Wasting the Day in Bedlam/16

Please note: These entries were transcribed from illegible handwriting and the bracketed words may or may not be correct.

Second month, [illegible] day, 28 ABY

Zuckuss has his last round of shocks this week. he was to have a course of [six], but it was decided when he was examined and evaluated that he would have [nine]. Zuckuss isn't sure how to feel [about] them anymore. The memory loss still aggrivates [sic] him, though, but he will manage.

Though, one good thing about the shocks—he was taken off of his medication. At least for now.

Zuckuss also meditated today. He felt something different in the mists this time, something he has not felt since he came to Bedlam...

He feels CONNECTED.

[illegible] That meditation made him happy.

Second month, [illegible] day, 28 ABY

Mail call, today. I got a letter! Cami Sookanado wrote to me. She said that she got some information from the community college about their psychology programs and she might take her classes there. She also commented on my shocks. I don't quite remember what I wrote to her, but I must have said something about the shocks. She told me to stay strong and she wants me to write back as soon as I am able, as the shocks have her [worried].

I don't know how to feel about the shocks anymore, really. They don't scare me anymore. I guess I am a bit [illegible] [numb].

I have shocks tomorrow. I hope I don't fall like I did last week. That guard is to help me to the [refresher] after I wake up. Can't recall his name. Mandak. That's right. Mandak doesn't talk to me. He mostly stares at me. I've seen guards do that, but the way he does it...

[illegible] Getting tired. I hope Mandak doesn't intend to stare at me while I sleep. That would be creepy.

Second month, [illegible] day, 28 ABY

Zuckuss had an [illegible] epiphany.

He thought back, how he kept the Mist Hunter. He was [illegible] organized. He was clean, he had order and routine and [illegible] constant. He looks at how things are now. He covers mirrored surfaces, he writes notations, he has clutter. He doesn't have order.

Zuckuss realized it.

He is sick. He is very sick. He has fallen so far.

Today, after his shocks, Zuckuss went to the bathroom and he did something that he has not done in a while; he looked in the mirror.

That was when Zuckuss had his epiphany.

Second month, [illegible] day, 28 ABY

Zuckuss had a disturbing thought right now as he eats his meal...

If the shocks do not prove to be effective, what will they do to him, next?

Lobotomy?

Zuckuss hopes that the shocks work...

''Doctor's note: This week, Zuckuss had completed his course of ECT and will be returned to his housing unit. He will continue drug therapy and counseling under my supervision, and he will be observed closely, as due to the co-morbidity of his disorders, his probability of relapse is between 60 and 70 % after the first six months. Therefore, as with other ECT treatments, Zuckuss will be given a "maintenance" treatment on a monthly basis to prevent relapse.''

''However, his results look promising, judging by his entry on meditation. While on drug therapy, Zuckuss complained constantly about how the drugs hindered his meditations. He has also displayed an overall better mood. The effects on his memory and cognition are minimal, as his memory is somewhat spotty in regards to certain days surrounding his treatments, but in cognitive testing, he has scored satisfactorily.''

''Zuckuss needn't worry about a lobotomy as for one; we don't perform those here, and two; that would only be remotely considered in a very extreme case and under a very specific set of circumstances. Zuckuss is a high-functioning individual, he has suffered some setbacks and a relapse of his symptoms, but he can and will be treated and he needn't worry about a lobotomy.''

''It seems that I will need to speak with the guard once again about feeding Zuckuss's delusions. However, once Zuckuss is returned to his housing unit, that guard's behavior should subside, as he will be busy with the other inmates. I will advise Zuckuss to speak to me if anything should arise, however. &mdash;Dr. Gawynn Karastee''