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in: Good article reviews

CS:Darth Transel

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This is the archived review page for the rejected good article nomination of Darth Transel.

Nomination[]

This section is no longer active. Should you wish to voice your opinion on the article, please do so on its talk page.

Approve (0 Seers/0 users/0 total)

Objections

  1. Council of Seers vote Brandon Rhea has something to say
    • General
      • Parts of the personality section are written in the present tense.
      • The behind the scenes section is a bulleted list.
    • Basic things like this need to be met before we even begin to do a proper review. Please be sure to clean those up and I’d be happy to review this and help you get it to GA status. Giving it a quick glance, it’s going to need more than just a minor clean up. We’ll definitely help you get there though. =) - Brandon Rhea Alliance Starbird (talk) 00:03, January 10, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Here's what Bluethunder213 found...
    • Training as a Jedi
      • "On Coruscant the Jedi told him that he was Ies Darrum, a Jedi Knight and that they were given an audience with the Council." Why would the Jedi tell him that he was Ies Darrum? Maybe the sentence should be phrased, "On Coruscant, the Jedi introduced himself as Jedi Knight, Ies Darrum. He also told him that they were given an audience with the Council." Or something like that.
    • Mission to Aquen
      • "Upon landing in the Deav Spaceport they saw signs of battle along the floor and walls." This sentence could be elaborated more, were there blaster marks along the walls or blood?
      • "He then realized those five were the Royal Guards, turned to the dark side." Incorrectly written in my opinion, 'those' should be 'the'.
      • Also, what do you mean by "using hate"?
    • Fall to the dark side
      • "After killing the Royal Guards, he betrayed his master, as seeing he doesn't like the pacifistic ways of the Jedi." The 'doesn't' makes the sentence present tense. Also, the sentence is confusing.
      • "Half of them were killed from their insolence and the other half knew most of the tenents on becoming a Sith." Do you mean tenants? This sentence is also confusing, rewording it would be a good idea. An example would be "Half of the students were killed from their insolence and the other half became members of the Sith Academy." Or something even less confusing.
    • Killing Lord Revan
      • "Darth Malak was thinking that Revan was growing weak,". It should be written "Darth Malak thought that Revan had grown weak,". That way the sentence is completely past tense.
      • "Transel agreed with the whole thing and assured Malak that everything will go as planned." 'thing' doesn't provide detail and is not professional. Replace 'thing' with plan or something else. Just make sure it sounds professional.
      • "When the strike time boarded Revan's vessel, Transel informed Malak that it's time, and Malak ordered his ship to fire at Revan's bridge." Do you mean strike team? Strike time makes zero sense. Also, 'it's' makes it present since "it's" means "It is". The sentence should be "Transel informed Malak that it was time,".
    • Destruction of Star Forge
      • "A year after, Transel was third-in-command of the whole Sith Empire. Transel then remembered about the artifacts and requested to go back to his academy for a month. Malak agreed, considering all that he did for him." I have a a couple questions about these sentences, Why did Transel ask if he could return to his academy? And, what are these said artifacts? You should give a least a minor explanation of the artifacts when they're first brought up.
    • Death
      • Is written in present tense, I fixed it.
    • Powers and abilities
      • Power and abilities has red links, you may want to fix that.
    • Overall
      • Your article has several Marty Sue elements. I will try to find more errors later, but right now all the above errors are what I found.--BluethunderTalk 02:46, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
        • Uh, Bluethunder, the Death part is supposed to be in past tense, otherwise it fails the MoS. ---Ping(JediCommando) 02:51, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
          • I meant present tense, I made the corrections to make it past tense.--BluethunderTalk 03:08, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
        • Fixed. LordDeathRay (The Sith Archives) Sabersmilyredd 12:10, January 22, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

Vote to reject – Seers only (4/4)

  1. This article needs a lot of work. The spelling and grammar is poor, there are multiple red links, tense issues in a few spots, pretty poor sentence structure, and to top it all off the character is pretty much a Mary Sue. Unfortunately, this needs more work for good article status than the nomination page is here to offer. Don’t be discouraged though! Keep at it, seek help from other users, visit the Writing Center, and keep working towards improvement and one day you can definitely get this to good article status! The entire community is here to help you, but because the nomination page is not meant to be a total overhaul/major improvements page, it simply isn’t the right time for this article to be here. - Brandon Rhea Alliance Starbird (talk) 03:09, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
    • Bluethunder213 seems to have corrected the spelling issues and at least some of the tense issues for you, but the rest my points still stand. The grammar and sentence structure is poor, there are multiple red links, and the character is pretty much a Mary Sue. - Brandon Rhea Alliance Starbird (talk) 03:11, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
  2. —Signed in the name of Darth Wylind by Brandon Rhea, with permission
  3. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 10:44, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Per Brandon Rhea. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 14:21, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
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