This is the archived review page for the successful featured article nomination of Magnum Rockwater.
Nomination[]
This section is no longer active. Should you wish to voice your opinion on the article, please do so on its talk page.
Approve (5 Seers/5 users/10 total)
- --User:Darth Wylind (Conference Room) 19:45, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
- Good job!-BluethunderContact 21:10, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
- —InfernalWarrior [ talk ]
- Trak Nar Ramble on 04:46, May 25, 2010 (UTC)
- Brent Krajewski (The Forge) (Gateway) 03:26, May 30, 2010 (UTC)
GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 22:42, June 13, 2010 (UTC)
- — JM76 Droid IRC 01:09, June 14, 2010 (UTC)
- Pushing it along. ---Ping(JediCommando) 20:25, June 14, 2010 (UTC)
Congrats, it's just been passed.Whoops, not yet, but still has my vote.--Josh BenderTalk 20:26, June 14, 2010 (UTC)- Brandon Rhea (talk) 21:45, June 19, 2010 (UTC)
Objections
Brandon Rhea has something to say- General
- I haven't actually started reviewing this yet, but I have removed the "Appearances" section from the article. Please don't include items in "Appearances" unless you have an article to go along with them. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 20:12, January 17, 2010 (UTC)
- Coo-Neo Crisis
- This section lacks in some relevant detail:
- What was the Coo-Neo Crisis?
- "promising to have military support on Telos IV by the battle's end." - What battle? It's unclear if this is in reference to a battle on Telos, or if the Coo-Neo Crisis is a battle and not a war. Please elaborate.
- "and secured a victory for the Republic." - in this battle or, if the Coo-Neo Crisis is a war, the overall conflict?
- Some explanation on Great Militia Debate and how/if Rockwater was involved would be good.
- This section lacks in some relevant detail:
Brandon Rhea (talk) 18:30, May 30, 2010 (UTC)- Fix-ed.-I'm the Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 19:17, May 30, 2010 (UTC)
I have not yet finished reviewing this article. These objections, plus this comment which counts as an objection covering everything I might still find, will be crossed when I have. I'll finish it today. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 21:28, June 14, 2010 (UTC)
- Fix-ed.-I'm the Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 19:17, May 30, 2010 (UTC)
- General
- Here's what Bluethunder found...
- Early life
"He grew up in less than challenging conditions, and because of his parents position in society, he was able to go to the most prestigious schools in the galaxy, including the Political wing of the University of Alderaan." Rewording this sentence would make it flow a lot better.
- Seat on the Senate
"Soon thereafter he became increasing appalled and disillusioned with the policies and stance of the Senator." Does 'soon' and 'thereafter' both have to be in that sentence? Why not 'later' or another more fitting word?- It mixes in more advanced wording, which I believe is encouraged over the overuse of words like "later" or "afterward".-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I don't see how 'soon' and 'thereafter' constitute advanced language. In my opinion, it just ruins the flow. Which I consider to be more important than advanced wording.--BluethunderTalk 01:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- It mixes in more advanced wording, which I believe is encouraged over the overuse of words like "later" or "afterward".-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
"This would help him become 'one of the most influential Senators of this era' according to then-Chancellor Orasco." Shouldn't this sentence be structured like, "This helped him become 'one of the most influential senators of the era' according to the Chancellor at the time, Orasco." or something like that. All you should really change in that sentence is the 'this would help' because that doesn't match correctly with the proper tense. Or maybe that's my personal opinion.
- First bid
This section has a little too much "Pizazz". An example, "...until a senator named Kinaya Madrid stopped his bid cold, and convinced the undecided to take the imcumbent's side." 'Stopped his bid cold' isn't need. "...until Senator Kinaya Madrid convinced the undecided senators to take the incumbent's side." is one way to improve the sentence. Another thing the sentence lacks is explanation, how did Kinaya convince the senators? Did he threaten them or reason with them?- I will take out "cold", because that is a little of the top, but I think the rest of the sentence is fine the way it is. I will work on the reasoning.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I just gave the example as an alternative. --BluethunderTalk 01:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- More reforms
"Though the bill was rejected and passed over numerous times, 49% as of 30 BBY, it finally got passed and enacted on 25 BBY." To me, '49% as of 30 BBY' adds confusion to the sentence. Is there anywhere else where the statistic can go in that section?- Because it is an apposition, you don't have to read it. I suppose I can break it up into two separate sentences to make it less "confusing" and choppy.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
"Some said due to his stance on the Jedi and his relationship..." When I read this over it didn't sound grammatically correct, "It was said that due to his stance on the Jedi and his relationship..." sound more grammatically correct. I don't know though.- Sounds like personal preference, but I have no problem changing it.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
"Several historians argued that this was the most important decision of the last 1,000 years, since the Ruusan Reformation, and paved the way for future events." Is the 'Last 1,000 years' really required? Deleting it makes the sentence flow better.- Well based on the "as much detail as possible" requirement, it is very much needed. Not every single fan of Star Wars knows when the Ruusan Reformation occurred.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Personality and traits
"He was a sincere and just politician, according to the Jedi and fellow politicians, traits many fellow government officials say are harder to find." Part of the sentence was written in present tense, I fixed it.
- Abilities
How come his ability to sway peoples votes is never stated earlier. I just thought people liked his proposals. It may be smart to include something in the article.I thought I did talked about it in the article, but I will have to look again.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)- I may have read past it. I'll check.--BluethunderTalk 01:52, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Overall
- Overall this article's writing is decent. The character itself is intriguing, but your article would be better if you elaborated more about him. There are several points where you added "Pizazz", you should keep in mind that this is more of an encyclopedia than story.--BluethunderTalk 00:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Encyclopedias do use "pizazz" words, and it is preferred over simplified words, as long as it is moderation. I also did not use prose, which is speaking of events in an over-elaborate and evasive manner. I will cut down on the higher tier words if it is needed. I will work out some of the kinks, but some of these concerns seem like a personal preference between two similar things.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- "I also did not use prose" - if you didn't use prose then you didn't use written words, and therefore this article doesn't exist. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 01:30, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I didn't mean "pizazz" words, I meant descriptions. The personal preference suggestions I mentioned were stated because I felt that they disrupted the articles flow or structure. In this discussion, you said that you wanted to use advanced language.What use is the advanced language when your article has odd structure. Also, rule 2.5 says "The article must be clear, using a logical structure written in plain language."--BluethunderTalk 01:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- You know what I mean Rhea. Bluethunder I said "higher tier words" or "advanced words" which does not exactly mean advanced language. Anyway, the article doesn't have an odd structure, the sentences do. Compound sentences use odd structure and are quite frequent. Also, rules like that can be subjective. What could be plain language to me can mean something else for you. I believe that it is up to the individual to decide.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 02:19, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Bluethunder, requiring "plain language" means no flowery/narrative prose. It doesn't mean it should just be basic English words. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 02:20, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I just felt there were times that I wondered if the sentences needed to be worded that way. It didn't seem like an encyclopedic article to me at times. Maybe that's cause I was reading too much into the sentences.--BluethunderTalk 02:39, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Bluethunder, requiring "plain language" means no flowery/narrative prose. It doesn't mean it should just be basic English words. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 02:20, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- You know what I mean Rhea. Bluethunder I said "higher tier words" or "advanced words" which does not exactly mean advanced language. Anyway, the article doesn't have an odd structure, the sentences do. Compound sentences use odd structure and are quite frequent. Also, rules like that can be subjective. What could be plain language to me can mean something else for you. I believe that it is up to the individual to decide.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 02:19, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I didn't mean "pizazz" words, I meant descriptions. The personal preference suggestions I mentioned were stated because I felt that they disrupted the articles flow or structure. In this discussion, you said that you wanted to use advanced language.What use is the advanced language when your article has odd structure. Also, rule 2.5 says "The article must be clear, using a logical structure written in plain language."--BluethunderTalk 01:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- "I also did not use prose" - if you didn't use prose then you didn't use written words, and therefore this article doesn't exist. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 01:30, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Encyclopedias do use "pizazz" words, and it is preferred over simplified words, as long as it is moderation. I also did not use prose, which is speaking of events in an over-elaborate and evasive manner. I will cut down on the higher tier words if it is needed. I will work out some of the kinks, but some of these concerns seem like a personal preference between two similar things.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 01:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Overall this article's writing is decent. The character itself is intriguing, but your article would be better if you elaborated more about him. There are several points where you added "Pizazz", you should keep in mind that this is more of an encyclopedia than story.--BluethunderTalk 00:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Early life
- What I could find
Comments
At a quick glance, this article seems well-written. Since Rhea and Bluethunder are both reviewing this, I'll just ass my vote, which doesn't matter until all objections from the above-mentioned reviewers are corrected. --User:Darth Wylind (Conference Room) 19:43, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
- Rhea is not reviewing this at the moment and Bluethunder's have been addressed, so it is up to him to cross out the objections or tell me what still needs to be fixed from those. At this moment in time you have voted for a perfect article. -Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 19:59, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
- There are few things you forgot to change or remove. I slashed the ones you did do and the ones that were mostly personal preference. I'd be happy to vote for it once they are changed.-BluethunderContact 20:16, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
Personal preference things don't have to be changed if I remember correctly, but I changed them anyway.-Chosen OneSo the Prophecy says... 20:44, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
- Cool, I'll get to voting right away. But first, I must cross out all my objections.-BluethunderContact 20:47, March 18, 2010 (UTC)