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"Come on in, have a drink! Just keep civil!"
Welcome to the Critic's Lounge! Feel free to drop some critique on another user's article, just remember the rules! If you are here to add critique, please remember to use the {{critic}} template and to add a new section at the bottom of the page! Also, be sure to place the {{ybc}} template on the talk page of critiqued articles!
- Rules:
- Only critique articles/in-universe content around Star Wars Fanon, not users or the community in general.
- Keep your critique civil, and make it constructive. It can be negative, though this is not a bash-fest. You must give some form of constructive criticism.
- Keep responses and comments civil. Do not reply if you are not ready to take criticism for your work.
- Enjoy!
Zak Koroen[]
| Zak Koroen by Zakkoroen | |
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| Critic | Squishy Vic |
| Critique | I have a lot to say about this article. First off, the technical things. The article doesn't not use the {{quote}} template as it should, the headers in the biography are incorrect and fail the MOS, and there are links in section headers (which there shouldn't be). Another technical issue is that there are far too many images just cluttered up inside the article and they should be moved to the talk page under "images to be used" or something similar. With all these issues, lack of content and activity, this article seems like a good candidate for deletion to me. Now, onto the in-universe critique. First off, how could someone be turned to the dark side before birth? That takes nurturing (such as Sith training). Next, why did Luke come to take Zak specifically? And how in the world would someone, never been trained in their life, overpower the most powerful Jedi (Luke) of his time? Anyways, let's move onto the future story.
The article fails to explain how Zak even becomes a Knight, then suddenly he is deemed a Master. Later, he has a child with Jaina through unexplained circumstances. Supposedly, Zak then went on a search for his former padawan, but this is never followed. Instead, it skips ahead years later, to where Zak's son apparently turns to the dark side (again with unexplained reasons) and then he is redeemed (with unexplained reasons). Later, Zak is turned to the dark side (with unexplained reasons) and then he is redeemed 70 years later (with no explanation). Then he goes back in time and stops himself from turning to the dark side (with unexplained reasons. Again.) Overall, this article is just stating random things and tells no reasons as to why these things occur or such. It's annoying. I suggest that the author of this article please (first) fix all of the technical errors stated above, to keep the article a bit more organized. Next, the author should rewrite the entire article with a lot of expansion and details on the story, and take time to do it (instead of rushing and skipping all logic/reason). With details and good writing, this article has potential, but just one liner sentences about random stuff isn't exactly helping. Therefore, which is why I critiqued this article. These are my suggestions and this article should really be fixed up ASAP. Because, honestly, this article is a good candidate for deletion (as are many others, but we're talking about this one right now). That's all I have to say. |
| Comments | Alright I've been wanting to say these things A LOT but a didn't want to hurt Zakkoroen's feelings. I wish I could say these kind of things in a nice way like you, Vic. I'm just too harsh sometimes. Anyways, yes, I agree and this may be able to qualify as a deletion candidate...—Darthtyler  Talk 22:34, 24 October 2007 (UTC)
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New Confederacy of Independent Systems[]
| New Confederacy of Independent Systems by Troyb | |
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| Critic | Squishy Vic |
| Critique | There aren't really any technical issues, so I'll jump right into the in-universe critique. First off, why does Troyb go to Mustafar, and how does he do it? You say with the help of the New Trade Federation, but how did they come back and regain power? How did they get by the Empire, building "for years" a droid army? Another thing is how in the world did Troyb gain money to do it? Later, why in the world would the New Republic allow him to build a Death Star? Sure, he wasn't part of them, but something twice the original Death Star's size would be clearly noticed. Then, the GDE comes into play, and they join forces, which is fine. But how would their forces get by the New Republic? Now onto 'War with the Republic'. That section just generalizes saying "fought many battles" and that most worlds "were captured" with no details and a totally bias siding, practically saying no one could beat the NCoIS. Now after they captured many worlds, why would the New Republic (Since they still owned the core worlds) allow the Confederacy to build more droids instead of attacking and fighting them off? Later, why would many governments join the NCIS? All it states is that the New Republic wasn't ready to take control of them, but why? What reasoning and what made the NCIS better? Too much generalization throughout and very little detail, if any at all.
Now later the NCIS makes an alliance with the Empire. First off, what Empire? The empire was destroyed 4 ABY and only a small portion, the remnant, remained, until they too were destroyed. Later, again lots of details lacking on why the New Republic surrenders and how the New Jedi Order fell to the NCIS. Just states in a "battle". Again, lacking many many details. The last line in the history is what bugs me the most. How in the heck can a government rule for 10,000 years without opposition or even a history? Why not continue to history? What makes the NCIS so powerful? A long time to rule is plausible, but 10,000 years without giving a single detail about it is just ridiculous. About the Confederate Senate; why the heck would they have a senate (which should involve democracy) when Troyb just makes all the decisions? That doesn't make sense. As far as the astrography goes, at least an explanation of how each planet was captured should be given and detailed. Lastly, throughout the article there are many punctuation, spelling, capitalization, etc. (grammar) errors that need to be fixed up. Lack of details is this articles biggest problem. |
| Comments | Thanks for pointing out problems vic, I was just adding more detail, I know I can be a hard head when it comes to people critisizing my article  TroybAllSpark Quest contribs 18:42, 25 October 2007 (UTC)
Now later the NCIS makes an alliance with the Empire. First off, what Empire? The empire was destroyed 4 ABY and only a small portion, the remnant, remained, until they too were destroyed. —Don Vic
About the Confederate Senate; why the heck would they have a senate (which should involve democracy) when Troyb just makes all the decisions? That doesn't make sense. —Don Vic
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Embrious Tentacus[]
| Embrious Tentacus by The sunder king | |
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| Critic | Darth tom |
| Critique | I saw the article Embrious Tentacus the other day, as the author requested me to review it, so, on his talk page, I did, but here I would also like to point some things out, and if the sunder king is reading this, then I'm trying to encourage positive criticism so that he can improve his articles. Firstly, I think that it's pretty low on detail. There are some users, such as user:NKSCF who include brilliant amounts of detail in their work, yet this article does not have this. For a start, the introduction is far too short, and some things doon't show. For example, it says that he fought and destroyed Darth Neronix, and that it was his greatest honour, but it doesn't say anything about this fight, or why it was his greatest honour. And how did the strong investigation reveal that it was Neronix? And how did Mace Windu force him into fighting in the clone wars, (it explains his reason, but not how he did it) and why did he not want to in the first place? Then he instantly gets promoted, with no explanation of how or why. This article could do with having these areas rectified, but also a large amount of detail added. |
| Comments | Comments/Responses go here; separate them by using an asterisk (*) |
Battle of Geonosis (New CIS/GDE Wars)[]
| Battle of Geonosis (New CIS/GDE Wars) by Troyb | |
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| Critic | Brandon Rhea |
| Critique | To try to get some usage out of the Critic’s Lounge, I’m placing my review of this article here, as it’s also on the article’s talk page. The review is organized by sections. I hope this helps you out and that this was what you were hoping for, since as you know I don't just like to leave a "good job!" and leave it at that. Anyway, here's the review:
There is potential in this article. It just needs a great deal of work, mostly through adding necessary detail to have a story that flows well. Also, one thing I noticed was that you tended to write out whole names everytime they're mentioned. You don't need to put "Luke Skywalker" whenever you mention him. Put "Skywalker", and I say "Skywalker" instead of "Luke" because first names in a battle article is too POV. There's also a lot of unnecessary capitalization on random words. You need to really look over your articles before you post them. |
| Comments | Others can add their thoughts and Troyb can put any responses here. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom) (Record) 16:16, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
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Isaac Leonhart[]
| Isaac Leonhart by Lionheart | |
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| Critic | Atarumaster88 |
| Critique | I found it rather ridiculous that this was up on the Critic's Lounge request page for two weeks and nobody bothered to care. Take everything I say with a grain of salt, but a well-flavored one. I do have plenty of review experience on Wookieepedia and I do generally know what I'm talking about.
Mary Sues. Why did it have to be Mary Sues? —Indiana Ataru and the Leonhart of Doom
Links, do you use them? —Ataru L. Jackson
I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, please use spell check. —Princess Atara Mastera
I suggest that the author of this article please (first) fix all of the spelling and grammar errors, as there's no way anyone can take something with this many errors in it seriously. That should be the number one priority. Now, about the plot. If you ask me, it's not even worth salvaging, and since you did ask, I told you. But if that's not what you had mind, I suggest tossing in some images, Beyond that, I really can't say. At least, I'm prohibited by site policy from saying worse. Atarumaster88 |
| Comments | One of the worst Mary Sues I have read. Granted, that's not too many, but this was not a fun read at all. Atarumaster88  (Talk page) 06:10, 24 May 2008 (UTC)
Yeah, quotes really should only be sourced if they appear in a fan fiction piece on here, or if it's a quote from something canon. - President Brandon Rhea
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Lightning[]
- For more criticisms of the article, please view Star Wars Fanon:Deletion page/Lightning.
| Lightning by Commander Lightning | |
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| Critic | Brandon Rhea |
| Critique | I rewrote this article, but even I can't do it justice. There are just too many things wrong with it. I’ve laid out my criticisms of this article below and on the article’s talk page. The review is broken up into the sections of the article. Here we go:
This just isn't a very good article. I'm not trying to knock you or anything and instead give you some constructive feedback, but it just looks like absolutely no thought went into the writing of this article. You need to either sit down and really think this out using my suggestions above, or do as Ron White says: "Next time you have a thought, let it go...". I hope you aim for the former. |
| Comments | Others can add their thoughts and Commander Lightning can put any responses he has here as well. - President Brandon Rhea (Pressroom) (Record) 16:16, 2 May 2008 (UTC)
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