Star Wars Fanon:FW/Force Exile III: Liberator

Star Wars Fanon > Star Wars Fanon:Featured work nominations > FW/Force Exile III: Liberator

Force Exile III: Liberator

Nominated by: Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:03, July 8, 2014 (UTC)

Excerpt

Selu wordlessly clutched the controls with a frenzied grip, precariously dodging and jinking to evade the deadly fusillades of green turbolaser bursts even as he clawed for open space far enough from Zhar’s gravity well to jump to lightspeed. The beams were getting closer. Selu keyed the navicomputer, hoping to plot a jump to somewhere, anywhere away from their assailant. Unfortunately, that particular piece of equipment had yet to be tweaked by Sarth, and precious seconds would be needed to complete the complex calculations for jumping to lightspeed. Seconds they didn’t have.

The Hawk-bat shuddered as another near-miss from a turbolaser detonated near the aft quarter of the sleek freighter. The impact of the blow threw Sarth into a wall across from the overheating shield control circuitry he was trying to bypass. From a muffled groan coming from down the hall, he could tell that the hit had had a similar effect on Cassi. He struggled back to his feet, retrieving the dropped hydrospanner and other tools rolling around on the deck. Cursing at the sight of the now burned-out circuitry and the shower of blue sparks it was emitting, he quickly shut off the entire relay before it literally blew up in his face. Keying the intercom, he shouted a message to Selu.

“Selu! We can’t take any more hits! The shields are gone!”

Support (2 Archivists/3 Users/5 Total)

1. I'm the Chosen One 08:03, December 13, 2014 (UTC)
2. New, improved, and canon-friendly to boot! -- JM76 09:35, January 19, 2015 (UTC)
3. --Wylind ^{(talk)(narratives)} 19:39, April 14, 2016 (UTC)
4. I feel fairly confident that there won't be any major objections at this point. LOL. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 23:20, March 11, 2017 (UTC)
5. --Starmiinor 17:00, June 4th, 2021 (UTC)

Objections

SAKARITIQUES

• A couple preparatory notes:
  • I corrected everything within the 1-3 range for you; no guarantees I got everything, of course—I'm still finding small errors in Revenge of the Jedi now and then, and that's 20,000+ words shorter—but I think I was pretty thorough.
    • I cleaned out a lot of parasentences, but I left the ones I thought were deliberately impactful. Obviously, Edit History will let you check my work and tweak anything you thought I got wrong.
  • "HH" stands for "head-hop", and "3PO" stands for "third-person omniscient". Head-hopping and telling rather than showing (or telling something you also show, either before or after) remain your most frequent issues.
  • If any of the below comes across curt, I don't intend it that way; if something says "Cut this", the "I suggest you—" is implied. Similarly, though all my critiques are sincere, ribbing and snark are meant with collegial affection.
• CHAPTER 1
  • "his khaki Imperial uniform seemingly molded around his fit physique" – Don't Imperial Navy officers wear gray? In Chapter 20, you note Imperial Army personnel are wearing khaki, which makes more sense.
    • Going to push back on this one. First, the Wook says these were "Olive grey", whatever that means. As to the term "khaki" being used for Imperial Navy uniforms specifically, it will probably not surprise you that the idea has some precedent in Legends, namely The Truce at Bakura, where Commander Thanas is described as wearing a khaki tunic. A check on Wikipedia reveals that the "khaki" is not anything close to Imperial uniform colors, but "khaki green" is close enough to be at least within the same crayon box, if you follow my meaning. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:47, 18 June 2021 (UTC)
      • Just because I love you and I know this is the sort of thing you'll find more persuasive than a mere "Look at Admiral Piett. His uniform is not khaki", I dug out my copy of the Imperial Handbook. Page 30 says in part, "The gray-green uniform of an Imperial naval officer...", which supports your "khaki green is vaguely in the same color family, sort of" argument, but if you're married to using the word "khaki", I'd advise adding the "green" after. "Khaki green" is at least enough of an ambiguously weird color that you could get away with it, but just "khaki" by itself makes me think of these Navy uniforms, which are very much not the same color as these. Sakaros^Talk 19:46, 18 June 2021 (UTC)
        • "Khaki green" is an acceptable solution. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 20:56, 22 June 2021 (UTC)
  • "Clone Commander CC-3433 stood at the edge of the perimeter..." – The statistics say Liberator takes place from 16-15 BBY; were they still using clone titles by that point? Weren't all clones just absorbed into the Stormtrooper Corps?
    • That's a good catch. Removed "Clone". Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:42, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "The dull gray angular architecture of the Imperial structures clashed against the rolling organic forests that surrounded them, a stark juxtaposition of two opposing ideologies." – The first clause works well by employing cold architecture against nature as a metaphor for Imperial philosophy, but the second clause sinks the value of the metaphor by beating the reader over the head with it. I'd drop the second clause.
    • Agreed. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:42, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "Trip looked up as two of the lumbering AT-RT walkers strode by, each piloted by a single trooper." – This was a marginal case of whether I could do it for you, so I erred on the side of caution. You already mentioned above that AT-RTs are single-pilot craft.
    • Agreed, corrected. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 20:56, 22 June 2021 (UTC)
  • "a streak of hot light slammed into one pilot’s helmet" – You and your poetic alternatives to "blaster bolt", man...
  • "The troopers complied obediently" – I suppose they could've complied begrudgingly, but is the adverb worth it?
    • Changed to "immediately." Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:42, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "Thirty-one dead, ninety-five wounded, two AT-RT walkers destroyed" – Just a note: these are staggeringly high casualties; it's effectively an entire company KIA or WIA, plus its mechanized support.
    • The casualty numbers are high intentionally. It highlights two things: Trip isn't a very good commander (far too by-the-book) and these insurgents have some serious firepower. They're not your average guerrilla fighters; they're well-trained and well-armed , led by a band of experienced mercenaries. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 12:45, 19 June 2021 (UTC)
      • Fair. That fits with the later reveal of Romierr and the firepower he has on hand, too. Sakaros^Talk 20:40, 19 June 2021 (UTC)
  • This is a big one: Didn't Selu just go through that whole "Don't quit being a Jedi" thing with Quinlan Vos in Smuggler? This renewed Force reticence feels weird. Also, Cassi, Spectre, and Milya are one thing, but Sarth is his brother; why would he keep him at a distance? Especially after he went to Emberlene for Sarth to begin with. Also also, neglecting Jedi skills makes him astrogating to the magical mystery planetoid a harder sell, particularly when he's seriously injured. Also x3 (but relatedly), in Smuggler, his abilities diminished due to lack of practice; why haven't they here?
    • Now this is quite a can o' worms to open, with "this" being "Selu's psychological state in II and III!" In Smuggler, Selu felt adrift in that he couldn't reconcile his identity as a Jedi in the new Imperial galaxy. He felt that without the structure of the Jedi Order, its discipline and the community of other Jedi, he was slipping toward the dark side, sort of like an athlete who does better in a team environment and gets into trouble when out-of-season. Selu is not much of a loner and he intentionally decided to stop using the Force at the time he met Vos. In his mind, he reconnected with that side of himself, picked up his powers again—and within a very short period of time, it led him to nuking a city. Now, there's a lot more complicated nuance to it than that, and he did save his brother and survive Ventress thanks to his powers, but despite his words to Milya and his attempts at recovery, he's pretty guilt-ridden. In Smuggler, he stopped using his powers because he didn't know who he was anymore and was worried about loss of personal control. At the end of the book, his perspective is that his powers are so dangerous and terrible, that he doesn't want to use them because the last time he did, thousands died. As far as Sarth goes, yes, Sarth is his brother, and they've been together the longest by..well, not that long given that he met Cassi shortly after Sarth, but long enough. However, Sarth is better at fixing-than-listening and Selu won't want to hear the "but you saved me/us" speech again. He also recognizes that Sarth is pretty distracted/pre-occupied with Cassi and while Selu wishes them happiness, he doesn't want to intrude. Lastly, Selu (and to an extent Sarth) don't really have a good handle on how to be brothers, given that they've been separated for a long time. Selu doesn't think of Sarth the way that he thought of, say, Skip, and Sarth was largely an only child for many years. As far as astrogating while injured, Selu is always at his most powerful when pushed to the limits. Crippling lack of self-confidence characterizes his largest limitation (that and lightsaber combat, I suppose). When there are others counting on him to survive, that's when he's able to put all that aside and really wield the Force. It leads to an interesting exercise as a writer to see how far I can push him before he completely snaps. At any rate, Selu's ability to navigate is also somewhat easier for him in that all he has to do is listen to the Force to tell him where to go, rather than trying to direct it to do what he wants. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 12:45, 19 June 2021 (UTC)
      • I buy most of that (although NB that it's clearer here than it ever is in the novel, at least to me), with a couple caveats. First, although your description of both Sarth's and Selu's characters squares with the narrative (here and in Fugitive and Smuggler), I think it's a little weaker given the time gap. It'd be one thing if Sarth had been mooning over Cassie for a couple months to the neglect of all else, but it's been two years since Smuggler; not a) recognizing that something's deeply wrong with his brother, and b) trying to fix it (which is, as you say, his character) seems neglectful. I'd even buy it if there was a note that Sarth tried periodically and Selu rebuffed him every time, since that fits Selu's "I am a rock. I am an iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisland" nature (and he can be kind of a jerk, especially to those close to him), but the nothing seems weird to me. Second point: It's addressed in later comments, so I struck it here, but unless I'm grossly misremembering Smuggler (and, though it's been a while now, I finished it only days before I started Liberator and wrote these comments), Selu's Force powers weren't really the key to the death of Emberlene. It'd be one thing if that "millions of voices suddenly crying out in terror, and being suddenly silenced" feeling made him want to turn the Force off entirely; I have to imagine that's traumatic, especially for one involved in the destruction. But the narrative seems like it's saying it was Selu using his Force powers that led to the destruction of Emberlene, whereas I remember it being mostly resemblance to Sarth and really high Deception rolls. If I completely misunderstood Smuggler, please correct me, but if not, Selu suggesting he misused or abused his Force powers to bring down Emberlene seems odd. Alternatively, if you're suggesting he's an unreliable narrator, that isn't clear; nobody ever calls him on it, so if he is unreliable, it just seems like gaslighting the reader. Sakaros^Talk 20:40, 19 June 2021 (UTC)
  • "“No,” Selu said curtly, hoping to forestall further advances down this line of inquiry." – I'd kill everything after "curtly", then merge with the following paragraph.
    • Agreed. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:21, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "indication that she and Spectre had been training very recently." – Cut all; she mentioned training with Spectre above.
    • Sure, I'll go for that. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:42, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "Before Emberlene, he had contemplated feelings for Milya." – He had? Did I miss that in Smuggler?
  • "Besides, the Jedi Code had forbidden such attachments for good reason." – Insert a section break after this for the POV change.
    • Agreed. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:21, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
  • Minor HH from Milya to Selu on the Hawk-bat as they approach for boarding. Easy tweak to just make Milya sound disbelieving rather than the narrator relaying that emotion.
  • "“Yes, Captain,” Albers replied obediently." – A thought only—in the real military, addressing a superior by rank (rather than "sir" or "ma'am") is disrespectful. This is a particularly bad case of it, since Albers wasn't yelling "Captain!" to get his attention; he was replying to Nebulax's call, and so clearly already had his attention.
    • Without a clear indication one way or another in the GFFA that I could think of off-hand (as it does happen in other sci-fi franchises), I've reworded it. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:00, 22 June 2021 (UTC)
  • "heading for the door that led to the turbolift" – Another section break after this, with the POV shift.
    • Agreed. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:21, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
  • There's a bit of head-hopping between Milya and Selu in the encounter with Ajaur.
  • "Milya saw the turbolaser turrets begin to pivot towards them menacingly." – Can the turbolasers fire into the hangar bay? That seems like a design flaw too dumb for even the Empire.
  • "another near-miss from a turbolaser detonated near the aft quarter" – Do turbolaser blasts detonate? It's not an artillery shell; if it missed, wouldn't it just keep going?
    • So, this is one where the movies, drawing from WWII combat, depict turbolasers differently than how you'd expect them to work as just a glob of superheated plasma, which leads to some hackneyed, inconsistent descriptions in lore to account for it. The Millennium Falcon noticeably shakes and bucks even when it's not being directly hit. Explicitly, the New Essential Guide to Weapons and Technology indicates that some energy bolts can explode on impact. However, in the spirit of staying more consistent with ... let's say sensible physics, I have updated the description. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 20:56, 22 June 2021 (UTC)
  • Another one-paragraph head-hop to Sarth when the shields go.
    • I've reworded the paragraph some to make it less from-Sarth's-POV, but I don't feel that objectively it's a change of perspective with the edits. Not everything must be so strictly 3rd-person-limited. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:21, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
      • The edits make it a murky enough case for me to look past it. Sakaros^Talk 17:53, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "it was not new information, as his own readouts already told him their dire straits." – I'd drop the entire first clause and change the preceding semicolon to a comma and "as" to "though".
    • While this is rather stylistic, I agree it's more concise and have changed it. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:42, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
• CHAPTER 2
  • "“Right on time, Jorge,” she greeted him pleasantly." – As opposed to greeting him contemptuously?
    • I agree it's redundant with her smile in the previous paragraph. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:23, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "The Corellian nodded, his gaze sweeping over her approvingly." – "approvingly" is an awkward, almost creepy adverb here.
    • Sure. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:23, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "“You look handsome as well,” Annita replied, noting his dark-colored suit with the high collar that was the height of middle-class men’s dress fashion in the Core Worlds." – To trim some telling, maybe end the quotation with a period, drop the dialogue tag, then restructure the following sentence to, "His dark-colored, high-collared suit was the height..."
  • "Now, he couldn’t even see any of the others for Annita. They had been dating for nearly a year now, and Jorge had never been happier." – The paragraph in which this appears is otherwise fine, but this head-hops into Jorge.
    • Reworded. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:23, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • The blow-by-blow of the boxnov three-step drags a little; it's only a paragraph, but it's a long paragraph. Speaking of long, an hour of dancing is also pretty tiring—doable, certainly, but NB that with eight songs in an hour, each song averages 7.5 minutes long, which is also a lot.
    • Slight rewording to reduce average song length. As a decently-experienced dancer, an hour of dancing is pretty doable in that style unless you're either really flashy and professional (which they're not) or really out of shape (ditto). Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:23, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "“You’re right!” Annita replied excitedly, noting that the moon was full and rising." – Jorge's explanation in the previous line means you could stop as "'You're right!' Annita replied excitedly." (or even "Annita exclaimed"); he uses the exact words "moon is full and rising".
  • "“It’s so pretty,” she said, entranced by the moon and water, gazing out across the surface to absorb the beauty." – Similarly, this one could end at "entranced". We know why she's entranced.
    • Agreed for conciseness. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:23, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "they had the attention of probably two dozen onlookers." – This itself is fine, but I think it negates the need for "in plain sight of all the other people in the area" earlier in the paragraph. Keeping only the later instance also goes along with the idea of realizing with surprise that they've drawn attention.
    • Agreed for conciseness. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "“And isn’t Cassi the designated medic thanks to those HoloNet classes she took and first-aid training she took in school?”" – Everything after "medic" is telling masquerading as showing.
  • If Selu can split his focus enough to talk to Milya, why can't he split it enough to have a drink of water?
    • I'll buy that. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:23, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
• CHAPTER 3
  • "no doubt ill-pleased with having to bear bad news" – Telling
  • "Nebulax’s stomach soured at the thought of dealing with Ajaur, recalling that the last time they had met, the Inquisitor had somehow strangled him from across the room." – Everything after the comma is unnecessary. Barring a reader who put the story down for weeks between 1-2 and 3-4, they'll remember.
  • HH: Nebulax to Ajaur when the latter goes to meditate; line break should work.
  • HH: Back to Nebulax from Ajaur after the call from Vader; another line break.
  • Is it really still "Deep space" when they're at a planet? Surely by then it's the something-or-other system, or at least the nebula? Unrelatedly, every time I read this in bold (and you call it "Deep space" throughout), all I can think of is the Guardians of the Galaxy's introduction in Infinity War, where it said "SPACE" in 1,000-point font.
  • HH: Spectre to Milya when she goes to inform Selu
  • "there was a large bacta patch on his ribs" – Would this accomplish anything? If his injuries are all internal, wouldn't a bacta injection do more good?
    • Sure, but the guy was punched in the ribs at least twice, so while yes, there were likely better methods out there in a perfect environment, the patch might have been what they had, and it's a mischaracterization to say all his injuries were internal. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:26, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
      • I'll buy that. Make do with what you have. Sakaros^Talk 17:53, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "“I can’t sense anything,” Cassi told him." – Is there any reason she should? This follows Selu perceiving the strength of the place in the Force; Cassi's not Force-sensitive (yet), is she?
    • An interesting question. Being from Bakura, Cassi does not come from a world where Jedi would be particularly known or screened for prior to the Clone Wars. I have left it deliberately vague as to what degree of latent Force-sensitivity that Cassi and Milya had prior to imbuement. Regardless, her statement here is not meant to allude to any Force-sensitivity. It's a contrasting statement. She's saying that she can't "sense" anything in the same way that Selu can, but she feels that psychologically it seems inviting. There's precedent for Force-related auras or effects influencing non-Force-sensitives, i.e. Korriban feeling chilling and creepy. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
      • Italics on the word "sense" might make the contrast clearer, but I see the way you meant it with the explanation. Sakaros^Talk 22:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • HH: Milya to Selu when he dives in after Cassi and Sarth
  • "“I’m coming,” he called reassuringly." – Given the context of hurtling at breakneck pace to possible doom, I feel an exclamation point might be justified, if for no other reason than to convey volume.
    • Sure. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • How on earth is Selu not half-dead from that fall and the various impacts, not to mention straining his shoulder just shy of dislocation? Ajaur did a number on him, and he clearly wasn't fully healed.
  • "eschewing the use of power that he had seen firsthand could easily be used for evil" – This line makes Selu's Force-shyness even more inexplicable than it already was. He didn't use the Force for evil, either on Commenor or Emberlene; he pretty much got into Mistryl HQ on his wits and his resemblance to Sarth. Asajj Ventress did, I suppose, but that was a pretty minor evil, all things considered.
  • "“No, there’s something here all right,” / “Why not?” she replied." – "Why not?" doesn't seem like a logical reply to Sarth's statement.
  • HH: Pinballing into everyone's impressions when Selu steps through the illusory wall.
  • "his heart sank with dismay" – I think "his heart sank" suffices, particularly given the context.
    • Condensed. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • "clearly hurt and angry by his reference to her lost parents" – All telling. Kill it with delete!
  • HH: Selu to Milya as she crosses the illusory barrier.
  • "conserving their air supply in case they might need it later" – Unnecessary telling; the preceding conversation makes this clear.
  • "His body protested..." – The sentence beginning thus is the first time Selu acknowledges any limitations from his numerous injuries. This relates back to an earlier point, but it seems like his injuries are only mentioned to show you haven't forgotten them, without actually impacting or limiting him in any meaningful way. He only begins to experience the weight of his injuries when he leaves the tower in the following chapter.
  • HH: Miscellaneous on the way to the tower, including Sarth and Cassi.
  • "Sarth had smaller blaster pistols in hand that they had acquired on their travels" – Does it matter where and when he got them?
    • No, I presume it's generally easy to acquire a blaster on any number of fringe worlds. Since Cassi's never mentioned as carrying weapons in Smuggler, the change to having a weapon is a enough of a change that it merited a mention; Sarth previously had been armed. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
      • I'm not sure I agree that the change of Cassi having a weapon since Smuggler demanded a special mention (i.e., I can't imagine any reader saying, "Aha! Plothole, Ataru! Cassi never had a blaster in the book set two years before this one! And how about those boots she's wearing, hmmm? I don't recall you mentioning a visit to the cobbler's; did they miraculously appear in the hold?!"), but that's not a sticking point for me either; she and Sarth are among the armed crewmates, so it fits naturally. It's the "that they had acquired on their travels" that seems superfluous; nobody's going to find it odd that a smuggler has a gun, and the acquisition never comes up again. I think it's fluff to trim, but if you're really married to it, I'll strike it. Sakaros^Talk 22:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • “Please tell me that you did that without telling us, Selu,” – The whole exchange that follows this is funny, but it seems out of character for Selu, who's obviously wound tight and has been no-nonsense the whole time.
    • I don't determine a little sarcasm to be out of character for Selu, especially if it's with Milya, whom he was sarcastic with in Chapter 2. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
      • I phrased that poorly; I meant out of character in this situation (i.e., Selu is in his uber-serious, "I must be all business, lest the fate I wrought upon Emberlene befall others" mode). That said, you know your characters and how they'd respond even in a stressful, dangerous situation better than I do. Sakaros^Talk 22:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • I'm not sure how I feel about Milya not knowing Revan's name. He seems kind of like Julius Caesar—even if you aren't familiar with his many accomplishments and actions, most people have probably heard of him. I'd think that would be even more so for someone trained by the Sun Guard, and thus raised in a military environment. Further, in Chapter 7, we learn she's heard of the Kanz Disorders, which seem less universal knowledge.
    • I'm not particularly persuaded as to the severity of this. Milya has the least formal education of them and there are a plethora of reasons why the Kanz Disorders would be something she's heard of, compared to Revan. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
      • I don't buy the reasoning of the Kanz Disorders (regional conflict in a region Milya isn't from) being more commonly known than Revan (individual who led the defeat of one major galactic power, then subsequently became one himself and nearly toppled the Republic, around the same time as the Disorders beginning), but I can concede on "Milya was the redheaded stepchild of her family who got a piecemeal education that doesn't make sense because it wasn't structured." Sakaros^Talk 22:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • “Be very careful when answering that,” – This is slightly less of a non-sequitur than the previous example, but it still seems an awkward response to what Cassi said; she's already given her answer.
    • I don't follow this one. Selu is trying to warn her of the dangers of getting involved with things bigger than her, like ancient Force ghosts. I don't think it's a non-sequitur for him, a trained Force-user, to warn her of the peril of getting involved in "damned-fool crusades" that she doesn't know much about. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
      • I get the warning he's trying to convey; it's the phrasing that's odd to me. He's telling her to be careful how to answer the question that she asked him. I would even see clear to the response he gives if she asked "Shouldn't we hear what they have to say?", because that would imply the group dynamic, but she specifically asks "Don’t you want to hear what they have to say?", targeting it at Selu. Sakaros^Talk 22:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • Selu gives up the argument pretty abruptly. Milya's point is a good one, but we haven't seen any internal dilemma from Selu, which makes his concession feel more artificial than I think it really is.
• CHAPTER 4
  • If Cassi knows who the Rakata are, maybe she should be the one to fill Milya in on Revan, and let Selu flesh out her explanation with more detail.
  • "“I . . . I don’t know,” Cassi stammered in surprise, caught off-guard by the question." – Drop the final clause.
  • The POV shift isn't as abrupt when Selu storms out, but a line break might be helpful, especially when it becomes clear that Milya's now the POV.
  • Trip stiffens thrice in six paragraphs. I couldn't decide how to handle this one, since all seemed vaguely fitting, so I'm leaving that to you to sort out.
  • "That was how the world of Emberlene had died." – ...was it, though?
• CHAPTER 5
  • HH: Selu to Milya about how she almost did this, that, and the other.
  • "preferring not to discuss her early years too much" – Some telling for the chopping block.
  • "recognizing Selu’s intransigence" – A brief HH to Revan, of all people.
  • I'd recommend having the dialogue of the vision people be in italics, not quotes; it emphasis the not-presentness of it, and avoids confusion when present Selu speaks.
  • "likely from being struck" – Telling for removal; context makes it clear.
  • "the vision had clearly upset him" – You don't say! And you shouldn't say. I know I sometimes needle you about thinking your readers won't pick up on context clues, but missing this would require them to be objectively stupid. If you trust them to know what "tatterdemalion" means, you can trust them to intuit the subtlety of Selu being distraught at watching all of his friends and family being murdered or enslaved.
• CHAPTER 6
  • HH: Cassi to Sarth as respect and admiration well up within him.
  • "He could scarcely believe that she had agreed to marry him, but she had." – A quick recap for readers who zoned out for the last few paragraphs...
  • HH: Back to Cassi, when Sarth goes to round up the posse for the marriage news.
  • HH: Selu to Milya when they hug.
  • "a subtle and unstated rebuke" – And yet, a clear enough one that it would still come across that way if you dropped this.
  • "The sight of starlight, of lights shining down on them from other planets," – It's a nitpick, but that is not what starlight is. I recommend "from other systems".
  • "Mr. Samtel" is an odd way of addressing Samtel Kraen. "Mr. Kraen" would make sense, if carried over from childhood, or "Samtel", if indicative of their status as equal adults. In my experience, only two categories of people are addressed as "Mr./Mrs./Ms. Firstname": masters by their servants and/or slaves, and kindergarten teachers by their students.
  • Is the wedding in four or eight months? You use both numbers at different points. Later, in Chapter 15, Annita thinks "Their wedding was so close, within a month"—is the time gap between these events three months or seven?
  • I feel like the lines beginning with "Jorge scowled" and ending with "knowing she was right" should be transposed above; otherwise, he concedes the argument, then re-opens it and concedes again.
  • Also, quick HH to Jorge, then back.
  • HH from Annita to Norres.
• CHAPTER 7
  • "Grinning evilly" – I'm sure he is, but is that the sort of observation one makes about oneself?
  • This time it's Convarion calling Nebulax "Captain" instead of "sir".
  • HH: Cassi to Milya, when Milya reflects on her upbringing.
  • HH: Taskien to Trip, then back to Taskien
• CHAPTER 8
  • A lot of Selu's internal reflection about Milya relying on her Echani training could be cut, since he echoes it aloud right after.
  • "Milya’s frown was just barely evident over the upper edge of the blindfold." – Either Milya has a very unusual facial configuration, or this is not how blindfolds work.
  • "You are dismissed" – Does Taskien have authority to dismiss Trip? It seemed like they were parallels, not superior and subordinate. It is possible that it's my misunderstanding.
  • Out of curiosity, why didn't Selu make real lightsabers with the ability to dial up the blade shielding for training purposes? Especially conspicuous in retrospect after Chapter 12, since he does just that for his own new weapon.
• CHAPTER 9
  • "The slash had only lightly punched through the armor" – It's described as a knife, not a vibroblade, so how on earth did it pierce stormtrooper armor? I'd think even a vibroblade would struggle with that on a slash.
  • "She could see a pair of white-armored silhouettes approaching" – If they're silhouettes, how does she know they're in white armor?
  • HH: Ajaur to Nebulax when Ajaur threatens to hunt down Selu's friends and family, then back to Ajaur at the end of the chapter.
• CHAPTER 10
  • "who had similarly drawn his weapon" – Unnecessary telling; context makes it clear.
  • HH: Milya to Spectre when he gives her the gift.
  • "alluding to the attraction he had expressed" – Not only telling, but also robotic enough to sap some of the excitement of the moment for the reader.
  • HH: Back to Milya after she kisses Spectre.
  • "Milya teased him acidly" – This is an odd tonal contrast. "Tease", although it can be mean-spirited, is usually more playful between adults, and is a pretty low-level word even when used unpleasantly. "Acidly", by contrast, is a pretty hefty and much more hostile adverb.
• CHAPTER 11
  • HH: It's hard to tell who's the native POV when Annita and Jorge go to visit Lena, but there's hopping involved.
  • "Jorge blinked, then recalled that she had once been a hyperspace scout herself, well-familiar with the dangers of space travel." – I'm torn on this one; it's telling, and you've already alluded to her spacefaring past above to boot. That said, I'm not sure I would've understood you meant "we both know better" because they both know spacefaring is dangerous, rather than because they both know Selu's a Jedi and thus a marked man. That said, I'm not sure the distinction between those two matters for the story. Referred to you for further consideration.
  • "healing the damage that Theros’s lightning bolts had inflicted" – I'm not sure what this means. If you meant using Force healing, isn't that a power from which dark siders are cut off? And if you meant letting it heal naturally, maybe something like, "giving the damage Theros's lightning bolts had inflicted time to heal"?
• CHAPTER 12
  • "the rest of the crew had complied. Milya was there as well, looking hale and well-rested..." – "the rest of the crew" already implies Milya's presence; I'd cut down to "Milya looked hale and well-rested..."
  • "the apparition of Bao-Dur, the technically-minded Zabrak" – This late in the game, I think reminding people about Bao-Dur's technical expertise is unnecessary.
  • Continuity: Mira was assigned to help train Spectre back in Chapter 6, but she floats off with Sarth and Bao-Dur during the lightsaber construction.
  • It comes across oddly speaking of Spectre's memory in company with Selu (who has an eidetic one) and Sarth (who is implied to be around Selu's level). I've never heard that the clones had eidetic memories, and though Spectre is certainly well-trained as an ARC, I doubt he's in the same league.
  • "The six blades hummed gently as they were borne by each of their makers." – Five Jedi, with Milya's double-bladed lightsaber and Selu's shoto, totals seven blades; I didn't correct this only because I wasn't sure whether you'd want "the seven blades" or "the six weapons".
• CHAPTER 13
  • "a fellow Jango Fett clone. He had always felt more comfortable around other Fett clones" – I know the Spaarti got involved in the Clone Wars somehow, but realistically, is there any other type of clone Trip would reference? The second use of "Fett" is extra unnecessary; even if there is ambiguity somehow, the first sentence removes it.
  • "sending hot light and missiles" – More "hot light". If you insist on keeping this somewhere, I'd keep it here and ax it way back in Chapter 1.
  • "As it turned out, she was—barely." – I'd cut this. Trip has no way of knowing, and you're shifting from third-person limited to third-person omniscient for one sentence. Further, removing it preserves a little suspense, at least until after the line break. Further, the section following the line break makes clear both the "she was" and the "barely".
  • HH: Taskien to Trip after she's sedated.
  • "He squinted at the tiny sigils, trying to read them" – Out of curiosity, why leave out the first and last lines of the Sith Code?
  • "a meter-long blade of crimson light" – Maybe "crimson plasma"? It's the same issue as with "hot light" for blaster bolts—a lightsaber, despite the name, is not actually made of light; it just gives off light, and even from a metaphorical/poetic sense, it's weakened by repetition.
  • HH: Jasnan, Terthbak, Neach..."However, this time, they were wrong" even tosses in a third-person omniscient for variety.
  • "their species was hidden from view respectively by the hood and armor that they wore" – Probably more telling than is needed; the armor speaks for itself, and the hood's shadowiness could be worked in above.
  • "Selu had been given a set of armor once worn by Revan" – We know—we were there. Maybe "Selu had donned Revan's armor"?
  • "casting a Force illusion—something Revan and Meetra had shown him" – We know; we were there for that, too. In fact, wasn't that the same instance when Revan gave Selu the armor? I don't recall Meetra being there for that, though...
  • While I concede that Revan, Meetra, and Bastila said the old Jedi ways might be gone, and that's okay as long as one stays in the light, I feel like threatening to torture someone to make someone else talk—even if it's an empty threat—is not exactly the light-sided way, to say nothing of the Jedi way. And that's not getting into whether Milya actually knew he was bluffing.
    • SELF-AWARENESS EDIT: Yes, I recognize that Tirien pulled this exact stunt in Sins of the Father, but he did reflect internally that he was straying out of the light and into the nebulous shadows between light and dark to do it.
  • "Apparently the Empire has devised a way to detect the Force technologically" – ...how? I was willing to accept "non-Force-sensitives suddenly become not only Force-sensitive, but expedited Jedi" on suspension of disbelief, but an author only gets one such suspension for free.
    • You'll have to ask Kevin J. Anderson on this one. Non-Force-sensitives becoming Force-sensitive is similarly done in Legends, with the Empire Reborn (admittedly by different means). I would also be careful about classifying these 5 as full Jedi: only Selu is truly capable in the Jedi arts (and questionably so at that). The other four progress to the skill level of roughly Jedi Padawans, which is still remarkable but not unprecedented within the universe. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 17:53, 12 July 2021 (UTC)
      • Ah, yes, the pre-midichlorians Force quantifier; I do remember that from Jedi Search. That one had to work at point-blank range, though; it seemed like the tech on the Observant could detect Force-sensitives remotely. Or did I misunderstand that? Sakaros^Talk 18:01, 12 July 2021 (UTC)
        • The Observant has a larger and clunkier model that uses the same technology to gain greater range while requiring a full starship to power it. There's no strict Legends precedent for such a device, but there doesn't seem to be any clear technical limitation given in Jedi Search that would preclude such a device from existing. Given that, I don't think it's my most egregious rule-bending. If you want to include midi-chlorians (and I do try not to), you could consider it a sensor that would scan for concentrations of such creatures if we chose to acknowledge them. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 21:35, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
          • Whereas I go the opposite way—I reconcile the existence of the Force paddles by thinking of them as a non-blood-test way of detecting midichlorian concentrations. In any event, I agree that it's not your most egregious one, and since it never actually plays a role in the plot, I'll strike this one on the "in for a penny..." principle. Sakaros^Talk 22:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
  • HH: Selu to Milya while she's trying to see the right destination.
  • "recalling how she had seen one man hurling his weapons with great strength only to later gently put his arm around a woman, his wife, cradling a newborn that had to be their daughter" – These are details to include in the vision itself; they're telling here.
  • "drawing on his conversations with Revan" – Unnecessary telling
  • "at a loss to explain the abnormal experiences she had been having." – I do find thee guilty of being telling, o clause, and condemn thee to die.
• CHAPTER 14
  • How long has this assault on the rebel base been going on? Since last we checked in with Trip and Taskien, Ajaur had multiple days to master Quey'tek meditation, and Selu & Friends Colleagues Those People With Him became pirates and terrorized an Imperial scout ship crew. For that matter, weren't the Imperials supposed to arrive two hours after Revan & Friends Followers sent them on their way? I think it's Ajaur's segment that's throwing me off.
  • "It ignored the blasts" – "ignored" is a weird way to anthropomorphize an insentient ship in this context. Maybe "shrugged off"?
  • HH: Trip to Doriana in the paragraph about the Xi Charrians.
  • "you performed the autopsy on both of the Mistryl" – Annita performed the autopsy? Nothing in Liberator or Smuggler suggests she has a medical background.
• CHAPTER 15
  • "hundreds of thousands of meters below" – So...hundreds of kilometers? The first few paragraphs lavish detail on "They decanted from hyperspace and landed on the planet", which is fine—diff'rent strokes—but this one crosses into artificial inflation.
  • "to dig a hollow into the snow in a rocky hollow" – One of the "hollow"s has to go, but I'm having trouble envisioning exactly what you meant here, so I couldn't decide how to rephrase.
  • "If we keep standing here, it will be harder to answer that question." – I get what Sarth means, but it wasn't actually a question.
  • "First off, it’s very poor Basic..." – This speech is three sentences long, which is a long time without attributing it to a speaker; even just "said a new voice" after the first sentence would be a massive help.
  • "calling her by a pet name as he realized that she was analyzing the room" – The first part is unnecessary, and I think the second is too; if anything, there must be a more organic way of noting that he understands what she's doing without essentially repeating the lines above.
  • Wouldn't Annita's first instinct be to draw her off-duty weapon and clear the apartment? After all, she and Jorge know someone has been in the apartment, but not that the someone has left.
  • "“Oh really? A cut? I don’t remember that.” Then Jorge caught the look in her eyes and played along." – This after Annita has both given the code phrase and shown Jorge the listening device. Jorge...he is not the brightest filament in the glowpanel, is he?
  • "fully understanding what she meant by disappearing into the night." – Much like readers could be trusted to understand... The following sentences give more detail, which I'd understand wanting to keep, but this quoted clause could easily go.
• CHAPTER 16
  • "relying on the age-old military tradition of complaining about superior officers." – This is kind of a weird observation—not that it isn't a thing (it definitely is, both in the GFFA and in real life)—but Selu's an odd one to make it, considering that, as a Jedi Commander and then a Jedi General, he was the superior officer for most of his short military career. This would be a more natural observation coming from Spectre.
  • "“Your confidence in my abilities is so overwhelming,” Selu said sarcastically." – This time I'd strike the dialogue tag altogether; we know from the sequence it's Selu, and the sarcasm is clearly implied.
  • "Too late!" – Oh no! This exclamation point (which occurs in narrative, not dialogue) jarred me right out of the narrative.
  • "hearing the rewarding scream of pain pierce his ear" – "Ah, yes, the sweet sound of a living being's suffering; I do love the little things. I am a Jedi Knight, somehow..."
  • "I out of duty, and Spectre out of obligation" – I don't understand the hair you're splitting here.
  • It takes a week to go from Zhar (P-17) to Darlyn Boda (K-18)? It should be a simple trip: Duros Space Run from Zhar to Darkknell, Hydian Way to Eriadu, and either the Nothoiin Corridor or the Lipsec Run into K-18. A week seems like a long time.
• CHAPTER 17
  • "They manipulated us into fighting a galactic war which divided the Jedi and killed dozens" – Even with the understanding that Order 66 and Operation Knightfall are addressed in the following sentence, "dozens" is a gross underestimation of the number of Jedi killed in the Clone Wars. In Labyrinth of Evil, Yoda mentions that twenty-seven Jedi were killed at the Battle of Belderone in one day.
  • "We are Jedi Knights sent to you with an important message" – Are they really Jedi Knights, though? Up until this point, I was thinking of that line in The Jedi Path that said failed Padawans could just go by the title "Jedi", and I figured the four non-Selus would be doing the same. Or is this like Luke lying to Jabba that he was a Jedi Knight in order to seem more impressive? Of the four, Sarth and Cassi seem the least likely to pull that stunt...
• CHAPTER 18
  • "“Always straight to business, that’s the Fett clones,”" – Same as before: as opposed to what other type of clones?
  • "the first words Trip had heard her say in weeks" – I'm sure this is true, but has he seen her since he rescued her? This makes it sound like he's been checking on her regularly and not heard her speak.
  • "“Nothing,” Spectre answered quickly. “I’ll go check on the prisoners.”" – This makes Spectre seem intimidated, which is uncharacteristic for an ARC Trooper-turned-Jedi.
  • "Distracted and still irate, he didn’t quite hear the lock not fully catch due to a cleverly-sabotaged locking mechanism." – A shift from third-person limited to third-person omniscient.
  • "irked by Selu’s testy reply" – Cut; telling what's already shown.
  • How on earth did Spectre learned Teräs Käsi?
• CHAPTER 19
  • "the normative behavior he had come to expect" – Either "the normative behavior" or "the behavior he had come to expect", but not both; otherwise, it's redundant. I'd advise the latter; "normative behavior" in this context comes across stilted, especially from a soldier.
  • "Trip started, caught off guard at how she had taken his remarks" – I think everything after "started" could go.
  • HH: Trip to Taskien as they're getting seated, then quickly back to Trip.
  • "Cassi reddened, recalling their kiss from a minute earlier." – Another "kill after the comma".
  • "Spectre pointed out, referring to his own injury and Selu’s recent sickness" – Selu's illness speaks for itself. If you want to remind the reader about Spectre's injury, maybe something more natural like, "Spectre pointed out, rubbing his left shoulder".
  • Continuity: Milya's been on Darlyn Boda for two weeks. The Twi'lek reported she was a Jedi the day she arrived. The Corrupter expected to arrive within a week. What have the Imperials been doing?
  • HH: Milya to Jahlel as she prepares for the challenge.
  • "The enormous Matukai warrior towered over her, and she knew her head didn’t even come up to his chest" – Trim to "Her head didn't even come up to the Matukai warrior's chest"; both clauses are saying the same thing ("he's tall").
  • HH: Milya to Grysloth after the duel.
• CHAPTER 20
  • "Alert all commands" – When Admiral Piett said this in Empire Strikes Back, I took it to mean, "Notify the entire Imperial Navy to be on the lookout for the Millennium Falcon, and apprehend it if sighted." Here, Nebulax can't possibly mean "Tell the entire Imperial Navy we've arrived at Darlyn Boda", can he? Or do you have a different understanding of "Alert all commands"?
  • "Convarion smiled faintly, an indication of his pleasure at having shown up Nebulax, particularly in front of Ajaur." – Everything after "faintly" should go; it's either unnecessary telling, head-hopping into Convarion's emotions, or both.
  • "Nebulax saluted to signal an end to the conversation, waited for Convarion to return the salute..." – Military etiquette: Junior always salutes first, and breaks the salute only once the senior has returned it. If the senior wants to indicate the end of the conversation, he'll just say "Dismissed", "That is all", or something more relaxed (although that last wouldn't fit Nebulax).
  • "However, they both knew that his assignment to accompany Ajaur was a form of punishment and revenge." – Even if the conversation itself hadn't made this clear, the preceding sentences of the paragraph do; this whole sentence could be dropped.
  • "Two of the guards shed their weapons..." – "shed their weapons" is a strange way of phrasing this. Holstered, handed off...whatever they did to not have weapons in hand would be both clearer and less head-scratchy.
  • "Every single clone raised a hand, indicating they volunteered" – Every single reader knows what raising a hand means, especially when Trip just led with, "I need a volunteer."
  • "Using the vibroblade, Rothery was able to cut through the seat back, stabbing the guard that Trip was holding" – No principle of "First, do no harm"? I'll buy it if you say no—Rothery is an Imperial doctor, after all—but a thought for consideration.
    • Coming back to this after Chapter 25, in which she says, "Because I’m a doctor. It’s what I do." You can't have it both ways—either she's a doctor, and she's committed to healing and protecting lives, or she's a combatant and can't be trusted. I could buy her killing the insurgents with some guilt, since they're threatening her own safety, but either she shouldn't hold the scalpel to Milya's throat (Milya was a semi-conscious non-threat), or she shouldn't agree to help Milya thereafter. If she does both, you need to find a way to reconcile the difference beyond "I'm Imperial"; spur-of-the-moment, stress-induced, subsequently-regretted poor decisionmaking would be my suggestion for the scalpel incident.
    • "I’ve taken lives before, Doctor. And I hated it enough to never want to do it again.” / “Me too,” Rothery said." – This supports my "Rothery should show some regret about killing the insurgents" argument, even if she still goes through with it.
  • "She looked around and realized she was lying on a bed in the healer’s dwelling, judging by the smell" – If she's looking around (and has been here before, as the following sentence notes), why does she have to rely on smell?
  • "Milya found herself temporarily at a loss for words to reply to the perceptive Arkanian" – Ax everything after "words"; it's clear what they'd be for.
  • For the paragraph beginning "The earsplitting scream of a quartet of starfighters...", either Milya needs a window to observe this, or you've slipped into third-person omniscient. Also, "they began running around frantically" seems like an undisciplined reaction for a bunch of Matukai, especially when the fighters have only buzzed them at this point, not fired.
  • "“The east,” she said after a moment, pointing a hand in the opposite direction of the setting sun." – This would have been repetitive telling even on Tokmia (where you've established the sun rises in the west and sets in the east), but on Darlyn Boda, which evidently has the "normal" (Earth and most GFFA planets) configuration, why bother noting it at all?
    • This begs another question: When settling or colonizing a planet, why don't all people identify the two poles, pick one to be "north", and let the others fall into line accordingly? In other words, why doesn't the sun rise "east" on every planet?
  • HH: Milya to third-person omniscient, then to Xlora, then to Ajaur, then back to 3PO, then back to Ajaur, then to Milya again, then back to Ajaur, then Milya, then Selu, then 3PO, and finally Ajaur during the Imperial attack. That's eleven in one scene.
  • Continuity: This starts in 19, but continues and culminates here, as I feared it would: Selu, Spectre, and Daara are going to Darlyn Boda from Yanibar in the Observant, when a) the Corrupter left earlier, and from closer, and expected to take a week, and b) Yanibar is way the heck out in one of the spiral arms, where the hyperlanes don't go, and will thus require even more time for travel. Yet, somehow, the Observant arrives so close to the Corrupter's schedule that it can sweep in and save the day. Something about this chronology does not add up.
  • "“Commander Convarion,”" – If this was intentional (i.e. Ajaur either isn't paying attention or doesn't care about the niceties of rank), I'd buy that, but if not, commander is a jump up from lieutenant.
  • "“There is an outbound scout ship fleeing the system. Shoot it down, immediately.”" – Isn't Convarion on the ground with Ajaur? What does he have at his disposal to hit a ship fleeing the system? I know some fighters wind up attacking, but this command seems better directed to Nebulax.
  • "“I thought Jedi could outfly anyone?” Spectre ribbed him good-naturedly." – Is "while under fire from nearly two full fighter squadrons" really the time for good-natured ribbing? Especially from an experienced military professional?
  • "As it turned out, they were both right, though neither of them could have known it at the time." – HH to 3PO for this one sentence, then back to Selu.
  • "he asked blearily." / "Selu suggested facetiously." – It's not at all clear to me who the speakers are supposed to be here. Spectre has the line immediately preceding, and he and Selu are the only males present, which makes it confusing enough. One would expect Selu to be bleary after the crash, but he has the next dialogue tag, so that doesn't make sense either. I couldn't figure out how to fix this one.
  • I admit it didn't occur to me, either, until I read Nebulax trying to decide what to do with Rothery's transmission, but why didn't she give identification codes? Better yet, why didn't Doriana? He must outrank an Inquisitor.
• CHAPTER 21
  • "recalling the Arkanian’s sacrifice on her behalf" – A brief HH to Milya.
  • "“Now, now,” Selu soothed" – "Now, now" comes across incredibly condescending.
  • "even the one that looks like a Fett clone" – This is the first one that felt natural, but I still think, only three years on from the Clone Wars, you could just say "clone".
• CHAPTER 22
  • "Two dark shadows silently emerged from the water behind them" – Recommend "quietly"; if nothing else, they're dripping water.
  • "Spectre shrugged, the gesture hard to see through his katarn-class commando armor" – Wouldn't the pauldrons still elevate?
  • "he called upon the Force and hurled both of the Chariots skyward. The two telekinetically thrown vehicles collided with the starfighters, both of whom were only a hundred meters off the ground, resulting in brilliant fireballs that showered the lake with burning debris." – Selu telekinetically lifted two LAVr QH-7 Chariots a hundred meters, with such precision as to hit a pair of fighters passing at strafing speed? That is an incredible feat. You do say "[u]sing telekinesis on objects with that much inertia at high speed was quite exhausting, and he didn’t know if he could do it again anytime soon", but it's astonishing he was able to do it at all.
  • HH: Selu to Spectre after Selu makes his second deal with Romierr. This one, at least, is easily fixable by a section break.
• CHAPTER 23
  • "His reply was only partially bravado..." One-paragraph HH from Trip to Doriana.
  • "Trip turned to the other clones and Imperial Army personnel who had been in the cell with him" – But didn't Doriana going to talk to Rothery "leav[e] Trip and Taskien relatively alone in the cramped cell"? How many people are in this cell?
  • "it would take some time to reach the bridge, located on top of the ship" – How does Selu know where the bridge is? It's a ship so experimental the Imperials don't even know what it is.
  • "he inflicted tremendous damage on their numbers" – Telling; kill and consolidate. I recommend, "Landing in their midst and catching them by surprise, Selu dropped four of them in the first sweep of his blades", then continue as written from there.
  • "the one person he cared about the most, even more than he cared for his brother Sarth if he was honest with himself" – But...why? What do Selu and Milya have in common, really, other than being Jedi, that promotes her to that status? They've had off-and-on, will-they-or-won't-they flirtation for a couple months—and that only after almost two years of cold-shouldering—and now he loves Milya more than his brother, for whom he both was willing to die and wound up assisting in the destruction of an entire civilization (albeit unknowingly)? The Milusda ship is a little leaky for me to begin with; I think the comparison to Sarth is unnecessary.
  • "Selu’s hand shot out towards them expressively" – I think the adverb is unnecessary, unless he was flipping them off while Force-pushing them, in which case absolutely keep this because the mental image is AWESOME.
  • "Selu, even amidst his concern for Milya, would not trust himself to something so fickle as emotion. It was not the Jedi way." – The irony of this is sickening—he said, not a page before, that he was "wielding the full magnitude of the gift he had received at Revan’s tower in desperate combat to save the woman he loved" (emphasis added). If this is Selu painfully lacking self-awareness, it doesn't come across clearly; if it was meant unironically, it just seems incorrect.
• CHAPTER 24
  • "he recognized his captor as a fellow clone of Jango Fett." – "he recognized his captor's voice" would suffice.
  • "He had arrived only a few minutes earlier with Milya in a similar state." – redundant in light of the preceding sentence.
  • "Trip’s finger tightened on the trigger of the blaster he had taken from Spectre, aimed directly at Spectre" – Kill after the comma.
  • "The two men squared up, fists at the ready, as they faced off." – Why wouldn't Spectre go for his lightsaber?
  • "sweeping Spectre’s feet out from under him with a vicious ankle hook." / "Spectre stumbled to catch his footing..." – The former makes it sound like a successful sweep, but the latter (which follows immediately) makes it sound like it just bounced off and unbalanced him.
  • "just before he expired" – He died that quickly? A gut shot is a bad way to go, as Spectre points out, but that's not just because it's painful, but because it takes a long time.
  • HH: Spectre to Taskien
  • "They were vigilant and alert" – redundant descriptions
  • HH: Selu to Doriana
• CHAPTER 25
  • "They’ll have the same choice to make. I’ll make them a similar offer." – These basically say the same (or a similar) thing.
  • "Entering in one of the Hawk-bat’s encryption keys from memory, he was pleased to see that he had remembered it correctly" – Selu has an eidetic memory—why should remembering the key be anything but an expectation?
  • HH: Spectre to Selu in the infirmary, then eventually back to Spectre.
  • I can't pretend to be invested in the Selu-Milya-Spectre love triangle, but it's also getting hard to keep track of. First Selu was silently resentful, then Spectre convinced him he owes it to Milya to be honest about her feelings, and now Selu's giving up and wants her to be with Spectre—all still without talking to her?
  • "Spectre frowned, not understanding her meaning. “What does that mean?”" – Given the quoted question, I'd remove "not understanding her meaning".
  • "Milya stiffened. The loss of her family was a sensitive subject, and they both knew it" – Readers know it too; you mentioned it some chapters ago.
    • Side note: You mentioned it some chapters ago in the context of Selu throwing it in her face. She needs some better men in her life.
  • HH: Spectre to Milya in the last infirmary paragraph.
  • "“We wanted to discuss your offer,” they said." – In unison?
  • I concede that you did say Selu loves Milya more than Sarth, however inexplicable that might be, but a physically exhausted, emotionally drained Selu doesn't hug his own brother? Not even an arm clasp? For that matter, neither Sarth nor Cassi hugs him?
  • I feel like, after the first couple rounds, you don't need to keep repeating that the protocol droid is translating between Selu and the Xi Charrians.
  • "blue light was emanating from her hands" – I didn't comment on it the first time (when Cassi healed Milya's cancer), but this is a very video game effect for print media. Is there any example of a printed story describing Force healing having a visible effect?
  • "“I tried to use it to help her.” / “I don’t . . . think so,”" – This feels like an orphaned response; did Cassi's line originally end with "I didn't hurt her, did I?" or something similar?
  • "Spectre stiffened, insulted that she would insinuate such behavior from him." – kill after the comma
  • "Selu smirked, nonplussed." – These two don't really go together; a smirk suggests confidence.
  • "not sure how to take the compliment." – Straying into Rothery's head here
  • "Selu sensed the sincerity in her voice." – HH to Selu
• CHAPTER 26
  • "“Captain,” Convarion greeted him" – Another missed "Sir"
  • HH: Nebulax to Taskien when Ajaur departs
  • "One-point-oh-three seconds later, the time required for light to travel from the Griffin to the Yanibar base..." – But turbolasers are plasma, not light. Further, even if they were light, that would put the Griffin 308,786.23 km away (a good chunk of the way from Earth to the moon, and over twenty-four times Earth's diameter) and, for what it's worth, the XX-9 heavy turbolasers on an Imperial I-class Star Destroyer have a maximum effective range of 100km.
  • Okay, I held off on this one to see if it eventually made sense, but where has Revan's armor been? It wouldn't make sense for Selu to leave it on Yanibar, but he lost the Observant on Darlyn Boda, and no mention was made of him salvaging it from the wreck, transporting it, or wearing it. It's a pretty big thing to lose track of.
  • "“You’re going to pay for your insubordination, Commander,” he said." – Now Nebulax is the one calling Convarion "Commander", and unlike with Ajaur above, I don't see a way out of it.
• CHAPTER 27
  • I missed this comment earlier too, but it seems like Cassi is Annita's maid of honor just because she's a main character. "On screen", we've seen Annita know her for a couple weeks, most of that hostile until the very end.
  • "It was almost too much for her to bear and she nearly collapsed, but Samtel held her up, supporting her until she could stand on her own." – This seems like a weak reaction from a professional, competent policewoman—it's beneath her.
    • "He looked up to see Annita Daowot staring at him mercilessly, a smoking blaster of her own in his hand." – This, by contrast, is what I expected of Annita.
  • HH: Selu to Milya when Ajaur stabs her
  • "cherishing this moment of affection that she had chosen to confer on him in light of their revelations to each other" – This is not the least romantic phrasing I have ever read, but it's not the most, either.
  • "leaping on the ship’s lowered ramp with his precious cargo" – I get what you mean here, but there has to be a better word for the woman he loves than "cargo". Even "burden" would be better.
• CHAPTER 28
  • "his devotion to protecting those beneath him" – I think "beneath" is not the word you want here.
  • "their lips brushing gently at first, then more passionately as they drew each other closer, expressing the love they felt for each other." – Drop the last clause and the sentence easily becomes five times more romantic; in romance more than in any other aspect of writing, some things don't need to be said.
  • "“That’s all I’ve been my entire life.”" – "Apart from those first few months after Coruscant, when I was a smuggler. And then again these last couple years, when I was a smuggler captain. But still—like, 92% Jedi."
  • "They kissed once more by mutual accord" – I admit this is more romantic than "They kissed once more by his will and against hers", but if that's the point of comparison...
  • HH: Selu to Spectre the voyeur
  • HH: Selu to Spectre again after concealing the valley
• And that's it. Non-objection comments below. Sakaros^Talk 04:25, 28 May 2021 (UTC)
• [[Category:Novellas]]

Comments

• After finishing the rewrite of this work earlier this year, I feel comfortable with nominating it here. Reserving my Archivist vote until other reviewers have looked at it. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 22:03, July 8, 2014 (UTC)
• At the current rate it's going this will pass sometime in 2018! :P (Some jerk is going to prove me wrong just to spite me. lol)-I'm the Chosen One 00:38, March 13, 2017 (UTC)
  • Well, unfortunately, there is not much interest in reading novels, and never has been on this wiki. It's completely understandable. The work 1) encompasses original characters, 2) is a follow-on to two other works so those would have to be read first, and 3) is pretty long. I can't blame people for not being eager to tackle a series of this magnitude. :) Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 19:26, August 27, 2017 (UTC)
• So I don't think anyone else is gonna vote. There are no objections and this is literally one vote shy of the minimum. Couldn't this--the other nomination is under the same conditions--one just pass through?-I'm the Chosen One 13:32, March 15, 2019 (UTC)
  • I'm with you in that it would be nice to clear off the old nominations (and that's not just my self-interest talking), but I also am strict textualist when it comes to policy and would prefer that the community either has a discussion about changing the requirements or one more user vote to approve before I do such a thing. Atarumaster88 ^{(Talk page)} 14:21, September 24, 2019 (UTC)
    • I am up for a vote to change the guidelines. Because it is pretty unfortunate and unfair to the authors that their work is hamstrung due to a lack of votes when it is fairly apparent it is worthy of the accolade it is striving for.--I'm the Chosen One 17:37, December 26, 2019 (UTC)
• SAKOMMENTS:
  • 1: "The base was like an insect nest that had been stirred up, its occupants swarming out of their structures to defend it" – I feel like this might work better as metaphor than simile—something like "The guerrillas had stirred up the nest, and now the white-armored soldiers swarmed out to defend it". Just a thought.
  • 2: "“Good idea,” Jorge answered, as he too was a bit winded." – could be "'Good idea', Jorge puffed."
  • 5: A positive amidst the critiques: I like that it's Bao-dur who identifies with Sarth's engineering viewpoint. Very fitting.
  • 7 et seq: I leave to your discretion whether to adopt the "italicize comlink voices without an accompanying visual" style, but if you want that, it's missing throughout.
  • 13: Positive: I love that Terthbak's password is "Admiral Terthbak". That one actually made me laugh.
  • 13: "Milya said facetiously" – Maybe "Milya snarked"?
  • 15: "they both paused to take in the magnificent starfield of the Greater Javin and the dazzling nebulae that it contained, which were readily apparent through the unpolluted, cloudless atmosphere of Tokmia." – Maybe "to gaze through the unpolluted, cloudless atmosphere of Tokmia at the magnificent starfield of the Greater Javin and the dazzling nebulae that it contained"?
  • 16: "as it did every single day. Every kriffing day." – I'd drop the "single", leaving the first instance "every day"; the interjection of "kriffing" has more punch if the first iteration doesn't have an adjective in the middle too.
  • 16: I'm not sure if the contrast was intentional, but it's a little trippy that Selu—the one actual Jedi Knight of the five—does the most whining about the environment, even though all his companions have to deal with inhospitable terrain of some kind. Speaking of which, a couple bug bites should be easy for a Jedi Knight to heal.
  • 16: "expectorating the paste" – You never met a ten-credit word you didn't love, did you?
  • 18: Off to Yanibar! To meet the Yanibarbarians!
  • 20: "I’ve been called worse by better" – I really liked this line.
  • 20: "The Imperials burst into the compound, emerging from the swampy environment," – Burst seems like a much more intense, actiony verb than "emerge".
  • 21: "When the Jedi Temple was destroyed and I was left with barely the clothes on my back, I felt the same way you do" – "To say nothing of just a few days ago, when my hissy fit became a hissy fight and I challenged a fellow Jedi—one of my students—to a fist fight. Indeed, I have let go of my anger..."
  • 23: "wielding the full magnitude of the gift he had received at Revan’s tower in desperate combat to save the woman he loved." – Reasons Selusda Kraen is a bad Jedi, #416...
  • 25: "Disloyalty was one of the most egregious sins an ARC could ever commit. Having to hear that charge from both Taskien and Milya was too much." – He heard it from Trip, too—the one who allegedly was his family.
  • 27: Way back when Revan gave Selu his armor, he noted it could still mean something to those who recognize it. After Ajaur found the Revan shrine on Dromund Kaas, I figured their final confrontation would involve Selu in Revan's armor. Was that a red herring, or an orphaned plotline?
  • 28: "“Deep space,” Selu told him." – "You can tell, because Revan's planetoid is right over there..."
  • 28: "“We’ve all said things we regret,” Selu replied." – "And that's not even addressing when I beat the ever-loving Sithspit out of him." "When you what?" "Nothing, my love..."
  • Of what I am going to call the Foretold Five, Cassi is the best Jedi, followed by Sarth, Spectre, Milya, and finally Selu.
  • In a couple critiques, I mentioned how odd it seemed to me that Selu put Milya above his own brother or kept Sarth at the same distance as everyone, but as I reflect on it more, there's a dearth of Selu/Sarth scenes altogether. It's like Sarth's role is to be in love with Cassi and fix things, and the fact that he and Selu are brothers is a fact, but not a relevant or meaningful one. Why is that?
  • Few of the Ebon Hawk Jedi have much in the way of expressed personality. Revan is Revan—like Saint Paul, he is all things to all people—Jolee has a couple of his curmudgeonly old man jokes, and Bao-dur gets in a tech reference here and there, but by and large, you could give any of the Eleven's lines to any other one and nothing would change. Also, fun fact: neither Atton Rand nor Mira says a single word on Revan's planetoid in deep space.
  • End on a high note: I liked that Romierr was a gray character. Good guy? Bad guy? Just-out-for-himself guy? All depends on where you're standing! His last scene with Selu was pretty good, too. Sakaros^Talk 04:35, 28 May 2021 (UTC)