This is the archived review page for the rejected good article nomination of Holy Cilwellian Empire.
Good article nomination (rejected)
Support (0 Seers/2 users/2 total)
- Yeah. I've taken care of all the complaints so far. Therefore, I don't feel that it's too arrogant to go ahead and support this article . Red Head Rider | HoloNet | war zone | battle cry
- If the complaints are taken care of....MOVE ALONG! --Arav the Undersith (Contact Me) (My contributions) 04:52, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
Alright. Here's what I could find: The Cilwellians were simply too technologically primitive...change this to 'considered too primitive' Omus' clan became the most powerful family on Cilwelli and Omus became the most powerful person in his family POV-ish, and could be reworded anyway. crude fleet of starfighters change it to basic starfighters or something Cilwelli treated the Urgals very harshly The ferocity of the rebels a headstrong visionary The attack ended in utter disaster for the Cilwelli. Hardship was all they ever knew, and yet they took pride in their pain, not really POV, but still a bit too prosey However, punishments were not usually this extreme Other less severe punishments beautiful jungle scenery In short, change subjective words such as 'severe' and 'beautiful' and the like to something less disputive, like 'their punishment was considered severe', or words to that effect. In short, this article is fairly good, and with a little bit of cleanup could easily be a GA. Unit 8311 16:02, 8 September 2008 (UTC)
- From Drewton's holocron:
- Last sentence of the first paragraph is in present tense.
- During Zargayus' reign, a feeling of superiority came over the Cilwellians. Other species were enslaved or killed. The events in the second sentence come as result of the events in the first, and it doesn't seem that way with how it's written. Add something like "and as a result" between the two sentences.
- Up against a numerically and technologically superior force, the proud Cilwellians had to call for aid. "Had to" sounds bad here. "Were forced to" would be better.
- The Hutt Empire, who was also fighting Xim, I don't think the Hutt Empire is a "who".
- Holy wars
- However, the Auslurs did not have time to debate. Rioting, fueled by religious hatred, brook out in the capital. Brook should be broke.
- Originally, they hoped to use the theocrat as a bargaining chip. But Zargayus refused to be a puppet. Sentences should be combined.
- Oloni and his army pursued the fleeing pagans. The two sides collided in a small canyon. Sentences again need to be combined.
- However, the battle did not end without taking its toll on Oloni. A stray blaster bolt hit him in the chest. He and his men were buried at Cilwelli City. Sounds choppy.
- Hutt-Xim War
- At first, Cilwelli stayed out of the conflict. But everything changed when Xim's war-robots landed on Cilwelli and began scouting the world. Sentences need to be combined, and "everything changed" sounds bad.
- Therefore Ozlu began rethinking his strategy. He realized that the superior Hutt armies were also at war with Xim. So he met with Hutt ambassadors, who were eager to accept Ozlu's offer. Sentences need to be combined.
- Middle Clans
- Their training was intense and their vigor and zeal was unparalleled. The second "was" should be "were".
- Low Clans
- This clan was where all non-Cilwellian individuals who immigrated to the planet were placed. "This clan" should be replaced with "The Low Cloans".
- "Didn't" should be "did not".
- Their children were taught to do the hardest jobs with joy and happiness. Most grueling would sound better than hardest.
- One of these gods was good and just and the other was vile and harsh. "Considered" needs to be added or else it's POV.
- Gladiatoral combat
- Sometimes, losing gladiators would actually play dead in order to create a more dramatic effect. Play dead is more of an Earth term. Pretend to be dead would be better.
- The secound type of main combat was known as huze. Secound = second
- The youthful gladiators weren't to kill each other. Rather, they fought with neuronic whips and wore masks made of a plant called yussu. Combine the sentences with a semi-collin.
- Padawan should be capitilized.
- Editors would higher Jedi or other Force-sensitives to compete in the games. Higher to hire.
- More later.Drewton (Drewton's Holocron) 20:52, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
- My first time here; I hope I don't do anything wrong. I didn't actually read the article, but I manage to identify a major issue right away: the images are too small; you almost got to place your face on the screen in order to see them. --Michaeldsuarez (Talk) (Deeds) 15:17, 4 October 2008 (UTC)
- JM76's comments:
- No context is given on the origins or purpose of the holy men or the state religion as a whole in the Empire's early days.
- "The Crex severally persecuted all non-conformists." Severely is PoV.
- Heathen is PoV.
- No context on the origin or founding of the Zargi.
- "In order to end the destructive conflict..." PoV.
- In the section title, you misspell "Deities". — JM76 Ask Archives 22:31, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
- Per above. I'll review this in depth if the author corrects the issues above, but it seems there a still a lot left to be fixed. -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 17:45, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
- Some of the images are very small. I highly recommend giving them a size of at least 200px. Also, Image:DesertDuel.jpg need proper sourcing.
- In the infobox, misspelling of "Alsur" (should be Aulsur I think) and double link to Cilwelli. Remove one.
- BTS: "look similar to Chiss. But his idea" Combine those sentences, proper flow.
- More later. --Victortalk 10:37, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
- There were quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes which I've fixed. Will read more throughly soon, but for now I can say that some image thumbnails could be larger. Drewton (Drewton's Holocron) 16:45, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
I've browsed through it, and I've noticed a few instances of POV such as they were treated very harshly and stuff similar to this. I'll highlight the ones I can find later, if that'll make it easier. Unit 8311 15:49, 5 September 2008 (UTC)
Vote to remove nomination (Council of Seers)
- This has been up since September, most of the complaints are unadressed, and Red Head Rider's last contribution was in October. Drewton (Drewton's Holocron) 15:06, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
- Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 17:32, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
- Unless the author decides to get on with it. Unit 8311Talk! 17:54, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
- --Victortalk 23:54, 21 December 2008 (UTC)