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Endor
-Find shield generator/attack generator

*Rebel mercenaries move through jungle, arrive at shield generator, followed closely by Han, Leia, C-3PO and R2-D2*

<Han> *whispers* Ok, there’s four guards, by the door. How do we get in?

*Ewok jumps on speeder and takes off. Three troopers follow*

<Leia> *whispers* I think we found our way.

<Rebel Mercenary 2> Attaching silencer...

*Han jumps out and tackles last scout trooper. Trooper kicks Han off and stands, drawing blaster, only to find Rebel Mercenaries right in front of him, weapons raised*

<Han> *gets up* Thank you. Now, we’ve got to get inside.

<Rebel Mercenary 1> There’s a control panel over there, sir. You want me to bypass the alarm system and open the door?

<Han> No, I got it. I took slicing 101 in Smuggler’s Training School.

*goes over to control panel, starts working*

<Leia> Han, have you seen Chewie?

<Han> Ah, he’s around here somewhere.

*alarm sounds*

<Han> Whoa, what’d I do? *looks at panel*

*Rebel Mercenary 1 approaches*

<Rebel Mercenary 1> The red wire goes there, sir, and the blue wire goes there.

*alarm stops, door opens*

<Han> Of course. I knew that.

*enter base*

<Domain officer> You there. What are you doing here?

<Han> Well, uh, you see... *walks over to stormtrooper* Joe, here...

<Frank> My name is Frank.

<Han> Right. Anyway, Frank, here, has a sister. And Frank’s sister, has just had a baby, and they sent me to spread the good news! Champagne for everyone!

<Domain officer> Sounds good! Let’s have a celebration, men! So where’s the champagne?

<Han> Alright, head out the door, turn left. Go for about 30 miles, and you’ll find a big hole. Go around. Once you’re past that, you’ll see a tree that looks like an Ewok. Turn right. Go for another five miles and you’ll find an Ewok that looks like a tree. Turn right. Head that way for about fifteen miles, take a quick left and run 20 more miles. You’ll find a big flat rock with funny pictures on it. Go right for another fifteen miles, the right again for 25 miles. The crates are in the middle of the big hole.

<Domain officer> Alright, let’s go! TK-421 and TK-422, stand guard. We’ll come back with the champagne and celebrate.

<TK-422> Roger that.

*all Domain troopers exit, TK-421 and TK-422 stand guard with their backs to the control room, just outside the shield generator*

<Han> Alright, hand me those charges.

<Leia> So we’re just going to blow the place and leave?

<Han> Pretty much. Like how I evacuated the facility so no one gets hurt?

<Rebel Mercenary 1> Smooth move, Solo. Now pack those charges.

<Han> *grumbles* And of course I get stuck with the work. I make the plan, I set the charges...*points at Leia* You don’t have a plan, *points at Rebel Mercenary* you don’t have a plan. How come no one ever has a plan? */grumble*

*Han sets charges, all leave*

<TK-421> Where you guys headed?

<Han> Oh, we just got a call from the catering company. We’re supposed to deliver 60 pounds of calamari to a wedding.

<TK-421> Calamari? Cannibals!

<TK-422> Calamari is squid, you idiot.

<TK-421> Oh...alright, you guys can go.

*strike team leaves*

<TK-421> I was thinking about those directions...don’t they lead right back here?

<TK-422> I was just thinking the same thing.

*explosion heard. TK-421 and TK-422 turn around*

*camera cuts to view over their shoulders. The only thing left standing is the doorframe they were standing in. Large hole with scattered flaming debris can be seen*

<TK-421> Oh, boy...

<TK-422> You can say that again.

-Luke turns himself in

<Domain officer> Ok, so there’s the tree that looks like an Ewok. Now we turn right.

*Luke jumps down beside Domain officer quietly. Officer turns*

<Domain officer> Aah!

<Luke> I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight! You cannot apprehend me!

<Domain officer> *raises his pistol* *nervously* You...are under...arrest, Jedi?

<Luke> *turns off lightsaber* Ok.

<Domain officer> Really? Wow. I wasn’t expecting that to work. Ok, let’s keep going.

<Stormtrooper> There, sir, the Ewok that looks like a tree!

<Domain officer> Very funny, trooper.

<Stormtrooper> No, seriously. He just winked at me! Permission to shoot him?

<Domain officer> Denied, trooper. Troops, right!

*cut to troops arriving at base*

<Domain officer> TK-421, TK-422, what are you doing at the hole?

<TK-421> It wasn’t a hole a few minutes ago, sir.

<Domain officer> I beg your pardon?

<TK-422> They got the shield generator, sir.

<Domain officer> They stole it? Wow, they must have had one big ship.

<TK-422> No, sir, they didn’t steal it.

<Domain officer> But they why...they didn’t.

<TK-421> Yes, sir, they did.

<Domain officer> TK-421, TK-422, take this man to Lord Vader. The rest of you, find the imposters! The Rebels must pay!

-Battle of Endor (ground)

<Han> There’s the shuttle! We made it!

<Rebel Mercenary 3> Get down!

*three scout troopers fly by on speeder bikes*

<Leia> You just had to open your mouth, didn’t you?

*firefight ensues, stormtrooper reinforcements come*

<Rebel Mercenary 1> Fall back! Find cover!

*firefight continues*

*Ewoks jump out and attack the stormtroopers. Strike team falls back to the shuttle*

<Mercenary 2> We’re outta here.

<Leia> We can’t just leave them!

<Han> We’re not leaving them. We’ll be coming back for the post-battle celebration.

<Leia> But they’re all gonna die! What can a bunch of short, fuzzy creatures with pointy sticks do against the might of the Domain? Even if it is only comprised of a bunch of poor, helpless stormtroopers.

*cut to view through cockpit window: see AT-ST on its side, Ewoks jumping up and down on it, surrounded by stormtroopers all knocked over, without their helmets. Various Ewoks surround them, armed with their own blasters*

<Leia> Ok, maybe they’ve got a handle on it.

Battle of Death Star II
-fleet arrives

<Mon Mothma> Exit lightspeed!

<Dodonna> To the briefing room!

*all exit to briefing room*

<Mon Mothma> *pause* Fine!

*cut to briefing room*

<Dodonna> Alright, people, this is gonna be one of our most difficult challenges. Here’s the plan: we’ll drop out of hyperspace, the capital ships will hold off whatever Star Destroyers the enemy has in the area while the fighters will hold off their TIE fighters. A small task force, led by General Lando Calrissian, the only good-looking guy around, will infiltrate the superstructure of the Death Star, turn off the artificial gravity generator, and escape before the Empire can use the superweapon.

<Mon Mothma> Now can we exit lightspeed?

<Dodonna> Yes.

<Mon Mothma> *clears throat* Exit lightspeed!

-Luke arrives

<Vader> Look, your Rebel friends have arrived. For all the good they’ll do...

<Luke> Wow, you sounded really evil right there.

<Vader> Thank you! Do you really think so?

<Luke> Definitely. But I have one question: why can’t the fleet do anything against the Death Star?

<Vader> Because we have a secret base on Endor that projects an invincible shield that protects this battle station!

<Domain officer> Lord Vader, the report from the shield generator just came in.

<Vader> Go ahead.

<Domain officer> The garrison has been captured and the shield generator destroyed, sir.

<Vader> *turns to Luke* Now that just ain’t fair.

<Luke> Well, it was a good idea while it lasted.

-fighters attack Star Destroyer

*dogfight between several fighters and Super Star Destroyer*

<Red 4> Red 3, you got one on your tail!

<Red 3> I can’t shake him!

<Red 4> I got your back...oops, I missed. You think that big ball thing on top of the bridge was important?

<Red 3> Nah. *TIE fighter hits Red 3* I’ve been hit!

*cut to bridge*

<Piett> Intensify forward firepower!

<Domain sensor operator> Why, sir?

<Piett> No reason, just like saying that.

*cut to cockpit of fighter*

<Red 3> AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

*cut to bridge*

<Domain sensor operator> Do you...hear something?

<Piett> Nope.

*cut to cockpit*

<Red 3> AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

*zoom to external view, A-wing crashes through bridge*

*cut to bridge*

<Domain sensor operator> Wow.

<Piett> That is one big hole.

*cut to cockpit*

<Red 3> I’m...I’m ok!

<Red 4> You made it!

<Red 3> Congratulate whoever designed the armor on these things.

*cut to bridge*

<Domain sensor operator> Wow.

<Piett> When you stop gawking at the hole in the side of our vessel, I need you over here at the helm.

<Domain sensor operator> The helm? Isn’t the helm supposed to be over there? *points*

<Piett> It was…until an A-wing crashed through our bridge. Now it’s here.

<Automated warning voice> Hyperspace engines engaged.

<Domain sensor operator> Sir, I do believe this is a malfunction caused by the helm’s new location…and the lack of connections to control lines.

<Piett> Well thank you, Captain Obvious.

*cut to external view of entire battle*

*Super Star Destroyer jumps to hyperspace*

<Red 4> We did it! The Super Star Destroyer is gone!

<Red 3> Yes, but…where did it go?

<Red 4> Who cares?! It’s gone!

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