“I... I don't understand any of this,” I admitted.
“Tragic, since there is so much to understand.”
The voice sent chills down my spine and gave me goose-bumps. There was so much that appeared normal about the voice's actual sound, but the Force revealed many things that I found disturbing, and even more disturbing were the things that even the Force could not reveal.
The woman, who called herself Kreia, was old. Very old. Though that observational fact would normally be something I would overlook considering some of the other things about her, it was as if she flat-out refused to let me overlook it. Every sentence she uttered spewed out endless wisdom and experience, every look she gave had the weight of a small moon, and every action she took seemed like it would be significant six thousand years later in some bizarre, epic way. She was oddly cynical, crazily wise, obsessively watching my actions, and amazingly still standing, despite her critical injury.
“Kreia, you should go lie down in the med bay.”
My words betrayed my true thoughts. In a way, I feared just how she might have reacted had she known my true perception of her. I knew I was not dealing with just some wise old woman here. There was something about her, something that made my mind feel weak and my back feel vulnerable. I knew I was dealing with something I had never dealt with before, and it appeared in the shape of a frail, old woman who was everything more than she seemed.
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From the exiled desk of Atarumaster88
Reflinks to Wattpad for the reception segment of your BtS would be nice bonus candy, but not a major sticking point. (Article)
The comments are from private messages that I've long since deleted. --Wylind(talk)(narratives) 06:16, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
"Perhaps it was unfair of me to judge him so hastily—I had only known him less than three or four Standard hours—but I was usually a good of judging people's character on short notice, and I was confident that I was correct in my assessment of his personality." Major run-on here.
What is this story about, Wylind? Is it about the Exile's choice to be trained by Kreia? If so, there's not much debate on the choice. He just does it without much reservation. Is it about Kreia succeeding in getting Cale to work with her? If so, she succeeds pretty easily. Is the story about the Exile being persuaded to see her view of the Force? Whatever the central conflict (or reason) for the story is, it's not very clear. It reads like you were trying to narrate part of the video game, but nothing is actually resolved in that segment of the game so you don't resolve it here. Your story needs to have an independent resolution even if it is part of a greater body of work. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:59, January 9, 2012 (UTC)
Since you have another copy of this work uploaded elsewhere, I did not make sofixit edits. Cheers, Atarumaster88(Talk page) 19:32, January 6, 2012 (UTC)
Don't worry about that. Go ahead and make any minor edits or sofixits you see fit. I can easily copy any changes you've made here onto its other locations. --Wylind(talk)(narratives) 06:16, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
Fiolli's (in)famous pasta bowl (cheese-free this time):
"But was I was being too harsh, too quick to judge, too quick to thank Atton for flying me off that doomed rock they called Peragus." I'm not sure how this sentence is trying to start.
"And to top it all off, I'd had to watch in horror as an entire colony was blown to hell and reduced to rubble." What colony? Are we talking about the mining colony? Was there something else that I'm missing? I know about Peragus, but the average reader may be even more lost on this point.
"The voice sent chills down my spine and gave me goose-bumps." Whose voice? Did Atton say the line? If not, who did and where is this person?
EDIT: Looking back, I think you're channeling Kreia here, but this is very unclear when it happens. If she's speaking telepathically, I suggest offsetting the text in italics or an indent to indicate another voice from another source that is not physically present. If she's speaking in the physical realm, a fact implied by the comment to lie down in the medbay, then something needs to be clarified. The lack of an attribution accompanying the quote (while I understand the dramatic reasons) fails to provide clarity.
Sorry to get super-nitpicky, but in the description of Kreia, "crazily wise" seems out of place. This word has many connotations that I don't believe you are trying to imply here. Was her wisdom on the verge of insanity or something to that effect? Was she merely unorthodox or beyond this?
"Look, I set our course for Telos, but it's going to take us a while to get there. It's a good distance away and we aren't exactly going as fast as possible." The end of the quote is missing, and attribution would be advisable here since it is not implicit in the quote who would say it.
"Me and Atton both turned…" Just a question: is there a reason why this is structured this way? It is improper grammar, but I'm open to hearing the reasoning, if there is one. Note that it contrasts "Kreia and I both said" a little further down.
"…apparently uncomfortable and believing our simultaneous reply had been pre-planned via the Force." Was it as if he believed or it was known that he believed?
This is a little confusing: It states that "It had been years since I had seen the beautiful display…;" but then only a couple sentences later, it states that "I had spent the past decade of my life traveling the galaxy, moving from planet to planet on a monthly basis." The following sentence indicates enjoyment on various worlds, which also conflicts the statement about enjoying the experience of other worlds.
"…the ship was in good condition and ran like a beauty." This contradicts Atton's statements above about the ship being only good enough to make it to Telos.
"…that contained an impressive-looking swoop bike." Point of curiosity more than an objection: How was this learnt from the layout?
I'm running into the issue with my fanfics of droidspeak and how that should be notated, as well. Are you against using the other quotation marks? (e.g. «…» or »…«) I'm curious as to your thoughts on this for T3's comments. I'm leaning very, very heavily toward using the bracket quotes for my work to denote the droidspeak "language," as it is not Basic.
"(mechanics and computers were not really my thing)" Please eliminate the parenthetical clause or put it in a separate sentence. Adding it to this one would create a run-on.
"…taking the extended hallway down to its end…" This implies that only one hallway exists. I know what you mean, but the expression is unclear. Plus, this sentence needs to be restructured as it is run-on–like and breaks from your style.
"The hatch was wide open, and a little old lady…" The word "hatch" here implies the one off of the main hold area. I'm not sure that this is what you intended.
"To me, she sounded surprised, which surprised me." One of the "surprise" words needs to be replaced with a synonym.
"She wrinkled her old, already-wrinkled nose and shook her head slowly." Suggestion more-so than objection: Could the first 'wrinkled' be changed to something similar?
"Though her eyes had began to fail her long ago, she could still see via the wretched thing she was forced to use every day of my life." This does not make sense and the surrounding context fails to clarify it.
"It would not be long before more worlds like Katarr, barren wastelands once gleaming with life, began to appear." Would disappear be a better word than appear? I feel like the vacating destruction indicates a disappearance more than an appearance.
"Darth Nihilus." I'm not sure why this is a "sentence" all by itself. Please tie it in or remove it somehow.
"But these two Dark Lords…" This section is a little more formal than the rambling mind of Cale. To fit the style you appear to be trying for, don't start with this conjunction as a transition word. This applies to the "and" in the previous paragraph and the "so" in the next paragraph, as well.
"He thought he had two…" This contradicts the line three sentences up, which states that Cale only knew of Darth Sion. This whole sentence is poorly structured and should be rewritten.
"What is it that I shall learn first?" and "How shall be proceed? We've no scripts or training equipment." Cale seems to be talking much more formally here. Is this intended? He seems like a street-smart "dude" in the first part with his slang and improper grammar.
"I dropped into a meditative trance, albeit not a very deep one, although deeper than earlier." The dual qualifier clauses don't work together. Please reword.
"…the air being quietly sucked in and then pumped out of the ship's air conditioner." A couple of sentences earlier states that warm air was coming from the vents, trying to warm the ship.
"I could fear it all…" Did you mean hear? Or, is there something else that I'm missing?
After having finished it, I think the nature of the writing style used on Cale's narratives is fine. I would contrast this more in Kreia's section. His remarks are rambling, off-the-cuff, and filled with idioms and colloquialisms that jump back-and-forth across the line between informal and even slang. Her sections should be more cohesive and formalized. When she is narrating her own view, the cryptic nature does not need to be there, but her dense thoughts should. At times, the Kreia section had the tone of Cale, and that needs to be tweaked.
That's all for now. There's a few minor details that I'm sure will be highlighted in the hashing through of these objections. Happy editing. — Fiolli 17:59, January 21, 2012 (UTC)
Archivist Vote To Remove Nomination
I've seen no progress on this review after 3-4 months and while it had some potential, at this point, the lack of commitment to address objections and push it through FWN is unimpressive. My patience has expired. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 15:45, May 15, 2012 (UTC)
Got a new computer yesterday. Since I'm still working on setting it up, it may take me a few days to get around to these objections. But thank you, Ataru and Fi, I'll get on them as soon as I can. --Wylind(talk)(narratives) 23:48, January 21, 2012 (UTC)