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Forward

NOTE 1: It is categorically imperative that the reader understands that everything on this subpage was written a long time ago, and as such does not necessarily represent my present state of mind and opinions, nor my Perfect, True, Great, Grand Vision of How Star Wars Actually Ought To Be. -MPK, Free Man 00:22, December 25, 2015 (UTC)

NOTE 2: Also, it seems prudent for me to clarify in hindsight that, despite the fact that the story in question is a clumsy, steamingly juvenile pile of shit that bursts at the seams with revolting sophistry and shameless titillation, I haven't the right to officially and authoritatively brand it as the absolute worst story ever written. So congratulations, "yimmy-kins", you bastard. -MPK, Free Man 15:46, January 4, 2016 (UTC)

ObiWanShootsGeneral

So uncivilized!

This article contains an excess of completely rampant and unadulterated stupidity.
Any and all questions should be left on this article's talk page.

Omega Base G3

I'd let her dock with my ISD, that's for sure!

This article or narrative includes references to, mention of, and discussion of sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.
Don't worry, it's not any more ridiculous than the joke at the beginning of this template. If you have any comments, please leave them on the talk page.

HA! HA! Geenyous

The Free Man, MPK, proclaims all parties in this situation other than himself to be batΣhit insane.

Be forewarned (and therefore, forearmed) that very little information on this page is likely to make sense. Any queries should be sent to the talk page.

Armigerconfrontation

Carth is being a little schutta again.

This article contains a considerable amount of profanity in it.
Reader discretion is advised. Any questions or comments should be left on the article's talk page.

Preface

You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.O'Brien[src]

To my surprise, it turned out that The Worst Story Ever Written in the History of the World was not an officially published literary work. Even more surprising, it was not Order 66: A Republic Commando Novel by Karen Traviss. In fact, it was eventually revealed to be one of the last things I would ever expect. Even now, as I contemplate everything I've learned since then, I feel a faint suspicion that this fictional work in fact might not be the worst ever made. True, Knights of the Old Republic-based fan fiction is very close to the bottom of the ladder of literary quality, and this narrative is truly the worst I have ever beheld of that lot (or, indeed, of any lot). However, I feel that there may yet be worse stories out there, somewhere - perhaps somewhere out in space, or in an alternate universe. Then again, since our perspective is mostly limited to the single planet on which we dwell, any attempts to investigate the possible existence of an alien race with the ability to create a story that is even more horrific than this one would be futile, considering the resources and technology at our disposal (to say nothing of the task that an interdimensional search for for the worst story in history would be).

I must admit I've never before wondered what the worst story ever written could possibly be. I suppose my attitude was that, whatever it was, I would never encounter it, and therefore never have to worry about it. And as I stated above, I never expected it to be KOTOR-related. The fictional universe of Star Wars actually seemed to be below the caliber which the worst story ever written would be in - the two were incompatible, or so I believed. Not to say that Star Wars is immune to stupidity, but rather that even the darkest, deepest depths of the worst Star Wars could ever offer could never come close to matching the worst story ever written in the history of the world.

I was mistaken.

I've previously described horrid fan creations as outliving the universe. This story outlives them.

Part I: Alignment in the Sand

January 23, 2009

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      • Channel created on Wed Feb 14 20:43:22 2007
<Freeman_MPK> Who is there?
<Brandon_Rhea> Ahoy
<Freeman_MPK> Hi
<Freeman_MPK> Wazzup
<Brandon_Rhea> Not much, you?
<Freeman_MPK> Same
<Brandon_Rhea> Cool. Just working on some TCO stuff at the moment myself.
<Freeman_MPK> Brandon, have you read the "Darius" article by Solus?
<Freeman_MPK> I'm trying to.
<Brandon_Rhea> Yeah I've read it.
<Brandon_Rhea> It's ASWS and all
<Freeman_MPK> Reading the article just got me thinking about something regarding fanon/fan fiction, and I wondered your opinion
<Brandon_Rhea> My opinion on what you're thinking, or my opinion about the Darius article?
<Freeman_MPK> Opinion on what I'm thinking
<Brandon_Rhea> Sure, shoot
<SG1|Hereish> Someone ping me when Unit returns, please.
<Brandon_Rhea> Ok
<Freeman_MPK> What's your stance toward material (canon or fanon) which portrays Jedi as... bad? I don't mean like Jedi who turn evil. I mean people who are always Jedi, but are meant to be seen as bad guys
<Brandon_Rhea> You mean like Traviss shit?
<Freeman_MPK> Sort of like that, but I'm talking broader here
<Freeman_MPK> Like in (according to some) KOTOR 2.
<Brandon_Rhea> I don't have a problem with it for the most part
<Freeman_MPK> The premise sounds interesting to me in theory
<Brandon_Rhea> Indeed, if done right
<Freeman_MPK> But I've almost never seen it done right. I also don't subscribe to the supposed popular viewpoint of K2
<Freeman_MPK> I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've read a considerable amount of KOTOR fan fiction, and virtually all of them go out of their way to shit on all the Jedi except Revan, to such detestable degrees that I could compare their work to Traviss'.
<Brandon_Rhea> That's really dumb
<Freeman_MPK> You've read my list of Revan/Exile wankers characteristics, so you undoubtedly know my opinion on that whole thing
<Brandon_Rhea> Indeed
<Freeman_MPK> Having moral ambiguity regarding the Jedi is one thing, but they always go off the deep end
<Brandon_Rhea> Yeah
<Freeman_MPK> I recall one particularly assinine fic I read, which I now regard as a textbook example to this... Do you mind if I go on?
<Brandon_Rhea> Go for it
<Brandon_Rhea> If I say "yeah" and "indeed
<Brandon_Rhea> " over and over I just have nothing better to say
<Freeman_MPK> Okie-doke.
<Freeman_MPK> Let's see... It begins at the climax of KOTOR 1, with Revan fighting the dark-sided Bastila on the Star Forge. As with practically every other fic ever written, she tries to redeem her during their duel.
<Brandon_Rhea> Just to let me clear something up
<Brandon_Rhea> You say "she tries to redeem her"
<Brandon_Rhea> Are you going to be referring to Revan as a woman?
<Freeman_MPK> Yes
<Brandon_Rhea> Ok
<Freeman_MPK> It is important to note that this fic used several extremely unorthedox divergences from canon and from KOTOR fic tradition in general. Some divergences were good, and some were bad, with the rest falling into the category of "thats-some-crazy-ass-shit-you've-got-going-but-I-don't-even-know-what-to-make-of-it".
<Brandon_Rhea> ok
<Freeman_MPK> For example, in said fic, Bastila and Revan got the hots for each other (that falls into the first category). Another divergence was Malak being Bastila's older brother (which goes in the third category).
<Brandon_Rhea> o_O
<Freeman_MPK> Basically, during Revan and Bastila jawing in the middle of their fight, Revan throws in some comments which immediately set off my player-character-bias alarms. She specifically says (verbatim IIRC) "Fuck the Jedi".
<Brandon_Rhea> Wtf?
<Freeman_MPK> Essentially, Revan's only motivation in going on all this crap is getting into Bastila's pants/Bastila's love. Note also that the author has them together both before and after Revan lost her memories.
<Brandon_Rhea> Hmmm
<Freeman_MPK> So anyway, Revan's "I-don't-care-about-the-Jedi-or-Sith-I-just-want-to-help-Bastila-and/or-Carth-and/or-get-this-over-with" attitude is one which I've seen before. It's always handled in a way that can be called "self-insertion".
<Freeman_MPK> So during their duel, right after Revan has Bastila beaten and turns her back to the light, Malak strolls into the room.
<Freeman_MPK> Malak taunts them both, and essentially gives them what tvtropes.com defines as a "No Holds Barred Beatdown".
<Freeman_MPK> Right when it seems like they're screwed, the fic goes into flashback mode from then on.
<Freeman_MPK> It follows the story of Bastila and Revan first hooking up, which in overall execution falls into all three of the aforementioned categories at once.
<Freeman_MPK> Throughout the various events the author continually hammers one message into the reader's head:
<Freeman_MPK> Want to guess?
<Freeman_MPK> The message isn't "the Jedi Order is evil". It's "Vrook is evil."
<Brandon_Rhea> The Jedi suck, Bastilla is hot?
<Brandon_Rhea> Oooo
<Brandon_Rhea> Well to be fair, Vrook was a douchebag. :P
<Freeman_MPK> Maybe to Revan and the Exile, but he has his reasons for both cases.
<Freeman_MPK> But that's not the point. Vrook isn't a douchebag here.
<Freeman_MPK> He is literally evil personified.
<Freeman_MPK> And the Jedi Order's structure is completely fucked up.
<Brandon_Rhea> Heh
<Freeman_MPK> According to this fic, there is no Jedi Council; Vrook is its only member, and he is the sole dictator of the Jedi Order who rules by two means: fear and reliance of blind obedience on all lower-ranking Jedi.
<Brandon_Rhea> o_O
<Freeman_MPK> I'm serious. *No* other Jedi Masters appear other than Vrook.
<Freeman_MPK> Well, there's another Jedi Master, but he's not supposed to be a Jedi master, and he's the only Jedi other than Bastila and Malak who isn't out to make her life a living hell. Know who that is?
<Brandon_Rhea> Lol
<Brandon_Rhea> Ummm
<Brandon_Rhea> Hmmm
<Brandon_Rhea> Vandar?
<Freeman_MPK> Nope. He's not *supposed* to be a Jedi master, remember?
<Freeman_MPK> I'll give you a hint: the goofy Obi-Wan.
<Brandon_Rhea> Ah, hmm
<Brandon_Rhea> Jolee?
<Brandon_Rhea> I dunno
<Freeman_MPK> Yes, Jolee Bindo, even though he was never even a Jedi Knight, let alone a Master.
<Brandon_Rhea> Indeed
<Freeman_MPK> One of the first demonization acts agains Vrook (who essentially personifies the Jedi Order) is Jolee (who, predictably, is exactly the same as in the game and also happens to be a friend of the young Revan) being kicked out of the Jedi Order.
<Brandon_Rhea> That ruins Jolee's character
<Freeman_MPK> Yes.
<Brandon_Rhea> Brb
<Freeman_MPK> The most ridiculous part of the whole fiasco is that throughout her time on Dantooine, Revan considers Jolee's exile to be a monstrous injustice, even though the author actually gives a good reason for him getting into hot water with the Council: Jolee used Force lightning, possibly to kill someone.
<Freeman_MPK> Let me know when you're back (I will also brb), and I will continue my ramblings.
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<Solus|Cheese> BACCIE!
<Solus|Cheese> MPK!
<Solus|Cheese> JEDI1
<Solus|Cheese> *!
<Solus|Cheese> ...
<Solus|Cheese> Brandon_Rhea
<Freeman_MPK> Yo, Solus
<Solus|Cheese> Freeman_MPK
<Solus|Cheese> MPK!!
<Solus|Cheese> HIEZ!
<Solus|Cheese> ^-^
<Freeman_MPK> Brandon's in brb mode right now.
<Freeman_MPK> I was just ranting to him about the most ridiculous fan fiction I've ever read in my life.
<Solus|Cheese> Yah?
<Brandon_Rhea> Back
<Solus|Cheese> Can I hear?
<Solus|Cheese> I love your rants.
<Solus|Cheese> BACCIE!
<Freeman_MPK> Sure. and thanks.
<Brandon_Rhea> So yeah, this seems ridiculous
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, for the sake of Solus not being lost, I'll summarize: It's set in and before KOTOR 1. Revan and Bastila are lesbians. Darth Malak is Bastila's brother. Vrook is portrayed as an evil dictator of the Jedi Order, and the only other Jedi Master is Jolee Bindo, who shouldn't be a Master, and who got kicked out for a good reason, and despite the good reason, his exile is used by the author/Revan to demonize Vrook.
<Freeman_MPK> Did you get all that?
<Solus|Cheese> um.
<Solus|Cheese> Oh, boy.
<Solus|Cheese> This rant is gonna be good!
<Solus|Cheese> :<grabs popcorn>
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, let me try to recall where I left off.
<Solus|Cheese> nomnomnom
<Freeman_MPK> lol
<Solus|Cheese> ^-^
<Freeman_MPK> Ah, yes. Concurrent with the Jolee Bindo Ultimatum, there was a subplot with Malak wanting to hook up with Revan, but since Revan wants to be with Bastila (Malak's sister in this crazy fic) instead, she rejects him. This creates some tension, which Malak more or less gets over soon enough.
<Freeman_MPK> Here's where the craziness starts coming in hardcore. Vrook's transformation into the bastard son of Satan's bastard son will soon be covered.
<Brandon_Rhea> Solus|Cheese: Check your PMs
<Solus|Cheese> ?
<Solus|Cheese> ooo
<Freeman_MPK> Master Vrook (who incidentally is Bastila's Master, for another weird deviation from the norm) , Bastila, and Revan and Malak (who are both Jedi Knights now) are assigned to a Republic ship which is on a Republic ship to help oversee some event which isn't important.
<Solus|Cheese> This is getting confusing. o.o
<Brandon_Rhea> Because it's retarded
<Freeman_MPK> Here's an excerpt summing up the setting for this fic's fall into madness:
<Freeman_MPK> "See, the Republic liked the Jedi (mostly) and the Jedi liked the Republic (mostly), and every so often, they’d have a small get-together to spread the good feelings around. Senator So-and-So, meet Master What’s-His-Face. Master Whozzat, meet Royal Pain-in-the-Butt. Whether on a planet or in space, people always made a grand production of it. This time, the Republic just completed a new luxury cruiser and wanted to show it off to their Jedi friends."
<Freeman_MPK> "Enter Master Vrook, Padawan Bastila, newly minted Jedi Knights Revan and Malak, and an entourage of other Jedi folk. Between fending off lecherous politicians and feasting on absolutely sinful food, Bastila had quite an interesting time. With everything going well, the promise of alone time with Revan only enhanced the evening. Until the Sith showed up, en masse."
<Brandon_Rhea> Anyone got a gun? Anyone?
<Solus|Cheese> um
<Freeman_MPK> Basically that. A bunch of Sith disguised themselves and/or snuck aboard the ship, and start throwing shit around. All hell breaks loose.
<Freeman_MPK> It's never explained where exactly these Sith come from.
<Brandon_Rhea> They don't need to explain that!
<Brandon_Rhea> They're Sith!
<Brandon_Rhea> They just magically appear when the good guys appear!
<Freeman_MPK> Doesn't say "survivors of Great Sith War", or "members of some new mysterious cult", or anything like that. Brandon's right, essentially; the author figured no one would ask.
<SG1|Hereish> http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Rhea
<Brandon_Rhea> That was....unexpected. o_O
<Freeman_MPK> This occurs before the Mandalorian wars end, IIRC. The course of galactic events is so fucked up in this. I'm not sure I remember if the Mandalorians are even mentioned.
<Freeman_MPK> Woah, spooky.
<Solus|Cheese> There is such thing as a Rhea bird...
<Solus|Cheese> Oh, good grief.
<Solus|Cheese> Bac's a Corellian.
<Solus|Cheese> Somebody save us all.
<Brandon_Rhea> I'm surprised no one has ever shown me that before.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, there's also the implication of Sith vessels showing up (implied by the Republic ship launching fighters), but that's a red herring. Vrook takes charge of the situation in the only very short scene where he's viewed as what he is: Just another Jedi (rather than as an inhuman monster).
<Freeman_MPK> Vrook orders Revan and Malak to go to some console in the lower decks of the ship to turn off the turncoat security droids (which the Sith reprogrammed) while Bastila stays on the bridge and does her Battle Meditation thing.
<Freeman_MPK> You know where this is going.
<Freeman_MPK> Things don't go well for Revan and Malak. Bastila senses that things are going BAD for them, in fact.
<Freeman_MPK> Since they're both close friends, Bastila absolutely HAS to stop the Battle Meditation thing and go rushing to help them.
<Freeman_MPK> By the time she arrives, Revan is wounded and Malak is REALLY wounded. Three guesses in what way he's wounded.
<Freeman_MPK> Malak no longer has his jaw (SHOCK).
<Brandon_Rhea> Lol
<Freeman_MPK> They eventually end up defeating the Sith. Revan, Bastila, and Malak get out of the ordeal alive. According to the next scene, however, "a Republic cruiser was lost" (don't know if that refers to the ship they were on,it's so damn vague) and twelve of the other Jedi on the ship were killed.
<Freeman_MPK> The next scene takes place at the Dantooine Jedi Enclave. Not surprisingly, Vrook raises hell upon Bastila's ass (figuratively speaking) for not staying put and using her Battle Meditation.
<Freeman_MPK> Actually, it turns out I was a bit wrong about there being *no* other Jedi Masters. Vandar makes an extremely brief appearance in this scene, but says and does nothing of any consequence. Which surprises me, because Vandar is often the Jedi Master who serves as a counter to Vrook's dastardly evilness.
<Freeman_MPK> Vrook is shown rebuking Bastila in front of the (nonexistent) Council and numerous other Jedi (incidentally, the mission as a whole apparently failed). Not surprisingly, only Revan stands up to defend her.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan shits on Vrook, blaming all of her faults on him and essentially flipping him the bird.
<Brandon_Rhea> lol
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<Freeman_MPK> In fact, she comes *very* close to LITERALLY flipping him the bird - Revan accuses Vrook of showing Bastila "no emotion" during her training, only "damned indifference". When Vrook counters with "There is no emotion, only peace" (thereby taking the Jedi Code out of context as many authors do), Revan goes into full self-insertion mode.
<Freeman_MPK> She literally yells "Fuck the Jedi Code!"
<Brandon_Rhea> SG1|Hereish: ^
<Freeman_MPK> Eventually, it gets out during this (ludicrous) conversation that Bastila and Revan are in love, and since it's a popular myth that the Jedi Council is a bunch of evil robots, they place both of them in solitary confinement.
<Freeman_MPK> Excuse me, I meant to say "Vrook", not "they".
<Freeman_MPK> Wait a minute, only one of them was put in solitary confinement (Bastila). That's right, they lock her up like a goshdamned prisoner or some shit.
<Freeman_MPK> Don't worry, it gets even crazier.
      • Unit8311 has quit
<Freeman_MPK> At this point, the author decides to take "Let's get this trainwreck started" (which is the battlecry of the SomethingAwful goons) to heart.
<Freeman_MPK> The author includes two plot elements that are very common in KOTOR fiction.
<SG1|Hereish> Goddammit, I missed Unit.
<Freeman_MPK> 1: Revan and Bastila's bond allows them to telepathically communicate easily, practically as if they were standing next to each other. - and 2: They had this bond *before* Revan lost her/his memories.
<Freeman_MPK> Brandon, Solus, either of you still there? I don't want to be ranting to myself.
<Brandon_Rhea> Yes
<Brandon_Rhea> I'm watching what you've been saying :D
<Freeman_MPK> K, just checking.
<SG1|Hereish> Wow, this sounds like one batshit crazy fanfic.
<Freeman_MPK> Hell yeah it is.
<SG1|Hereish> *Troyb* couldn't make this shit up.
<Freeman_MPK> The most insane literature I have ever read, even more so than Order 66 by Traviss herself. I've said that Order 66 is the worst actual published book I've ever read. This fan fic is the most heretical mass of insanity that I have ever encountered.
<Freeman_MPK> Official or not.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, Bastila is still locked up like a Prisoner of War.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan goes to her room and they start chatting via their bond. I'm not sure if this common plot element of the two easier communicating like that is good or bad. I've seen it done all right, and I've seen it done bad. This work brings it to its most illogical conclusion.
<Freeman_MPK> Basically, the most of them start...
<Freeman_MPK> *both
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, how can I put this?
<Freeman_MPK> They start tickling each other. Frickin TICKLING.
<Brandon_Rhea> Wtf
<SG1|Hereish> HAHAHA!
<Solus|Cheese> XD
<Freeman_MPK> It gets more WTF-ish.
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<Solus|Cheese> ATARU!
<Solus|Cheese> Join the madness!
<Ataru> Hello Solus.
<Ataru> Whoa, lots of people here today.
<Ataru> Even SWF's most notorious critic, the Freeman.
<Solus|Cheese> You just got to the point where Bastila and Revan are tickling each other.
<Freeman_MPK> Yo, Ataru
<Ataru> Hello, MPK.
<Freeman_MPK> I'm recounting the most ridiculous KOTOR fan fiction I've ever read to these spectators.
<Ataru> Ah, I see
<Ataru> Don't let me stop you. ;)
<Brandon_Rhea> Hello Ataru
<Freeman_MPK> Do you want to listen? If so I'll give a quick summary of thus far.
<Ataru> Sure.
<Freeman_MPK> Let's get this trainwreck started, then.
<Freeman_MPK> For the sake of Ataru not being lost, I'll summarize: It's set in and before KOTOR 1. Revan and Bastila are lesbians. Darth Malak is Bastila's brother. Vrook is portrayed as an evil dictator of the Jedi Order, and the only other Jedi Master is Jolee Bindo, who shouldn't be a Master, and who got kicked out for a good reason, and despite the good reason, his exile is used by the author/Revan to demonize Vrook. After that, Revan, Malak, Bastila, and Vrook (who is Bastila's Master) are assigned to oversee an unspecified thing aboard a Republic ship, but the party is crashed by a bunch of Sith who came out of nowhere (literally, their origin is never explained).
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Freeman_MPK> Malak gets his jaw cut off by the Sith in the fighting, and some time after Bastila abandons her post to go save her and Revan, they escape, but the mission presumably failed, resulting in the loss of the ship and twelve other unnamed Jedi who were with them. Vrook publicly chews Bastila out in the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine, and the only Jedi who stands up to defend her is Revan. Revan acts like a total author-insertion, even going so far as to swear at Vrook during the shouting match. After the ordeal is over, Bastila was locked in a room in the Enclave for some stupid-ass reason, and that's where I left off.
<Ataru> O.o
<Ataru> BTW, the last bits of each of your posts are being cut off.
<Ataru> Might want to make it 5 lines or less.
<Freeman_MPK> They don't appear cut off to me (it might be the abnormally large screen I have). In any case, I'll keep them shorter.
<Ataru> I lost the bit after "Revan acts like a total author-i"
<Freeman_MPK> Oh, one more thing, Bastila's reason for being placed in solitary confinement is allegedly her relationship with Revan.
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, I'll cut it up.
<Ataru> :|
<Freeman_MPK> "Revan acts like a total author-insertion, even going so far as to swear at Vrook during the shouting match. After the ordeal is over, Bastila was locked in a room in the Enclave for some stupid-ass reason, and that's where I left off."
<Ataru> Ah.
<Freeman_MPK> You got all that, then?
<Ataru> Yep.
<Freeman_MPK> K, then.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan goes to her room and they start chatting via their bond. I'm not sure if this common plot element of the two easily communicating like that is good or bad. I've seen it done all right, and I've seen it done bad. This work brings it to its most illogical conclusion.
<Freeman_MPK> The two start TICKLING each other.
<Freeman_MPK> But while illogical, that isn't the conclusion.
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, I swear I am not making this shit up. Bastila grabs her own breasts, which gives the two an idea.
<Ataru> O.O
<Brandon_Rhea> Oh Jesus Mary....
<Freeman_MPK> They have psychic sex.
  • Ataru has a bad feeling about this.
<SG1|Hereish> This is the best fanfic I've EVER seen.

Part II: Revanatic

<Brandon_Rhea> Yup, I'm going to look for that gun again.....
<Ataru> :|
<Freeman_MPK> It's fucking I wasn't kidding when I told you this was crazier than Traviss.
<Ataru> Freeman_MPK: Actually, I think I've read something significantly stupider. On SWF.
<Ataru> But that's only if you're willing to count Darth Wylind's "work" as "fanfic"
<Ataru> Which is a bit of a stretch.
<Freeman_MPK> Oh, I've heard of that, but haven't dared to read it.
<Ataru> It's about as moronic as Darth Tyl3r.
<Ataru> And written with significantly less skill at conjoining sentences. XD
<Freeman_MPK> Woah.
<Freeman_MPK> I gurantee you, however, this fic which I am describing has weirder things than what I just described.
<Ataru> Now, that, I believe.
<Ataru> Wylind's stuff is just stupider.
<Freeman_MPK> Don't worry, there's plenty of stupid.
<SG1|Hereish> Anymore lesbian action?
<Freeman_MPK> Give me a moment, I must compose my thoughts.
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, I'm back.
<Freeman_MPK> I mentioned earlier that a message constantly hammered into the reader's head is that Vrook is the undisputed dictator of the Jedi Order, and that he is evil.
<Freeman_MPK> That becomes very apparent here.
<Ataru> mmhmm.
<Freeman_MPK> Of course, the author knows full-well that even at his absolute worst, Vrook is NOT evil and NEVER does anything evil in the games. Therefore, the author has to INVENT something evil for him to do. No matter how unbelievable it is.
<Solus|Cheese> Oh, no...
<Ataru> 9_9
<Freeman_MPK> At some time, presumably during the night, a group of Jedi (led by their Führer Vrook, of course) go into Bastila's room and literally drag her out like some lunatic being taken to a fucking asylum.
<Freeman_MPK> The punishment they (read:Vrook) has selected is to cut her bond with Revan.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan runs into Malak as soon as she gets out of her room and is about to go help Bastila. Malak convinces her that it's too late to help Bastila, so the two escape.
<Freeman_MPK> The sheer absurdity of this segment alone may be enough to kill you with its sheet stupidity, but I'm going to assume you all can handle it.
<Freeman_MPK> *sheer
<Brandon_Rhea> Lol
<Freeman_MPK> The next chapter summarizes what happened next. Revan and Malak went to the Republic Military to help them fight the Mandalorians, but their reasons are *FAR* less noble than in the game.
<Freeman_MPK> In the games, Revan and Malak led a faction of Jedi to take command of the Republic fleet and defend the civilized galaxy against the marauding barbarian Mandalorians.
<Solus|Cheese> Mando-bashing, YES!
<Freeman_MPK> In this fanfic, Revan and Malak's only reason for going along with the Mandalorian Wars is because after they're done, they want a fleet which they can eventually use to go back to Dantooine and rescue Bastila from the Jedi. They demonstrate no interest in joining the war in order to help or protect people.
<Freeman_MPK> The fanfic also depicts the Republic as having little if any faith in Revan and Malak.
<Brandon_Rhea> That's stupid
<Solus|Cheese> That's FANON
<Freeman_MPK> The fic describes the Republic attitude toward the two thus: "The Republic needed anything to stem the Mandalorian tide. It sensed two willing pawns and outfitted them with the best it could afford."
<Solus|Cheese> :p
<Freeman_MPK> "It conveniently left out the part about the best it could afford being beat up junkers, converted freighters, and green soldiers. Meet invaders, hold them back for a little while, come up with better solution, Jedi sacrifice noted."
<Ataru> Wow.
<Freeman_MPK> Basically, the Republic was composed of a bunch of desperate washouts who were just looking for a cannon fodder of the week to throw at the Mandalorians.
<Freeman_MPK> Right after this exposition, it cuts to Kashyyyk, where the author again fucks the game canon in the face with two red lightsabers by having Revan visit Jolee before she officially takes command of the Republic fleet.
<Brandon_Rhea> OOI, where was this?
<Freeman_MPK> What's OOI?
<Freeman_MPK> Where was what?
<Solus|Cheese> The fanfic, I believe.
<Brandon_Rhea> Out Of Interest, where was the fan fic?
<Freeman_MPK> I found this monstrosity at fanfiction.net, in the games/Star Wars section.
<Freeman_MPK> I don't think I'm very far from the end of my narrative, so I'll tell you what it's called soon enough.
<Solus|Cheese> ooo
<Brandon_Rhea> ok
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, Revan tells Jolee about all of her problems as "her one final act of absolution before jumping into the fire" (meaning, before joining the war).
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<SquishyVic> Ataru!
<SquishyVic> Freeman_MPK!
<Freeman_MPK> Jolee is the only Jedi other than Bastila whos is not evil.
<Ataru> Hello Vic.
<SquishyVic> Brandon_Rhea!
<SquishyVic> Solus|Cheese!
<Brandon_Rhea> Hello Vic
<Solus|Cheese> VICKY!
<SquishyVic> Hi everyone.
<SquishyVic> SOLI!
<Solus|Cheese> :D
<Freeman_MPK> Welcome, Vic.
<SquishyVic> Thanks :)
<SquishyVic> So, what's the discussion today ?
<Freeman_MPK> You sticking around, Vic? I was just giving a summary of the most monstrous KOTOR fan fiction I have ever read.
<Freeman_MPK> No, the worst piece of ANY kind of literature I have ever read.
<SquishyVic> lol...
<SquishyVic> YEs, but BRB
<Solus|Cheese> NUUUUUUUU!
<Solus|Cheese> He leaveth. ;-;
<Ataru> To clarify, Vic, MPK has not read Darth Wylind's assault on English prose and SW fanfic in general.
<Ataru> The title of that *thing* should be /Force Legend I: The Rape of English Literature/
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Brandon_Rhea> Lol
<Freeman_MPK> Ataru, I respect your judgement. But having read this KOTOR thing which I describe, *I foam at the mouth* at the mere thought of what horrors Force Legend could possibly have, if it truely outmatches this one as you claim.
<Ataru> Does this KotOR thing have somewhat understandable sentences?
<Freeman_MPK> Well, yes.
<Ataru> In that case, Force Legend is soooo much worse.
<Freeman_MPK> Perhaps.
<Ataru> We're talking people running around /at full speed/ after getting shot with a blaster in the knee.
<Ataru> We're talking a two-minute sex scene out of thin air.
<Ataru> Now, granted, I haven't read this KotOR atrocity.
<Ataru> But still. :-P
<Solus|Cheese> . . .
<Solus|Cheese> . . .
<Freeman_MPK> Can't think of anything to say, Solus?
<Solus|Cheese> I'm waiting for someone else to say something.
<Solus|Cheese> It apparently works.
<Freeman_MPK> heh
<Solus|Cheese> Do go on.
<Ataru> lol
<Freeman_MPK> Hang on, I'm typing a short summary for Vic's sake
<Solus|Cheese> Ah.
<Solus|Cheese> Don't skip the good parts. :p
  • Ataru is working on a new Wookieepedia user project.
<Solus|Cheese> Really?
<Solus|Cheese> What?
<Ataru> In keeping with my penchant for stupid titles, I'm calling it Project UberPWN.
<Solus|Cheese> ??
<Ataru> Myself and another user are teaming up to work on FAing Form VII: Juyo / Vaapad
<Ataru> I'm doing it to end my laziness in working on the saber forms, and I brought him in to teach him how to do Force power/saber form FAs.
<Solus|Cheese> Ah.
<Solus|Cheese> oooooo
<Solus|Cheese> . . .
<Solus|Cheese> HURRY, MPK!
<Brandon_Rhea> Be back in a bit.
<Brandon_Rhea> Can't wait to catch up on the end of the lulz. :P
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<Freeman_MPK> Welcome, 8311. Welcome to the grave and darkness from which none shall ever emerge.
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<Solus|Cheese> YAY
<Solus|Cheese> He's gone. :DDD
<Solus|Cheese> I had hoped silence would deter him.
<Freeman_MPK> Oh, SHIT. I didn't think I'd scare him off.
<Solus|Cheese> I'm glad you did.
<SG1|Hereish> DAMMIT. Everytime Unit joins, I'm away.
<Solus|Cheese> I'm glad you were. He might have stayed.
<SG1|Hereish> To hell with him. He can ping me if you really wants something Photoshopped.
<SG1|Hereish> *he really
<Solus|Cheese> So your his photoshop slave?
<Ataru> Heh.
<SG1|Hereish> Yes. Minus the Photoshop part.
<Solus|Cheese> My philosophy: Don't do editing work for someone who's gonna put it in a dumb article.
<Solus|Cheese> I will let you borrow my philosophy.
<SG1|Hereish> Too late. I've already Photoshopped images for Darth tom.
<Solus|Cheese> Pretend you can't hear him.
<Solus|Cheese> Pretend you're afk.
<Solus|Cheese> Pretend you didn't get his message.
<Solus|Cheese> That's what I do when people ask for images for dumb articles.
<Solus|Cheese> I have to go eat...
<SG1|Hereish> Very good philosophy.
<Solus|Cheese> So I will miss the end of the masterpiece.
<Solus|Cheese> So!
<Solus|Cheese> HAIL AND FAREWELL!
<Solus|Cheese> ciao.
<Freeman_MPK> Solus... are my articles dumb?
<Solus|Cheese> No...
<Solus|Cheese> Why?
<Solus|Cheese> Did I forget to do some images...?
<Solus|Cheese> Is that what it was?
<Solus|Cheese> I can't recall being asked to do some images...I truly can't.
<Freeman_MPK> No, no reason. Just popped into my head.
<Solus|Cheese> Oh.
<Solus|Cheese> Okay. :)
<Solus|Cheese> And I do like your articles.
<Solus|Cheese> :D
<Ataru> Solus: You're leaving?
<Solus|Cheese> I need food.
<Solus|Cheese> food.
<Ataru> :-( Bye, then.
<Solus|Cheese> FOOD.
<Solus|Cheese> Bye...
<Solus|Cheese> FAREWELL!
<Freeman_MPK> Fare well.
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<Freeman_MPK> Is Vic there?
<Freeman_MPK> I just spent like 5 minutes writing a summary of my rant for his sake
<Ataru> Let's find out.
<Ataru> Ping: SquishyVic
<Ataru> Apparently, he's out.
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, then.
<Freeman_MPK> I'm still going to throw my summary out real quick, so that he can see it in the history if and when he comes back.
<Freeman_MPK> Hope no one minds.
<Freeman_MPK> For the sake of Vic not being lost (if he can read this), I'll summarize: It's set in and before KOTOR 1. Revan and Bastila are lesbians. Darth Malak is Bastila's brother. Vrook is portrayed as an evil dictator of the Jedi Order, and the only other Jedi Master is Jolee Bindo, who shouldn't be a Master, and who got kicked out, and despite the good reason, his exile is used by the author/Revan to demonize Vrook.
<Ataru> You can always /query SquishyVic
<Freeman_MPK> What's that do? I'm not up on all the lingo here on IRC.
<Ataru> It opens a private chat window between you and Vic.
<Ataru> Only you two can see it.
<Freeman_MPK> Oh.
  • Ataru just found the funniest quote on Wookieepedia.
<Ataru> Ah, the joys of anons. :-P
<Ataru> Here's my post:
<Ataru> "Talk pages are not the place to discuss fan theories. Please refrain from doing so; all it does is waste time. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 15:58, 1 November 2008 (UTC) "
<Ataru> And here's the anon's response:
<Ataru> "You are a stiff asshole, atarumaster. Sure, it's just speculation, but you refusing to delve into any speculation just shows what a stiff douche you are. The thing about forms combination is quite reasonable, so why don't you say something like "a fair perception indeed yet still just a theoretical one" instead of dismissing everything as "disproven speculation"."
<Ataru> I wish I'd found that earlier. :-P
<Freeman_MPK> "Stiff asshole"? That's a new one. What was he talking about, anyway?
<Freeman_MPK> (You know what, screw it. If Vic comes back, I'll just give the summary then.)
<Ataru> Something about how Vaapad was a combination of Ataru and Shien.
<Ataru> The point was, they were using talk pages like a forum, and talking about wild fan theories.
<Ataru> So, I told them to stop and got that charming response. :-P
<Freeman_MPK> Ah. Yeah. Theories is one thing (can potentially be good for BtS), but any theory that ridiculous is inexcusable.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, I'll finish up my rant.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan goes to Kashyyyk, where Jolee Bindo is in exile, tells him everything that's happened since he left, and that's where I left off. Jolee ends the scene with eleven words which almost made my eyes roll straight out of my skull when I realized what they meant.
<Freeman_MPK> 12 words, actually, but whatever.
<Freeman_MPK> "Kashyyyk hides a great secret. Have you heard of the Star Maps?"
<Freeman_MPK> You heard that right. JOLEE BINDO is responsible for Revan gaining enough of a fleet to start her subsequent rampage with.
<Ataru> :|
<Ataru> That's freaking stupid.
<Freeman_MPK> So, basically, with what has to be at least the author's second or third offense of majorly raping the game's canon in the face with two red lightsabers, Revan and Malak get the Star Forge before the Mandalorian Wars end, and that's how they get the advantage.
<Freeman_MPK> It really shows how brilliant a commander Revan nwas. Who else could win with an infinite number of ships?
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<Ataru> 9_9
<Freeman_MPK> Remember how those Sith came out of nowhere earlier in the story? Well, it happens again.
<Ataru> Sheesh.
<Freeman_MPK> "The Sith", whoever the hell they are or wherever the hell they came from, approached Revan and offered their services to her for some reason.
<SquishyVic> OK
<SquishyVic> I'm back
<SquishyVic> But now I have to go, lol
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<Freeman_MPK> Ok, then.
<Freeman_MPK> Malak is very enthusiastic about the Sith's sudden appearance. Revan isn't as gung-ho about them as Malak is, but she doesn't think they're all that bad anymore, and accepts and embraces the dark side.
<Freeman_MPK> Of course, the author couldn't let the reader think that Revan is doing something WRONG, oh no. Revan doesn't care for "the Sith ways", so she " balanced the Light Side of the Force with the Dark Side, utilizing her passion to free others from oppression". Basically, the same sort of "Revan never fell" bullshit that the fanboys/fangirls regurgitate routinely.
<Ataru> Ugh.
<Freeman_MPK> A scene then occurs, wherein Malak is talking to Revan and trying to convince her to take the title of "Darth Revan", in order to appease the their Sith allies who want her as their leader. Revan doesn't want to go for it, because she's "no more Darth Revan than [she] is Jedi Revan". Aside from that. she's suspcious of the Sith in general.
<Ataru> Holy kriff, how long *is* this?
<Freeman_MPK> "Revan is above the dogmatic fanaticism of the Jedi and the Sith! She's so wise!" This sort of trash brings back nightmares of the time I read Order 66 by Karen Traviss. She does the same thing with the Mandalorians.
<Freeman_MPK> Not much further to go.
<Ataru> I've had the unfortunate experience of reading that book. For Wookieepedia, of course.
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<Solus|Cheese> ATARU!
<Solus|Cheese> JEDI!
<Solus|Cheese> MPK!
<Solus|Cheese> HIEZ!
<Ataru> You're back.
<Solus|Cheese> Yah. ^-^
<Freeman_MPK> Wookieepedia isn't worth Back already?
<Ataru> Hmm?
<Solus|Cheese> MPK is multitasking, I can feel it in mah bones.
<Ataru> ah
<Freeman_MPK> I've got so much text in this window that my thing is slowing down and sentences are getting chopped together. I meant to say "Wookieepedia isn't worth reading a Traviss book" and "Back already?"
<Ataru> Ah.
<Ataru> Well, Wookieepedia FAs are worth reading Traviss books.
<Solus|Cheese> Oh, my.
<Ataru> I should know, I'm up to 4.
<Ataru> They all were horrible. :-P
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Solus|Cheese> What did you have to FA that required a Travissty?
<Ataru> Solus: From LotF, Jaina. Also had to check it for possible Lando and Janson appearances. And then Order 66 for Callista.
<Solus|Cheese> Callista is in Order 66?
<Ataru> Solus: Just to catch up, MPK is sharing the true depths of this KotOR fic's depravity.
<Ataru> Yes. 9_9
<Solus|Cheese> :<weeping>
<Ataru> Briefly, but at least her original surname was revealed.
<Solus|Cheese> Now she's ruining Bantam.
<Ataru> I give Traviss props for not screwing up that character, actually.
<Solus|Cheese> Really?
<Ataru> I don't recall any particular outrage towards Traviss during the two Callista scenes, except the whole "the majority of the Jedi are stupid" mantra.
<Solus|Cheese> Ah.
<Solus|Cheese> What was her excuse for having Callista there?
<Ataru> Playing up sympathy for and foreshadowing Etain's death.
<Solus|Cheese> Ah.
<Ataru> I've never been so happy for a Jedi to die.
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Ataru> MPK: So, what other depths does this KotOR fic go to.
<Ataru> After Malak talks to Revan.
<Solus|Cheese> MPK: Could I know all I missed?
<Solus|Cheese> plz?
<Ataru> Solus: I'll PM it to you.
<Solus|Cheese> YAY
<Solus|Cheese> XD
<Ataru> That way the Freeman can keep posting new stuff. :-P
<Solus|Cheese> oooo
<Solus|Cheese> Okay. ^-^
<Solus|Cheese> Especially since his internet is being constipated.

Part III: If Only the Führer Knew

<Freeman_MPK> People: Every time you say something my computer freezes for like 10 or more seconds. I'm on the home stretch of my recount here. May I have metaphorical silence?
<Freeman_MPK> Ataru, plz inform me when Solus is up to date.
<Ataru> She's good.
<Freeman_MPK> Excellent. Now, I left off with Malak telling Revan that the Sith want her as their leader. She resists but will eventually become a Sith "in name only" as a means of necessity. It then jumps ahead an undetermined amount of time. The writing says that "the Outer Rim was secure", but it isn't explained what it's secure against.
<Freeman_MPK> This may be taken to imply that she had been fighting the Jedi Civil War for a while now, or that it meant "secure against the Mandos", but it's so damn vague it hardly even matters.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan takes her fleet to Dantooine and contacts the Jedi Enclave. Some unnamed stooge (possibly a Jedi) answers, and Revan demands to speak to the Jedi Council. When the unnamed woman says that one does not simply walk into a conversation with the Jedi Council, Revan puts her in a Force choke and utters one of the stupidest lines I've ever heard in KOTOR fiction.
<Freeman_MPK> "Tell the Jedi Council to park their collective asses in front of the screen, please." ...Just what the fuck is THAT? What the HELL kind of Sith or Dark Jedi talks like that? Who talks like that at ALL?
<Freeman_MPK> Vrook and " five other unknown people" then appear at the screen. This is meant to further cement the author's crazed delusion that Vrook is the sole undisputed Emperor of the Jedi Order. The narration, told from Revan's point of view, even calls Vrook a bastard and describes him as *grinning*.
<Freeman_MPK> Obviously, Revan demands that they hand Bastila over to her. The author completely drops any pretense of Vrook even THINKING that he isn't evil, responding with an [in]appropropriately dastardly and villanious retort: "Jedi Shan is where she is suppose to be: away from you. As the saying goes, ‘out of sight, out of mind."
<Freeman_MPK> Revan insults him, calling him a "wretched spawn of a tauntaun", which almost made me laugh, considering how out of character and overall uncredible it is.
<Freeman_MPK> Naturally, Vrook refuses to turn over Bastila and yield to Revan's threats, throwing in reply some stock lines about "Jedi the blah blah guardians of the light blah will not surrender to the corruption of the dark" gobbledegook. Revan Responds that they've "earned the wrath of the Dark Lord Revan".
<Freeman_MPK> Also, I made a minor error above: Revan didn't take her fleet to Dantooine before contacting the Jedi Enclave. She did it from wherever she already was. That means that she Force choked someone from countless lightyears away. Anyway, the scene then changes to a Republic planet somewhere.
<Freeman_MPK> It gives a brief (and I mean *BRIEF*) multi-sentence-long recount of the battle. The last sentence of the "scene" states that the Republic casualties equaled 20,000, most of them citizens. Wow, way to go, author. You've succeeded in demonizing the person you thought you were idolizing. At least KOTOR 2 tried to defend Revan by saying she/he did it to protect against the True Sith, but not here.
<Freeman_MPK> In this fan fic, Revan is nothing but a psychotic bitch.
<Freeman_MPK> A brief intermission is given, with Malak paying Revan a visit. She asks him if she's dooing the right thing and why she doesn't feel any better. Malak states that she's justified in her actions and hypothesizes that she's not letting herself "feel vindication until their total annihilation." Revan thinks he's pulling this out of his ass and insults his obsession with the Sith, and the scene ends abruptly with her sighing.
<Freeman_MPK> The next scene takes place a short time later, with three captive Jedi being taken before Revan by her Sith underlings. The Jedi tell them over the course of the conversation that the Council is willing to "discuss" Bastila with her (even though there is no Council). Revan acts as obnoxiously out of character as ever with her dialogue as she kills two out of the three Jedi, and the scene ends.
<Freeman_MPK> It then goes briefly to the Jedi's point of view a short time later: "The plan was simple. Use her animosity against Master Vrook to lure her out. Catch her off-guard with Bastila. Destroy her." Yes, Revan's only weakness is how much she hates the evil Master Vrook and how much she loves Bastila. It was at this point in the story that I told myself openly that the morality in this story is COMPLETELY fucked up.
<Freeman_MPK> To be more precise, this scene is told from Bastila's viewpoint. She was brought there by the Jedi army as bait. Revan arrives with her own army, and Vrook, since he's such a dastardly and nefarious villain, personally leads the charge against her. Bastila, meanwhile, sticks around in the back while Revan carves through the Jedi ranks like Kratos from God of War or Starkiller from The Force Unleashed, except without anything actually cool going on.
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<SquishyVic> I iz back.
<SquishyVic> For a tiny bit
<SquishyVic> So, what were we discussing? A really bad KOTOR fanfic?>
<Freeman_MPK> Yes, I've just reached the end of my narrative.
<SquishyVic> Ah, carry on then
<Ataru> Except that it was cut off after the "Starkiller" part. :-(
<Freeman_MPK> ...or Starkiller from The Force Unleashed, except without anything actually cool going on.
<Ataru> >"Revan acts like a total author-insertion, even going so far as to swear at Vrook during the shouting match. After the ordeal is over, Bastila was locked in a room in the Enclave for some stupid-ass reason, and that's where I left off."
<Ataru> Freeman_MPK>Revan goes to her room and they start chatting via their bond. I'm not sure if this common plot element of the two easily communicating like that is good or bad. I've seen it done all right, and I've seen it done bad. This work brings it to its most illogical conclusion.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>The two start TICKLING each other.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>But while illogical, that isn't the conclusion.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>Ok, I swear I am not making this shit up. Bastila grabs her own breasts, which gives the two an idea.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>They have psychic sex.
<Freeman_MPK> Actually, I'm only ALMOST done. I mistyped.
<Ataru> Freeman_MPK>I mentioned earlier that a message constantly hammered into the reader's head is that Vrook is the undisputed dictator of the Jedi Order, and that he is evil.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>That becomes very apparent here.
<Ataru> Freeman_MPK>Of course, the author knows full-well that even at his absolute worst, Vrook is NOT evil and NEVER does anything evil in the games. Therefore, the author has to INVENT something evil for him to do. No matter how unbelievable it is.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>At some time, presumably during the night, a group of Jedi (led by their Führer Vrook, of course) go into Bastila's room and literally drag her out like some lunatic being taken to a fucking asylum.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>The punishment they (read:Vrook) has selected is to cut her bond with Revan.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>Revan runs into Malak as soon as she gets out of her room and is about to go help Bastila. Malak convinces her that it's too late to help Bastila, so the two escape.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>The sheer absurdity of this segment alone may be enough to kill you with its sheet stupidity, but I'm going to assume you all can handle it.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>*sheer
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>The next chapter summarizes what happened next. Revan and Malak went to the Republic Military to help them fight the Mandalorians, but their reasons are *FAR* less noble than in the game.
<Ataru> :<Freeman_MPK>In the games, Revan and Malak led a faction of Jedi to take command of the Republic fleet and defend the civilized galaxy against the marauding barbarian Mandalorians.
<Ataru> KRIFF ME
<SquishyVic> i lol'd
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
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<SquishyVic> Hai.
<Ataru> Blast.
<SquishyVic> And now i Must leave. lol.
<SquishyVic> I will haer more later.
<Ataru> Now that I've totally kerploded the channel and MPK's connection.
<SquishyVic> Thank you Ataru :P
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<Ataru> It booted me for flood for that. :-P
<Freeman_MPK> This lag is too much for me. I am going to leave IRC, and then immediately come back so I can finish.
<Freeman_MPK> This lag is too much for me. I am going to leave IRC, and then immediately come back so I can finish.
<Freeman_MPK> This lag is too much for me. I am going to leave IRC, and then immediately come back so I can finish




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<Freeman_MPK> Ok, I'm back.
<Ataru> Hi.
<Ataru> Sorry about all that channel spam. 9_9 My bad.
<Freeman_MPK> No problem, my connection was almost dead anyway.
<Freeman_MPK> Now, where was I.
<Ataru> Something about TFU, but without any coolness.
<Freeman_MPK> Ah.
<Freeman_MPK> To be more precise, this scene is told from Bastila's viewpoint. She was brought there by the Jedi army as bait. Revan arrives with her own army, and Vrook, since he's such a dastardly and nefarious villain, personally leads the charge against her.
<Freeman_MPK> Bastila, meanwhile, sticks around in the back while Revan carves through the Jedi ranks like Kratos from God of War or Starkiller from The Force Unleashed, except without anything actually cool going on.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan eventually reaches Bastila. Bastila's thoughts as the battle reaches its climax indicate that Vrook (why pretend there's a Council anymore?) didn't just sever their bond. They actually reprogrammed her mind to make her think that she and Revan were just friends before the war.
<Freeman_MPK> This is the ultimate demonization of Vrook. He's the fucking Thought Police now.
<Freeman_MPK> He took Bastila to Room 101 and tied that rat cage-helmet thing to her head.
<Freeman_MPK> It did the trick.
<Freeman_MPK> This is so fucked up... How can I find the words?
<Freeman_MPK> I unable to sympathize with anyone here except Bastila, because she's caught between the Jedi-who-aren't-Jedi and her crazy bitch girlfriend.
<Freeman_MPK> This is insane. This is the most insane bullshit I have ever read in my LIFE. More insane than KAREN TRAVISS.
<Freeman_MPK> At least in Traviss' books, the Jedi's supposed evilness is disguised. In this thing, the Jedi don't even PRETEND to not be evil.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, the battle goes on... Not literally, of course. The whole scene only lasts about two and a half paragraphs, because the author is freaking awful when it comes to battles that involve more than a handful of people.
<Freeman_MPK> After Bastila's thoughts which reveal her lobotomy are established, she charges into the battle to save Vrook from being killed by Revan.
<Freeman_MPK> For some reason, Revan's army retreats at this point. The other Jedi converge on Vrook and Revan. Vrook, being the nefarious, slippery coward he is, retreats also. Revan herself ends up getting impaled by Bastila.
<Freeman_MPK> Obviously, the wound isn't lethal.
<Freeman_MPK> Then, it states rather poorly (with no visuals or descriptive writing at all) that a Malak's flagship (and for some reason, one of the Republic vessels) fires on the battlefield.
<Freeman_MPK> So Revan, Bastila, Vrook, and the rest of the extras with them are all vaporized in a massive explosion.
<Freeman_MPK> Wait... I imagined that part because it would make more sense than what the author wrote.
<Freeman_MPK> (I don't have accursed lag anymore, so feel free to comment)
<Ataru> Ah.
<Ataru> Well, it's a good thing *everyone* can survive being stabbed by a lightsaber.
<Ataru> Too bad Qui-Gon didn't know that trick.
<Freeman_MPK> Heh
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Freeman_MPK> The specific word was "impaled".
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, to shield them from the explosion, Revan calls upon the Force and does a magic shield trick or some stupid shit like that to keep them from getting killed by the TURBOLASERS.
<Solus|Cheese> Head, meet desk.
<Ataru> WTF
      • SG1|Hereish is now known as SG1|zzz
<Freeman_MPK> Technically, it doesn't say Malak's flagship continues firing, but I assume that Malak would know better than to take chances with Revan, because he isn't mentally retarded... oh, wait.
<Freeman_MPK> Incidentally, this implies that the reason the Sith army retreated was because Malak wanted to avoid them getting killed along with Revan. Incidentally, this is inconsistent with Malak's character.
<Freeman_MPK> Incidentally, the author is an idiot.
<Solus|Cheese> O RLY?
<Ataru> You don't say.
<Freeman_MPK> In her last seconds of consciousness, Revan is described as trying to "reopen" their bond, or some dumbass shit like that. I thought it was severed. Now it's blocked.
<Freeman_MPK> That's when the flashbacks end.
<Freeman_MPK> It goes back to Revan, Bastila, and Malak on the Star Forge.
<Brandon_Rhea|BBL> WTF is this madness
<Freeman_MPK> Lol
<Ataru> This whole story was told in /flashback/>
<Ataru> ?
<Ataru> O.i
<Ataru> * O.o
<Brandon_Rhea|BBL> It's gotten progressively worse!
<Freeman_MPK> Now, here I must make a confession.
<Ataru> With all due respect to Brandon, I've seen ASWS that has more respect for canon than this.
<Solus|Cheese> BACCIE!
<Freeman_MPK> 1 second, dredaded phone call
<Brandon_Rhea|BBL> I may bend canon but there are certain things I'll never do
<Brandon_Rhea|BBL> There are core things in SW that just shouldn't change
<Solus|Cheese> Dredaded?
<Brandon_Rhea|BBL> BBS :P
  • Ataru suspects that the Freeman is experiencing lag.
      • Solus|Fishy has joined #swfanon
      • Solus|Cheese has quit ["CGI:IRC (EOF)"]
<Solus|Fishy> Sorry.
<Solus|Fishy> Internet blipped.
<Solus|Fishy> What'd I miss?
<Ataru> Nothing.
<Solus|Fishy> Ah.
<Solus|Fishy> So, what did he say Dredaded meant?
<Freeman_MPK> i am forced to take ap hone call right now, am ytping with one hand, will hang up asap, will soon be ready to finish
<Solus|Fishy> o

Part IV: Revel

<Freeman_MPK> Ok, my brother called on the phone, distracted me
<Freeman_MPK> I'm back now.
<Ataru> Ah.
<Ataru> Solus: Probably "dreaded"
<Freeman_MPK> Ok, where was I? I just finished describing the ludircus battle.
<Freeman_MPK> Yes, dreaded.
<Freeman_MPK> Are all the listeners up to speed?
<Ataru> Yep, yep.
<Freeman_MPK> Okie-doke.
<Solus|Fishy> YAY
<Freeman_MPK> As I was saying, after the battle ends, the flashbacks end and it returns to the present tense.
<Solus|Fishy> I'm so stealing the word Dredaded BTW.
<Freeman_MPK> You've earned it by sitting through my ramblings.
<Freeman_MPK> Now, here I must make a confession.
<Freeman_MPK> The fic doesn't end there. It goes on for TWO MORE BLOODY CHAPTERS.
<Ataru> o.O
<Freeman_MPK> But I never read any further than all that I've described.
<Solus|Fishy> ...
<Solus|Fishy> How many chapters was that?
<Freeman_MPK> Four.
<Solus|Fishy> good grief.
<Ataru> Holy crap.
<Freeman_MPK> It's not abnormally long by my standards. I think I'm just taking a while to summarize it.
<Ataru> Possibly.
<Ataru> You're trying to make us share your pain from reading that atrocity. :-P
<Solus|Fishy> Heh.
<Freeman_MPK> In any case, I never read any further because I was so crushed by the magnitude of how horrific this piece of work was.
      • Solus|Fishy is now known as Solus|Cheese
<Ataru> Well, I had the same problem with Wylind's work, tbh.
<Solus|Cheese> I don't blame either of you.
<Ataru> I never actually read it all . . . the first 3 chapters were enough to make me leave 30+ objections and want to smack my computer screen.
  • Ataru just skimmed the rest.
<Freeman_MPK> You know the Mass Shadow Generator from KOTOR II?
<Solus|Cheese> I commend you for even skimming past that.
<Freeman_MPK> The screams of countless thousands, the graveyard world surrounded by the fleet of dead ships?
<Solus|Cheese> MPK: Oh stinkin' no?
<Solus|Cheese> *.
<Ataru> yep
<Solus|Cheese> Don't tell me.
<Solus|Cheese> Good grief.
<Solus|Cheese> I know about the thing, I accidentally pressed the ? button.
<Freeman_MPK> The superweapon that destroyed a planet at the end of the Mandalorian Wars and left an eternity of hate and hunger?
<Freeman_MPK> That was this fan fic.
<Freeman_MPK> THIS THING is what killed a planet.
<Ataru> LOL
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Freeman_MPK> Believe it or not, I didn't really believe that it would turn out to be this abominable when I began reading it.
<Ataru> o.O
<Freeman_MPK> Let me explain myself.
<Solus|Cheese> o rly
  • Ataru knew exactly how abominable Force Legend would be when he started reading it.
<Freeman_MPK> Originality is INSANELY hard to find in the realm of KOTOR fiction.
<Solus|Cheese> Remember, abominable's BOUNCE!
<Solus|Cheese> *abonimables
<Freeman_MPK> When I saw that it depicted a romance between Bastila and a female Revan, I decided that it was worth giving a chance.
<Freeman_MPK> Why?
<Ataru> Freeman_MPK: So I've heard. That's why I've never written KotOR fanfic.
<Freeman_MPK> Because everything is is female Revan and Carth.
<Freeman_MPK> Nobody ever writes anything else.
<Ataru> Ew.
<Solus|Cheese> ._.
  • Ataru is not good enough with the KotOR era to write that stuff.
<Ataru> I'm a 50 BBY to 30-50ish ABY man myself.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyone who is willing to deviate so far from the norm which has been beaten to death so many times HAS to have some originality and promise.
<Solus|Cheese> Especially not after TOR gets through with ripping continuity to shreds.
<Ataru> Apparently not. :-P
<Freeman_MPK> Incidentally, here's a fun fact: In the Dark Order Continuity, TOR never happened.
<Solus|Cheese> RLY?
<Solus|Cheese> I don't blame you.
<Ataru> Incidentally, here's a fun fact: In the Force Exile Series, this monstrosity known as TCW never happened.
<Ataru> Imagine that. :-P
<Solus|Cheese> lulz
<Solus|Cheese> XD
<Solus|Cheese> Yeah, when something gets lower ratings than the Holiday Special...
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, let me get back to why I thought this fic would be good. I don't want to start a tangent.
<Solus|Cheese> OO! TANGENT! Pretty tangent
<Freeman_MPK> The mere fact that the author would write a roomance between Bastila and a Female Revan, as I've said, automatically told me that the author knew how to be original.
<Freeman_MPK> And to be honest, this fic WAS original.
<Freeman_MPK> Malak being Bastila's brother? Vrook being Bastila's master? Have you ever heard of such weirdass stuff?
<Freeman_MPK> Revan starting the Jedi Civil War over Bastila, and nothing else?
<Freeman_MPK> The Jedi being honest-to-Katarn EVIL?
<Freeman_MPK> In fact, at risk of looking like I'm going soft, I didn't think the first chapter was all that bad.
<Freeman_MPK> The first chapter, BTW, is the stuff before the flashbacks take over.
<Ataru> Hmm.
  • Ataru will be back in about 20ish minutes.F
<Ataru> *Food calls.
<Solus|Cheese> FOOD!
<Solus|Cheese> FOOD!
<Solus|Cheese> FOOD!
<Solus|Cheese> Makes me happy. ^-^
<Freeman_MPK> K.
<Freeman_MPK> I swear, aside from Revan's occasional weak blame-the-Jedi-for-everything bit of dialogue, the first chapter was cool.
<Freeman_MPK> Malak was a compelling villain. Him being Bastila's brother was random and weird, but it made the scene work more, because of how malevolent and twisted he is during the whole thing.
<Freeman_MPK> Then came the second chapter.
<Freeman_MPK> I never in my life have read any work of fiction that was so brilliant, yet so completely, irrevocably HORRIBLE.
<Freeman_MPK> Solus, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I cannot imagine Force Legend being worse than this.
<Freeman_MPK> It sounds impossible.
<Freeman_MPK> Want to know why?
<Solus|Cheese> Sure.
<Solus|Cheese> And I agree with you on that.
<Solus|Cheese> Bad grammar isn't as bad as...bad.
<Freeman_MPK> That, Solus, is PRECISELY what I am getting at. Ataru said that Force Legend doesn't even have coherent sentences, while this one does. But this fic LOOKED like it would be great.
<Freeman_MPK> Tell me, which villain is more nefarious? The one who is evil from the beginning, but the one who begins as your best friend and betrays you?
<Freeman_MPK> Force Legend is the first, and this KOTOR fic is the second. This work of fiction BETRAYS the reader. The brilliance of the plot between Revan and Bastila is poisoned and utterly destroyed by the indescribable stupidity of the portrayal of Vrook and the other Jedi.
<Brandon_Rhea|BBL> My God.....
<Solus|Cheese> Yah.
<Solus|Cheese> BACCIE!
      • Brandon_Rhea|BBL is now known as Brandon_Rhea
<Freeman_MPK> Welcome back, brandon.
<Brandon_Rhea> Thank you
<Freeman_MPK> Have you been reading this on and off the whole time?
<Brandon_Rhea> Yeah
<Brandon_Rhea> MPK, do you realize that you've been telling this story for about 5 hours now? :P
<Freeman_MPK> sweet, that means I don't have to make a recap, again
<Freeman_MPK> Sort of.
<Solus|Cheese> He's getting into the philosophy of writing.
<Brandon_Rhea> Ah cool
<Freeman_MPK> As I was saying, the premise was genius.
<Freeman_MPK> Mind you, if I wrote KOTOR novelizations, I wouldn't have Malak as Bastila's brother or anything like that, but those sort of changes were a breath of fresh air.
<Freeman_MPK> But the compellingness (is that a word?) of Malak's villainous character in the first chapter was castrated, cutted, and set on fire by the magnitude of evil that came afterward.
<Freeman_MPK> Every good element in the story meant nothing.
      • Jedimca0 has quit
<Freeman_MPK> That is why I think I already know that Force Legend will not be worse than this fic which I have described for the last five hours.
<Brandon_Rhea> I don't know, from what I hear Force Legend is pretty bad
<Solus|Cheese> I'm sure it isn't. Wylind isn't that catastrophically brilliant.
<Freeman_MPK> Force Legend, at least, has an untalented author at the wheel. But this author was CLEARLY capable of writing a masterpiece.
<Brandon_Rhea> At least his character Dalton Wylind II isn't in Force Legend.
<Brandon_Rhea> Wylind DESIGNED Dalton SPECIFICALLY to be a Mary Sue
<Solus|Cheese> ._.
<Brandon_Rhea> Hence why we rejected it's GAN :P
<Solus|Cheese> YYYYYYYY?
<Brandon_Rhea> Never mind the fact that the article isn't that good
<Solus|Cheese> Why do you MAKE something a MS on purpose?
<Brandon_Rhea> If it's designed to be a Mary Sue, you're not getting it to be a GA
<Solus|Cheese> That's just plain DUMB.
<Freeman_MPK> That's another thing. This KOTOR author clearly believed that they were making something good.
<Freeman_MPK> This KOTOR fic is like if, at the height of the Clone Wars, the Republic prepared for a massive assault on a major Separatist fortress world in the Outer Rim.
<Brandon_Rhea> Everyone believes they're making something good. You can't detach yourself to see if that's true or not unless you can just REALLY be objective
<Freeman_MPK> They prepare a massive invasion fleet, Praetor-class and Procurator-class Star Battlecruisers, Mandator-class Star Dreadnaughts, Imperator-class Star Destroyers, all of their best types of ships, commanded and crewed by the best personnel and leaders they have.
<Freeman_MPK> And on the day of they attack, the entire fleet hyperspaces straight the uninhabited moon which orbits the target planet. The whole fleet is lost and the Separatist have suffered no casualties.
<Freeman_MPK> That's what this fic is.
<Freeman_MPK> The 232nd FAILURE FLOTILLA.
<Freeman_MPK> Know what I mean?
<Solus|Cheese> yah
<Solus|Cheese> That's pretty bad.
<Brandon_Rhea> Lolololol
<Freeman_MPK> I was so flabbergasted, so horrified, so DRAINED by the time I got to that point in the fic, that I couldn't stand to read any more.
<Solus|Cheese> Wow. It's pretty bad if it drains you.
<Freeman_MPK> Be right back, have to go fetch the mail.

Epilogue

<Freeman_MPK> I'm back.
<Freeman_MPK> Ok.
<Freeman_MPK> Now that you people have faithfully persevered through my entire summary, I will tell you what this thing IS.
<Solus|Cheese> oooo
<Freeman_MPK> To read this fic is to feel it crushing every cell of your being.
<Freeman_MPK> It is like being buried alive until it seems you will never breath again.
<Freeman_MPK> This thing is called
      • JM76has joined #swfanon
<Freeman_MPK> "Prophet, Thing of Evil".
<Solus|Cheese> JM!!!!
<Freeman_MPK> Welcome, JM.
<Freeman_MPK> That's what it's called. "Prophet, Thing of Evil". If you dare to read this horrifying mess, you can find it at fanfiction.net, in the games/Star Wars section.
<Freeman_MPK> Do think you will ever dare?
<Solus|Cheese> No, I don't think I will.
<Brandon_Rhea> I think I'll pass.
<Solus|Cheese> As a rule, I don't read fanfics. There are exceptions, but not many.
<Brandon_Rhea> Most fan fics suck things that aren't meant to be sucked.
<Brandon_Rhea> They're just that bad.
<Freeman_MPK> Heh, you are wiser people than me, no doubt.
<Brandon_Rhea> Well you've read the worst of Star Wars Fanon by CHOICE
<Brandon_Rhea> And then have written reviews on them, thus making you remember and relive the trauma.
<Brandon_Rhea> You are a sick, sick soul.
<Brandon_Rhea> At least the reviews bash the shit out of them. That must bring some degree of comfort.
<Freeman_MPK> I have a similar rule to Solus.
<Solus|Cheese> The novel bashing Ichi Go was pure brilliance.
  • Ataru is back.
<Solus|Cheese> ATARU!
<Freeman_MPK> Welcome back
<Freeman_MPK> Yes, with Ichi Go I really outdid myself.
<Freeman_MPK> The funny thing about that case is that I really didn't NEED to write a novel about it. In fact, I could've just said "Mary Sue", and placed my vote down.
<Brandon_Rhea> Where did you bash Ichi Go?
<Freeman_MPK> The Third FA Awards.
<Freeman_MPK> I mean, reviews.
<Freeman_MPK> It was immensely long.
<Brandon_Rhea> Ah yes
<Brandon_Rhea> I remember now
<Solus|Cheese> It was AWESOME.
<Brandon_Rhea> I was thinking of your user page and was like "?"
<Solus|Cheese> It ought to be immortalized.
<Solus|Cheese> I mean, seriously.
<Freeman_MPK> I might yet put it on my page or a subpage.
<Solus|Cheese> Please do.
<Brandon_Rhea> Yeah you should
<Solus|Cheese> For posterity's sake.
<Freeman_MPK> Here's a fun fact: I couldn't read Ichi Go without editing it so that I could read it.
<Solus|Cheese> XD
<Brandon_Rhea> Wow this thing is long....
<Solus|Cheese> I am not surprised.
<Ataru> Heh.
<Solus|Cheese> I told you it was a novel.
  • Ataru sees JM76 is in.
<Solus|Cheese> I should have nominated THAT for best fan work.
<Brandon_Rhea> You guys are too cultured.
<Solus|Cheese> Cultured? Me?
<Brandon_Rhea> I left a door so wide open for any one of you to walk through and none of you did it.
<Freeman_MPK> One of the first complaints of the review was "Every image is too damne dsmall and fails to break up the text." So I clicked the edit button, changed the images top ones that I could look at, and resized them. I then pressed the preview button, and I could then read the article
<Ataru> I don't think I want to know.
<Brandon_Rhea> I said "wow this thing is long"
<Ataru> Knowing Brandon, it probably has something to do with sex.
<Freeman_MPK> That's what she said?
<Brandon_Rhea> And someone should have said, "that's what she said".
<Brandon_Rhea> MPK gets half of a prize since he guessed right, but he did it too late.
<Freeman_MPK> Better than nothing.
<Ataru> Congrats, MPK. You have now have of a Bendy Bendu action figure, courtesy of Rhea. :-P
<Ataru> Enjoy.
<Ataru> *half
<Brandon_Rhea> Lol
<Freeman_MPK> Lol
<Brandon_Rhea> You get Laili Rendar's left side.
<Brandon_Rhea> I'll give the right side to Ataru since he loves her so much.
<Ataru> :|
<Brandon_Rhea> :D
<Ataru> WTF is this:
<Ataru> http://swfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Force_Stagnate
<Ataru> ?
<Freeman_MPK> The only problem with this conversation is that it's way too bigg for me to put on my userpage, or even a subpage. Maybe I should host it for download somewhere.
<Ataru> One, it manages to pull off my biggest grammar pet peeve in *5 lines of text*
<Brandon_Rhea> Force Stagnate XD
<Ataru> Two, it's a stupid name.
<Ataru> Three, just . . . NO!
<Solus|Cheese> wow
  • Ataru pounds Teh Desk.
<Freeman_MPK> Geeze. It's no wonder NKSCF named a ship after that hack.
<Brandon_Rhea> Write a four page review for the 5 sentence article :P
<Ataru> Third of all, JM76 . . . .
<Ataru> I'm incredibly shocked and disappointed in you.
<Ataru> http://swfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Talk:Force_Stagnate
<Ataru> You wanted to *use* Force Stagnate on Zacky Fayne? o.O
<Freeman_MPK> Zack Fane and everything else in the KOTOR comics is dead to me and the Dark Order Continuity
<Brandon_Rhea> I recall times when JM76 was one of them and not one of us :P
<Freeman_MPK> Heh
<Solus|Cheese> Zack Fayne isn't in any KOTOR comics...
<Solus|Cheese> o.O
<Solus|Cheese> Zack is from FF...
<Freeman_MPK> What's FF?
<Ataru> Freeman: You're thinking Zayne Carrick.
<Freeman_MPK> Oh.
<Ataru> Zacky Fayne is one of JM76's creations.
<Freeman_MPK> I feel sheepish.
<Ataru> 'sokay.
<JM76> Dear goodness, the pinging.
<Solus|Cheese> All right, you bad boy, but no more freebies!
  • JM76 is trying to catch up with the convo....
<Ataru> The only thing I know about your work is Jaden Korr and the Battle of Bakura, MPK.
<Brandon_Rhea> JM76
<Brandon_Rhea> JM76
<Brandon_Rhea> JM76
<Brandon_Rhea> JM76
<Freeman_MPK> LOL
<Brandon_Rhea> :P
<Ataru> So, in all fairness, if you mentioned something of yours, I'd have a hard time recalling it from memory anyway.
<Solus|Cheese> I can do better than that.
<Solus|Cheese> But I won't.
<Solus|Cheese> ^-^
<Ataru> Not TEH PING OF D00M!
<Solus|Cheese> :<3
<Ataru> For the uninitiated, Solus has this punishment she calls "Death by Ping"
<Freeman_MPK> This conversation is getting too big, I'll be right back.
<Solus|Cheese> I can do it so fast I break your browser.
<JM76> Alright guys. Now that I'm not afk upon joining the channel and understand what's what we're talking about... what's going on?
<Solus|Cheese> It's that awesome.
<Solus|Cheese> JM76: It's a 5 hour long story...
<JM76> o.o
<Ataru> JM76: MPK was ranting about some awful KotOR fic he read.
<Ataru> Replete with lesbian Revan and Bastila.
<JM76> Wow.
<Ataru> And awful pwnage of canon.
<JM76> I imagine.


      • Freeman_MPK has joined #swfanon
<Ataru> He's back.
<Solus|Cheese> MPK!
<Solus|Cheese> He returneth. ^-^
<JM76> Heh.
<Freeman_MPK> Actually, the lesbian Revan and Bastila wasn't even close to the problem with this fic.
<Freeman_MPK> But I'm not going to repeat myself.
<Solus|Cheese> Where are teh logz?
<Ataru> It's a long, long, long, long story.
<Brandon_Rhea> You won't find that fic on TF.N that's for damn sure
<Ataru> To say the least.
<Freeman_MPK> JM76, if you want the story, leave me a message sometime, and I'll E-mail you a transcript of the whole thing.
<Freeman_MPK> I always save interesting conversations like this,
<Freeman_MPK> Was the story too long, Ataru?
<JM76> Alright, sounds good.
<Ataru> Freeman_MPK: Nah. Just too long for me to recap all the flaws in a short synopsis.
<Ataru> Especially since I lost my logs.
<Freeman_MPK> Ah
<Ataru> And JM76, don't even think you're off the hook for Force Stagnate.

Proper-ish Review on Fanfiction.net, June 2011

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