You mentioned to me already that you're aware of the issues in overall writing quality (and that this is an earlier work of yours), so I won't belabor that point too much. Suffice it to say that the action scenes are sometimes sparsely described and confusing; but when the characters are talking and stuff, it's much easier to follow. And to be honest most of the dialogue is better than I expected it to be.
I'm not a big fan of TCW or Rebels, so the premise of this series doesn't appeal a whole lot to me. But Revival does actually feel like an episode of TCW, so kudos for that. Ponds' conflict with Aurra Sing and his struggle to escape her control was generally well-done. I particularly like how he used the antigravitational device from earlier in the story to win the last fight. That was clever.
I have one criticism of particular importance: Patrick Rahr is a nuisance who contributes nothing to the story. The only bright side of it is how he only appears a couple of times, but I remember him being even worse in The Yuuzhan Vong when I tried to read that for the 15th Wiki Awards. I understand that it's important to have moments of levity and comic relief, but to be so blunt about it just does not fit with the story you're telling. Patrick's random interruption of the tense discussion among the heroes in Chapter 6 of Revival is a fine example of what I mean.
It would really be worth the trouble to go back over the series and either get rid of Patrick entirely or find a way to write him that's less flamboyant and jarring. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but that's personally what I'd recommend.
Only a few other comments. There's a few moments here and there where the story really shines, like Bail Organa's speech and the different clones talking about their purpose and free will and such. That's mainly what I'm thinking of when I say that this feels like a TCW episode. Also, "The world was changing, and it seemed to be doing so without him" was a good ending for Chapter 6.
That's all I've got. Hope you're well, and keep writing.
Hey JJ! Actually, PotterGrangerous is working on chapter 5 right now. So, if I am not mistaken, it should have ten chapters. But I would really appreciate you checking it out! Thanks and have a blessed day.
Unfortunately I don't know. I'm still fine tuning a lot of stuff, the Prologue's the only thing I think I really have that's in it's final version. Though probably some time soon, maybe within the next four months?
First, the positives, the storyline's interesting enough. Same with the characters. And your writing's improved a bit. I thought General B.H's fighting scenes were pretty well done. The thing I would appluad the most is the handling of Ponds arc, not just in this novel but in both series. You really improved a character who was a bit more of a background guy in the Clone Wars show, so well done bringing it and all the threads for the series together.
Now, the things that could've been improved. As always, it will be longer than the positives simply so I can put more helpful information in.
Also, I will include things for both you and B.H.
-Continuity. It would've been better to have asked B.H to write in past-tense, like you, instead of present-tense which is his normal style, to make it more cohesive.
-Description. Please note! I am not saying the amount of description. That's definetly improving for both authors. I mean more the use and style of description.
For example, in Chapter 5 (Written by General B.H. for third parties.) we get this-
One is a man named Fabian Poke. Fabian is a middle aged Calamari rebel with orange scaly skin, large round and brown eyes, and stand is a 6'1. Beside him is a 32 year old female rebel soldier with a brown pony tail, green eyes, fair skin, a thin frame, and thin lips named Jessica Wellman. Fabian: "What are you doing Pliers?"
This is an unecessary amount of description for something so minor to the story. We don't need to know exactly what Fabian and Jessica look like, as they just say a few things in passing. They don't even need names if you don't want them to.
Also, instead of saying something like a 32 year female old rebel soldier, it would be better to just say, a female rebel soldier who looked to be in her thirties. Or instead of saying it was 7.2 celsius (45 degrees.) It would be better to simply say, it was cool. Or something to that effect.
For Ricky, work on Showing instead of Telling. I've already mentioned this elsewhere so I won't go into detail.
-Cheesy dialogue. This is pretty self explanatory, but some of dialogue was real cheesy and cliche. Particularly for the Vong, Sepath, and at times Maul.
-Vong depicture. The Vong are much better this time around than some of the other works, but a couple things I'll note is that they do not communicate via Hologram, they do so with a Villip.
-Hasty ending. While definetly not as rushed as Ryloth Under Siege, it was still a pretty rushed ending. Considering that the new clones arrive, and are armed, and Sepath is defeated and Ponds leaves, in one short chapter. This could've easily been three if the scenes had been extended.
That's what I got. Overall it was decent, a step back from Injustice and Revelation in my opinion. Good luck on future stories, as I see you are starting a new series with Pottergrangerous. I'll be sure to check it out when it's finished!
Thank you very much, JJ! I think my best one is Revelations, but Star Wars: Tragedy (which is in the same universe as my stories) has the best show don't tell. I have to agree and disagree on your last statement, however. The OVERALL end was hasty, but Ponds leaving and saluting Stone was a bit less than hasty, but I appreciate your feedback nonetheless. Tragedy will be very good as I think I have improved and Potter is a pretty good writer as well. Thanks again, JJ!
Hey Ricky! If you'd like, here's the Prologue of The Fallen. I know you've been wondering when I would release some content, so here's something!
Note: This isn't the end version. Things are subject to change both technically and narratively.
The Star destroyer Wormwood cut through hyperspace like a blade through flesh. The massive warship was over one-thousand eight-hundred meters long, and armed to the teeth with turbolasers, point-defense cannons and concussion missile launchers. Inside it carried a small army of individuals who had kept it running for the past year, keeping it in top condition. The beings were of many species: Human, Jabiim, Weequay, Rodian and even Ughnaughts. Each leaving a distinct presence that gave off distinct emotion.
Jaden Korr could sense each and every one.
Jaden sat cross-legged in the center of his meditation chamber, a simple dark room that had once been a guest quarters adjacent to the Captain’s cabin. He was deep in the Force, senses extended out so far he could almost feel everything that everyone on the massive ship experienced.
Stray thoughts came into his mind from the others on the ship. He could feel the pain from one of the patients in the medbay. He could feel the intense emotions felt by one of the crewmembers, as they tried to sort out their feelings for another. Feel the joy as one of the other crew members beat their friend in a physical contest.
And then there was her.
He could feel her. But she still felt like something he had never felt before. Darkness and Light. Familiarity and the unknown. Comfort and pain. It was an odd sensation. But one he could sympathize with after all this time being with her.
With the Presence.
He opened his eyes, watching as the tall women paced around him. She had on a simple, plain long white dress that fell to her ankles. Her hair was long and pale blonde and she had dark eyes that seemed to read your very being at times. Though he knew that she did indeed read others thoughts.
That, at times, was both helpful and annoying. At this moment, it was annoying.
“After all we’ve been through! After months and months of preparations! Now you decided to back out!”
He understood her anger. Somewhat. They had spent over six months preparing a fleet of over fourty ships, winning planets to their side for support, acquiring crewmen and other tasks to build an assault fleet. It had been hard, but they had pulled it out. And now they were ready.
And then Jaden had begun to get second thoughts. Did the Force really want him to invade planets? To bring about destruction all in its name? He thought back to his time with the Jedi, when he had fought off Sith, Yuuzhan Vong and mad clones. That had felt right. Then he had had to fight. But this… now he wondered whether he actually did.
“Of course we need to fight!” the Presence countered, “Why wouldn’t we? How is this different, than when the Force had been challenged by the Yuuzhan Vong? Or when Abeloth had-”
“I don’t doubt that,” Jaden said, “But I want to do this the right way. I don’t-” want to fall to the dark side. That’s what he wanted to say. But he knew that was the Jedi part of him trying to hold on. Trying to stay. He tried to push it down as he responded, “-I don’t want to do this the wrong way. To-”stang this sounds stupid, “-upset the Force.”
The Presence gave him an odd look. He could tell she knew that he had been thinking, obviously, but she was choosing to disregard it.
“Don’t worry. I can read the Force as well as you can. Wouldn’t you have seen something if there was something wrong.”
He considered that, considered the powers that the Presence had shown him. The ability to seem through time and space. To know all the possible ends for a course of action, and which ones were the most likely. The situation he was in now however, he could not find one way that was the most possible. Everyday he looked. Everyday it was different.
He couldn’t get it wrong, not when he was this far into his and the Presence’s plan. He knew she didn’t believe in the pull of the dark side, but didn’t want to risk losing himself.
Before anything else could be said, the comlink on Jaden’s belt flashed and beeped. He activated it.
“Korr here,” he said.
“Korr,” said the voice of Yill, the captain of the Wormwood and chief commander under Jaden. He frequently took care of the day-to-day operations and anything Jaden couldn’t handle, “just wanted to say we’ll be out of hyperspace in twenty minutes. You might want to be on the bridge for what’s gonna happen.”
“Thanks,” he said before returning the comlink to his belt and standing up. The Presence gave him a scowl, and for a moment she looked almost like she would slap him across the cheek.
“You still doubt our plan?” she said.
“Somewhat,” he admitted honestly. Deciding that it wasn’t worth hiding.
“Don’t,” she stated plainly. “All will work out.”
He nodded before turning and leaving his meditation chamber. The hallways outside were all nearly identical. A bland grey with light fixtures near every wall. At every junction there was a directory that helped the travellers navigate the monstrous ship.
He followed them to the turbolift and entered the car. He entered his destination onto a pad near the door and felt as the car lifted slowly up through the chasms of the star destroyer.
His star destroyer. He seemed to have to remind himself of that often. This wasn’t a star destroyer he served on, or that he accompanied like the ones back in the Jedi Order. This was his own. All the presence’s on it under his command, ready to do his every order. Some were even ready to die for him.
He supposed that would give the ship a sort of familiarity, but it didn’t. As the turbocar speeded up levels, he found that the ship was still very much alien to him. As if it wasn’t his. As if he wasn’t supposed to be there.
That’s where he supposed the odd feeling was from. It felt as if he wasn’t supposed to be here. He was a singularity. An anomaly. This destiny wasn’t his to take.
The repulsorlifts on the bottom of the car went from a vibrating hum to a purr and finally went silent as the car began to slow and then stopped at the highest level of the star destroyer. The doors slid open, and the thoughts in Jaden's head became secondary as he stepped onto the bridge.
The bridge was surrounded by viewports that showed the vortex of hyperspace outside the ship. Bridge crew worked from behind consoles and screens, and inside the data pits under the walkway. All of them were volunteers from the various planets that had agreed to help him. There were a few exceptions, with one of the exceptions being Captain Yill. A former Corellian officer, Yill ended up joining him out of unhappiness with his homeworld's government. Jaden knew that Yill held no reservations about the Presence’s overall plan, at least what he knew of it, and Jaden almost envied the man’s assuredness.
Yill came up to greet him, and Jaden exchanged pleasantries. Though absently. Jaden’s eyes were still on the swirling vortex outside the viewport. One could lose themself in it. Just watching it move around you. There were legends that one could grow made from staring at it too long.
Jaden snapped himself out from staring, remembering something that Yill said while absent. “You said the thorilide stores were running low?”
Yill nodded. Thorilide was a substance used in the shock absorbers of Turbolasers. It seemed unimportant, but it wouldn’t seem as much when Turbolasers were blasting themselves off the side of the ship.
“Do you think we'll have enough for the battle?” Jaden asked, feeling an odd feeling akin to flutter-bugs in his stomach. Maybe he could sense a problem with the Thorilide?
Yill nodded, but the feeling didn’t disappear. So it wasn't the Thorilide.
“We’ll have enough. I’ll place a shipment for it once we reach the planet’s surface.” Yill said.
A light beeping sounded, the signal they were departing from hyperspace, and Yill quickly walked over to his station. Jaden walked to the center of the bridge and looked over his work. Yes, he had made this possible. Even if he didn’t feel right. If he didn’t feel this was the right oath for him, he had to be proud with the small fleet he had created this past year.
The stars returned outside the ship, and with an imperceptible shudder, it returned to realspace. However, the stars again disappeared behind a thick blanket of purple mist. Ahead was a planet, a jewel of a world, with blue seas, green luscious forests and mighty mountain ranges. It looked to be a planet from a simpler time, a less technological time.
“Sir,” an officer said from his console, “Hapes will be in range in fourteen minutes.”
Jaden nodded. He guessed there was no turning back.
First off, huge thanks for giving me a preview on what is to come! Second off, the review of what you have so far:
Positives: The description was much better than your prequel, not to say it was bad, but this time it was very good. Liked how you described everything with good details and metaphors. Dialogue seemed pretty natural too. If you can give me some hints and ideas to not have cheesy dialogue, please do so!
Negatives: I get that it is an entire new story, but the transition from last story to this was sort of poorly executed. It took me a few moments to realize we were over six months ahead; I suggest stating this in the very beginning. Also, I do not fully comprehend on why the Presence exists the way she does and why at all in the first place. So far, it seems like she just has bad, passive-aggressive anger that she wants to bestow upon the galaxy. Even though you did provide a physical description, I am still unsure who she is, but I do kinda like that.
That's all I got for now, have a great, blessed day!
I agree with the rough transition. I'd been feeling something was wrong there but didn't know what. I'll be sure to work on that. The Presence is actually a pretty hard character for me to write, and sometimes I can get a bit inconsistent with her, I'll try to fix that as well. For who she is...well, I'll drop hints of that later...
Dialogue is something hard to do, even for me, so I'll make that a seperate thing so I have sometime to prepare it. Probably will be finished this afternoon.
Okay, so here's some tips for writing better dialogue!
-Watch for Cliche phrases. This one is pretty simple, but steer clear away from cliche phrases. Such as, "I'm your worst nightmare!" or "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way!" are some examples.
Though I will say, there is a time and place for some cliche's.
-Pay attention to how character's speak. Especially for character's from other media's. What words do they tend to use? It's especially important to character's that have accents, as you can use specific words to invoke an accent.
-Pay attention to how real people speak. This one's also pretty self explanatory, but it helps a lot in my opinion.
Hey! I just posted something on the thread. But all you have to do is enter the name of your story onto the series' page right after mine. As long as the canonical ideas meet my continuity, you should be good to go!
Hi, I'm Atarumaster88 and I'm organizing this year's short story contest. This is a reminder that there are two weeks left to nominate short stories (yours or someone else's) in the contest! After that, we'll have another four weeks of reviewing and voting! As one of our active editors, we'd love to have your input and participation, as the winner will get a custom cover! Just a quick reminder, though; this contest is only open to stories written in the current year! Thanks for being part of our community! Atarumaster88(Talk page) 17:47, July 17, 2020 (UTC)
Here's what I've thought of so far, (this isn't the finished list.)
-You could try and improve the personal monologue, meaning the character's train of thought and what they are thinking. That should be easier, since you don't have to write everything, just focus on a specific area.
-Also, it would be a good idea to go through and try to find spelling/wording/grammar errors. I'm not saying there are alot, just it would be good to make sure there are none, and to rewrite anything you think you can do better.
Also, as a bit of a sidenoe, much improved on the description. The only areas of improvement there would be more "Showing" than "Telling." But otherwise, much better. Good job!
I should be able to have some more soon, till then, God bless!
Edit: Under the edit will be other improvements I found while working through.
-In the final paragraph, it quickly switched between three POV's like this:
On the bridge, Rex lay unconscious with an unknown status. Pliers returned to the bridge with very few survivors left. He smirked at the sight of a shuttlecraft departing the cruiser and entering orbit. Meanwhile, Shimrra Jamaane also smirked, but at the sight of his brand new army. “Gentlemen, execute Order 101…”
It would be better, to have it simple be two POV, like this:
Pliers entered the bridge, where Rex still lay uncounscious and unmoving. Pliers wondered briefly whether or not the old trooper had been killed, when something outside the viewport caught his eyes.
A small shuttle had shot forth from the hangar, and was streaking out towards the nearest hyperspace entry point. He briefly considered ordering the gunners below to shoot it down, to make up a story that the beings aboard were traitors.
But then he was reassured. They reassured him.
They would take care of him.
Shimmra saw it, saw them. Legions upon legions of powerful warriors, united with one shared duty. To serve the Yuuzhan Vong.
He smiled, and spoke in the Human's language: "Execute Order 101."
(Note: don't just copy what I wrote, you should try and do something more your own.)
As you can see, I not only lengthened the POV's but added an indent, also known as a double-space, (or in this case a quadrople-space.) this is a technique used in actual novels to denote the change of characters POV.
(In case you didn't know, POV stands for Point Of View, meaning which character is currently viewing the story.)
Here's another thing:
"Rahr just-" There was a pause from the sector commander. "Let's do it!"
"Yay!" Rahr jumped up and down in excitement.
Cougar agreed to join.
This should be written with more "Showing," and less "Telling." Meaning, instead of just telling me what happened, show me. Here's an example.
"Rahr just-" Ponds paused, and Patrick could sense that he was either deciding Frozen Bantha milk flavors, or considered what Patrick had been pestering him about. Patrick was almost positive it was the former, but was delighted when he heard: "You know what Patrick? Let's check it out!"
Patrick began to bounce with glee. "Yay!"
Ponds looked to Cougar. "What'd you say Cougar? Want to check it out?"
"Sure," the Mandalorian almost mumbled.
(Note: this isn't really a textbook use of Showing over Telling, it's just an example. If you want, I can link you an article that explains how to do so much better than I did.)
Sorry for this being so long.
Also, regarding the collaboration on a Order 66 type story, I can do it! Here's an idea I have...
Would it be okay, if we make it a two-part story? My idea was that, I would right the first part which would include the build up to and giving of Order 66, while your's would be the emotional fallout for the clones and possibly there escape from the Empire? If that's not really what you want to do that's fine, and I can change it, but I wanted to see what you thought of that, as that's something I've wanted to do for a little while.
I’ll let you get started then! Name it whatever you want as long as it is in continuity with Warriors. I’ll have to spoil the last part of Warriors for you - Sparks trusts a being named Sheera Lingin who is Keron’s (Separatist Strategist) sister and she ends up leading him into a trap that gets Bunchy and Rads killed. Sparks’ dream of losing his team partially turned out to be reality.
Note to anyone who's not me or Captain Ricky, this thread contains spoilers for upcoming works.
Here's what I got so far:
Begins on Arxich IX, where Sparks and group are currently locked in a battle with the Seperatists. They are called away to Coruscant, and on the way Sparks struggles with the knowledge of what’s happened to his former comrades.
On Coruscant, Sparks and group meet with other contingents of the 501rst, and the meet with Commander Appo, who shows them the Hologram of Darth Sidious. They then march on the temple with Darth Vader, killing all inside.
Afterwards, Sparks deals with trauma over what’s happened, and considers leaving.
The title, I think, of my half should be Orders, or Clone Wars: Orders.
Also, I was thinking of telling the story in an non-linear fashion. (Meaning instead of going from begining-end, I start with a brief scene at the end, then tell how it got there, then finish with the end again.) Similar to the movie, The Prestige. Would that be okay? Or would you rather it be told traditionally?
Hey Ricky, I found some articles on description you might want to check out, they've helped me a lot in the past.
Note: They are on a christian writing site that I happen to browse, if you don't want to check them out because of that, that's fine. But, to me, they are incredibly helpful regardless and you may at least want to give them a once over.
Hey Ricky. I'm real sorry, but I can't write Orders right now. I tried, but I'm too caught up writing my Sword of the Jedi series, and a non-star wars novel that I plan on publishing. Again, really sorry. If you can wait till later in the year, I may be able to do it though.
Howdy! I was wondering if you'd like to check out my Jaden Korr page and leave some feedback on it. I know you asked I while back if I had anything for you to check out and I didn't, so here's something.
Also, sorry I couldn't help with Deadstorm. I really wanted to, but I'm a bit busy with writing my novel at the moment. Happy you found someone to help, can't wait to see what you and B.H. come up with! God bless!
Sorry i took so long to reply but i'm finally done, so here goes.
First off, great story, great premise, good execution, the two biggest problems were the strange pacing and lack of description on some ends, with pacing the story felt like it was going a bit too fast, i think a couple more chapters to touch on things in between the other chapters would have helped with the pacing.
As for the slight lack of description, I have no idea who or what some of the characters look like or are, for example, i have no clue at all who choach is, for all i know he could be a felucian, also, location description was a bit vague
Other than that, i enjoyed the story, it was a good read and had a really good premise behind it.