Talk:The Cantina Revelation

Review
This is a tricky piece, because it’s a character study of a RPG protagonist, and such characters are deliberately ‘blank-slate’ types in order to allow the player to project onto them. Additionally, it is an AU version of the same, but does not precisely reveal that until the very last line (which is in itself a bit unusual, since the Jedi Exile was officially stripped of the Jedi Master title, would she claim it openly?). As a result, while the characterization is consistent and well-put together, I found it lacking in impact.

The overall presentation is fine, there’s nothing glaring and it reads well with solid pacing. However, the writing style here is a bit confusing, there’s a sense of shifting tenses and development that creates remoteness, a whole lot of ‘would have ___’ and similar constructions. Too many unnecessary ‘thats’ (a trap I’m personally familiar with), show up as well. It lacks for immersiveness. Also noticing a tendency to use unnecessary prepositions, and some sentences should be broken apart, using semi-colons rather than strings of commas.

More humorously: ‘thousand million,’ in the first paragraph, errant Briticism?

My bottom line: this is a perfectly respectable piece, providing some insight into a particular choice by a character, but it could be re-worked slightly to be more vibrant and impacting. --Mechalich (Talk) 23:19, February 4, 2012 (UTC)