The peaceful, violet hued atmosphere of Alderaan twinkled in the clear night sky. The occasional shooting star streaked across the star field backdrop, granting a lonely heart one wish. The full moon illuminated the landscape, casting shadows in the crevasses and peaks of the mountain range on the outskirts of Aldera, the planet’s capital. The chirps and howls of hidden, exotic fauna echoed throughout the vacant ridges. The chilled air of the high altitude had fused the layers of snow and ice together to form a slick, rigid ledge; it was an ideal landing spot amongst the jagged rocks. Any loose flakes of milky snow gently drifted across the arid tundra as the pulsing thrusters of the YT-1210 Corellian freighter, the Edessa, lowered the vessel to the surface.
The engines whined as the ship powered down, loosening the hardened terrain around the ship, burying the landing gear in centimeters of snow. The landing ramp pressed against the dusty ground, revealing two sentients. Both men were of average height and similar structure—wide at the shoulders, thick thighs, and defined arms. They appeared bred for soldiering with stronger legs over arms to be able to move faster and carry lighter weapons. It was a class of soldier as old as the mountains they had landed on, however, these two were not soldiers. At least, they were not anymore.
Much larger review to come, but I'd like to see all ship names (e.g. Edessa), italicized for starters. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 15:04, October 25, 2013 (UTC)
I think I got all the ship names italicized (I think, in the end, it was just the one). I must have missed it when I formatted the story for the site. Sorry, it took me so long to get to it. I haven't been on the site in a good month or so. Also, I just wanted to thank you for yet another nomination. It's encouraging to see your work getting recognized and given beneficial and constructive feedback. -- Tesh162 00:11, November 1, 2013 (UTC)
Fair warning, I'm going to come down a harder on writing/flow foibles this time to push you to improve your own writing. Your stories are good, now I want you to work on telling it better. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:11, January 7, 2014 (UTC)
" The landing ramp pressed against the dusty ground, revealing two sentients" Is the ground snowy or dusty? If the ramp is going through the snow, wouldn't the snow tamp down all the dust?
"soldiering with stronger legs over arms to be able to move faster and carry lighter weapons." I know what you're getting at here, but the flow is choppy. Please reword.
"since Tesh was under his command" (had been)
"What Tesh did not know until just weeks before, it is easy to be those things when the galaxy thinks you are dead. " The tense/flow of this sentence needs help.
"Rex did not used to be this way. " Maybe "hadn't always been" would be better? "used" in this sense is somewhat colloquial. Most of this paragraph would probably be better in past perfect tense (e.g. "had been")
"Rex’s former position, before becoming an outlaw and mercenary for the Stark Combine, required that he show little to no mercy for insubordination, once leaving a irresponsible contractor with two broken legs and a bleeding, deformed nose for “misplacing” some cargo. " Run-on. This paragraph also would be better in past perfect tense.
"Evil breeds evil, it was the unfortunate truth Rex had learned while employed with this security task force." Switch to "bred", and fix the comma splice. Anything that took place before the events of the story should be in past perfect tense. That includes the bulk of this paragraph.
"At this point, Rex knew no fear, no limits—no restraint" This paragraph also should be in past perfect tense.
"He then broke into the security headquarters and tried to post his sniper rifle, " What do you mean by "post his sniper rifle" If he's inside the headquarters, a long rifle probably isn't the best weapon. If he's outside, why would he break in?
"any of his feature." (features)
"Rex could distinguish Tesh’s bleach-white eyes and hair glisten in the moonlight" There's a conflict between "distinguish" and "glisten." This doesn't read well; reword please.
"The rolling mounds of snow swallowed the speeder in large rock ridges " The mental image you give to your reader with this phrasing is that the speeder is buried in snow and pushed into rocky ridges. Maybe "funneled the speeder along large rocky ridges" would be better. Also, "rock ridges" is generally redundant. "Rocky ridges" might be a better description, but it's presumed that the ridges are made of rock in the mountains. Yes, I'm nit-picking.
"Tesh has borrowed the airspeeder. There was no legal way of putting their circumstances for the authorities." First, this should be "had." Second, "of putting their circumstances for the authorities" is not worded well. Third, if the airspeeder is borrowed, why would the authorities have a problem with that? Unless it's stolen, but that's hardly clear in the narrative.
"“You may want to lay down." I might give this a pass if his dialogue is not supposed to be grammatically correct, but things lay, people lie.
"He had nothing to lose; therefore," Given that he has a wife to live for, this does not seem to be accurate.
"Since it was an in-and-out mission, they wanted the final stages to go smoothly." I don't follow this cause-and-effect. What does it being an in-and-out mission have to do with wanting the final stages to go smoothly?
" Rex noticed, in that glimmer, Labon stop in his tracks. " (stopped)
"the distance was too great that the glow faded most of the details." (Reword)
"The platform was bustling with people of all species, the predominant being human," This would read better as "but predominantly human",
"Contrast to the smooth metallic appeal of the sleek spires," Rephrase to "Contrasted with" for better readability
"shared his past." You just used this word to end the previous sentence. Maybe something else like "history" would be better for the sake of variety, unless it's for emphasis.
"The echoes of the platform" Are they echoes, or sounds/din/cacophony? In an open area, I don't think echoes is the right word.
"made least logical sense" Missing a "the"
"Why did he let Tesh go on? Why did he not insist Tesh join him as support?" Both of these should be conjugated with "had," not "did."
"wondering these halls lately" (wandering)
I don't know that "patron" is the right word here for the guards.
"years of searching led to this moment." (had led)
This does beg the question of if he's trying to reach his wife, presumably alive, why would he use grenades in close proximity to her? The flash-bangs would not need a frag to set them off.
"Pulling out a slicer he borrowed from Tesh," (had)
"if this is his wife’s " (was)
" where is she? Why is he here?" (was)
"Raising his hand, he let it drop, swinging it around to smack Tyrus square in the jaw. When this did not work, he repeated it until he got a response. " You could word this better.
"“What have I done? Look around!” Rex retorted. " I do think this is actually Tyrus speaking.
"She came to me after you abandoned her, begging and pleading" Okay, now this just makes no sense. She went to the man who had her beaten and (presumably) molested, and who had her daughter killed, for help? Either she didn't know that it was his doing (unlikely) or she was so desperate that it didn't matter. However, that depends on she was emotionally broken or not by the abuse/infanticide. Something tells me that's not her personality. Regardless, this improbable love triangle needs a better explanation.
I feel you could do a better job of internalizing how Rex takes the news about his wife's death.
" If she were not," (was)
" but he knew his number one rule, too" (had known)
"that he could not vent it properly" (remove the "it")
"pending their stasis remained uninterrupted" Not sure that pending is being used appropriately
" It worked once before." (had)
"and Tyrus " there should be another dash after this.
"The new addition. Sara."." (extra period here)
" full of demolition" (Demolition is not a concrete noun)
"meet of with Tesh," (misworded)
" resuming his once strong and commanding self." This could be worded better.
I can understand Rex wanting to destroy the evidence, but why wouldn't he arrange the explosives so the charges blew inward. One, this minimizes collateral damage, and he's not the Joker. Two, it focuses the blast on the evidence he wants to destroy. Presumably he would know how to do this from his military training.
"as they passed the remaining building out of the city" Should this be "buildings"?
I'm not sold on him completely psychologically replacing his wife with the baby. Should he really be that completely satisfied? Or should he be grimly satisfied, viewing this as payback fulfilled? He seems a bit too blissful at the end.
Broken represents an evolutionary leap from veteran author Tesh Vohore. In his previous stories, his characters have largely faced their own demons as antagonists and have largely been solitary creatures. Broken features more characters and character interaction, as well as a physical antagonist. The story is good on a narrative level, though the glaring plot hole of why Rex's wife would ever end up with his hated enemy is pretty jarring. On a technical level, there's a lot of room for improvement, particularly with the use of verb tenses. I'd like to see him improve in that area, but as with most evolutionary leaps, this represents a considerable enough advancement in what Tesh incorporates into his writing that I'll cut him some slack. 3.5/5 narrative and 3/5 technical, with up to 0.5/1.0 improvement possible based on objection fixes. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 18:24, January 7, 2014 (UTC)