Second Chance/Part 8

Though the Jedi had cleared out a room in the museum for meditation, it would not do. Not for this. The distant cracks of cannon fire deprived the Taanab night of true silence, but after two months they had become a background hum, and Tirien Kal-Di had always found peace in solitude, even when being alone did not mean quiet to the ears or the senses. And so it was that he was taken refuge in the office of an empty speeder dealership—all its wares confiscated for military use—and delved into Empty Meditation, seeking to purge himself of emotions.

Initiates, Padawans, and even Knights often used this state to purge themselves of anger; in a galaxy at war, when Jedi were forced to watch innocent beings die and knew they could do nothing to prevent it, tempers ran high and meditative cleansing became vital. Fear was another common cause for Empty Meditation; Jedi saw comrades and friends come home maimed in body or soul so often it was become routine, and worse still were the friends who did not come home at all, but embraced the dark side and became enemies. Tirien had meditated to purify his mind of both these blights, as well as boredom, annoyance, and occasionally sorrow and regret. But now he had a new emotion to move beyond.

Shame.

Though excused from the formal Trials, Tirien held himself to their standard, so he could not refuse to stand before the mirror and see himself for what he was and what he had done. For the sake of military expediency, he had compelled an ally to act by force of will alone; because he, Tirien Kal-Di, had felt it right, he had exerted his will over a fellow sentient being. It was beyond stereotypical, almost an archetype of a Jedi's abuse of power: he had decided something was right and, because he had the power, made it so.

And in doing so, stepped onto the path of the dark side.

His conscious mind resisted the realization, reminded him that he had acted reflexively, that he had not planned to control the walker's gunner, it had just…happened. But in the infinite expanse of the Force, where every rationalization was left naked for scrutiny, he knew that was no excuse. If anything, it was more frightening.

He was working to grapple with that fear when the Force told him he was no longer alone. Opening his eyes in the darkness, he saw a familiar, lithe form coming toward him. Master Cazars waved a hand, and the office lights came on. Blinking against the sudden brightness, Tirien shifted to a crouch and said, "Master…"

"Don't get up," she said, lowering herself to sit opposite him, and Tirien slowly settled himself again. Like every female Twi'lek Tirien had ever seen, she seemed ageless; her strong features might have been thirty, even though she was nearing fifty. Her skin was the dull green of so many of her species, but that only made her gold eyes more striking. "I thought we should talk."

Tirien bowed his head. "Yes, Master."

He waited, but she didn't speak, and after a moment he said, "It was wrong. It was…the dark side.  I didn't mean to," he added, but he recognized again the desire to appear less at fault, and so he drew a deep breath and said, "but that doesn't make it right."

Master Cazars said nothing, studying him thoughtfully. He had seen her in action so often of late, ravaging the Sith lines, that her stillness was almost discomfiting.

After a quiet moment, Tirien said, "I thought…we spend so long training. A decade as Padawans, decades before Mastery, if we ever make it…the strength of the light takes a lifetime.  I suppose I thought it must be that way for the Sith, too; that they had to devote years of practice and study before the dark side would obey them.  But it came so easily."

The Twi'lek nodded. "That's why the dark side is dangerous; it is easier. Much easier.  It will be there the second you decide that what's efficient is better than what's right.  It's always waiting for us, Tirien, waiting for the moment we stumble.  It preys on every Knight it can catch, but a powerful Knight like you?  It will leap at the slightest opportunity.  That's why we have to be on our guard—and it's why the Sith need to be destroyed.  As long as the darkness has champions, its call gets louder for everyone else."

Taking a brief moment to clear his mind, Tirien said, "I promise I'll learn from this, Master. I won't let it happen again."

She nodded. "I know. I never doubted that."

Tirien blinked, a little wrongfooted by that. "You didn't?"

Elata sighed. "Tirien, I won't deny that some of the Council are concerned by how…isolated you are, but I'm not. Not for this," she added, frowning for a second. "Yes, focus on self can lead to the dark side, but there's peace in solitude, and I know you're committed to the light. You're a good Knight, Tirien; you have the potential to be a great Knight.  I have faith in you."

Little though he felt he merited her praise, Tirien half-smiled, but it lasted only a moment. "Not for this…you didn't come here about the walker?"

"No," the Twi'lek answered. Her golden eyes narrowed, watching him carefully. "I came to talk to you about Narasi."

He frowned. "Is she all right?"

"She's alive and unharmed, but no, she's not all right." The Twi'lek's gaze became accusatory. "The Council instructed you to train her, Tirien. She's your Padawan learner."

"I've…" Tirien started, but Master Cazars's expression blunted whatever he might have said. Sighing, he said, "Things have been…strained, since Gizer."

"Because of Karr Shadeez's death?" Tirien wasn't sure whether she believed that, or just wanted to compel him to speak the words himself.

"Because I told her the truth," he corrected.

Elata covered one fist with the other hand, laying her mouth against her hands for a moment in thought, then looked up and said, "And you think that excuses failing in your duty as her master?"

Tirien narrowed his eyes. "Master, I've said all along I thought this arrangement was wrong. And I think Narasi feels—"

"If Narasi feels this is wrong, it's because you've given her no other choice," Elata interrupted flatly.

Sighing, the Pantoran said, "Master, she can't do the things I can. And that's no fault of hers—"

"No, it isn't," the Twi'lek cut him off. "Because she's not a Knight, Tirien. She's a Padawan learner.  Your Padawan learner.  Only by learning from you can she become a Knight."

"Learning from someone, yes," Tirien countered. "But I couldn't have done the things I've done for the Republic with a Padawan in tow, Master. Surely you must see that."

"Perhaps not," Elata said. "Maybe even likely not. But did it ever occur to you that the Council might want you to do different things?"

Tirien frowned. "Have I disappointed the Council in the work I've done?"

Master Cazars looked like she might need a moment of Empty Meditation herself; her frustration was clear. "Tirien, you and Mali and Slejux and a handful of others are the best Knights we have—you're our best hope for the next generation. You've all succeeded in the tasks we've given you—and because of that, we trust you enough to give you more important work."

A little struck by that, Tirien found he had no immediate reply.

"And no, she can't do everything you can," Elata went on. "But we never expected her to. Did you?  Have you changed your approach to your missions, or have you gone on like you didn't have a Padawan and made Narasi scenery?  That girl has great potential, but you'll never know what she can do unless you let her show you."

Tirien struggled for words. This time she let him work through it in silence until he finally looked up and met those golden eyes. "Master, do you really think this is the will of the Force? I don't care about the Seers or the rest of the Council, what do you think?"

It was edging past the limit of courtesy to a Master, but she seemed to find his frankness refreshing. "Tirien, how many times have you managed to complete a mission because you picked a lock? Or sabotaged a ship system?  Or hot-wired a door?  How many times have you succeeded because your master wasn't a blood-and-thunder Guardian or a mystic Consular, but an oddball Demolitions Master?"

Despite himself, Tirien smiled faintly.

Elata nodded. "You enriched his life and strengthened his service to the Order, and in turn he gave us one of our best Knights. And now you have the chance to take Narasi and help her become a great Knight in turn…and she can help you become the great Knight I know you can be."

She got to her feet. "I'm counting on you, and so is she. Don't let us down."