With the help of the coordinates they’d been given by the tech, Selu and Skip began their search. The coordinates led them into the slums of Quantill City. The narrow streets were drab and the buildings a far cry from the functional yet still elegant embassy compound. Instead of a variety of local cultivars mounted in window boxes, they saw them piled with trash or overgrown with various fungi. The air reeked of refuse and waste, and low overhanging lines that crossed the street between roofs often had objects slung from their lengths dripping a liquid whose origins Selu cared not to contemplate. This was the dark side of Quantill City, the place where their least affluent denizens eked out a living and vice ran rampant. Every city had one; the only difference was how deteriorated conditions were allowed to decay. In this case, pretty far.
“We’re almost there,” Selu told Skip. “Get ready.”
“Okay,” Skip answered. “I sense someone tucked away in that alley.”
Enjoyed it thoroughly, Ataru, but I do have a few quick thoughts.
It's nit-picky, but the second paragraph feels a little awkward with the first two sentences having paralleling subordinate "knowing…" clauses. The second sentence also feels more run-on than your surrounding text.
The third paragraph starts with "On the other hand" but there is no "on the one hand" before it to create the contrast.
The sentence "Still, even with the greater alien presence compared to other sectors of Quantill City, Selu remained discomfited." in the second paragraph is supposed to provide the object of contrast. Does splitting the contrast between paragraphs not convey the idea well? Atarumaster88(Talk page)
Its a technicality on that transition clause. It stood out to me for some reason, so maybe the contrast on a paragraph level was not clear. I see the sentence-to-sentence connection, however. — Fiolli 20:13, December 18, 2012 (UTC)
"Thus, when a series of explosives and weapons shipments used in terrorist attacks on Coruscant were found to be moved through Ando, the Jedi Order had responded…" I think there is a tense mix-up here; the "to be moved" is not quite the subjunctive past you're looking for. Either that or it should be in the pluperfect or something along those lines.
"I’ll have one of the techs run a trace on it when they get in the morning." I think you're intending the verb "to get in," where the preposition is required, so there is a word missing. To say 'they get in in the morning' is awkward, so the wording might be best served if tweaked here.
"That final offer to humiliate and possibly remove a despised rival was enough to push him over the edge." I thought Durpa was not his rival. At least, that's what he said. The fact that he was just passing such a comment off should probably be established earlier.
Added some comments earlier in the story to try and clarify that. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 22:58, December 17, 2012 (UTC)
That's it. Nice work, Ataru. — Fiolli 14:57, December 10, 2012 (UTC)
As a note, Ataru, the tabbing was removed automatically by Wikia every time I tried to edit the page. I tried adding back in there and it refused it. I'm not quite sure what the deal is; the editing page had been acting up for me for a while (freezing, crashing, overloading, preventing scrolling, etc.). Feel free to add them back in; I apologize for that. — Fiolli 15:03, December 10, 2012 (UTC)
All fixed. The tabbing's not important, but I'm hoping that when you made changes in adding a line break that there weren't any other changes in there. I tried to search the (diff) view, but all I got was a load of red text. I may re-upload the story at some point. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 22:58, December 17, 2012 (UTC)
There were a few minor tweaks here-and-there, but not much. I do not recall anything so alarming that it would diminish it. There was one 'however' clause where it made more sense to move it to the end and connect with a semicolon, but that's about it. I'm not sure where that was off the top of my head.
Meh, I'm OCD about keeping the "hard copy" and the web version the same, so I re-exported from the web version and re-added all the tabbing. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 20:57, December 18, 2012 (UTC)
What are Selu and Skip's ages? What is Skip's age comparable to in a Human, as he is, in fact, an adorable Tynnan (I want to hug him)? Bonus question: Do Tynnans live longer or shorter than Humans?
Selu is approximately 15. I imagine he has only recently completed his lightsaber by this point. Skip is 13, but operating under the assumption that smaller mammalian creatures mature faster, that puts him at about 20ish in human life cycle terms. I haven't thought any about the overall life cycle of a Tynnan compared to a Human, but would conjecture it's shorter if pressed to it. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:37, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
Okay. I was just curious, it was never mentioned so I wasn't sure how to picture them. -Solus Talk to the Hand 03:41, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
How does Kolka know the Strait like the back of his flipper if he doesn't like going there at all?
Well, Kolka's exaggerating a little on both ends. He doesn't know it that well, but he also isn't about to divulge his extralegal activities in Jaqard Strait to a pair of Jedi. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:37, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
What do the ships look like? Why aren't they also airspeeders, is that just too expensive to be able to float over bad water and get an overall smoother ride? Also, that would make the climax involved three dimensions.
I imagine Star Wars versions of fishing trawlers, in the 20-30 meter length range. I based the idea off of the Nanda's Luck but removed the repulsors due to the navigational hazards of Jaqard Strait. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:37, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
I still think it's weird that none of them have any repulsors. It just seems...kinda out of place. -Solus Talk to the Hand 03:41, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
If Ylain overheard them earlier about the suspected traitor, why didn't she mention her new info earlier?
She didn't immediately piece it together; she was also more concerned with getting away from scummy kriffing Jeddi. Also, to build suspense and provide a plot twist later. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:37, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
It seems kinda coincidental that Durpa, Galleo, Ylain, and the Sullustan waiter would be recurring characters. It seems almost conveniently coincidental, too cleanly plotted. You know what I mean? Even just two seems kinda pushing it.
I get the point, but Durpa is an accomplice. He's supposed to be a recurring character. Ylain is a "key witness," so ditto for her. I'll give you the Sullustan waiter. I made the decision to limit the number of tertiary characters so as to avoid confusing the reader without introducing too many one-shots. Personally, I don't find it too egregious, but YMMV. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:37, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
It's not at all a big deal, it just kinda bugged me a bit. Nothing big. -Solus Talk to the Hand 03:41, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
ON THE UDDER HAND, I liked the story, I liked the setting, I liked the setups, I liked the payoffs (except for the setup and payoff with the Sullustan waiter. That went kinda nowhere), and I loved the characters. It was well handled, well planned, and well paced, with few plot holes. I definitely approve. -Solus Talk to the Hand 03:06, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
Reserving my vote until reviews are complete. For any reviewers who are interested, while this is the sequel to First Impressions, foreknowledge of that story is not crucial to understanding Second Guessed. Either reading First Impressions and/or its plot summary might give some additional context on the characters, but it's not essential. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:29, August 19, 2012 (UTC)