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  • Hey! Sorry I missed you in Chat; I was multitasking across several different browsers. I'm active now if you still want to swing by. Cheers!

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    • A FANDOM user
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  • MPK

    So I finally got around to reading Star Wars: Revival. A few thoughts.

    You mentioned to me already that you're aware of the issues in overall writing quality (and that this is an earlier work of yours), so I won't belabor that point too much. Suffice it to say that the action scenes are sometimes sparsely described and confusing; but when the characters are talking and stuff, it's much easier to follow. And to be honest most of the dialogue is better than I expected it to be.

    I'm not a big fan of TCW or Rebels, so the premise of this series doesn't appeal a whole lot to me. But Revival does actually feel like an episode of TCW, so kudos for that. Ponds' conflict with Aurra Sing and his struggle to escape her control was generally well-done. I particularly like how he used the antigravitational device from earlier in the story to win the last fight. That was clever.

    I have one criticism of particular importance: Patrick Rahr is a nuisance who contributes nothing to the story. The only bright side of it is how he only appears a couple of times, but I remember him being even worse in The Yuuzhan Vong when I tried to read that for the 15th Wiki Awards. I understand that it's important to have moments of levity and comic relief, but to be so blunt about it just does not fit with the story you're telling. Patrick's random interruption of the tense discussion among the heroes in Chapter 6 of Revival is a fine example of what I mean.

    It would really be worth the trouble to go back over the series and either get rid of Patrick entirely or find a way to write him that's less flamboyant and jarring. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but that's personally what I'd recommend.

    Only a few other comments. There's a few moments here and there where the story really shines, like Bail Organa's speech and the different clones talking about their purpose and free will and such. That's mainly what I'm thinking of when I say that this feels like a TCW episode. Also, "The world was changing, and it seemed to be doing so without him" was a good ending for Chapter 6.

    That's all I've got. Hope you're well, and keep writing.

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    • Thanks so much. Yes, Rahr is actually pretty liked from what I see in the comments, but I agree with you. Take care and is there anything else you would like me to read?

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    • MPK

      Nothing new, no. Thank you for asking.

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  • Hey Ricky! I was wondering when Tragedy would be finished. I knew it had had four planned chapters, but are you gonna do more? And if not, would you mind if I checked it out? 

    God bless! 

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  • Okay, so here's my review of Deadstorm

    First, the positives, the storyline's interesting enough. Same with the characters. And your writing's improved a bit. I thought General B.H's fighting scenes were pretty well done. The thing I would appluad the most is the handling of Ponds arc, not just in this novel but in both series. You really improved a character who was a bit more of a background guy in the Clone Wars show, so well done bringing it and all the threads for the series together. 

    Now, the things that could've been improved. As always, it will be longer than the positives simply so I can put more helpful information in. 

    Also, I will include things for both you and B.H. 

    -Continuity. It would've been better to have asked B.H to write in past-tense, like you, instead of present-tense which is his normal style, to make it more cohesive. 

    -Description. Please note! I am not saying the amount of description. That's definetly improving for both authors. I mean more the use and style of description. 

    For example, in Chapter 5 (Written by General B.H. for third parties.) we get this- 

    One is a man named Fabian Poke. Fabian is a middle aged Calamari rebel with orange scaly skin, large round and brown eyes, and stand is a 6'1. Beside him is a 32 year old female rebel soldier with a brown pony tail, green eyes, fair skin, a thin frame, and thin lips named Jessica Wellman. Fabian: "What are you doing Pliers?" 

    This is an unecessary amount of description for something so minor to the story. We don't need to know exactly what Fabian and Jessica look like, as they just say a few things in passing. They don't even need names if you don't want them to.  

    Also, instead of saying something like a 32 year female old rebel soldier, it would be better to just say, a female rebel soldier who looked to be in her thirties. Or instead of saying it was 7.2 celsius (45 degrees.) It would be better to simply say, it was cool. Or something to that effect. 

    For Ricky, work on Showing instead of Telling. I've already mentioned this elsewhere so I won't go into detail. 

    -Cheesy dialogue. This is pretty self explanatory, but some of dialogue was real cheesy and cliche. Particularly for the Vong, Sepath, and at times Maul. 

    -Vong depicture. The Vong are much better this time around than some of the other works, but a couple things I'll note is that they do not communicate via Hologram, they do so with a Villip

    -Hasty ending. While definetly not as rushed as Ryloth Under Siege, it was still a pretty rushed ending. Considering that the new clones arrive, and are armed, and Sepath is defeated and Ponds leaves, in one short chapter. This could've easily been three if the scenes had been extended. 

    That's what I got. Overall it was decent, a step back from Injustice and Revelation in my opinion. Good luck on future stories, as I see you are starting a new series with Pottergrangerous. I'll be sure to check it out when it's finished! 

    Hope this is helpful, and God bless! 

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    • Thanks for reading! 

      I agree with the rough transition. I'd been feeling something was wrong there but didn't know what. I'll be sure to work on that. The Presence is actually a pretty hard character for me to write, and sometimes I can get a bit inconsistent with her, I'll try to fix that as well. For who she is...well, I'll drop hints of that later... 

      Dialogue is something hard to do, even for me, so I'll make that a seperate thing so I have sometime to prepare it. Probably will be finished this afternoon. 

      God bless! 

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    • Okay, so here's some tips for writing better dialogue! 

      -Watch for Cliche phrases. This one is pretty simple, but steer clear away from cliche phrases. Such as, "I'm your worst nightmare!" or "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way!" are some examples. 

      Though I will say, there is a time and place for some cliche's. 

      -Pay attention to how character's speak. Especially for character's from other media's. What words do they tend to use? It's especially important to character's that have accents, as you can use specific words to invoke an accent. 

      -Pay attention to how real people speak. This one's also pretty self explanatory, but it helps a lot in my opinion. 

      Hope that's helpful! And God bless! 

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    • A FANDOM user
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  • Hi Ricky! I saw your post about stories, and I was interested in joining in! What do I have to do?

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    • Hey! I just posted something on the thread. But all you have to do is enter the name of your story onto the series' page right after mine. As long as the canonical ideas meet my continuity, you should be good to go!

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    • A FANDOM user
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  • Hi, I'm Atarumaster88 and I'm organizing this year's short story contest. This is a reminder that there are two weeks left to nominate short stories (yours or someone else's) in the contest! After that, we'll have another four weeks of reviewing and voting! As one of our active editors, we'd love to have your input and participation, as the winner will get a custom cover! Just a quick reminder, though; this contest is only open to stories written in the current year! Thanks for being part of our community! Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 17:47, July 17, 2020 (UTC)

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  • Here's what I've thought of so far, (this isn't the finished list.) 

    -You could try and improve the personal monologue, meaning the character's train of thought and what they are thinking. That should be easier, since you don't have to write everything, just focus on a specific area. 

    -Also, it would be a good idea to go through and try to find spelling/wording/grammar errors. I'm not saying there are alot, just it would be good to make sure there are none, and to rewrite anything you think you can do better. 

    Also, as a bit of a sidenoe, much improved on the description. The only areas of improvement there would be more "Showing" than "Telling." But otherwise, much better. Good job! 

    I should be able to have some more soon, till then, God bless!

    Edit: Under the edit will be other improvements I found while working through. 

    -In the final paragraph, it quickly switched between three POV's like this: 

    On the bridge, Rex lay unconscious with an unknown status. Pliers returned to the bridge with very few survivors left. He smirked at the sight of a shuttlecraft departing the cruiser and entering orbit. Meanwhile, Shimrra Jamaane also smirked, but at the sight of his brand new army. “Gentlemen, execute Order 101…” It would be better, to have it simple be two POV, like this:  

    Pliers entered the bridge, where Rex still lay uncounscious and unmoving. Pliers wondered briefly whether or not the old trooper had been killed, when something outside the viewport caught his eyes. 

    A small shuttle had shot forth from the hangar, and was streaking out towards the nearest hyperspace entry point. He briefly considered ordering the gunners below to shoot it down, to make up a story that the beings aboard were traitors. 

    But then he was reassured. They reassured him. 

    They would take care of him. 

    Shimmra saw it, saw them. Legions upon legions of powerful warriors, united with one shared duty. To serve the Yuuzhan Vong. 

    He smiled, and spoke in the Human's language: "Execute Order 101." 

    (Note: don't just copy what I wrote, you should try and do something more your own.) 

    As you can see, I not only lengthened the POV's but added an indent, also known as a double-space, (or in this case a quadrople-space.) this is a technique used in actual novels to denote the change of characters POV. 

    (In case you didn't know, POV stands for Point Of View, meaning which character is currently viewing the story.)  

    Here's another thing: 

    "Rahr just-" There was a pause from the sector commander. "Let's do it!" 

    "Yay!" Rahr jumped up and down in excitement. 

    Cougar agreed to join. 

    This should be written with more "Showing," and less "Telling." Meaning, instead of just telling me what happened, show me. Here's an example. 

    "Rahr just-" Ponds paused, and Patrick could sense that he was either deciding Frozen Bantha milk flavors, or considered what Patrick had been pestering him about. Patrick was almost positive it was the former, but was delighted when he heard: "You know what Patrick? Let's check it out!" 

    Patrick began to bounce with glee. "Yay!" 

    Ponds looked to Cougar. "What'd you say Cougar? Want to check it out?" 

    "Sure," the Mandalorian almost mumbled. 

    (Note: this isn't really a textbook use of Showing over Telling, it's just an example. If you want, I can link you an article that explains how to do so much better than I did.) 

    Sorry for this being so long. 

    Also, regarding the collaboration on a Order 66 type story, I can do it! Here's an idea I have... 

    Would it be okay, if we make it a two-part story? My idea was that, I would right the first part which would include the build up to and giving of Order 66, while your's would be the emotional fallout for the clones and possibly there escape from the Empire? If that's not really what you want to do that's fine, and I can change it, but I wanted to see what you thought of that, as that's something I've wanted to do for a little while. 

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    • No problem! I look forward to your series. When will the next chapters be released?

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    • Sometime later in the year. I'm projecting sometime in November or December is when it could be finished. 

      Again, Sotty I couldn't do Orders right now. Wish you well on future stories! And God bless! 

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  • Hey Ricky! I was wondering if you'd like to check out a couple more of my articles. (If not, that's fine.) 

    Here's the links. 

    The Presence (I updated it since the last time you read it.) 

    Search for the Lost Tribe of the Sith  

    Allana Solo  

    Also, I was wondering if you noticed the Short Story contest. I entered The Fall into it to see how well it'll do. You can check that out if you want. 

    Note: I meant you can check out the contest, not the story. As you already did. 

    God bless! 

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  • Howdy! I was wondering if you'd like to check out my Jaden Korr page and leave some feedback on it. I know you asked I while back if I had anything for you to check out and I didn't, so here's something. 

    Also, sorry I couldn't help with Deadstorm. I really wanted to, but I'm a bit busy with writing my novel at the moment. Happy you found someone to help, can't wait to see what you and B.H. come up with! God bless! 

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  • Sorry i took so long to reply but i'm finally done, so here goes.

    First off, great story, great premise, good execution, the two biggest problems were the strange pacing and lack of description on some ends, with pacing the story felt like it was going a bit too fast, i think a couple more chapters to touch on things in between the other chapters would have helped with the pacing.

    As for the slight lack of description, I have no idea who or what some of the characters look like or are, for example, i have no clue at all who choach is, for all i know he could be a felucian, also, location description was a bit vague

    Other than that, i enjoyed the story, it was a good read and had a really good premise behind it.

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