Max... I'm not Han Solo. Okay? And you're not Luke Skywalker. There's no Empire, and there's no Force, and there's no dark side, okay? You're just an ordinary kid and so am I, and maybe nobody ever lives happily ever after, all right?! So just... just stay away from me. Far away.
—Kevin, SpaceCamp, 1986
Hello. I am an introductory paragraph, and it is my joy and burden to welcome you to the userpage of MPK, SWFanon's Memelord. Though I have written things here and am in fact working on a story when I have time, I'm much more notorious on here as a critic and a producer of navel-gazing essays and rants than I am of actual prose. I don't really write articles much anymore, but I do stalk the Recent Changes and/or the Chat Room from time to time. Also, I'm not that smart about technical issues, so if you have questions about infoboxes or something, I suggest you talk to our welcoming committee. -MPK, Memelord of the Sith
Regarding My Articles & Other Writings
It is, however, a relief to turn from that topic to another story that I never wrote. Like every book I never wrote, it is by far the best book I have ever written.
—G. K. Chesterton, The Everlasting Man
Back in the day I wrote a bunch of articles on this site, having to do with the so-called "Dark Order Continuity." It was a storyline I never completed, which started with the non-canonical dark side ending of Jedi Academy and spun out into space from there. On the side, I wrote some prose fanfics, all of them set in the Old Republic era. All of these articles and stories dating from before November of 2019 are to be considered out-of-date and therefore not entirely representative of my present and current self, much less of my true, great, grand, perfect vision of How Star Wars Actually Ought To Be.™
In the unlikely event that one might possibly care, the fanfic project which I am very lazily working on now is an untitled series which begins with the non-canonical dark side endings of both Knights of the Old Republic games and splits off into its own storyline, ignoring the rest of the old Expanded Universe continuity.
You'll find them both listed below, each with a very concise summary. -MPK, Free Man 19:22, January 8, 2020 (UTC)
The Older Stories
- River (Oct. 2009): A lone Jedi in flight from the Sith is taken in by the inhabitants of a far-flung settlement, who must then suffer the fallout of the war between light and dark. (Sort of heavy-handed.)
- Through Glass (Dec. 2010) - After the events of KotOR I, a redeemed Revan ventures into the tomb of Ludo Kressh, where she faces visions of the past, present, and future. (Sort of the beginning of a series that never got off the ground.)
- Legends of the Jedi: Burning Bright (Jan. 2011): During the Pre-Republic Era a lone Jedi leads an insurrection against the Mandalorians on Malachor V while wrestling with his own inner demons. (The first of a series I had planned, focused on telling Jedi stories set early in galactic history. Kind of a downer, all things considered.)
- Legends of the Jedi: The Beast of Rutan (May 2011): A Jedi and his disciple hunt down an unseen terror on a remote world. (Kind of a horror story, though that wasn't specifically what I was going for.)
- Legends of the Jedi: Your Weapon, Your Life (Jun. 2012): A Jedi apprentice is given his Force-imbued blade and must prove his worthiness to hold it. (Pretty light-hearted, compared to the last two.)
- The Betrayer (Apr. 2017): A novelization of the final act of KotOR II, following a dark-sided female Exile. (Ill-conceived and much longer than it needed to be. Frankly, skip over this one.)
- Legends of the Jedi: The Nine Masters (May 2017): A short tale from the early days of the Jedi, attributing a mythical origin to the modern Jedi Code.
Untitled KotOR 3 Series
I never thought I'd ever have to say "stop writing so much" to you of all people.
- Critical Points (Dec. 2019) - A series of incidents scattered throughout the events of KotOR II, serving as a character piece about Meetra Surik and why she turns to the dark side of the Force. (Chronologically the first entry in the series. Basically a hard rewrite or replacement of The Betrayer, and hopefully a much better piece of work.)
- Torchbearer (Nov. 2019) - A novel, beginning the tale of a Lost Jedi Padawan as she is mixed up in a mission to stall the coming invasion of the true Sith. (Follows a mix of original characters and familiar ones from the games.)
- Meetra Surik - "Zombie" by The Cranberries
- Atton Rand - "Bringin' On the Heartbreak" by Def Leppard
- Kaevee - "The Golden Age" by Woodkid
Let's Play SWGB: Jedi Legends
- Let's Play SWGB - Jedi Legends (Slightly Updated and Revised, in a Zipped Bundle of .PDFs [And I Hope the Link Works)]
The Star Wars Sequel Trilogy Is the Official Adaptation of Star Wars Legends: Change My Mind, Schutta
The Whole Trilogy
- Kylo Ren: The offspring of Han and Leia who is trained as a Jedi by Luke, then falls to the dark side - Jacen Solo as seen in New Jedi Order, Legacy of the Force, etc.
- First Order: Decades after the Battle of Endor, the main threat in the galaxy is a collection of incompetent knockoff Imperials, influenced or led by a couple of knockoff Sith Lords, and their fiendish plans incorporate a cartoonish over-reliance on gimmicky technology and superweapons (most of which are very large and very fragile Big Guns) - the Imperial Remnant, and too many dark-siders and superweapons in too many sources to list
- Armitage Hux: Prominent wannabe-Imperial military leader with red hair who can't tell his ass from a hole in the wall - gender-flip of Natasi Daala
Episode VII: The Force Awakens
- Starkiller Base: Imperial superweapon capable of destroying target planets from anywhere in the galaxy - the Galaxy Gun as seen in the Dark Empire trilogy
- New Republic: A benevolent galactic government whose sole competency is being outsmarted, beaten, and humiliated by its enemies - the New Republic as seen in New Jedi Order and far too many other sources to list
- Rey: "Forget years (or months, or days, or hours) of training, practice, and discipline. I found a lightsaber in a garage and that means I know how to swordfight and use Force powers!" - Kyle Katarn as seen in Dark Forces II
Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
- Canto Bight: Opportunity for aesops about such apt and relevant topics as animal rights, and arms dealers being bad people - Whaladons and other related causes as seen in the Jedi Prince series
- Mandator-class, Supremacy, Superlaser siege cannon: Wannabe Imperials still can't break their addiction to giant ships and giant guns, which are prone to getting destroyed in unforeseen/humiliating ways - Basically the entire post-Endor EU; but the fate of Daala's SSD Knight Hammer as seen in Darksaber comes to mind (though to be fair, kudos are in order for the siege cannon for actually working in spite of being stupid)
- General Holdo, I mean the General Holdo, who pulled off that astonishing last-minute victory in the extremely well-known and famous Battle of Onasi's Armpit: Fatally belligerent authority figure whose sole purpose is to make things difficult for the real heroes, ultimately exits stage left via explosive heroic suicide - Borsk Fey'lya as seen in the Thrawn Trilogy, New Jedi Order, etc.
Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
- The Senate Is Back, Baby: And he doesn't give a wad of bantha spit if you'd like to know how - The Senate, as seen in the Dark Empire trilogy
- Exegol: Hidden, super-duper-ominous world where Palpatine stashed a bunch of superweapons - Byss as seen in the Dark Empire trilogy
- Sith Eternal fleet / Xyston-class Star Destroyers: Previously unannounced fleet of planet-destroying capital ships - World Devastators (numerousness) and Eclipse-class Star Dreadnoughts (Star Destroyers armed with superlasers) as seen in the Dark Empire trilogy
- Rey Palpatine: The Senate had a son, allowing his lineage and dark power to be passed down to a grandchild - Triclops/Trioculus and Ken as seen in the Jedi Prince series
- The Senate can attack/destroy enemy starships using Force Lightning - Force storms as seen in Dark Empire
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
MPK's Official List of Good EU Books
- (Listed in Chronological Order)
- Dawn of the Jedi: Into the Void by Tim Lebbon
- The Old Republic: Deceived by Paul S. Kemp
- The Old Republic: Fatal Alliance by Sean Williams
- Star Wars: Darth Plagueis by James Luceno
- Shatterpoint by Matthew Stover
- Yoda: Dark Rendezvous by Sean Stewart
- Labyrinth of Evil by James Luceno
- Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover
- Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader by James Luceno
- The Force Unleashed by Sean Williams
- The Han Solo Adventures by Brian Daley
- Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor by Matthew Stover
- Thrawn Trilogy by Timothy Zahn
- Crosscurrent by Paul S. Kemp
- Riptide by Paul S. Kemp
And Now For Some Star Wars Fanfics That I Don't Hate With The Burning Fiery Passion of a Thousand Suns, In No Particular Order
Whispers of Betrayal by Quiller of fanfic.theforce.net: Apparently written back in 2001, this story is one of many, many fanfics produced by people as their own ideas of what Episode III would/should turn out to be. Set during the early days of the Empire, it concerns a pre-Mustafar Darth Vader as he searches for Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padme, who are in hiding. Surprisingly well-done, WoB places heavy focus on how Vader is being consumed by his hatred for Obi-Wan, his need to have his wife back, and his refusal to accept that the latter has rejected him after his turn to evil. He is shown walking down a bloody path through Jedi and non-Jedi alike, his perceptions further and further twisted by Palpatine's machinations. WoB is actually the second part of a trilogy, but this doesn't make it difficult to read on its own, and I personally prefer it that way. I simply couldn't get myself engaged in the other two; they seem to focus on what Obi-Wan, Padme, and their allies are up to during this time, but I found them paling in comparison to the fleshing out of Anakin's fall and his apprenticeship to the Emperor. Overall, WoB itself is an engrossing but not too heavy read, representing the best of its kind.
A Marine Went to Jedi Camp by Goodwood of SWFanon: A fine piece of work, detailing the Jedi training of Laera Reyolé, the central character of the series introduced in the much shorter Star Wars: Death and Life. AMW2JC, while telling its own story with original characters, succeeds at keeping itself grounded in the "world" of KotOR, and I found it to be a remarkable improvement on Death and Life, which I thought had too little happening in it. Overall the series seems pretty solid and I should get around to reading the rest of it.
Does Not Want To Die by Solatium of fanfic.theforce.net: A short but engaging and eerie character piece, centered around Darth Vader's murder of the Jedi younglings during RotS.
Gnarltree by Persephone_Kore of fanfic.theforce.net: Detailing the origin of the dark-side taint of the cave of Dagobah, this story carries a certain sense of history, and like my own story River has been said to, feels to me like it sort of embodies a core part of the whole "Light vs Dark" aspect of the Star Wars mythos.
Star Wars: Saber Battalion by Goodwood of SWFanon: Just about everything I said about the previous entry in the series applies here, except more so. I might get around to coming up with more to say, but cannot be arsed at this time.
Imparting by Nom Inal of fanfic.theforce.net: Somewhere out in space, there's a planet that's basically the same thing as Ba'ku from Star Trek with an ancient Jedi Master living on it, and as some kind of tradition, every Jedi Master in the Yoda-Dooku-Qui-Gon-Kenobi-Anakin dynasty takes their Padawan there to learn wisdom and to carry fertilizer around. Yet, somehow, it's better than it sounds.
The White Room by Nemesis of fanfic.theforce.net: A short story in which Darth Vader goes back to Kamino to kill a clone of himself made by the Emperor that is no longer needed. Relatively stupid premise and the author's occasional failure to understand Star Wars tech aside, it does provide an engrossing character piece in Vader and the clone argue back and forth about his actions, and it really makes you feel for the clone's plight - and not, by my estimation, in the exploitative wangsty way that you usually get from most people who try to write these characters. It reminds me of Kemp's Jaden Korr novels, in that it proves that Jedi clones are a concept that it is possible to do well.
Forgotten Flowers by GrandAdmiralV of fanfic.theforce.net: 'nother short story in which we see the execution of Order 66 from the perspective of just some random person whose planet is being fought over during the Clone Wars. I'm a bit of a sucker for stories where serious shit happens and the reader knows what it all means, but the narrator doesn't.
The Test of Wills by Julius Sykes: So apparently this guy wrote a novelization of Dark Empire I. And you're not gonna believe this, because I didn't believe it either, but it's really, really good. Sadly, despite devoting several minutes to a diligent search, I've yet to find a working link to the whole story, so you'll have to take my word for it.
Ignite the Stars by Jedi Trace and rhonderoo of fanfic.theforce.net
Surely You Can’t Be Serious: The Life and Times of a Rounding Error by Julius Sykes: A short, amusing tale of underhanded political manuverings in the early days of the Empire.
The Non-Comprehensive List of Star Wars Games That Really Flamingly Obviously Should Have Been Made But Never Were
- A Fourth X-Wing/TIE Fighter series game - Real simple, guys. Just keep the core gameplay, come up with some new single-player campaigns, and add some no-brainer new features - like customizable craft, more ships, atmospheric environments, more multiplayer game modes, and a basic mission editor. BAM. Best seller.
- A Fourth Jedi Knight series game - Seriously, like oh my gosh, Lucasarts. Just oh my gosh. But no, you just had to end the series with Jedi Academy: the expansion pack that tried to pass itself off as a sequel because it had, like, two extra weapons that Jedi Outcast didn't have.
- An Actual Strategy Game With Some Complexity, Resource Management, Diplomacy, and Non-Linear Development of Technology
- A Republic Commando sequel - A first-person shooter from the Empire's POV. Too much to ask, guys?
- The Force Unleashed 2: Good Storyline Edition - Why did you do this shit where we play as the first game's hero's clone? Why didn't you make Kota the hero? That would've kicked ass.
- A Knights of the Old Republic 3 - I guess.
- Star Wars: Bounty Hunter 2 - A Boba Fett game, HELLOOOOO, GUYS?? IS ANYBODY IN THERE?
Quotes from IRC and/or Chat Room
<Atarumaster88> Also, I don't hate MPK. He's the one other soul in this entire place with as much hate in his body as I do, if not more.
- <Freeman_MPK> "Comfort/friendship/angst" - few compound words can make me want to stick a gun in my mouth like that one.
- <Solus|Cheese> :p
- <Solus|Cheese> I don't blame you.
- <Goodwood> Hurt/comfort is just as bad.
- <TrakNar> Obi-torture.
- <Goodwood> Both of those may as well be Friends with Benefits
- <Karohalva> "Hey, it's alright," he said. "I'm here for you. I'm your friend."
- <Karohalva> "But I feel so much...ANGST!" she shouted.
- <Goodwood> And then he stuck his penis in her vagina.
- <Freeman_MPK> And then John was a zombie.
- <Karohalva> "Well, fine," he said, "be like that, bitch," and shot her in the head.
- <Goodwood> XD
- <Solus|Cheese> XD
<Ataru> Nobody appreciates an elementary commentary on plasma physics these days.
<Karo|dead> It's like a home delivery service for your nerd rage, Freeman.
- <Ataru> Solus, try not to melt his [MPK's] brain. I know you enjoy it, but he's more fun when he's coherent.
- <Solus|Cheese> ......but melty brainz are yummy...
- <Ataru> Go melt Brandon's brain.
- <Sakaros>Yeah, I'm not big on Force Teleport either.
- Though, boy, that would've simplified Meetra's job a lot.
- (looks at Storm Beasts)
- (Force-bondeports to the Trayus Core)
“I can see it now. A line in a future Essential Chronology about how the Dark Lord Darth Revan returned to the dark side and was finally defeated by a party of twenty five random adventurers including a Teras Kasi Master, a Rifleman and a Politician.”―Zorrixor of Wookieepedia(?) on a KotOR MMO[src]
[I] would like to state for the record that as [I am] not in possession of a vagina [I am] thus in no position to comment upon its self-stimulation. However, [I have] observed that throughout literature the concept of "taste" is closely interwoven with the practice of verbal inhibition and physical ambiguity. This fails on both accounts.
—Karo, regarding a hideous KotOR fanfic
I am thinking of geometry. Of squares and circles.
Canon apparently. Who am I to argue with the incredible writing of KotOR II.
“...you're a retard.”―A Simulation of Starkiller, as written by some shithead KotOR fic writer
Working List of Atton 'Jaq' Rand Puns
Anyone is allowed to add to this list at his or her leisure. It being the userpage of the Free Man, however, it remains his prerogative to exercise executive editorship oversight.