Dead Falcon

The Dead Falcon Sketch parody of Monty Python's Dead Parrot using George Lucas's characters from Star Wars. This is a work of fan fiction, the characters and original story belong to those listed above.

Han Solo exits the Millinium Falcon and walks up to Lando.

Han: Hello, Lando, I wish to make a complaint.

Lando: You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you pulled..."

Han: Never mind that, I wish to make a complaint about this Falcon that you gave me fair and square after I won that bet.

Lando: Oh yes, the Millinium Falcon...what's wrong with her?

Han: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, the hyperdrive is dead, that's what's wrong with her.

Lando: No, no, it's not dead, it's just resting.

Han: Look, Lando, I know a dead Falcon when I see one, and there's one behind me right now.

Lando: No, no, she's not dead, she's just resting. Remarkable ship, the Millinium Falcon, she flies like a dream.

Han: Flying don't enter into it, she's got a dead hyperdrive.

Lando: No, she's just resting!

Han: All right then, if she's just resting then why doesn't she turn on? I'll push the comlink, shall I? (pushes a button on a small box and nothing happens).

Lando: There, she made a noise!

Han: No, she didn't. That was you rubbing on that piece of metal in your hand.

Lando: I never!

Han: Yes, you did!

Lando: I never, never did anything.

Han (turns around and yells at the ship)Hey, Falcon!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (pushes button nine times, then drops the box on the ground.) Now that's what I call a dead Falcon.

Lando: No, no...No, she's just...stunned.

Han: STUNNED?!?

Lando: Yeah, you stunned her when you pushed the button so many times, just as she was about to fire up. Falcon's stun easily, you know.

Han: Um, now look here, Lando, I've definitely had enough of this. That hyperdrive is definitely deceased, and when I received it not ten years ago you assured me that the sluggish hyperdrive was due to it being tired after running so many parsecs the night before.

Lando: Well, she's...she's...ah...probably pining for her old star system.

Han: PINING for her STAR SYSTEM?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she start malfunctioning the moment I tried her out?

Lando: The Millinium Falcon prefers flying in regular space. Remarkable ship, ain't it? No other ship like her.

Han: Look, I took the liberty of examining that hyperdrive on numerous occasions, and I discovered that the negative power coupling was not even welded on properly in the first place. It was nailed on instead.

(pause)

Lando: Well, of course it was nailed on. If I hadn't nailed it there, it would had fallen off straight away. Voom, Feeweeweewee!

Han: "VOOM"?!? Lando, that part couldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's deader than a nerf-herder.

Lando: No, no, the ship's pining!

Han: She is not pining, she has passed on! This falcon is no more! She has ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet her maker. She is powerless, bereft of speed, she's resting in pieces. If you hadn't nailed that part down she'd be pushing up daisies. She has kicked the bucket, shuffled off her mechanical coil, run down the curtain and invited the empire right in. THIS IS AN EX-FALCON!!!

(pause)

Lando: Well, I'd better put my people right on it then. (he looks around the landing bay). I've got an X-wing.

Han: Well, that's hardly a replacement, is it?

Lando: Well, if you and your friends would like to stay here in cloud city while your ship is being repaired, I'll have my men show you to your quarters. My treat.

Han: Thanks, pal...(to Chewbacca)Keep your eyes open.

Chewbacca: raaoowwwwrrrrr