|C-3PO the Dragon Slayer|
|Dragon Slayer trilogy|
|Author||C3PO the Dragon Slayer|
|Date of publication||June 8, 2006|
|Sequel||C-3PO the Dragon Slayer II|
C3PO the Dragon Slayer is a short story written by its namesake, C3PO the Dragon Slayer. It is set some time around Betrayal, though it was originally written to take place during the time of the Galactic Civil War. It follows the events that lead up to C3PO's becoming a "Dragon Slayer" and dominating the galaxy.
- C-3PO, Droid, Dragon Slayer, Translator (Protocol droid)
- Han Solo, 70-Year-Old-Former-Scoundrel-Current-Hero-Of-The-Republic-Who-Is-Highly-Affiliated-With-The-Jedi-Order (Male Human)
- Guard, Guard, (Guard)
- Jabba Junior, self-explanatory (Hermaphrodite Hutt)
- Jacen Solo, Sith Lord who lost his mind (Male Human)
- Leia Organa Solo, Jedi Knight (Female Human)
- Lotsa Ewoks, teddy bear warriors, (Various Ewoks)
- Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master (Male Human)
- Lumiya, freak, lunatic, utter idiot (Female Cyborg)
- Mara Jade Skywalker, Jedi Master (Female Human)
- R2-D2, astromech droid (Astromech Droid)
- Sxqeijii, one-armed bad guy (something)
- Ugly-Face, criminal (something else)
- Unknown Cloaked Figure, guy who turns people into Dragon Slayers (unknown)
I read this, and it's hilarious.
—C3PO the Dragon Slayer's English teacher
I can't [make fun of it] it's too funny!
Wow! THIS IS FUNNY!!!
This is really funny. I just love joke articles.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
LUKE SKYWALKER and Mara Jade Skywalker piloted the Jade Shadow towards the planet Tatooine. The desert sphere loomed ahead of them, engulfing the entirety of the cockpit's viewport. R2-D2, the domed blue astromech droid, gave a small whistle as he assisted with the navigations. C3PO, in the storage room, was recharging his circuits in standby mode.
Luke activated the transmitter and signaled the Millennium Falcon. "Why are we here anyway?" he asked Han Solo, a companion of his since the Galactic Civil War, over the comlink.
"I forget," the former scoundrel replied.
"Well, we need to have a reason for our presence here," Luke said.
"Hey, the beaches here are nice this time of year," Leia offered from the Falcon.
"That works!" said Han.
The two ships, though somewhat obsolete, had undergone constant modifications since their construction, so they each were the top of technology, and each had pilots who had a permanent relationship with their vehicles. The two ships approached the surface, streaking through the planet's atmosphere. Slowly they decelerated, and appeared in the skies over a city that could be considered desolate and small from a SISSY CITY BOY from the Core Worlds, though this city was among the highest populated and busiest in the system. A wise old man Luke once knew said that "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
The Millennium Falcon pulled into Docking Bay 94 and the Jade Shadow landed in Docking Bay 1138, so the two were right next to each other. Luke and Han exited the cockpits, but Leia and Mara stayed behind to IM each other via their Holonet connections on board the ships. Threepio finished charging, and Artoo followed loyally. "Bleep bleep bleep debeep beep!" Artoo complained.
Threepio translated. "Artoo says he is rather hungry."
Luke turned around. "Since when do droids crave food?"
Artoo bleeped and twittered his response. "Since the Shadow said it had a delicious taco last night." Mara flushed with embarrassment.
"Oh, you've finished IM-ing each other now?" said Han sarcastically, noticing that Mara had apparently finished IM-ing her sister-in-law now.
"The Shadow did not 'eat' any taco!" Luke protested in exasperation. "I threw it away because Ben said he wasn't hungry. It is still in the ship's waste compartments."
Meanwhile, Han and Mara continued their branch of conversation. "I wasn't Instant Messaging Leia..." said Mara.
C3PO commented on Luke's statement about Ben. "He is a teenager now, you know. You should check on him if he is not eating like a Gammorean."
Luke hesitated. "You seem to know about the subject..."
"I am programmed to understand Humans!" Threepio said with pride.
A clunk from the Falcon interrupted both chats. Leia finally descended from the boarding ramp with an expression of tempered anger and smugness. The looks of curiosity from her husband and brother inspired her to tell the story of the clunk and the unique expression. "Killed the bathroom scale." Leia said. Not wanting to comment on this declaration, the three remained silent as to not provoke Leia about her increasing sensitivity about her weight. Mara finally broke the prolonged silence. "Anyway, we should get something to eat. It is the local time for midday meal, and we should get used to the space-lag.” Agreeing on the proposition, the four set off to find a place that offered refreshment.
Mara found a nearby cantina that seemed very familiar to Han Solo, and slightly familiar to Luke Skywalker. Though it was not exactly the same as any cantina they had visited. (Though all the buildings seemed to be the same in Mos Eisley.) Musicians played a lively tune in the background, and Humans and aliens of all races gathered in the various booths and chairs and stools and other objects that could fit an organic life form comfortably. This was one of the few places in town with a paint job on the building, and banners with flowing ribbons decorated the room for the upcoming Boonta Eve. Everybody requested their meal.
"Jawa juice!" said Leia. "Juma juice!" said Mara. "A plain triple octuple burger without a bun, without cheese, and without meat or vegetables of any kind!" said Han.
Luke contemplated what Han ordered. "That's a paper wrapper."
"Oh, and add a Seventy-Year-Old-Former-Smuggler-Current-Hero-Of-The-Galaxy-Who-Is-Highly-Affiliated-With-The-Jedi-Order Deluxe Meal Special," said Han.
"Bleep Bloop!" said Artoo. "Artoo and I will share a taco," said Threepio.
Luke walked up to the counter and stood in line. Advancing slowly, as the crowd gathered for the upcoming holiday, Luke started becoming impatient with the miniscule progress. Only the Force saved him, and his Jedi calming techniques transferred him to a place of serenity and utter naive-ness.
A one-armed blue alien with tusk like deformations where a mouth should be whose species Luke did not want to know how to pronounce roared at Luke. Waking from his reverie, Luke looked up slowly. "He doesn't like you," said its companion, who appeared Human except for a few facial features, and Luke couldn't tell if he was alien or just got into a chemistry lab accident. "Whatever you say," said Luke.
"I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER!" screamed the Humanlike Ugly-Face guy.
"I'm sorry," Luke replied coolly.
"You should watch yourself. We're wanted men! I have the death sentence in twenty-four systems!"
Luke froze. "Hey, I know you! You doubled trouble?"
"Fire burn and cauldron bubble!" exclaimed Ugly-Face. The blue alien growled something.
"You're right, Sqxiejii, this isn't in the script. Anyway..." Ugly-Face cleared his throat. "You'll be dead!"
"I'm not worth the trouble, now, aren't I?" said Luke.
"REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111(these are intentional)111" screamed Ugly-Face as Sqxiejii roared with rage. Together, one with both arms, and the other, who only had one remaining arm to use, with only one, they pushed Luke out of the line. Luke knew this was coming, but he did not want to have these idiots get in the trouble they were in last time they encountered. Suddenly, a lightsaber blade ignited and swung. Sqxiejii's other arm fell to the floor; a reddish bloodlike liquid seething from the dismembered other hand. Luke stood up, and became utterly paralyzed by shock. The lightsaber blade was certainly familiar, but it belonged neither to himself, to Leia, or to Mara.
It belonged to Jacen Solo, Han Solo's first son.
"Hi, I turned to the dark side," said Jacen.
A sudden booming voice interrupted this family reunion of sorts. "Hey, you two," said a surly Hutt from behind the counter, indicating C-3PO and R2-D2. "We don't serve your kind here; you'll have to wait outside. We don't like you here." Leia turned from her conversation with Mara and told the droids to go out, just to avoid further trouble. Looking at the one who issued the command, the Hutt roared with rage. "Leia Organa!" it boomed.
"Yes?" said Leia coolly, though her Jedi instincts suggested danger.
"My name is Jabba Junior. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
"I thought you Hutts reproduced asexually," said Han.
"Er..." The Hutt would have blushed if it was not a gigantic slug with a face and arms. "Okay, you killed my father/mother! Prepare to die!"
The Hutt exhibited an ability to tap into the Force by leaping up high, performing acrobatics and twists, which looked very odd for a Hutt. Then he smashed into the ceiling. "Ow," he?she?it? muttered, grabbing onto a table to become upright once more. The Hutt then activated a lightsaber of yellow-orange, and lunged at the wife of Han. The two clashed their lightsabers multiple times, and Leia was knocked off her feet when Jabba Junior whirled around, performing maneuvers much faster than a Hutt ought, and rammed Leia with its tail. Mara joined in the battle by activating her blue lightsaber, and charging at Leia's new enemy. Mara was knocked off her course by a Force-push of Jabba Junior's. The grotesque alien then hefted his?her?its? lightsaber at a staggering Leia. Mara intervened desperately. The battle ensued, the Hutt showing clear advantage.
"So, where were we?" asked Luke, turning back to Jacen.
"I turned to the dark side," repeated Jacen.
"Oh. That's a shame. I was hoping you wouldn't betray the Jedi Order."
"I came here to ask directions. I need to help my mistress take over the galaxy," said Darth Jacen.
"So how did you convert?" Luke surmised aloud.
"Lumiya said 'turn to the dark side,' and so I said, 'ok.'
"Nice story. So where do you need to be directed?" asked Luke.
"I need to find Coruscant," Darth Jacen replied.
"I thought you would know where that is; that was the place of your birth and childhood!" mused the Jedi Master.
"Yeah, well, when I turned to the dark side, I got kinda stupid for choosing evil over good."
"Okey-Dokey. I said once that if there was a center of the universe, this is the place it is farthest from. So go as far away as you can, and you'll get to Coruscant."
"Thanks!" said Darth Jacen. "Then I'll go right out of the galaxy."
Another Sith taken care of, mused Luke.
"Hey, wait. We forgot the ultimate lightsaber duel!" exclaimed Jacen, turning around. "Should we start?"
"Sure, but at a later time. I'm eating lunch."
"Okay." Jacen left.
The furious lightsaber duel between two agile women and one extremely agile Hutt progressed little during Luke's conversation with his nephew, so he walked over calmly to join the ensuing battle. Then Jabba Junior the Hutt swung his tail once more in a 360 to attempt to knock his opponents down, and hit Luke in the head. He faded into darkness...
Han Solo surreptitiously unsheathed a blaster and aimed carefully the enormous blob known as Jabba Junior. Discreetly pulling the trigger, a red bolt fired outwards and struck the Hutt's head. He?she?it? dropped into lifelessness.
Dawn of the Dragon Slayer
Meanwhile, outside, people flooded out to avoid the combat that previously erupted. R2-D2 and C-3PO watched from a corner in the alleyway, observing the shouts and screams. "What do you suppose is happening?" said Threepio nervously. Artoo twittered a response and conjured a Holoprojector, creating a virtual map of the town. "A large organism, on the outskirts! It's a krayt dragon!" Threepio exclaimed. "We're doomed!"
"Hey, man," a hoarse and barely audible voice said from behind them. "If you wanna kill that dude, you gotta be a Dragon Slayer."
"What are you talking about? I'm no 'Dragon Slayer'!" retorted Threepio.
"You don't know your potential, dude," said the voice. The droids turned around to find a cloaked figure with no organic feature exposed to the harsh desert environment.
"I'll give ya somethin' to do: those guys 'r' running away 'cause there was a duel. The Hutt lost, and I need you to get me his lightsaber," said the cloaked figure calmly.
"I do not take orders from strangers, and Master Luke told me to stay outside."
"You'll go, dude," replied the figure, pulling out a remote control...
Some time later...
The lightsaber changed everything. Threepio knew now there was nothing to fear from his foe, and the approaching krayt dragon could not cause him harm. Threepio held the lightsaber, and it produced a beam, shining golden more so than Tattooine's yellow sands. The golden droid now had a thirty-first function, which was now his destiny and passion. Threepio was a hero of the dragons. And the krayt dragon entering town, scaring the populace, was about to meet his wrath.
C-3PO shouted at the Tattooinian creature. "Fear me, for it is I, C-3PO the Dragon Slayer!" The creature roared menacingly. C-3PO activated the now golden blade and held his weapon in a defensive stance. The krayt dragon approached and meant to claw at the droid. Threepio swung the blade furiously at the malevolent leg, and a large gash formed. Threepio had the ultimate advantage, and was not hesitant to kill the monster with a final blow. The fatal stab killed the dragon and it fell to the ground.
Threepio was no longer a protocol droid whose best brag was that he was fluent in over six million forms of communication. Threepio was a knight, a defender of those who were oppressed by the dragons, a token to the galaxy, and a slayer of dragons...
Six years later, Threepio was a hero known to all who had a Holonet transceiver as a hero greater than any Jedi. He single-handedly triumphed over all types of creatures bearing the name "dragon" and saved many a good fellow in doing so. His greatest feat was an end to the Second Galactic Civil War by destroying the Corellia-allied fleet of Hapan Battle Dragons, starships that provided a key implement in Hapan technology. Though they were mechanical capital ships, they still bore the title of "Dragon," and so they were not immune to Threepio's wrath. One day as Threepio was enjoying a book about Dinosaurs becoming extinct, he received a message. "Come in," said C-3PO to the Holonet transceiver.
An important-looking face appeared in the display. "Might I offer you a proposal?"
"Shoot," said C-3PO the Dragon Slayer, suspecting that it was one of those annoying telemarketers.
"You have been nominated to be the next Emperor of the galaxy," said the face in the display.
Threepio looked up. How could a protocol droid, regardless of whether he slew countless dragons or not, be nominated to rule the known universe?
"That's right, O Dragon Slayer. The highest position in the galaxy could be yours." Threepio beamed (?) at this.
"I like the idea. Should I go to Coruscant now to accept my nomination?" said Threepio eagerly.
Threepio called upon the Wings of the Dragon to take him to the galactic capital, the ecumenopolis of the Core. He arrived at the Senate Hall, dodging the cloud of airspeeders in commute. "Where doth my reception await me?" he asked a guard gracefully.
"Who are you?" asked the guard.
"I am C-3PO the Dragon Slayer: Human/cyborg relations and dragon slayer. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication and I slay dragons," the golden protocol droid replied.
"Oh. We're expecting you. This way," the guard indicated.
Threepio stepped into the Senate Hall. Floaters wallpapered the room from top to bottom, and an overall blue-silver hue decorated the Congress chamber. The vast hall had a galactic history of many thousands of years, this room playing great importance for the Republic, the New Republic, and now the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. (GFFA also stands for Galaxy Far, Far Away.) "Thank you for coming," an ominous voice from behind rasped as each door to the enormous Senate Hall shut and locked. "Now I can finally get rid of you. Since your dragon-slaying obsession, you have been a greater harm to the Sith than Luke Skywalker! Now I can dispose of you and continue my plans for Galactic Domination. "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Lumiya," said Threepio harshly, "we meet again."
"I do not recall anytime we have met previously, but that does not matter to me. As Dark Lady of the Sith, I shall destroy you eternally! I shall conjure from the Force a powerful storm to wipe you off the planet! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" The evil Sith Lady made dramatic gestures and sped up the indoor breeze. Electrical discharge struck overhead and fog appeared in the hall. Chaos erupted everywhere as the saucer-shaped floaters lifted from their platforms and rotated in a threatening stance. "And now, young Threepio, you will die," said the Sith. Suddenly she shot a dose of Force-lightning at the droid, a feat which should have been impossible considering her injuries from previous battles.
Threepio acted boldly. "Your Force powers do not frighten me, Darthess! I call upon the power of the Thunder Dragon to counter your mighty creation!" Threepio activated his lightsaber, glowing golden, and intercepted the electric bolts. The faint outline of a dragon appeared behind the protocol droid and emitted a vicious wave from its horns, driving the indoor storm back partially. The two great forces struggled against each other at the ceiling. Threepio held his lightsaber in a firm position as to deflect the deadly energy pulsating from Lumiya's fingers. Lumiya halted the attack and withdrew her lightsaber. Thunder roared from above as the Force Storm and the Thunder Dragon clashed. "It is obvious this contest cannot be decided by our powers in the Force," she claimed, "but by our skills with a lightsaber."
This keeps on getting weirder, thought C-3PO. Holding his lightsaber in a stance offering a lunge, Threepio leapt into battle, the power of the Wings of the Dragon guiding him to defy gravity for a short while. The protocol droid landed on Lumiya's floater, and their lightsabers clashed vigorously. A few more rounds of attempted blows and succeeded blocks and Lumiya grinned unnaturally. Several other floaters, each weighing half a metric ton, shot toward the golden robot. Threepio jumped by the power of his Dragons to avoid some, and slashed at others with his lightsaber. Harnessing the power of Dragon Claws, Threepio pushed one at Lumiya, which she dodged hastily. They both landed on two hovering saucers. "You cannot escape from me!" shouted Lumiya angrily. She threw her red blade in Threepio's direction, knocking him off his feet. Lumiya, being the merciless and twisted lady she was, blasted C-3PO with a heavy amount of Force-lightning. C-3PO desperately blocked the blue flares with his lightsaber, as the Force Storm overhead finally engulfed the Thunder Dragon Threepio summoned. Then the Force lightning became so overwhelming Threepio's lightsaber, golden and heroic, was knocked out of the droid's stiff hand, leaving him unarmed.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Lumiya. She Force-leapt over to C-3PO's floater and held her lightsaber up to Threepio's neck. "I have infinite advantage over you, you pathetic wanna-be!" Lumiya exclaimed.
"I have something you shall never have, a power you cannot begin to achieve," declared Threepio.
"You are bluffing. I should dispose of you now!"
"Wrong! I have this power, which no organic being has gained. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication!" said Threepio triumphantly. "Agagua bash, tatriti bash!"
Ewoks, looking like primitive teddy-bear warriors, appeared from many of the Senate Hall's floaters, and aimed their bows. Arrow after arrow fired down upon the helpless Sith Lady, and she fell into the seemingly endless bottom of the gigantic chamber. The Force Storm settled.
The Rest of his Life (Which is forever because he is a droid)
"Three cheers for the Great C-3PO the Dragon Slayer! He ended the war, and now he destroyed the Sith!" screamed Threepio's trillions of fans over the Holonet and in many personal conversations. The vote to elect Threepio as new dictator-for-life was unanimous. Threepio became Emperor of the galaxy, and no force challenged his throne. For the rest of eternity, Threepio, who once was a coward, ruled the galaxy, and because of the abilities he always had, which no exotic lightsaber with the power of dragons could give or replace.