User:Atarumaster88/Reviews

Welcome to my review page, where I've collected the various reviews of fan-fiction works I've done on this wiki over the years. Some of them are long, some are short. Some are scathing, some are effusive. Their commonality lies in that they are both solely my opinion and characteristically blunt. This page definitely contains criticism, and it is not intended to be feel-good material. You want feel-good material from me on your fan-fic? Go visit Cafe Fanfic in the Fanon Cantina. You want to know if I think your work is worth the keystrokes you expended to write it? Look here.

The standard disclaimer of all critics applies here: the opinions expressed here are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect the opinion of this wiki, its administration, and almost certainly do not reflect the viewpoint of the author. Don't write something just to get validation from an anonymous e-critic, and remember that a critic's opinion is just that, opinion&mdash;though it's usually an informed one. In my case, you can look around this wiki to see my bona fides. I figure I know as well as anybody else what I'm talking about when it comes to fan-fiction, and if you dispute that, then leave this page now. It won't do you any good.

My philosophy
I look at a variety of different things when I judge a work.
 * 1) Is the story interesting? If the plot consists of a caf break, it better be the bloody most eventful caf break in the entire GFFA.
 * 2) Is there a coherent plot? I'm not interested in a scattered selection of anecdotes.
 * 3) How immersive is the story? Does it describe its setting well/provide the reader enough information to visualize the narrative in their mind?
 * 4) What is the quality of the dialogue? If I attempt a dramatic reading of this, am I going to be horrified by the dialogue? (In particular, is it either too melodramatic or flippant?)
 * 5) Are there elements that do not contribute to the plot? This could include random fluff, dangling storylines that don't tie in well, or gratuitous violence, etc.
 * 6) How good is the central conflict in the story?
 * 7) How good are the characters? Are they developed well? How deep are they?
 * 8) Does the work fit within the Star Wars universe, and is it accessible to a Star Wars fan? Personally, I am not interested in stories that belong more on Earth than the GFFA, nor am I impressed by attempts to overall rewrite the laws of SW pseudo-physics.
 * 9) Is the work original? I'm not interested in crossovers. The work can draw heavily on other stories and archetypes for influences, but to cite one particular example, don't hand me a kriffing novelization of Million Dollar Baby in space.
 * 10) How much does the story serve as a vehicle to express the author's opinion on a sociopolitical, religious, or canonical matter? Karen Traviss please take note. Also known as "Don't expect me to read your kriffing soapbox."
 * 11) Can the story stand alone? If I have to read a prequel, or multiple articles to understand it, I'm done.
 * 12) Are there any glaring stupidities in the work that strain the plausibility? (An example of this in canon occurs in TFU, where Galen Marek survives a wound that killed Qui-Gon Jinn AND being tossed into space)
 * 13) Does the work flow? Can the author write and connect their sentences without being overly flowery?
 * 14) Is it technically sound? (e.g. not strewn with grammar/spelling errors)
 * 15) Is the work consistent? (e.g. a mediocre pilot cannot suddenly become the next Baron Fel. And if you don't know who that is, shame on you.)
 * 16) Is the writing not saddled with an overabundance of cliches? I don't expect the work to be cliche-free, but there's a line where it's just too much.
 * 17) Is the story appropriate, or does it contain excessive violence/suffering/angst/sex/profanity purely on authorial whim? I'm not impressed with content that exists solely for shock-value, and if it's in the story, it had better have a good purpose. This isn't The Expendables.

When I rate a story, numbers 1-10 are associated with its narrative aspects. Numbers 11-17 are related to the technical aspect of the story.

While not a good gauge for the quality of the story itself, I also like a good BTS. I could care less about the actual article otherwise.

One last note. I mentally categorize every author I read into a "maturity level" of authorship. I will not judge an author who's written two solid novels and a handful of quality short stories the same as I judge an author submitting their first short story. I expect that with each successive work, a given author will either surpass their previous work, or at very least, come close to the quality bar of their last one. If a first-time author writes a mediocre story, I won't give them nearly the scathing review that an established author would get if they came up with the same level of work.

Let me use an example from SWF, using two authors who have bothered me to read their work enough times that they're fair fodder for this. The first work Brandon Rhea finished was The Tragedy. All in all, it's a fairly unspectacular story. Good, but hardly worth celebrating as one of the top ten short stories on this wiki. I rated it favorably, because it was a vast improvement over Brandon's previous attempts. In contrast, I reviewed A Great Leap Forward by Goodwood, it was his second novel and he had a handful of short stories to go along with it. Let me be blunt: The Great Leap Forward has a mediocre plot, poor flow, shallow characterization, and a cliched borderline Mary Sue of a protagonist. Ah, but it was also very technically sound, and compared to The Tragedy, it wasn't that bad, right? Nonsense. I gave TGLF very low marks and refused to vote on its featured work nomination because it was far below what I expect of an established writer who can and should write something better. Some people might say that's not fair to not rate people the same, that everyone deserves to have their writing reviewed on the same level. Well, as our old friend Arav the Undersith used to say, "Tough titties." You wouldn't expect the same quality out of a second-year film student's work as you would any major Hollywood director, would you?

A nod to MPK is fitting here, as the original post-my-reviews-on-a-subpage guy. If you're upset your work is on this page, consider yourself lucky. MPK is not as forgiving as I.

One final note: I try to be as consistent as possible when I'm writing fan-fiction. I don't when I'm reviewing, so they will vary widely.

Shadows of the Jedi: The Legend of Ussej Padric Bac by Brandon Rhea
Perhaps this thread is meant for gushing praise. If so, then just strike this post. I just read the prologue, and was disappointed. For something so short, there are an awful lot of spelling and wording errors. I fixed the worst, but just in a surface read, I picked up two more. Example: "Troop carries" should be "troop carriers" and the tenses switch a lot from past to present. Just scrolling through Chapter 1, I found that Ussej put "his arms around her waste." Somehow, I don't think that's what was meant. Now, my work, I'm sure has a lot of spelling errors and such also, but it's more than that. It's more than merely the lack of italics for ship names. Perhaps it's because I only read the prologue, but I wasn't impressed with the detail. Nothing was thoroughly described: not the characters, not the planet, not the ships. Ussej could be a 1.3 meter tall midget for all I know. Let me just say that I am not trying to bash on Brandon or his enthusiasm, but he did ask my opinion. I'm a fanfic writer myself, so I am always looking for quality stuff to read and appreciate. Two out of five stars. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 17:18, 17 July 2007 (UTC)

Originally at Forum:Ussej Padric Bac Novel

Heritage (FW) by Aurrasingrules101

 * I (finally) read your entire story, all in a day. I couldn't put it down, and while there were parts that I didn't like, the story as a whole kept my attention riveted. I liked the ending overall, and while I can't compare it to the canonical NJO since that's 22 novels and this is one, I liked this much better than, say, the Dark Nest series. It had a good plot, a mostly engaging villain, and good characterizations of a number of OT and EU characters. I thought you did a particularly good job of handling *ahem* sensitive issues with good taste and the appropriate amount of discretion&mdash;your restraint in resisting the urge to titillate or resort to grotesque imagery is admirable. I liked the various EU tie-ins and homages to various other Star Wars works, and the way you brought in all the different characters was overall nice-I had my favorites and least favorites, but nice job overall. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Baci seemed to be based off of some early concepts for the Yuuzhan Vong. However, I still miss LANDO. You can't have a good epic EU novel without the smoothest gambler in the galaxy, IMO, but the work doesn't suffer (much) from his absence.  A few minor quibbles: it needs to be line-by-line read over again&mdash;in particular, there are some small copyedits that could be done. For example, and I'm guessing this is a holdover from TFN, there's some unusual coding that I suppose is supposed to be for italicizing. You might run a search for that using Ctrl+F in Firefox. Another thing is that I had no problems following all the EU characters and places and ships and stuff, because I browse and edit Wookieepedia on a regular basis&mdash;an EU junkie, if you will. However, for less informed readers, some areas, particularly when introducing lesser known characters (Cilghal, for one, or Tycho), a paragraph or two on their history and appearance wouldn't be out of place. The villain was, well, he wasn't as interesting as he could have been, as it seemed his background and character were sort of skimmed over and not delved into. Perhaps that was intentional. Overall, though, this story is riveting despite my minor complaints and dislikes of some parts, I was impressed with its quality and flow. I tried to make mostly technical commentaries and refrained from all but the most general comments on the story itself&mdash;I can do that if you want. On the other hand, if you're willing to put a good copyedit (read through and make small edits to fix grammar and such), I'd be happy to nominate this for Star Wars Fanon's first featured work.  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 04:42, 21 October 2008 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:Heritage

Knights of the Old Republic: Convict's Dawn (FW) by Jedi Master 76
I just finished Convict's Dawn for the second time and so have decided to post some thoughts in a little review. Having read through it twice has given me the opportunity to pick up one some of the smaller things about this work, and it was well worth the second run.

The author does an excellent job of immersing you in the story. You're right there with Zaen as he tries to determine his identity, you're right there battling Sith troopers with Gaiel. There is a lot of good interplay with scenes and settings from the Knights of the Old Republic video game&mdash;fans of that game, its sequel, or the comics spun off from it will appreciate these. There was a lot of borrowed imagery that helped with that, and it was all good. I felt the dialogue itself flowed fairly easily&mdash;some of the longer speeches were a little awkward, but nothing excessive. I got a good sense of character development through most of the novel, a tricky task given the author's unorthodox scheme of setting up the time. Indeed, the time jumps made it a bit confusing, and I came away wishing I knew more about what went on during that year&mdash;especially how Zaen became decent with a lightsaber and more on Telerus' backstory. I'm sure the author plans to address this in a sequel, but is just cashing in on the prospect of a cliffhanger ending.

I liked the storyline. It engaged me, drew me into it. I felt I could understand almost all of it, but again, that year-long-gap really leaves me wanting more. No work is perfect, though, and I did find a few rough spots, though. I found Cadasta's reaction to Mal's loss a little light, almost unbelievable given that they were fairly close. It seemed a bit surreal that she was okay-it didn't seem to me like she was just putting on a front. Another weakness I saw was that the fight scenes seem to have people absorbing a lot of damage and very little medical attention is meted out afterward. A classic example is Zaen's fight with Celsus. The scene, oddly reminiscent of (LotF spoilers) had people, specifically Zaen, absorbing lots of damage and shrugging it off. I also found it a little startling how Zaen got control of a ship on Taris that fast, and for only 500 credits. It seems to indicate he's just catching a ride on it, but the book also indicates that he's taking control of the ship. I felt some of the transitions were a bit confusing, like from Gaiel to Zaen on Dantooine, or from Bolook to Zaen. This didn't happen often, but it threw me off for a second when it happened.

Lastly and the most vexing, the dialogue structure was somewhat haphazard. Maybe it's just personal taste, but I like to see it as flowing into the sentence instead of being separate. An example would be:

''"I am a Jedi, like my father before me." Said Luke to the leering Emperor.''

That's how this story would probably write it. I would use something slightly different, as in

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me," said Luke to the leering Emperor.

These are all fairly small things, and IMO, the fact that a critic is demanding a sequel is a generally a good thing, especially for an author just-starting. I enjoyed all the subtle references to other Star Wars works, fanworks, and the non-Star Wars works&mdash;the author certainly didn't lie to me when he said it was lighter-hearted, which is a welcome relief from some of the EU you see on the bookshelves these days, but I digress. I had a chuckle several times throughout the reading. All in all, I'd give this work a four out of five stars. For a first work, it's quite good&mdash;a little rough around the edges, but fans of the KotOR era will be impressed by the storytelling. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 06:10, 9 August 2008 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:Knights of the Old Republic: Convict's Dawn

The long-awaited re-release of the Knights of the Old Republic epic has finally coalesced into its (hopefully) final version. After enduring nearly as many rewrites as something written by Brandon Rhea, Convict's Dawn is now available for readers. It traces the stories of a wide range of characters with diverse traits, from the protagonist, a surly Sith-candidate named Raen Benax to the beautiful yet wild Ralina Venli to the stalwart Nautolan Jedi Gaiel. The broad brush with which author Jedi Master 76 paints his characters is a strength of the story, showing the range of his characterization ability. The story is quite interesting and will quickly lure in fans of the Knights of the Old Republic series. The overall tone of the story may have some dark themes woven into it, along with some intense violence, but it is punctuated by humor and brevity, forming a nice balance overall. One minor quibble of the battle scenes don't flow quite as well as you might expect, with occasional straining of the suspension of disbelief. A bit more internalization couldn't hurt, but the ample descriptive sentences do a good job of taking readers from the fields of Alderaan to the slums of Taris, and the dialogue fills in most of the necessary emotional context. The author leaves a lot of unanswered questions regarding many of the key characters, which the sequel will hopefully reveal, but until then, I recommend this work of fiction. 4 out of 5 stars for technical merit and 5 out of 5 stars for narrative merit. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 18:22, January 9, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Convict's Dawn

The Seventh Star (novella) (FW) by Katana Geldar
So, I finally got around to reading this, after having seen it lying around in Category:Novels. (I haunt that from time to time, looking for stories) A couple minor mechanics things: Chapter 8 has some confusion between Bolar and Balor. Furthermore, the correct spelling is Nautolan. In general, I thought the writing in Chapter 8 was a bit weaker, particularly the lack of a clean transition from Jali's and Tira's talking about the case to well&hellip;other things. I also had a hard time picturing the people and places in the story. The plot was interesting, the characters were well-conceived, realistic, and compelled me to read the story, but I really wished throughout the whole thing that there was more description. That, and a lack of internalization, seemed to be the weaknesses of The Seventh Star. I know that that sort of thing is stylistic, especially internalization, which if overdone can quickly bog a story down, but it's my belief that the novel would greatly benefit from a descriptive buff to help paint the picture, set the stage, and any other metaphors for description that one cares to toss out there. Thanks for the read. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 16:35, 7 January 2009 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:The Seventh Star (novella)

Imperial Treachery by Nightmare975
Did a quick gloss-over of the story thus far as I was doing my Archivist thing, looking for new stories. I'll give you this, the storyline has me intrigued. That's a start. To formulate an interesting plot with characters that catch my interest is good, and it's more than I've seen from others. That said, the grammar in this book literally drove me to facepalming of epic proportions. If you have somebody else proofreading this for you, shove a grammar book down their throat and fire them. If it's you, well, let's just say there's room for improvement. I'd list the grammar errors, but this work really runs the gamut of errors thus far--both in variety and frequency. Two of the most painful ones: Your opening sentence, the first impression you make on readers, is forty-eight words long. It is a horrible run-on and gives an awful impression. Second, it's Isard. I-S-A-R-D. Not Issard. The fact that this is incredibly easy to check the spelling on thanks to Wookieepedia makes this kind of repeated error inexcusable. This thing has potential. It's not meritless trash. It just needs to be smacked by the grammarbat with incredible force. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 05:58, 20 August 2009 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:Imperial Treachery

Rakata (FW) by Solus
Rakata is the first released short story by Solus and it's best categorized as a horror story. However, Rakata doesn't plumb the depths of the gruesome or the macabre&mdash;that would be too blunt of an approach. Instead, it teases the reader all the while setting them up for the eventual horrific realization of the true nature of the protagonist. It dodges around racy and gory scenes, saying a little and implying a lot, but the reader understands that the story of the protagonist is half Fahrenheit 451, half Nineteen Eighty-Four. The conclusion of the story is perhaps apparent to the reader a bit quickly, but that doesn't mean that they'll want to put it down. The only drawback is that the grammar is a bit confusing at first due to some peculiar conventions and liberties with narrative perspective. 4 out of 5 stars for technical quality and 4.5 out of 5 stars for narrative merit. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 02:23, October 8, 2009 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Rakata (short story)

Golden Age of the Republic: Hidden Truths by Fiolli
A year after I made my comment above, I've finally finished reading Golden Age of the Republic: Hidden Truths. The final verdict is, it's a good, solid read, but I didn't know that it would be until the second segment. Truth be told, the novel starts kinda slow, and one minor quibble is the use of ambient lighting in space. Niggling grammar errors, specifically related to missing words and tense, pop up at about 10 per segment, and there are some Warsian expressions that could be substituted&mdash;e.g. "holoprojector" for "hologram machine." The plot quickly picks up, though, engrossing the reader in a fast-paced planet-hopping chase as Evening Delwynn follows a trail of bodies to track down a mysterious criminal. The characters are well-written and interesting, and the dialogue seems natural, though a bit snappy at times. The author skips over most of the supporting characters' backstories except for brief tidbits&mdash;everyone's except Delwynn's, that is, in favor of moving the mystery along. A shame that more of them aren't allowed to interact with people other than Delwynn for prolonged periods of time&mdash;the Asara and Dastari interplay has a lot of potential, for one.

Basically, I liked the story. Had a nice plot, characters were solid, and the suspense was definitely there&mdash;pacing was spot on. At one point, I was suspecting one of the team members of being in on the conspiracy. It needs some polishing, though, and for the next installment in the work, it'd be interesting to see some of the other characters get a bit more development, although the focus on Delwynn certainly works well for the first installment. Also, since there's not a full BTS for this work, it's hard to tell, but I'm pretty sure I picked up some serious influences from a certain television show. It's not just one character&mdash;it's multiple. Dastari, the Medical Examiner, Shalli, Asana, even Delwynn have parallel characters with many of the same attributes. . . this could just be wild speculation, but it seems a bit more than coincidental. Anyway, once again, good read, Fiolli, though I would recommend you do a thorough proofreading before submitting it for FW. After that, I'd be happy to look it over and support. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 05:09, January 18, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:Golden Age of the Republic: Hidden Truths

River (short story) (FW) by MPK
River is the first published short story that I've read from author MPK and it's one of those special stories that makes you keep reading all through the end. The second time I read it was even better than the first time. River tells a tale of a single microcosm that embodies the conflict between light and dark and he does it without a line of dialogue. Readers looking for a deep character sketch or moving dialogue will be disappointed, because River doesn't concern itself with something so trivial as individuals. Its focus is the conflict between light and dark, and while there are individuals that play important roles in the story, the entire narration is centered around the clash itself, with the individuals involved only serving as devices to move the plot along. They are nameless, speechless creatures, but the conflict, the conflict in River is alive and visceral. This is possibly the best fiction that I've read that was not focused on characters and I could find very few flaws in it. I strongly support this work and encourage all readers to take the time to truly appreciate the depth of the conflict portrayed in River. 5 out of 5 stars for narrative merit, 4.5 out of 5 stars for technical merit. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 18:02, February 3, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/River (short story)

Breakfast in Bedlam by Trak Nar
Pretty good short story, Trak. Not too long, not too short. Pacing, length, and dialogue all seem to work pretty well and the characterization was thorough and interesting. I lol'd at the crazy Lepi. I thought certain parts of the prison and the psychiatrist's office could have been described a bit more. One larger complaint was the shifting tense from past to present to future. It's pretty rare to see a story written mostly in present tense, but the shifting nature made it harder to read than it needed to be. In terms of story, all the characters and plot were well-done, though I thought there was a bit of author bias on social issues creeping into the psychiatrist character and to a lesser extent Toryn Farr. 3 out of 5 for technical, 4 out of 5 narrative. Good read. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 02:56, February 6, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:Breakfast in Bedlam

The Tragedy (FW) by Brandon Rhea
The Tragedy is possibly the shortest fan work you'll ever read by veteran author Brandon Rhea, and yet it sticks to the tried and true philosophies that have long-governed the works-in-progress that Rhea is writing. The focus is on the characterization, with a deep and introspective look into the mind of a Sith Lord who isn't obsessed with power or conquest. Instead, in an "alternative" perspective, the Sith Lord is less concerned with galactic conquest and the destruction of the Jedi Order and is more resigned to his fate. It's an interesting take to see how a Sith could be so resigned to his fate, and it's certainly contradictory to many of the portraits of Sith characters that have been painted in canon. However, this is fanon and so I digress. Fans of the Alternative Star Wars Saga will enjoy the tie-ins with one of the central (and longest-lived) characters while those who prefer their Sith Lords more subdued and less pure evil will appreciate the melancholy nature of Plagueis. The descriptions are well-constructed, the characterization is fairly deep for a story of its size, and the plot keeps the reader interested, and certainly doesn't disappoint with various twists. The main complaint is that some of the dialogue is reminiscent of some of the cheesiest Star Wars cliches, though whether these are intentional homages or not will be up to the reader to decide. Aside from a few other minor technical issues and a bit of forgivable melodrama, this is a good story. 4 out of 5 narrative, 4 out of 5 technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 15:40, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Star Wars: The Tragedy

Knights of the Old Republic: Vanguard of the Republic (FW) by Jedi Master 76
Vanguard is another excellent piece of work in the Days of Dissidence series. The author transitions from the eccentric characters and wry humor-amid-conflict that epitomized Convict's Dawn into the grittier war drama of Vanguard seamlessly. The central character, known affectionately as "Rookie", displays the internalization that I thought was somewhat lacking in Convict's Dawn, while the combat scenes are also an improvement from JM 76's earlier work. It is well-written, an enjoyable story, though I couldn't help but feel that a few narrative and descriptive flourishes were missing that could embellish the work further&mdash;it wasn't quite as memorable as Convict's Dawn, which I chalk up to the author's lower page count to let the reader connect with the Rookie. The strain and horror of war are illustrated in this work, not so much through physical destruction and despoiling, but through the corruption of mind and heart, a more insidious consequence of war. Though traces of the author's irony-and-humor-laced style remain interwoven through the dialogue of some of the characters, especially the clueless "Rookie", Vanguard pulls no punches. Fans of war dramas and the KotOR era will enjoy this well-written short story. 4.5/5 technical, 4.5/5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 16:56, June 11, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Knights of the Old Republic: Vanguard of the Republic

Star Wars: Death and Life (FW) by Goodwood

 * The first work that I've read by Goodwood, Death and Life is an aptly-titled story about a member of the Republic marines, Laera, who was brought back to life by the machinations of none other than KotOR's diabolical duo&mdash;Revan and Malak&mdash;after being killed in combat. The story seems to transition very quickly, as if it's uncertain whether it's a character sketch focusing on Laera, a prequel for another work, or a more conventional drama. The end result is an amalgamation of all three genres and while I don't mind genre-defying, the story becomes a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. However, when it comes to the actual prose, there's nothing uncertain about it. Goodwood tells his tale with a rich and diverse vocabulary, using a style that flows fairly well, though a bit fast at times. The author clearly has familiarity with the jargon and usage of the military and intersperses that terminology and to an extent that mindset in the story. The characters have their own distinct personalities and are well-characterized, except for Revan and Malak, who are written as aloof and enigmatic, pointing to a sequel. Dialogue and description are also well-done, though the best samples of the latter element are found in the first part. The bottom line&mdash;do I recommend this story? Sure. It's a good read with a complex plot and the muted cliffhanger (hillhanger? ridgehanger?) will leave readers and especially fans of the KotOR era looking for the next installment. 4.5/5 technical, 3.5/5 narrative. Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 17:39, June 11, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Star Wars: Death and Life

A Marine Went to Jedi Camp (FW) by Goodwood
A Marine Went to Jedi Camp is the quirky title of the sequel to Death and Life by Sean "Goodwood" Nash and it tells the story of how Laera Reyole, the resurrected Marine, becomes resurrected Marine-turned-Jedi. Because of that, you'll find the polished prose structure and diction, careful attention to story-telling, and overall good form that are trademarks of his style. However, like most sequels, it's not quite up to the same standards as the original. If you took the second third of I, Jedi, down to some of the same cheesy cliches that Stackpole invented, and reset it in the KotOR era, the result would be something similar to A Marine Went to Jedi Camp. The conflict and self-discovery of Laera Reyole that is supposed to be the central theme of the story is muted, and unfortunately some of that muting is done by showing how fast and capable a learner Laera is and how everyone generally puts up with her even with her attitude. My biggest complaint though, is that Laera rarely ever has any serious emotional conflicts about her new role. The story winds its way through without any major resolution because there's no issue to resolve. That said, I can't complain about having another story with the level of writing that Goodwood presents on SWF. A lot of authors here could learn about how to write prose from a technical prospective from Goodwood and the storytelling isn't that shabby either. 4.5 out of 5 technical, 3 out of 5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 21:25, September 28, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/A Marine Went to Jedi Camp

The Last Full Measure (FW) by Goodwood
The Last Full Measure is a much more upbeat and dramatic story than some of Goodwood's previous offerings and shows his continued maturation as a writer. There's a definable external conflict now underscoring the excellent prose, dialogue, and description that have always been cornerstones of his work and that gives TLFM some extra kick that his series was needing. The prose is well-structured, the pacing is good, and from a technical standard, there's very little missing. However, whether you'll like the story or not depends if you identify with, sympathize with, and like Laera Reyole and the direction her character has taken. As Goodwood graduated to full-fledged novels, I was hoping to see some more dimensions of his story-telling open up in TLFM, but that didn't happen&mdash;the novel remains firmly focused on Laera, her story, and her POV. That's not bad, but it means that the work entirely revolves around her success as a character, which leads me to my last point. Laera is a well-developed character with a unique personality and even some flaws, but the ending just isn't suitably climactic to do her justice. The assault on Revan's cruiser is almost textbook and what had the potential to be the most epic duel of the series gets two paragraphs of text. The suspense and plot twists were there up until the end, but then, just as it reached the finish line for a triumphant conclusion, it fell flat. I give Goodwood his points for doing the near-impossible for ratcheting up his technical prowess as a writer to an even higher level, but I feel his narration could still use some more development. That's not to say that everything about the story is negative; quite the contrary. The Last Full Measure is probably one of my favorite of Goodwood's stories and it's a good read right up until a less-than-stellar end that still beats out the average story here by light years. 5 out of 5 technical, 3.5 out of 5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 02:02, December 20, 2010 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/The Last Full Measure

Through Glass (FW) by MPK
As mentioned, this story by veteran author MPK traces the path of a female Revan through a tomb on Korriban. There's an excellent blend of dialogue, introspection, and action, and the tomb is described well enough that you can almost see yourself playing through it in one of those impressive levels sculpted by Bioware for their RPG games. The plot was intriguing and kept the reader engaged in the story and despite the focus on a single character, it was well-developed and presented a variety of scenarios and emotions. I honestly could find nothing worth mentioning other than the occasional sticky wording. 5/5 narrative, 4.5/5 technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 05:58, February 21, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Through Glass

Freedom (short story) (FW) by Sakaros
Freedom is author Sakaros's first foray into the FWN arena, after some poking and prodding by yours truly. He delivers with Freedom, cooking up a short story that's engaging and suspenseful. Freedom is short, but it's fast-paced and filled with tension. In a longer work, I'd like to see more development and in particular, the description of the environments and settings of the story is lacking the level of detail that I attribute to truly magnificent stories. All in all, I do recommend Freedom and look forward to seeing more from this author, whose cliffhanger ending leaves us dangling in suspense. 4.5/5 technical, 3.5/5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 02:07, June 13, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Freedom (short story)

The Suppression (FW) by Fiolli
The Suppression is the first entry from Fiolli to join the ranks of Featured Works and, in this writer's opinion, it's about bloody time. Fiolli encapsulates a riveting, gritty tale of defiance and sadism in his short story The Suppression and while it's not a long work, it's packed with engaging character interactions and development. The only downside is the length means that some of the surrounding context into the greater story is missed by a casual reader, and there are a lot of references to other events or people. 3.5 out of 5 narrative, 4.5 out of 5 technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 17:49, October 17, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/The Suppression

The Cantina Revelation (FW) by Goodwood
The Cantina Revelation marks a shift away from Goodwood's usual cast of original characters to reach into the mind of his take on the Jedi Exile. It's a short character piece centered on the mindframe of a truly-exiled Jedi and what that psyche would represent. While it might be a different woman in the protagonist's chair, the same polished writing and careful attention to detail that characterizes Goodwood's writing remains. The writing and characterization are solid, yet the pacing feels like it was either part of a larger work cut short or a shorter work trying to stretch itself out. The pivotal conversation at the end hinges all too quickly for my tastes. Still, a well-written addition to Goodwood's collection. 5/5 technical, 4/5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 03:36, October 21, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/The Cantina Revelation

Jaq In His Box (FW) by Goodwood
Jaq in the Box is yet another short KotOR-era standalone story. Technically sound as always from Goodwood, yet the prose is limited by poorly-conceived canonical backstory whose deficient quality is not much improved by the author's treatment of it. If you thought KotOR II had good writing, you probably won't notice. This story is not for the squeamish either. I personally am not as enthusiastic about it, though the Christ-figure allusions in the character of Aewa are a nice touch. 3/5 narrative, 4.5/5 technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 03:57, November 7, 2011 (UTC) Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Jaq In His Box

The Passing (FW) by Fiolli
The Passing is Fiolli's second Featured Work and it's aptly named. This work captures the anguish of losing a loved one with its painful ache and sense of loss. The story is short, but the depth of characterization and writing is such that readers can easily identify with the protagonists. Once the actual "passing" occurs, I feel the father figure is a bit too quick to conceal his grief after his previously frank expressions of sadness. It works, but perhaps not quite as well as it can. That is but a very slight comment against an otherwise gripping work. I highly recommend The Passing, though I also suggest a box of tissues for the soft of heart. 4.5 out of 5 narrative, 5 out of 5 technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 02:39, November 2, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/The Passing

War Stories/Wounded (FW) by Tesh Vohore
Wounded is a short story by Tesh Vohore that tells the story of a mercenary disfigured during the Stark Hyperspace War. While the story is set years afterward in the context of a casual conversation with a woman at the bar, the crux of the story is told either in reminiscing or in flashback. The author does a good job of describing and contrasting the before-and-after of his protagonist. I liked how thoroughly detailed the work was in setting up the environments&mdash;unlike many other works, I had no problems visualizing what was happening. On the other hand, the characterization is a bit shallow and the dialogue has room for improvement. A good showing for the author's first FWN. 4/5 narrative and 4/5 technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 23:37, November 8, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Wounded

Legends of the Jedi: Burning Bright (FW) by MPK
Legends of the Jedi: Burning Bright, like the other stories written by renowned author and critic MPK, centers on a very few characters. Also following his pattern, the protagonist is a Force-user, clashing against a central antagonist. However, this simplistic character arc is layered inside a story rich in description and characterization. I enjoyed the narrative structure of a "story within a story," an arrangement uncommon in fan-fiction. Burning Bright contains all the hallmarks of an excellent story. While the dialogue is a little sloppy at times, it is otherwise well-written. 4.5/5 technical, 5/5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 05:15, November 27, 2011 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Legends of the Jedi: Burning Bright

Redbound (FW) by Mechalich
Been meaning to check out your work for some time since you stopped by on IRC. My first impressions are that the story is pretty good, definitely above average for this wiki, and I'm glad you posted it. There are a few recurring things that pop up ("Dark Side" is never capitalized) and the occasional spelling error (fillegree vs filigree) but they're not glaring.

It reads rather like a level from a first-person-shooter video game from Zhou's perspective, and has about the same amount of minimal characterization. He's described as a good leader and a courageous red-blooded soldier with a head for tactics. He has a lot of respect for combatants and little for civilians or combat drones. He's Generic Military Hero #42, in other words. I haven't read Shakvail yet so maybe he's expounded on more there. The story's description tends more towards the lean, which is probably appropriate given the choice of narration. Still, the combat made sense. It wasn't overdone, and I could follow every motion of it vividly. Probably the story's strongest point is that the combat is well-done.

There are four things that seem to be done solely because they're cool. First off, the boarding of the enemy ship to send a message. Insofar as I understand, the original ship hasn't been disabled to the point where it has no communications. Why board the Separatist ship? Second, the other guards' adulation of Zhou seems misplaced. They're all sounding like grim soldiers about to make a heroic last stand, but most of them aren't even scared or terrified. For that matter, neither are the passengers, who are either remarkably calm or petrified. I'm not necessarily buying that level of profundity given that these people aren't soldiers at all. Third, you have Zhou carrying Aracya at one point. The guy has already kicked a door and been shot in the thigh, and he's doing a full-body lift. Only her foot and shoulder are seriously injured and it'd be more understandable if he looped her good arm around his neck and walked her over to the escape pods (the actual term for this eludes me) so she didn't have to put weight on her foot but he didn't have to carry her weight. No, he full-body-carries her because that's what heroes do. Last off, why is he kicking a durasteel door anyway? Wouldn't it be more effective if she just used telekinesis?

On a technical level, I'm not fond of the way the dialogue is interspersed into the text. In most instances, it's understandable, but there are a few that are confusing.

"“Jedi?” it came from a dozen or more throats. “There’s no Jedi aboard.” Someone, Zhou thought it might have been a passenger, added."

- Redbound

Tacking on the attribution at the end makes it read somewhat awkward. Another thing unusual is that there's no distinction made between description and Zhou's thoughts, which makes part of it read like the story slides between first and third-person perspective in the middle of paragraphs. If the story was written from first-person, it'd make much more sense, but having nothing to distinguish the narrative from the "voice in his head" is kinda clumsy. Overall, the technical proficiency of the story is pretty solid, but there's any number of little things like comma splices and lack of commas that hurt it.

In summary, Redbound is a pretty good read, probably FWN material. The combat is excellent and the plot twist in the middle is well-executed, though of course there are weak points. Personally, I'd like to see it cleaned up and submitted for FWN because I think it has potential. An unfortunate side effect of reviews is that they harp on the negative, but my hope is that my comments are seen as constructive and can help improve the story. I'll give it 3/5 narrative and 3/5 technical in its present state, subject to improvements. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 22:47, February 5, 2012 (UTC)

Originally at Talk:Redbound/story text

Impact Events by Goodwood
Finally finished reading Impact Events. As I expected from a novel written by Goodwood, the technical polish is superb. Out of all the major writers on SWF, I'd rate Goodwood as generally the most polished writer. If the finesse of the author's writing appeals to you, you'll like Impact Events.

Overall, though, the narrative is disappointing on a holistic level. Impact Events lacks a defining conflict. It has a bunch of little conflicts, but doesn't particularly delve into them. This can work, but only if the reader is allowed to strongly resonate with the protagonist(s) and their journey,. I don't get that sense in Impact Events.

If you're avoiding spoilers, skip down to the end of the review.

If the novel wanted to have a central defining conflict, it should have stopped with the exorcism on Silas and actually fleshed out that plot. The reader almost has to have read TGLF right before reading this, because there are many references to Sa'ari culture. I read TGLF about a year ago and I couldn't tell you what a lighter is. There's just not enough context, especially for readers who are not emotionally invested into the S'aari.

There was so much potential. Laera was going to adapt to life in this new era with Silas. Then boom, aurodium parachute. Toss in a couple canon-friendly sidekicks, who join up with her because she's cool and a vision conveniently told them to find her. Add in HK-47, because he's cool. And a member of the author's invented species, because they're cool too. The fact that any element of hardship was summarily scrubbed from her life in a few pages of writing was a huge disappointment.

Never mind the incongruity of all these throwback things still being good 3500 years later for no good plot reason at all. The most ridiculous was eating bruallki from 3500 years ago. In fact, the ship and its contents are perfectly intact after 3500 years. Yes, I'm fully aware that it was vacuum-sealed, but that means no power failure, seismic event, battle, accident, or weather event disrupted that seal for 3500 years. Next, a 3500-year outpost is still intact and in working order. There could have been some tension and danger, but she just waltzes in through a secret entrance, which is still intact because erosion and tectonics have done nothing on Bad Alshir for 3500 years.

Let's add onto that the incredulity of the Bank of Bothawui holding an investment fund for 3500 years. It's such a contrived occurrence. With all the strife that happened in that time period, no major economic collapse or invasion ever ruined that investment? And not only does she get filthy rich, she gets a cool ship that is still an effective combatant and has a hyperdrive in comparison with current ships. For that matter, the bunch of Uglies it fights were obsolete thirty years ago. These must be the dumbest (or the poorest) pirates in the galaxy. You'd think there'd be more surplus military gear after the YVW and 2GCW. What would have made sense was for Laera to use her newly-acquired wealth to buy a ship rather than having an ancient freighter destroy an entire pirate band like it's Empire at War versus the AI. The closest analogy I can think of is Laera using the HMS Bounty to fight off Somalian pirates. Silas says "the tech hasn't changed that much either," which is a convenient way to explain away why Laera has a cool ship from the throwback era and why Silas can somewhat fly it.

I also had high hopes for Asyr and Ooryl, but after they meet Laera, they become nothing more than sidekicks. They are relegated strictly to supporting characters and get no development. I had high hopes for the scene where Bellinega is expelled from Silas's mind, but it happens relatively quickly and rather than persuading her, they just push her out until she's too weak to continue. It was a wasted opportunity to do something beside the brute force approach.

I did not care for how Laera was characterized either. There's self-pity from Laera, both from Silas' perspective and hers. "She had had enough of this, constantly being dumped on by an uncaring universe." I mean, jeez, must suck having arrived forward in time only to get billions of credits and a crew full of sidekicks. It'd make more sense if she expressed significant grief for all the people that were lost&mdash;but she doesn't. She's not that confused or hurt by being hurled 4000 years in the future. Culture shock is minimized. She gets a Force vision that tells her exactly what to do with herself. She doesn't once vocalize the fear that she might lose Silas during his stint at being possessed. When she's mentally "raped," it takes her less than two pages to reconcile and forgive the assailant. Silas is so whipped that he's not even angered when she tells him what happened.

There were a few other minor things in the story that just made me cringe. In Chapter 2, the Bothan species is established as having shrunk by .25 meters over 3500 years, but the language is the same. I'm sure excuses could be made about how Bothan culture has evolved very little over 3500 years, but it's so starkly out of contrast with reality that I didn't care for it. It's a convenient excuse to prevent any kind of real culture shock. Laera also uses the Force on the Bothan waitress in Chapter 2 unnecessarily. I could be wrong, but randomly using the Force was not something in her character in previous books. Chapter 3 also states that they have no idea about inflation, yet Laera estimates how much things would cost in order to live/eat when they sell their marine gear. Chapter 3 also has a droid walking around with a blaster rifle on a civilized world. Which seems illegal, given NEGTD's comment on assassin droids being restricted. Chapter 4 has Laera and Silas falling asleep en route to their award, because sitting in a luxury speeder surrounded by armed guards apparently incites no adrenalin in them. "As good as beskar'gam, for whatever that's worth. Heavy, though.” No, sorry, Silas, nothing from 3500 years ago is as good as Traviss's plot armor. This is the author attempting to correct/molest existing canon. Lastly, the two worst-contrived names in Goodwood's entire body of work: "the WTF bomb" and the "Jiphad" (jihad) references are neither clever or funny. I literally facepalmed at both of them.

Spoilers end

If The Great Leap Forward was a step forward in Goodwood's writing, Impact Events is two steps back. The disjointed plot, unbelievable scenarios, and weak characterization finally overpower Goodwood's technical skill in writing. Now, I am fully aware that one of my own works has this same sort of journey-oriented story rather than a central conflict. So as to not be hypocritical, 1) that's a weak point in the work, and I've matured as a writer since my first piece of fan-fiction 2) that work is having its ending cleaned up to streamline the meandering plot, 3) if I can say so, the characterization and more believable plot scenarios work somewhat in its favor. That's up for dispute, of course, but I'm not judging IE solely based on its lack of central conflict, because stories can work without one.

I wanted to like Impact Events, but in the end, there wasn't enough to like. I predicted the ending after Chapter 9 and only Chapter 13's slight plot twist (addressed in 2 pages of terse text that spilled into Ch. 14) deviated from that prediction. All of the characters except Laera and Ari are flat. The antagonists are laughably weak, as are the obstacles posed to the protagonists. If Laera had many things handed to her on a silver platter in the earlier installments of the series, it was replaced by an aurodium table and place setting in Impact Events. I don't get the title either.

In conclusion, I only recommend Impact Events to those who are ardent devotees of Goodwood's writing and want to read what happened next. I feel it's a disappointment on the narrative level even if the technical writing is, as always from Goodwood, superb. I rip into it on this review not because I want to discourage or attack the author, but because I feel he delivered a sub-standard piece of fan-fiction when I've seen him do better. Now, I suspect Goodwood can rationalize or defend many of these criticisms. I believe his confidence as a writer won't be shaken by this review which took way too long to write, and my belief in my evaluation is firm. Final rating: 2 out of 5 for narrative, 4.5 out of 5 for technical. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 19:30, February 16, 2012 (UTC)

Legends of the Jedi: The Beast of Rutan (FW) by MPK
Beast of Rutan is the latest in the highly-acclaimed work of author MPK, and like his other stories, focuses heavily on the struggle between good and evil. In accordance with his normal style, MPK only uses a small repertoire of characters to portray the conflict waged between the moral opposites. This story is decidedly not for the faint of heart, and I would definitely not recommend reading it alone at night in a dark room. It's creepy and draws heavily from the horror genre. The author does an excellent job of placing the reader inside the story, making every action, every atrocity, every spoiler seem very visceral. Beast of Rutan is a dark and twisted journey into the hellish depths of the psyche of corruption set in an equally grisly and disturbing physical scenario, and it is very well-written.

The reader is ultimately left with the same question as Morgent Keblus is: why? That's both frustrating and thought-provoking. I won't attempt to dissect the author's reasons for leaving that question unanswered, but I'm sure that that was a conscious and deliberate choice on his part. Suffice to say that it works. MPK's writing is so consistently good that it's hard to say if this one was better than some of his others. I've read this story three times now and the number of legitimately objectionable things I could find on it could probably be placed on one hand. The prose generally flows very well, with few technical errors, and the description/narration/characterization is as good as any you'll find on this wiki. Beast of Rutan is a very good piece of work, and while it's certainly not for the squeamish, I'd recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind their Star Wars splashed with some blood&hellip;er, horror. 4.5/5 technical, 4.5/5 narrative. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 15:53, May 17, 2012 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/Legends of the Jedi: The Beast of Rutan

The Great Leap Forward (FW) by Goodwood
Have you ever read a work by an author whose pieces you've previously enjoyed, liked it at first read, and then upon successive, more thorough readings, found that it was deeply flawed? If you have, then you know the essence of my experience with The Great Leap Forward, the first novel by veteran and award-winning author Goodwood. When I first read TGLF, I was excited. It promised to be a full-length novel by Goodwood and integrated his primary character Laera Reyolé with the post-ROTJ EU. The concept sounded great, but even on the first read, there were warning signs, and it got worse from there.

Goodwood's previous works were exemplified by highly-polished writing that focused heavily on a few central characters that tied in seamlessly with the canon universe. I feel like TGLF abandoned most of those precepts and ended up inferior, even though it (finally) created a central conflict and well-defined subplots, which were previously lacking from Goodwood's work. First off, the writing quality has waned somewhat and there are more plot holes. More glaringly, TGLF seems to be written as a sort of wish-fulfillment fantasy by the author, complete with the blatant importing and heavy use of an alien species from one of his favorite video game franchises, allowing his central character to easily overpower 40 ABY Luke Skywalker (which is later constantly apologized for and excuses made for it throughout the novel), and egregious excretion of the author's opinion of current canon into the novel. Everything from Daala to beskar'gam earns time from the authorial soap-box and while I might agree with the author's sentiments, his characters and novel shouldn't be the mouthpiece. (Timothy Zahn and Karen Traviss please take note) Another problem I have with the work is the way the narrative switches not only between third and first person, but also alternates between characters abruptly in a manner that will leave less-absorbed readers confused. I don't like it, and I don't think it's healthy for the book, especially when otherwise bit-part characters get first-person narrative perspectives for no reason beyond authorial whim.

However, the thing that ruins TGLF the most for me is its characterization. The presumed emotional dilemma that Laera Reyolé faces from being catapulted 4000 years in the future is largely shelved, presumably for the sequel, Impact Events. Luke and Ben are flat, even after Laera Reyolé mentally rapes Luke, who of course forgives her within a couple chapters. Laera goes through mood swings, but they're erratic and never resolved. Silas is almost completely flat. The Sa'ari in general aren't interesting to someone who doesn't care about the asari due to their lack of development. The antagonist of the story is underdeveloped and an unimpressive villain. The final fight aside, the antagonist unleashes their evil plan before all the pieces are ready, performs several inexplicable actions that would only serve to counter her ultimate agenda (ruling the world, of course), and is self-admittedly full of hubris, foolishness, and impulsiveness. Her motivations for doing so besides generally being evil aren't well-defined because the only time her perspective is ever shown is when she's plotting nefariously and failing.

Don't get me wrong. The fact that the novel has a cohesive plot, somewhat interesting characters, and has far more polished writing than the majority of stories on SWF makes it impressive in its own right, particularly since is Goodwood's first attempt at breaking into the world of complete and quality novels, which only a few writers on this wiki have achieved. The description is also quite good and the pacing is spot on. That said, my first impression of this work was inaccurate and it is not the quality that I have come to expect from Goodwood. The question I will leave you with is this: is it really a great leap forward if you stumble and fall in the process? Overall score: 2.5/5 narrative, 3.5/5 technical with a possible .5 point improvement possible for technical fixes. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 23:56, August 29, 2012 (UTC)

Originally at Star Wars Fanon:FW/The Great Leap Forward