Talk: Necasian Military/Archive 1

Images

A typical Necasian soldier

Mass Deletion review

• Bad spelling in lead quote attribution. Also, no periods at the end of quote attributions as a general standard
• No context on Havez or Ranasha. What are they?
• First paragraph could use some rewording; meaning some sentences could be merged for better flow and you could nix some flowery prose. Example: "were swept from the galaxy" – very flowery as it could mean many things. If they were killed, say so. Defeated? Put out of power? Whatever? Say so.
• "Although the Necasian Military defeated them, they lost the quarry, and did not re-establish it." Reword. We're already told they lost the quarry. Instead cut it down to say they won but were unable to re-establish quarry. Also though, possible contradiction: Although they won the battle, how come they couldn't reclaim the quarry? Slaves killed or something? Be clearer in your writing.
• "They were involved in many battles" Who? Restate name, context lost with new paragraph.
• ", he Battle of Hypori," he -> the
• Be consistent; is is Necasian Military or Necasian military. Can't be both. Choose one throughout.
• The entire first sentence/section of the "Organization" paragraph needs to be broken up and reworded properly. Makes almost no sense as it starts out talking about some council to some rebel leader that grammatically has no connection and has no relation to the story so far. Run-ons are bad.
• Reword throughout the rest as well, to be clearer and flow easier. I don't know how else to describe it; your sentences simply don't connect and are very sloppy. Also, lack of context on this Alema fellow.
  • Context is given on her as a 'revolutionary Necasian leader'. Unit 8311^Talk! 11:55, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
• Reword and expand the BTS. If not willing to, then kill it. Otherwise, linking to the so-called "theme" is pointless. As well though, if their theme is 'in-universe', why is it in the behind the scenes section? If it's not in-universe and only OOU, then you need to delete that useless theme article and just state in the BTS what you think/claim/wish the theme to be.
  • This review brought to you by a very disappointed –Victor ^{(talk page)} 07:17, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
• Done. BTW, this isn't my article, just to clarify. Unit 8311^Talk! 11:55, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
  • Two objections still stand. Both are major culprits. The small stuff was taken care of, but the others are the bigger issues; basically, the grammar and sentence structure mentioned above is generally bad, and the BTS point is rather annoying. –Victor ^{(talk page)} 23:48, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
• Fixed any wonky sentences I could find, but I feel the BTS should remain as it is. I don't think we have any specific rule regarding that, and besides, it is related to the OOU development of the article, and is therefore appropiately placed there. Anyway, as this isn't a FA review, I don't feel one debateable point should warrant the delete template to remain. Moving on, do you find the article otherwise satisfactory? Unit 8311^Talk! 18:25, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Actually the theme part of the BTS could be used as a reason for deletion in this, because you have in-universe material in an out-of-universe section. You need to put that in the IU part of the article because it has absolutely nothing to do with the OOU development. - Brandon Rhea ^(talk) 18:35, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

• But it's not in-universe, no more than the Imperial March or the Duel of the Fates would be. Therefore, it does have something to do with OOU development. Unit 8311^Talk! 18:39, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Then the article on it needs some serious updating and clarification. - Brandon Rhea ^(talk) 18:43, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

• Exactly as Brandon said. The "Necasian Military had its own theme" can mean so many things and is not clear at all. Yes, it has a theme; great. Now, is this theme in-universe; like, do they play it like a national anthem? If yes, then that information does not belong in the BTS and instead belongs in the actual article's content, one way or another. If it is a OOU fact/development, then you need to delete the useless theme article and simply state in the article that you (or tom, whatever) believe the theme should be "Insert Song Here". Otherwise, I don't get it, and don't see the point at all. –Victor ^{(talk page)} 19:31, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

• Problem solved the easy way. Does the template now warrant removal? Unit 8311^Talk! 19:41, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
  • After my clean up, yes. –Victor ^{(talk page)} 19:48, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Another review

Introduction:

• “Government” and “Military” are singular, yet you keep using “they” to describe them.
• “Rakatan civilization” - the link takes you to “Rakatan language.” Please correct this.
• “were often forced” - POV.
• “They also possessed large numbers.” - In comparison to what? POV.
• “quasi-fascist Empire” - de-capitalize ‘Empire.’
• “one sole Emperor” - de-capitalize 'Emperor.’
• Get rid of the comma after "Ranasha."
• "They were forced to" - POV.

History:

• Get rid of the History section. It's completely useless.

Organization:

• You're using "they" again.
• "prominent members" - borderline POV. "high-ranking members" would correct this.

This article is horrible. - Brandon Rhea ^(talk) 20:01, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

• Addressed. Unit 8311^Talk! 20:49, 27 July 2009 (UTC)