- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured work nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Contents
Star Wars: Death and Life[]
Nominated by: GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 06:42, June 2, 2010 (UTC)
Nominator comments: This short story, my first complete work for SWFanon, was encouraged to be nominated by such auspicious folks as El Presidente del Bacon. GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 06:42, June 2, 2010 (UTC)
Excerpt[]
The combat-reduced squad of Republic Marines, their armor chipped and scorched by shrapnel and blasterfire, their faces stained with blood, sweat, and grime, looked at their officer one more time. The eyes of each man and woman spoke of many things: fear, admiration, pure unbridled grit and determination, as well as an overwhelming sense of trust. They knew that, whatever happened, they were serving and fighting alongside brothers and sisters. Barely a moment passed as their commander asked for, and got, their assent to one last, grand effort. As one, the soldiers raised their weapons, prepared themselves, and leaped through the accessway into the inner control area...
For their officer, it was her last leap, as a Mandalorian grenade tore into her chestplate...
Support (2 Archivists/7 Users/8 total)[]
- --Jack Phoenix (Contact) 15:57, June 2, 2010 (UTC)
- I never would have imagined Goodwood would become a fanonite. Well, I'm glad he did, and this story shows why. --D.W. (talk) 03:10, June 5, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm sure Ataru will find a few things to tweak, but I'm confident that this story merits featured work status on Star Wars Fanon. Well done, Goodwood. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 05:27, June 9, 2010 (UTC)
- An excellent read.--Josh BenderTalk 05:38, June 9, 2010 (UTC)
- Quite an enjoyable short story. The fact it's set in the KoTOR era is only icing to the proverbial cake. — JM76 Droid IRC 21:46, June 9, 2010 (UTC)
- Two thumbs up. -BluethunderContact 01:39, June 11, 2010 (UTC)
- Good read. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 22:13, June 11, 2010 (UTC)
- Per above and below. ;) Sorry about the hassle, Goodwood. :D -Solus (Bird of Prey) 02:22, June 30, 2010 (UTC)
Objections[]
- From the resurrected desk of Atarumaster88
- Part 1
Perhaps spell out NCO, at least the first time. I know that it means "non-commissioned officer," but not everyone has the same degree of familiarity with military jargon. Same with BDU; you and I know that it means "Battle Dress Uniform" but the usage seems unnecessary.- Replaced with 'noncom'; should help but if it isn't enough, will spell out the full title.
Revan and Malak don't seem like the trusting types; having Malak say that he'd trust some soldier with his life so casually seems to clash with their characterization elsewhere without any details of their prior service. Your call on whether or not it's inconsistent.- Added a bit of context to Malak's trust; will expand if needed.
"a flying piece of litter" Did you mean "litter" here? If so, that's fine, just seems like an odd word choice.- Litter, debris, same diff; switched in any case.
"rendered into the viscosity of fruit preserves" Something about this wording just seems off, perhaps swap it for something like "been liquefied into something with the viscosity of fruit preserves and then poured…" Strictly speaking, viscosity refers only to friction in fluids.- Reworked the sentence.
- Part 2
"Onasi stood at his easy" Is this supposed to be "at ease" ?- Yes. Replaced with "at ease"
Wouldn't it be against regs to be consuming alcohol while officially "on duty" in space?- "the two vacationing officers" = they're basically on liberty; there's not much to do aboard a ship in hyperspace, particularly when the trip is so long (sixty-three hours). YMMV.
- Part 3
"The gentle hand" . . . "The gentle beeping" back-to-back is a little repetitive and unless it's done on purpose for effect, may I gently suggest a different wording choice?- Reworked sentence.
"“Try the Corusca, Laera suggested. “The Leviathan's comm officer isn't as vigilant as he should be.”" This makes little sense coming from a Marine infantry officer, who wouldn't be familiar with nor would regularly handle contact between Fleet vessels.- Added context; the Republic Marines are, by their nature, intrinsically tied to the Navy and, by extension, the day-to-day operations of a warship.
- That's all. Good read. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 17:39, June 11, 2010 (UTC)
- Part 1
GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 20:10, June 11, 2010 (UTC)
- The Solusinator and her nitpicks of D00M!
- Meta
The cover frightens me. :p
- Part 1
“If we make it, Corporal, we won't need support!" the officer bellowed back. "We destroy this power generator and the whole Mando line collapses!” That’s awful convenient. Why? Are they all hooked up to it via power cable? Do they run on light bulbs? I suppose they’re at a Mando base and this would power the turrets and stuff, and maybe a shield, but it’s never mentioned. I guess this one doesn’t really have to be addressed, but it kinda bugged me. Eh. I’ll put it as optional.- The paragraph beginning The combat-reduced squad of Republic Marines, their armor chipped and scorched by shrapnel and blasterfire... Reading this, I kinda get a ho-hum feeling. Ah, lemme try to explain. I don’t know these people. Ergo, I cannot care about them. They’re nothing but redshirts to me. If you want me to care about these people dying, I have to spend more time with them, otherwise, such a big sendoff is unnecessary.
- I AM ALIVE! While I understand that you are trying to get across that our heroine is shouting, all caps in human dialogue comes off as kind of silly.
Okay, so this is a story basically about a woman who the Jedi and the Republic peepz want back alive, and thus resurrect. CAN OF WORMS MOMENT! If this can be done for dead peepz as of around this time, I’m sure there were a few more important people the Republic would want back. I’m sure tons of useful and powerful Jeedai were killed in the war. I’m sure they would have been useful. Just sayin’. I mean, this Commander (at the time) wouldn’t be my first choice. At least mention failed attempts or something.
- Part 2
...sixteen Standard months... I don’t think “Standard” should be capitalized. I mean, when I use “month” in a sentence I don’t capitalize it.- “I don't know if they told you, but technically, you're ferrying a dead woman.” The statement had the effect Laera had desired; blank shock registered on the commander's face, clearly this information was too much for his soldierly bearing to deal with. I don’t think that’s how Onasi would act, for the simple reason that he wouldn’t take her literally. If I heard someone say that, I’d think it was a joke, maybe meaning that they felt dead, or didn’t get enough sleep, or were complaining about the food. The last thing I would think of would be the literal meaning. If you need Onasi to know, have them discuss, have some questions, give them a conversation, like, “yur joking right?” “naw.” “yur in a gud mood.” “naw, srsly” “orly?” “YARLY!” “okaaaayy... (aside) yur weird.” “U TALKIN BOUT ME?” “watch yur PMS!” It would take some convincing to make down-to-earth Onasi believe that the person in front of him was at one point dead as Jacob Marley.
- [answering a question as to how long ago “they” had “brought her back”] “Only about a week ago, near as I can reckon,” Earlier, you said she was working out for “sixteen standard months.”
Minor totally optional nitpick pet peeve alert! My unit, Besh Company, Third Battalion “Besh Company.” That’s like calling a company in the US Marines “Bee Company.” “Besh” IS their “B”! “Besh” is just how you would spell it. Every time I say “B” in a sentence, I don’t spell it “bee” or “be” or whatever. It’s just “B.” Because it’s their “B.” Even the books do this, so I understand why you do it - to make it sound foreign, but it irks me. It’s like saying that a robot uses his “vision sight” just to sound foreign and “spacey.” ARGHH! ............ -_-; I sowwy, just a pet peeve. You don’t have to fix it, I just wanted to rant. Carry on.-Solus (Bird of Prey) 23:32, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- Meta
Neutral/comments[]
Archivist Review from the Desk of Atarumaster88
- The first work that I've read by Goodwood, Death and Life is an aptly-titled story about a member of the Republic marines, Laera, who was brought back to life by the machinations of none other than KotOR's diabolical duo—Revan and Malak—after being killed in combat. The story seems to transition very quickly, as if it's uncertain whether it's a character sketch focusing on Laera, a prequel for another work, or a more conventional drama. The end result is an amalgamation of all three genres and while I don't mind genre-defying, the story becomes a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. However, when it comes to the actual prose, there's nothing uncertain about it. Goodwood tells his tale with a rich and diverse vocabulary, using a style that flows fairly well, though a bit fast at times. The author clearly has familiarity with the jargon and usage of the military and intersperses that terminology and to an extent that mindset in the story. The characters have their own distinct personalities and are well-characterized, except for Revan and Malak, who are written as aloof and enigmatic, pointing to a sequel. Dialogue and description are also well-done, though the best samples of the latter element are found in the first part. The bottom line—do I recommend this story? Sure. It's a good read with a complex plot and the muted cliffhanger (hillhanger? ridgehanger?) will leave readers and especially fans of the KotOR era looking for the next installment. 4.5/5 technical, 3.5/5 narrative. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 17:39, June 11, 2010 (UTC)
Solus Review
- Hm. I shall mention the positives first, because I like positives. :D Okay, firstly, this was well-written, the vocabulary was good, Goodwood knew what he was talking about, and I really really liked the bit about Laera coming back to life. I think it got it across very well. Ataru is right about all the positives he introduces, so I don't have to reiterate them. I liked Death and Life. I really want to know what happens next. This whole thing is a very promising beginning.
But that’s where the negatives come in. This was just a beginning. There’s a bit of a middle, but there’s no end. I hesitate to call it a prequel, because though it is obviously leading to something coming after it, so does the first chapter of almost any novel I can pick off the shelf, and I wouldn’t post them as a “short story.” Maybe a prologue, but not a prequel. That sounds about right. The characters were there, the setting was there, but reason to be interested in the story was there (resurrection? oooo, where’s this leading?)...but nothing developed. It was like having all the ingredients for a cake on the counter, the best quality of each to make the best cake possible, and just letting them sit there. They don’t even get to bake, much less mix. There is no conflict, there’s no arc, there’s nothing to make it a story, unless you’re going for ultrapostmodern or something. Even the part I was most interested in: the resurrection angle...nothing was done with it! If you’re going to have a story about a person who comes back to life, I don't expect it to be about people who travel to Dantooine and play dejarik. You could have just made her be in a coma, good grief you could have just made her on sick leave, and it would have accomplished the exact same thing. And that, ultimately, is why, though I love your work, Goodwood - your articles and, now, your stories - and why I look forward to see what you’re going to do with Laera and her ressurection and why it is necessary in further installments, I cannot vote for this as a Featured Work, because that implies that the work is finished. It is not. It is a prologue. A prologue for a very interesting novel, nonetheless, but still a prologue, and I doubt prologues, on their own, get awards. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 23:41, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- P.S. plz to not take wrong way. plz? <huggles> If I am wrong in any way, do not hesitate to point it out. <3 -Solus (Bird of Prey) 23:41, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- In light of a convo with Goodwood, taking into accound FW requirements, previous FWs and FWNs, the story, it's page, and the fact that it already has sequels with more on the way, I can conclude that, though this is not by itself, a story, it is meant to be that way and meant to be continued through its sequels - thus, in that sense, it is a prologue or a first chapter in a series and, being what it is, it is complete. Therefore, it gets my vote. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 02:23, June 30, 2010 (UTC)