CS:Tenzin Roan

This is the review page for the good article nomination of Tenzin Roan.

Objections
Please feel free to add any other thoughts to your objections. I'm addressing them point by point, so as to fix them as the review goes on. If you post more things to fix, i will fix them and add the changes to my response. ''' Darth Taikin (Talk to me) (My work) 01:03, March 31, 2010 (UTC)
 * 1) Thunder's thoughts
 * 2) *Reading the first sentence I encountered some confusion. Maybe it would be best if you put which empires destruction happened around his death. Right now I thought he died in 4 ABY, which your article says 50 ABY. I'll review more later, just thought you should fix this one right away. - Bluethunder Contact 17:49, March 29, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) **Fixed. I had a slight research error. The sentence now accurately depicts the time period. ''' Darth Taikin (Talk to me) (My work)(Become a Jedi) [[Image:Verslinden.JPG|25px]] 11:29, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4) *Intro
 * 5) **In the last sentence I encounter a tad bit more confusion. It says he gained the title of Jedi Knight after the end of the empire. It would probably be smart to give the year because I don't know which empire it was.
 * 6) *Early life
 * 7) **I'm not good at catching point of view errors, but I think "Tenzin knew very little of his early life, other than that for an unknown reason, he had been abandoned." contains some point of view. I don't think you can include peoples thoughts unless you say they expressed it openly.
 * 8) **Also, this sentence: "A year after he became a Jedi Padawan, he met and spoke to his uncle while on a mission to Toola, who told him his parents had left him in favor of raising their other, older son." feels like a run-on. It's thirty-six words and it should probably be broken up after Toola. Then start the second part with, his uncle to him that his parents...'.
 * 9) **I don't know for sure if the sentence stated above is a run-on, but I have a good feeling this one is: "On what would have been his last day in the Order before being sent to a service division, he and a group of other Jedi Hopefuls fought in a large training exercise, with several Jedi masters watching, among them Rahm Kota, who had been watching in hopes of finding a potential padawan." This sentence is over 50 words! Instead of using so many commas, maybe try to add a period once in a while. Also, I don't think 'H' in hopefuls needs to be capitalized. As it's not a class of Jedi. Padawan does though. I'll fix that for you though.
 * 10) **There may be more thing that need fixing in this section, so I'll look over it again later.
 * 11) *First missions
 * 12) **Before too long, they had found and infiltrated the temple of the cult. 'Too' is not required in this sentence. If you remove it and read the sentence over, you'll see how much better it sounds.
 * 13) **After listening in on a conversation in a meeting hall between its leaders, they learned that the cult, which was called the Order of Keldiri (the word for "power" in the Jin'ha language, intended to take over the republic by surprise, using a powerful army they had built. Run-on and I feel that some of the description add confusion, as well as contributing to its length. Also, you have only one parentheses.
 * 14) **. Later, they were interrogated by the Keldiri Master, leader of the cult. This sentence is confusing, instead it should say: ...Kaldiri Master, who was the leader of the cult. or something along the lines of that.
 * 15) **Also, shouldn't the title just be first mission? Other that the first sentence, the section only mentions his first mission.
 * 16) *Overall
 * 17) **I'm not done reviewing this, but I think I have enough objections to get you working. You have a fairly long article so expect the review to be done by Thursday. - Bluethunder Contact 23:28, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 18) *Intro
 * 19) **I put in the year Tenzin was knighted, and specified that it was the Galactic Empire.
 * 20) *Early Life
 * 21) **Changed the POV sentence. It now reads "Tenzin was abandoned at the age of one month by his parents".
 * 22) **Run on sentence has been split into a couple of sentences and reworded.
 * 23) **Same as above.
 * 24) * First Missions
 * 25) **the word "too" was removed.
 * 26) ** I removed some superfluous description and split up the sentence
 * 27) ** I changed the Keldiri Master sentence to the format you suggested.
 * 28) ** section title has been changed to First mission
 * 1) Wylind's Wishlist
 * 2) *Overall
 * 3) **Firstly, you need to make some major linking changes. The first mentioning of everything should be linked to in the introduction, and then again in the article's main body. I've taken the liberty to do the introduction for you, but I'd like you to do the rest.
 * 4) ** Also, instead of using WHATEVER, please use instead. Obviously, replace WHATEVER with the article's title. This way is cleaner and easier to read. --Wylindsig.png  (Conference Room)  19:42, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5) ***For the second one, that's purely personal preference and makes no difference whatsoever. They both do the exact same thing. - Brandon Rhea Alliance Starbird.svg (talk) 19:45, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 6) ****...Okay... --Wylindsig.png (Conference Room)  19:56, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 7) *Overall
 * 8) **Expect more later --Wylindsig.png (Conference Room)  21:10, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

 * 1) Bender's...bullets?
 * 2) *I fixed the links as one was broken. I took the pleasure of changing all your "starwars:" links to "sw|" since it appeared you had started using the later. Overall, I think you got a good article here. Expect my vote once a seer thinks so as well.-- Josh Bender Talk 20:04, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) **Waiting is a good idea. There's a pretty lengthy list of things that need doing. --Wylindsig.png (Conference Room)  21:10, March 30, 2010 (UTC)