CS:Zeri Undis

This is the review page for the ongoing featured article nomination of Zeri Undis.

Objections

 * 1) Here's what I could find:
 * 2) *Introduction:
 * 3) *"...which the girl did after killing..." Just "She" would sound better, personal preference.
 * 4) *"...Zeri turned away from Coruscant..." Literally or figuratively? This should be clarified.
 * 5) *"The Redd family defended her, however, as she escaped..." 'As' to 'and'.
 * 6) *Early Life:
 * 7) *"...and began to develop a mother-daughter relationship..." Should be "...and the two began to develop..."
 * 8) *"...including the destruction of some by the native dianoga creature..." The destruction of some droids? This should be clarified or reworded. It could be worded as: "...and most of their droid forces were defeated by natural means; some were destroyed by the native dianoga creature."
 * 9) *More in a moment. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 14:04, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) *Order 66:
 * 11) *...from Supreme Chancellor of the Republic Palpatine..." Comma after Republic.
 * 12) *...and therefore sent CC-1402, nicknamed "Nicra," after her." Her should be changed to Zeri, as she isn't mentioned in the previous sentences.
 * 13) *Zeri was able to escape the caverns before Deej made it to the dead bodies of Nicra and his squadron, though..." Maybe add 'Regardless' to the beginning of the sentence and take out 'though' at the end; sounds too stretched out.
 * 14) *Fugitive:
 * 15) *In the quote: "What happens happened because it was supposed to." Should this be "What happened happened"?
 * 16) *Zeri assumed she was under attacked ".
 * 17) *"...a fact that frustrated the Sullustan..." You already referred to him as the Sullustan once in the same sentence, so it's somewhat redundant; either refer to his name in the beginning of the sentence, or refer to it here.

Comments

 * Hot off the press. Enjoy! –Victor  Sienar.svg (talk page ) 08:53, 14 June 2009 (UTC)