“With the Force, many things are possible,” Master Zhar chimed in, his voice low but fatherly, after a fashion. “You are a disciplined warrior, dedicated to the Republic. We are considering you for Jedi training.”
My attention not fully allocated toward the four-part harmony of Force-inspired philosophical yammering, the Twi'lek's last words caught me blindsided. Realizing that my jaw had dropped several centimeters, I hastily closed it and regarded the Council with something that was intended to be a scowl, but from the nods that all four of them were shooting me, it was clear they could see right through the facade.
“You do not trust us, that much is clear,” Master Vrook said frankly. “But you trusted those Jedi who fought beside you against the Mandalorians, despite the fact that they did so against the wishes of the Order. Be mindful of—”
“Excuse me, Master Jedi,” I interrupted, my voice spiked with sudden anger, “but with all due respect, you are wrong. I fought alongside the Revanchists, yes, but I never fully trusted any of them, except for one. I'm a Marine, sir, trained to fight the enemies of the Republic, of civilization itself, no matter who leads me into battle!”
Support (2 Archivist/5 users/7 total)
Having read this story, I can say it has my full support. Goodwood truly delivers in A Marine Went to Jedi Camp. --D.W.(talk)(Glorior) 05:42, August 6, 2010 (UTC)
I didn't hide the fact that I wasn't a fan of the first version. For this version, though, I'm very much a fan. I'm sure an Archivist will find something to pick at, as they always do, but from where I'm standing this is very much a featured work. - Brandon Rhea(talk) 06:43, August 16, 2010 (UTC)
It's got my support, too. Hell, I'm studying the prose to polish up my own writing shortcomings. Trak NarRamble on 05:46, September 29, 2010 (UTC)
"Both were relatively young; while Dantooine had been settled for" The opening clause seems unclear. Perhaps change that use of "young" up to something more relevant, like "newly settled"?
The motivation for her burst of anger to the Council isn't particularly clear.
Added additional paragraph of exposition.
"encasing me like a nerf sausage" What does this even mean?
Reworded; "encased me like the skin of a nerf sausage."
"fairly detailed History of the Jedi Order" If this a proper work, please italicize. If not, please de-capitalize History
I'm underwhelmed by the transition from Laera's anger over Vima to her acceptance of Vrook's offer. Not really enough to object over, but it's a weak point in the writing.
Made minor tweaks; can't say it's any better, though.
Not particularly, but this is insufficient to delay FW status.
"enough to drink alcohol" Given the number of stimulants in the GFFA, isn't limiting it to alcohol sort of . . . obfuscating?
Changed to "imbibe in adult intoxicants."
"We are, after all, travelers on a winding path through existence, never quite sure what we may find around the next bend." Seems out-of-character for her to be this poetic.
Addressed; attributed quote to some Jedi Master.
"even if I wasn't his Padawan, he wasn't likely to blab." Shouldn't this be was?
I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of Laera gaining lightsaber power and Force power usage so quickly, and with few significant character flaws. Her lightsaber performance in the 3 duels vs Juhani, Belaya, and Dak (at least one of whom is a potential Guardian) with only a couple month's of saber practice seemingly serves little purpose other than to show off how awesome she is. Then she goes 9-0 and fights Vrook to a standstill. She wins "handily" against people with years of saber experience and gets to a draw vs a senior Jedi Master. Is this protagonist-glorification really necessary?
I respect your concerns, however it should be noted that Laera has been a Marine for twenty years, which means she's got twenty years of melee weapons training—and experience—under her belt. For what it's worth, this seems to be in line with other characters that become Jedi after having served in some other military profession gaining sudden boosts in abilities after similar amounts of training. For example, Luke Skywalker and Corran Horn, who became much better fighter pilots after their own training in the Force (Laera, as it happens, can't even drive a landspeeder without nearly crashing it). However, I have made an additional effort to emphasize the protagonist's prior experience as a combat soldier.
I still don't like it, but it's your call and I have insufficient reasoning to delay FW status over this. I make the following military comparison that may provide an appropriate frame of reference to my perspective. Having Laera excel as well as she does is like having a 20-year veteran pilot of A-10 attack jets transition over to F-22 air superiority fighters in 2 months and beat out pilots who've been flying Raptors since the test phase. That's what bothers me about it. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 16:30, September 29, 2010 (UTC)
No major complaints, but the resolution of Laera's discovering her identity is undermined since any confusion she has about she was for the past 5 chapters is muted.
Understood. However, rest assured that a resolution does eventually come for her...
That's all I've got. Some of those are less hard-and-fast than others, depending on the responses. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:25, September 28, 2010 (UTC)
A Marine Went to Jedi Camp is the quirky title of the sequel to Death and Life by Sean "Goodwood" Nash and it tells the story of how Laera Reyole, the resurrected Marine, becomes resurrected Marine-turned-Jedi. Because of that, you'll find the polished prose structure and diction, careful attention to story-telling, and overall good form that are trademarks of his style. However, like most sequels, it's not quite up to the same standards as the original. If you took the second third of I, Jedi, down to some of the same cheesy cliches that Stackpole invented, and reset it in the KotOR era, the result would be something similar to A Marine Went to Jedi Camp. The conflict and self-discovery of Laera Reyole that is supposed to be the central theme of the story is muted, and unfortunately some of that muting is done by showing how fast and capable a learner Laera is and how everyone generally puts up with her even with her attitude. My biggest complaint though, is that Laera rarely ever has any serious emotional conflicts about her new role. The story winds its way through without any major resolution because there's no issue to resolve. That said, I can't complain about having another story with the level of writing that Goodwood presents on SWF. A lot of authors here could learn about how to write prose from a technical prospective from Goodwood and the storytelling isn't that shabby either. 4.5 out of 5 technical, 3 out of 5 narrative. Atarumaster88(Talk page) 21:25, September 28, 2010 (UTC)