The booming bass resonated throughout the small club on Coronet, vibrating the very molecules of every structure in the room. Dim red lighting tinted the walls, fading to green and then blue, a cycle consuming the patrons in emotions ranging from lust to envy to peace, reflecting rollercoaster of a tune played. With each pound of the beat, men and women of at least a dozen different species gyrated, pumping their fist, stomping their feet, and swinging to the tempo. Occasionally, a heavily inebriated habitué would spin around in place and topple over from the rush, much to the amusement of their fellow comrades. At the counter, the bartender served drinks, mixing flavors and throwing concoctions into the air to the rhythm of the music.
In the background, in a corner booth where the flashing lights barely hit, Labon Sweef leaned his back against the synthetic material of the seats and laid his hands on the table. Labon was just above average height for a man of his stature. His arms were strong, his shoulders broad. His square jaw protruded from his short neck, just above his large Adam’s apple. He was built like a wall, solid and immovable. His squinted, dark eyes scanned the dance floor, the bar, the other booths around him, and concluded he was “invisible”. No one knew, or cared whether he was there. It was the way he preferred. He enjoyed being alone.
"he mountain range was located just on the far side of the planet, were frigid cold was the only temperature, as opposed to the opposite side where extreme heat thrived." For one, the "were frigid cold" seems to have some weird verbage. For two, it seems implausible that one side of a mountain range would have such an immediate and vast temperature gap from the rest of the land. I can understand a magnified rain shadow effect, but this implies that there's a very sharp temperature gradient just across the mountains, which is stretching my suspension of disbelief. If such a temperature gradient did occur, one would expect extreme weather phenomena across it.
I’ve corrected the weird verbage. It was missing an "h" in the "were" to make "where" instead. As far as the temperature shift goes, it is based off of research found here, which states, “Troiken was tidally locked so that half the planet was extremely hot, half was freezing, and only a narrow band around the equator was agreeable for humanoid life. The terrain in this band was taken up by mountains and dense forests.” I know that this is true on the Moon, however, the drastic temperature difference is at the terminator line and is due to a lack of substantial atmosphere. I took the information in good faith that it was accurate, as I have not been able to get my hands on a copy of the source material. I’ll try to give a better explanation to this anomaly. It may be a little bit as I’m going to be busy this weekend. I’ll try to get on that first thing next week. --Tesh162 19:37, November 3, 2011 (UTC)
I'm familiar with tidally-locked systems, though IRL they differ considerably from the Wook's description. Silly canon. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:26, November 4, 2011 (UTC)
So, I saw that you went ahead and struck this objection, but I figured I would let you know that I tried to explain the anomaly. It may be a stretch and may be unnecessary, but I figured I would give it a shot. -- Tesh162 02:15, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
"Peaking three kilometers above the surface, the entrance point hit two and a quarter kilometers, the altitude adding to the freeze settling into their bones." Choppy, run-on sentence.
This story could really do with some more context on the Stark Hyperspace War, for readers who aren't as familiar with it.
I felt rushed writing the story cause I wanted to get it out in time for the contest, which in hind sight was not a smart move. Because of the rush, my research was not as thorough as I would have liked, which means there was not a lot of context. I will get working on creating more context. Like above, it may take a little while, though. --Tesh162 19:37, November 3, 2011 (UTC)
Well, I got to it sooner than I thought I would. I added what I felt were the key events of the war that led up to what happens in the story. I've read over it a couple times, but you might want to review it for grammar as well as context. -- Tesh162 02:15, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
The only edits I'm seeing on the story are from 3 November and do not reflect this. Did you forget to save it into the actual SWF version? Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:22, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
Well, that was interesting. I thought for sure I had saved it to the SWF version, but obviously not. Anyway, I've added the changes now. They should be there this time. --Tesh162 23:09, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
"Stark’s crew to one day buy his bail and return home." Posting bail doesn't clear you of the charges. Fleeing from a civilized planet like Alderaan after being charged with a crime would likely be a criminal offense, so I'm not sure how he plans to return home unless it's under a new identity.
This story is told from Labon’s perspective. This issue would be addressed in Rex’s story (which thank you for bringing that up so I can correct it for his side of the story). Labon is merely assuming that is what Rex hopes to do. He doesn't know for sure what any of the other soldiers are thinking or what their true motives are. I tried to clear that up. --Tesh162 19:37, November 3, 2011 (UTC)
Wounded is a short story by Tesh Vohore that tells the story of a mercenary disfigured during the Stark Hyperspace War. While the story is set years afterward in the context of a casual conversation with a woman at the bar, the crux of the story is told either in reminiscing or in flashback. The author does a good job of describing and contrasting the before-and-after of his protagonist. I liked how thoroughly detailed the work was in setting up the environments—unlike many other works, I had no problems visualizing what was happening. On the other hand, the characterization is a bit shallow and the dialogue has room for improvement. A good showing for the author's first FWN. 4/5 narrative and 4/5 technical. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 23:37, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
Reeeeeeevieeeewww.... *splat* R.I.P Solus
Okay, honest review time! yay. I’m not going to repeat Ata-ru, so I’m not going to go into the descriptions and how good they were and stuffs. :) Okay, so let me see if I get this story: this is to get me to care for Labon Sweef and to feel bad for what’s happened to him. In that sense, the focus was pretty good. It was obviously about him and even when we get to the middle flashback part and a bunch of names are thrown at us, I still could focus on Lebon. I’m pretty sure that the whole thing was building up to what his injury is, though I may be wrong. In that sense, though, I don’t think the story did so well. If the end is supposed to be this huge reveal about his injury, that doesn’t work - I guessed his injury correctly before I was 1/3 of the way through the story. So if the aim was to shock, that didn’t work.
Let’s see, was a tragedy kind thingy, then? The tragedy in how his life was ruined because of one simple mistake that caused a horrific injury, one he’s stuck with for the rest of his life (unless he gets prosthetics. Wait...why doesn’t he get prosthetics? Better ones, I mean. Can he not afford it? Did he not try? Would he just rather hover? I guess hovering is cool and all. So...he’s also quite a bit bummed that he can’t get it on, right? Not to be crude or anything, but even without a lower half, he could figure out something. It’s the highly advanced SW universe - I’m sure they have some kinky stuff. Even if he’d have to pay a hooker to bother with him. That’s not counting the people who are into the non-lower half thing. Good grief, I’m sure there’s a site dedicated to it on the interwebz - it’s the interwebz. That’s just Earthlings, not counting all the aliens, some of which don’t have much in the way of a lower half. Anyway, tangent over). Okay, so tragedy, the before-and-after kind of tragedy, the one that does well with a bit of dramatic irony, the kind where knowing what’s going to happen to him makes it all the more tragic. But wait...if the point was for us not to know what was going to happen to him until the end, then we don’t know the difference between the before-and-after until the end. And we don’t know what Mr. Sweep is usually like because, as he said several times, he doesn’t usually act this way. So we can’t much tell the difference between the past and the present. For all we know, he’s usually cheerful, tucking what happened to him away, only for it to sometimes present its reality to him when he least expects it. So I guess point one would be: there isn’t much tragedy because we don’t know the difference between the before-and-after and the price paid. It’s like...it’s like the difference between watching a clip of like...the Queen Mary take off on its maiden voyage and the Titanic doing the same. The tragedy comes from knowing what’s going to happen, not that it’s happening. Just because someone is maimed or dies at the end doesn’t make it a tragedy (see: X-Men First Class. No, seriously, see it, it’s awesome). The tragedy comes from dramatic irony, and there’s none here. So it’s not horribly tragic.
Not that I don’t feel sorry for Seep, I do. It’s sad that he’s stuck like this over a simple mistake. It was kinda his fault, yes, but it was just a bad call. He couldn’t know what would happen. So that’s sad. But this seems more just like a day in the life (or a night in the life) of a guy, what he thinks, what he does, and what he reminisces over. So in that way it works, kind of like taking a camera, finding an older guy and recording his story. Sure, you don’t know him, but the story can be sad. So if that’s what you meant, yeah, that kind of works. Only I think there’d be a lot more pathos and emotion if you listened to an older guy. He might not remember what a character’s hair looked like, but he’d remember their personalities, and in the middle of the story, might take a break and tell a quick story about one of their buddies. But in this story, it seems like Beep barely knew his comrades, just kind of their names. Sure, he cares about them, I guess. He needs them to complete the mission, and he might be bummed if one died, but nothing serious. And if the character whose POV we are looking through doesn’t care about the supporting cast, the audience sure won’t. When I was going through the flashback part, all these names were thrown at me, and I immediately got all the name characters confused. So I just thought of them as the Redshirt Squad. They were introduced so that they could die. Here’s Mary! Oops, she died. FEEL BAD SHE DIED!!!11!!11eleven. At least, that’s how it felt. Either not have so many characters, not have so many named characters, have the characters but make us feel for them, or just have Beef on a solo mission or just paired with someone, someone we had time to care for. If you needed cannon fodder, teamed with two other someones. All I’m saying is I didn’t care for any of his squadmates. Also that part felt really rushed.
So, what was this story? A tragedy? A slice of life? If it was a tragedy, show more before-and-after, let the audience know that he was badly hurt early (maybe not how he was hurt if don’t want to say just yet, just that he was badly hurt and it effected him or something) and how everything leads up to his injury emotionally, not just factually. How did his injury effect him? Did it drain him of all his finances? Did he have a family to go to? If he did, did he eventually leave because of how much of a burden he was on them? Or did they resent him and throw him out? Where does he live, does he have an apartment? How does he pay for it - a really low-end job? Or does he still do merc work? Because being able to float would help - no footsteps, able to float over tripwires and water, fit into smaller compartments...things like that. Does he live in an assisted living home where everything is limited? Oh, and if he wants to be alone and want to think, why does he go to a club? That seems like the total opposite of the place you’d want to go to do that. How can he afford it? Does he frequent it often? Does he work there? Is he homeless and snuck in? I don’t know! I barely know LeBouf. And if this was supposed to be day-in-the-life, we would have to know a lot of the above anyway, but more in a show-don’t-tell kind of way - showing more of his life and how it was affected by what happened, or just more of his day and how it was affected, or just him remembering things about his day.
ANYWAY! Winding down. By all this I suppose you might think I disliked your story. Not at all. It was above average, most definitely. The subject matter was interesting and unique, it was focused and personable, it was simple and to the point. I also really liked how it ended, I got a sense of his aloneness and how much he’d almost just come to accept it as a permanent part of his life. Kudos on the ending. Kuuuuudooooooos. So yeah, I’m willing to vote for this. There are more things to SW than Jedi and lightsabers - the people who are hurt by the wars they didn’t start, things like that. We need more stories like this. Was it amazing? No. Did everything work in it? No. Did it have no plot holes? No. Were there things I would have changed? Yes. But even though I may not know the exact kind of story you wanted to tell, I do know the real basic purpose behind this story: You had a story you wanted to tell. This came from a real want to share this with the world, and I respect that. It’s not cliche, it’s not boring, and it’s not overstuffed. Don’t be depressed by my Nazi-ism, that’s just how I roll. I like imagining what things could have been, so that’s a lot of where this comes from. Yes, this is a good story, I just want you to improve as you continue writing. Always try to get better, and you can’t figure out what you need to learn if it isn’t pointed out to you. ;)
Wounded offers a glimpse into the life of a mercenary in the aftermath of a war, told years later during an average night at a Coronet bar. The characterization drives the story, as the history of Labon Sweef is slowly revealed through flashbacks and present conversation with Elayna, another bargoer. For those seeking a traditional protagonist–antagonist plotline, this work very appropriately does not accomplish this. It is an excellently clear character study, wherein Labon fights and wrestles with his own past and own history. To not give away too much of the story: The ending, during which Labon attempts to overcome his past, is touchingly unsatisfying. In fact, it is incredibly real; it shows how much pain and sorrow (emotional wounding) accompanies a physical trauma. The one area of the short story that is found a bit wanting was in the dialogue, which is incredibly difficult to do in a character study. With the personality and demeanor of Labon so exposed to the reader, it is challenging to keep all the dialogue completely in-character. There were moments where the dialogue deviated in this regard, especially with nuances in the wording and structure. On the whole, however, the work dives deep into a snapshot of Labon's life; a refreshing approach and good first offering to the FW list on SWF.
Now for some refined points: I agree with Solus that there are parts of the tragedy that could have been expressed clearer. If Labon does not normally act a certain way, we should either see glimpses of this somewhere else or experience his own internal wrestling for having acted improperly. Without those depths of details, it does seem a touch shallow. I also agree that the squadmates had odd specifics pointed out. Then again, this could be excused on a literary basis if the main character explains why or makes reference to it being memorable for a reason (unremarkable can be memorable). That said, I felt like the emotional tussling was where the story really needed to be driven. For the most part, this is accomplished, especially at the end. Character studies can either be flashbacks of important events or deep expositories into an individual's psyche. This feels like it should and tries to be more the latter. I approve of and appreciate this (even though I'm probably in the minority on this site regarding this point), but there were moments that seemed underdone. Keep wrestling with the writing yourself and keep improving. The work is not far off; some refining for the future could make works-to-come even better. — Fiolli 17:38, April 4, 2012 (UTC)