Here's what I've thought of so far, (this isn't the finished list.)
-You could try and improve the personal monologue, meaning the character's train of thought and what they are thinking. That should be easier, since you don't have to write everything, just focus on a specific area.
-Also, it would be a good idea to go through and try to find spelling/wording/grammar errors. I'm not saying there are alot, just it would be good to make sure there are none, and to rewrite anything you think you can do better.
Also, as a bit of a sidenoe, much improved on the description. The only areas of improvement there would be more "Showing" than "Telling." But otherwise, much better. Good job!
I should be able to have some more soon, till then, God bless!
Edit: Under the edit will be other improvements I found while working through.
-In the final paragraph, it quickly switched between three POV's like this:
On the bridge, Rex lay unconscious with an unknown status. Pliers returned to the bridge with very few survivors left. He smirked at the sight of a shuttlecraft departing the cruiser and entering orbit. Meanwhile, Shimrra Jamaane also smirked, but at the sight of his brand new army. “Gentlemen, execute Order 101…”
It would be better, to have it simple be two POV, like this:
Pliers entered the bridge, where Rex still lay uncounscious and unmoving. Pliers wondered briefly whether or not the old trooper had been killed, when something outside the viewport caught his eyes.
A small shuttle had shot forth from the hangar, and was streaking out towards the nearest hyperspace entry point. He briefly considered ordering the gunners below to shoot it down, to make up a story that the beings aboard were traitors.
But then he was reassured. They reassured him.
They would take care of him.
Shimmra saw it, saw them. Legions upon legions of powerful warriors, united with one shared duty. To serve the Yuuzhan Vong.
He smiled, and spoke in the Human's language: "Execute Order 101."
(Note: don't just copy what I wrote, you should try and do something more your own.)
As you can see, I not only lengthened the POV's but added an indent, also known as a double-space, (or in this case a quadrople-space.) this is a technique used in actual novels to denote the change of characters POV.
(In case you didn't know, POV stands for Point Of View, meaning which character is currently viewing the story.)
Here's another thing:
"Rahr just-" There was a pause from the sector commander. "Let's do it!"
"Yay!" Rahr jumped up and down in excitement.
Cougar agreed to join.
This should be written with more "Showing," and less "Telling." Meaning, instead of just telling me what happened, show me. Here's an example.
"Rahr just-" Ponds paused, and Patrick could sense that he was either deciding Frozen Bantha milk flavors, or considered what Patrick had been pestering him about. Patrick was almost positive it was the former, but was delighted when he heard: "You know what Patrick? Let's check it out!"
Patrick began to bounce with glee. "Yay!"
Ponds looked to Cougar. "What'd you say Cougar? Want to check it out?"
"Sure," the Mandalorian almost mumbled.
(Note: this isn't really a textbook use of Showing over Telling, it's just an example. If you want, I can link you an article that explains how to do so much better than I did.)
Sorry for this being so long.
Also, regarding the collaboration on a Order 66 type story, I can do it! Here's an idea I have...
Would it be okay, if we make it a two-part story? My idea was that, I would right the first part which would include the build up to and giving of Order 66, while your's would be the emotional fallout for the clones and possibly there escape from the Empire? If that's not really what you want to do that's fine, and I can change it, but I wanted to see what you thought of that, as that's something I've wanted to do for a little while.
I’ll let you get started then! Name it whatever you want as long as it is in continuity with Warriors. I’ll have to spoil the last part of Warriors for you - Sparks trusts a being named Sheera Lingin who is Keron’s (Separatist Strategist) sister and she ends up leading him into a trap that gets Bunchy and Rads killed. Sparks’ dream of losing his team partially turned out to be reality.
Note to anyone who's not me or Captain Ricky, this thread contains spoilers for upcoming works.
Here's what I got so far:
Begins on Arxich IX, where Sparks and group are currently locked in a battle with the Seperatists. They are called away to Coruscant, and on the way Sparks struggles with the knowledge of what’s happened to his former comrades.
On Coruscant, Sparks and group meet with other contingents of the 501rst, and the meet with Commander Appo, who shows them the Hologram of Darth Sidious. They then march on the temple with Darth Vader, killing all inside.
Afterwards, Sparks deals with trauma over what’s happened, and considers leaving.
The title, I think, of my half should be Orders, or Clone Wars: Orders.
Also, I was thinking of telling the story in an non-linear fashion. (Meaning instead of going from begining-end, I start with a brief scene at the end, then tell how it got there, then finish with the end again.) Similar to the movie, The Prestige. Would that be okay? Or would you rather it be told traditionally?
Hey Ricky, I found some articles on description you might want to check out, they've helped me a lot in the past.
Note: They are on a christian writing site that I happen to browse, if you don't want to check them out because of that, that's fine. But, to me, they are incredibly helpful regardless and you may at least want to give them a once over.
Howdy! I was wondering if you'd like to check out my Jaden Korr page and leave some feedback on it. I know you asked I while back if I had anything for you to check out and I didn't, so here's something.
Also, sorry I couldn't help with Deadstorm. I really wanted to, but I'm a bit busy with writing my novel at the moment. Happy you found someone to help, can't wait to see what you and B.H. come up with! God bless!
Sorry i took so long to reply but i'm finally done, so here goes.
First off, great story, great premise, good execution, the two biggest problems were the strange pacing and lack of description on some ends, with pacing the story felt like it was going a bit too fast, i think a couple more chapters to touch on things in between the other chapters would have helped with the pacing.
As for the slight lack of description, I have no idea who or what some of the characters look like or are, for example, i have no clue at all who choach is, for all i know he could be a felucian, also, location description was a bit vague
Other than that, i enjoyed the story, it was a good read and had a really good premise behind it.
Hey! That would be great. General B.H. is already supposedly working on the second chapter. If you could read (and possibly review) the first couple of stories, starting with Star Wars: The Yuuzhan Vong, that would be awesome so you can know what exactly is happening.
Well I dont have large amounts of time available to read the previous stories. I still have get done with my finals this year, then I'll have much more time to help out. That should be around the 31st next week. Other than that I may have time to suggest minor edits such as phrasing, which you're free to use if you find useful..
Sure. I gathered this is after or in the late stages of the war against the yuuzhan vong. In all honesty I'm not greatly familiar with the species other than that they got cut off from the force, came from another galaxy to invade the star wars galaxy and they had biological tech of some kind. I also remember that they were in a war against another race which forced them to leave, and they tried to genetically alter species to become like them. Thats basically the extent of my knowledge on the species.
Well, the New Republic has been at war for quite some time with the Vong. The remaining clone troopers are Rex, Stone, Ponds, Wesson and Wolffe. However something has malfunctioned in their brains - a hindrance chip. This makes them get possessed by an unknown sith lord and they eventually die. Ponds, Jedi Patrick Rahr and former Death Watch member Cougar Stanton travel to Coruscant to find some clues since Rahr had a vision. There, they encountered a thought-to-be-dead Darth Maul.
Hey Captain Ricky, I am afraid that I will have to back out of Star Wars: Deadstorm project, I don't think I will have time to help you write this story as I am busy writing stories with Dragonboy546 on my wiki and I also work on the Arrowverse wiki, sorry.
Hey there! Ya know what... what you like to collab with Deadstorm? I am in the midst of writing chapter 2 of Warriors so when that is done that would be awesome if you can review it. Ocarina is writing chapter 2 of Deadstorm but she has not been active in a couple weeks.
Hey Ricky! First, thanks for reading my Fanfiction last month, I really appreciated it.
Second, I was able to rewrite it thanks to the feedback left by you and others. I was just wondering if you could read the new version and leave some feedback for me. (I totally understand if you can't.)
Hey, pal. I would like to ask you some questions regarding your book, actually. The female Presence, did you create her as your own character? If so, excellent work! I would love for you to read Yuuzhan Vong, I think it is my best work on the wiki.
First off, the question about the Presence. At the moment I'm not gonna reveal anything about her identity, other than what has been revealed already. (Her identity is a major spoiler for later in the series.)
Second, with Yuuzhan Vong. I will try to read it wither tomorrow or tuesday (Lord Willing.) things have gotten busy for me recently, but I may be able to read it then.
Currently the only story I have is the one you read (I'm working on it's sequel.) I have some other articles you can check out however. There all connected to the stories main page, and I'll be sure to tell you if I come out with anything else. And if you got anything you need me to read, or need some writing advice, just give me a holler'. God bless!
Hey Ricky, I noticed your upcoming story, Warriors, is in the category Short stories, when it should be in the category Short Stories in progress. I'll try to read the story when it comes out, if you'd like. God bless!