Krill’s counselor had recommended that he write down his thoughts and dreams in a journal to be able to get them out of his mind. This would help him process the event and get rid of the torture he suffered from recalling the mission night after night. Krill complied to convince the advisor he was getting better, but the truth was—the journal merely enhanced his thoughts.
Krill placed the writing utensil down on his desk and stared at his paper. He had written two pages thus far and could keep going another five if his hand had not started hurting. The pain throbbed in his right wrist as his arm started twitching. He knew he had to stop for a moment, but he feared that if he did, he would lose his train of thought. He had to write. He had to get it out of his mind. He could not dwell on that night. He could not remember it anymore.
For three years Krill had dealt with it. Three years was enough. His left arm started twitching. He felt a cold sweat setting in. His breathing hastened. His heartbeat quickened. Krill had to finish his train of thought. Quickly cracking his knuckles and neck, Krill picked up the writing utensil and put it back to his paper.
Looks good. Should he choose to expand on his works within this same vein, Tesh could draw inspiration from a number of classic films and novels. GoodwoodDebating Society12,018 Edits 00:38, June 2, 2013 (UTC)
I can find objectionable things in this, but nothing which makes it unworthy of support. There is grammatical usage I find not to my taste, and I deem the ending too casual relative the emotive drama of the body itself, but this is his not my story, and its art must reflect his not my designs. My role as recipient of art is reserved to judging whether it successfully conveys the design of the author, which measure is the measure for art. This short story is secure enough that, unless I have a two week long conversation with the author, I have no reason to deem it unsuccessful communication on his part. Karohalva(Talk) 02:00, July 7, 2013 (UTC)
"His slick, golden brown hair, a trademark he was known for among his friends" This is a bit verbose and ends up in an ill-conceived sentence fragment.
As it turns out, I apparently revised this document once already but never uploaded the current version to the wiki. It appears to be mainly minor edits, like sentence structure, grammar, etc. I now have the updated version up with the edits you suggested. This also applies to the second fragment you caught. -- Tesh162 16:26, April 13, 2013 (UTC)
"could keep going another five if his hand had" Verb tense confusion
"Deep down, he knew the affects were merely psychosomatic." This is sort of confusing. Is it psychosomatic in the sense that he's not in physical pain, or that the pills are not effective?
"Krill’s breathing increased." Something of an awkward phrase: was it his rate or his depth of breathing that increased?
"were frigid cold was the only temperature" Is this supposed to be "where"?
" they could not see past a foot" This is fine, except that you use kilometers a bit later. Can you make the distance units consistent?
"would cripple the Republic, any force they contained, and any other opposition they would have." This is also a bit verbose; perhaps a better way of phrasing it would be "would cripple the Republic and any force sent against him/them."
"Krill, who stood in the rear line of defense, behind the six riflemen leading the way and the four snipers scoping out the route. " This is also a fragment.
"knowing the reference was lash at him" This should be rephrased.
"“I think Labon and Rex went to go check it out." Went or want?
It was intended to be “went”. I removed the “go” from the sentence and that seemed to create a better flow to his line. Let me know what you think. -- Tesh162 16:26, April 13, 2013 (UTC)
I don't know that you want to DEFAULTSORT this page as "Wounded".
Development section of the main War Stories article needs updated since it's now 2013.
In that same note, might be worth talking about how long you took to write the story/when it was published.
Overall, it's a pretty good story. The one other complaint I have is that the first section is pretty heavy on the infodump: the story just tells you about Krill's background and emotions rather than showing them.Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:34, April 2, 2013 (UTC)
I added some to the beginning trying to paint a picture of what has been happening to him up to the point in the story. I hope it does its job in setting up the case for his insanity, which is later explained with his addiction. Also, I went through the other edits and made the respective changes to try and create a better flow to the story. I've reread it a couple times since, but I still may have missed something, especially with the addition in the beginning. Thanks again for the nomination. -- Tesh162 16:26, April 13, 2013 (UTC)
One thing I noticed right off the bat is that the prose is quite choppy. Most of the sentences are short, terse, and almost always follow the Subject-Verb-Predicate format. This can get kinda monotonous. I know what the author is going for, a traumatized, quick glint at things with no detail, as Krill doesn't really bother noticing them that much. That said, however, I still thing varying at least the sentence structure would be nice. And not beginning so many sentences with "he."
First off, thank you for the review. I would like to state, though, that the sentence structure was entirely deliberate. I wanted the audience to experience the insanity that Krill was consumed by, and the only way I knew to do that was drive them a little nuts as well. That's the reason for the repetition, the sentence structure, even the use of "he" to begin sentences. That said, I did try to address that desire of mine in the development section of the main article. --Tesh162 17:18, July 18, 2013 (UTC)
"He was a man built for leadership, unlike Krill who was built to hold people behind. Rex emulated the ideal man with his short black hair and square jaw, similar to that of the famed bounty hunter, Jango Fett. He was rugged and everyone adored him." If this has to do with the Stark Hyperspace War, which occurred in 44 BBY, then Jango would have only been working as a bounty hunter for three years and not done anything important yet (not until 32 BBY). He would be more known for being Mandalore. Also, he wears a helmet all the time. As well, why would Krill see his friend and immediately think "Jango"? Does Krill have a crush on him?
Thank you for pointing out a flaw in my research. I have since removed the reference since I could find no suitable replacement. :P --Tesh162 17:18, July 18, 2013 (UTC)
I think the ending could have been more bleak. Like, he wants to be better and actually try, but the universe and his own addiction would never let him. That kind of thing. Like his only chance was snatched out from under him, and he likely would have never reached it anyway. I dunno. It seems like to romantacised a death for what is really something that should be more depressing and raw.
Again, I was attempting to make it more romanticized as the point of the story was his insanity. I, however, see your point of it being kind of a bleak ending. I tried to highlight this a little better in the ending by explaining he had just given up because he could not see any hope past who he was. It was a reference to his insanity that he could not even see the obvious that he survived when other did not. It was even pointed out to him, but he refused to listen to the hope. Anyway, I hope this addresses what you were wanting fixed. Thanks again! --Tesh162 17:18, July 18, 2013 (UTC)
Anyhoo, I liked it. I got the point. And while I would like for all three to be addressed, I really would only require #2 to be fixed, as it's the only part that really made no sense and took me totally out of the story. Fix that, and I'll totally vote. :) -Solus Talk to the Hand 05:43, July 12, 2013 (UTC)
Archivist Review from Atarumaster88
Death Wish is the second work by Tesh Vohore that I've read and it deals with similar subject matter to his first story, Wounded, in that it's about a traumatized veteran of the Stark Hyperspace War. Both stories have a similar appeal in that they burrow deeply into the psyche of these wounded warriors and help understand the tormented characters of their protagonists. There's not an appreciable development in the writing style between the two works, as they were presumably written/published around the same time. That said, I feel Death Wish is a valuable addition to SWF's collection of Featured Works. There's very little dialogue per se to evaluate, but the strong characterization and good description stand out as strengths of the work. On the flip side, the opening segment's delivery is a bit too monotonal for me; the work starts with too much telling rather than showing, and perhaps more detail on Krill's squadmates to help establish a relationship and connection with them to the reader beyond a mere physical description wouldn't be amiss. The prose, while serviceable, is not comparable to the best works on SWF from a technical perspective. Still, these are relatively minor quibbles. For the author's next work, though, I'd like to see perhaps more character-to-character interaction, even if the subject matter and story length are the same. The internalization is well and good, but the next step for him will be truly expanding the conversation and perspective. I'm giving Death Wish a 4/5 technical and a 4/5 for narrative. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:44, April 2, 2013 (UTC)