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hey Edit

  • Hey Atarumaster,it's me Troyb,As you can see my vacation is here.Anyway what took you so long to get here!?!Also take a look at my article's:New CIS,Troyb.Troyb 20:34, 29 April 2007 (UTC)

P.S.Join the clan's over here,there are sith jedi and more.

  • Sorry, but I have little interest in joining any clans. Thanks anyway. Atarumaster88 20:36, 29 April 2007 (UTC)
  • Well still look at my articles.Oh and may I interest you in my template?Troyb 20:38, 29 April 2007 (UTC)
    • They're interesting. Nice action figure pic. The userbox is . . . well, it's not for me. Cheers. Atarumaster88 20:46, 29 April 2007 (UTC)
  • Thank's,Tyler made it.Troyb 22:14, 29 April 2007 (UTC)

Thx Edit

Thank you for correction spelling error in my template. Xenerix1 | Talk to me |

Good Stuff Edit

Hey, wanted to say, I enjoy your Force Exile story, noticed you just created part 3. I'll check it out in a few.CurrentBigThing (Say It To My Face)

  • Why thanks! I didn't know I had any readers! :-D I hope you like Part 3- it was hard to write for me for various reasons, and I put a lot of effort into it. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 17:43, 5 June 2007 (UTC)
  • Well, here's one satisfied reader! Keep up the great work!CurrentBigThing (Say It To My Face)

 ? Edit

Hey Ataru. You took me by surprise there for a moment. Are you here to finish your fanfic? Jaina Solo(Talk) Jainasolosig 17:42, 7 June 2007 (UTC)

  • Mmm, yes, sort of. You could say that. I'm writing my fanfic, yes, but in a novella form instead of a character article. Someone else or I may write articles on the characters and ships and such, but I'm writing it as if it was an actual book for now. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 18:03, 7 June 2007 (UTC)
  • I see, so this was the project you told me about. I've been keeping up with the Force Exile story, it's interesting and fun to read. Jaina Solo(Talk) Jainasolosig 18:27, 7 June 2007 (UTC)

Hey Edit

  • Hey my friend how are you? Could you help me out with my new article Fune Haako?TroybTalk contribsTroyb2 19:29, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
    • Could you be a bit more specific? Are you having a wikicode problem? Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:32, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
  • Yah, I need some help with the history.TroybTalk contribsTroyb2 19:34, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
    • If you mean coming up with the character's background, I will leave that in your capable hands, Troyb. I am not nearly as well versed in the New CIS stuff as you are having only read it once, and so anything I write for it would likely conflict with your established idea of the storyline. If you have any specific technical questions, I'll do what I can to help. Sorry, I'm just not going to write a new character into your storyline for the reasons explained above. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:37, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
  • O.k.TroybTalk contribsTroyb2 19:46, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
  • Also want to use this? Template:GoblinTroybTalk contribsTroyb2 19:30, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
    • Sorry, haven't seen the movie. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:32, 8 June 2007 (UTC)
    • Too bad, hey have you seen my new series? Here is a glips Mysterio, Hob Goblin and there is a place on my user page where users can vote on who I should create next.TroybTalk contribsTroyb2 14:34, 11 June 2007 (UTC)
      • Well, I plan on seeing the movie, so I don't want to be spoiled on it by reading the articles yet. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 14:58, 12 June 2007 (UTC)

HeyEdit

Hey AM88! You're here too? Cool. General Grham Talk (NCIS Wiki Transfanon)Yoda

Yo Edit

  • Hey Atarumaster could you uplode a pic of Tey How for me?Troyb(CIS ShadowFeed) contribsTroyb2 20:52, 22 June 2007 (UTC)
    • Uhhh . . . who or what is Tey How? Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 18:25, 24 June 2007 (UTC)
      • Scratch that, I found it on Wookieepedia. Why do you need me to do it? There's a perfectly good image on the Wookiee you can use. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 18:31, 24 June 2007 (UTC)
  • Well I'm not the best at it, but never mind I found one here, I was looking for awhile but I found it! Also I forget if I asked you to see one of my new articles the Hob Goblin?Troyb(CIS ShadowFeed) contribsTroyb2 21:19, 26 June 2007 (UTC)
    • I read the article. It's a different approach, but it doesn't seem very Star Warsy. I dunno- I don't like crossovers for a number of reasons. It could also use a tense and spellcheck. On the other hand, the pictures look nice and it's well formatted. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 21:22, 26 June 2007 (UTC)
  • Thanks...I think.Troyb(CIS ShadowFeed) contribsTroyb2 21:31, 26 June 2007 (UTC)
    • Heh heh. All I was saying was that I don't much like crossovers and that it looks a bit rough. Still, could have potential and be really good. Just not in my personal preferences. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 21:37, 26 June 2007 (UTC)

Bac Novel ReviewEdit

Perhaps this thread is meant for gushing praise. If so, then just strike this post.
—Atarumaster88

I want to personally thank you for your review. Although the review contained things that I had known due to other people mentioning them, I appreciate detailed reviews such as yours. If I only wanted gushing praise, I would have shown it to my mother lol. I appreciate the criticisms and I'll be working on the prologue when I get a chance, which will most likely be when the rest of the novel is finished. For now, I hope you enjoy the rest. I do have to ask, though: since you really only touched upon the detail and spelling, etc., what did you think of the storyline thus far? - Brandon Rhea 21:58, 17 July 2007 (UTC)

  • You're quite welcome. As far as the storyline, I deliberately didn't comment on it because I have only read the prologue thus far. I assumed- correctly I hope- that it would be unfair for me to deliver an opinion on the story after only reading the prologue. I'll get back to you once I've read some more. Cheers. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 22:02, 17 July 2007 (UTC)

Sounds good. - Brandon Rhea 22:09, 17 July 2007 (UTC)

  • Brandon, now that I've gotten the latest section of Force Exile II finished, I've had more time to read stuff. I've now read up through Chapter 5, so I think I can adequately comment on the storyline now. ;-) The level of detail seemed to be much better in the actual novel, although the Sith names, with the exception of Ravinos, seem a bit silly (Darth Sin?). It's definitely an interesting take on the KotOR era, and I liked some of the characters- Damien Nightblade would have to be my favorite so far. Ditto for Mathias. They don't seem to get enough characterization, but I like what I've read so far. Kit Corwin Rendar also is fairly good. I do think that the dialogue, particularly with the major characters, is static and rushed-doesn't sound natural at all. It's choppy, particularly with Ussej. I happen to hate Laila as a character-both because I just don't like her (she's whiny and foolish! :-P), she's one-dimensional and because she's basically a fanboy dream. However, I also understand the difficulty of writing a female lead while not being female and with (I'm guessing here, so cut me some slack) minimal consultation. (That is exactly why I haven't written a female lead into Force Exile yet; creating and developing a somewhat meaningful character is something I take seriously). On the whole, much better than the prologue, and I'll keep reading it. I do find myself caught up in the story, although I would very much like to punch both Ussej and Laila. (!) Three out of five stars. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 17:48, 18 July 2007 (UTC)

Glad you’re enjoying it more so far. This novel is based upon the old role-plays of TheStarWarsRP.Com, so some of the names I did not create. For example, Darth Sin, Darth Midknight, Darth Ravinos, etc. I did not create. Truth be told, the only character in this novel that I created was Ussej Padric Bac and I helped significantly in the creation of Laili Jeyna Rendar and the future of Damien Nightblade, which is hinted to throughout the novel so maybe you’ll pick up on it. However, I have adapted them and changed their characters around a bit to suit the story I see in my mind. Damien gets some more characterization after Chapter Five and such, as he becomes far more important. Mathias does get a bit more, but he won’t really get all that much until he appears in the sequel novel. He is supposed to be maintained as a mysterious character here, though you will see him a few more times.

If you told the creator of Laili, who is a female, that Laili is whiny and foolish she’d probably rip your head off. The dialogue for Laili is mostly written by the creator, so I guess it’s hard to write female leads even when you’re a female. Obviously I’ve had to adapt the character a lot, so the emotion and description is mine, but I see what you mean. As for the dialogue, can you give me any instances that you truly despised? Hopefully I can fix it up. As for Laili being a fan boy dream, how so?

As for wanting to punch Ussej, that’s certainly what I’ve been going for. As for wanting to punch Laili, well, that’s a new one. - Brandon Rhea 18:35, 18 July 2007 (UTC)

  • Brandon: Wow, fast response. Well, that RPG thing explains some of it, but still, those are silly names. Here's some examples of my least favorite dialogue of all time so far:

“I was hoping you would be the one I would find,” she told him. “Are the stories about you true? You were the one who led the Jedi on Dantooine and the retaking of Centerpoint Station, weren’t you?” “Those were the two battles that the HoloNet decided to focus on when they wouldn’t stop talking about me,” he said, “but they weren’t my only successful campaigns.” “Wow,” she laughed. “Of all the Jedi on Coruscant, I can’t believe I found you. The name’s Laili Jeyna Rendar.” “Rendar,” Ussej asked, stunned at the mentioning of the name. “As in Kit Corwin Rendar?” “Yes,” she told him. “I need to know exactly what happened to him. Why did he leave the Jedi Order? What caused his fall to the Dark Side? Everything, everything that you people keep locked up in that pretty little tower of yours.”



“Laili,” she said, “Laili Jeyna Rendar. I was visiting the graves of my family, our family. You obviously do not need to introduce yourself, for I know who you are. You go by another name now but I still know you to be Kit Corwin Rendar, hero of the Galactic Republic.” “That name, that man, no longer exists,” he shouted. “I left that name behind me when I destroyed the surface of Pho Ph’eah. But, how can you be a Rendar? That is impossible, for I am the last of the Rendar Family. There was no other child by my mother and father, yet there is something odd about you. Your aura, your appearance...it speaks to me as if I should know you. Tell me, what was the name of your mother and father?”


I ran this one through in my head, and it sounds like they are monologuing with each other, not having dialogue-it's an almost epic/bad anime feel, but that whole conversation doesn't flow.

Dialogue isn't my strength either, but I'm conscious of it and try to correct it, so if you ever read any of my work, you'll probably the dialogue isn't that great. (I need to stop admitting all my flaws or you'll know all of them)

On Laili, she also has very little backstory to make me sympathize with her- she's almost pure "eye-candy" if you will at this point, aside from her agenda on Kit Corwin. She's not compelling at all, and is pretty snarky all around to everyone. I made the "fanboy's dream" assertion because she's a highly attractive, independent, easily swayed, heavily emotional, and talented female with a big destiny and a thing right off the bat for Ussej. That's obvious from the first chapter. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:05, 18 July 2007 (UTC)

I personally don't see anything wrong with those lines of dialogue, so I'm surprised that you said that you didn't like them. As for Laili, basically the idea of not having a large backstory is that she was some run of the mill smuggler who, when she found out about her brother, was thrown into something that she really can't understand and that just goes way over her head. As for falling for Ussej immediately and all that, that's going to be covered in later chapters. Here's your spoiler: lust or love? - Brandon Rhea 19:15, 18 July 2007 (UTC)
  • Well, it's just my opinion, and you did ask for it. They don't read too well to me- maybe it's because it's hard to show dramatic pauses in writing, but I don't usually see people in books or movies giving each other such long spiels unless they are ranting or explaining something- neither of which these seemed to be. My guess: Lust. I don't think Laili is in enough control of herself to possibly understand true love. She's a weak character who thinks she's strong. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:26, 18 July 2007 (UTC)

Weak? No, certainly not. Ussej also will have to go through the same thing she will. It's youth and inexperience. If they are weak because of that, then every Human is weak because of it.

  • I didn't mean she was weak in an IU sense, but rather dramatically weak. I'm having a hard time thinking of the term I want, but she does remind me of Emma Bovary- not her actions so much, just her mindset. I disliked that character, and for some of the same reasons I dislike Laili. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:56, 18 July 2007 (UTC)
  • I finished reading the rest of the novel as it stands atm. I noticed it got successively better after Chapter 8, niggling spelling, grammar, and dialogue issues aside, in terms of writing style. With regards to the latter issue, perhaps the use of the word "shouted" is a bit overdone. Just something to check on, but I noticed little variety in the diction for phrases like "said, shouted," etc. Um, chapter 7 should probably be tagged . . . that's more than a little racy. At the very least, I advise a warning tag, given the "kid-friendly" nature of this wiki, and while I also hate cluttering up good prose with a tag, I think it's merited in this case. That chapter, along with the prologue's graphic violence, definitely crossed a line that canonical Star Wars works never touch (Matt Stover's graphic violence aside). Also, I don't know about some of the Terran profanity. Seems to me that you could easily replace that with a more In-Universe approach. AFAIK, no Terran profanity other than "d**n" or "hell" has ever been used in a canonical Star Wars work, although "a**" might have been. I pick and choose the storylines I like, so I don't want to make a blanket statement about the whole work. The Ravionos/Ussej/Laili, Damien/Ussej, Mathias/Laili, Ravinos storylines are good, but wasn't impressed with the Battlelord/Apocalos, or the Ussej/Laili segments. 3.5 out of 5 stars. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:03, 19 July 2007 (UTC)

Good idea about the tags. I'll put up an appropriate tag if I find one or just a warning. I'm glad you enjoyed the rest of it. The Battlelords/Apocalus/Invidius storyline will play out more in the novel and, once the third novel of the trilogy comes around, you'll see that it gets to be more important. Look for the next chapter soon. - Brandon Rhea 16:29, 19 July 2007 (UTC)

By the way, who is Emma Bovary? - Brandon Rhea 02:12, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
  • Heh, Emma Bovary is the protagonist of an old French work called Madame Bovary. She has a distorted view of the world- naive, hopelessly romantic, isn't very practical, and stops at nothing to get what she wants, which is why I made the comparison between her and Laili. On the other hand, she also goes through several men, has a couple affairs, and kills herself horribly in the end, which is why I said her actions weren't comparable to Emma, just her way of thinking. You can take it as a compliment, considering how she's a famous literary character, an insult, as I hate Emma Bovary and the book she's in, or just be indifferent. There's a wikipedia link further up on the page you might appreciate if you're still curious. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 02:28, 20 July 2007 (UTC)

Alright. - Brandon Rhea 02:34, 20 July 2007 (UTC)

RE: Artiste Edit

ForceExile02

Da book cover, second draft

ForceExile03

Book cover-o-rama, third draft

Yes... I would be interested in doing a cover. But there are a few things you need to know: 1) don't ask me to hand-draw it. :P 2) if you want me to you will have to tell me what you want the cover to look like. I know this is such a 'Duh,' but I mean if you want people on there (and most people do want people/persons/things on their cover), you're going to have to tell me what they look like, or better yet, tell me the name of the person whose appearance you want the people-thing to be like. I haven't read but the first part of your novel yet, so I can't come up with something all by my lonesome that would have much to do with the book in question. I don't think you'll be happy with me just sticking nice pics on there. Like that nice Selkath pic and that semi-abstract person I found just today... :) -Solus (Bird of Prey) 18:40, 18 July 2007 (UTC)

  • Great! First, I wouldn't ask you to hand-draw that hideousness, and I'll be happy to give you ideas for the cover. Here's what I'm going for: I want a dark background- the burning Jedi temple from Order 66 would be splendid, but dark and stormy Coruscant will work. That can occupy the middle/center bottom. On the sides, I'd like Plo Koon, Anakin Skywalker, an ARC, Selusda Kraen (see my Wookieepedia userpage) and maybe a Bothan pic would work well for R'hask Sei'lar. If we could work a Serra Keto shot in, that'd be great. (these can be headshots) I don't have a good picture of Sarth Kraen yet, so I'll get back to you on that whenever I get around to Force Exile II's cover. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 19:11, 18 July 2007 (UTC)
    • Okay, that actually sounds easy. (I love my Photoshop of d00m) I'll get back to you soon. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 01:00, 19 July 2007 (UTC)
      • Before I start, is R'hask a tough guy-person or a Jedi-person-thing or what? I don't want to give him a nice serene face if he's a killer or something. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 01:31, 19 July 2007 (UTC)
        • Yay! I'm glad it'll be easy. You have the title and the author name already, I assume. ;-) R'hask is definitely more of a tough guy than a Jedi-type. He's kind of like Booster Terrik in terms of personality: Gruff exterior, heart of well . . . tarnished gold. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 04:19, 19 July 2007 (UTC)
          • I like that metaphor. Okay, tough-guy. There are a couple Bothan mug shot's that'll do the job. While we're on the subject of the author, you just want 'Atarumaster88,' right? Nothing fancy? I can start on it now, that kinda stuff is done last, so don't think I'm stalling. I won't be able to start until later, though, I got something going on this morning. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 11:45, 19 July 2007 (UTC)
            • Sure thing- there's no rush. Thanks for your help. And yes, just Atarumaster88 for the author. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 13:07, 19 July 2007 (UTC)
              • Okay, I have the 'first draft' up. I couldn't fit all of the characters you wanted in there because it would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay cluttered. I have the file still open in layers, so if you don't want R'hask and Serra there and instead someone else, I can still do that. But here's basically what we're looking at.
                PS the original is huge; big images make for more detail. :) -Solus (Bird of Prey) 23:05, 19 July 2007 (UTC)
  • I hate to be a picky customer, but I have a few changes for you. First, I'm highly impressed with the background. It looks great. And I gave you a lot of characters to work with on purpose to give you some variety. Here's what I'd like to change: Let's swap out the Bothan with the ARC- he's more of a major character. Can you make Anakin's head not so dim and move it down and to the right some so it's just above that one lighter grey cloud. Then, I think we could fit Plo Koon's head right into that space on the middle right. Another thing: I'd like to have the full title on there, but there's no way that would fit. Can we at least add a "I" onto the title though if we're not going to have the Fugitive part? It would be kind of confusing since it's the first in a series. Thanks. Last thing: What was the reason behind the orangeish bottom segment? I was thinking more a darker color for this book, but if you have a good reason, I'm open to discussion. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 01:40, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
    • Don't worry, I anticipated some changes. That's why I still have it in layers. :) I forgot about the 'Fugitive' part, I though it was just Force Exile. My bad. I'll be sure to add that. I'll make Fugitive fit, I already got an idea about how to work it out. I can do the rearranging easy. The orangish bottom segment is there because the pic I got of the temple ends right where the orange thing begins, and if I put the temple at the bottom, it would be obscured by the lettering. I wanted the burning temple to be visible. The reason it's orange is so to match the flames, as well, that orange is a good compliment to slate blue. I can change the color to anything you like, I have that nifty Hue/Saturation color slider and a nice darkener. Just tell me what you want. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 02:31, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
  • Much better, and I'm loving the way the green saber blade reflects off other peoples' faces. The title fix is great too. Just a couple minor things: Plo Koon's head looks like he's floating in space. Here's my solution: Can you either move his head down so the top of it is about half-way above Anakin's (but on the left side) to create a "staggered" effect like on Anderson's books OR you could bring in more of his torso and Jedi robes in from the picture to fill in that dark space between Plo, Serra, and Anakin. I just don't like that dark space. Second, can we swap out the clone trooper pic? It's not of an ARC, which is why I object. On the other hand, there's a very nice pic of an ARC at this link. Just put that in and move it down some to lessen the space between the hooded Jedi and the ARC. I prefer all the characters' portraits to be just about smack on top of each other. Oh, and tweak the brightness on the dark blue part just a bit upward. It's just a hair too dark. Thanks for your help. You've been great to work with- third time's the charm! Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 15:43, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
    • I'm glad you like the little green shine-reflection. I love detail, and I thought that would be a nice touch. Staggered, got it. Thanks for providing the pic, I was wondering what you were wanting, and that is an ARC, it just looks like a clonetrooper. :) Lightening the dark blue should be easy. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 15:46, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
      • Here we go. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 16:05, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
        • The reason my response took so long was because I was ogling the image. Third time's the charm- it looks great. Thank you so much! P.S. Would you be interested in doing cover art for other installment(s) of the series? Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 16:32, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
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