It was three weeks ago that it first came down. We were going to Saloch discreetly, which for us meant we weren’t kicking open doors with blasters blazing. In fact, we weren’t even supposed to need our blasters. Our job was helping other people figure out how to fire their own blasters. I suppose that needs a bit of background. There’s this nasty bunch of people called the Lortans, or more appropriately, the Lortan fanatics. Somehow, they got it into their head that the surrounding alien species were going to result in the doom of the galaxy, or something like that. Anyway, they decided to ravage a few star systems in order to avert that, including Saloch. Never mind that the native Tunroth and Duros there hadn’t done anything to deserve that. Our job was to ensure that some export-quality arms were distributed to the locals and help them figure out how to defend themselves. Strictly on the low-down, of course. When the reigning galactic government doesn’t and shouldn’t know you exist, it’s probably a good idea to keep a low profile, which is exactly what we intended to do. Too bad it didn’t work out that way.
Sorry I haven't been here, but I am still alive. I have read it and while the actual story is very good I am not sure if the actual composition of it works for what you are trying to do. Part of this story is rather heavy on introspection but at the same time you are describing a series of rather traumatic events, some of which happen rather quickly and require a slightly different style. Both of these things can work in stories like in novels like Shatterpoint and Heart of Darkness, but it doesn't look as if you've managed to get the balance.
For all the story that it is, particularly with the ending, I lost interest rather early on simply due to the sheer amount of text. A lot more economy of words are needed for what you want to do, but I don't do my point-by-point analysis of a story if I see that it needs to go back for a redrafting. That's your job as it's your story.
I know this is the first story I have seen on the way back but I am seriously considering exercising my veto, added to this is the fact I have seen some of your work, Ataru and I know you can polish this up a bit more. What do you say? I just wanted to say something beforehand so you know where I am with this. KatanaGeldar 08:02, November 11, 2009 (UTC)
I haven't been ignoring your comments, Katana, just busy IRL. I seem to be getting a common thread that the story is too dense in the middle from both of you. That said, I don't write stories to fit a specific genre or style. My writing tends to involve a mixture genres and styles, and so while I'm familiar with Shatterpoint, I'm not necessarily aiming to present Iron Maiden in the same fashion. It's a hybrid character study and war story. The closest comparison stylistically would be a book called Shooter by an American sniper in Iraq. So where Stover skips rather quickly through the actual battles in Shatterpoint, I'm not trying to do that. If economy of words is needed because the story drags, then I'll certainly look into trimming some things. If economy of words is "needed" to fit some kind of style, well, I could care less. What parts did you feel should have progressed faster that didn't? What specific segments need revisiting? Are there too many quirky introspective anecdotes from Feran? They're supposed to help develop her personality, but if they're overdone, I can trim those for sure. I'm all for faster, more intense, as long as it doesn't compromise the story. Also, Archivists don't individually have a veto. ;) Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:06, December 7, 2009 (UTC)
I actually am doing Archivist stuff! Shocking, I know. :D First things first, though. I did like the story. I like the way you portrayed the characters and the environment and I was sufficiently bummed out when the shaggy dog was shot. Some things were definitely a bit awkward though - mostly the first-person-ness towards the last third or fourth of the story. I thought the frame story - the beginning and end part on Yanibar - was good, but the middle parts that switched to Yanibar? I thought they were kinda unnecessary. It made the timing a bit weird, because at first when the heading says "Yanibar," I thought he went back to Yanibar and was giving his opinion kinda, then when it did the "10 days earlier" thing, I was like "wut? Isn't that before what he just did on Suloch?" Then again, that could be my dyslexia not picking up on the finer details, but I don't think I can blame all of it on that. Probably something like "so-and-so days later" so the headers are consistent. Another thing - your dashes are indistinguishable from your hyphens. I got dashes and hypens mixed up constantly. Please fix. Oh, and why in the world is it called "Iron Maiden"? -Solus (Bird of Prey) 19:07, November 21, 2009 (UTC)
Hmm. The sudden switches back to "Yanibar" are supposed to allow me to tell the story in chunks without having to detail the full course of the trip to Saloch. Kinda like watching a movie with a lot of flashback, but apparently this doesn't transition as well when it comes to the actual prose. I'm going to try something and let me know if it works. The "ten days earlier" bit was based on an absolute time scale (e.g., they arrived on Saloch "twelve days earlier"), which is sort of confusing if you're not following the timeline. I've tried to smooth that out by moving to a relative timescale (i.e. 2 days later and so on).
I'm not sure which parts you're referring with regards to the awkward "first-person-ness towards the last third or fourth of the story," or what exactly is awkward. Are you talking about after Slayn gets back from Saloch, or before that?
It's called Iron Maiden as an abstract description of Feran Slayn. She's supposed to be steely calm on the outside, a professional soldier in a group of elites.
If you could separate your comments/objections/thoughts into something other than a wall of text, it'd be appreciated. ;) Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:06, December 7, 2009 (UTC)
Okay, I'll use the bullet point thingies. ^-^
I understand what you were trying to do with the Yanibar switch thing, and, though it wasn't as effective as it could be, it has a lot of potential.
The thing is, I know the story is told pretty much in 1st person, but it had a lot of 3rd person-ness in most of the story, but when Beblos was put out of commission and Slayn is on his own, the switch from what was not true first person to true first person was kinda...jarring. At least for me. I guess it was the switch from "we," "our," "the squad," etc. to just "I" just stood out to me. Not really a problem, now that I look at it and see what the change was about and stuff.
I've attempted to address both of your objections, but I'm going to need some more specifics or at least clarification before I can continue further. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 20:20, December 30, 2009 (UTC)
Though it's definitely a worthy candidate, there are a number of minor prose issues (foibles, really) that I'd like to clear up with Ataru. The last couple of paragraphs contain a few examples.GoodwoodDebating Society12,018 Edits 10:13, July 25, 2010 (UTC)
Note: the excerpt is longer than 300 words- I think 382. The Archivists will need to either slim this down or find a different excerpt. Or we can take a vote to waive that rule for this case. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 06:08, October 18, 2009 (UTC)
I changed it, now it's only 198 words instead on 382. --Josh BenderTalk 06:13, October 18, 2009 (UTC)
It's been just about six months since Katana left her objections. I'd recommend that the Seers vote to strike the objections, and then Ataru, even though it's his work (but not his nomination), vote on it. Otherwise this thing is never going to get passed. - Brandon Rhea(talk) 04:11, May 2, 2010 (UTC)
Okay. It's been over two and a half months since this page has even received an edit. This is, IMO, more than worthy of being FW. Katana's objections were left several months ago, and have been touched up/addressed as best as they could. It seems either Goodwood or Ataru now need to vote on it. Otherwise, this is never going to pass. It needs another Archivists vote. --D.W.(talk) 07:31, July 25, 2010 (UTC)