Brandon Rhea: “That's stupid”
―Brandon and Solus, IRC Conversation on January 23, 2009[src]
Solus: “That's FANON”
Nerd rage, thy name is Freeman_MPK.
NOTE: It is categorically imperative that the reader understands that everything on this subpage was written a long time ago, and as such does not necessarily represent my present state of mind and opinions, nor my Perfect, True, Great, Grand Vision of How Star Wars Actually Ought To Be. -MPK, Free Man 22:02, December 16, 2015 (UTC)
From the Original Introduction
In this section, you will find essays and other works written by me in regards to fanon. Some of them are reviews of articles or stories found here at the Star Wars Fanon Wiki, but a few subjects are from even more wretched hives of depravity; and other writings are just essays.
Second Introductory Note, July 27th, 2015
For those who may not actually have the time to read this whole page, here's some CliffNotes:
- Nathaniel Kenobi Solo Clan Fett is stupid, and his name is sufficient proof of this.
- Swerto Dragonouve the Dark Shadow Sith TIE Pilot is stupid, and Star Wars Galaxies was not nearly as fun as we think it was.
- Darth Tyler the Battle Droid who became a Sith Lord is a bad joke, and his author still should be ashamed of himself, and the same goes for Troyyb or whatever that Nemoidian dude is called.
- Unit 8311 the Super Battle Droid who became a gangsta droid crime lord is also stupid.
- Jerun Othorne the Jedi who went around smoking blue stuff is stupid.
- Ichi Go the apparent immigrant to Star Wars from some anime is stupid, and I'm still ashamed of myself for reading his entire biography section.
- Prophet, Thing of Evil was written by a mentally disturbed hack who needs some time in solitary confinement.
- Some other stuff even I don't care to summarize.
- Some really picky rules for fanon writing that might or might not still be valid (the 28th definitely is, though).
- I'm not doing any more damn dramatic readings.
Nathaniel Kenobi Solo
The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting 'Heil, Spode!' and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: 'Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?'
—Bertram Wooster, from The Code of the Woosters
The story of Nathaniel Kenobi Solo, made by NKSCF. It's about a superdy duperdy powerful good guy. Surprisingly enough, though, at one point in the story Nathan can't figure out a language during one of his many adventures, despite the fact that he seems perfect at almost everything else. The article is also slanted to Nathan's point of view, which is never a good thing unless it's a fan fic.
This Nathaniel Kenobi Solo (I'm just going to call him Nathan from now on) strikes me as something of an arrogant bag of hot air, personality-wise. Always cracking jokes at the bad guys (such as "Darth Mutatos"), and doesn't get his butt whooped like he deserves. He makes his own rules, and he's a hypocrite. He can do insanely evil things, like forcing his own father to live forever in pain and torment by cutting him off from the force (see the section entitled "Contradictions Are My Specialty" in his article) but still think of himself on the side of justice. Normally, that's not a problem, as many villains have some sort of justification as to why they do evil things.
But Nathan going around using tons of dark side powers and doing stuff like what I've described above, and on top of believing himself to be good, is seen as a good person by everyone else on the good side! However, since Nathan is so superdy-light side, he forgives his father and SHA-ZAM, his punishment is just gone. Naturally, Nathan is also an excellent duelist, and is skilled with all forms of lightsaber combat, and freaking incredible with the force as well! Did I mention that he is also wrote a holonovel about his view on the force?
He also seems to know tons of crazy **** which he should have no way of knowing. For example, he confronts a Sith Lord who has some of his friends in captivity, and threatens to torture/kill/ect them unless he answers a bunch of questions about the history of the Sith. Not surprisingly, Nathan gets them all right. In one question, he is asked to name several specified Sith Lords in the correct order of when they were Dark Lords of the Sith. Several of them were around thousands of years before Nathan was born. Apparently, though, extensive histories of an ancient organization of Dark-Side users were kept in holobooks for millennia, and preserved, and also easy for someone to get their hands on, because Nathan says that he just read them in a holobook at an unspecified time in the past.
On top of that, why is the Sith Lord that Nathan is confronting even bothering with these questions? It's not even a Sith-like thing to do. Even Darth Sidious, who was crafty and clever, would have just engaged him directly in a battle. Nathan is also apparently an expert ladies-man. He manages to woo a Zeltron chick named Astram Karr easier and faster than James Bond would have, which I never knew was possible. Why do all the Jedi in these stories get girlfriends?
Finally, we get to his nemesis, Darth Aemulus. The equally superdy-duperdy eeeevil Dark Lord of the Sith! He's the only one to ever truly challenge the Avenger of the Jedi. Not surprisingly, this Darth Aemulus fellow seems totally devoid of a personality, which seems to fit with the fact that Darth Bandon's picture is used for him. It also is somewhat comical that Aemulus is really as much of an opposite of Nathan as you can possibly get; Nathan is a good guy who has everything in his personality, every conceivable accomplishment behind him, while Darth Aemulus is a bad guy who has nadda.
Eventually, Nathan finally engages in an epic duel to the end with Darth Aemulus on Dagobah. Here, at the end, Nathan does a rip-off of the thing Luke does in Episode 6; he doesn't attack, he tries to convince his opponent to join the light side. At this point, and this truly did not surprise me, Darth Aemulus impales Nathan with his lightsabers, and then is suddenly touched by how Nathan died trying to turn him back to the light. As a result, he does so. Naturally, of course, it's not a sad ending for Nathan, because, like all of his buddies, he somehow knows the force ghost technique. So they share a cheesy joke in the afterlife, and that is the end.
That is why NKSCF was for quite some time the most overrated user of this wiki. His work is clichéd, even for Star Wars. It's about a great hero who rises up and destroy the super-evil bad guys, again and again and again, until his not-so-surprising sacrifice.
Swerto Dragonouve (circa 2007)
My life is constant proof that the ends justify the means, I do a lot of questionable things but at the end of the day more people are alive than dead because of me.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Another good example of total lack of imagination is Swerto Dragonouve, who is about as badly clichéd as Nathaniel. This Swerto dude is basically the "good bad guy", who fights for the bad guys and believe he's on the side of justice, yadda yadda yadda. Of course, he was also present for at least three major events of the movies (the Battles at Yavin IV, Hoth, and Endor). And apparently, his TIE Fighter, when the Death Star was destroyed, was "pushed away" by the explosion. This is nuts. If his ship was close enough to be affected by the explosion, then it would just be incinerated.
During his days spent in the Empire, he was for some reason a TIE pilot and a ground soldier, which doesn't really make much sense. On a flight mission to Kashyyyk for some reason or another, he is shot down by rebel pilots, which brings me to another question. Why does everyone always get shot down, instead of their ships being blown to smithereens? He is then captured by the Rebels, who somehow knew that he was a main character, and interrogated at a Rebel prison. I'm not totally sure, but this is the first time I've ever heard of a prison that is owned, operated, and kept hidden by a small organization of terrorists. Of course, through an unexplained set of circumstances, Swerto escaped.
But apparently all this stuff wasn't uncreative enough, so the author decided to make him force-sensitive. I've never heard of that before. But even the way he discovers his sensitivity is kind of weird. He finds a holocron sitting around in his house. He probably pulled it out of his junk drawer. Anyway, he learns of his force potential via a message from his mother in the holocron. But how did he activate it without using the force? Come to think of it, I suppose it's plausible that the holocron could have been (and probably was) a Data holocron, which one doesn't need the force to activate, but the author could have easily stated that that was what it was instead of leaving the reader to figure it out for himself/herself. After that, some Dark Jedi dude takes him to Mustafar for force training, because there's no place in the freaking galaxy where this Swerto guy can go that isn't seen in the movies.
During training on Mustafar, some woman named Livevi Trace who he had known earlier (and not surpisingly, had fallen in love with) with approaches him, but hell if I know how she tracked him there. She tries to make him turn from the dark path, blah blah blah, and is shortly after killed by an assassin, who was apparently hired by the Dark Jedi (known as "Barok") who was training Swerto. How Barok not only knew that Livevi was coming, but also prepared an assassin and got him onto Mustafar without Swerto knowing, I haven't a clue. I suppose he could have landed a separate ship a good distance away, but the author didn't and doesn't clarify anything like this at any point in the article. The article is not written in much of an encyclopedic style, which causes almost every event to be unexpected for no good reason. And what kind of idiot assassin snipes the unarmed woman instead of the guy who can actually fight? Apparently Barok decided to hire some thug who knew how to pull a trigger but was otherwise as dumb as a rock. On the other hand, of course, being evil and all, it doesn't make much sense why Barok would care about his lowly underlings.
Anyway, Swerto kills the assassin, and goes back to where Livevi's corpse was, to find only her cloak lying there. What the heck is that? Is that supposed to imply that she learned the Force Ghost technique? Seriously? Was she force-sensitive? Was she actually a Jedi? Was her corpse taken away by an unknown entity for an unknown reason? Did he know the technique through some unexplained circumstances? None of these questions are answered. I don't think I need to explain the ridiculousness of some random dancer knowing an ancient Jedi power, but the very least the author could do is FREAKING EXPLAIN WHY SHE DISSAPEARED!!! Now, I can guess that it means she became a force ghost, but why wasn't that explained?? Even a bad explanation is better than none at all.
Afterward, Swerto returns to fighting in the Galactic Civil War, training himself in the force as he went on. During this time, he gets an Eta-2 Actis-class light interceptor (the Jedi fighter seen in Episode 3, for those unfamiliar). Now, this is just lame. Why does there need to be an abundance of Prequel-era technology in so many authors' fanon? This is not the first time I've seen stuff like this. The Eta-2 would be outdated for years. Now, I know what you're thinking. "He heavily modified and upgraded it!!". Of course he upgraded it. He's the main character. He's a master ship mechanic. I'll believe that when dewbacks fly.
This guy may be a good fighter, pilot and a Dark Jedi, but there's no way he could also be a mechanic, let alone one good enough to upgrade such an old ship to the point of it being able to even stand a change against modern ships. And even if he was, why would he go to all that trouble instead of just getting a perfectly good ship that doesn't require extensive refitting? Like a TIE Avenger, or a TIE Defender? Even such a vessel being used by Rebels this late in the Galactic Civil War doesn't sound likely to me.
On his assorted adventures, Swerto also gets the stupid "Lava Lightsaber" crystal and the "Bane's Heart" crystal, and puts them in separate lightsabers. This is basically the author saying "Look at me! I completed a bunch of [stupid] quests in Star Wars Galaxies!". The article doesn't even put any story behind how he got these artifacts. It just says that he got them.
Eventually, Swerto is forced to resign from his position due to failing some test given to him by an Imperial officer named Ramd Ketten, who takes his position. He was then arrested for being a Jedi (which he wasn't) and sent to the Lusankya, an Imperial prison somewhere. He is then visited by Palpatine, because EVERY main character in these fanon stories meets the Emperor. Palpy then tells Swerto to work for him or die, which Swerto accepts. Now, why the heck did they bother arresting him in the first place? Why couldn't they put a sticky note at the door of his house saying something like "Palpatine requests your help against the Rebellion" or something?
Since this character is based off of the author's experiences in Star Wars: Galaxies, it's not surprising that the Battle of Restuss on Rori is in here as well. The article states that Swerto joins "Obsidian Dagger Squadron" (which is apparently a highly respectable fighter squadron in the Empire), and then gives a long, drawn-out jumble of information about stuff that Swerto did at Restuss. Eventually, he meets one of the Emperor's hands, named Aralina Silk (who is a canon character that appeared in SWG's Restuss event). Aralina decides that since Swerto has a lightsaber that he is a Jedi (which he isn't) and tries to kill him, even though he's fighting against the Rebels. He then wastes her in a fight. Now, if he wasn't an enemy of the Empire before, he sure as hell was then. He just killed a fricking Emperor's Hand! The stormtroopers should have gunned him down right then and there!! But no, they simply ignore the sudden murder of an Imperial Agent by another Imperial Agent and let him leave without so much as a demand for an explanation.
Afterward, Swerto leaves for a city on Naboo called "Imperia" (REAL original name there, pal), which houses the headquarters for Obsidian Dagger Squadron (I'm pretty sure the fighter divisions of the Empire are just designated by numbers, but I suppose elite groups could get actual names). Once he arrives on Naboo, he goes to Imperia on his BARC Speeder (Another unneeded and outdated piece of Prequel-era technology). At this point, the article isn't very clear due to grammar mistakes and lack of clarification, but I'm pretty sure that he gets kicked out of ODS.
He then goes to Lok to formally join some organization called "DARK". I have no idea what "DARK" is, because it's not really explained previously in the article. I'm just going have to assume that it's an Imperial Intelligence Organization. Or a group of Dark Jedi. Or some fricking thing. Anyway, once in DARK, he helps them against the Rebels for a while, etcetera. During this time he is informed that a squadmate friend of his was killed on a mission or something. It is worth noting that his friend who was named Edrystirfod (good luck learning how the hell to pronounce that) was only mentioned once earlier in the article and had no back-story whatsoever.
Swerto attends the funeral, which from the description seems rather over-the-top, especially for an Imperial funeral, but whatever. Following this, Swerto gets two of his dead friend's ships, a Decimator (an Imperial ship from SWG with a bunch of turrets and interior space) and a YT-2400, because if a cool character from canon has a ship, then Swerto has to have one ship of that class also. After a vacation, Swerto resigns from DARK (this guy resigns from organizations and positions more often than Jedi lose their lightsabers) when he is contacted by a member of another secret organization. Under their orders, he becomes a double-agent in the Rebellion via an "old friend" named Adot Koira, another character who was barely mentioned at all. He was eventually discovered by the Rebels, and was forced to leave.
After returning to regular duty in the Empire, and eventually the dark side strengthens its grip on him. He was then sent to assist the 501st Legion in the Battle of Hoth. At Hoth, he was ordered to pilot an AT-AT, because he was a good starfighter pilot, and therefore knew a lot about the controls of a vehicle he had never been inside in his life. Eventually, he parks his AT-AT right in front of the Echo Base hangar, and then jumps out to join the fight against the Rebel troops. Since when are pilots of heavy assault vehicles just allowed to abandon their posts whenever they feel like it? As if the fact that he was at the Battle of Hoth wasn't enough, he has to go into the same hangar as the Millenium Falcon. Why does he have to go wherever the movies go? To conclude the tie-ins to Hoth, he was the one who helped the 501st set the bombardment beacon on a Rebel Transport in Star Wars: Battlefront II! Just give it a rest!
After Hoth, Swerto goes to Endor for a vacation, because a forest planet potentially filled with dangerous predators is a good place to relax. He then apparently participated a bit in the Battle of Endor in his Decimator, but mostly just watched the fight from afar. The ironic thing is that if he joined the battle, the Rebels obviously would have lost, since judging from his previous accomplishments, Swerto would be fricking invincible. Instead, however, Swerto's ship is shot down and he crash-lands on Endor, with (to no one's surprise) everyone else in his crew having died. He is then basically stranded there for a while, but then steals an X-Wing from the Rebel camp and leaves.
After learning about the Empire's fragmentation, he decides to resign from the Empire until there actually is a single Empire, which seems rather wussy, considering everything he'd done up to that point. I'm surprised he didn't try to set himself up as Emperor. Later on, he joins the forces commanded by Thrawn, and participates in the Battle of Bilbringi where Thrawn was killed, flying his Eta-2 Interceptor in the fleet battle (did I mention that he gives corny names to each of his ships?). Again the author insists on putting him in every conceivable major event of the Galactic Civil War.
The article then reveals that prior to this, he had joined the "Dark Shadow Sith" (seriously, Dark Shadow Sith? Sounds dark and shadowy!), which is basically a group of Dark Jedi who manipulate the galaxy for whatever their agenda is. Swerto is apparently annoyed by the fact that they call themselves Sith, since he "served a true one in the past" (presumably Palpatine). This makes no sense. How does Swerto even know of the Sith's existence, and how did he know that Palpatine was one? It's not exactly common knowledge.
Once he climbs to a significant rank in the "Dark Shadow Sith", Swerto meets some other Dark Jedi in the order named "Kenya". He starts training her on Korriban for a while. He also starts reconstructing a Star Destroyer that he found destroyed somewhere. How he got a hold of a shipyard and the necessary resources to do this, I have no idea. He also renamed this ship to the "Vleaski Doethu". Good luck referring to that in regular conversations.
Swerto then decides to meet with the "Dark Shadow Sith's" 12-member council, and proceeds to kill all of the members with ease. How does this guy get so powerful? There's TWELVE OF THEM!!! I cannot freaking believe that this article got featured. Anyway, Swerto takes over and renames the organization to "The Dark Order" (even less original than "Dark Shadow Sith").
It goes on for a while after that, but you get the idea.
I don't think I explained myself properly. Let me try that again. What the freaking hell?
Where to begin? That is the question.
I click the link Darth Tyler, suspecting from the unusual name that it may be a joke article. To my bewilderment, I see a not overly convincing image of a battle droid with a cape and a lightsaber. No sooner do I read the very first sentence.....
Darth Tyler, previously known as T-1LR, was a force-sensitive Sith B-1 battle droid serving in the Trade Federation Droid Army, the Confederacy of Independent Systems, Galactic Droid Empire, and the New Confederacy of Independent Systems.
—Darth Tyler article, first sentence
.....that I find myself seriously reluctant to go on. Force-sensitive battle droid? I don't know about you, author (I call him author so you can tell the difference between him and his creation. I dislike it when people name characters after themselves), but I stopped fantasizing about Battle Droid Jedis shortly after I stopped making lego sets (and that was a while ago). It was also around the same time that not every fanon storyline or idea that ever came into my head had a clone of a main villan in it. Anyway, this Jedi Droid business will surely have an explanation earlier.
Let's look at the rest of that sentence. He just rattled off four Galactic Powers. "Darth" Tyler sure gets around. I'd go on a rant about this, but it's better suited when I actually get to that point in the article. In order to organize this review properly, and to also prevent from spoiling it for me, I skip the rest of the introduction and head down into the depths of this article.
Ok. "He" (because it's annoying to type "it" so much) starts out in the invasion of Naboo. Similar to Swerto Dragowhateverhisnameis, the author decided to have Tyler majorly involved in a major event (usually this formula requires it to be a movie event, but there are exceptions). In this case, the Invasion of Naboo. But before we go there, let's look at his origin. Tyler was apparently T-1LR (I'm pretty sure they don't use that scheme for designating their battle droids, but that's getting a little picky even for me), a B1 Battle droid manufactured on a "secret Trade Federation base on Eos" (I didn't know the Federation was in the habit of having secret bases, what with it being a company that happens to own a private fleet and army. However, I'm told that they did have a secret base on Eos after all in one of the games. thanks to User:Atarumaster88 for bringing this to my attention). He was then apparently the "prototype" of a line of force-sensitive battle droids (it is stated that this line was never finished, but there is no explanation). It goes on with this sufficiently memorable sentence:
During his creation, he was fitted with a secret old Sith crystal on instructions from Darth Sidious as part of an experiment, the purpose of which was never quite made clear.
—Darth Tyler article, Invasion of Naboo section, Paragraph One
Very clever, author. A less alert reader would probably have never seen your plan here. The first step was throwing some mention of "an old Sith crystal" in order to "explain" the force sensitivity. Then, you state that it was the idea of Darth Sidious in order to make it sound better, or more mysterious, or whatever. Finally, you say that the reason for this whole experiment is never revealed.
Conclusion: The author couldn't think of an actual explanation, so he decided to throw two red herrings into the pond of his fanon, the first herring being the Sith crystal, and the other being the mention of Sidious. These fishy (couldn't resist) plot devices are designed to distract the reader from the real questions. For example:
(Note: Force sensitive droids are impossible in Star Wars, and even if they are possible, then it's stupid as hell. However, for the rest of the review I will try to ignore this entanglement.)
1. Why did the Trade Federation ever begin this project? They're a business, not some kind of evil scheming empire. Sure, the Nemodians were greedy jerks, but they're still running a business! They have no motive, means, or reason to even conceive of this project, let alone actually begin. This is where the mention of Sidious comes in. If the author use says that Sidious wanted it for unknown reasons, that's supposed to make the reader forget the pointlessness of the whole idea.
2. Aren't "old Sith crystals" in kind of short supply, thereby making the manufacture of several [or even a single] droid of this type somewhat difficult? Author's Solution: Sidious magically pulled a Sith crystal out of thin air because he's Sidious!
3. What possible use could the Trade Federation, or anyone for that matter have for force-sensitive battle droids? Author's Solution: You're not supposed to think about that.
The Darth Tyler article was later edited to address some points of this review less than an hour after I wrote it. The addressor (is that a word?), User:Unit 8311, made the following changes. Because any changes to the subject article could potentially make a review inaccurate, I will give my analysis accordingly.
Change 1: "He was the prototype of a line of force-sensitive battle droids, designed to be a new generation of superior battle droids". I don't see how this gives any new information. It was obvious that more effective battle droids would be desirable, but the reason for making force-wielding droids is the thing that eludes me.
Change 2: "he was fitted with a secret old synthetically created Sith crystal". The change is that it's "synthetically created". First of all, the entire Sith crystal thing itself doesn't make sense. The wookiepedia link to "sith crystal" indicates that they are lightsaber crystals. What do lightsaber crystals have to do with force-sensitivity? Sure, they were modified using the dark side, but they were modified for lightsaber use. I can only assume that the author was thinking of some other kind of crystal which has little resemblance to the one linked to at Wookiepedia. Either way, the role that these crystals had and exactly how they were created is not explained.
Change 3: "on instructions from Darth Sidious as part of an experiment, the purpose of which was never made entirely clear, although from all available evidence it seemed that Sidious was toying with the idea of creating some sort of droid elite for himself". This also provides almost no information. All it explains is essentially that Darth Sidious ordered them made because he wanted them to be used. What is that supposed to explain?
A mere hour later, 8311 changed the article again. As with before, I am forced to modify my review accordingly.
Changes 1 & 2: "be a new generation of superior battle droids and a cheap counter to Jedi, although this line was never finished"; "creating some sort of cheaply obtainable anti-Jedi weapon". The Trade Federation had no reason to create anti-Jedi units. The droid army were designed for protection of their trade vessels and other activities, not for fighting Jedi. As evidenced by dialouge between Nute Gunray and his assistant in TPM, the Nemodians did not expect or intend to engage Jedi under any circumstances.
Mere moments after my last update, 83 once again edited the article. I here enclose the change with my analysis:
"he was fitted with a secret old synthetically created crystal of Sith origin (that was created with arcane Sith alchemy)". I suspect that 8311 doesn't even know what Sith alchemy is, and threw that term in there in the hopes that I wouldn't research the topic. As it turns out, Sith alchemy is the "science" (so to speak) of using the Dark Side to mutate life forms. This has nothing to do with crystals.
Again, he changed it moments later. This time, it's Sith "chemistry", which is something he just made up.
Anyway, moving right along, Tyler was a security droid who was transferred down to Naboo for the invasion and what-not. Because he has to have a bunch of stuff to do with the battle(s), he captures the queen. He's also the droid told to take the prisoners to camp four, so that the author can say that his character appeared in the movie.
Later, he all of a sudden appears to be piloting an MTT on the battle of grassy plains. Shortly after, he hops into an AAT, because B1 droids are multi-purpose. There's no such thing as "pilot droids" or anything like that, which are programmed for piloting vehicles. Droids are free to jump in and out of random stations at will (although technically T-1LR doesn't have a will due to the Control Ship business). He's also the one who fired the shot that downed the gungan shield generator! Another "cameo" for the Jedi Droid.
Of course, we all know that all the droids were deactivated at the end, so how does T-1LR survive? Apparently, a laser bolt shoots off his antenna (must have been friendly fire, since gungans don't use blasters), which cuts him off from the Droid Control Ship's signal. Which means that he’s deactivated. Oh, wait. That would've made sense. At least the author acknowledges the absurdity of this by typing "To his surprise, he kept working", in yet another attempt to dodge the task of providing an explanation.
Moving along, T-1LR busts into a hangar and steals an N1 fighter (even though they were all launched and he's not programmed to pilot anything, let alone a non-Federation vehicle). He then takes it to a planet called Agon 9 (after going to Eos, where he finds a base there destroyed. what this has to do with anything else, I don't know), where he lives for a while. He eventually finds an ancient Sith Temple, because every planet has to have an ancient Sith\Jedi temple or enclave on it. The temple apparently also has information about Sith abilities, and presumably in Galactic Basic (Republic/Imperial trade language, AKA English), since there's no way T-1LR could decipher Sith hieroglyphics in any amount of time.
He then magically learns how to use the force (demonstrating with an experimental use of force push), and begins feeling emotions like anger, which is impossible because he's not programmed for that. He then figures out how to build a lightsaber.....
Do you see where this is going?
He takes his N1 which he can't pilot to Ilum to find a lightsaber crystal, even though he doesn't know anything about Ilum or its location. He then finds a red crystal for a lightsaber, goes back to Agon 9, and builds a saber using "spare parts". He then follows "the instructions", wherever those came from, and practiced until having "mastered" Soresu (third lightsaber form), since mastering a lightsaber form doesn't take years of experience, but rather just an expository sentence or two. To accomplish this, he builds training droids for lightsaber-to-blaster training, and presumably also masters deflection of laser fire as well (he better he REALLY good at deflecting lasers, because even a glancing hit would take him out for good). He then makes a hologram version of himself to practice saber-to-saber use, because it's really easy to make a hologram programmed to fight its creator. Apparently, the author also thinks that holograms can physically touch things like in Star Trek, which they can't.
Also, how can a B1 droid even use a lightsaber? All droids (and especially B1s) have movement limitations. Just look at the hands! They have three fingers, and they aren't very flexible. "Force-sensitive" or not, he can't just pick up and use a lightsaber just like that. Look at all the other displays of incompetence B1s have shown, too. B1s tend to fall apart after taking even the slightest damage. The idea that this joker could be able to even block lasers from a single opponent (never mind several opponents, or attacks from another saber-wielder) without extreme difficulty is just nutty (thanks to User:Squishy Vic for pointing this out).
He then flies to the Muunilinst system, where at the time there was a battle in the Clone Wars taking place. Deciding to help the CIS, he lands inside one of the Acclamator Assault Ships, which does not have anti-fighter weapons, tractor beams, or even a shield to keep intruders out of its hangars. He then fights his way to the bridge with ease and kills the bridge crew, followed by another group of clones who went to investigate, since Republic ships have absurdly bad security to the point that they don't send their entire crew of clone troopers, which is 16,000 strong, by the way, to overwhelm the droid with sheer force of numbers or situation-specific weaponry (ever hear of EMP Grenades? or explosives? or dozens of lasers heading toward different areas of a target at once? I suppose not). Apparently, there were no Jedi Generals commanding this ship, either.
Tyler then "uses the force" to pilot the Acclamator towards another one. This means that he either uses telekinesis to take over the controls which he knows nothing about, or he simply force-pushes the ship along, which would place him on the Secret Apprentice level of overpowered stupidity. Anyway, he then runs out to the hangar, apparently encountering no resistence that can even slow him down. Again, the security fails to notice that the ship may have changed course and takes no actions to get out of their collision course. The droid then steals a V-19 Torrent fighter and escapes.
Naturally, Count Dooku finds him after the battle and trains him further, making him a lesser-known Dark Acolyte (which seems odd, considering his accomplishments. He then goes on to fight in the Clone Wars. The article then "explains" a literally impossible victory that Tyler pulls off at Tanaab because he's also a brilliant tactical leader as well (I'll bet he can also make the galaxy's largest sandwiches, too). I'm not going to go any further into this absurdly stupid battle, so if you want to know about it, then you'll have to read it yourself.
Anyway, it then skips to after Count Dooku's death. Tyler apparently takes "a few" droids with him to Agon 9. They asked why they were there, and Tyler explains that he was resigning from the CIS. The droids, some of whom "learned individuality during the war" (which is impossible), decide to stay with the Jedi Droid, who takes on a new name.
Epic. Just epic.
He then immediately sets about getting a droid army (never heard of that before).
having learned of the universal control signal and the exposal of the secret base on Mustafar through the Force
—Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two
So this droid can just pull information out of thin air "through the force"? Sounds like a plot hole to me. By the way, the Mustafar base was destroyed after Vader's duel with Obi-Wan.
reprogrammed all the droids so that they depended on their own independent droid brain and not a signal.
—Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two
You can't just reprogram the droids so that they don't need a signal. That would require modification of each individual droid. And how the hell did he reprogram them anyway? Plot hole #2.
Darth Vader's attempt at deactivating all the droids did not fully work, and none of the droids were deactivated.
—Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two
Two birds with one stone: Make Vader and the Sith, who are the REAL villains instead of this Jedi Droid nonsense, look like morons, while at the same time allowing Tyler to get a droid army out of nowhere.
Darth Tyler decided to make a droid factory and made hundreds of thousands of battle droids, the new Super battle droids and droidekas, each depending on their own brain. They received personalities and became just like organics, except with faster reflexes and better aiming. He named his army the Galactic Droid Empire, with Darth Tyler as the first Emperor to reign.
—Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two
Following the tradition of EVERYTHING that the main character have be modified, upgraded, or something else done to it that makes it better than the original, not to mention the idea that he could actually possess the resources necessary to build and operate this presumably enormous factory without it even being noticed. He founds an all-droid faction (big surprise) and calls it the Galactic Droid Empire (real original name).
When he goes to Mustafar, it's apparent that the facility he goes to is actually the one from Star Wars: Battlefront II, where some Geonosian (Gizor Dellso) was trying to build his own private army of battle droids, and was also making schematics for some new kind of droid. Naturally, when Tyler finds the place, he steals the schematics for this new droid with ease, so that he has another ridiculous addition to his army.
There is then a short paragraph about some Verpine Jedi who escapes Order 66 and makes some army to fight against the Galactic Droid Empire (GDE), or some other nonsense like that. Tyler duels, and obviously kills the Jedi (if you want the details, then read the article yourself).
The author then goes on to explain some ludicrously easy victories against the Rebels and Imperials in the Galactic Civil War, along with some duels with Jedi. The idea that the remaining Droid Armies of the CIS would be able to seriously pose a threat to the empire, even after the droids' heavy losses in the Clone Wars coupled with their overall incompetence, is insane. Believe me. I have looked through every single battle that this author has made (there aren't many), and only once has Darth Tyler lost a battle. Only ONCE (thanks to User:Unit 8311, who notified me of the exception).
It goes on for a while, until Tyler comes across and tries to occupy a planet which Troyb, a Nemodian rip-off character who leads another rip-off CIS government, is also trying to take. This interaction was caused by Darthtyler (the author) and Troyb (another author who names his character after himself), who decided that since they both have CIS rip-off factions who never lose battles, they should collaborate. So they have a pitched battle on this planet which ends in a draw with both sides taking the exact same number of losses (because it would be sooooo unfair to make the other guy lose a battle).
Following the battle, Tyler and Troyb join forces and combine their governments. After this, they resume their over-wanked path of literally unstoppable destruction, because nobody can stand a chance against an army of cheaply produced droids lead by a businessman and a B1 Battle droid. If you think I exaggerate, read the following quote:
As Tyler and Troyb conquered every world known
—Darth Tyler article, New Confederacy of Independent Systems section, Paragraph Three
As if they weren't ridiculous enough, Tyler’s forces come across a Vong Worldship. They then "disable it". Seriously? It's a f***ing WORLDSHIP. These things blow up entire FLEETS. If this author knew ANYthing about how overpowered the Vong are against technology, he would know that Tyler wouldn't stand a damn chance. Of course, the great Darth Tyler is as always invincible. I wonder if he's ever had a battle where Tyler takes heavy losses (not that he'd LOSE. that's certainly unthinkable!).
More nonsense follows. Tyler and Troyb escape an assassination attempt, killing everyone involved. They even survive into the Legacy era with the New Sith Empire, building a second Star Forge. What the hell? How did he get the resources to build a Star Forge? How did he get the plans? How did he even know of its existence in the first place!??! HOW, I SAY! HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!?!?!?
The article finally ends its biography section with another [unsurprisingly] short paragraph, explaining that after Troyb died of old age (I'm surprised that Troyb [the author] would stand for the idea that his character would die someday), Tyler ruled the galaxy for thousands of years. This sentence almost made me cry. Such an enormous effort put into such a ridiculous, attention-grabbing load of absurdity.
Lastly, I will give my personal interpretation of a quote from the "Behind the Scenes" section.
Many users on Star Wars Fanon dismiss this article as unreal, as they believe that droids cannot become force-sensitive. However, the author of this article says anything can happen.
—Darth Tyler article, Behind the Scenes section, bullet two
Translation: The author does not like to follow a basic set of rules.
Jerun Othorne: “They say only a Sith deals in absolutes but if I walked around with Sulfuric eyes and a red lightsaber, i'd absolutely have to be a Sith.”
―I do indeed talk to things as I read them
MPK: “Well, what the fuck else would you be?”
Next up: Jerun Othorne. Born 30 BBY to two biologists on Ossus. Less than a paragraph into the article's introduction, it mentions that his mother realized his force sensitivity when she saw him floating in his sleep. What? Yeah, sure pal. That's how force-sensitivity works. If you're sensitive, then you randomly use powers without any sort of training whatsoever.
Next paragraph, it mentions that at age five this Jerun fellow was inaugurated into his youngling class and began to train in "the more advanced and subtle arts of the Force", as if that's what younglings need training in, rather than all the nonsense like learning how to not accidentally kill yourself when trying to use your lightsaber. With the rest of the paragraph, it become evident that he was something of a scholar bloke who hung out at the Jedi library a lot. years later, he comes under "the watchful" of one Tereil Protheras, who is "the most skilled Jedi of his generation but also the wisest and by far the most powerful Jedi Knight in the Order abroad". Oh, that's original. I wonder if Yoda has anything to say about that.
Unfortunately, this Tereil guy doesn't seem to have an article of his own, so hell if I know what he is except for a Jedi. It doesn't say if he's a master or what. It is implied, however, since it's said that he unofficially trains the young Jerun (who by the way is actually named Thaddik Jesevas; I don't know why he has two names or why the author decided to confuse the reader like that). However, it is basically said that Tereil is a master when he takes Jerun as a Padawan at age 13. They then fight in the Clone Wars, get some kind of special force bond, and Jerun becomes a great pilot and even greater warrior. Just like everybody else.
Before you start to think that this character is just a standard show of unimagination, then finish the article. He fights in the Battle of Utapau ("my character fought where the movie characters fought!"). "After" that,[ even though the Battle of Utapau didn't end until after Order 66 was given,] Jerun travels to Felucia and saves the two Jedi Barriss Offee and Aayla Secura from Order 66 by warning them about it. How in bloody hell he figured out about Order 66 is a mystery. Together, they then travel to Cophrigin 5, some obscure planet, where they plan to save Tereil Prostheras and another canon Jedi named An'ya Kuro. Kuro is better known as "the Dark Woman", who is supposed to be killed there by Darth Vader. The odd thing about her being saved by Jerun there is that I'm pretty sure she wasn't there the whole time of the Clone Wars; that's just where she Exiled herself.
When they arrive at this planet, they kind the two Jedi being attacked by Darth Vader and Darth f***ing Maul. Yes, you read that right. Darth Maul "faked his death". First of all at this point in time Darth Vader isn't even in the suit, so how could he go to this planet to fight these Jedi? He should be on Coruscant attacking the Jedi Temple! As for the Darth Maul thing... well, to be frank, if I have to explain what's wrong with that to you, then you need to get some help (so much for the Rule of Two).
The Jedi then go medieval on Vader, cutting off his legs and one of his arms with ease. Needless to say, this is Bols***. Vader is shown to be capable of nearly defeating eight Jedi Masters at the Conclave on Kessel by himself, and he gets his ass kicked by a mere two Masters, one Knight, and a Padawan even with backup from Darth Maul? Darth Maul then pulls Vader to safety and the two "escape". You may think that this part at least shows that the author isn't totally shameless, the reasoning being that If he wasn't, then Maul and Vader would both be dead. But that's wrong; he just wants to drive home the idea that they could've won easily.
The group then goes to Dagobah (gotta go to every movie location sooner or later, right?), where Barris and Jerun are Knighted by Yoda, even though they had no way of knowing where Dagobah is, where Yoda was, or whether or not he was even alive. Yoda then tells them to go to Tatooine at a certain point in time to train Luke. It also states that Obi-Wan was killed by Darth Vader on Mustafar, which I suppose is better than simply having them tag along with the movie cast. At least the author is deliberately diverging from established canon rather than piling more stuff on top of it (but don't get your hopes up on this article).
Afterward, the Dark Woman stays to train with Yoda on Dagobah. Offee goes to Mirial (her home planet) to train "an army of Jedi" to fight the Empire. You've got to be kidding me. There's no way in hell one Jedi can train "an army". It takes decades to train ONE Jedi.
I guess Master Offee is a multi-tasker.
Another problem with this future Jedi Army deal is the fact that there's no way that this army, assuming it was possible for such an army to be created, could evade detection of the Empire for long. Surely one of the Emperor's Hands, or Inquisitors, or somebody would find them. That's what they're for: finding Jedi.
Anyway, Master Tereil then goes to the Unknown Regions to "learn among the [nonexistent] foreign force-users". He'll then become a smuggler mechanic rebel helper or some shit. Whatever.
In 2 BBY the personal ship ("Blue Justice") of Thaddik (AKA, Jerun) recieves a message from Barriss Offee and her resistance asking that he join the newly formed Rebel Alliance.
- Problem 1: How do any of them know about the Rebel Alliance?
- Problem 2: "Blue Justice"? You've got to be kidding me.
- Problem 3: I can guess how many Jedi Barriss trained in this time! Two! No, wait... THREE!
- Problem 4: "Blue Justice"?
Needless to say, Jerun becomes a General in the Alliance. In the same year they go to Luke on Tatooine (who is 17 at this point). They tell him about Vader his father, the Jedi, life, the universe, and everything,. yadda yadda yadda. Also, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are killed by the Empire during this, even though they had no actual reason to do so. Anyways, this convinces Luke to come with them to Hoth to train in the force, because WE HAVE TO GO TO ALL THE MOVIE PLANETS.
One day when helping some fellow rebels escape from Corellia (man, time flies!), the gang is captured by Imperials (it doesn't say exactly who is present at this occasion, but whatever). The article then explains that Han Solo (movie character tie-ins are also a must-have for unimaginative writers) breaks them out of the Imperial prison. I guess only the Lord on high knows how or why Han busted them out. Anyway, Han joins the Rebellion after this.
On another mission, they're captured by the Death Star and interrogated by Maul, who is "Vader's Apprentice" (talk about pissing on the Rule of Two without even thinking about it). At this point, "Leia Organa and a Rebel strike team rescued them from their holding cells".
- Problem A: What was Leia doing on the Death Star?
- Problem B: What was a Rebel Strike team doing on the Death Star?
- Problem C: Why did they break the gang out of the cells?
- Problem D: How did they even know that they were there?
Anyway, during the break-out they're attacked by Darth Vader, who kills Barriss Offee. Luke charges Vader, but Jerun holds him back, and they escape on the Millenium Falcon (wherever the hell that came from). Come to think of it, why did the heroes run away? With so many hero characters in one place and Vader alone, they should be able to wipe the floor with him (if the previous engagement is any indication of their strength). I guess it was to add "tension" to the "plot". Incidentally, where was Maul during all this? Taking a nap? And how did the heroes get away? It doesn't even mention deactivating tractor beams.
At this point, Luke goes to Dagobah to be trained under Yoda, and Jerun starts wandering around the Outer Rim (again). he meets some Pirate/Corporatio Leader guy named Osik De'Grear and convinces him to join the Rebellion. They eventually become pals. In a rather humerous move, De'Grear is protrayed by one of the most ridiculous-looking anime characters I've ever had the misfortune to see, which basically destroys any chance of taking this character seriously.
Note that the state of the Galactic Civil War is never mentioned.
Later (and I mean MUCH later because as mentioned earlier, time flies and main characters never age), Osik, Jerun, and Jacen Solo are captured and tortured by the Vong. Thaddick (Jerun) is tortured "to the edge of insanity, and it is said that he lost his sanity and went insane". It then says some gobbledegook about the pain awakening an evil self (or whatever), and he changes his name to Jerun Othorne "because he's too dark to keep his old name".
Evidently he does some evil things, because in the first sentence of the next paragraph he changes his name to Darth Rayze and becomes a Sith.
He becomes a Sith. Who saw that coming?
It then goes on for a while after that, saying he kicked some ass in the post-NJO era into the Legacy series, but whatever. I'm sorry, but I can't make myself read this any further. One more funny thing here is that the table of contents for the body of the article are after all this stuff, meaning I just read the introduction. Humerously, the body of the article is not nearly as long as the intro and doesn't go as far in time.
That's the longest introduction I've ever seen. Now I want my 30 minutes back.
The Destruction of Ichi Go: A tragedy by NKSCF, according to MPK, with a title supplied by Atarumaster88
I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind.
What's there to say about this man... No, this immortal? He's stubborn, strong-willed, is ripped from some anime/manga series that I've never heard of before, and refuses to listen to anyone's opinion but his own. The kind of man who outlives his own years and holds the power to defy all logic. Ichi Go embodies what it is to be a disaster and I am proud to know that I helped to expose him for what he is today.
Like his peers, however, Ichi lives on. The call of Ichi Go stretches to the ends of the cosmos, and stands a good chance of outliving the universe. He is larger than life; No mortals can be compared to him, and even most other known immortals cannot. Nothing known to ordinary, sane mortals like you (or possibly me) could equal the trainwreck that is Ichi Go. He puts the Queen of the Sea incident to shame. Not even the figures from American popular culture can match the awful power of Ichi Go. Even more horrifying, Ichi may not be the only of his kind.
Out there, somewhere, sometime, there may be more of them... And Ichi Go may in fact be among the lesser of their kind. Somewhere across the reaches of infinity, through seas of dark stars, rivers of whispering black shadow from the ancient past of existence itself. Evil history we had not only long forgotten, but never learned in the first place. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity; and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
The chronicle of the fall and destruction of Ichi Go is a long one, and not one for the faint of heart.
Part I: Loyalty
3. Every image in this article is too damned small. I can barely see them and they fail to break up the text.
- "Luckily for the two young children, an elderly Ho'Din named Plett had come to buy them before that could happen. In actuality, Plett had gone to Nar Shaddaa because he had felt a disturbance in the Force and had received a vision that he needed to save the lives of two small children. He quickly bought the two and left Nar Shaddaa for his home" - Atton Rand once said something that I think applies to this situation here: "Well, if we're going to search a moon of a few billion inhabitants, [we] might as well starts as soon as possible." How could he possibly have found them in time on a planet as heavily populated as Nar Shaddaa?
- "Sos-uke Aizen" appears to be a redlink.
"But before that could happen, the clonetroopers of Novus Kamino Prime had come to reinforce the Jedi and the Dark Acolytes were forced to flee." - What clone troopers? This would benefit from some additional context.
- "however, wouldn't listen to reason" - Point of view.
"Liking the idea of being stronger, Ichi decided to listen to Renton's advice and remained on Novus Kamino Prime for five more years. After that, he and Renton stowed away on a cargo vessel and" - Why did they need to stowaway to get off the planet?
- "went to Kelakus, because they had heard that Sos-uke had been reassigned there to reinforce the Traitors' presence" - Where and how did they hear this?
"the two would begin a fight that would either doom or save them." - Whooo. Look, it's epic and suspenseful and shit, so we need to throw it in the reader's face whenever we can.
- "The first day that Ichi and Renton reached Kelakus, they almost instantly knew that the task they had set before them was impossible." - Whoops. Too bad they didn't think of that before going there. I get the feeling that Ichi is a few thousands tons of durasteel short of an ISD.
"Nat-ahn Mandrex's loyal troops roamed everywhere across the planet" - Everywhere? Damn, they must have some population issues on Kalakus. Why can't you just say the place had heavy security or whatever?
- "Kelakans had been pressed into slave labor and were making the Traitors' massive fleet against their will." - How massive is this fleet supposed to be? Do the "Traitors" (giant point of view red light) have decent industrial facilities? Slaves won't do any good if you don't have places for them to work.
"then the entire plan they had was fruitless, so they decided to liberate some slaves from right under their master's noses." - That might be a little difficult, since their loyal troops roamed everywhere across the planet, remember?
- "While Renton planned to distract the Ottiumigon guards, Ichi was to use his lightsaber to cut through the chains the slaves were held with." - You are giving a ridiculously low amount of context on this. Where the hell were they? The article just assumes that I already know where the prisoners in question were, how the two broke in, how the guards were distracted, how many guards there were, and Heaven On High knows what else. The list of what's wrong with these two paragraphs could go on and on and on.
"Take the vibroblade and use it well, Great One. Its name is Zangetsu, and it is yours to use as you please. It has been fitted with cortosis ore and is imbued with the Force, so that it will be useful when the time comes. Farewell, Great One, I hope that I have done my part well and that I will be humbly rewarded when that day comes. -The mysterious man" - Zangetsu? Why not just call this sword "Excalicliché" or something?
- "Without another word, Ichi's mysterious benefactor left him to free the slaves. He quickly mobilized them and provided armaments to help secure their escape." - Where did he get weapons to arm them with?
"He asked if any of them had experience in the military and one stepped forward. She announced herself as Can Cer and told him the location of a local resistance group they could join up with. Noting that Renton had finished his job as well, Ichi followed Can Cer to their new headquarters." - Wait a minute? What about the loyal Ottiumigon (stop making me spell ridiculous names) troops who roamed across everywhere across the planet?
- Ok, disregarding that joke, they still shouldn't have gotten away easily. The article implies that the planet has very heavy security, yet at the same time these two dudes instigate a prison riot and get away without so much as being caught on a news camera.
"For the next two years, the two Jedi and the Kelakans began a resistance that would cripple vital shipments, rescue countless slaves from death, and become a constant thorn in the side of Sos-uke's plans to annihilate them. Their guerrilla tactics were so effective, a large bounty was placed on their heads, but it was never claimed by anyone, as the residents of Kelakus were loyal to them." - I'm just going to say it how it is: Why the hell do people think that having superior numbers, training, and hardware is a disadvantage?
- "The warning was given to the true savior, whose real name was Nathaniel Kenobi Solo, and he planned a two-way attack to end the Traitors' hold over the Ottiumigos Centrality. First, a small clone fleet would head to Ottiumigos Prime, where they would engage the majority of Nat-ahn's forces, while the other, much larger fleet would attack Kelakus." - I thought Naht-An (or whatever the hell his name is) had a "massive" fleet. Do the Novus Kamino Prime people also have a massive fleet?
"Ichi and Renton prepared the way by transmitting a signal to all of the collars that the slaves kept on the planet had. It was a shutdown code that helped to free the remaining slaves and caused a full rebellion against the Traitors' rule." - What? Is this supposed to imply that Itchy and his friend freed most of the prisoners in their first operation? Why does the fact that they wear collars mean anything? Why do the collars receive signals? What the hell is this signal thing supposed to mean? Why are the slaves expected to be able to overpower the presumably armed troops that guard them?
- "The true prize during the battle was the appearance of Sos-uke, who challenged Ichi and Renton to a duel. The two were outclassed by the much more experience Sos-uke, but Ichi had something that would end the battle very quickly, that was, if he used it instead of his lightsaber." - I think I see where this is going.
"he drew out Zangetsu and swung at Sos-uke's lightsaber, and watched as it faded away, the victim of the cortosis ore." - Lame. Ok, granted, that is what cortosis does, but it was still lame for being the sword of the champion that gives them the advantage.
- "Stating that he didn't need his lightsaber to kill the two, Sos-uke began to fling Force lightning towards them. Ichi was able to dodge it, but Renton was hit in the chest by the majority of it." - I guess it's that easy to dodge lightning.
- "Realizing he was the only one who could stop Aizen from escaping, Ichi prepared to die." - What? Why? How?
"That was when one of the Traitors' Super-Acclamators came into the planet's atmosphere and went towards the two combatants, ablaze, the result of clone gunners finding their mark." - First of all, what the heck is a Super Acclamator? Second this isn't worded that well at all. I can barely figure out what it means. What-
- Wait a minute. A huge freaking capital ship is just about to crash into them?
"The derelict vessel came straight into the path of the duel" - ...crushing them into oblivion under countless thousands of tons?
- "and Ichi was forced to carry Renton's limp body away from the future crash site." - Woah. Ichi may not be smart, but he sure knows how to run.
"Knowing that there was nothing he could do for him, he ignored the dying man's pleas and went on to escape the coming destruction." - What a great, honorable Jedi. This wouldn't be much of a problem if not for the fact that the article tries to justify his actions by saying that there was nothing he could do for him.
- "Unknown to Ichi Go, a mysterious figure materialized before Aizen and offered him a second chance at life, if he would only join him. Aizen, seeing that this was his only way to survive, made a deal with the devil, and left with his mysterious benefactor, unscathed." - Oooh. How ominous. Oooh!
"He kept holding Renton's body, until the latter regained consciousness and could run." - So being struck with force Lightning to the point that you lose consciousness doesn't have any effects after you wake up, such as flesh burns or strength drainage?
- "Arriving just in time to watch the ending, Ichi was awed at the sheer power and ferocity Nathan showed in battle" - Why do all the characters like to kiss Nathan's arse so much?
"Nathan, enraged at the unnecessary addition to the battle, sent forth a bolt of energy that crippled Ichi and Renton's vision for a moment" - That's how Nathan thanks people for arriving to help him out? Man, what a jackass.
- "Nat-ahn Mandrex fall to the ground, devoid of any signs that he had ever lived." - This sentence should be longer; we need to say that he's dead in as many different ways as possible.
"The battle for control of Kelakus was gone" - Wait a minute. Why does the planet get captured as soon as the duel is over? Why is no information on the course of the battle given at all?
- "Nathan was awarded with the title Defender of the Colonies" - Geeze, even Superman didn't get a medal every time he saved a planet or whatever.
"while Renton and Ichi were given the Stupid Idea That Only Worked by the Grace of the Force Medal, which had just been invented by Nathan" - Har har, irony.
- "who wished to express his gratitude for what they had done." - Wait a minute. Nathan is the one who expressed this gratitude? The same Nathan who hit both of them with Force Blinding just because he didn't want their company mere hours before?
"Luckily for him, a shady informant codenamed Unforgiving One was able to contact Ichi" - Why did the informant call him? Shouldn't he call the informant?
- "A rogue Senator from Arkania was trying to cover his tracks and attempting to deny that he had ties to the Confederation. If Ichi killed the man, then Unforgiving One would give him the information he needed to find his father. Suspicious, Ichi asked for the man's name. The informant, however, would not release it, saying that Ichi would know at the appropriate time, and the informant discouraged looking into the man's personal life, as he would end their deal if Ichi did so. Seeing no other alternative, Ichi went along with the informant's assassination plans, and proceeded to leave to Arkania, where he would end the life of the Senator no matter what it took." - So Ichi is willing to murder a political official as a favor for a person he doesn't know in exchange for the satisfaction of a personal curiosity of his? What the hell kind of Jedi pulls that sort of shit?
"However, in the back of his head, his conscience began to talk to him in the form of Nathan and Renton. The 'Renton' began to inquire as to how far Ichi would actually go to find his family. Would killing the Senator be good enough for the informant...or would he only give partial information and task Ichi with another assignment? Ichi replied that he didn't care, and that he would do whatever it took to find his family." - This was pretty funny; an encyclopedia article detailing the conversation that this [obviously insane] person has with himself. It's also rummy that his "conscience" is more interested in whether killing the senator will be enough to appease the informant, rather than whether killing the senator is wrong or not. While having a character who is insane is not necessarily bad in and of itself, the problem is that this article is actually trying to defend him.
- "The 'Nathan' began to mock him, saying that sometimes, the ends didn't justify the means." - It's actually starting to become entertaining at this point.
"Ichi implored the 'Nathan' to explain itself, as he knew the real Nathan would never say that." - How does he know the real Nathan wouldn't say that? "Reaching the planet, he quickly began to go to the suite that the Senator supposedly lived in with his wife of thirty years. Apparently, the suite was a part of an elderly building that had ties with the long-forgotten Mandalorian Wars. Knowing that the time was right to strike—it was nightfall on Arkania and the Senator was a heavy sleeper—Ichi went to the suite, and prepared to kill the corrupt Senator." - Suspense.
- "Stealthily gaining access to the hotel's cameras, Ichi shut them off, but made it look like a natural occurrence, rather than an intentional one." - Elaboration is needed.
"The Senator stopped, clearly confused at what Ichi was saying. He adamantly denied the charges given against him, saying that his son had joined the Confederation and taken a large sum of his inheritance with him. He implored Ichi to not kill him, as he couldn't bear the thought of his other son doing so. Curious, Ichi asked what he meant. The Senator replied that his name was Lilb Go, and that his wife was Noor Conaim, and they were both his parents. Surprised at the revelation, Ichi asked for proof. Lilb explained that a family friend had told them to leave Ichi on Nar Shaddaa, where he would be safe from Lilb's political enemies and would be taken away to learn his true path away from his family.
Astonished, as he was one of only four people who knew his full story—the other three being Nathan, Plett, and Renton. Breaking down into tears, he hugged his father and mother and asked their forgiveness, for he had almost been tricked into killing his own parents." - This was actually a little surprising, but why do NKSCF's stories always have to involve the main character's relatives?
- "Gloed angered, ignited his lightsaber, while Ichi unsheathed his as well." - The Sith always draw first, don't they?
"The two fell upon each other with the fury of two rival gundarks" - You might have tried to find a goofier analogy, but chances are you would have failed.
- "During the duel, Ichi instructed his family to flee, while he dealt with Gloed. Gloed merely smiled and drained the life from his family. Ichi despondent over the death of his family, was unable to counter a blow from Gloed, which struck him in the side." - Wait a minute. Why didn't Itchy just use the sword that the mysterious dude gave him back on Kelakus? Did he just forget to bring it or something?
"To finish him off, Gloed pushed him flying out of the suite." - Apparently in Darth Gloed's mind, if you can't see a person, then that person is dead. Then again, maybe insanity runs in the family, since Gloed is Itchy's half-brother.
- "when he remembered that he could still beat Gloed, and that he had "won" the duel only because he had cheated, not because he was superior." - He "cheated"? What the heck is that supposed to mean?
"he next couple of years, Ichi began to hunt down Gloed but was never able to find him. No amount of evidence, clues, or help from other Jedi could locate the elusive Sith. However, in 51 ABY, Ichi was able to trace a rare HoloNet message to the remote world of Tianascalve. As far as the Galactic Alliance knew, there wasn't even a HoloNet node anywhere near the system, so the very message was curious enough, but became more of a find, when it was revealed that the sender was Gloed under an alias. With Renton and Mariz Kenobi Solo by his side, Ichi went to Tianascalve to investigate the recipient of the transmission, the Rutsenafo Director of Science Crie Krobos." - No context on the nature of this message is given other than the fact that Gloed sent it and this Krobos bloke received it. "After Mariz questioned one of the Rutsenafo about the location of Krobos, they found that they had already passed him, as he was located very near the planet's only spaceport." - Moving along...
- "When they arrived at the director's house, they were welcomed with open arms. Crie declared that he had always wanted to meet the fabled Ichi Go and Renton Thur'ston, as well as the daughter of one of the Galaxy's most famous heroes. Ichi began to grow suspicious of him, as he felt that he had met the Rutsenafo once before." - Dum dum dum...
"Ichi then bluntly asked the Rutsenafo if he knew Gloed or not, to which Crie replied that he did, albeit Gloed had tried to trick him by assuming a false name, but he knew better." - He "knew better"? How did he know better? "How could he not, he was the Seeker after all." - What the crickey is that supposed to mean?
- "Before any of the Jedi could ask what he meant by that, they were interrupted by Gloed, who had barged into the house and demanded to know why Crie had sold him out to the Jedi. Laughing slyly, Crie said that he had no wish to see any of them sold out to anyone. Ichi, before Renton or Mariz could hold him back, lunged forth with his lightsaber and attacked Gloed, who was able to save himself by igniting his before Ichi delivered a fatal blow." - Wow, that was one fast search. I wonder why Gloed was hanging around Crie's house. Or why they were helping Ichi and the others. Or why Ichi forgot to bring his sword again.
"The two then crashed out of the house, while Renton and Mariz rushed to see if they could do anything" - Gee, that was smart of them. I sure hope they don't run into any vile-looking creatures. "but they were rebuffed by several vile looking creatures, some of Gloed's Sithspawn." - Dang. "Knowing that the both of them were evenly matched in lightsaber combat, Ichi decided to bring out his vibroblade, Zangetsu, as he knew it could cause other lightsabers to quit functioning." - What? He did bring his sword after all? Why didn't he just use it before, at the beginning of the fight? He probably would have won by then!
- "Gloed, surprised by the appearance of the blade, was unable to counter it fully and his lightsaber fell into a temporary state of non-existence." - Non-existent? Don't you mean "non-functional" or something? The weapon doesn't no longer exist, it just doesn't work.
"Seeking to find an opportunity to gain either Ichi's sword or lightsaber, he flung several rocks towards him and was about to grab Zangetsu, when he felt a sharp pain in his side. Falling to the ground, he was barely able to look up and see the same happen to Ichi Go." - This isn't how an encyclopedia is written. It just isn't.
- "Ichi lifted his head up and saw that Crie had stabbed both himself and Gloed with a tridentlike device. Crie announced that they both had been hit with a mild sedative and that when they awoke, both would be far away from the other. True to his word, Ichi awoke on the ship he had come on with Renton and Mariz. The other two were suffering from the same affects as him. After all had recovered, they found that they were headed towards Dathomir. Gaining control of the ship, they went to Coruscant to report their findings to the Jedi Council." - This is totally out of whack. What the heck is up with Crie and how did he get the drop on all of them?
"Over the next couple of years, Mariz and Ichi began to grow closer, and ended up marrying on Novus Kamino Prime two years later. However, the marriage did not last long, and by the Battle of Dathomir, the two had decided to divorce. Although Ichi's father-in-law, Nathan, had been unhappy to see the two part, he knew that the relationship wouldn't have lasted much longer anyways, and was content in the fact that they still remained friends." - No context is given on the reason(s) for their divorce. Why is it even mentioned?
- "The Sith would arrive in full force two years after Nathan had come to the Colonies. The Colonies would have fell if it were not for the heroism of a Ottiumigon Jedi, who alerted the rest of the Centrality to the fact that the Sith were attacking from behind. Quickly mobilizing their forces, the Jedi were ready to die, as their only route of escape had been blocked off by Interdictors." - Gee, this looks bad.
"While Ichi Go was preparing to join Slag Squadron on an attack run, he suddenly felt the dark presence of Gloed inviting him to come aboard one of the Sith flagships. Knowing it was a trap, he brought along Renton, who had received a similar summons from Divat." - Why would he go if he knew it was a trap?
- "Safely reaching Gloed's personal vessel, the Pure, Renton and Ichi split up to find their respective summoners." - Ok, I suppose if Gloed intentionally lets them onboard, that's all right, but splitting up after arriving is just stupid if they're not even being attacked yet.
"Reaching the bridge of the Pure, Ichi found that the ship's crew barely reacted to his presence, and seemed to be more wary of something other than a potential fight between a Jedi and a Sith Knight. Feeling a animal's presence in the Force, he brought out Zangetsu and called for it to appear. As if in answer to his call, a large, grotesque behemoth entered the bridge." - How ominous.
- "Looking like a cross between a crazed Human, a Dachsaur, and a Hollow beast" - Bwha?
"the creature lumbered towards Ichi Go. Sensing its primal urges to kill him, Ichi attacked with his vibroblade, but found that the creature was largely resistant to it and found himself thrown by it towards one of the fragile windows. By sending a cushioning air behind him, he was able to avoid smashing through the windows." - Just an F.Y.I, for the author: windows on ships are not made of glass; they're made of transparent durasteel, because it would be obscenely stupid have something so easily breakable being the only thing protecting the crew of a starship from the vacuum of space.
- "Ichi Go, defiant, said that Gloed had better watch out before his creation decided to turn on him. Gloed laughed at the thought, stating that through Sith alchemy, the beast would obey only him and would never harm its Master." - This better not be an "ironic" foreshadowing device, or I'm going to punch myself.
"But before Ichi could attack again, he felt the voice of Renton calling out to him, proclaiming that the Jedi were finally able to escape, because Nathan had personally blown up the Interdictors that prevented their escape." - What? How? Does this mean he literally destroyed them himself, or his ships did?
- "Angry that he would have to leave to fight another day again, Ichi issued a warning to Gloed. He said that if he ever saw him again, then he would be killed. Gloed asked whether or not Ichi knew that such actions were of the dark side, but, in reply, Ichi ghosted on board his and Renton's personal ship the Hybrid Idiots and escaped the battle unscathed." - What exactly was Renton doing all this time?
"Uncertain as to what they should refer to their organization as, they went about asking others for ideas. When Nathan overheard a conversation between Mariz, Ichi, and Ahlex, where the latter forgot the name of the very people that they were fighting against, he petitioned for the organization to be named the Scourges of Those Bad Guy People. Taking an instant liking to it, a majority vote sealed the name into history." -
- "Over the next couple of years, the Scourges of Those Bad Guy People brought about the destruction of several Sith trading vessels, the liberations of worlds without a strong Sith presence, and the fear that the organization could actually harm the Sith. It was during this time that Ichi and Mariz tried to reconcile their relationship, however, it was doomed to failure yet again. After successfully liberating the planet Almania from its Sith occupiers, the grateful people offered it to be a base of operations for the Scourges of Those Bad Guy People. After conferring with the rest of the group, Nathan agreed. Within the next couple of weeks, the Scourges of Those Bad Guy People made Almania their base." - I'm sorry, but I cannot take this organization seriously.
"However, Ichi and Renton began to witness horrible apparitions and suffered from terrible visions where they saw themselves killed by Gloed and Divat respectively and witnessed the destruction of the planet's surface by Sith bombardment. Knowing that the future was not set in stone, they told Nathan about it and he decided to evacuate the populace before the Sith arrived. However, it was too late, as Darth Abeonis himself had come on The Soiyo to exact his revenge on Nathan for crippling several Sith operations. Accompanying Nathan along with other notable Jedi Knights to The Soiyo, Ichi began to feel as if the coming battle was unavoidable. After witnessing the duel between Abeonis and Nathan, Ichi fled with the others to get away from the Dark Lord of the Decreton Empire.
Part II: Tempest
I really wish people could be held responsible for doomsday prophecies. As in, you make one, [and] it doesn't come to pass, we fire your rear end into space.
—JoachimLPQ of the SomethingAwful Forums
Following the escape from The Soiyo, Ichi Go went back to his and Renton's personal vessel, the Hybrid Idiots. He found Renton meditating in his quarters instead of fighting. Puzzled and angered at the same time, Ichi asked why he wasn't helping Nathan and the rest of them fight. Renton replied that he had been calling their enemies, Gloed and Divat to come and end their feud, as he, for one, was tired of the fight over things that happened years ago.
Angry that Renton had actually invited them over, Ichi said that the only reason he wanted them here was because Renton wanted to fight, beat, and then own Divat as his wife. Surprised at his friend's accusations over his character, Renton replied that he was indeed in love with Divat, but that would have no bearing if she could not be turned; Renton would kill her if need be. Still unconvinced, Ichi went to the cockpit, and then to the escape pod, if Renton was dumb enough to have asked them to come to their ship, then he was stupid enough to ask Gloed to come to Almania's surface to fight. Seeking his adversary through the Force, Ichi presented his proposition, to which Gloed accepted a bit too eagerly." - This author seems to have a addiction to battles and duels happening at the same time. A lot.
- "Sensing it again, Ichi went to investigate, and soon found that he had been confronted with one of Gloed's most fiercest creations: Hollow, an attempt at making an all-powerful, mindless Sithspawn that followed only him. The attempt had been successful, although, as far as Ichi knew, he hadn't had success the second time he had attempted it. Raising his specially-made vibroblade, Zangetsu, Ichi told the creature that it was going to die. The creature merely grunted and attacked, causing Ichi to move back and rethink his next move. Ichi Go sheathed Zangetsu for a moment and ignited his lightsaber, as he knew the Sithspawn was resistant to his vibroblade from past experiences. His dark red blade shining brightly in Almania's light, Ichi Go made the first move and swiped at Hollow's feet, but missed, as the beast's agility and stamina were far better than his." - You can't write an encyclopedia like a fan fic. That doesn't work.
"Announcing that he was there to finally end his family's shame, Gloed sheathed his lightsaber and brought out his own vibroblade, a dark and twisted version of Zangetsu. Ichi's self-control lost at the sight of the desecration before him, he lost all of his thought processes and attacked Gloed with a blind rage. Laughing the entire time, Gloed goaded Ichi on and on, attempting to make him fall to the dark, and then intending to kill him when he did so. Ichi, however, informed Gloed that he had no intention of falling, as his true Master, Nathan, had always shown him ways to use his anger for the betterment of all. He didn't see things in shades of black or white, he saw them in grey, and planned to make sure Gloed would know this as well, because he was going to turn him to the light." - Oh, that's original.
- "Chuckling at the idea that Ichi could turn him to the light, Gloed Force pushed Ichi into a nearby butte and slashed after him. Remaining stubborn, Ichi said that no one person was beyond redemption, no matter how much he hated himself for saying that after what Gloed had done to Ichi's mother, father, and brother years ago. Beaming with pride, Gloed said he would have done it a thousand times over, just to see the look on Ichi's face when he ended her life.
"Refusing to let that coerce him to join the dark side, Ichi Go fought on. Noting that Gloed usually left his head open to attack every now and then, Ichi planned to swipe at it at the appropriate time. Slathering him with Force lightning, Ichi then used the momentary pause to his advantage and attacked—aiming for Gloed's head. But, instead of the quick and easy victory he had foreseen, Ichi was stabbed by Gloed, who had cast an illusion over himself, so that Ichi would go for it. Surrounded by his own blood, Ichi began to heal himself as fast as possible, but, instead of the attack he thought Gloed would bring, he saw that Gloed had brought more of his failed attempts to create another Hollow. Finding himself surrounded, outmanned, and outgunned, Ichi prepared to die. However, he felt the spirit of his mother calling out to him, offering him her strength and devotion and became heartened." - This is so overdone and unoriginal I don't even know where to begin.
- "The Sithspawn finally returned, and Ichi still remained sitting, as if he could have cared less about what was about to happen. Dauntless, the Sithspawn attacked, but the first assault wave soon found itself in no less than twenty neatly sliced pieces. By using the Force, Ichi had taken large chunks of the ground beneath him and thrown them towards his opponents. Screaming to his creations to continue their attack, Gloed was getting a little bit frightened. Where was the bleeding profusely, almost dead, Ichi Go he had left to be finished off? What had happened in such a short time for him to have regained his strength and composure? Questions better left for later, as Ichi Go had just defeated the last of the Sithspawn Gloed had brought with him. Cursing him to Chaos, Gloed brought out his twisted Zangetsu and jumped from the hill he had been standing on to get to Ichi, if his minions could not end this, then he would." - If there's anyone I hate seeing a character turn into, it's Rambo.
"Helpless to prevent his half-brother's death, Ichi walked to the escape pod he had come to Almania on and noticed it had been destroyed by a stray laser shot from one of the Sith vessels. Seeing Gloed's vessel nearby, unscathed, he went to it and departed the planet, but kept the burden with him. He wondered how Renton had done against Divat. His pensive thoughts were answered when he was commed by Renton, who explained that he and Divat had reconciled and they were awaiting for him to extract them on the planet's surface. Asking them for a precise location, Renton replied that it was the only spot on the planet with a huge robot. Quickly saving them, they departed from the battle and regrouped with the other survivors. All in all, the battle had been a success, albeit a costly one for both sides." -
- "The next couple of years after the Battle of Almania, Ichi Go and the Scourges of Those Bad Guy People did what they did best: annoying the kriff out of the Sith by scuttling several operations." - Goofy point of view. I wouldn't have mentioned this one except for the goofiness.
"The Jedi were almost wiped out as a combatant and the Galactic Alliance was basically defunct." - How many times has this happened before?
- "Tenel Ka, had taken in Jedi survivors and had asked for them to help her form a new government, the Galactic Commonwealth. Nathan, feeling that this was what he was meant to do, asked the others for their opinions. Ichi was in leader of the opposition, who wondered if the Commonwealth would be strong enough to even stand up to the Sith." - So Ichi's reason for opposing a new government is his opinion that the Sith would probably beat them? It seems the craziness is coming back.
"The opposition was immediately won-over and they applied for membership into the Galactic Commonwealth." - Why did you even mention his opposition if you weren't going to give a good reason for it?
- "However, he did miss out on a very important mission that would have a major impact on his life for hundreds of years: the mission that Nathaniel Kenobi Solo, his children, and the mercenary Faustus Van Nolmbet undertook—the capture and or death of Crie Krobos." - Yeesh, I almost forgot about that geezer. Who the heck is he?
"The cryptic Rutsenafo knew more about Ichi Go than he knew about himself." - Just this once, I'm going to pretend to know what in the name of Heaven this article is talking about.
- "Seeking answers that they couldn't find elsewhere, Ichi, Eureka, and Renton consulted one of the most famous minds in the field of Humans: an old, disgruntled clone named Doc. Doc had been one of the first clones ever produced by the Kaminoans, and he was also the last of his brothers remaining, as the rest had died, and the other clones were based on new genetic templates." - Why is Doc so famous, and why is he expected to be able to help Itchy?
"If anyone could find out why the three of them never aged, and why they looked almost eternally young, it was him." - Oh, that? I can answer that. The author wanted them to.
- "After running some tests, Doc informed them that he couldn't tell them anything that they didn't know already, elaborating that it looked as if their very biological structures had been changed sometime during birth." - Uhh, whatever, dude. If you want to try and throw some science into this story, go ahead.
"(Doc later died of old age after this incident, at the ripe old age of one hundred and forty-six years-old.)" - So a clone with accelerated growth lives longer than normal humans? How does that make sense?
- "After conferring with several of the Jedi healers that resided in the Commonwealth, the trio were no closer to finding out their true origins than before, as the healers were just as astounded as they were to find out what had occurred to them. So their only option left was a senile, one hundred and seven year-old man named Nathaniel Kenobi Solo, who happened to know of a Force power that could have resulted in their changes." - How do they know that Nathan knows how to help them?
"Nathan recounted that several powerful Force users in the past had been known to manipulate midichlorians to shape other sapients to become something else. Among them were such notables as Darth Infineus, Darth Monarchist, and Reven.) The power was known to them as the Midi-Chlorian Mix. If Nathan's suspicions were correct, then they had been genetically-altered by a powerful person who had done this seemingly at random for no possible reason." - So someone did it randomly for no reason. Excellent work. You've successfully made as much sense as sandpaper underpants.
- "If the Jedi did not scout them out before the death of Abeonis, the Commonwealth would be in danger of not knowing what to expect of the next Sith Lord to take power. For the next six years, the trio watched the possible successors to Abeonis and reported back to the Commonwealth. Their reports came back with the following information. Proditor was a powerful man, but nothing to be feared, as many in the Empire despised him. Debello, on the other hand, was to be feared, as he was very charismatic and patient, and could be a danger to the entire Galaxy if he succeeded. Even worse, his apprentice, the former Jedi Knight—now Sith Knight—Darth Krayt was every bit as ruthless as his Master. There truly was a no-win situation for the Commonwealth." - A "no-win" situation? Since when are Sith Lords who are ruthless, charismatic, patient, scary, and dangerous anything new?
"Nathan, his friend and mentor, had died at the hand of the very thing he wanted to protect the entire Galaxy from. Ichi Go swore that Krayt would pay." - Oh, geeze. Another personal vendetta against the bad guy?
- "Ichi Go was furious at the outcome of the whole thing and began to experience weird headaches and pains. Seeking medical advice, he was told that Renton and Eureka were suffering from the same ailment. Before a proper prognosis could be given, all three of them fell into a state of hibernation, where they would remain for the next fifty years." - Wha? Hibrination? Why does this article present information like a fan fic?
"In 189 ABY, the trio found themselves in a large hospital room with coma patients." - What exactly was the point of this?
- "Jebupa explained that as of the last week, the Commonwealth had folded and had been replaced with the Jedi Autocracy. It was being led by the Grand Master Zeferi, who was the last of the original New Jedi Order, besides the present company, of course. She explained that the Sith were virtually the same as before, except they were a little powerful, but they kept them in check and neither side sought out conflict anymore." - This is basically just a recycle of previous situations with different names for the factions.
"Investigations were once again postponed when a new threat arrived: the Zao tenj. At first the Autocracy avoided fighting them, but once they realized that the Sith were losing the war, the Jedi agreed to join the fight. Foremost among them were Ichi, Renton, Eureka, Tai painj, Urai Fen, and Jehn Rhin." - Oh, geeze. Another uber-deadly new enemy from the unknown?
- "Near the middle of the war, circa 250 ABY, the three began to experience the same symptoms as before, and once again fell into a state of hibernation." - No information on what they were doing until then is given.
"Several governments had arisen to take over from the fleeing Sith and the Autocracy, which was now formally a part of the Third Republic. Everyone's allegiance was up for sale and the Jedi were looked down upon because of their actions during several pacification operations. It was truly a dismal hour for the three Jedi Masters. However, they decided that they couldn't do anything at all to prevent more atrocities—as all sides were guilty in some way, shape, or form, so" - So in other words, nothing new.
- "they couldn't help any of them—so they decided to finally renew their search into their distinctive, mysterious past." - If they get sidetracked again I'm going to punch myself.
"Seeking the help of Nathan, they went to Coruscant, where they knew his holocron was being kept safe from raiders and pillagers." - How could they knoew it was still there? Lots of stuff has changed (supposedly).
- "Covertly, they were able to take the holocron out and replace it with a fake." - Why did they need to steal it? Who were they stealing it from?
"Nathan's Force ghost laughed, stating that he hadn't meant to sound that way. Growing serious, he then divulged all he knew of the man named Crie Krobos, of whom, he had reason to believe was the man who had experimented on the three of them along with two other young children when they were newly-born. After he and the dhampir Faust had gone to Tianascalve to apprehend and/or kill Krobos, they had found a diary, which only contained a few writings, as the rest had been ripped out by another sentient sometime previously.
In the remaining papers, Nathan had discovered references to something referred to as the Destroyer of All, the deathworld, and the Five Who Would Save." - Great jumping monkeys, now you're throwing a prophecy storyline into this thing?
- "Further attempts to investigate had come up short, but thanks to another source, he had been able to unearth DNA from the ripped pages, and found, to his horror, that the DNA was from Sos-uke Aizen, who apparently was far from dead." - It's been so long since I started reading this article that I've forgotten who Sos-uke Aizen is. Oh yeah, he was the dude who almost had the Acclamator crash on him.
"Other than that, all he could reveal was that there was a young woman who appeared to "suffer" from the same symptoms as the three of them and that she was known to frequent a secluded patch of land on Novus Kamino Prime for some unknown reason." - Why was that all he could reveal? How did he figure all this out, anyway? Or do you mean to say "all he could deduct"?
- "But before they left, Eureka said that she felt as if that hadn't been Nathan's Force ghost, elaborating by saying that she felt that it seemed almost to be like she had felt Nathan before, when he was in either his astral projection or ghosting form. Shrugging off the explanation, Ichi said that they had better hurry to get to Novus Kamino Prime, so that the fresh clues they had been given wouldn't stale with age." - I sure hope this isn't spooky foreshadowing.
"Arriving in the Novus Kamino Prime system the following day, they sought out the woman who Nathan had sent them to find." - How did they know where to look? Did they even know her name?
- "When they soon became surrounded by the pack animals, they began to lose hope" - Why didn't they just force-teleport (ghost) away?
"However, Pibbe had little or no information about the mysterious woman, claiming only one sighting of her." - How do they provide enough information to ask about the woman? They don't even know what she looks like.
- "a massive explosion came from outside. Going out to investigate, they found that a rival pirate group, the Returners, had found their rival's base and were planning to eliminate the competition." - Then they're going to meet the mysterious woman right after thsi conflict ends, right?
"the Returners' nuclear device was already loaded and was heading straight towards them." - A nuke? If they had a nuke, why didn't they just bomb them with it from afar?
- "Opening his eyes to see what had happened, Ichi Go witnessed a large, orange triangular shield hovering over the pirate's den, and it was absorbing the entire brunt of the nuclear device's assault." - What? I don't think even Yoda could do that.
"the woman addressed herself as Ori Hi-Me, and that she had been looking for them for a very long time. She gave a quick story of living in isolation for hundreds of years since she had been experimented on by a man known only to her as the Day-Walker. Noting that Day-Walker had been a moniker given to Krobos by his own people, Ichi asked how she had escaped and why she had come here." - No context is given as to the nature of these "experiments".
- "However, in the many years after that, she tried to find the other three that the Human had asked her to find, but to no avail, as she had no idea what they would be like. After years of despairing for information concerning them, she had found absolutely nothing." - I wonder who these three are. Probably not our intrepid adventurers.
"there was an ancient tablet that was secured in one of the terraformed jungles in the southern continent that she and the others must read before continuing to the deathworld. Before he could ask for an even bigger headache, Renton said that they should use their new "friends" to gain access to Korriban, so that they could figure it out on the way there. Thinking it sound advice, Ichi queried Pibbe to see if they could get shipped to Korriban, to which Pibbe replied that it was feasible, that was, if the price was right. Muttering under his breath, Ichi Go paid the Hutt in advance and they departed for Korriban, unsure of what was going to happen next." - Why can't they just get to Korriban using their own ship?
- "that the uniqueness of the device was because it had been created by the ancient Sith, and was an artifact of immense power and strength." - Another immensely powerful artifact?
"then asked where she kept it, as he hadn't seen her carrying anything with her when he had first seen her using it. She replied that her hairpin was the Shun-Shun-Rikka. At first believing that she was teasing him, Ichi began to play along, but discovered that she was absolutely true, and the hairpin she had was indeed the device she claimed it to be when he tested it out." - Hairpin? Oh, come on.
- "While Ichi was wondering the meaning of it all, he began to think of how beautiful she was, and his face began to turn red at the thought of the two of them together. He had been smitten the moment he had seen her rescue them. But before he could relive his fantasy again, Ori asked him why his face had turned so red, leaving Ichi to create an awkward defense as to why his face was red, but, thankfully, Pibbe came into the corridor they were in and announced that they had just reached Korriban." - Captain, we've just collided with Komedy!
"two of her most trusted men, a Weequay named Jrol Nuy and a Makurth named Ensin Riky. (She claimed that they would destroy any Sith artifacts that they encountered on the way to their location, stating that the more they annihilated, the less chance some punk with a lightsaber would turn to the dark side because of them.)" - More komedy!
- "The planet's native creatures proved to be their worst adversary, besetting them at every opportunity that they presented." - Nothing wrong with that...
- "Among them were wraids," - Check.
- tuk'ata," - Check.
- "shyracks," - Check.
- "mutated, carnivorous nerfs that were remnants of some of Mutatos' Sith alchemy experiments." - What? Who the hell mutates nerfs with Sith alchemy? That's like the Galactic Empire sending a task force to the Hoth system in search of runaway jaywalkers.
"Eventually reaching a river, they stopped to rest and were greeted by violent terentateks. The creature's immunity to the Force presented a dangerous problem to the group's fighting strategy." - Looks like they're in trouble. I'm sure that no one will swoop out of nowhere and rescue them, otherwise I'm going to punch myself.
- "when all seemed lost, a myriad of plants were driven from their roots and brought to attack the terentateks." - That hurt.
"Most forced themselves inside the creature's stomachs and made them explode from the sheer ferocity of the attacks." - You don't need to put that much detail into these articles.
- "With the terentateks dead, the group looked to find their saviors, who turned out to be a group of primitive looking aliens. Greeting them, Ichi tried to ask them if they knew anything about something called the Tablet of Truth, the name Krobos had given to the tablet. The primitives jabbered to each other in their unintelligible language and then stated, in near-perfect Basic, that the Sixth Out of Five needed to speak with them concerning the Tablet. Astonished, the group then noticed that they were completely at the mercy of the aliens, as they had surrounded them from all sides. Seeking to figure out who the Sixth Out of Five was, Ichi ordered the rest of his group to back down and go with the aliens." - Surrounded by the unknown natives and taken somewhere for an unknown reason? Reminds me quite a bit of Episode Six.
"Marching into the jungle, they were brought to an ancient temple, where, seated on a throne, was Sos-uke Aizen, beaming down at them." - I'm shocked and awed. The villain who was introduced and forgotten returns.
Part III: Revelation
- "Drawing out Zangetsu, Ichi began to lunge towards Aizen, who made no move to prevent him from doing so. Expecting a trap, Ichi moved back, but saw that Aizen remained planted on his throne" - That must have been hilarious to watch.
"Demanding an explanation, Ichi's rage grew to the boiling point. Aizen, remaining calm, explained that he had been waiting there ever since Krobos' untimely death several years ago. He elaborated further by saying that he was waiting specifically for them to arrive. Ichi then asked him why he was waiting for them. Aizen replied that they needed to fulfill the prophecy. When he saw the quizzical looks on their faces, he began to tell the real story of Crie Krobos." - In this way, the article is written like some kind of weird hybrid between a fan fic and an article.
- "In 57 BBY, Crie was born to two Rutsenafo parents, and then began a regular life" - Ok...
- "regular for a Rutsenafo, that is" - Good thing you cleared that up, else I would be in the dark.
- "his parents would tell a bedtime story designed to scare him into listening to them, the saga of the Five Who Would Save. Then his parents sent him to fulfill his Bloodrite, to which he completed in four years, instead of the regular five, as he had found a way to integrate a Tiani sapphire into his body before he was supposed to." - What? What the heck are you talking about? What's a Tiani sapphire? Since when is he ever supposed to put one inside him, and what purpose would that serve? Wouldn't that hurt? What's a Bloodrite? No context is given, and that gets under my skin.
"Deciding that he wanted to begin his studies in the field of science, he experimented on the few travelers that came to his homeworld, finding out more about their various anatomies and the like." - I don't want to think about the possible implications of this.
- "Crie was remarkably gifted with the ability to withstand the sun's light." - You've lost me here. You have freaking lost me. Does this have something to do with his species? Stop assuming that the reader already knows this stuff, because chances are, he doesn't.
"Many Rutsenafo were amazed at his uniqueness and he was immediately sent to work in the laboratory of a famous Rutsenafo scientist, Dlav Urladac, who wished the young man to become his test subject." - Good Lord of Heaven.
- "Once Crie found out, though, he began to slowly take away his master's health and Force over the period of six days, which eventually lead to the man's death." - And he did this... why? How was he able to do it, anyway?
"Crie was not implicated in his murder, as no one would have believed a mere nineteen year-old could have mastered the dreaded Force power that all experienced Rutsenafo learned. He then proclaimed himself the Director of Science, a boast not held lightly by the other higher-ranking Rutsenafo. Such a thing was unheard of, but he soon proved his worth—and one of his better known attributes of buying others off to get what he wanted—to them by creating a vast army of Tianascalve zombies to be used at the expense of the Counts will." - Zombie army? At this point, why the hell not?
- "Several years later, Crie would remember the bedtime story his parents had once told to him. Something about it seemed to suggest that the story was not just a story, but an ancient prophecy that revealed the actual end of the universe." - Err, right. That's not even close to a leap of logic. No, this is what in Star Wars is called a hyperspace leap of logic.
"Fearing death, he began to validate his hypothesis, seeking to find out if he was indeed right. His travels led him to the polar regions of Tianascalve, where rumors told of an ancient complex that housed the secret to uncovering the mystery behind the prophecy. After a day of searching, he found what he was looking for: an ancient holocronlike device that was the last gift the ancient Count Iroggri Partisun, or the man who had delivered the End Times Prophecy." - Is anything about this prophecy going to be explained other than the fact that it's big and powerful and ancient and dangerous and mysterious?
- "Curiosity got the better of him, and Crie unlocked the device before he checked it for any booby traps. The specter of Iroggri slowly came out of the device and told Crie that he must go to the world of the Sith, and find an eons old tablet that held the entirety of his prophecy." - The "specter" of Iroggri? Is that supposed to mean his ghost or something? If so, why was it inside the thing at all?
"Thanking the specter, Crie made ready to leave, but the complex's walls began to close in on him, effectively trapping him in the building, that was, if he hadn't sped away to the exit in time." - Why did you word it like this? Were you trying to catch the reader off-guard or something?
- "Immediately, he secured transport to the planet Korriban, much like the Ichi Go and the others had done, and, after he had landed, sought out the Tablet of Truth. Meeting resistance from some of the planet's native inhabitants—Original Sith, Massassi, Korribanites, and their slaves—he soon killed the majority of them by removing their life forces from them." - ...so you're saying this untrained dude basically wiped out the majority of this planet's three civilizations on his own?
"Leaving a trail of blood behind him, Crie marched forward to the rumored location of the Tablet of Truth, and struck gold." - Cha-ching!
- "Aizen then paused for a moment, and then Ichi began to grow tired of waiting for him to continue and bluntly asked him to start up the 'wonderful' story again." - This detail was unneeded.
"Growing impatient again, Ichi charged forward to read the tablet, but found that it was written in some foreign language and ended up getting a headache from trying to translate it." - The headache detail was especially useful.
- "Aizen then read from the tablet, and, for the first time ever, the other four would find the truth they had been searching for." - Here we go...
- "Following the years of rebellion, there will be a seeker who finds truth in the spoken words of I.
He will find the traditions are wrong and that the end is near. Using his knowledge, he will find the Five Who Would Save. He will experiment on them, so that they will find their true path. The seeker will also provide the five with gifts of power Two of the Five will be given a machine of immense power. Another shall receive a weapon imbued with the Force. Whilst another will be given a strange artifact of unknown origin. And the last of the Five will receive the knowledge to destroy that which they must destroy. However, one of the Five will die at the hand of another, but a replacement will be made. After seeing what he did was good, the seeker will be killed by two separate rivals, but his legacy will live on. There will be a time following the era of unity, where the age of the dark will follow. The Five will then be reunited on the planet of the Sith. The Destroyer of All shall arise on the deathworld, but the Five will overcome it and enforce it to rest again. However, if the Five should fail, all will be lost. When the crisis is over, the Five will agree to remain behind on the deathworld in hibernation based on the advice of a friend thought dead. A turncoat shall arrive in a new era of darkness, seeking refuge from a once faithful friend and he will find power beyond his wildest dreams. One of the Five will come and meet their end to him, and the turncoat will unleash the Destroyer of All. The Five, now four, shall help the turncoat sacrifice himself to end the monster once and for all. After that, all will be well."
- Basically just your standard "doomsday approaching need savior(s) who perfectly-fit-with-main-characters" prophecy.
"A moment of silence swept into the room after Aizen finished the translation. Realization began to creep into Ichi's mind. It was all beginning to make sense." - Oh, great. Now the "revelation" scene begins.
- "Beginning in 14 ABY, Crie Krobos had finally found the five people he knew were the ones the prophecy spoke of. Experimenting on Gloed and Eureka first, he had awaited the next three, which turned out to be himself, Ori, and Renton. Over the years, all five were granted with amazing success in battle and were given strange implements to win them. Renton and Eureka had the Nihr'Vash, while Ori had been given the Shun-Shun-Rikka. He had been given Zangetsu, while Gloed had begun knowledge in the arts of the ancient Sith alchemists, having power that no one could ever dream of. He had also been the one who was foretold to kill another member of the Five, as Gloed had died because of him on Almania. However, the idea of a replacement began to bother him. Who could it have been?
His question was answered when Renton asked Aizen if he had been the replacement, stating that he should have died on Kelakus, but had obviously been saved by someone, Crie, perhaps. Aizen applauded Renton on his ingenuity, and admitted that he was the replacement for Gloed and had since harbored no feeling of ill will towards Renton or Ichi for their attempt on his life, he had deserved no less for what he had done.
After the revelation of Aizen's true nature, Ichi began to grow more pensive and began connecting more of the dots. The seeker was obviously Krobos, and his two "rivals" had been Nathan and Faust. There had indeed been an "age of unity", better known as the Unity era. People were beginning to refer to the era they were in now as the Dark Age, which seemed to make perfect sense. All five of them had met on the world of the Sith. But this Destroyer of All and the deathworld made him cringe, because he had no idea what they could represent. Asking Aizen what was next on their agenda, he was told that Tianascalve was to be visited by them once again, before they could begin their search for the deathworld. Meeting up with Pibbe, who had waited outside, they began to send in the coordinates to Tianascalve, not knowing what was in store for them." - This is almost like Indiana Jones, except with Star Wars... and Anime... and Prophecies.
- "Ichi went to interrogate Aizen before they continued to Tianascalve, which they had just reached. Ichi then asked him why he had gone to Korriban just to tell them they needed to go to Tianascalve, to which Aizen replied, Dramatic effect." - Komedy!
"Aizen calmed him down by stating that they had needed to see the Tablet of Truth before they could continue on, as it was very important to their quest." - Why not just bring it to them instead of letting them look for it?
- "Being that it was midday, there was little or no chance that one of the planet's inhabitants would attack them." - Why would they attack the group at all?
- "In the middle of the march, a young Anzati named Pliko Mar—who, like the majority of the Krayt Killers, was mildly Force-sensitive—felt a disturbance in the Force. His proclamation was soon given value when the others felt it as well. Eureka then asked Aizen if he knew what they had felt. Aizen said that they were near Crie's old cloning room, where all of his clones had been brutally slaughtered by Nathan and Faust. It was now a nexus of dark side energies." - Cloning room? Did I miss something here? Once again the article assumes that I know what it's talking about and doesn't want to explain stuff.
- "Aizen finally found what he wanted in-between the bed springs: the diary of Crie Krobos. Aizen then handed it to Ichi Go, who was surprised that it was actually written in Basic, rather than the Rutsenafo's modified form of Anzat. Ichi then asked what Aizen wanted him to do with it. Aizen then told him to read it, so that the others could finally learn the entire truth of their origins." - Not another revelation scene...
- "The diary opened up much the same way Aizen had recollected earlier to them, however, Crie had been personally responsible for making the decisions the others had "made" in their lives. Such as forcing a prophecy into the mind of Regy Orfec, effectively giving him a fatal headache and ending his life" - Fatal headache? Huh?
- "bending the mind of both Ichi Go's parents and the mother of Eureka to send Renton and Ichi to Nar Shaddaa" - Wha?
- "causing the ship malfunction that sent Gloed's personal vessel to Korriban, where he would be captured by Mutatos and converted to the dark side" - I...
- "'suggesting' Eureka should leave known space and find the fabled Sith Order of Decreto" - Engg...
- "and bringing about the 'death' of Aizen, thereby making sure a suitable candidate was available should one of the Five fall" - ...
"The Five—minus Aizen—began to sink down into several of the chairs in the room, trying to gather all they had just learned." - I tried to understand all this, but if I try a second time I don't think I'll get off easy.
- "went back to the diary and resumed his reading. The diary seemed to skip a couple of years, and the next date Ichi found was one dealing with something that had been referred to in the prophecy: the Destroyer of All. Created by ancient Sith alchemists in the earliest stages of the Galaxy, sometime during the fabled Pius Dea Crusades, the Destroyer of All—actually referred to as the Jagare Av Samtliga—was the most fearsome weapon ever devised. A living being, it was imbued so much with the Force, that normal weaponry was essentially useless against it." - Useless against it? I guess that means they're screwed.
"Sometime in the Crusades, a team of Jedi Knights had been able to locate and enforce the Jagare Av Samtliga to enter a state of hibernation. They then sealed it, along with many representatives of the Sith and Pius Dea, on the deathworld, better known as Dödsfallvärd. Apparently, Iroggri Partisun had been present at the altercation, and had received a Force vision concerning the reawakening of the terrible beast. Before Ichi could continue the reading, a large shudder went through the ground: Tianascalve was under attack." - Another interruption. Do these people ever get a break?
- "Confusion ran amongst the Krayt Killers and Jedi underneath Crie Krobos' mansion. Who or what would dare attack a planet full of very powerful Force-sensitives?" - What do you mean "who would dare"? Since when does a person being force-sensitive make that person especially dangerous? Granted, a force-sensitive usually gains basic precognition and reflex abilities, but if they're not trained in the Force, it won't take them very far.
"but a shot rang out and the glare of at least twenty lightsabers met them: the Jedi had come to Tianascalve." - This sounds batty, but I assume it'll be explained shortly.
- "Ichi Go, furious to know that it had been the Jedi attacking them, demanded an explanation. The clear leader of the group, a well-built Human named Kenial Flau announced that they were there to merely annihilate rivals to their cause, and he was sure members of the Avenging Sons could understand. Puzzled, Ichi asked who the Avenging Sons were, to which the man laughed, clearly amused at their confusion. The Human's lieutenant, a male Jenet named Mio Messaggero, stepped forward and asked how they couldn't know about the group that they were so obviously in. He pointed towards their Jedi robes and mocked them, saying that they couldn't play him for a fool: they were really members of the Avenging Sons, clearly there to stop the Followers of Bogan from achieving their goals." - Then again...
"they soon found out that the Avenging Sons had launched an attack to save the Rutsenafo from extinction. After that, Kenial stared down Ichi and the others, and then revealed that he was going to kill them, because he thought that they had been sent to spy on them. Igniting his lightsaber, Ichi prepared to attack Kenial, but was pushed backwards by Mio. Growing complacent, Kenial sent the other eighteen members of the Followers of Bogan topside, to assist in the attack on the Avenging Sons. Just as he was about to attack the group, Kenial was skewered in the back by Mio, who seemed to not enjoy any of what he had just done. Sighing, he addressed Ichi Go by name." - I don't know who either of these factions are... at all.
- "they needed to find the only person who could possibly smuggle them into Dödsfallvärd safely: Imbel Kenobi Solo." - How many people is Nathan related to? Seriously.
"Over the next couple of days, the Five and their allies swept across the Galaxy in search of Imbel Kenobi Solo. During the search, Ichi asked Mio about Imbel and how a descendant of Nathan's could ever end up as a smuggler. Mio said that at an early age, she had been reviewed by several Jedi Masters to see if she was Force-sensitive. However, she was actually not and the discovery caused an uproar in the order." - Why would that cause an "uproar"?
- "her parents attempted to raise her as best as they could, but she was considered to be severely "crippled" by the Masters of Ossus, so they forced her parents to exile Imbel to Taris, where they planned to use her as a missionary worker." - That's cold, man.
"However, on the way there, she had been visited by the Force ghosts of her ancestors, Nathaniel Kenobi and Nathaniel Kenobi Solo. Both had revealed to her that there was a reason why she was born without the ability to use the Force and that, in time, she would understand it, but for now, they instructed her to leave the ship and group up with a smuggling ring—the Vindicator Squad—and to find a way to become the leader of the group and overthrow the present one, a Dolucian named Lerek Kiseret." - More secret shit thrown into the pot, courtesy of Nathaniel.
- "Having successfully infiltrated the Vindicator Squad, Imbel then allied with several like-minded people and killed Lerek in a bloody battle." - No context is given on why this is necessary.
"Mio then told Ichi Go that it wasn't important now and that they needed to head towards Bespin, where Imbel and the Vindicator Squad had set their headquarters on the remnants of Cloud City." - A movie location? That's actually something of a surprise.
- "She replied that she was scared of all the new developments the Galaxy had gone through since the last time she had hibernated. She told that she was very insecure around others because of her isolation within Crie's mansion. Lack of contact with any other beings except Krobos and Aizen had made her development as a child and onwards horrible and that the first time she had ever gone anywhere else besides the mansion was to deliver supplies to a contemporary scientist "friend" of Crie's, who was working near the planet's spaceport." - Oh, great. A potentially terrible or mysterious story. I hope a mysterious man doesn't show up out of nowhere.
"In so doing, she was looked down upon by the other Rutsenafo and was about to deliver the supplies, when a couple of drunk Human miners had cornered her into a wall. Not knowing anything about society and what they planned to do with her, she had been unable to think of what to do next. When it became apparent that they had wished to rape her, she was transfixed and couldn't protect herself from the shock of so many new things happening at once. However, she heard the voice of a man who was around the age of eighty-five cry out to the miners to leave her alone or face his blade." - ...right on cue, out of nowhere swoops the mysterious man.
- "The miners, undeterred, proceeded to do the exact opposite of what the man had said. Before she could react, Ori witnessed the Human's appendages go flying off of them because of a brilliant white blade working in unison with a black one. Awestruck, she saw the remaining men fall on their knees and beg forgiveness. The old man then told them to leave the planet because it would soon become a battlefield, and gave them directions to the planet Hapes. Turning to Ori, he informed her that she was to lead them and that if they gave her any trouble at all, she should kill them with a lightsaber he handed to her. Unsure of what to do, Ori had asked why she needed a lightsaber, because she didn't know how to use one. The old man replied that he had provided her with an instruction holocron that would help her learn, as her Force-sensitivity would provide adequate protection from missteps she could suffer. Curious, she had asked him why he had done provided her with these things. He replied that it was the least he could do, because he felt that she was to have a larger role in the future." - Larger role in the future. Nothing unusual there.
"Ichi, who had been listening and wondering the name of the master of Mio at the same time, then asked why that was important now that she knew how to interact with others. Ori then explained that she still couldn't do it, and that she feared distancing herself from the others in some way that greatly offended them. Ichi then replied that she had done nothing to deserve that and neither would she do so in the future. Then, without realizing what he was doing, he reached over and kissed her. Surprised and a little embarrassed, Ichi began to apologize when she gave him another. The moment was ruined, though, because of a proximity alert from the bridge: they had been followed by the Returners, and they wanted revenge." - Classic; the two lovers share a moment before being interrupted by the sudden and unexpected arrival of the enemy.
- "Rushing to the bridge, Ichi and Ori found that the Heart of a Hutt was surrounded by over six enemy vessels. - the crew had become deeply demoralized and feared that there wasn't a hope for salvation." - Per usual.
" Before anyone else could react, the two ghosted off of the ship and the sensors began picking up an unknown object began to decloak off to port. Renton and Eureka had brought the Nihr'Vash to help them in the search. The crew could only watch in amazement as the "outdated" robot took on six ships three times its size and vanquished them all in a battle lasting a fraction of twenty-five minutes. Noting that he would kill Renton for not revealing that he had the Nihr'Vash with him the whole time, Ichi let out a sigh of relief. Renton and Eureka ghosted back on board the Heart of a Hutt and Pibbe told the navigations manager to resume a course to Bespin." - I think my eyes just glazed over. What was the point of that?
- "Ichi was blocked from his target by the leader of the Jedi there. The man announced himself as Sartat Kenobi Solo and told Ichi Go and the others that they could not allow the Avenging Sons to interfere with the True Leaders of the Way." - Just when I think nobody could ever think of such a ridiculous name for an organization.
"Aizen chuckled, and said that the "learnings" of Nathaniel Kenobi Solo were what had kept the order alive for as long as it did." - Does the galaxy never cease to kiss the great Kenobi Solo's arse?
- "Locating Imbel in the Force, all six of them ghosted out of the room." - When you can teleport anywhere whenever you want, that solves lots of potential story problems, doesn't it?
"Approaching the Followers of Bogan's ships, the six Jedi were almost forced off the platform because of the immense pressure resonating from the leader of the Sith." - What exactly was the leader doing that caused the pressure? "Darth Ambitieux, the leader, applauded their resolve and told them it was futile, because while he was a wannabe Sith Lord, they would never hope to be able to defeat him in combat. The six of them then ignited their lightsabers and launched themselves towards their opponents. Instead of fighting, Ambitieux merely watched, somewhat curious as to whether or not the six Jedi fighting his forces were the ones that had fought his people on Tianascalve. He also wondered if five of them had been the ones who were the legendary ones who lived their lives for fifty years and then slept. Closely noting that they did indeed have very similar characteristics to the stories he had heard of, Ambitieux called off his men." - Why do his musings have any affect on the orders he gives to his men?
- "Surprised that the fighting had stopped abruptly yet again, Ichi and the others awaited to see if it was a ruse. Ambitieux, however, had no such ruse and instead, shockingly, he offered to give them Imbel back, stating that she was of no further use to him as she was now. Sensing that he was sincere, but cynically thinking that he was still a Sith, Ichi asked what he wanted in return. Ambitieux stated that all he wanted was for them to have a safe journey." - This Abitieux chap sounds like an escapee from the bloody loony bin.
"Fearing that the Sith had somehow heard of the Jagare Av Samtliga, they decided that they would mask their ion trail on the journey to Dödsfallvärd." - How did they mask it?
- "the six Jedi sensed the presence of the True Leaders of the Way coming to their location. Deciding that they weren't a threat, they remained on the platform and waited for them to come. Sartat was in the lead, and stopped only when his Jedi had reached Ichi and the others. Noticing his raving sister, he began to try to calm her, but was rebutted. He then insisted that the six Jedi leave and let him handle the issue at hand." - What exactly happened to her? A panic attack?
"all hostilities were ended when a sudden flash of white light had appeared next to Imbel: the Force ghost of Nathaniel Kenobi Solo. Instead of addressing either party that was involved, Nathan merely glared at Imbel, who was still denying that she needed to help the Five out. Ichi tried to talk to Nathan, but he felt a huge pressure prevent him from speaking out. He noticed that Sartat was also experiencing from the same problem as he was." - Why is Nathan's ghost always mucking around with everyone's business?
- "Imbel said that a holocron with information on the planet was rumored to be on the planet Dubrillion." - Where did these rumors come from, and where did they hear of them?
"But before they could begin a true search, they found that a large organization of zealots was already there and were attempting to unearth another valuable object: the lightsaber crystal of Abigaile Jade Kenobi. Ichi, trying to figure out why they were there, asked them. The leader, a Yerma named Hih Fol, explained to them that her organization was called the Exalted Few, as they called themselves, and they were a highly specialized group of people who were not Force-sensitive. They viewed the Force as something that should be given to everyone and Abigaile's Heart was rumored to do so. Ichi Go sarcastically wished them luck and left them alone, taking Mio, Ori, and Renton with him to look for the holocron." - Why does Itchy's group care what the zealots are doing and why does Itchy in particular disapprove?
- "However, the Exalted Few would not let them leave, citing a prophecy that spoke of the ones who could show them the way to the crystal." - Another prophecy?
"Seeing that they were outmatched and outgunned, Ichi decided to cloak Eureka and Aizen and told them to continue searching for the holocron. Eureka and Aizen then went to do so, because they wanted to reach their destination and not get embroiled in yet another conflict. They went towards the Vakavostok continents region, where they had detected high amounts of Force energies." - How exactly did they detect the energies or whatever?
- "Arriving at a huge temple that looked like it had only been built about ten years before they had arrived. As soon as they reached the outer doors, they felt a disturbance in the Force and were met by the Followers of Bogan, who also sought the holocron. Surrounded and with no hope or prayer for survival, Eureka ghosted Aizen to a secluded room that was beneath their feet." - Dues ex machina. Sort of.
"Realizing that the Sith had located them, they rushed to find the holocron, which had been placed in the middle of the room. It activated and a tall Rutsenafo figure then recited the coordinates needed to find the deathworld. After that, the holocron was shut down and whisked away by Darth Ambitieux, who had been watching in the corner for an opportunity to strike. Before Ambitieux could get away, he was met by Ichi Go and the rest of the Five and Imbel, who were followed by the Exalted Few and the Krayt Killers." - Wait a minute. How did Ichi and the others find them?
- "In the battle, Hih was able to escape and used the distraction as a way to locate Abigaile's Heart, which she felt was in there. Finding the place where the holocron once stood, she checked it for an inscription or some other clue as to where the crystal could be located. Finding an inscription, she noted that it was written in Bartokk and quickly deciphered it" - In the middle of a battle? With no chance of getting stabbed in the back or anything like that?
"Just then, a stirring was made inside the stone that housed the crystal and it was released from its hiding place. Grasping the stone with glee, Hih stated to all the Jedi, Sith, and others there that she was now the ruler of the Galaxy." - Ruler of the galaxy? Is this woman high or something?
- "She then began to think of their destruction and was astonished when it didn't work. Dumbfounded, she was met with even more laughter." - Is there a point to this?
"Furious that her life had been a lie, Hih then activated a thermal detonator and said that none of them would get out of their alive. In response, Eureka ghosted the thermal detonator out, which caused much more laughter." - Okay, this is just stupid.
- "Luckily, though, Eureka stated that she had eidetic memory and knew the exact coordinates they needed to use to get to the deathworld. Using the Force to increase their hyperspace speed, the Jedi were prepared to battle to the death." - Force Ultrahyperspace? Cool!
- Nathan then went on a long, drawn out monologue, so that he could bring everything to light." - Reminds me of this article, except without anything being brought to light.
- "He told of how he, after learning of the future from the Diary of Crie Krobos" - How did he find the Diary?
- "had decided to help the madman's plans continue, as he felt that he had actually gotten things right for once." - Had "gotten things right" for once? What does that mean?
- "Nathan continued and went on about how he had discovered the still sleeping Jagare Av Samtliga several decades ago on Dödsfallvärd" - Why was Nathan on the planet in the first place?
- "and had determined that he would be unable to prevent its coming and that the Five Who Would Save would be the only method of the creature's execution. Patiently, Nathan waited for a chance to make it look like he had died, which would inspire the Five to act quicker to find their goals, but would also form a sort of mental block on Ichi, who rarely did anything without Nathan's advice. Nathan knew that this would impede their progress and that they would spend their years in hibernation until he decided it was time to act." Bhwuh?
- "Over the years, Nathan had started a secret organization whose sole purpose was to follow whatever he told them to do. Nathan paused for a moment, looked at Mio, and then asked if everything was in readiness. Mio smirked and said that it was. Ichi then demanded to know what was going on. Nathan chuckled and revealed that he had set them up with Mio specifically, because he knew Mio, being his Nonpareil Knight of the Secret Conversations with the Faraway, would help the Five to the Deathworld without as many problems. Further explaining himself, Nathan said that he had instructed Mio to get his agents out of the various factions that fought for control over the Galaxy and to send them to the Deathworld, so that they could help the Five complete their mission. Content that he had explained himself fully, Nathan then returned to his monologue, ready to get rid of the last portions of his grandiose plan." - I don't think I can take this much longer.
- "Restarting where he left off, Nathan told of the Avenger's Knights and then went to his manipulations of Ori and Aizen, stating that the two he had just mentioned needed those years of isolation and soul-searching to finally become what he needed them to be. He also thanked Aizen for not giving up the story and that his part had been well-played. Nathan then went into detail of how Krobos had specifically given each of them a weapon to be used in the battle. To Ichi, he had given the Force-imbued Zangetsu, so that the Destroyer of All would face the power of the light striking against it. To Eureka and Renton, he had given them the Nihr'Vash, which could hit the Sithspawn from places it could not reach, giving them an advantage in battle. To Ori, he had given the Shun-Shun-Rikka, knowing that the device had tremendous power of the dark creations of the Sith. Finally, to Gloed and, eventually, Aizen, Krobos had arranged for them to find ways to learn Sith alchemy, from which the Jagare Av Samtliga was formed." - It's a classic "too f***ing much to understand any part of it" conspiracy.
- "Those weapons combined, the creature would stand no chance, but only if the Five worked in unison and knew everything about themselves." - ...knew everything about themselves? What's that supposed to mean?
- "However, if the Five were to cast the message Nathan had given to them aside and still confront the creature, the Galaxy was doomed to die in a horrible onslaught that would kill trillions of undeserving people." - Why? What makes this thing so freaking dangerous? Can it fly through freaking space?
- "It was now their time to choose their path: whether they would listen and forgive Nathan for his actions, or they could choose to disregard it and hate him for what he had done. Ichi answered before anyone else, stating his opinion that if he knew where Nathan was hiding right now, he'd kill him, but he then apologized, saying that he knew that Nathan was only trying to help." - Once again Itchy exhibits his schizophrenic tendencies.
- Good freaking gravy, this is the second time you've had dozens of events revealed to be part of an enormous one-man conspiracy! Does this mean that both of these conspiracies were set in motion by another character with another conspiracy?
"Rising from the ground came forth a large creature of unimaginable size." - If you ever imagined this thing's size, then that description is automatically inaccurate.
- "In its teeth was Darth Ambitieux, who had fallen victim to the Sithspawn he had unearthed in his crazed attempt to rule the Galaxy." - How would this thing help him rule anything?
"Ichi then told the others to get their gear ready, because the battle was about to begin." - Wouldn't it be safer to just bomb the shit out of the thing from orbit?
- "Pibbe quickly called for an aerial assault, but she found out that the Returners had joined up with the Followers of Bogan and that the Sith had been overtaken by a new master: Darth Novusorsa. Without support from above, it looked bleak for the Five, but" - How does there being another Sith leader prevent bombardment?
"several new ships began to pour into the Dödsfallvärd system: those that bore the markings of the Avenging Sons. The new ships began to attack the Returners and Followers of Bogan, allowing Nihr'Vash and Heart of a Hutt to reach the besieged Jedi. Leading the charge was Sartat, who had had a change of heart and decided to actually listen to his ancestor's words." - Everyone the main character has met thus far who is still alive joins him to fight the evil. Come on.
- "After an assault by the Nihr'Vash and Heart of a Hutt, the Five discovered that the creature was nearly invulnerable and that the strafes were basically useless." - Why? Does it have armor? A shield? Is it invisible? Is it a decoy?
"Ichi asked Nathan to come out and help them. Nathan replied that he would come only as a last resort and that they were nowhere near that yet." - Why does he need to come only as a last resort?
- "Nathan then dropped a subtle hint about the Jagare Av Samtliga, saying that it was just a shell for something else. Puzzled, Ichi asked Aizen what he could mean, to which Aizen replied that he didn't know. Aizen then remarked that the creature could be a vessel for holding a much smaller creation. Nathan seemed to smile at this and offered another hint: Derriphan." - Why can't Nathan just help directly?
"In response to the answer, Aizen began to tell Ichi Go to bring out Zangetsu, as it was the only way they could stop the monstrosity. Curious, Ichi asked what he meant. Aizen explained that the Derriphan was a Sithspawn that was used by the ancient Sith to devour their enemy's memories, thoughts, and lives. Obviously, thanks to many years of work by a Sith alchemist, the Derriphan that inhabited the body of a Leviathan had grown to allow itself to consume entire worlds of beings." - If it could consume worlds of beings... then why were they alive to contemplate that fact? Besides, destroying all life on a planet isn't anything an ISD can't do. What gives?
- "If they let the creature go, then every being in the Galaxy would be consumed by its insatiable hunger." - ...unless it can't fly through space on its own, which case it's stuck on that planet for good.
"Ori and Aizen then combined his knowledge of alchemy and the Shun-Shun-Rikka to form a large concentration of deadly energy, while Eureka and Renton moved the Nihr'Vash to fire at the exact spot. Both let loose a fury that rocked the ground beneath them. Their intended target had been hit and a large hole was now a part of the Leviathan." - How can a hole be "part" of something?
- Rushing, Eureka and Renton moved the Nihr'Vash towards the wounded creature, while Ichi leaped from the robot and fell inside the beast." - Wait a minute. You're using a freakin' giant robot?
"His trek found him in the belly of the beast, where a large black starlike orb stared back at him." - How can something without a face stare at someone?
- "However, a bearded Human figure soon showed up by Ichi Go's side. He told the beast that what he had tried to finish years ago would end now with the power that he lacked. Acting as a barrier, the Human specter told Ichi to use Zangetsu before it was too late and his powers dwindled. Ichi then impaled the orb, causing a massive chain reaction, and he blacked out." - Suspense.
"Ichi Go woke up an hour later to find that he was being attended to by Ori and several healers in the Avenging Sons. He asked what had happened, but he was told to rest by Ori, who said that he had suffered a concussion from his exploits." - A concussion? That's it?
- "With a sigh, Nathan asked one more favor from the Five. He asked if they would remain on Dödsfallvärd to watch over the Derriphan, so that it could never get free and no one would use it for their own ends ever again." - Huh? You said it would be trapped forever in the sword. Why not just shoot it into a sun or something?
Part V: Revoke Status?
The Worst Story Ever Written
The Sommoll Family
While I consider it highly debatable as to whether the Sommoll family was one of the richest and greatest ever, one thing is clear to me: They fancy themselves as favoring style over substance, but forfeit both.
Who are they? They're a really big family with a majority of its members being affiliated with an organization known as the Order of the Midi-Knights. While the name may sound remarkable in the goofiness factor, "Midi-Knight" is not that much more ridiculous than the Gray Jedi, Jedith, or any other orders of its ilk. It's basically a textbook example of the undeveloped fan writer's mind that wants an order of good guys who aren't Jedi, but can use the dark side without being corrupted by it, thereby making them better than Jedi thanks to plot favoritism. Oh, and just about every single one of them is a Brazillian model (or Keanu Reeves).
There are currently about fifty members of this family. Out of those fifty, more than half are women. Out of that number, all but two of them are portrayed by pictures of really hot chicks. This in and of itself isn't necessarily something to object to per se, but that's all there is to it. The author apparently couldn't be bothered to write a backstory even one paragraph long for more than five of them. Why is this even here? I don't see a storyline.
It's not the first time someone's gone to Maxim magazine and other such places for images to use for fanon characters, but at some point it just gets ridiculous. There is no plot or effort expended here. Why even bother making fifty articles? Why not just put a "Gallery of chicks" section on your userpage and save the space? It would be more honest, that's for sure. One thing this family reminds me of is the Reaver War, a collection of approximately twenty-six gajillion battle articles which all say the same damn thing except for planet names.
Another thing this reminds me of is the time "Saber throw-off" (a piss-poor FA that's long gone now) was on the main page, and someone vandalized it by replacing the main image with a JPEG that depicted three-way lesbian action, if memory serves me. My point? The difference between tits being directly visible and tits not being directly visible holds no power over the difference between a regular picture and someone's jerk-off material.
Short for Electrosignetic Caphsronis Hectron Obenexer, according to the article.
If dictionary.com's suggestions for misspelled/nonexistent words are to be trusted, then the proper name for this device would in fact be the Electrokinetic Casuarinas Hectoring Ebenezer.
Uh... Mr. Darthrevan345, you do realize that Stang is an in-universe cuss word, right?
Commander Fuck, the time has come. Execute Order 66.
The Undead Rampage and Reformation
On June 24 (my birthday) of 2010, a piece of fiction called The Undead Rampage and Reformation was put up for deletion. Like any good man, I decided to read the thing that was up for deletion in order to determine whether its imminent destruction was just. I read the article and was blown away. However, I knew that there was no way to prevent the page's deletion, so I chose instead to immortalize it here. Feast your eyes on The Undead Rampage and Reformation!
Clearly, this story's quality in terms of story strength and straight-up awesomeness far exceeds most of the work on this site - even my own story, River, which was voted a runner-up for Best Story in the SWF Short Story Contest of 2009 and later showcased on the home page as a Featured Work in March of 2010. I could never let a gem such as this pass away. Vilxi, you may be too young to understand this now, but later you will: I stand in defense of and respect for your work. I salute you, sir. -MPK, Free Man 16:22, June 24, 2010 (UTC)
Star Wars: The Real Empire Saga
Main Article: User:MPK/The Real Empire Saga
An ongoing series being written by Station7 of SWFanon. I haven't read all of it, but my gut tells me that it may be gone before it can be finished and I must not let it be lost to the ages. -MPK, Free Man 03:01, July 9, 2010 (UTC)
The Corusant Chronicles
Main Article: User:MPK/The Corusant Chronicles
Main Article: User:MPK/Jedi Legends
Jedi Legends is the name of a trio of custom-made campaigns that were released for Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds, and was highly praised at that game's section of the website called Heavengames, where it was released and is still hosted. It was a very long time ago, but the story is so rock-stupid that I felt it was justified (sort of) to rant about it on IRC anyway. -MPK, Free Man 03:55, July 22, 2011 (UTC)
Darth Hatrex: No Introduction, this Article Speaks for Itself
Darth Hatrex was born Helmat Sleesev. A man who was the son of Jerry Sleesev and a sarlacc who fell in love with him after he fell into it one day. Helmat became the sith lord Darth Hatrex. He began a reign of terror throughout the galaxy by building the most worst superweapon known to spacekind the Astro Windmill which was environmentally friendly as it used re-newble solarwinds to blow planets into there suns. He also darkfriended gangrox massmurder a plasma-whale bounty hunter.
Personality and Traits
Darth Hatrex because of his half-sarlacc species looked human except he was fifteen foot tall and had a circle of fangs and retractable tentacles and could eat anything. He replaced his eyes with miniature death stars controlled by brillions of nannymachines and his hands with powerful red lightfingers so that he could block lightsabers and stab people with his bare hands. He wore a hood and a black clock on his back and his shoe size was 18.
Talents and Abilitees
Darth Hatrex, because of his half-sarlacc species, looked Human except he was fifteen feet tall and had a circle of fangs and retractable tentacles, making him capable of eating anything. He replaced his eyes with miniature Death Stars controlled by billions of nano-machines and his hands with powerful red lightfingers so that he could block lightsabers and stab people with his bare hands. He wore a hood and a black clock on his back and his shoe size was 18.
MPK's Commandments of Fanon Writing
The Commandments of Fanon Writing are a number of rules and guidelines that I do my best to follow when I write. There may be a lot of them, but I think most of them aren't unreasonable. Most of them are drawn up based on observations of canon (such as the six movies of the Star Wars saga), while others are mostly drawn from common sense (like the one in regards to KOTOR Dark Side Syndrome). Keep in mind that if a given fan work breaks some of these rules, I won't automatically write it off as bad. As Grand Admiral Thrawn once said, "All thoughts are worth listening to, whether later to be judged of value or not." It is far from the truth to say that it is necessarily imperative that all of these guidelines and rules are followed, but I firmly believe that these commandments are invaluable tools to have when striving for excellence. Of course, how closely the Commandments of Fanon Writing are to be followed and how seriously they are to be taken is up to the reader, so treat them as you will.
- No Force-wielder can be immune to the corruption brought on by exposure to locations tainted by the dark side, use of the dark side's powers, or any immoral actions (therefore, the Potentium is a lie).
- If there is a Jedi character that survives the Clone Wars, then that character must die in the execution of Order 66, in the Jedi Purge afterward, or alternatively be captured in the Purge afterward. If there are three Jedi, then two of them must die in Order 66; If there are four or five, then at least three must die; et cetera.
- No Force-wielder can control a government solely because he or she is a Force wielder.
- No Jedi or other type of Force-wielder can defeat a clearly stronger foe merely because they are on the light side.
- No member of the Jedi Order should have romantic relations with another individual without repercussions.
- Any character who is a Sith Lord or Dark Jedi should quickly gain a sense of discretion. For example: An Inquisitor named Jerec is walking down the streets of a city on Ord Mantell. A beggar approaches him and asks for some money. Jerec does not draw his lightsaber and kill the man. Instead, he ignores the weak fool. If the man continues to bother him, Jerec will use a Force push to knock him onto his arse and keep walking without breaking stride. In short, Jerec does not suffer from the KOTOR Dark Side Syndrome; all Dark Side characters should follow his example. However, if a dark-sided character is reasonably inexperienced, having him murder a civilian, lone thug, or other potential irritant in a public/semi-public area can be made to be believable if reasonable consequences/repercussions occur (such as a number of bystanders noticing and calling law enforcement, forcing the dark-sider to hide).
- If there must be any Sith after the death of Palpatine, then there must be only one dynasty of Sith. Any more is just being redundant and makes a mockery of Anakin Skywalker's supposed "balancing" of the Force.
- No Force-sensitive should learn any techniques too easily, because doing that makes Force powers weaker than they should be. For example, Force lightning is a very destructive power, and should not be usable by anyone without plenty of experience and practice in the mysteries of the Force. This rule should apply to a point for all Force powers, more strongly with some than others. For another example, while Force telekinesis is learned easily enough, a person still must be trained by someone else in order to learn it. Similarly, a technique such as Force Destruction should not be available to anyone who does not have a strong command of the dark side, just as to use the power to absorb Force lightning with one's bare hands (as demonstrated by Yoda) requires a strong command of the light side. Powers like Absorb (on the level that Yoda does it) and Destruction require one to have a lot of experience, raw Force strength, and training if applicable.
- A Jedi character should not be able to use a dark side power without being affected by it. Likewise, a dark side character should not be able to draw on a light side ability easily; Force heal should exhaust a Dark Jedi's Force reserve more than Force Drain, and vice versa.
- Jedi and Sith holocrons must not be overpowered; a Jedi, Dark Jedi, or Sith cannot considerably boost their power in a short period of time just because they have a holocron. Contrary to popular belief, a holocron is, in a way, a holographic teacher, which one needs to take time to study under like a real teacher, rather than a dues ex machina.
- No author-made character can be smarter than a canon character for no reason; for example, the author's interpretation of Revan or the Jedi Exile cannot have greater knowledge, wisdom or power than the Jedi High Council simply because the author might want them to.
- No character should be favored by the author for no good reason.
- No droid can wield the Force. Ever.
- Fan fiction writers absolutely cannot write romance and should not attempt to. Ever.
- Virtually all clone trooper characters must obey Order 66, whether they are ARC troopers, Commandos, or army Commanders. Any dissidents must be eventually killed by the Empire at some point afterward. The same is to apply to any stormtroopers, even though stormtroopers are trained to have droid-like loyalty with no exceptions.
- No clone trooper characters should give a flying bantha shiΓ about Mandalorian culture. They should not speak Mando'a and shouldn't have Mando'a nicknames. No exceptions.
- If you're making a story that involves the execution of Order 66, don't do what Traviss did in her novel of the same name. Then again, there are lots of things in that "book" that you shouldn't do, but what I'm referring to is her point of the clones deciding to carry out Order 66. The truth is that they had no choice - they were physically incapable of disobeying the Order if it was confirmed. Otherwise, event their creation makes no sense.
- Fleet and starship capabilities must be consistent and believable. A single group of starfighters or bombers can never single-handedly disable any capital ship with the offensive and defensive capabilities of an Imperial-class Star Destroyer, and even a Strike-class medium cruiser would be practically suicide unless they have support of some kind. Hell must freeze over before said starfighter squadron can challenge any vessel in the Star Dreadnaught class. The writer must also remember that virtually all capital ships, including Star Destroyers, possess guns capable of targeting fighters, and therefore are not helpless against bombers as depicted in several faulty sources such as the game Empire at War. The strength of Executor-class Star Dreadnaughts and similar starships must never be underestimated, underpresented, or scaled down for any reason whatsoever. Such vessels can only be destroyed by sustained attacks from entire fleets; they cannot simply be destroyed by any would-be Kyle Katarn imitators; they have no magic primary target which destroys the ship if neutralized. The no-sabotage rule should be followed by virtually all other capital ships as well.
- No criminal empires, no matter how large, can stand against the might of the Imperial Fleet. The reason the Zann Consortium, Black Sun, and Hutt Cartel survived for so long is not because they somehow possessed a fleet capable of challenging or mounting a prolonged defense against a galaxy-spanning empire; rather, they survived because they stayed out of the Empire's way whenever they could (Black Sun, in fact, was deliberately tolerated by Emperor Palpatine). Criminal organizations should work in secret to spread influence, and should seldom use overt military force against much larger governments.
- No mentally disturbed Evil Mastermind-wannabes should ever gain command over a large military force which he or she will just piss down the drain in a single battle.
- Adolf Hitler must never be elected President of the United States.
- Unless you have a very original idea for one which you know that nobody else has tried before, superweapons should be kept out of your stories. Period. Typically, the closest thing to a superweapon should be an Executor-class Star Dreadnaught or another such equivalent, and even those should be used sparingly.
- Face the fact that a lot of canon is Σhit. Don't be afraid to overwrite something stupid if necessary.
- For every fandom that has a fanfic "community", there will be at least one girl who writes the villains of the actual story as the heroes and the heroes as the villains. Don't be that girl.
- Force-users CANNOT use the Force to absorb damage from laser fire, grenade explosions, or shrapnel flying into their heads, or anything else like that. Period. Force Protection is a stupid-ass gameplay thing that was put in Jedi Academy and people took it too seriously. Darth Vader did not use the Force to absorb Han Solo's shots in Episode V; his hand is made of solid freakin' metal and his armor provides limited protection from even lightsaber strikes. If he "absorbed" the bolts, then they wouldn't have exploded against his hand like when they hit walls, and if they had no effect, then his hands certainly would not be smoking as he catches the gun and puts it down.
- If you're going to have any Sith other than Palpatine and his apprentices living during the time of the movies, especially ones with the Darth title, then you'd better have a bloody good reason for it.
- If your character or government needs a Star Dreadnaught or warship of similar proportions, then use a class that already exists, especially if the faction in question is related to the Galactic Empire. Canon has been very generous in regards to Star Dreadnaughts - it gave us the Executor-class, Eclipse-class, Sovereign-class, and Mandator-classes. It would be best to use one of those if you want a ship on that scale as a flagship. If you absolutely must come up with a unique ship/ship class (like for a faction that isn't Imperial-related), then don't make it significantly more powerful or larger than the Executor-class ships, because it just looks redundant and unnecessary. That class should set the upper limit for size and power of warships. And don't pull the Eclipse-class out of your hat to argue with, either - the thing's half a kilometer shorter than the Executor. There have been many fan-made Imperial warships which dwarf Eclipse and Executor-class ships in size and firepower - literally dwarfs them in the same way that the Executor dwarfs the Victory-class. If you're wondering whether having such gigantic vessels is ridiculously impractical, then just think about it. Trying to crew a vessel that's longer than the first Death Star's size in diameter would be a logistical nightmare. If you're going to make a new big ship, keep it tame.
- Don't do any fanon writing. Ever.
Below is a working, subject-to-revision list of fanfic material that I'm interested in doing anything with in the future.
- Standard Dramatic Reading of Star Wars: The Real Empire - Status: Completed, but disappeared from YouTube AND my computer, so likely lost FOR-EVAHR ;(
- Standard Dramatic Reading of Star Wars: Glory Warrior in Methaphor Dreams - Status: Likely Not Gonna Happen
- Standard Dramatic Reading of Wanted: Luke Skywalker - Status: Pending Approval
- Standard Dramatic Reading of The Corusant Chronicles - Status: Pending Approval and Access to Appropriate Medications
- Full-Blown Review of KotOR fanfic Prophet, Thing of Evil - Status: Completed
Last updated 23:06, July 17, 2016 (UTC)