Talk:Star Wars: The Alderaan Affair/Part VII - A Match Made On Alderaan

Comments
Just had a few general comments about the section you just added today:


 * Leia calls Epin "Ep". She's never called him that before, nor has anyone, so it seems very random and out-of-place. By all means leave it, but you might consider adding some characterization where Epin is thinking about how and why Leia basically just gave him a pet name.


 * Unless I'm misinterpreting something, the Epin touching his sister thing seems really out of character. Epin has struck me as more mature and almost "wise beyond his years" in all of these chapters, so that seems kind of immature to be doing that.


 * If Breha is going to be carrying trays and fruits and all that into the room, you should give her some characterization. Without any of that, it's striking me as very odd why she would be doing that as opposed to servants.


 * I 'd at nerfburger.


 * Just for clarification, Bail is still a Senator at this point, correct? By the time of my Episode IV he won't be the Senator but rather he'll be the Viceroy and First Chairman of Alderaan, so I just want to make sure I've got the continuity correct.


 * I suggest some more characterization for both Bail and Breha while they're eating the burgers. It's funny because you don't expect them to do it, but because you don't expect them to do it then it runs the risk of being out of character without characterization. Some insight into their personalities would be great, especially because this novel so far only really focuses on Leia and Epin's personalities. Don't neglect everyone else!


 * You might want to consider, although this just may be my view, having Leia be the one to go after Epin's leg first. From everything we know about them so far, Leia is much less shy about that sort of thing than Epin. It doesn't seem like something Epin would do.


 * I'd also suggest writing the dialogue for the conversation about the Matching, but only if it wouldn't be redundant from the conversation in the previous chapter and earlier in this chapter. It might provide some more insight into Leia, and how Epin feels about Leia potentially being matched up with someone who's not him.

Overall, another enjoyable read. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:09, 19 March 2009 (UTC)