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So uncivilized!

This article contains an excess of completely rampant and unadulterated stupidity.
Any and all questions should be left on this article's talk page.


Carth is being a little schutta again.

This article contains a considerable amount of profanity in it.
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Absolutely, Positively NOT to be confused with my Legends of the Jedi fanfic series

Star Wars: Jedi Legends
or, ''One of the Shittiest, Most Overrated Campaign Series Ever Made for [[starwars:Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds|Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds]]'', according to MPK

IRC Conversation: June 25, 2011


FoC Star Map

<Freeman_MPK> I'm tired. I went for a run. <Freeman_MPK> Hey Goodwood, I just wanted to know, who's our resident cover-maker?

<Goodwood> Hello Freeman_MPK.
<Goodwood> Let's see.
<Goodwood> Solus, Trak and myself have all produced good covers.
<Goodwood> As well as SquishyVic.
<Freeman_MPK> Vic's still around?
<Goodwood> He's been popping in.
<Goodwood> But I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks.
<Goodwood> He's read the first three of my stories though.
<Goodwood has been working on his sixth, incidentally.
<Freeman_MPK> Ah, so I heard
<Freeman_MPK> How's that going?
<Goodwood> It seems to be going fairly well.
<Goodwood> However there is no indication when it will be done.
<Freeman_MPK> My writing's kinda in stasis.
<Goodwood> Yeah, I get that a lot.
<Goodwood> I only just resumed a couple days ago.
<Freeman_MPK> When I get around to it, I suspect that the next story I write will be the one about the Rakatan ruins on Dantooine, because my idea of it is much more vivid than the one about the Jedi and his first day with a sword.
<Goodwood> Hehe
<Goodwood> Go for it mate, I look forward to reading the results.
<Freeman_MPK> I dunno when I will, though. It's clearer than the other one, but still rather fuzzy. I haven't really got anything in particular on the characters, and the setting (the First Great Schism) is pretty much the only thing set in stone about it.
<Goodwood> Interesting.
<Goodwood> Too bad you don't write like me -- get a few ideas together and just start tapping away and see what develops, that is.
<Freeman_MPK> I guess
<Goodwood> Heh.
<Goodwood> Sorry, didn't mean to diminish your work.
<Freeman_MPK> Bah, it's fine

<Freeman_MPK> I just don't seem to be good at writing with much progress unless I sorta know what I'm going to write.

<Freeman_MPK> I know mostly what happens in this one up to before the ending, but I don't know anything about the characters - at all. How am I supposed to work with that?
<Goodwood> True.
<Goodwood> I'm sure you can think of some interesting character templates to put together.
<Goodwood> Yeah, /Time's Arrow/ is approaching 8,800 words.

<Freeman_MPK> Sure I can, but it'll take time.

<Freeman_MPK> I... I can't stay on here.
<Freeman_MPK> I'm the type of guy to stay on and rant about something, but my heart just ain't in it tonight. And there's almost nobody on. P
<Goodwood> (
<Goodwood> Hmm.
<Goodwood> Perhaps if you learned how to divert some of that rant energy into creative thinking...
<Goodwood> ...then you could power Manhattan for a year.
<Goodwood> ;)
<Freeman_MPK> XD
<Freeman_MPK> Probably, but I feel fresh out of both at the moment.
<Goodwood> Heh.

Part I


<Freeman_MPK> Oddly enough, after I finished my run today and got back in my car

<Goodwood> Go outside and enjoy the day. :)
<Freeman_MPK> It's raining out.
<Goodwood> Oh, wait, you already did. :)
<Goodwood> Awww.
<Goodwood> :(
<Freeman_MPK> Eh, I rain don't hurt
<Freeman_MPK> But here's an odd thing
<Goodwood> Indeed.
<Freeman_MPK> After I got done with my run and got back in the car, while I waited to be capable of driving again I spent like five minutes talking to myself about the story of a shitty campaign for /Galactic Battlegrounds/ that I played years ago
<Goodwood> XD

* Goodwood remembers that game well, it was an Age of Empires II clone.

<Freeman_MPK> Yeah, its only real merit was in the RPG-style scenarios. And multi-player "senate" games.
<Freeman_MPK> But I remember this one thing because it was touted as a spectacular story
<Freeman_MPK> But aside from being bland and rather stupid toward the end, it made no sense in the context of Star Wars. There was a Jedi Academy with like 200 Jedi on this one planet, y'see, run by Yoda, but it gets attacked by the Empire and shit.
<Freeman_MPK> And I'm like, dude how does this make sense? When in Star Wars does it take place? And you know what he said?
<Goodwood> Oi.
<Freeman_MPK> "Decide for yourself."
<Goodwood> LMFAO!
<Goodwood> "Okay, how about this: IT DOESN'T!"
<CommanderTony> Takes place between 1940 and 1976 in the same galaxy E.T. was born in.
<Goodwood> XD
<CommanderTony> Invasion of Naboo = Battle of Britain
<Freeman_MPK> Hah
<CommanderTony> Battle of Coruscant = Tet Offensive
<Freeman_MPK> The main antagonist of Part I and sorta Part II was this "Darth Bromios" character
<Freeman_MPK> WHo for some reason is leading the Empire, and at first this story doesn't appear to be AU - the Emperor is mentioned, so why he tolerates a third Darth guy in his employ (or why he sends him to kill several hundred Jedi instead of Vader) is anyone's guess
<Goodwood> :P
<Freeman_MPK> *leading the imperials sent to this planet, that is
<Freeman_MPK> The Temple gets fucked up, and the two main heroes - this Jedi Padawan possessing no character whatsoever, and his Master Lucien, who possesses no character whatsoever - lead this rebel group on the planet and somehow more or less turn the Imps back
<Goodwood> Feh.
<Freeman_MPK> It gets better.
<Freeman_MPK> And My rant energy seems to be coming back a bit.
<Freeman_MPK> (Go figure)
<Goodwood> XD
<Freeman_MPK> Anyways, Lucien fights and gets killed by Bromios... And the Empire in its retreat or whatever leaves behind a division of troops and stuff led by a dude named.... Uh, "General Hojo".
<Freeman_MPK> (Who I think I heard later is also the name of a Final Fantasy character)
<Freeman_MPK> Hojo and his mooks take over the planet (which does not exist in the canon) and he establishes his own tyrannical government, which is called... EMPIRE. Seriously, EMPIRE. In all caps. Not even a "the" - just EMPIRE.
<Freeman_MPK> ...aaand he starts hunting down the Jedi and capturing many of them alive for his own "nefarious" purposes while simultaneously beating the proper Imperial forces.
<Goodwood> lmao
<Freeman_MPK> Meanwhile, Adi - that's the hero's name, by the way - happens across this other Jedi named Naat, and because she's a chick we know from day one they're going to start fucking for no reason. And speaking of the heroes, you can tell why the website I got this campaign from hailed the creator as a spectacular storyteller - Adi has /no/ backstory except that his parents were killed by the Empire...
<Freeman_MPK> ...when he was just a tyke (shock), and Naat's is that Hojo killed her Jedi dad.
<Freeman_MPK> Long, shitty, shitty story short, Adi and Naat journey to some shitty capital city of Hojo's the name of which I'm not bothering with, because they both want to like stop him and whatnot, and stop whatever evil project he keeps capturing Jedi for.
<Freeman_MPK> Naat meets up with... Some guy. An outlaw or something, who knows a bunch of other outlaws (none of whom have any character at all), who come up with some plan to break into Hojo's palace and kill him while he's distracting by an impending Imperial attack.
<Goodwood> Oi.
<Freeman_MPK> So they break in, and at this point I feel compelled to ask an entire /slew/ of what I would think are no-brainer questions.
<Freeman_MPK> For example, what's up with Hojo and his EMPIRE? Why are /they/ the main big threat of this story, when their military forces from all indications (and in fact explicitly stated in the story) allow him to dominate all of one fucking star system on the ass-end of space?
<Freeman_MPK> (Oh, I forgot to mention, Lucien and Darth Bromios both killed each other early on. That is /tremendously/ important. Now back to questions)
<Goodwood> lol
<Freeman_MPK> Why is the actual Galactic Empire having so much trouble being competent at anything here? Why didn't they send Vader, plus an enormously large fleet to this planet - which originally housed /several hundred Jedi, *including Yoda* / by the way - and curb-stomp Hojo's traitorous ass in a day and a half?
<Freeman_MPK> Why do I care so fucking much?
<Freeman_MPK> Aaaanyway, they break into Hojo's super-secret ultra-science lab where (of course) his evil project is just completed.
<Freeman_MPK> Turns out it's the "Harpax", this artifically-created Sith warrior thing he's been cooking up. You see, all the Jedi his goons have been capturing up to this point, he's been throwing them into a (the scenario's words) "Medical Goo Tank" which somehow transfers their essence and powers into the Harpax, so it's super-powerful.
<Freeman_MPK> (Allegedly, as we'll soon find out)
<Freeman_MPK> Adi, Naat, and the useless extras bust in and confront him, but things start to get /really/ stupid when the Harpax sees that a number of the extras are wearing /purple/. So it goes berserk and kills them. Turns out that there's a "glitch" such that he really fucking hates anything purple.
<Freeman_MPK> Which is never mentioned again. Even better, the entire concept of this "Harpax" thing has thrown me into questioning overdrive again.
<Freeman_MPK> As is immediately shown after, Adi and the good guys zerg-rush the Harpax and kill/mortally wound it. So I ask, how am I supposed to take Hojo seriously as a villain at all? His fucking ultimate weapon lost its first real fight.
<Freeman_MPK> Does Hojo hope to take over the planet with this thing? That doesn't make much sense, since he pretty much already is doing that... And if the galaxy, good fucking luck. One artillery barrage would solve that "ultimate weapon".
<Freeman_MPK> They drag the Harpax back to the tank to regenerate it, and Adi, on an impulse after seeing a friend of his thrown into the tank, jumps in after him and finds himself in some dream memory world shit.

Part II


Part II also included these enemies who weren't wookiees but were represented by wookiees, and they talked in a really fucking annoyingly repetitive way, like, "Stop! You will stop, and you will stop there!"

Freeman_MPK pings Goodwood.

<Freeman_MPK> You still there? I'm feeling more and more pathetic by the minute.

Freeman_MPK is becoming irate so he pings Goodwood again

<Goodwood> Sorry.
<Goodwood> I was working on my King Tiger tank.
<Freeman_MPK> Okie-dokie.
<Freeman_MPK> If I know that at least someone is reading my nonsense I can still live with myself.

Goodwood is catch-up reading. Goodwood> lol @ dream world.

<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, Adi's stuck in this Force dream thing, where he basically views a bunch of memories of himself, his also-characterless friend who got thrown in the tank, and Darth Bromios.
<Goodwood> rofl
<Freeman_MPK> Astonishingly, Bromios actually has something that resembles a /backstory/ - he was once a Jedi, whose village was attacked by people (working for Hojo, oddly enough), and he kills them all only to learn after that everyone he cared about is already dead.
<Freeman_MPK> So obviously he decided to become a Sith Lord.
<Goodwood> It's the only sensible thing to do.
<Freeman_MPK> XD I'm putting that on my userpage
<Goodwood> rofl
<Freeman_MPK> Well anyways, after that memory, Adi encounters a "Master Ibn" who was never shown to exist, but has also been absorbed into this... place. He knows "where" Darth Bromios is, secluded on an island around lava and shit.
<Freeman_MPK> So Ibn and Adi go over there and fight him. The way it works in the game is that the player has to have previously in the scenario viewed enough of the memories, because for each memory "collected" the ghost or whatever of someone Bromios has murdered appears and helps Adi in this fight - without them, it's impossible to win.
<Goodwood> Oi.

Goodwood> And this is all played out using /Galactic Battlegrounds/ ?

<Freeman_MPK> Yeah.
<Freeman_MPK> But trust me, this story sucking so much is in no way the game's fault.
<Goodwood> Say what you will about the story being shit, but setting all that up in an RTS engine takes skills.
<Goodwood> I know.
<Freeman_MPK> So they kill him and the dream world starts to break down. And oddly enough, this causes the Harpax machinery in the real world to explode, killing the invincible unkillable ultimate warrior again.
<Goodwood> lol
<Freeman_MPK> Hojo runs like a roach, but is trapped with Naat and company behind him and none other than Yoda himself in front of him. "Killed many of my Jedi, you have. Pay for this, you should?" (actual dialogue)
<Freeman_MPK> Hojo pleads for mercy, so Yoda says, "Through this door, leave. Do not ever come back."
<Goodwood> XD @ quote
<Freeman_MPK> So Hojo goes through the door and indeed does not ever come back, because on the other side he encounters a wampa (I don't have any fucking idea either) which immediately mauls him to death.
<Goodwood> lmfao
<Goodwood> ROFLMFAO!!!
<Freeman_MPK> What's that line from some play or another...
<Freeman_MPK> Ah, it is in fact very shakespearean
<Goodwood> Yoda knew there was a wampa behind that door. That's why he picked it.
<Freeman_MPK> "Exit stage right, pursued by wampa."
<Goodwood> XD
<Freeman_MPK> I don't know how it makes sense... Though the room where Adi fights the Harpax is this tree and animal-laden area called the bio-dome... But that's not the room that Hojo walks into.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, Yoda, Naat, and company get the fuck out of doge before the building is leveled by the actual Empire.
<Freeman_MPK> And the second-most infuriating moment of this entire three-episode campaign: The /happy fucking ending/ .
<Freeman_MPK> It's Naat writing in a fucking diary. She explains that according to Yoda, all of the Jedi who were absorbed into the Harpax will reappear at wherever they were born (Revan only knows why). So Adi must be alive somewhere but no one knows where.
<Freeman_MPK> She also notes that the cities which were visited in the adventure are all a fucking bed of roses with really nice-y-ness going on and rebuilding and the EMPIRE is gone now and the Jedi are ok.
<Freeman_MPK> For anyone with a shred of common sense, this would be the cue for the Executor to come out of hyperspace and slag the surface of the fucking planet.
<Goodwood> lmfao
<Goodwood> Epic fail.

Freeman_MPK> I'm serious. There is /nothing/ in the story to suggest why the Empire would just leave like it presumably does (Naat's diary doesn't even /mention/ them). Hojo is dead, his armies are scattered, there are still dozens of Jedi * / INCLUDING FUCKING YODA / * around, and the planet was a rebellious one besides. They'd fucking rape the planet just out of spite.

<Goodwood> Indeed.
<Goodwood> Base Delta Zero.
<Freeman_MPK> Honestly I think wouldn't be much overkill - sparse civilian population of rebels, an Imperial occupation force went rogue, /and/ there are Jedi running around.
<Freeman_MPK> But anyway, that's how Part II ends. Part III, I hope I can relate in less time. I'm at an advantage here, because there's so little depth to everything that the plot, characters, and story are all the exact same thing.
<Goodwood> ll
<Goodwood> lol^^

Part III


"Epic" is absolutely not the word to describe it with.

<Freeman_MPK> Part III is like, a few years later or something. Despite their literal annihilation in Part II, the remnants of EMPIRE are led by two new villains, General... I dunno, Gringe, I'll call him. And some Dark Jedi called Lady Elena (I think). They are up to some evil plan, though many of their subordinates think Elena's got a few loose bolts.
<Goodwood> ;p;
<Goodwood> lol
<Freeman_MPK> Meanwhile, Naat is looking for Adi while fighting these EMPIRE remnants. She is pursued by... shit, I don't remember what his name is at all. I'll call him John. John is a guy hired by Naat's father - who came back to life because of the Harpax bullshit rebirth thing earlier) to find Naat because she's run off to find Adi on her own.
<Goodwood> lmfao
<Freeman_MPK> Naat breaks into some bullshit base thing, where she finds Elena. The designer tries to sell this as two nemeses coming back to fight each other again, and they kinda are. So they fight, but the base gets attacked, and Elena runs off to protect it, leaving her mooks and then only a locked fucking door to take care of Naat.
<Goodwood> rofl
<Freeman_MPK> Naat goes to interrogate an EMPIRE scientist after escaping the locked door. Ysee she came here because she's trying to find out what Elena's Evil Plan is. He gives her some cryptic bullshit about manipulating the FABIC OF REALITY ITSELF before giving her some data information thingy and then informs her that the attackers of the base are just about to blow it to smithereens.
<Freeman_MPK> Naat get sout just in time to her ship and escapes, but it gets tractored in by the ship that just leveled the base, and there's an important thing to mention here.
<Freeman_MPK> You see, while this is made with SWGB, it really has no connections to Star Wars at all by this point. So much so that the author wasn't even decent enough to have the EMPIRE's enemy here be the fucking Rebel Alliance - instead it's the Galactic Liberation Fuckwhatever.
<Freeman_MPK> Naat is captured by the GLF, and then meets... WHat's his name again? John, who was picked up by them earlier. In pretty much the only legitimate attempt at development of characterization in the entire series, he tries to convince her to give up on her stupid search for Adi.
<Freeman_MPK> It doesnt work tho, and before anything useful can happen the ship is boarded and then shot down by Elena's... er, flagship I guess. It breaks up and crash-lands, and John goes stumbling out of the wreckage. He has temporary amnesia so when he meets up with the GLF guys he conveniently forgets that Naat isn't with him until later.
<Freeman_MPK> The GLF assholes are going to move in on nearby city, which conveniently is where the EMPIRE's headquarters and the Evil Plan Secret Super-Science lab is being housed. So while they do that, Naat does some bullshit and gets there ahead of them.
<Goodwood> lmao
<Freeman_MPK> She stumbles across two guys who turn out to be Jedi and follows them through a hologram wall (just roll with it). Behind it she finds a hideout of Jedi, led by... Fuck i forgot his name too.
<Goodwood> hahaha
<Freeman_MPK> We'll call him Master Batshit because that's what he is. ...led by Master Batshit. But it turns out that Batshit is training.... ADI!!!
<Goodwood> lol

<Freeman_MPK> So Naat fucking faints as soon as she sees Adi. I don't think it was ever explained why he didn't go find this love of his life and tell her he was all right before going to meet Master Batshit and be trained by him, but there ya go.

<MasterFred> ...
<Goodwood> hahaha
<Goodwood> ohai MasterFred.
<Freeman_MPK> I'm relating another shitty fanfic.
<MasterFred> Yo.
<MasterFred> Ah, I see.
<Freeman_MPK> Which was actually made in the form of a campaign for /Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds/
<Freeman_MPK> It hurts.
<MasterFred> I love that game.
<Goodwood> You would. XD
<MasterFred> Hehe
<MasterFred> It's RTS. That's my fav.
<Freeman_MPK> Goodwood: Continuing the pain. So they bullshit around some more, and they decide that they're gonna break into "EMPIRE"'s building at the coincidentally same time as the /other/ good guys are. /And/ at the same time as General Gringe is gonna, because he's convinced that Elena has gone mental and needs to be stopped.
<Freeman_MPK> (I actually like SWGB myself... I've tried many a time to make a campaign but never finished them.)
<Goodwood> Owie.
<Goodwood> I think I still have SWGB, but it's not installed.
<MasterFred> This sounds dumb.
<Freeman_MPK> I wish you had been here when I started.
<Goodwood> Indeed.
<MasterFred> XD
<MasterFred> I installed it in May so I could write a GA on Weebacca for the barn-burner over at Wookieepedia.
<Goodwood> Heh.
<Freeman_MPK> So in the second and final scenario, it starts with Adi, Naat, Master Batshit, and their company of Jedi Redshirts trying to unlock a door. Naat takes this time to have a flashback with Adi so she can explain why she and Lady Elena are mortal enemies, and allegedly give some insight into her character - kind of like /Highlander/ except fucking stupid.
<Goodwood> I wrote a GA about Simon the Killer Ewok.
<Goodwood> Nevermind, Culator wrote it. I GA'd it.
<Goodwood> lol
<Freeman_MPK> Trying to condense the flashback of shit...
<Freeman_MPK> Earlier in Naat's "adventure" she was with /another/ rebel group against "EMPIRE" that was not the Rebel Alliance. They were gonna bust into some base and kill Elena.
<Freeman_MPK> For some reason there was yet another Jedi in this party with the simple thoroughly ridiculous name of "Clotho".
<Goodwood> XD
<MasterFred> This person writes canon like Leeland Chi.
<Goodwood> Chee.
<MasterFred> I think that's his name.
<MasterFred> Thanks, GW. :)
<Goodwood> Kimchee.
<Goodwood> Leland, not Leeland.
<Freeman_MPK> The player (as Naat) is incidentally given the option of choosing to bring Clotho or one of two other dead-meat characters with different stats to fight their way to the base. If the player doesn't choose Clotho (sounds like something I put in my washing machine), then that makes Naat's need for revenge against Elena even more flimsy.
<MasterFred> Ahh, Leeland is a band.
<MasterFred> A good one at that.
<MasterFred> This story sucks. Please stop before we puke.
<Goodwood> No no, keep giong!
<Goodwood> going^^
<Freeman_MPK> You want a story that makes you want to puke?
<MasterFred> I just ate and then played Just Dance 2 for like two hours, so my food's not very settled.
<Goodwood> Oh, here we go...
<Freeman_MPK> Go read /Prophet, Thing of Evil/. This story will seem like Arthur Conan Doyle by comparison.
<MasterFred> Uh-oh. He's taking a while to write it. I sense a sudden need for a porcelain seat:
<Freeman_MPK> XD
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway... they fight there and meet up with the dudes and fight into the base, where they are confronted by Elena and her goons. The leader of the rebels reveals that their entire party was in fact a /suicide mission/ meant to distract Elena while the actual army attacked.
<MasterFred> O.o
<MasterFred> How unoriginal.
<Freeman_MPK> (It took me a while because I was checking to see how to spell Arthur Conan Doyle)
<MasterFred> XD
<Freeman_MPK> So Elena is miffed and fucks off back into the base, while her men slaughter everyone except Naat and Clotho Extra-Strength Detergent, who decide to go in after her and fight.
<Goodwood> Kobayashi Maru all over again.
<MasterFred> lol
<MasterFred> Clotho? Wow. That's just sad.
<MasterFred> I hope my story doesn't end up like this one.
<Freeman_MPK> So they do some bullshitting around in which Elena tries to use these /giant flamethrowers built into the room's walls/ to kill them.
<Freeman_MPK> There's only two reasons for those things to exist: a) You just so happen to be a Bond villain, and b) The creator of this scenario desperately needed to feature some flamethrower triggers.
<Freeman_MPK> After beating that, she decides to actually fight for a bit, and then she uses a signature Force power (of sorts) of hers to freeze Naat in place.
<Freeman_MPK> At this point here is a minorly humorous moment of stupidity.
<MasterFred> Comic relief!
<Freeman_MPK> No, worse - pretending that the villains don't suck.
<Freeman_MPK> Naat, who occasionally is narrating directly, at this point is waxing poetic about how monstrously deadly Elena is - during this, she also talks about how fiendish and deadly her bodyguard, "Drak", is.
<MasterFred> But they really suck?
<Freeman_MPK> Drak does absolutely nothing in this story except exist, appear in this flashback to help Elena gang-rape Clotho, and then get killed by John with a grenade.
<MasterFred> Pff..grenades.
<MasterFred> Lame.
<Freeman_MPK> Drak has no character and does nothing a mook couldn't - so why Naat decides to talk about him like he's so dangerous, I have no damn clue.
<MasterFred> How can do all this on GB?
<Freeman_MPK> Do what?
<MasterFred> You said it was originally a GB campaign.
<Freeman_MPK> That's all it is
<Freeman_MPK> I speculate that the creator's brain would overload if he ever tried to write serious prose.
<MasterFred> It seems like something you can't really make on GB.
<MasterFred> XD
<Freeman_MPK> It is. Regarding the grenade - you can't see any grenade, it's an explosion trigger. RPGs can be made in GB, it just takes sufficient trigger-work.
<MasterFred> We need a janitor to IP [REDACTED] for brain cleanup.


One thing I forgot to mention during my rant. In Part II, The Wrath of the Sith, there's a sequence where Adi and Naat confront Hojo (ugh) and some of his goons in these snowy mountains. After a very contrived and silly boss battle, Hojo looks like he's about to turn dead on account of lightsaber poisoning, but he can't because it's only about halfway through the scenario.

So he pulls out his ace in the hole: Two prototype tanks that he calls "the Atomizer" (yes, he has two and he calls them THE Atomizer), represented in the game by Decimator tanks. Adi and Naat just stand there like deer in the headlights before getting shot and KOed instantly. Hojo then leaves.

Next thing we know, Adi wakes up in a hotel in a nearby city. He meets up with a Jedi dude who rescued him, and explains that he and Naat survived because (and I swear I am not making this up, the villain is actually this stupid) "It's a good thing those tanks can only stun." There's a number of things that this means.

  1. Hojo is such a fucking idiot that he doesn't even know the capabilities of his own weapons and war machines.
  2. Hojo is such a fucking idiot that he didn't put a blaster shot through Naat and Adi's heads after they were down to be on the safe side.
  3. Hojo is such a fucking idiot that he forgot that Naat and Adi can still be useful to him, because his Harpax project becomes stronger when fed Jedi, even dead Jedi (incidentally, why does he make such a big deal about taking Jedi alive if dead ones are just as good?).
  4. Hojo is such a fucking idiot that his military forces field tanks which cannot kill enemy soldiers.
  5. Hojo is a complete and total fucking idiot.

Part IV

Glass aftermath2

An unimaginable threat is looming: a deranged Dark Jedi had created a horrible invention which could spell doom for all of reality itself! And where are the Emperor and Darth Vader? They're sitting on their arses, oblivious. Well, actually, that's not true, they're just elsewhere, in a story that doesn't completely fucking fail at every single aspect of basic plot-writing.

Freeman_MPK pings Goodwood to do ketchup reading. Goodwood has been reading. Goodwood upends a bottle of ketchup over Freeman_MPK's head.

<MasterFred> I know you can. But built in flamethrowers?

Freeman_MPK> The flamethrowers are just a bunch of explosion triggers used in rapid succession to simulate fire.

<MasterFred> And making her retreat at just the right time?
<MasterFred> Ah.
<MasterFred> Aw..Tony loves us.
<Freeman_MPK> I don't love tony.
<MasterFred> Poor Tony-I-don't-know.
<Freeman_MPK> Anyway, Clotho dies, Elena (of course) has to led Naat go for whatever reason, and the flashback ends. Adi gives Naat a huggles because she was so devastated by seeing Clotho die less than two hours after first meeting him.
<Goodwood> lol
<MasterFred> Gosh. This is horrid.
<MasterFred> Goodwood: Promise my short stories won't suck like this. This is discouraging.
<Freeman_MPK> Then they get thru the door, and meet up with the fighting men of the Galactic Liberation Not-Rebellion Fucktards, who are led by Davi, whom I haven't named before. Davi is the Jedi friend of Adi's who was thrown into the gunk tank in Part II and never mentioned him again. Like Adi, he possesses no character whatsoever.
<Goodwood> I'm sure they won't.
<Freeman_MPK> (Seconded)

<Freeman_MPK> They all team up and march into the big-ass Super Science Lab where Elena is putting her Evil Plan into motion, but they've been beaten to her by General Gringe...

<Brandon_Rhea> Hey Goodwood, Freeman_MPK, MasterFred
<MasterFred> Why doesn't Simon show up and end this non-sense. A brutal but cute Ewok is so much better.
<Brandon_Rhea> Oh yay, fan fic rant!
<Freeman_MPK> Oh hi Brandon, I'm relating the shitty story of a /Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds/ campaign from years past.
<MasterFred> Yo.
<Brandon_Rhea> Simon the Killer Ewok: the one true way to win at Galactic Battlegrounds
<Goodwood> ohai Lady Brandon_Rhea!
<Freeman_MPK> I should see who wins in a fight, Decimator or Simon. Probably Simon.
<Brandon_Rhea> Your face is a lady
<MasterFred> Simon owns, easily.
<MasterFred> Decimators stand no chance.
<Freeman_MPK> Well, anyway.
<MasterFred> When I was writing "Weebacca," I used Simons to get through the levels fast in order to finish the article in time. :P
<Freeman_MPK> ...beaten to her by General Gringe, who with his mooks is about to gun Elena down before her Evil Plan can be begun.
<MasterFred> Oh dear. Brandon, flee.
<Freeman_MPK> But now I must explain /what/ this Evil Plan /is/, because it's probably the crowning moment of stupid for the entire three-campaign series.
<MasterFred> Lord, help us.
<Freeman_MPK> It's a bigass machine that, in Adi's words (Revan only knows how he knows this), "is capable of breaking down all the matter in the universe and rebuilding it as the user sees fit."
<Freeman_MPK> That's word-for-word.
<MasterFred> ...
<MasterFred> .....
<MasterFred> ..
<MasterFred> .
<MasterFred> That hurt.
<Goodwood> Ouch.
<Goodwood> My heart.
<Brandon_Rhea> I have something like that in TCO
<Freeman_MPK> XD
<Brandon_Rhea> Just kidding, I'm not fucking stupid.
<MasterFred> :P
<MasterFred> I didn't know a Evil Plan could be
<MasterFred> *an
<Freeman_MPK> I could explain at length how stupid it is that Palpatine doesn't know about this... Or that breaking down all matter in the universe would include the matter which composes the machine and its user...
<Brandon_Rhea> No, a evil plan
<Brandon_Rhea> So stupid it breaks the laws of grammar
<MasterFred> Xd
<MasterFred> *XD
<Freeman_MPK> But I won't. It's one of those ideas that mocks itself for you.
<Brandon_Rhea> Isn't there a super duper anti-matter break down bubble formed around the user?
<MasterFred> Haha
<MasterFred> Duh, Freeman.
<Freeman_MPK> Gringe tells his men to open fire, but of course it doesn't work, and she kills them all with Force Explosion Triggers except for Gringe for some reason, whom she knocks out. Naat and her superhero team then confronts her.
<MasterFred> Hurry and finish. I need to cram-practice for a piano duet tomorrow.
<Freeman_MPK> I'll try.
<Brandon_Rhea> Justice League....ASSEMBLE!
<Goodwood> XD
<Freeman_MPK> Naat, shedding all pretense of being a Mary Sue, is the only one who is able to resist when Elena uses the Force to paralyze their entire party
<Freeman_MPK> *of not being
<Freeman_MPK> Adi, who used to be the hero of this series, is thrown in a cell by Drak, who is then killed by John (who snuck in off-screen) with the grenade, as mentioned.
<Freeman_MPK> But fortunately Naat kills Elena, blows up the critical component of the machine, all of her useless comrades get up and approach, and Gringe wakes up...
<Freeman_MPK> But it's not enough to just leave and blow the place up. Instead, Jedi Master Batshit decides that he wants to get real angry because he didn't /want/ to destroy the machine, instead he wanted to use it for some damn reason (Revan knows how he knew anything about it).
<Brandon_Rhea> How did Revan know?
<MasterFred> What on Naboo would a Jedi want with that?
<MasterFred> Brandon: He just does.
<Freeman_MPK> Revan knows because she's the best person ever
<MasterFred> *She
<Brandon_Rhea> So Revan is once again a poorly written Mary Sue in this story like all other fan stories (save for MPK's)?
<Brandon_Rhea> Oh and Goodwood's, he wrote a cool Revan scene in AMWTJC
<MasterFred> I mist be lost here.
<Freeman_MPK> No, Revan's not in this story
<Brandon_Rhea> Now I'm lost
<MasterFred> Yay!
<Freeman_MPK> I say "Revan knows" instead of "god knows"
<Goodwood> Brandon_Rhea: I also wrote a Revan scene in TGLF.
<MasterFred> I'm not alone!
<Brandon_Rhea> Ohhhhh
<Brandon_Rhea> I knew that >.>
<Goodwood> No you didn't.
<Goodwood> You haven't read it yet.
<Brandon_Rhea> I was talking to MPK
<Goodwood> lol
<MasterFred> See, that's what I thought, but Rhea got me all confused.
<Brandon_Rhea> I'm conveniently ignoring your TGLF remark, Goodwood
<Brandon_Rhea> :P
<Goodwood> XD

Freeman_MPK> /Anyway,/ Batshit pounds on the keyboard in frustration and the computer reponds by saying that it's functioning normally, even though Naat just blew up the critical components...

<Freeman_MPK> And even though Gringe tells him Elena was insane and turning on that machine EVEN THOUGH IT CANT FUCKIGN WORK ANYMORE
<Freeman_MPK> would be a really stupid fucking idea he starts typing like crazy into it, ignoring Adi's protests
<Goodwood> lol
<Freeman_MPK> Now, obviously the smart thing to do in Naat or Adi's position would be to ram one's lightsaber through the back of Master Batshit's head. Instead, they all just run outside, ignoring the implications of letting a crazy guy sit at the controls of a damaged reality-altering device.
<Brandon_Rhea> Not to mention that matter still exists outside.
<Freeman_MPK> I actually lol'ed at that one XD
<Brandon_Rhea> XD
<MasterFred> XD
<Goodwood> XD
<Brandon_Rhea> XD
<MasterFred> c):D
<Freeman_MPK> XD XD
<Brandon_Rhea> It's dead
<MasterFred> You even got Bob to laugh at that one.
<Brandon_Rhea> MasterFred is the c-c-c-c-combo breaker
<Brandon_Rhea> Bob?
<Freeman_MPK> So instead of ripping the third dimension out of the universe or something, the building just... explodes as soon as they get out. The crisis is over.
<MasterFred> Bob=smiley cowboy man.
<Brandon_Rhea> Don't lie, Fred. I know your real first name. You're speaking in third person. :P
<MasterFred> Umm...but no one ever calls me Bob.
<Brandon_Rhea> Good, because that's a weird name.
<Freeman_MPK> As Naat reminisces /again/ , the last remnants of "EMPIRE" have finally been wiped out. Even though she said that in the /last/ episode. She and Adi got married and have a kid, and they're all living happily-fucking-ever-after.
<MasterFred> And it's not my real name, so...
<MasterFred> Bob is not a weird name. I know some really cool Bobs.
<Freeman_MPK> And I know I said this at the end of Part II, but if the creator of this "story" had a brain then the series would end with the Imperial military bearing down on this stupid fucking planet and blowing it to shit.
<Freeman_MPK> But instead, they will live happily ever after for real this time. Even though in the unlockable "special true" ending, Master Batshit is shown to somehow still be alive...
<Freeman_MPK> And that's the end of this dreadful SWGB campaign's story. It was called /Jedi Legends/ and it sucked.
<Freeman_MPK> The Fucking End.
<Brandon_Rhea> XD
<Goodwood> Lulz.
<MasterFred> Yay!
<Freeman_MPK> Anyone who's seen my work knows that the series I currently have going very nearly stole its title. :P
<Brandon_Rhea> You used Legends of the Jedi, right?
<MasterFred> How dare you share any similarites with this!
<Freeman_MPK> Brandon_Rhea: Yes, I did
<MasterFred> Uggh. Why doesn't Ataru ever get on?
<Brandon_Rhea> I had Shadows of the Jedi: The Legend of Ussej Padric Bac....close enough[.]


Jedi Legends Prologue received a 4.6 out of 5 rating on Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds Heaven, where it was released and is still hosted. The Wrath of the Sith and Jedi Legends Epilogue received a 5.0.

Story/Instructions: 5 [...] The story is veerry nice.―qwen of SWGBH on Jedi Legends Prologue[src]

Well, to be fair, it didn't start getting really stupid until the second installment.

The story was amazing and could easily rival and beat any of the recent Star Wars movies. Okay, so almost everything could beat those, but, well, don't take my word for it, experience the adventure for yourself.―Imperial Force of SWGBH on Jedi Legends II[src]

Jeepers, did we watch the same movies? I mean, I know people's tastes are different and all that, but I'd rather watch Attack of the Clones twice than play this entire campaign and put up with its depth-less cardboard characters and its stupid, implausible, and anachronistic storyline and plot.

Story/Instructions: 4.9 [...] If anyone thinks there is a problem with the story here, I will tell them to go away and learn to read. Man, the story just flowed perfectly and I loved how the biographies of people went into your instruction screen.―Xcaliber of SWGBH on Jedi Legends Epilogue[src]


I should go away and learn to read? Seriously, man, fuck you. Fuck you right in your face and your mom and your mom's face. This campaign's story is so fucking insulting that I almost wish I couldn't read so I would still have the brains cells that it cost to endure it. Go soak your head. -MPK, Free Man 03:49, July 22, 2011 (UTC)

External Links

Incidentally, no, the designer did not even understand basic story naming structure. You don't go from Prologue to Part 2 to Epilogue, brainiac.

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