Star Wars Fanon:Featured articles/Nominations

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Approve

 * 1)  Darth Wylind ( Talk ) 17:10, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) I really enjoyed this article, love how Palpatine was turned into Hitler, perfect match in my opinion.-- Nightmare  975  00:32, 9 February 2009 (UTC) Retracting my vote until Brandon's objections are fixed.-- Nightmare  975  02:11, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the Hitleresque Desk of Unit 8311:
 * 2) *'and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen'...to 'what was considered to be one of the most powerful'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I consider the art scuplture thing to be somewhat eyebrow-raising, as I can only imagine someone with extreme emotional problems running away from home because they messed up an art piece. However, I'll let it pass.
 * 2) *'Cos had average aim'...add 'compared to the other soldiers', just to be safe
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'ministers took in turning the Republic into a reich of sorts.'...I'm not sure if reich is a good word, as I doubt the German language exists in SW. 'fascist dictatorship' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos ruled the galaxy ruthlessly'...to 'was considered a ruthless leader'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Another three years passed, when Imperial intelligence informed Cos that the Rebellion had relocated to a planet in the Outer Rim.'...change 'when' to 'then'. Looks better gramatically.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Though, Jerjerrod was no Tarkin, and the station was not being completed on schedule'...'Jerjerrod was not considered as effecient as Tarkin' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'However, Cos' plan failed' add an extra 's' after Cos'
 * 2) *'Darth Vader was growing angry with Cos's poor military leadership of the Galactic Civil War'...'with what he considered to be Cos's poor military leadership'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos's cruelty and evil was known by nearly all after his death', whoah, big POV here. Rewrite this sentence.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Talents' section has some POV that you should easily spot and change. I can highlight it all for you if that's not the case, though.
 * Please highlight them.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the end, though I'm not fond of rewritten canon characters, I can see this article being an FA. The above stuff I listed shouldn't be too difficult to sort. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:20, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2)  From the politically re-imagined Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea
 * 3) * I first want to mention that I made these objections nearly two months ago before the first nomination was rejected. They should have been taken care of before you nominated this again. But because they were not, here they are again.
 * 4) * Throughout the article, you repeat “Cos” over and over when saying things that Cos has done. I would suggest you find other words than “Cos” to say this, because although this is meant to be encyclopedic prose it could still read a little better in this regard.
 * 5) * On the topic of prose, I’ve removed a lot of the colorful prose that is best saved for a narrative piece rather than an encyclopedic article. I’ve also removed all instances of POV that I found when reading.
 * 6) * I’m not quite sure what I think about the surrender of the Mandalorians. Mandalorians will typically fight until the last man or until it’s clear that they absolutely cannot win. I don’t see how the loss of their capital world would do that based on the information you’ve given. It just doesn’t seem very honorable. I know this is an alternate take on the Star Wars film era, but you haven’t established that the Mandalorians in your fanon are any different than those in canon.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * I have a hard time believing that everyone in the court would just rally around Cos’s speech, including the judges. There’s always people who will disagree. However, I was glad that even with this he was still sentenced to prison.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * On the note of prison, nine months is a bit too early for parole on a five year sentence, don’t you think? It’s generally longer than that, I believe, especially if the crime is treason and conspiracy.
 * The six judges gave him a parole of nine months, believing in his ideals. They were the first of many government officials for Cos to sway into his cloud of lies.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * I have a big problem with the part where he becomes Senator of Corell, and it’s mostly due to a startling lack of detail. First, why was he given parole? As for the election, why did the people vote in favor of him? How did he run his campaign? What was the competition like in the primaries? Who was his opponent? What was he/she like to run against? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? As for his inauguration, the Governor didn’t do anything to try to prevent Cos from being elected and then inaugurated? The Governor didn’t make a public spectacle about how Cos shouldn’t be inaugurated? I don’t know about you, but I’d have a hard time inaugurating someone who tried to kill me.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * In the first paragraph of the Clone Wars section alone, there is a total lack of context and detail in terms of major events. What was the Mandalorian threat? What type of intelligence did they receive to suggest that the Mandalorians were a threat to them again? Why did Cos vote to go to war? What evidence did he have to suggest that there should be a war against the Mandalorians? What type of measures did the Senate take to build up an army? Where did this clone army come from? Finally, after answering all of this, why did the Senate finally agree to declare war?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * Once again, there is a total lack of detail in terms of the election, this time for Supreme Chancellor. First, who was the sitting Supreme Chancellor? How did he run his campaign? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? What was the focus of his two opponents? There needs to be a lot more detail here.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * You say that Cos pleaded for “more” emergency powers? When did he receive emergency powers in the first place? Remember, emergency powers are not inherent in the position of a government executive like this, so you need to address how he first got them.
 * Sorry, that was a typo. Fixed.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * After spending so much time stating how Cos was always so big on ensuring the best things possible for the Republic, I’m concerned with the lack of detail on why he would prolong the war and why he wanted more emergency powers.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * You ended one sentence saying that many more Republic worlds were captured, but began the next one by saying that it appeared the Republic would win without explaining the turn of events. I don’t see how you can jump a year and a half between two sentences. Surely important things must have happened then?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * Get rid of the "Styles of Address" section. It's totally irrelevant.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 23:02, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * More will come later. As it stands, while I’m intrigued by the storyline, this is nowhere near Featured article quality. There are too many points of detail lacking throughout the article, as evident above, and I just don’t think it’s very well written. The prose is very shaky and unengaging. It’s hard to explain, but I think you need to steer clear of some of the parts that are more suited for a narrative and just make the prose a bit more compelling. I mentioned the thing above about how you should find another way to refer to Cos than just “Cos”, but also the sentence structure and grammar also needs a lot of improvement. This may need a total rewrite, though I haven’t finished it yet so it may not need a total one. We’ll see how the rest is once you get to these. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:27, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) As requested below.
 * 3) *Infobox No need to state his political party in the infobox, although this is purely choice, so do as you wish on that.
 * 4) *Introduction
 * 5) **"was the last Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic" You don't link to the Galactic Republic here, although you do to the Galactic Empire right after. For flow, please link to both.
 * 6) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) **"with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve" Commas around 'such as Governor Tarkin' and who is he? Context, link perhaps.
 * 8) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) **" The unaware senators did not realize they just gave Palpatine not only emergency powers, but they gave up their democracy." Very flowerly and unnecessary, could be worded much better without the bad grammar, POV and in past tense, not present tense.
 * 10) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **"a form of government not seen since the time of Judah Zaren," Who? Context.
 * 12) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) **You constantly go back and forth between referring to him as 'Cos' or 'Palpatine'; stick with one or the other please, suggestively Palpatine.
 * 14) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) **"founded the Alliance of Free Planets" Link perhaps? A tiny bit of context.
 * 16) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) **"The Galactic Civil War would last for many years" Link perhaps, and this is why you need context on the above opposition. This just comes out of nowhere.
 * 18) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) **"on Terra when defeat was inevitable." No link to Terra, and that last bit is POV. Put that he believed it was inevitable or something.
 * 20) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) **You end the intro with "However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire." Okay, so what's the point of that? Go further, perhaps into why not, how long it lasted, his legacy. Doesn't have to be long or anything, but that feels very awkward, unfinished. Give me some closure, man.
 * 22) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) *I will review more section-by-section later, but some things right off the bat: Image:Threatofskywalker.jpg needs proper formatting and linking to its source; "Legacy" header needs to be level 3 (part of biography), not level 2; Talents needs to be renamed to 'Talents and abilities', or, if he was a Force-user (which I don't believe so) it instead needs to be 'Powers and abilities'; No links to any of his appearances?; Lastly, fix up and cut down on the categories. Not necessary to have twenty categories. Remove the doubled up ones, which means those that all lead back to the same category. For example, you have "Imperial officers", "Imperial individuals", and "Imperials". Only one you need of those three is the first. Then, if you like alphabetize them, but please clean them up. More review once these objections are taken care of. If the article is anything like the intro, I suspect lots of missing context, links, and lots of POV. :\ --Victortalk 07:45, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 24) **Vic, if you read the MOS, Legacy is a Level 2 header, not a Level 3 header. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 13:11, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) ***Ah, well that should be amended methinks. It actually belongs in the biography. --Victortalk 05:29, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) ****I personally don't think it needs to be, but who says it needs to be amended? - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 05:44, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 27) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 28) *Introduction
 * 29) **Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin [...] Awkward wording. Should be Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with ministers such as Governor Tarkin [...]
 * 30) **Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve more emergency powers usually reserved for the Senate to better execute a campaign against the Mandalorian Clans during the Clone Wars. Run-on.
 * 31) **Palpatine based his desires for emergency powers on the principles of not abusing them and relinquishing them at the end of the war back to the Senate. Awkward. He desired them because he promised not to abuse them? He desired them because he was giving them back at the end of the war?
 * 32) **[...] and relinquishing them at the end of the war back to the Senate. Awkward. The war was behind the Senate?
 * 33) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people [...] Awkward. The use of 'its people' is awkward and somewhat vague. Something utilizing the word 'citizens' would do better.
 * 34) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people, and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen. Fragment. The use of ", and" roughly equals a period. As such, that makes "Was able to create one of the most powerful military forces [...]" to be a sentence, which it is not.
 * 35) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people, and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen. Coherence. What does the clause at the beginning to do with the phrase at the end?
 * 36) **For thirty five years, Palpatine's rule would go relatively unopposed [...] Logic. Not really a real 'oppose,' but that makes no sense. No new government goes unopposed. In fact, no old government goes unopposed.
 * 37) **For thirty five years, Palpatine's rule would go relatively unopposed, until disgruntled former senators founded the Alliance of Free Planets [...] Comma splice. Remove the comma between "unopposed" and "until."
 * 38) **[...] an organization that was the base for a rebellion against the Empire. Wording. Odd use of the word "base."
 * 39) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years [...] Reference. What the GCW is and how it pertains to the previous sentence is not explained.
 * 40) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years, but in 4 ABY, he killed himself during a Rebel assault on Terra [...] Pronoun reference. "He" who? The Godfather?
 * 41) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years, but in 4 ABY, he killed himself during a Rebel assault [...] Reference. Who are the Rebels? The Southern States?
 * 42) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Wording. Said as if the mysterious "he" died to end the Empire.
 * 43) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Wording. Though not exactly wrong, it is more proper to place the lone phrase "however" in the midst of a sentence instead of the beginning.
 * 44) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Redundancy. The phrase "the Empire" is used over and over. Refer to "the Empire" in more than just one way. After all, it's official name is the Galactic Empire.
 * 45) **Darth Vader gained control [...] Reference. Who's Darth Vader? A puppy?
 * 46) **[...] and had the remaining Imperials regroup [...] Reference. What's an Imperial? A system of weights and measures?
 * 47) ***That's the intro. How wonderful. As well, as I have said before, the article, covering the subject matter that it does, is short and rather...boring. I believe it is because so many villains are based off Hitler. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:31, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) Not up to par yet. Per above. --  Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:26, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) From the democratic-turned-imperial Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 50) *General:
 * 51) ** The sourcing on Image:133946 palpatine l.jpg is incorrect. It is not from cut content in Episode III. That’s a screencapture from Episode II, from a scene that was included in the final cut. Please correct this, as it’s currently violating US Copyright Law.
 * 52) ** Although this is purely personal preference, I’d suggest a new color for that infobox. It’s just...ugh. Not a very good color for a dictator.
 * 53) * Introduction:
 * 54) ** “Commonly” is, kind of, borderline POV. I’d suggest changing it to “also known as”.
 * 55) ** You say “more emergency” powers as if he already has them, but you don’t mention these anywhere before it.
 * 56) ** What’s more, you don’t mention ANYTHING about his pre-Chancellorship in the introduction. Surely you can manage a sentence or two on his military and pre-Chancellor political career.
 * 57) ** Were the Mandalorian Clans the main enemy of the Clone Wars? What were the Clone Wars? Explain this without making it a run on sentence.
 * 58) ** What defines the peak of power? That part of the sentence is unclear.
 * 59) ** You should state that the Galactic Empire was a dictatorship or something. You can have Empires that aren’t that bad, so by not giving context then, for all I know, the Empire was all rainbows and sunshine.
 * 60) ** “With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people” - that’s written as if the first part is supposed to explain the second part, but it doesn’t. Reword for clarity.
 * 61) ** “the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen” - POV, in my opinion. You never know what’s lurking in the Unknown Regions, and as the author of the article you can’t state something like that as fact.
 * 62) ** “that was the base for” - awkward wording. I suggest changing “base” to “basis”.
 * 63) ** What’s Terra?
 * 64) ** Who’s Darth Vader?
 * 65) ** Where did Vader have the Empire regroup? I ask because regroup could mean a lot of things.
 * 66) ** Link to: Supreme Chancellor, Governor, Galactic Senate, Mandalorians and Clone Wars.
 * 67) *Early life:
 * 68) ** Link to Corell.
 * 69) ** Known as the jewel of the galaxy by whom? State that to give it some context.
 * 70) ** “was raised as any city boy on Corell, in wealth and luxury” - utter POV. The idea that everyone on a planet is wealthy is preposterous. Just say that he was raised in wealth and luxury.
 * 71) ** “large family” - POV. For example, that lady who just had octoplets says that 16 kids is fine, but I think she’s batsh!t insane. Ergo, POV.
 * 72) ** Link to Galactic Republic.
 * 73) ** “the Palpatines were good friends with the Valorums, whom a member of the family, Jacob Valorum, was Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic” - that goes well beyond awkward wording. Also, link to Supreme Chancellor.
 * 74) ** You don’t really explain why knowing the Valorums interested Palpatine in politics.
 * 75) **Sculptor, eh? Hmm, a future dictator who wanted to be an artist. Sounds familiar.
 * 76) **“did very well with his sculpting assignments” - POV
 * 77) **“became so talented, in their opinions” - not POV, but the “so talented” part might as well be. Reword it to something like “In the opinion of his professors, he became talented enough that they entered him...”.
 * 78) **Link to Coruscant and give context on what it is.
 * 79) **“During the contest, they” - who’s they? Palpatine? His professor? The hockey mom?
 * 80) **Link to Duros and give context on what it is.
 * 81) **Woah woah woah, hold up now. You’re telling me that someone who was born and raised in proper and posh luxury is going to regress into a whiny bitch, run out like a four year old girl and then give up his fortune to live on the streets for four years? That’s incredibly forced, and it seems that he’s only doing that because the author wants him to. That doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 * 82) **How did he get to Terra, and what IS Terra? He lived on Corell, and he was on Coruscant, yet he goes and lives on the streets of Terra? That seems to imply that he boarded a ship headed for Terra just to be poor there. If he’s going to be poor, why not just be poor on Coruscant? Again, that seems incredibly forced.
 * 83) **Link to Humans.
 * 84) **Link to the Jedi and give context on who they are.
 * 85) **Link to Republic Army. There is an article on Wookieepedia about it.
 * 86) **Context on who the Mandalorian Clans are.
 * 87) **Private Palpatine? This is the first mention of his rank. Instead of saying “Palpatine joined the Republic Army”, say “Palpatine enlisted as a private in the Republic Army”, then get rid of the “Enlisted as a recruit part”.
 * 88) **Link to Dagobah and state that it’s a world of swamps (that way a mentioning of the swamp world that you have later will make sense).
 * 89) **“hold the planet from the Mandalorians” - awkward wording.
 * 90) ** In the image caption, you don’t need to state his full name. Just say “Private Palpatine”.
 * 91) **Brief bit of context on trench warfare would be helpful.
 * 92) **Average aim is POV.
 * 93) **“When Mandalorians would reach the trenches, Palpatine would bayonet the crossing Mandalorians with the bayonet attached to his blaster rifle.” - awkward wording, and rather pointless if you ask me.
 * 94) **“Palpatine and his comrades” - prosey.
 * 95) **I find it very unlikely that the Republic would keep soldiers on the defense on a swamp world for two whole years. Furthermore, I find it even more unlikely that the Mandalorians would try to capture such a useless planet for two years. Once again, this seems like it’s happening just because the author wants it to as opposed to it actually making sense. Two months is one thing; two years is ridiculous.
 * 96) **I’m pretty sure that if they hardly had any baths, the creatures and insects of Daghobah would eat them alive. Take it from me: I’ve been out in the woods on hikes where you don’t shower for over a week. Bugs try to kill you then. Now take that and multiply it by 104. I’m seeing some chewed up corpses. How about you?
 * 97) **Why did Palpatine believe Valorum neglected the troops? A simple addition of “due to the conditions on the ground” at the end of the sentence would suffice.
 * 98) **“The Mandalorians then launched” - poor wording. Change it to something like “Eventually, the Mandalorians launched”.
 * 99) **Massive is POV.
 * 100) **“until their mounted turrets and their rifle ammunition” - remove the second “their”. The first one applies to both the turrets and the ammunition.
 * 101) **“Very” low is POV.
 * 102) **“they were more concerned” - who was more concerned?
 * 103) **“and had an ammunition crisis of their own”. This makes the sentence a borderline run-on. You should make this its own sentence by saying “The fleet also had an ammunition crisis of its own”.
 * 104) **Ordering all ground forces to return to capital ships is risky since the Mandalorians would likely attack those ships as they were ascending into orbit. You should mention something about the Republic ships forming a defense perimeter.
 * 105) **Do you honestly expect us to believe that the same person who ran away from a SCULPTING contest like a twelve year old girl is going to keep shooting and bayoneting Mandalorians until his men grabbed him and dragged him to a shuttle? Once again, you’re FORCING the character to do something simply because you want him to. There’s no reason as to why it’s happening other than that’s what you want to have happen. And please stop using the word comrade.
 * 106) *Ambitions for power:
 * 107) **Bravery is POV. If you ask me, I’d say his actions at the end of the battle were more psychotic than brave.
 * 108) **Give context on who Mandalore the Magnificent is. Also, that doesn’t seem like much of a Mandalore name to me. It makes me compare it to Mandalore the Fabulous.
 * 109) **“The death of Mandalore the Magnificent had been slain in combat”. If you take out Mandalore, that says “the death had been slain in combat”. Might want to reword that.
 * 110) **“end this war” - would send better as “end the war”, but meh.
 * 111) **The sentence beginning with “The death of Mandalore” and ending with “to the Republic” is a bit of a run-on.
 * 112) **“This questioned many authorities” - I think you mean “confused”.
 * 113) **Although armistice is an appropriate term, you should use plain language. Not everyone knows what that word means. Articles should be simple to read.
 * 114) **Put a comma after “Palpatine was angered”.
 * 115) **You have Palpatine return home to Corell, yet you avoid any mentioning of a reunion with his family. He didn’t see them for six years and he doesn’t go and at least say hello?
 * 116) **You talk about the reemergence of the Republican Workers Party as if we should know what that is. Give context to it and state why it would have to reemerge (as in, did it once exist and then take a vacation to Bermuda, etc.?)
 * 117) **How does one simply “place” themselves as the leader of a party?
 * 118) **The sentence starting with “With his supporters” is poorly worded. Change it to “Palpatine had his supporters armed, and they marched to the home of the Governor of Corell intending to overthrow the Corellian government”.
 * 119) **Change “whom had” to “who had”.
 * 120) **Change “fired back and were wounded” to “fired back and were also wounded”, since you’ve mentioned that Palpatine was wounded.
 * 121) **“Palpatine was placed under arrest brought to the Corellian Court” - you seem to be missing an “and”.
 * 122) **What’s the Corellian Court?
 * 123) **There needs to be a comma after “governor” and before “however”.
 * 124) **“telling them how he attempted” - who is he?
 * 125) **“and kill him” - who is him?
 * 126) **Put a period after “and kill him” (or whatever you change it to) and start a new sentence with “The governor also accused Palpatine of being an anarchist terrorist”.
 * 127) **Unless Corell is different, juries don’t grant parole. Parole boards do. They also need a much better reason than “we agree with you”. Say something about good behavior, etc. It would also be more believable if you had his parole rejected the first time but approved the second time.
 * 128) **“The opponent to Palpatine” - change to “Palpatine’s opponent”.
 * 129) **What’s Organa Major?
 * 130) **Change “Palpatine had his campaign motto be “Workers First”” to “Palpatine chose “Workers First” as his campaign motto”. Also explain why he chose this in half a sentence or so.
 * 131) **Extreme in “extreme poverty” is POV.
 * 132) **“His opponent, Bellatrix Spince” - you’ve already introduced her. Just say “Spince had much of the high...”.
 * 133) **What kind of life goals was he relating to?
 * 134) **“big margin” - POV.
 * 135) **“and he was inaugurated” - say “and he was later inaugurated”.
 * 136) *Clone Wars:
 * 137) **Wait, you talk about Coruscant earlier, but Terra is the capital of the Republic? Hopefully this is all cleared up when you provide context earlier in the article.
 * 138) **What’s the relevance of The Works? Give context on what it is, and then link to it. Secluded is also borderline POV.
 * 139) **Link to Corellian sector.
 * 140) **“there forces” --> “their forces”.
 * 141) **What’s Taris?
 * 142) **The Mandalorians seem to have invaded and annexed Taris with incredible ease. Did no one put up a fight?
 * 143) **Drastic is POV.
 * 144) **“The Senate then went through drastic measures to build up an army, with the help of a clone army which was started nearly nine years ago after the events of the Stark Hyperspace War, when the Republic realized a standing army would be necessary, and that clones would be more efficient in battle.” - obvious run on sentence. Start a new sentence after “Stark Hyperspace War”. Also, what’s the Stark Hyperspace War? Give context and link to it. Why did they realize a standing army would be necessary and that clones would be more efficient? Don’t go into a lot of detail, just give a brief bit of context.
 * 145) **Get rid of the sentence about the armistice. We already know that.
 * 146) **Combine the first and third sentence (I’m counting the armistice as the second, even though it needs to be deleted) to say this: “The Senate first agreed to send a message to Mandalore the Merciful, as the Republic felt that diplomacy could be used to end the conflict before it grew larger”. The part about urging the Mandalorians to leave is also redundant.
 * 147) **“The Mandalorians replied with that” - poor wording. Change it to “The Mandalorians replied by saying that”.
 * 148) **“war on the Mandalorian Clans, which would begin the galactic conflict known as the Clone Wars” - too wordy. Say “war on the Mandalorian Clans, beginning the galaxy-spanning Clone Wars”.
 * 149) **“very pleased”, even in this context, is borderline POV. Change it to “pleased”.
 * 150) **The first two sentences about Palpatine and Tarkin can be combined to say: “Palpatine was approached by the Governor of Eriadu, Wilhuff Vladamir Tarkin, who was convinced that the sixty-five year old Palpatine was needed to lead the Republic during this time of crisis”.
 * 151) **How did Palpatine suddenly get to be sixty five? He was young when he was elected a Senator, and the only transition you have between him first becoming a Senator and the beginning of the Mandalorian threat is “One day”. If it’s years, you need to state how many years passed by or else this age change is going to be insanely confusing.
 * 152) **Why was Tarkin convinced that Palpatine was needed to lead?
 * 153) **The sentence about Palpatine disliking Valorum is very poorly worded. Just say “Palpatine agreed, disliking Valorum because of the latter’s actions on Dagobah years earlier”.
 * 154) **“Palpatine did so” - did what?
 * 155) **Link to Bail Antilles, Alderaan, Ainlee Teem and Malastare.
 * 156) **Just for clarification purposes, change “if his true ideals were” to “if his desire to go to war was”.
 * 157) **You can’t simply assume Palpatine would have been defeated. Change the part about suffering defeat to “he believed he would have been defeated”.
 * 158) **Unless you’ve changed something in your alternative universe here, Supreme Chancellor campaigns don’t go on for a year. It’s really only a few weeks like the British parliamentary system.
 * 159) **The sentence about the speeches is poorly worded. Change it to “Palpatine gave many speeches, which were written by Tarkin, to the Senate in order to rally support for his campaign”.
 * 160) **Change “once the vote came” to “once election day came”.
 * 161) **“very close” is POV. Just say close.
 * 162) **Capitalized Chancellor.
 * 163) **The outgoing Chancellor inaugurates the new one?
 * 164) **For clarification purposes, state what his plan was. Change it to something like “and began putting plans for the war into motion”.
 * 165) **What’s a Sith?
 * 166) **What is this “something that could change the war”? Context.
 * 167) **“to unravel the mystery” - prosey. Just say “to discover the truth about the Sith” or something.
 * 168) **What’s Muunilist? Give context and link to it.
 * 169) **Link to Outer Rim.
 * 170) **Who did Palpatine command? The Army? The Mandalorians? The Outer Rim? Context.
 * 171) **This is the first time you’ve mentioned a “Grand Army of the Republic”. Last time a Republic military force was mentioned by name, it was just the Republic Army. I suggest going back to the paragraph that introduces the clones and say that they were named the Grand Army of the Republic.
 * 172) **“but that they” should be “and that they”
 * 173) **More emergency powers? This is the first time you say anything about emergency powers in the Bio section. When did he get his first emergency powers? What did he say that convinced the Senate? Context, context, context!
 * 174) **Change the sentence about how Palpatine and Tarkin did stuff in secret to say this: “Palpatine and Tarkin, who had recently been appointed as Supreme Commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, secretly met with Palpatine’s other ministers to begin plotting new ways for Palpatine to gain additional emergency powers. Their conclusion was to allow the war to progress longer than they felt it needed to.”
 * 175) **Change the next sentence to say: “The Senate once again voted in favor of Palpatine’s request for more powers, trusting him to relinquish them at the end of the war”. Also give context on WHY they voted for it again.
 * 176) **Your sentence about turning the Republic into a fascist dictatorship doesn’t make sense in this context. Unless you want to write like two paragraphs explaining what it is you mean, I suggest simply removing it and waiting until we get to the rise of the Empire.
 * 177) **You should create articles, even if they’re stubs, for the Battle of Corell and the Battle of Onderon.
 * 178) **“and informed him the Sith they believed to be in existence” - it would sound better as “the Sith that they believed did, in fact, exist” since it was said earlier that they did NOT believe the Sith existed. This helps cover the fact that they now do believe it.
 * 179) **Link to Deak Skywalker.
 * 180) **“Palpatine then sent” - remove “then”.
 * 181) **“sent the Jedi away, and contacted Deak, and told him that the Jedi suspected him of being a Sith” - first, reword that to the following: “sent the Jedi away and contacted Deak, telling him that the Jedi suspected Deak of being a Sith”; second, that would be an incredibly poor strategy. Palpatine wouldn’t put his cards on the table like that. He would just say he needed to talk to Deak in his office.
 * 182) **Link to Jedi High Council.
 * 183) **“and attempted to arrest him” - arrest who?
 * 184) **Link to Jedi Master.
 * 185) **Reword to “as Deak fought and killed the Jedi Masters”.
 * 186) **Reword to “Palpatine offered Deak protection in return for Deak’s service to Palpatine. Deak agreed and revealed himself as Darth Vader, a Dark Lord of the Sith who had been trained by a Sith called Plagueis the Wise”.
 * 187) **Change “to put his plan into action” to “his plans for creating an empire into action”.
 * 188) **Change “they decided to execute the New Order” to “they decided to announce the New Order”.
 * 189) **Change “and he formally declared all members” to “formally declaring all members”.
 * 190) **Change “informed the commanders” to “ordered the commanders”.
 * 191) **Change “the war, however, continued as” to “the war continued, however, as”.
 * 192) **Change “did not give up to the newly” to “did not surrender to the newly”.
 * 193) **A bit of context on how “absolute rule” was taken so quickly would be helpful. Just give a brief bit of context on how Palpatine was in full control of the government and the military due to the accumulation of all the emergency powers.
 * 194) **Change “within seconds and not days and with the help and counsel of Darth Vader” to “within seconds, not days as it had been during the Republic, with help and counsel from Darth Vader”.
 * 195) **“crush the Mandalorians with ease” is blatant POV.
 * 196) **“were the scattered” - I believe you mean “were scattered”, and remove the comma between “scattered” and “and spread”.
 * 197) **“Shortly afterwards” should be “Shortly thereafter”.
 * 198) **Reword the part about the Death Star to say this: “met on Corell to discuss plans for what they had named the Death Star, a moon-sized battle station that would have enough firepower to destroy an entire planet”.
 * 199) **Context on why Tarkin was placed as the supervisor. Just say something like “construction, due to Palpatine having come to trust him during the war”.
 * 200) *Reign of the Empire and death:
 * 201) **“and would be the major galactic power till” - till? TILL?!?!?! Please tell me you’re joking. Don’t ever use that word in an encyclopedic article. Change it to “until”.
 * 202) **Why was Palpatine considered a ruthless leader.
 * 203) **Earlier, you had “New Order” capitalized, but now you say “new order”. Please decide which one it is. I suggest the former.
 * 204) **Change the sentences about Vader and Obi-Wan to say this: “Shortly after the formation of the New Order, Palpatine sent his newly appointed Supreme Commander of the Imperial Fleet, Darth Vader, to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi. Vader and Kenobi, the latter of whom was one of the last and supposedly strongest members of the Order of the Jedi, dueled one another on Mustafar.” This is better wording and it removes some POV. Also link to Mustafar (and say that it’s a planet, like “one another on the planet Mustafar) and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
 * 205) **As I told you on MSN, I strongly suggest that you refer to Darth Vader either by the full name or as Vader. I know that “Darth” in your universe is a first name and not a title, but it will confuse people by referring to him just as “Darth”.
 * 206) **“best surgeons” is POV.
 * 207) **“needing his Force powers” - whose Force powers? And what’s the Force? Link to it as well.
 * 208) **Rewrite the sentence about Vader being saved to say this: “The surgeons saved Vader, but the Sith Lord’s injuries required him to wear a black suit of armor with breathing devices, coolants and a helmet”.
 * 209) **“Palpatine, however, liked Darth’s new look” - that sounds like a fourteen year old girl saying “yo girl I liek ur look OMG lol”. Say something like “Although Vader’s anger grew because of having to wear the suit, Palpatine felt that it would fill their subordinates with fear. If Palpatine was correct, he believed it would allow them to more easily and effectively control their subordinates.”
 * 210) **“Palpatine faced opposition in the Imperial Senate” - link to Imperial Senate and give context on what this opposition was for and why. The last time you spoke about the Senate, they seemed to be worshiping the ground Palpatine walked on.
 * 211) **Reword the rest of the sentence in this way: “particularly from senators such as Mon Mothma, Bail Antilles and, later, Antilles’s daughter Leia. These three Senators were members of a newly formed rebel faction called the Alliance of Free Planets.” That just makes it flow a bit better, and gives it some context. Also make sure to keep your link to Leia, and link to Mon Mothma and the Alliance of Free Planets.
 * 212) **Reword: “Palpatine ordered a group of Imperial Stormtroopers to secretly arrest the senators, but the three senators escaped with other rebels”.
 * 213) **Reword: “After the rebel senators escaped, Palpatine announced to the galaxy that anyone who conspired or associated themselves with the rebellion would be arrested and executed for treason. Many citizens were frightened into compliance, while others who had supposedly stronger wills ignored the warning. One such person was Imperial General Jan Dodonna, who left the Empire to fight for the rebels.” Also link to Jan Dodonna.
 * 214) **Reword: “The first armed conflict between the Empire and the rebels, during what later became known as the Galactic Civil War, was fought on the planet Kashyyyk when the rebels gained the support of the indigenous Wookiee population.” Link to Galactic Civil War, Kashyyyk and Wookiee.
 * 215) **“natives of the planet” - change to “native Wookiees” for clarification purposes.
 * 216) **Reword: “Angered by the Empire’s loses, Palpatine believed he had to test the Empire’s strength on Kashyyyk in order to make an example out of the planet. Therefore, Palpatine ordered a fleet of Star Destroyers, which were vessels of the Imperial fleet, to perform a Base Delta Zero operation. This operation destroyed most of the Wookiee villages on the planet, but the trees that the villages were built into remained standing.” Also link to Star Destroyer.
 * 217) **Fifteen years in one sentence? I think you can write a whole paragraph citing a few examples of what happened over the next fifteen years. Also, don’t use contractions like “didn’t”. You need to say “did not”. That applies to anything like “can’t”, “won’t”, “don’t”, etc.
 * 218) **Reword: “Wanting the Rebels to see what he felt was the true power of the Empire, Palpatine ordered Tarkin to use the Death Star on Taris, a world in the Outer Rim. Tarkin, however, informed Palpatine that the Death Star would not be available for use for another eighteen years.”
 * 219) **In reference to the above objection, shouldn’t Palpatine know whether the Death Star is completed or not? I mean, he’s the Galactic Empire. You’d think he’d know these things....
 * 220) **Reword: “In response, Palpatine ordered a larger military presence on the Empire’s more heavily populated worlds, hoping that it would destroy any rebel activity.
 * 221) **Reword: “Palpatine did not believe that the Rebellion would use the planet of Dantooine as a secret base, as it was an agricultural planet that he believed lacked in significance”. Also link to Dantooine.
 * 222) **In reference to the above objection, why are you mentioning Dantooine here? It’s not mentioned at all later on, so this seems to be a rather useless piece of information.
 * 223) **Reword: “During that time, Darth Vader had made progress in keeping the Imperial Fleet in line, using what many noted to be his fearful appearance as well as the Force to make examples out of failures.”
 * 224) **Reword this whole paragraph to say this: “Darth Vader later informed Palpatine that Vader suspected Tarkin of plotting to overthrow the Emperor, using the Death Star to destroy Terra. Palpatine ordered Vader to stay on the Death Star in order to keep an eye on Tarkin, and during that time Vader reported to Palpatine that the Rebellion was in the possession of the Death Star plans. Knowing that the rebels might be able to find and exploit a weakness in the station’s design, Palpatine ordered the Imperial fleet to track down the rebels. Leia Antilles and a group of rebels, who were captured aboard the Death Star with the plans, managed to escape with the plans. Using the plans, the Alliance was able to assault the station and destroy it, killing Tarkin the process. Vader, however, survived and reported to Palpatine that the man who destroyed the Death Star was strong in the Force. Palpatine gave Vader the authority to find out who the man was and track him down.”
 * 225) **Reword: “Three years later, the Imperial intelligence agency informed Palpatine that the Rebellion had relocated to Hoth, a planet in the Outer Rim.”
 * 226) **Lead should be led.
 * 227) **Reword: “After the battle, Palpatine contacted Vader and informed him that the young man who destroyed the Death Star was to be considered an enemy of the Empire. The man was Lucas Skywalker, the son of Vader’s former self, and Palpatine ordered that Skywalker was not to become a Jedi. Vader proposed turning Skywalker to the dark side of the Force, and Palpatine commanded that Skywalker was to either join them or die.”
 * 228) **In reference to the above objection, I think you wrote this paragraph strictly to have it correspond with the films. How is the bit about Skywalker not becoming a Jedi supposed to make sense to us? This is the first we’ve heard of him, and it’s not like we know he’s being trained as a Jedi or if he even is. If he’s being trained by Obi-Wan or something, you can’t just assume we know that. After all, this is an alternate universe story. For all we know, any moron could be training him.
 * 229) **Reword: “Palpatine also assigned Prince Xizor, leader of the Black Sun crime syndicate, the task of killing Skywalker. As Xizor and Vader were searching for Skywalker, the two ended up competing for Palpatine’s favor. This resulted in Xizor’s death, as well as Skywalker’s escape.”
 * 230) **In reference to the above objection, how did Xizor and Vader compete for Palpatine’s favor? How did Palpatine respond to this? Did he even know about it? Also, link to Xizor and Black Sun.
 * 231) **Debacle is POV.
 * 232) **What’s a flame stormtrooper (that should be de-capped by the way)?
 * 233) **Reword: Palpatine ordered his troops not to fire on the rebels who were engulfed in the flames, as he wanted them to die in pain and misery”.
 * 234) **Say that Palpatine later met with scientists.
 * 235) **What’s the Maw Installation? Also, if there’s an article, link to it.
 * 236) **“with plans on constructing” - reword to “regarding plans to construct”.
 * 237) **Put a period after “new Death Star”, then reword the rest by saying: “This newly proposed Death Star would be smaller than the first, with the original weaknesses corrected. Construction began near the forest moon of Endor shortly thereafter”. Also link to the forest moon and link to Endor.
 * 238) **Reword: “Imperial Governor Jerjerrod was placed in charge of the construction, although he was not seen as being as efficient as Tarkin due to construction falling behind schedule. Palpatine sent Vader to the station in order to motivate Jerjerrod and the workers through fear. Palpatine later traveled to the station himself as he wished to personally inspect it, and he was satisfied with the progress that he had seen.”
 * 239) **Reword: “This strategy would involve Palpatine and Vader allowing the rebels to find out about the construction of the Death Star, and the Imperial fleet would hide in a nearby system while the Rebels attacked the Death Star. After the Rebels took the bait and attacked the Death Star, Palpatine ordered the Imperial fleet to enter the Endor system and decimate the Rebels, but his plan failed. The Rebels were able to destroy the Death Star, which Palpatine and Vader had escaped from. The survivors of the Imperial fleet under Gilad Pellaeon, however, managed to escape.”
 * 240) **In reference to the above objection, who is Gilad Pellaeon? Context, and link to it.
 * 241) **Reword this entire last paragraph: “After the second Death Star’s destruction, Vader became angry with what he believed was Palpatine’s poor military leadership. Vader felt that his strategies had been more effective than Palpatine’s, so the Sith Lord began plotting to overthrow Palpatine and instate himself as Galactic Empire. During this time, the Rebellion launched a siege on Terra. Palpatine was escorted to a secure underground bunker, along with other Imperial bureaucrats and politicians. During the siege, Vader entered the bunker and informed Palpatine and the others that the Rebels, who were fighting with Mon Calamari and Wookiee allies, were poised to defeat the Imperials. Believing that he was finally defeated and not wanting to be captured in shame, Palpatine shot and killed himself with a blaster pistol. Leadership of the Empire immediately transferred to Vader, who managed to flee with a crippled Imperial fleet.”
 * 242) **In regards to the above objection, link to the Mon Calamari species (make sure it’s the species, not the planet).
 * 243) *Legacy:
 * 244) **Reword: “Following Palpatine’s death, the Empire splintered into multiple pieces. Various military leaders, including Vader, attempted to revive the Empire by forming their own factions and fighting one another for dominance. The Rebels soon captured Terra and established the Alliance of Free Planets as the governmental authority of the galaxy, later fighting and defeating nearly all of Palpatine’s successors. Vader himself was also killed by a Jedi, this Jedi serving alongside Lucas Skywalker. Other rebels such as Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, Han Solo of Corell, and the Wookiee Chewbacca also placed roles in the Empire’s downfall. The only Imperial to make it out alive was Gilad Pellaeon, who fled to the Unknown Regions but later sided with the Alliance.”
 * 245) **Link to Leia Organa, Chewbacca, and the Unknown Regions.
 * 246) **Reword: “Because of Vader’s death, the Empire completed collapsed, and a new government called the New Republic rose in its place. Lucas Skywalker assisted in the formation of the New Republic. Many historians referred to Palpatine as “evil” and “the man of hate”. Palpatine was noted as being responsible for the near-destruction of the Order of the Jedi, although some Jedi Masters such as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda survived to train Lucas Skywalker. Skywalker went on to create the New Order of the Jedi. During this time, democracy was restored to the galaxy, and Palpatine’s dictatorship was remembered as nothing more than a memory of dark times.”
 * 247) **In regards to the above objection, link to New Jedi Order and Yoda.
 * 248) *Personality and traits:
 * 249) **Reword: “Before his time at the University of Corell, Palpatine was seen as being a kind and gentle young man. He was said to have loved his family, particularly his father. Palpatine became involved in the Republican Workers Party after his time in the military, which influenced his hatred of the Order of the Jedi and helped to convince him that the Jedi needed to be destroyed.”
 * 250) **This is the first mentioning of the University of Corell, and you say it as if we should know what you’re talking about. Why wasn’t this mentioned in the Bio section?
 * 251) **He loved his family, yet ran away from them for four years? Plot hole.
 * 252) **Why did the RWP influence his hatred of the Jedi?
 * 253) **Continued rewording: “With help from Vader and Tarkin, who Palpatine considered friends, Palpatine was able to gain more power than most Supreme Chancellor’s had previously held. He used this power to kill the Jedi, save for the few that escaped. Palpatine’s prejudice against the Jedi caused him to respect Vader’s Sith ideals.”
 * 254) **This second paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with a personality and traits section.
 * 255) **This section is really bad. Read personality and traits sections in more recent character featured articles to get a feel for how this section should be written. The important thing you need to do is state a personality feature and then go into detail about why he was that way, what implications it had, etc.
 * 256) *Talents and abilities:
 * 257) **I believe corrupt is POV unless you cite specific charges and convictions leveled against him.
 * 258) **How did this corruption affect his leadership abilities?
 * 259) **Reword: “Despite this, Palpatine was said to have been a good public speaker, and he believed he could lie and give the people false promises without the people realizing it”.
 * 260) **Reword: “Palpatine also believed he was able to effectively determine who was loyal to him and who was not, such as when Vader informed him that Tarkin intended to overthrow Palpatine. After learning this, Palpatine looked at Tarkin’s previous actions and determined that Vader’s accusations were true.”
 * 261) **First sentence of the second paragraph is POV.
 * 262) **In the second sentence, remove “during his youth” and begin the sentence with “During his service”.
 * 263) **Best ground forces is POV.
 * 264) **Reword: “After growing older, Palpatine was said to have become weak enough to where he had to form a group called the Emperor’s Elite, which served as handpicked bodyguards from what Palpatine believed were the best of the stormtroopers.”
 * 265) **In regards to the above objection, why wasn’t this mentioned in the Bio?
 * 266) **Reword: “Palpatine was able to gain the loyalty of the Emperor’s Elite by favoring them over other forces and praising them for their service to the Empire. Palpatine’s ability to have what he felt was absolute loyalty from his military officers, save for exceptions such as Tarkin, proved to be valuable to him when he ordered the extermination of the Jedi.”
 * 267) **In regards to the above, explain why this was valuable.
 * 268) **Reword: “After Palpatine’s death, many of these military commanders kept this loyalty to the Empire, many of them using it to justify their battles for dominance.”
 * 269) *Behind the scenes:
 * 270) **Who’s the author?
 * 271) **Why did you intend to only name him Cos Palpatine?
 * 272) **“only be known by one name” - I believe you mean “being known”.
 * 273) **“Cos was used as Palpatine’s first name as Cos was his original name” - That doesn’t make any sense. Clarification, please.
 * 274) **What is The Phantom Menace? Also, link to it, and use the full title of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
 * 275) **Who’s George Lucas? Also link to him.
 * 276) **Explain this Emperor of Decarte thing.
 * 277) **Who’s Adolf Hitler? What’s Nazi Germany? What parts of Palpatine’s life were based on Hitler?
 * 278) **Tyrant, even when used to describe someone as evil as Hitler, is POV. Not only that, but it’s not the best word to use, considering he was elected. A better would be “dictator”.
 * 279) **This section is very lackluster. Don’t be afraid to go into detail.
 * 280) *Categories:
 * 281) **Nowhere in this article does it indicate that Palpatine was a philosopher, nor does it indicate that he himself was a mass murderer. Please remove those categories.
 * 282) *Final thoughts:
 * 283) **The storyline itself is a bit meh, but I think that’s because it’s lacking in some context. As someone who shall remain nameless said on IRC, though, “there’s a reason they made Palpatine a Sith Lord”. Regardless, I wouldn’t hold that against this article. What I do hold against the article is the novel of objections I wrote over the last two days. I expect you to correct them all, as I will be checking them all. Only after all of this is fixed (as well as any objections that may arise due to things you change around, which happens sometimes) will I support this article for featured status. Please take this seriously, as I spent an absurd amount of time on this. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 06:06, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Alright, I am ready for this to be critiqued for Featured Article status.  Wing   msg 14:32, 25 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Done with Unit's, will do Bac's complaints soon.  Wing   msg 15:09, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

Fixed all of Bac's complaints.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * I'll take a look at your corrections tomorrow. On another note, if you're going to put "done" or whatever underneath every objection, please properly format the indentation of your comments. I shouldn't have to do that for you. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 02:28, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

Oops, sorry.  Wing   msg 02:35, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Fixed some more tweaks yesterday.  Wing   msg 22:12, 4 November 2008 (UTC)

Can I get some more feedback, please?  Wing   msg 17:23, 16 November 2008 (UTC)


 * Alright, will work on Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 00:49, 10 December 2008 (UTC)

Finished Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 17:49, 14 December 2008 (UTC)


 * I had to change some stuff, deleted Judah Zaren and Galactic Socialist Party stuff. Any errors I missed, please post them. Thanks.  Wing   msg 19:50, 26 December 2008 (UTC)

More feedback please? -- Wing   msg 16:48, 31 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Vic left some complaints on the talk page, and I will get to them later today. Sorry, for the wait.  Wing   msg 11:28, 14 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the review Solus.  Wing   msg 19:50, 18 January 2009 (UTC)


 * I'm giving this article a proper review now. It should be done by tomorrow (I'm going to post it all at once). - Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 07:22, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

My 10 MS Word pages worth of objections is up. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 06:06, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) Good job with this.  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:12, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) I agree.  Darth Wylind ( Talk ) 17:11, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Good read.-- Nightmare 975  06:00, 7 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the unleashed desk of Drewton:
 * 2) * It's better to use quotation marks rather than the ' symbols for quotes in prose.
 * 3) *"The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs." "And" is used twice here.
 * 4) *The image spreading/layout isn't great. You have a lot of images in one spot and then none at all in another. Images could also be slightly larger.
 * 5) *"Although Askar had no interest in the planet of Tahu itself, he didn't" Contractions are unencyclopedic.
 * 6) *"The Necasians, originally being two days march" Add "a" before "two days march".
 * 7) *"The Necasians were the first ones to reach the city, despite the setbacks they'd received" Another contraction.
 * 8) *"Realise" is spelled "realize".
 * 9) *"and such an epidemic wouldn't be seen on Tahu again until" Another contraction. Destroy it.
 * Overall, it's well written, with only a few minor mistakes. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 17:47, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:04, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) * "With the base in ruins, both sides felt they had dealt a heavy blow to the Death's Tongue Militia. (which they had not)." Looks unprofessional; the words in parantheses should be moved into the main sentence. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:08, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Review…
 * 4) *In the infobox, I recommend/suggest sorting the commanders (from the Commanders section) by surname. As for the outcome, why is it indecisive? I think stalemate is more appropriate; indecisive just means no 'historians' (that's us) can decide who won, rather than just stating it was a stalemate (a tie, no true winners or losers, but equal in gain and loss, basically overall). Well anyway, the rest of the infobox looks good, rather impressive. The former two are simple suggestions or complaints, whatever you wish to call them, but I stand strongly by them.
 * 5) *From the introduction
 * 6) **"attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation and spread terror amongst their civilian populations as a result" Rewrite this, as the lack of comma use may confuse a reader, to "attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation, spreading terror amongst their civilian populations as a result"
 * 7) **"tricking both other factions into attacking a decoy base on Tahu which they would disguise as a major base" Two things; first, explain how they tricked the other two factions, and second, instead of saying "which they would disguise as a major base", to keep the flow, change it to "which they disguised as a major base". That keeps it all in past tense.
 * 8) **"and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them" Okay, 'instead' of what? Doesn't sound like instead of anything, so just take it out.
 * 9) **Sentence beginning with "Arriving at the planet" is a run on, please cut it into two, preferably after "by said militants" (that is a good enough sentence there). Too much to swallow at once.
 * 10) *More later. --Victortalk 01:55, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. And I still stand by indecesive because it can be debated which side really won, and none of them really achieved much, so I feel indecesive is the best term. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:56, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Then change it to something like "Indecisive, as noted by galactic historians" and then make sure that the article addresses why historians believe it was indecisive (such as in the Legacy section or something). Without proper clarification like that, it looks like author POV. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 20:22, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:52, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Meh, I personally don't care if you leave it as just indecisive if you're set on that. Adding 'considered' or something just gives more redundancy, but again on that, it's your call. Anyway, more review…
 * 2) *Prelude
 * 3) **Can you please properly format and source (meaning writing out website name, image taker, edits done to image, full links to who/what is in image, etc.) the image Hoodmil.jpg please? That'd be proper and rightfully crediting whoever made that original image. Also, try cropping that black line border around the image, please, so it doesn't look funny in the thumbnail. Lastly, that image caption on the image needs a period at the end.
 * 4) **Please split that first large paragraph into two. It's rather chunky and bulking up the already limited space there. A good place to break it into two would be at the sentence starting "Concurrently, Askar Invado, …"; In fact though, it might be good to break it into three paragraphs, with the third one beginning with " Although Askar had no interest…"
 * 5) **"support for itself by distributing food and aid (which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds)" Instead of parenthesis, use commas please.
 * 6) **"an assault on said base after gaining intelligence on it" I know this is preference, but I really hate 'said base' or 'said character'. Instead, it's simpler and easier for readers if you put 'an assault on the major base after…'
 * 7) **"could arise and removing a base on Tahu." Never use italics, bolding, or any sort of markup within an article. Remove that italics.
 * 8) **"were also ones deemed incompetent or untrustworthy." By who? Otherwise, borderline POV.
 * 9) **"the Srav Federation were also taking an" Srav Federation is singular, so 'were' to 'was'
 * 10) **"thinking they'd only be" No contraction please.
 * 11) **"to depart for Tahu with too little men" 'little' could work better as 'few', although that is borderline POV. Who says it is too little? Instead, say 'too few men to face two factions at once' or something to clear that up.
 * 12) **"the Militia had no idea, at this time," 'this' to 'that', past tense. Also, the part beginning with "the Death's Tongue force was believed…" needs to be a new sentence altogether, and needs a bit of clearer wording to get the message (that they never knew what was coming) clearer, please.
 * 13) *More later. Also I'm unsure who wrote this article, it seems Tom did because of the British English grammar/spelling; I am worried that if Unit edited/wrote this too, we may jump from British to American English, and so I ask that you keep consistency in mind when writing such articles. Unless you're both using British English, of course, but I haven't checked. All I know was that the 'Prelude' was in British English. Anyway, again, more later. --Victortalk 06:59, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) **Done. And just to clarify, we both did roughly half of the article each. I think I put it through an American spellcheck, but I may have missed stuff. Also, for the image, said state does not actually state who took the image. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  15:38, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) *OK. Can you still fix (crop) the image though anyway? And even if there is no name for the artist, still give the name of the website in the link to the source url. More actual review later. --Victortalk 07:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 17) * Images
 * 18) **The images are not evenly distributed. There are three really close to each other in one part, and none for sections afterwards.
 * 19) *Introduction
 * 20) **The Battle of Tahu was a fairly large battle of the Cruentusian War. Wording. Does 'large' mean lots of people were involved in it, or that it was very important? Please clarify.
 * 21) **The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs. Coordination. When there are three or more things, all except the last item in the series needs a conjunction after the comma.
 * 22) **[...] the Sravs and Necasians came under heavy fire from Death's Tongue militants, rioting natives, and biological weapons [...] Clarification. I do believe that 'biological weapons' could use a 'the' in front of it.
 * 23) **For the duration of the battle went into an unofficial ceasefire [...] Wording. Um...what?
 * 24) *Prelude
 * 25) **the Necasian Military began to take notice of what they had previously thought of as an insignificant faction, despite such raids as they had performed on Carrivar and Gresevokrad. Reference. 'They' who? The Power Rangers?
 * 26) **Meanwhile, the Death's Tongue Militia had set up shop on the arid world of Tahu [...] Informal. 'Set up shop' is informal.
 * 27) **Meanwhile, the Death's Tongue Militia had set up shop on the arid world of Tahu, which had fallen on hard times lately due to an influx of refugees. Reference. The word 'which' could refer to the militia, the base on Tahu, the planet, or James Kirk.
 * 28) **[...] the Death's Tongue Militia roused support for itself by distributing food and aid, which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds and apparently began work on a major base in the planet's desert. Coherence. That last phrase had nothing to do with the first. Another sentence seems to be in order.
 * 29) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Logic. Earlier you stated that Tahu was near Necasian territory. Now it is in the territory. It has hyperdrive!
 * 30) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Wording. The last phrase is rather awkward.
 * 31) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Wording. Though it is not wrong, it is more correct to have the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
 * 32) **The Sravs, however, had no idea that the Necasians also were launching assaults [...] Phrasing. 'Also' and 'were' could do with some switching.
 * 33) **[...] and pushed not as many troops into the battle as they could have done [...] Redundant. 'Done' is unnecessary and should be removed.
 * 34) **[...] the Necasians had thought the same as the Sravs; that the assault would be easy. Fragment. A semicolon roughly equates a period. Therefore, that makes "That the assault would be easy" to be a sentence, which it is not. Change to colon.
 * 35) ***That's the first two sections. I must say, this article has remarkably few errors and it promises to be interesting. Well done. I'll get to the rest later. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  21:14, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) *Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:36, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) From the screen of the Solusinator-2000
 * 38) *Arrival
 * 39) **[...] Srav's [...] Apostraphe use. I see sprinkled throughout this article the use of 'Srav's' as a plural noun. It is not. 'Srav's' is a possessive &mdash;an adjective. It should be 'Sravs.'
 * 40) **[...] soon became bogged down in quicksand areas [...] Logic. Tahu is a desert planet. Quicksand requires salt water and is wet, so unless the marsh is near Tahu's one sea, this is unlikely. Dry quicksand, however, is found in deserts. Yes, there is a difference, and for those weirdo science people the benefit of precise wording is nice.
 * 41) **[...] soon became bogged down in quicksand areas [...] Exactness. Is 'quicksand areas' the most vivid noun you could think of? If the place is large and well-known to the inhabitants, name the place something, maybe, and describe it. Adds flavor. Place-Where-People-Sink-And-Die or something. That way it's not 'quicksand area,' like the name of a 2D Sonic level.
 * 42) **[...] the heavy Krako Warrior Traversers vehicles being caught in the sand by some way [...] Wording. 'By some way' could be more precisely worded.
 * 43) **[...] there was little more than half a day between the two factions arriving at the city, leaving a confrontation being the key idea of the leader's of each faction. Wording. Awkward wording. Read it through a few times if you don't think so.
 * 44) *Siege
 * 45) **[...] despite the setbacks they had received earlier on with their machinery and weapons. Wordiness. 'On' is wordy and makes the sentence awkward
 * 46) **[...] they didn't spend their time preparing for the Srav arrival [...] Wording. Either 'a Srav arrival' or 'the Srav's arrival.' It is awkward as is.
 * 47) **[...]where they were suspected to have been, based upon the false information. Wording. The last phrase is awkward. So, the militia had a base on some place called False Information?
 * 48) **After just a few hours after the Necasian arrival [...] Wordiness. I think you can see what I'm talking about. 'After just' is redundant.
 * 49) **After just a few hours after the Necasian arrival the Sravs soon arrived [...] Wordiness. Whoa. You have three words that denote time - the same time I might add. Two 'afters' and a 'soon.' Just one of those words will suffice.
 * 50) **[...] but, with prior warning of the Necasians [...] Wording. So the Sravs were hanging out with a prior warning? Change to 'having' or something similar.
 * 51) **[...] but, with prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city [...] Fragment. The use of a comma and coordinating conjunction equates a period. That makes 'With prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city' to be a sentence. You may notice that it is not. Please fix.
 * 52) **[...] with prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city, missile launchers being used to trap the Necasians inside. Wording. That last phrase is awkward. It might sound better if 'missile launchers being used' was changed to a gerund phrase used as the subject of the infinitive. That means change it to 'using missile launchers.'
 * 53) **[...] still unaware of the Srav's outside [...] Wording. Outside what? As well, a word other than 'outside' would be beneficial.
 * 54) **[...] still unaware of the Srav's outside due to a failure in security [...] Logic. It would take a liiiiiiiittle bit more than a breach of security not to notice 1200 Infantrymen, 200 Hammer Division troops, 190 Drakuv-class assault tanks, 90 Kurtev-class heavy assault tanks, 200 Molot-class anti-infantry platforms, 40 Okol-class mobile missile launchers, 60 Drapeznik-class assault gunships, and 50 Yukel-class assault fighters. A little peek over one's shoulder might be enough to, I dunno, "establish visual contact" as one might say.
 * 55) **The Necasians, still unaware of the Srav's outside due to a failure in security, continued their searches, until Srav missiles hit the outskirts of the city and various structures within, killing many people before the Necasians could react, and return fire with the tanks they'd brought into the city with them, holding the Srav's predominantly away from the city until only the few stray missiles fired sporadically managed to pierce Necasian ranks and destroy a structure within the city. Run-on. All that is one sentence.
 * 56) **The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours, originally planned to merely starve them out of the city [...] Wordiness. Blockading is part of siege warfare. Starving a city's inhabitants falls into that category. This is a military article, please call it something like that.
 * 57) **The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours, originally planned to merely starve them out of the city [...] Logic. This assumes that, I dunno, the Sravs could outlast the Necasians. Who have access to a city full of food. The Sravs just have the rations they came with. Whoever is in charge of the Srav's logistics is napping.
 * 58) **[...] allowed the Srav's to breach the Necaisan defense in three points, and access the city [...] Comma usage. Remove the comma before 'and.'
 * 59) **[...] the battle now was fought in close combat on the streets, the use of artillery being removed by the close proximity of each of the faction's forces. Wording. That last phrase is awkward.
 * 60) ***That is part 2. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:21, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) *Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:32, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) **No it isn't. Go through all of my objections one by one. Especially the one about 'Srav's.' - Solus (Bird of Prey)  14:26, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ***It is now. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:41, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) Just as a note, I have not read over the above objections, because, as we say in Mexico, no me importan.
 * 66) *Introduction
 * 67) **and "take some of the heat off [its] back" – Why is that in quotes? Seriously? There is no real source, so that's obviously made up, and completely unnecessary, particularly because there is no source where its comes from. Obviously this is just a ploy to "get some heat off [your] backs" by running around POV rules. Reword, remove the fake quote. Just write it in proper grammar, like "and relieve themselves of recent losses" or something that applies. Anything but the prosey flop.
 * 68) **By the way, the second sentence is a massive run-on. Slice and dice it. Really.
 * 69) **Death's Tongue militants, rioting natives, and biological weapons laid by said militants. – Don't say 'said militants'. Just say 'by the militants'. Otherwise, this reads sloppy.
 * 70) **For the duration of the battle went the Necasians and Sravs went into an unofficial ceasefire – Read that and tell me if it makes sense; it shouldn't, so reword it to make sense.
 * 71) **due to their treatment of the native populace. – Whose treatment of the populace? The Sravs? Necasians? Death's Tongue? Isn't really clear.
 * 72) *Prelude
 * 73) **we decieve these – Spelling. That's from prelude's quote.
 * 74) **Your image caption lacks a period.
 * ", a move considered very audacious and risky by many in the galaxy, – Why? Isn't that what war is? Isn't that what the Necs and the Sravs are doing as well? Why is this any necessary? I would say remove that as that only makes your sentence needlessly longer and has absolutely no point there. All they did was attack them both. Big deal - like I said, the others have been doing the same throughout the whole war (as that is what war is about, no?)
 * 1) **"despite such raids that said faction had performed on Carrivar and Gresevokrad." – "said faction" is unnecessary; just say 'the faction'.
 * 2) **"on said base after gaining intelligence on it" – again, just say 'the base' instead of 'said base'. That's sloppy.
 * 3) **"a planet so near to Necasian territory." – so near? I believe the proper way to say this would be 'so close to' or 'in close proximity' (removing 'so near' completely)
 * 4) **"in order to ease the pressure on them" – This is what could go in the introduction instead of that ridiculous 'quote'.
 * 5) **Okay, not really a complaint, but either stick to American English or British English, don't skip around using both. "Unbeknownst" should either be "Unbeknown" and "whilst" should be "while", or, all should be in British English. I think even Tom once told some user that 'American English is our official language omg', so per that.
 * 6) **What are "Necasian SpecOps"? No links, no context, nothing. I mean, it's almost a clear cut obvious answer, but you still need to give context.
 * 7) **"the same as the Sravs: that the assault would be easy." Replace that colon with a comma.
 * 8) **"small amount of men" Bias, as in the Human species; since we all know Humans aren't the only species in the galaxy for sure in Star Wars (unless your Alternative Project Cruentus Saga deems otherwise) then it should be something like 'soldiers' or 'troopers' or something instead of 'men.'
 * 9) **"As a result, the Death's Tongue force was believed to not have known about what was considered an 'impending doom' moving down upon them. " That sentence is redundant, you just said that in the previous one. Combine this one with that one; I just see this as sticking in some last minute POV for lulz. No but seriously, combine it, otherwise I'm reading the same thing twice in a row.
 * 10) *Arrival
 * 11) **"not aware of one another," They can find out about some base of the DTM on a rather insignificant planet, yet they can't see or detect one another and their fleets? Really? I mean, I'm sure Cruentus era isn't that backed up in technology (if there's a Star Forge years before them, I'm sure there's look-there's-an-enemy-radar stuff)
 * 12) **Again, btw, that above sentence is a major run on. Try cutting stuff out or rewording and splitting up.
 * 13) **"methods so as to shield the " 'So as to' is very wordy, needless. Just put 'to'. That's all.
 * 14) **"The Sravs, thinking that the Necasians must have discovered the whereabouts of the Death's Tongue presence in the city, and so moved their" Reword this. Read it and you'll see it needs to be.
 * 15) **"moving forwards to pave the way" Forwards? I guess that's a word, but I think 'forward' alone is fine.
 * 16) **"The Srav's, by contrast, were trekking" Remove that apostrophe from Sravs.
 * 17) **Basically, this whole article so far has been a poor read, pretty nagging to read through. The grammar is just very sloppy, choppy. A lot of rewording could go into this. I simply don't see this as featured quality whatsoever yet, not even close.
 * 18) *Siege
 * 19) **If I missed any earlier, sorry, but I meant to say do not use contractions (don't use don't, instead say 'do not'). It is uncyclopedic. :P
 * 20) **"after the Necasian arrival Srav forward units soon showed up outside the city" You already said ' a few hours after'; saying 'soon' is unnecessary/redundant
 * 21) **Last sentence a huge run on, barely made sense of it. I saw another contraction in there as well. Clean it up, split it up please.
 * 22) **"with a loss of men" Again with that bias thing I mentioned above. Say 'loss of soldiers' or something similar. Units, troopers, whatever. But not men.
 * 23) **"The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours" Again with the incorrect apostrophe. Remove it. Plural =/= apostrophe. This probably occurred various times through the article (I see another one in this sentence) so please look through it to fix it.
 * 24) **"Eventually, the actions of a Necasian traitor " What actions? Intel? Tools? PWNAGE weaponry? Maps? Give context. Otherwise this is like a deus ex to get the Sravs inside the city for no good reason really. And why would he betray? For fun? For lollerskates?
 * 25) **"of each of the faction's forces. " Should be 'factions' forces' as we're talking about two factions here.
 * 26) *Okay, I'm done for now. –<font color="#c00">Victor  [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|15px]] ( talk page ) 07:17, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Awaiting any objections. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:45, 9 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Started reviewing this. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:23, 24 November 2008 (UTC)

Oppose

 * 1) From the united Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 2) *Just as an introductory note, I certainly hope that the quality of the articles has reviewed since you initially wrote the Battle of Kothlis, or this is going to be another disappointment. I don’t like being disappointed.
 * From the infobox:
 * 1) *In the outcome segment, I think you can be a little more specific and grammatically correct rather than just saying “Lost Ones defeat”.
 * 2) *I may be wrong, but doesn’t a four-way battle indicate that there were four sides that were all fighting each other in a massive one vs. one vs. one vs. one battle? I thought this battle was everyone against the Lost Ones? If so, I think it make more sense to change this to a two-way battle infobox and include all of the non-Lost Ones information under one side to indicate that those three were fighting together AGAINST the Lost Ones.
 * 3) *Given the imaginations of the people involved with Project Cruentus, I think that you can come up with better “strength” and “casualty” statistics than what you have there. My advice? Ask MPK for assistance in generating appropriate numbers of forces and casualties.
 * From the introduction:
 * 1) *“was a battle of the Cruentusian War” - there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but I just feel that it reads awkwardly. I’d write it as “was a battle during the Cruentusian War” or “was a battle that took place during the Cruentusian War”.
 * 2) *When you say “elite Rakata commando group” in reference to the Lost Ones, are you using that as an official description (as if to say, “the Navy Seals are an elite force within the United States Navy”), or is that just an adjective? This isn’t an objection unless it’s the latter, in which case it’s borderline POV. If it’s the former, then disregard this. The same goes for further down where it says “elite Necasian squad”.
 * 3) *Should it be “Rakata commando group” or “Rakatan commando group”? I’d assume the latter, but given that you’re writing in this time period then you might know more than me.
 * 4) *“Necasian hero” is borderline POV, although I see what you mean to say by it. I’d suggest saying “led by Haveer Jarn, who was hailed as a hero by the Necasians”. The same goes for “the Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings” a little further down.
 * 5) *“and both had to reluctantly work with each other” - I would personally say “work with one another”, but it’s up to you. That’s just my preference.
 * 6) *“violent duel” - while I’m sure the duel was violent, that’s pretty much POV. I think just saying a duel would suffice.
 * 7) *“with the combined efforts of the two commando groups” - what about the Zayre? You mention them once in regards to the duel, but then they’re not acknowledged again.
 * 8) *“and the Lost Ones were forced to flee” - it’s never really a good idea to use the word “forced” for something like this, because it implies that they had no other options (which, technically, isn’t true because they could have stayed and fought until the last man was dead). In an encyclopedic article, it shouldn’t be said for certainty that there were no other options, so just saying “and the Lost Ones fled” will suffice. Just as a heads up, to avoid awkward reading, the changing of the wording in the “forced” part necessitates a change in wording in the next part. I would say that the whole part of that sentence should say “and the Lost Ones fled, their temple on the planet having been razed by a Srav nuclear strike”.
 * 9) *Just in the interest of easy reading for everyone, I would suggest changing “razed” to destroyed. Of course I know what that means but, again, not everyone necessarily knows that sort of thing.
 * 10) *More to come later. The overview of the battle in the introduction intrigues me, so if there is an extensive review then hopefully there's a great story to go along with it. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:24, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. Also, it is my personal preference not to have exact figures in infoboxes, but I'll see what I can do. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:02, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 13) *Eliminating the outpost
 * 14) **However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Informal. 'Taken out' is informal.
 * 15) **However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Wording. Though it is not incorrect, it is considered more correct to place the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
 * 16) **Even as the Greyfox transport was changing course for Ahara, a Srav Federation transport passing by the system boundry also picked up the signal. Conicidentally, Srav heroine Nataska Vergulva and a group of Hammer Division special troops were aboard, heading to reinforce Srav outer holdings. Logic. This is a very difficult situation to pull off, having both heroes passing by the same small system at sublight speed. Though this isn't a 'true' objection, all I ask is that you come up with some other, more plausible way to set up this battle.
 * 17) **[...] taken out [...] Informal. This phrase is used far too much. It is very informal. I will not address any more single instances of it.
 * 18) *Taken by surprise
 * 19) **Suddenly, his motion sensor started to beep rapidly. Prose. 'Tis prosey.
 * 20) **Then, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, killing one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades. Prose. More prosey-ness, by George!
 * 21) **Repelling the nearest droids with a combination of explosive bullets and grenades, the squad members reported that they had insufficient numbers and ammunition to repel the droids in the immediate area alone. Redundant. The word 'repel' is used twice in this small section, A synonym for one of them is in order.
 * 22) **It was then that Jarn noticed a ship that was familiar to him fly overhead, peppered with fire from below. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Though I can assume what you are talking about, we must assume that there are people who will not.
 * 23) **As Jarn was on the verge of losing hope, he suddenly found himself literally bumping into a figure he recognized instantly. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Per above complaint.
 * 24) *Surrounded
 * 25) **The nuclear-tipped rocket propelled grenades [...] Hyphenation. 'Rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
 * 26) **However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wordy. 'On' is unnecessary.
 * 27) **However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wording. Again, though not incorrect, 'however' is more correct in the middle of a sentence.
 * 28) **In any case, he expressed a desire to witness the 'slave scum' crumble. Usage. 'Slave scum' should be "slave scum."
 * 29) **Vergulva informed them that the sheer amount of droids would result in it being shot down. Logic. Because there would be a lot of droids the ship would be shot down? It isn't the number that will get them shot down, it is the number's shooting that will get them shot down.
 * 30) **Vergulva dispatched them quickly with a combination of her sniper rifle and her personalized VLOK-19 combat pistol. Clarity. Is she dispatching them using both her rifle and pistol, or are her rifle and pistol combined into one weapon? Please clarify.
 * 31) ***Overall, not a bad article at all. I rather like it, and look forward to finishing this review. Remarkably few errors, just a few sniggly logic problems is all. Good work. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  03:04, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *Sorted. I will point out that I did not know that 'taken out' was a phrase considered informal. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:49, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) JM76's review:
 * Infobox
 * 1) *The unit count and casualties section is sub par, mainly because it lacks troop count. It is not detailed or comprehensive. I would recommend fixing that.
 * Intro
 * 1) *"...elite Rakata commando group..." Elite is possibly PoV.
 * 2) *"...having obtained the powerful artifact..." Powerful is PoV. And where is the context for the artifact? What does it have to do with the cache of Rakatan droids?
 * 3) *"...which managed to send off a distress call." How did it do this? Did it send it before it was destroyed? On destruction?
 * 4) *"Both an elite Necasian squad..." see above.
 * 5) *"...both had to reluctantly work with each other against the Ratakan droid legions." Why? How did the Rakatan numbers fare in comparison to the other two forces? I can't tell because of your lack of detail in the infobox.
 * Prelude
 * 1) * "Ravyr also believed that it could be also..." Saying 'it could also be' sounds more natural. Just a personal nitpick.
 * 2) *"used to access leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology." Again, how?
 * 3) * "Some of the other Lost Ones expressed doubt over this privately, not willing to cross Ravyr while he had still had access to the Hand of Darkness." Almost non sequitur. Try to connect those two clauses better.
 * 4) *"...droid cadre." This is the third time you've mentioned a cadre. Not really a complaint, but it would be nice if the vocabulary was a bit more varied.
 * 5) *"Already, he was concocting fantasies..." Prosetry.
 * 6) *"Despite this, Ravyr initiated his attack plan immediately." Saying 'despite this' isn't really necessary because Ravyr didn't know about the potential problems with his plan.
 * The battle
 * 1) *"As the personnel manning the base..." Saying something like, 'because' or 'since' would be more natural. Again, nitpick.
 * 2) *"...could not identify it..." They have the 'most advanced technology' yet they are unable to identify the ship?
 * 3) *"To his horror..." Prosetry.
 * 4) *"...commandos immediately began to systematically slaughter the staff there..." Slaughter is PoV. And prosetry.
 * 5) *"Arriving there, he found, as he expected..." Comma splice.
 * 6) *"Ravyr made a grandiose speech..." Prosetry.
 * 7) *"However, Ravyr had failed to realise that passing through the system was a Necasian SkyBull-class transport vessel, with Haveer Jarn, regarded as a hero by his people, and the elite Necasian squad of veterans known as Greyfox Squad, aboard." This sentence has been repeated twice already.
 * 8) *"...an insignificant outpost..." An insignificant outpost with some of the most advance spy equipment available?
 * This is as far as I got on my check-up review. I will not be looking to see if you corrected any further objections until the aforementioned ones are addressed. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 02:49, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) *"Nevertheless, the Necasian transport arrived just ahead of the Sravs on the planet." Obviously, the Necasians changed course first.
 * 2) *"...from the outpost remains." I would reword as 'remains of the outpost' or 'outpost's remains'.
 * 3) *"A few seconds later, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, and killed one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades." Prosetry.
 * 4) *"...timid locals..." PoV.
 * 5) *"The transport landed near the village out of sight..." How does it land near the village but out of sight? Context.
 * 6) *"...he literally bumped into Nataska Vergulva, suprising him." No context. How does she get there? This entire section is told from Necasian PoV.
 * 7) *"As the last clips of ammunition were used up, however, and the commandos prepared for the worst, Srav Yukel fighters swooped overhead..." Deus ex machina. Not an official objection, just pointing it out.
 * 8) *"...the settlement was infested with droids, Vergulva simply replied that they would have to be culled from the air." So at first, she objects retreating because there are droids, but then she insists that the only option they have is to repel the droids from the air?
 * 9) *"...inside the lead one..." Sounds unencyclopedic. Consider rewording.
 * 10) *"However, neither side failed to notice..." So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?
 * 11) *"...Storm Ironwings, heroine of the Zayre..." PoV.
 * 12) *"...Ironwings smashed right through the roof of the complex, protected by her armor, surprising Ravyr and his cronies." Armor would not protect you from such a drop. And 'cronies' is PoV and prosetry.
 * 13) *"...his already comparatively potent abilities." PoV.
 * 14) *"...but was shocked when he merely laughed in response." He can shrug off lightning? What type of powers does this artifact have?
 * 15) *"...Ravyr furiously engaged her directly..." PoV and prosetry.
 * 16) *"...still nonetheless dangerous Rakatan henchmen." PoV.
 * 17) *"However, with Ravyr distracted by the duel, the Rakatan droids had fallen in disarray." Does Ravyr have to consciously command the droids? Context.
 * 18) *"...via parachute to avoid being taken out by the anti-air defenses there." An anti-air gun would easily shred a sluggish paratrooper to bits.
 * 19) *"...where Ravyr was finally getting the upper hand with Ironwings." I believe he has always held the upper hand.
 * 20) *"Although his armour and the healing propeties bestowed on him by the Hand made sure that the barrage was not lethal..." Please specify the powers of this artifact. The Star Forge did not prevent someone from dying, as we have seen through Malak.
 * 21) *"...coupled with the renewed vigor..." Context needed. It's prosetry too.
 * 22) *"By now, Ravyr's armor... other Zayre made their escape." Read my comments above about the artifact.
 * 23) *"...told that the droid army had deactivated itself..." Context. Why did they shut down automatically?
 * Aftermath
 * 1) *"...despite their enmity with them..." Prosetry.
 * 2) *"...the Zayre returned to Ankarr immediately after the battle, in order to continue the fortifications..." Comma splice.
 * 3) *"In addition, both factions started moving the pieces from their weapons away..." Context. Whose weapons are we talking about?
 * 4) *"...and had chosen to depart the planet..." Should read, 'to depart from the planet'.
 * 5) *"...where they had fought for control over the planet." Context? Why would they fight over a desert planet? What planets have they fought over before?
 * 6) *"...and so the Necasian Military and Srav Federation followed the suit of the Zayre, and left the planet." You've said this already in the last paragraph.
 * 7) *"...very few were affected by that..." Be specific. What is 'that'? Nuclear bombings are usually messy, btw, they are rarely containable.
 * Legacy
 * 1) *"The Legacy of the battle..." No need for capitalization.
 * 2) *"...due to the fact that both factions felt many of the people under their jurisdiction may panic from the fact that a new faction of Rakatans were at large in the Galaxy." Why would the people freak out? Aren't their militias reliable enough to defend them? Context.
 * 3) *"...both Jarn and Vergulva were commended by their superiors for their conduct." Why? Their teamwork seemed very one-sided - the Srav were the only ones who benefited.
 * Overall, I'd just like to point out that the idea of nuclear-tipped rocket launchers seems absolutely ridiculous. The artifact used in this article seems to grant Mary-Sue style powers in terms of granting temporary immortality to the user. Contractions are a no-no and please stick to either British or American spelling, but not both (e.g., 'armor' vs 'armour'. Finally, commas are abused way to much in this article. They are used over-excessively and the elongated sentences in which they are present could easily be split into multiple sentences or reworded so they don't need all those commas. Cheers, &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 07:11, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. However:
 * 2) ***Nuclear shells--i.e. containing depleted uranium--exist in real life. So nuclear-tipped RPGs are not that ridiculous.
 * 3) ***So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?--as mentioned a few sentences before, it was stealth-equipped.
 * Read that sentence again. By your wording, you're implying that both sides noticed the stealth-equipped vessel. Just wanted to make sure that's what you're implying. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 18:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) *Other than that, done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:37, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) **Oh, I see. Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:54, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) *JM76 - Round Two:
 * 4) *"...the world belonging to the Necasian Military..." Who are the Necasians? Context.
 * 5) *Saying the Hand of Darkness is like the Star Forge isn't a good analogy because the Hand of Darkness can do several things - granting immortality, negate wounds, resistance to elements - that the Star Forge cannot.
 * 6) *"...leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology..." Who or what is the Infinite Empire? Context.
 * 7) *"Meanwhile, he worked on accessing former Infinite Empire intelligence networks..." How? Explain.
 * 8) *In-universe quotes should remain in the quotes, not in the article itself.
 * 9) *"Unbeknownst to the Lost Ones..." British spelling. Alter to American spelling.
 * 10) *"...with Necasian hero Haveer Jarn..." Hero is PoV.
 * 11) *There is no context given as to why and how the Infinite Empire and their droids made their way to Ahara.
 * 12) *"Coincidentally, Srav heroine..." PoV.
 * 13) *"...as part of a scouting mission into the area." Why are they scouting an insignificant system? In fact, why are they scouting at all? Context.
 * 14) *All instances of 'rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
 * 15) *"...remained fled to Malachor V..." Context on Malachor V.
 * 16) *"...by the sheer amount of punishment..." Prosetry.
 * Enjoy. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 02:49, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. As for the Star Force analogy, both use Force power, so that's what I meant. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:43, 10 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Cruentus's 3rd FAN. Awaiting objections. Unit 8311 Talk!  20:38, 30 November 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) I was wondering when this would be renominated. :)
 * 2) *Infobox
 * 3) **Link to Human.
 * 4) **We use metric system, so 6'3" is 1.905 meters in height. Replace it with that.
 * 5) **For the hair color, I recommend something like 'Gray (originally brown)' since it was last gray.
 * 6) **Eras need to be corrected, assuming you're going by canon eras. They would be 'Rise of the Empire era', 'Rebellion era', and then 'Legacy era'. Notice 'era' is not capitalized, and they need to be arranged in a list format, whether it be with bullet points (*) or with line breaks
 * 7) *Behind the scenes
 * 8) **I'd recommend using your full name as opposed to just your username, so you could refer to yourself in the third person as 'Greenwood', rather than Riff. I would also highly recommend expanding the BTS as it is. More on the development, inspirations, etc. for the character and his story and whatever other behind the scenes stuff you might wish to include.
 * 9) *Categories
 * 10) **I'd recommend alphabetizing your categories. Not required. However, you are missing the species and gender category. Just because he is a cyborg doesn't mean he is no longer a human or a male.
 * 11) *More to come later .--Victortalk 20:38, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) Here's what I could find:
 * 13) *He hoped that his son would find a way to escape the horrors of war by becoming an architect or a dentis...horrors of war is POV. War is not horrofic for a sadist or a mentally disturbed person, but still POV.
 * 14) *Around the age of six, Aurelius secretly accessed holofiles on the greatest battles of the last few millenia in the galaxy and hid them as soon as his parents were nearby....change to 'what were considered the greatest battles' to be safe.
 * 15) *He became quite strong at the pastime,...more POV.
 * 16) *the gritty news of the HoloNet....'gritty' is bordlerline POV. And you should clarify this statement, unless the sports or financial news were gritty as well.
 * 17) *Aurelius Tempest was present during the Erhynradd Massacre...context on what the Erhynradd massacre is.
 * 18) *Tempest wanted to get a look at the Empire's newest toy...either put 'newest toys' in quotation marks like that or replace it.
 * 19) *Tempest was lucky to not have been so close to docking...'lucky' is POV. 'He considered himself lucky', change it to.
 * 20) *I'd also recommend you put the quote in 'military career' to the top of the section.
 * 21) *In the end, the victors were the Imperials; first payback was bittersweet., POV and should be rewritten, as it doesn't make too much sense to me.
 * 22) *their caskets covered up due to the horrendous mutilation...'horrendous' is POV.
 * 23) *Night after night, he would feel attacked, like millions of zenji needles were prodding his body,...prosey. Rewrite.
 * 24) *The only way to deal with his pain was to escape from the facility and to find his family's murderers....more POV.
 * 25) *By the time the securities searched the skies for him...the securities what?
 * 26) *Each time, the murders were more extravagant and could only indicate that the next one would be even bigger....POV
 * 27) *purchase a ship that had good range in firepower....POV, and good range doesn't go with firepower.
 * 28) *The ship would be the pinnacle of his revenge...POV
 * 29) *The machine worked beautifully...POV
 * 30) *He was to the book...reword
 * 31) *a wise move considering they had caught the galaxy in a time...'wise move' is POV
 * 32) *BTS could be expanded a bit.
 * 33) *To conclude, interesting story, but in technical terms the article is a bit behind. Not a fan of the images either, but I'm not holding that against the article. Not a shabby job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  21:22, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 34) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 35) *Introduction
 * 36) **He engaged in many of the famous battles and events of the Galactic Civil War, including the Battle of Hoth, the Battle of Endor, though preferred to keep his accomplishments at a minimum [...] Coordination. There should be an 'and' not a comma in between 'Hoth' and 'the.'
 * 37) *Military career
 * 38) **It was then that he noticed strange looking apelike humanoids being escorted as prisoners out of the complex. Hyphenation. Ape-like, not apelike.
 * 39) ***Ah think that's it. Prepare to take hours to fix it. Muahaha. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  17:59, 13 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) From the imperial Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 41) *Introduction:
 * 42) **“General Aurelius Tempest (born 42 BBY, reborn 38 ABY on Bastion) was one of many Imperial hardliners of the first and second Galactic Empires”. What’s an imperial hardliner? Is that like a foreign policy hawk or a neo-conservative? I’d suggest using better terminology there, and also “hardliner” COULD be considered POV because it begs the question, who is it hardline too? Is it hardline to everyone? I’d also suggest changing the beginning to read “Aurelius Tempest was an Imperial General and one of many…” and then go on from there. Finally, you need to link to both the first and second Galactic Empire.
 * 43) **“at a minimum” - I think the proper terminology is “to a minimum”, but I could be wrong.
 * 44) **Although this isn’t a requirement but rather a strong recommendation, instead of saying “Rebel Alliance” in this first mentioning you should instead say “Alliance to Restore the Republic”. The same will go for the first mentioning of it in the Biography section, which I’ll remind you about once we get there.
 * 45) **“Tempest also took control during the Yuuzhan Vong War” - took control of what?
 * 46) **“to protect entities on multiple planets such as Bastion” - what entities? Are they people? Ghosts? Goblins? Furry rats in a Manhattan dumpster? Also, although it’s not required, you should add a comma after “multiple planets” so it’s clear that Bastion is a planet, not an entity.
 * 47) **“from the invasion force” - what invasion force? Context is needed. Don’t assume that the reader knows what the Yuuzhan Vong War is. You need to give context on this sort of thing.
 * 48) **“Not completely mindless and brainwashed by the Empire’s ideals” - mindless and brainwashed are POV, even if you’re saying that he was NOT mindless and brainwashed.
 * 49) **“full understanding” is borderline POV because that suggests he knew 100% of everything. I suggest removing “full” and just leaving the understanding part.
 * 50) **“marvel at the little things” is, as Wookieepedia calls it, flowery prose.
 * 51) **Give context on what The Tempest Files are.
 * 52) **Give a brief bit of context on why he agreed to work with the rebels.
 * 53) **“during when he met his wife” - poor wording. Change to “during which time he met his wife”.
 * 54) **“horrible” is outright POV.
 * 55) **“leading him to attempted suicide” - I get what you’re going for here, but the wording is awkward. You should change it to “leading him to attempt suicide”.
 * 56) **Saying “fellow Imperial associate” doesn’t make any sense considering he’s not supposed to be part of the Rebel Alliance.
 * 57) **Give a brief bit of context on how he was able to regenerate himself. Not much, but enough to clarify.
 * 58) **“Bloodthirsty” is POV.
 * 59) **How did his hunt across the galaxy end the lives of millions? Context needed.
 * 60) **Understudies? Do you mean underlings? Subordinates might be a better word.
 * 61) *Beginnings:
 * 62) **You mention in the infobox that Tempest was born on Ralltiir, but you’ve neglected to mention it here in the biography. Please do so.
 * 63) **What’s the Ralltiir Guard? Brief context needed.
 * 64) **Is Gonn watching the Naboo incident with great attention relevant to this article? I don’t think so, and it’s not necessary in order to make the point found in the next sentence. I suggest removing the “great attention” part.
 * 65) **Why did Gonn find him harmless? Why was Tempest picked on? How did he become violent? When you’re not working with sourced material, you need to provide proper context and elaboration.
 * 66) **“little Aurelius” - prosey (aka, flowery prose. I’ll use the term “prosey” from here on out).
 * 67) **What’s a holoshooter? Context.
 * 68) **Stating that Gonn was inherently responsible for Tempest’s interest in self-defense is POV. A quick fix is saying that Gonn believed he was inherently responsible.
 * 69) *More later. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 00:57, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) *Military career:
 * 71) **Wow. I’ve told Unit that his quotes were bad before, but this….this is just a really bad quote. In the interest of quality, I really suggest either changing it or removing it, because it's just not funny.
 * 72) **“better adapted” is POV
 * 73) **Who’s Dooku and what is his droid army?
 * 74) **How did he become involved as a Republic strategist? What did he become involved in?
 * 75) **What’s Order 66, and where is this headquarters? What is the headquarters for?
 * 76) **A little context is needed on the rise of the Empire. Also link to the Galactic Empire.
 * 77) **“heavily” in heavily considered is POV. Also, why did he consider running for the Senate? Also, link to the Senate. Why did he instead join the Imperial Army?
 * 78) **What did Gonn feel were “more constructive means”? Also, WHAT did he feel could have been for more constructive means? That whole sentence is poorly worded and doesn’t make much sense.
 * 79) **Link to 7 ABY.
 * 80) **What’s a Death Star? Is that like what happens when a star goes supernova?
 * 81) **Link to 16 BBY.
 * 82) **Again, because this is now the article itself, you need to give context on The Tempest Files. Don’t assume the reader knows what you’re talking about.
 * 83) **What’s Aantooine?
 * 84) **What’s a Spalgar? o_O
 * 85) **“he became inspired to construct” - specify who “he” is. Based on everything else that was said in the sentence, there could be some confusion.
 * 86) **Why did he become inspired to construct the fortress? And what do you mean “of similar magnitude”? Similar magnitude of what? Was this thing big? Similar magnitude could mean the size of a pin head or the size of a galaxy. We don’t know because we haven’t been told.
 * 87) **“Aurelius Tempest was present during the” - why are you giving us his full name again?
 * 88) **“good friend” is borderline POV so I suggest you just change it to “friend”.
 * 89) **What’s the Galactic Civil War?
 * 90) **This is the first time you mention the rebels in the biography section. You need to properly link to either Rebel Alliance or Alliance to Restore the Republic, you need to give context to who they are, and you need to state why he would have been angry with them in the first place.
 * 91) **Why did Tarkin’s loss further fuel his anger?
 * 92) **“against Rebel sympathizers in the system” - what system?
 * 93) **Since you already linked to the overall Death Star article before, link to the first Death Star article when you say “news that the Death Star was nearing”.
 * 94) **“newest toy” really isn’t encyclopedic when you’re not directly quoting it from a quotable source.
 * 95) **I may be wrong, but I believe battle station is two words. If it’s stated differently in canon then ignore this.
 * 96) **What’s Sector N-1?
 * 97) **This explosion that you’re referring to, is it from the Death Star sabotage level that was in Battlefront II? If so, and if there’s an article to that event on Wookieepedia, refer to it and link to it.
 * 98) **What’s quadanium debris? I’d say give context but that’s irrelevant, so I’d suggest just taking out that word and leaving it as just “debris”. Simpler and more effective that way.
 * 99) *More later. Nearly thirty objections for only three paragraphs takes a lot out of a reviewer. I have to say, and this is no offense to you, Riff, but I’m not enjoying this review. So far, I’m pretty disappointed in the overall quality, as my lengthy list of objections likely hinted to, but I’m not a fan of the storyline either. Maybe it’ll get better, but so far he seems like the typical clichéd “he was the best at everything” imperial character that you’ll find on this wiki. Hopefully this is just a misguided first impression based on the beginning of the article. I hope I’m wrong. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 06:17, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) **Just a few notes in response to this. I won't have time tonight to complete the changes to the article.
 * 101) ***While I understand that the reader might not understand everything they come across in the article, do links to existing articles on SWF not help anymore? I realize my creations might need explaining but should I have to explain what everything is outside their articles? If someone does not know what a Death Star, then frankly I don't believe they really belong here.
 * 102) ***If I did not link to an article on Wookieepedia already like I normally would, then I will do so.
 * 103) ***Our article is at starwars:Battlestation but it can be spelled either way.
 * 104) ***starwars:Sector N-1
 * 105) ***The sabotage on the Death Star is seen in the novel starwars:Death Star (novel) but I am unsure if we have an article on that event.
 * 106) ***Not going to remove specific concepts such as starwars:quadanium.
 * 107) **I will take all changes/edits/improvements into consideration. I am sorry that you feel this is not a strong article and that it might come off as too Mary Sue for you but I will attempt to make it shine. --  Riffsyphon  1024 09:24, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 108) *In response to your comment about people not knowing what the Death Star is, I don't think you're understanding the concept of the encyclopedic article. You're not writing the article for Star Wars fans. You're writing it as if it's being written for the world, solar system, galaxy, universe, etc. Not everyone is going to know what the Death Star is, so you need to give context on something like that, and give context on anything else like that. Think of the bigger picture rather than just Star Wars fans. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:10, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) **Fair enough Brandon. I will think of the bigger picture. --  Riffsyphon  1024 09:48, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:29, 1 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Renomination of article after it was demoted to Former Featured Status in August 2008. It has been updated to Ataru's wishes per his list of changes, mostly POV and Prose fixes. --  Riffsyphon  1024 13:23, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * All given instances given by Victor and Unit 8311 fixed/corrected/rewritten. --  Riffsyphon  1024 05:10, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Starting review. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:30, 24 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments
In light of the recent FAN mini-crisis, and due to impatience, I'm pulling this from the GAN to here. Awaiting objections. Unit 8311 Talk!  19:49, 10 February 2009 (UTC)


 * IMO, you should have waited to nominate this until after Ahara and Tahu are done. You still have a litany of objections for both of these articles that will need to be addressed, and because those two have already been started they are obviously going to be prioritized over this. If impatience was part of the reason for pulling this from the GAN page, then I suggest you prepare to be patient here as well. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:32, 10 February 2009 (UTC)