After reholstering her weapon, the Human had pulled another item from her belt: disguised as a standard comlink, it emitted a steady, somewhat throaty hum as she walked around the apartment, seemingly sampling the air for toxins or other hazards. "It only takes one to ruin an op," she retorted, then put the bug-sniffer away. "We're clear."
"Easiest way to defeat a Republic surveillance mission," the Wroonian smirked, "is to use their own technology against them."
"You would know, Palo," the woman bit out. "The only reason you're free to roam about is because of our patron's change of heart. That doesn't mean I have to trust you."
"Ah, but it does dear Kimba," Palo replied mockingly. "For all you know, I could have been planning an epic double-cross from the word go. I may even be a disarmored Mandalorian, or a disguised Jed—"
"Finish that sentence and die," Kimba shot back, looking daggers at the Wroonian as her blaster rematerialized seemingly instantaneously. "I don't care if Lord So-and-so flays my brain to bits for fun because killing you blows the op."
Palo stepped back, raising his hands. "Oh for the love of—put that thing away before somebody hears the shot you are so desperate to give."
"Then start taking this thing seriously!" Kimba demanded. "I'm sticking my neck out for you—under orders I might add—and frankly, I would like to know why and to what end."
"As much as I would love to help you..." Palo began.
"...I don't 'need to know.' Even rank amateurs can wrap their pea brains around that concept."
Now that I'm an Archivist, I figured I'd best get to Archiving. Here are my thoughts, (constructively) critical and positive, about Rapid Redeployment. Some are grammatical, others stylistic.
The wording bounces between present and past tense.
"Sergeant Mulkaehey", assuming it is, in fact, a song, should be in quotes, not italics.
I realize it ultimately becomes useful to the plot, but it seems odd that Reeka is riding a speeder bike in the dressiest uniform she possesses.
"he went through the motions of arriving at the complex that housed the Republic Military High Command's Marine Corps branch"—This is an odd use of "went through the motions", which tends to imply phoning in on an activity that usually requires more focus and dedication. Arriving seems to be sort of a binary activity; you either do or you don't.
Just want to piggyback and say the phrasing in the sentence is off. "...arriving at the complex of the Marine Corps branch of the Republic High Command." This states that they are at that specific branch's High Command facility rather than it having its own Marine Corps. Which is how it currently comes across. At least to me.-I'm the Chosen One 09:54, November 29, 2015 (UTC)
"he was met by his adjutant"—Passive voice; maybe "he met his adjutant"?
"the in-built computer terminal"—"built-in"
"he would have done nothing different"—"differently"
Good use of in-universe terminology (skyclad, "gone to half-Standard")
"to outstay its welcome"—Is this a phrase? I've always heard "overstay"
More present/past tense
Example: "they had been ordered to get this done before the week was out or don't bother reporting back"—I understand, from the following sentence, that "don't bother reporting back" is a direct quote, but it should be in quotes in the preceding sentence, or rewritten to past tense.
""That is alright," the Gand replied in a rasp."—Personal pet peeve. Unlike "altogether" and "already", "alright" is not a word. It has to be two words.
"He's a scum-sucking gornt-punching pile of worm sperm..."—Putting aside whether an enlisted Marine would speak that way to a senior officer without asking permission to speak freely, there should be a comma between "scum-sucking" and "gornt-punching"
"...that I and my staff may not."—"my staff and I"
"And right now the Republic needed as much Force behind its forces as he could wrangle." This is a particularly nice turn of phrase.
Part one is written from the perspectives of Palo and Kimba simultaneously, which makes for a confusing read at times.
"Her meditation served a dual purpose:"—This seems like a clunky expositional statement. I feel the sentence could be rewritten more smoothly without it.
"outwardly oblivious of the furtive stares"—"oblivious to"
"Cross of Glory holders"—Assuming as I am that the author is applying linguistic conventions from real-world military awards, one does not usually speak of "holding" an award. You "hold" a rank or grade, or maybe a billet; you "receive" an award. Maybe "Cross of Glory recipients"? Or even "those awarded the Cross of Glory"?
"The worst thing the military could do right now was to attack."—I feel the "to" is superfluous.
"we lost a lot of ships at Foerost, either disabled, destroyed, or stolen outright."—I resisted commenting on the lack of Oxford commas up to this point, because while I'm a strong proponent of the Oxford comma, it isn't technically necessary. But it is necessary to either consistently use it, or consistently not use it; don't mix and match.
"before floucning the way forward."—spelling, although I also appreciate the use of "flouncing", as it immediately conveys a very specific image.
"The appointment with Admiral Dun'vei, scheduled for zero-eight-forty-five this morning, was a fabrication planted within the admiral's schedule from an outside terminal using an open proxy, we have techs looking into a possible trace, but we don't expect much from it."—run-on. Needs at least a semicolon, and maybe a break to two sentences.
"And I'll thank you not to question the integrity of my Marines in my presence, Madam."—Was the SIS head actually questioning her integrity?
The last section has another perspective shift.
"But flimsi was such a flimsy material."—I liked this pun.
The blatant NCIS references made me twitch a little, but I'll ignore that.
The reveal that Laera trained as a Jedi for a year kind of threw me. I'm on board with her ability to track people in the Force, read thoughts, and even implant thoughts in Miranda's mind; all of that is par for the course for a fully-trained Jedi Knight, and even though Laera is a Padawan, I was kind of picturing her as one in the same way that Jolee Bindo was a Padawan. But if she only had a year of Force training, it seems a lot less believable.
"He had said something about how the Force definitely existed, despite his aspirations regarding the Jedi, and how he had hoped it would be with her."—Given the context, I think "aspirations" isn't the word intended here. "aspersions", maybe?
Coming as I am to this storyline without reading any of the other works in it, I still found it accessible; I think the discussion of backstory was thorough enough to bring a reader up to speed without degenerating into a laborious, "Previously, in Goodwood's work..."
I concede from the get-go that I have not yet served in the military either. That said, the level of informality between Tufass and a number of officers seemed out-of-place. Even from something as simple as reading The Marine Officer's Guide, it seems pretty ironclad that when an enlisted person commissions, there is a new, clear, and firm professional distance from those who remain enlisted. As a result, under normal conditions, a gunnery sergeant would be more (outwardly) respectful to a lieutenant, and a lieutenant more detached from a gunnery sergeant. Maybe that might be relaxed among those who have served together in nightmarish conditions, but none of that should apply to a Vice Admiral who is not only the highest-ranked officer in their branch of service, but also whom none of them know personally. Again, I haven't read the other works in this series, nor am I familiar enough with the fanon Galactic Republic Marines to know if that sort of informality is par for the course among them, so I'm entirely open to education on that point.
I thought the pacing was pretty good, and the rotation among perspectives got a good feeling of rising action and suspense going, especially in the early chapters.
My view on whether Laera is a Laera ex machina is entirely dependent on whether she really did only train as a Jedi for a year. If so, her abilities seem extraordinary for someone trained so briefly.
Also, can't resist, so I'll say it. You mean "aboard" or "on board". ;) Onboard is as much a word as alright. :p -I'm the Chosen One 09:54, November 29, 2015 (UTC)
Well, in fairness, it seems "onboard" can be a word when it's used adjectivally (e.g. "onboard computer"), but my usage was still wrong. I learned something today! SakarosTalk 10:26, November 29, 2015 (UTC)
Was gonna edit that but thought you'd find that out, ah well. It's ALL RIGHT! :pp I'm the Chosen One 23:34, November 30, 2015 (UTC)
Archivist Vote to Remove Nomination
This has been inactive for a long time, and in its current state, has no real chance of achieving FW status without the author returning to address issues. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 23:26, March 11, 2017 (UTC)
I will give this a more thorough read on a day when my brain isn't so tired, but on a fairly light skim-over, seems to be a return to some of Goodwood's best (and earlier) characters that originally set his writing apart. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:28, October 29, 2015 (UTC)