Nomination comments: Excellent work by Ataru, as always. I've read this fic more than once. I just can't get enough of it! I recommend it to anyone, and find it to be an excellent nominee for featured work status.
Sighing, Annita returned to the spaceport traffic pattern analysis she had been looking over. There was nothing to it but to get back to work. Perhaps if she narrowed her search parameters, the computer would give a clearer resolve. She was searching for young to middle aged human females who had arrived within the last two months, but had come up with a huge list of possibilities. Assuming the Mistryl had some proficiency in forging passports and identicards, there was no easy way to facilitate some sort of sorting query. Meaning that each entry would have to be hand-checked, and even that might not yield anything.
Suddenly, she was distracted by the sound of something slamming into a wall or floor. She reached for her comlink to call Dolp, the lone guard on duty at the Investigator station, when the door to her small and rather crowded office burst open. A lithe looking woman wielding a blaster and wearing a dark jumpsuit and hood strode into the room and Annita unexpectedly found herself staring down the business end of a blaster pistol.
Support (2 Archivists/5 Users/7 total)
I already reviewed this privately. Any other issues may be pointed out by others, but this novel is definitely deserving on featured work. Smuggler is definitely an improvement on the already-good Fugitive (this month's featured work), excellent stuff. Not just 'good stuff,' excellent stuff. Seriously, read it yourselves. –Victor(talk page) 06:40, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
Excellent work, Ataru. As I said below I look forward to further adventures. --Kathkira talk 20:17, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
Pending Katana's vote and any other objections she might have. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 03:41, 31 March 2009 (UTC)
Nothing further. This is a worthy sequel to Fugitive. KatanaGeldar 01:11, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
Good stuff, Ataru, here's a few minor things to fix up that I'll post as I read
Here's the start of it, I haven't finished yet.
Like with Fugitive you have a confusion of tense. I took it to be from the first past perfect, but you are trying for present perfect. Please fix this as it sounds like you have a narrator.
Tense fix applied at the beginning of Chapter 1. If there are others, please advise. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:55, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
I realise you don't use attributions with your dialogue, but it can get rather confusing at times working out who said what, particularly in long conversations when you don't know the characters.
Can you give some specific examples of this problem? I'd be happy to make it clearer if there's some clarity needed in terms of who is speaking.
You also use a lot of words to say quite a few things over and over when a shorter senstence or sentences would suffice. Example: "Belying his earlier words to Sarth, he set himself in a meditative posture and began trying to immerse himself in the currents of the Force" could just be "He meditated"
Well, yes, I could shorten it, but it doesn't convey nearly the same meaning. Instead of saying "two Mistryl, packing lightweight repeating hand blasters and an assortment of other eclectic weapons were in the house with as much sound as a feather falling, checking to ensure that no opposition awaited them, weapons at the ready" I could say "the two Mistryl, armed with hand blasters and other weapons, entered quietly and vigilantly." But, in doing so, I'd lose detail. I'd alter the flow the paragraph significantly. Stylistically, I tend to like sentences that are heavy on flowing and subordinate clauses, so, unless it's really verbose, I'd prefer to leave it as is. I can change the example you provided, but that makes it far more boring, and loses the "currents" metaphor. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 02:21, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
"carrybag" is usually two words, they do have "carryalls" in GFFA though.
Call it a lame attempt to make the term slightly more EU. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:55, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
You say there is a lectern in the courtroom but the descriptions indicate that the lawyers stand over the witnesses. Which is right?
The defense attorney, preferring to be more melodramatic, has abandoned the lectern for part of the cross-examination. Samtel was content to stick with the lectern. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:55, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
"As the aforementioned witness came off the stand" The word "aforementioned" should not be used outside academic essays or the dialogue of rather old-fashioned people like Mr Burns. And people "step down" from a witness stand.
As you wish. Removed and reworded—good catch on the stepping down bit. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:55, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
"multi-dimensional mathematics class" is the subject called multidimensional mathamatics or does that describe the students?
Selu seems rather easy in calling his parents "Mother" and "Father" even though this is the first time they have met. Should there be some hesitation here in the dialogue? I was also surprised by the relative lack of emotion.
Given a small buff, but I'm open to the idea of giving that scene a lot more emotional context. I'm not as strong with poignant scenes like this one, so feel free to recommend improvements or changes. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:39, 20 February 2009 (UTC)
There needs to be evidence there is change of scene between the Kraen family in the house and the guys outside. May some sort of elipsis or group of asterisks.
Reworded to explicitly state that the thought is Sarth's. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:39, 20 February 2009 (UTC)
Hyperspace is rather blue, is it not? At least that's what it looked like in ANH.
From the canonical novel Death Star: "staring out through the forward viewport at the kaleidoscopic chaos of hyperspace. The effect, even moving at the relatively stately speed of a Star Destroyer, was akin to tumbling down an endless tunnel of amorphous, whirling patterns of light-starlight and nebulae smeared into impressionistic blotches by the ship's superluminal speed." Based on that, I'd say hyperspace is multi-colored. I've always thought of it as being a bit more than just a bluish tunnel. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:39, 20 February 2009 (UTC)
Is Czerka still around? I thought they were kicking in the KOTOR era.
I haven't finished reading yet but I wanted to post these first few comments as I'm not sure if my "grammar feelers" are on right. I'll continue to read and post more later. --Kathkira talk 02:39, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
"Space, on the other hand, was cold and unforgiving, as is the new galactic regime." Tense
"and fresh crews were shipped to the vessels as each mass-produced warship glides out of spacedock" Tense
"Each of them was once identical in genetics and appearance, but the scars and experiences of war have changed them to something slightly different." I'm probably wrong on this one but something about the last half with "have changed" doesn't seem quite right.
"He was not a clone of Jango Fett, as they are" Should be "as they were"?
All four of these were tense errors. They are now fixed. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:05, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
"Emberlene is a planet armed for war, engaged in a conflict to take over the neighboring planets. However, recently the fortunes of war have turned against Emberlene. Her armies and fleets have stalled in their conquest of the surrounding areas, and her leaders seek additional advantages to gain an edge in their localized conflict. Shadows and rumors have swept over the city, as dark plots are considered in secret places to rejuvenate their war effort. They have had setbacks recently, and only a major victory will allow the Mistryl to regain the momentum." Tense?
"As we speak, Pallas and Vena are heading to take them on the ground" Sallas? Name confusion
"particularly the blood stain on the floor where Pallas had been killed. " same as above, name confusion
"How are you feeling, Selu?” asked his mother. From he previous sentence it seems like everyone is there rather than just Selu's parents and brother? Should she be calling him Selu?
"and I didn’t want to be in it anymore after than anyway" than = that?
Beginning at “How are you holding up, Micor?” he asked. In this exchange Jorge refers to Sarth as Selu/Micor's brother twice then Selu/Micor says cousin. Is he attempting to trip Selu up, or is this a mistake?
"He saw a group of children climbing up a row ropes" row of ropes?
“Silly Devaronian. Doesn’t recognized annoyed Jedi with a lightsaber when he sees it,” recognize rather than past tense?
“The Securers tried, but nothing doing,” broke in Spectre. 'doing' doesn't seem right here
“At any rate, I’m going to go save my friend, since I can’t save my brother.” Selu referred to as brother, when he had just carefully avoided saying Force, and Spectre referred to him as Micor. Intentional or no?
Comments: Added the rest of the review beginning with Chapter 3. I think that covers it. Sorry for it taking so long, but I'm all done now. Very good work. I'm looking forward to starting on the next installment ASAP. --Kathkira talk 08:45, 21 March 2009 (UTC)
Thanks. =) I've sorted all of the objections (Gah, Selu vs. Micor XD ). Thanks for the review. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 05:30, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
Here I go again, typing as I read.
Webs of inky blackness? By all means use a cobwebs metaphor if you must but this is hopelessly mixed. And you have already mentioned it was dark, we don't need to be told twice or do we?
That metaphor was so confusing, it was like comparing apples to a square peg. Fixed. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:00, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
"Then he grew cold, as he didn’t remember who he was." What does one have to do with the other? If I had amnesia I'd feel scared or confused (as he later does) not cold. I may feel cold in a metaphoroical way though, but by this sentence I thought he was actually cold.
The use of the word purchase in terms of finding one's feet is rather archaic and confusing. We also already know he was rather high up, telling us again and again is rather annoying.
Fixed up, though I'm loathe to cut out any other mentions of the height; the second one tells more about his reaction to the height, and not merely the fact that he was really high up. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:00, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
"...prepared to have his body parts scattered all over the hard stone floor, wondering if it would hurt much." It would hurt, a lot. Ataru, are you trying for a dramatic moment as you just made me laugh.
The idea that was running through his mind was wondering whether or not the sudden impact of his body on the ground would hurt before death came. Clarified, and I've never fallen from dozens of meters and had myself splattered all over the ground, so I wouldn't know how much it would hurt. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:00, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
"his eyes scrunched" Need a better description here.
Does Selu have an unusually good recovery time or is there something wrong about him sprining off the bed after lying down for six hours? Most people need a moment or two for their head to clear or is this a Jedi thing?
He doesn't immediately sprint off the bed. I did tweak the wording somewhat. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 02:46, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
Does Quinlan have another kid on the way? As I recall he was not there until after his son was born. Look here
I'm slightly confused by this objection. I assume Quinlan would know that his wife was pregnant before Kashyyyk, and he's yet to get back there. This is his first son. Having read the source materials, I doubt that there are continuity glitches unless someone's been retconning. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 02:46, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
I get it now, Quin is between Kashyyk and when he meets up with Khalee.
"Annita seemed a bit hesitant." There are better ways of saying this, show don't tell.
- That's all for now, I'll try and get it finished before the weekend and then onto the next one. This should keep you busy anyway, Ataru. KatanaGeldar 09:59, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
There are a few spelling errors in this chapter that you may wish to look over.
" packed masses of skyscrapers and speeders flitting between them like tiny flitnats " Skyscrapers move? I understand what you are tying to get at here, but it's a little unclear and is somewhat amusing.
I had no idea that Quinlan could wax poetic like that. It does seem slightly out of character and is rather melodramatic.
Meh. I like the symbolism of comparing Coruscant to Nar Shaddaa. If you're referring to his internalization of Khaleen, I've altered it some, but my take on it is that even the most non-poetic male could muster up something a bit more flowery than "zomg, shes good-lookin'" for the love of his life. Just ask Benedick. I've also cut another rather pointless analogy, as I wasn't exactly sure which parts you were referring to. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 19:01, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
"Sitting at her extremely cluttered desk while poring over various droid analyses and investigative reports of the Mistryl attacks, she yawned and ran a hand through her thoroughly mussed hair." Run on sentence, it takes forever to get to the point and you forget what it was about when you reach the end.
The scene with Annita being held up is a very tense moment, yet the fact that you describe things in detail slows down the action. The sentences need to be shorter, sharper, to show the tension. You need to be a little more ecohnomical even though your descriptions are quite good. They just don't really belong in a tense moment. As a famous director once said: Faster, more intense.
Tweaked it some. Cut a bit of detail and broke up some of the sentences. Also, that same director is responsible for the atrocity known as TCW. :-P
"Annita’s rational mind finally realized that she was kidnapped, with no way to escape or be tracked, and by an assailant who appeared to be completely ruthless" NOW she realises she's being kidnapped? I would have realised that getting into the car, if not beforehand.
"various horrible fates that ran through her mind tormented and taunted her." First Hercules, not it seems as if you have the Fates. You mean, thoughts, don't you? They don't torment you, do they?
No, I mean "fate" as a common noun. As in, various horrible ways to die. As in, various horrible events that could happen to her. Etc. et al. Slightly reworded. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 19:01, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
"The former ARC trooper Twone..." Long sentence, needs to be split.
"Ten minutes later, in a borrowed fast-moving speeder, the four arrived at the Kraen residence, with Spectre strapping on the last few pieces of his armor." There is something wrong with the order of those words.
You seem to be rather fond of the phrase "certainly doomed" Ataru.
Eh, it appears 3 times in a 190-page novel. I've removed one of them anyway. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 19:01, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
"dumping him on his side" You have given an inanimate object an active verb here.
"crazily angled glowpanel loosely suspended from the ceiling" Too many descriptions, the sentence is rather clunky.
"would pose an interesting problem" A more interesting problem, do you mean? Given that Selu is comparing Helsi with more experienced people.
Are not overtures in the theatre?
Indeed they are. The word also has another meaning: "an opening or initiating move toward negotiations, a new relationship, an agreement, etc.; a formal or informal proposal or offer: overtures of peace; a shy man who rarely made overtures of friendship. " Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:29, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
"otherwise looking none-the-worse for wear, all things considered" Too many words again.
"I didn’t come here to probe" Probes can be rather uncomfortable. Did you mean "pry"?
"noticing Annita’s hair for the first time" Cassi would have seen Annita's hair when she came into the room unless for some strange reason it was missing from her head. If her noticing it is a pre-empt of her doing it (which of course it is) You could say that she noticed it was was rather wet and tangled. And girls usually can tell quite easily if another's hair is a mess, no need for a long decription here. And if Annita's hair is long and damp when it was tangled, it would still be damp (or wet) once it was brushed. Long hair takes a while to dry.
I've shifted some things around, and tweaked a few others. I don't think I said that the hair was dry once Cassi was finished with brushing it anyway.
"I never really paid attention to how long it had gotten,” " Wrong, girls do notice how long their hair gets. Annita must be aware of the length as she pins her up.
Annita isn't a typical female in that regard. Putting her hair up would be something she does with her left hand without looking at the same time as she's driving her speeder to work. If the comparison helps, think Sandra Bullock's character in Miss Congeniality before becoming a beauty queen. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:29, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
You don't really need to elaborate too much on the recounting of the narrative on New Holstice.
Toned it down a bit, but the subsequent reactions are important to the characterization, IMO. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:29, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
"I can’t not do anything" A double negative which isn't really clear.
"pillowed her head into her husband’s shoulder" I realise "pillow" is a verb, but it's rather odd here.
"gently crying wife" Revise the order of the words.
"Her hair was loose for once, hanging in front of her face" How can she see? Do you mean "hanging around her face"?
In the combat sequence on the ship, some of the sentences are a little too long to be in a fast scene. Too much description can slow down action.
Jorge's "heart jumps into his throat" and he "gasps". Any reason why he was surprised twice?
Continuity query: I assume that Ventress came here after she woke up on the medship Obi-Wan put her on and told the pilot to fly far away from the Republic? After what happened I much doubt if she wanted to see a Jedi ever again as Dooku betrayed her.
Again in the combat sequences, a litle too much description.
"and knew that he was completely, utterly dead" People don't know they are dead until they actually are dead. And even then it can take some convincing.
Selu is a little quick at forgiving himself. Wouldn't it be a little more believeable if he said he was going to work on it, but couldn't yet?
- And that's it, it's a great story Ataru. Once this is over with I'll give it my vote. KatanaGeldar 11:03, 23 April 2009 (UTC)