“Detective Kane,” I heard someone shout from behind me. I turned around and saw Ekoroi Begoon, my newest partner. The boy was fresh meat and very “by-the-book”. Those two aspects have always aggravated me, but with this one it seemed like he almost did it on purpose. It always seemed the force wanted to pair me with the youngest recruit they could find. “Detective Kane, you should be wearing your gloves,” he said as he walked up to me. This was going to be a long day.
“Do I look like a rookie, boy?” I said, furious with this little punk. “I’ve been doing this job since before you were born, and I’ve learned more from those years than you have from your stupid books.” The crowd of rubberneckers looked at me and my partner as I continued barraging him with insults about his inexperience, “I’ve had half a dozen partners like you, and guess what, they always leave the force. Do you know why? Because it was too ‘stressful’ on them.” My face was now red and I could tell I pushed too hard when the rookie stormed off. I didn’t feel too bad, though; things like this make a man stronger.
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From the desk of Atarumaster88
"was all the craze in my youth. The sign and restaurant had aged poorly since my youth" Seems a bit awkward to repeat "in my youth." Perhaps a bit of rewording here?
"he officer said. I couldn’t believe it, a man my age croaked. It was rare in the city to see in his 40’s or 50’s die, either you died young or old. Not now, not here, not like this.” “So" Some weird things with missing quotes happening here. Clean it up please.
"We’re professionals, so soon we will act like nothing happened." This tense is also quite muddled.
Why would the coroner's hand be soaked in blood? Besides the danger of contaminating the evidence, there's also the danger of infection, so medical examiners always wear gloves. Always.
"I’ve never been sure of his age even upon our first meeting. " The tense on this could be more consistent also with how that last phrase is worded.
When you're attributing your dialogue, you use "he said," "so and so said" "said" etc. repeatedly. Maybe try and vary that up?
"well either me or Tracila." Who is Tracila? I'll tolerate some random name-dropping, but there's no context given to this name at all.
The tense is pretty inconsistent throughout this story overall. I'm going to want that cleaned up.
"you never wear you never have your communicator close by" Some clunky wording here
"I just toned her out." I don't think "toned" is the word you're looking for.
Is it intentionally "Stross designs" and not "Stross Designs"?
Address these and I'll finish out the story. Apologies for the delayed review. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 02:15, May 15, 2012 (UTC)
Archivist Vote to Remove Nomination
This had potential, but the author has been MIA for the last 5 months. The nom's been inactive for over 3 months now, so barring any resurgent activity on it, I'm not inclined to keep it lying around. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 20:05, August 21, 2012 (UTC)
I had been holding on out on voting for this while Ataru's objections were looked at. I'm sorry to see this one be pulled, but I think it should. — Fiolli 13:58, September 1, 2012 (UTC)
I will try to address the objections in a timely manner, though I am most active on weekends. I thank everyone in advance for helping make this story better. I just hope it's worthy enough to be a Feature Work. Also, if you feel that the excerpt isn't good enough to be on the main page, I'll look for another, unless someone else knows of a better one.-BluethunderContact 00:55, February 12, 2012 (UTC)