Nominated by:Savage1138 19:27, October 4, 2011 (UTC)
Jaq was heading for his work chamber, which he affectionately called his "box," to receive and digest a report on one of his latest efforts. Upon passing beneath one such lamp the brown haired, pale-skinned Human was met by a Twi'lek, whose flesh was a rust-red hue and who wore the same dour-looking gray tunic and trousers with a black hooded cloak as he did. The two exchanged comradely nods, the latter with the ghost of a grin tickling at the corner of his mouth.
"Lord Malak sends his compliments, Jaq," he said in Huttese. "His emissary has also provided another sample; recently captured, and stuffed neatly into your box."
"Well, it's about damn time," Jaq replied in Basic, speaking with just the slightest hint of a lisp as a chortle escaped his lips. "Just when I was about to get bored and see about taking a vacation."
“She was a feisty one, too,” the Twi'lek remarked with a chuckle of his own. “You will have to earn your pay with her.”
“I always earn my pay,” Jaq declared with mock scorn, then grinned. “Besides, the more they struggle, the more fun I have.”
"To encourage them, using a wide variety of methods and practices, to become what they fought against with every fiber of their hypocritical being." Singular/plural disagreement
Fix'd; replaced "being" with "selves".
Should this be "peel" or "peal" of laughter? Unsure on this one, you might have a source that says otherwise.
Honestly, I have no idea. Changed to "peal" anyway as it seemed more logical, with "peel" referring to fruit.
"As her words died away once again…" This is an extremely long sentence.
So somehow, this Togruta girl forces him into a kind of mental link along the likes of Revan-and-Bastila and she does it without his consent without presumably not that much training due to her age? Unless I'm missing something from canon, this seems pretty implausible. If anything, that kind of mental intrusion and Jedi mindbending should only make him more determined to resist her, not less, no?
In my experience of canon EU, you never really know what a Jedi—or a Sith—caught in a corner is really capable of. This isn't like the Revan/Bastila Force-bond thing at all; nowhere was that hinted at. The girl, having caught a glimpse of who this man is through a crack in his emotional armor, has given up on saving her own life and wants to save his. You could say the Force is acting through her, but that would be a theistic cop-out that I wouldn't foist on anyone; rather, it's more a case of the Force rewarding self-sacrifice. At least in my view. Regardless of how or why it works, I feel that this aspect holds enough water to carry the story.
Well, turns out some version of this is canon. I stand by my comment that this is a total deus ex machina but since it's canonical, my hands are tied.
"was blotched with fresh bruises and slashed by contusions" I'm not sure how you slash someone's skin with contusions, since contusions are bruises. Redundant/repetitive anyway.
Let me see if I can understand the emotional progression here. Jaq is furious with her for what she's saying/doing/who she is and confused by her actions, as well as mad at himself for losing control. Then she shows him "the galaxy through her eyes" by <s>Vulcan mind meld Jedi chicanery and his reaction is love? This just makes no sense, even for an irrational being.</s>
Who says it's supposed to make sense at all? The story is not about redemption, or even romantic love—there is such a thing as impersonal love, which is often defined as "universal compassion," a strong affection for all life. This "Jedi chicanery" you refer to is her touching the Force within him, and all that that implies. As the old aphorism goes, imagine you lived your whole life wearing gloves, until one day someone takes them off; you can finally touch the world. I don't know about you, but if someone did that for me, I'd certainly feel a certain measure of love for them.
Canon apparently. Who am I to argue with the incredible writing of KotOR II. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:52, November 7, 2011 (UTC)
"he loved her so much that he was willing to give up everything he had to save her. And because he loved her so, he would continue to kill her," These two statements are mutually exclusive. I realize you're trying to wax poetic here, but something is definitely lost in translation. He's not saving her if he's crushing her neck.
Again, your definition and the story's definition disagree. He's saving her from becoming that which she dedicated her life to opposing. He's willing to give up on his cushy position as a Sith-trained Jedi hunter in order to fulfill that need, as well as the more selfish motive of not wanting to become a soul-less Dark Jedi himself. At this point, this is the only way he knows how to accomplish the task; he's too emotionally unstable to plan her escape, never mind the idea of escaping with her alive and his "soul" intact.
"After several minutes Jaq tapped the interior door actuator, though he did not leave; instead, he tamped down on his emotions and thought patterns as he had been taught to do and let the door close, making the Togruta girl think that he had in fact left." This sentence is unnecessarily long.
(BTS) "figuring that the story practically wrote itself. " What does this mean?
It is an acknowledgment by the author (that's me) of the fact that the beginning and end result were already established by the storyline of KotOR II, particularly the confession scene. In any case, added the "IMO" caveat.
That could have been worded a lot clearer, but whatever, it's not objectively bad. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:52, November 7, 2011 (UTC)
Infobox pages field is almost certainly not "1"…you have to show me the font you're using if it is. :P
Please expand your plot summary. I let it slip for TCR but I probably shouldn't have. One sentence does not a summary make.
Jaq in the Box is yet another short KotOR-era standalone story. Technically sound as always from Goodwood, yet the prose is limited by poorly-conceived canonical backstory whose deficient quality is not much improved by the author's treatment of it. If you thought KotOR II had good writing, you probably won't notice. This story is not for the squeamish either. I personally am not as enthusiastic about it, though the Christ-figure allusions in the character of Aewa are a nice touch. 3/5 narrative, 4.5/5 technical. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:57, November 7, 2011 (UTC)