Star Wars Fanon:FW/The Cantina Revelation

Star Wars Fanon > Star Wars Fanon:Featured work nominations > FW/The Cantina Revelation

The Cantina Revelation

Nominated by: Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 04:36, September 12, 2011 (UTC)

Excerpt

“You could have spared us a bit of this mess, you know,” the manager, a tall, broad man with a build like a labor droid said gruffly as he reattached another table. “But no, you just sit in the corner and watch.”

“The agreement was that I only intervene if someone is about to die,” the woman replied, utterly unperturbed. “And that I help clean the place up afterward.”

The manager grunted, then walked away to attend to other matters, muttering under his breath.

“Don't mind Feltro,” said the other bouncer from behind, a man named Roal. The woman turned to regard him with veiled eyes; she knew of his employment, but this was the first shift they had worked together since she had signed on two days prior. He was easily twenty years her junior, his lean frame hiding the fact that he could in all likelihood bench-press a Wookiee. His fiery hair was jauntily-cut, his blue eyes darted about the room with a mischievous air, and his grin was almost infectious. “Been grouchy for the last decade, ever since he inherited this little slice of paradise.”

“Inherited, you say?” the woman asked, raising a hidden brow. “I was under the impression that he'd bought the place.”

“Well, yeah he did,” Roal corrected himself as he helped the woman lift a hologame table back onto its feet. “He inherited a half-share, but he couldn't stand the other owner so much that he bought the poor Gotal out. Rumor says he even bribed a deputy to have the guy deported offworld.”

Support (0 Archivists/3 Users/3 Total)

1. Very good. Savage¹¹³⁸ 22:11, October 1, 2011 (UTC)
2. Brandon Rhea^(talk) 07:16, October 2, 2011 (UTC)
3. I read this a while ago. I don't remember if I finished it, but w/e. -MPK, Free Man 20:47, October 19, 2011 (UTC)

Objections

From the Bothan-loving desk of Atarumaster88

1. The beginning starts off with a ton of run-on sentences, which doesn't exactly make for the best "hook." Can you clean this up, or is there a particular reason for the verbosity?
   • The verbosity was intentional, however I've tweaked the prose to be less runny.
2. "s who carried themselves as though they would have been in positions of authority" Is the "would have been in" necessary, or would "held" suffice? Not sure why the conditional progressive was chosen here.
   • Changed to "as though they held positions of authority," though the wording was meant to convey the fact that none of them wore their rank insignia.
3. Your Royal Navy ship references are sadly missing from the BtS.
   • Blah blah blah, fixed.
4. "Since then I've contented myself with keeping the peace from the shadows, doing what can be done to quell fights before anyone gets hurt." Major shift in tone in terms of Exile's dialogue. Why is the shift there and do you feel it's appropriate? She was fairly plain-spoken before, but now she starts waxing poetic about keeping the peace from the shadows.
   • Pared it down a hair. However, the shift is there because she has spent so much of her time closed off from others, keeping them at arms length, that she has adopted a much simpler speaking modality. Now that she is beginning to reveal her true self to another, it seemed appropriate, particularly given the other character's attitude toward the Jedi.
5. "“How could I forget," This is a question
   • Fixed.
6. That's all. Good read. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 02:40, October 19, 2011 (UTC)
   • Thank you very much.

GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 03:59, October 19, 2011 (UTC)