This is the archived review page for the successful featured article nomination of Pepan Manja.
Nomination[]
Featured article (successful)[]
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Approve (4 Council of Seers/5 users/9 total)
Reviewed and approved. - Brandon Rhea 
(talk) 04:06, 19 August 2009 (UTC)- I eat flies for supper. –Victor
(talk page) 06:42, 19 August 2009 (UTC) 
Okie. - Joe (talk) 15:25, 19 August 2009 (UTC)- --”'Wylind”' (talk) 15:45, 19 August 2009 (UTC)
- Great article. And unique (in a good way). Drewton (Drewton's Holocron) 15:51, 19 August 2009 (UTC)
- Brent Krajewski (The Forge) (Gateway) 19:44, 19 August 2009 (UTC)
- --Darth tom (Message me) (Contributions) 20:07, 19 August 2009 (UTC)
- A true marvel. --Michaeldsuarez (Talk) (Deeds) 23:31, 19 August 2009 (UTC)
- What everyone else said. — JM76 Droid IRC 07:57, 20 August 2009 (UTC)
Objections
- First in a long time. Was a very good read.
In the intro, perhaps "on the planet Coruscant" would be good."Off the radar" is somewhat colloquial."stewed" is rather colloquial too."Whether they are sentient or otherwise" - Shouldn't that be "were"?"left the planet Kubindi" for context, perhaps.Same with Coruscant."Cut to the core" is also a colloquial phrase."Dingy" is colloquial, and somewhat POV. Perhaps poor, an area that wasn't affluent, something like that."The final nail" is also colloquial."In a horror movie" - I don't believe they have movies in the Star Wars universe, and that's somewhat colloquial regardless.- The number of objections don't do the article justice; I found it once of the best reads I've had in a long while. :) --Darth tom (Message me) (Contributions) 08:03, 18 August 2009 (UTC)
- From Brandon Rhea
- Introduction
- “mentally unstable” - POV unless it’s in the form of a diagnoses. For example, “was a diagnosed mentally unstable” etc.
- “male” goes after “Kubaz.”
- Underlevels does not exist on Wookieepedia. Do you mean Coruscant Underworld?
- “However, after his expulsion” - chop off the “However” and then start a new paragraph with “After his expulsion.”
- Period after “Zuckuss” and then start a new sentence with “The Kubaz’s resisdence.” Be sure to add “was” between “residence” and “searched.”
- Comma after “criminally insanse.”
- Was there a specific prison as opposed to just “penal facility?” Not required, but I figured I’d ask.
- Early life
- “was a Kubaz” - add and link to “male” after “Kubaz.”
- Change the link from “Outer Rim” to “Outer Rim Territories,” as the former is a redirect.
- The “the,” the apostrophe and ‘s’ in “the galaxy’s” should be part of the link name. For example, [[starwars:The galaxy|the galaxy’s]].
- “finest cooking schools” - POV. What you could say is “pursue an education on Coruscant at what was ranked by critics as one of the galaxy’s finest cooking schools.” This removes both the POV and covers weasel words.
- “He was quiet and withdrawn” - borderline POV, despite the previous sense. “He was seen as quiet and withdrawn” removes the POV.
- “The urges gnawed at Pepan” - this seems to be a bit prosey to me, but I’d get a second opinion unless you want to change it to remove a potential borderline prosey statement.
- Period after “at Pepan” and start a new sentence with “He attempted to quell.”
- “his skill, his classmates” - “and” before “his classmates.”
- “worked hard” - POV.
- “fair reviews” - “fair” as in “OK, acceptable reviews,” or fair as in “that’s not fair!”
- Period goes inside the quotes in “rubbery boot leather.”
- Quotes within text like that, and the two instances that follow, are generally frowned upon. I won’t require it, but I’d strongly suggest working it into the paragraph as standard text.
- Descent into madness
- The section header is a bit POVish and prosey.
- “The defeat and criticism” - since we’re in a new section, it’d be best to give context, as in “The defeat and criticism in the Durasteel Chef competition.”
- “release, he” - either need to start a new sentence with “he” or add a semicolon between them.
- The second paragraph doesn’t state that Pepan was murdering the people.
- The first sentence of the third paragraph needs to be reworded for clarity.
- Context needed on Calliandro's.
- “would have been no trouble for him” - borderline POV. You should state that he felt it would’ve been no trouble.
- The last stand-alone sentence could be part of the previous paragraph.
- Escalation
- Links in quotes are also generally frowned upon, from what I’ve seen. The best bet would be to take the link out and then make the quote’s context say “Pepan Manja, in reference to the findsman Zuckuss” and then link to Zuckuss there.
- Period inside the quotes at the end of the second to last sentence in the first paragraph.
- “to his integrity” - whose?
- “The killings did not end there.” - Prosey. Strike the sentence altogether.
- “Undercity” - because you’re not referencing the actual proper noun name of the area, “undercity” should be de-capitalized.
- “Zuckuss who” - comma between the two.
- The part about what they found in the apartment is way too prosey. Reword to something like this: “Inside, authorities discovered what they felt looked more like a workshop, finding stolen meat market equipment and a stack of meat in the freezers. The smell was also what they felt was the smell of flesh.” That removes what is better suited for a narrative.
- “brought to nine charges” - “brought to” doesn’t really apply. Better to say “indicted on nine charges.” After that, you’ll want to say that he was sentenced to life in prison after a trial.
- Per the quotes within text thing above, the same applies at the end of this section.
- Overall biography
- Personality and traits
- “Withdrawn and socially inept” - POV.
- Put “and” between “expertise” and “criticism.”
- Talents and abilities
- “most succulent flavors of his victims’ flesh” - borderline prosey.
- I don’t believe “respirator” and “breath mask” are the same thing, so you’d want to change the former to the latter.
- ammonia they breathe” - tense.
- Behind the scenes
- “crime drama” - you reference two shows, so “drama” needs to be plural.
- You say you drew upon stories from the shows. Examples? It’s necessary detail.
- Period inside the quotes after “mangiare.”
- Comma inside the quotes after “peptic.”
- Comma inside the quotes after “mangiare.”
- Great character. Reminds me of Charles Manson just a tad bit. Very fun read. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 17:24, 18 August 2009 (UTC)
- Introduction
Comments