Talk:Knights of the Old Republic: Convict's Dawn/3-4

From the Desk of Ataru
(I beat Brandon in getting here, yayz) "Since Czerka Corporation moved to Alderaan several months ago, De’dlay was constantly busy. A huge corporation, Czerka's factories and manufacturing plants created and sold weapons and droids to civilians and military forces alike on a galactic scale. Ever since Czerka Corporation at large had recently aligned itself with Malak’s Sith Empire, their offices and personnel had become commonplace on Sith worlds." I cut the bit about the Outer Rim-Alderaan's in the core, but I think I preserved the overall thought. Read both versions aloud and see which one sounds better to you. I could always be wrong.
 * 1) Mechanics
 * 2) *" warning the wanderers who found themselves unlucky enough to end up in such a place" Perhaps cut the "the"?
 * 3) *"These are the three greatest tenants of our Order" I'm literally snickering as I see this. Perhaps tenets is what you meant?
 * 4) *"Assembling the Force in unity was a difficult task " Awkward wording.
 * 5) *"As the Force’s energy began to form before Raen, the energy " Energy . . . energy double use. I'm going to call this a doublet from now on b/c it's less typing. ;-)
 * 6) *"hover-stretch" Perhaps an "er" should be tacked onto the end?
 * 7) *"Raen bowed rudely, before his Sith Master and turned to head out the door" Comma error.
 * 8) *"from all around Republic space." Is this not Sith space?
 * 9) *"Sith militia " Military, perhaps?
 * 10) *"an elderly Anzat who had owned this cantina" Isn't Anzat the planet, not the people?
 * 11) *"Watch you mouth,” he sneered." Self-evident.
 * 12) *" assist the in inevitable combat."
 * 13) Non-mechanics complaints
 * 14) *FWIW, Jedi boots usually aren't black.
 * 15) *As a well-versed author heard from a well-versed author, who heard it from a well-versed author, it's not usually good to write fanfic for a specific audience. Namely, a description for the Nikto would be nice.
 * 16) *"The Force was a mystical energy field that bound the universe together; both Jedi and Sith could drink from its cup and achieve amazing power and perform superhuman feats. Everything that lived possessed the Force, so philosophers had long since deduced that the Force was the very essence of life." This reads like a narrator has suddenly broken in, causing a rather awkward perspective shift. Try and make this Raen's thoughts, not yours.
 * 17) *"Paying the driver a measly fifty credits" 50 creds for a speeder ride? There's either some mass inflation going on or something. IIRC, you can sell blaster pistols for about fifty creds in the KotOR era. O.o
 * 18) *"Czerka was a galactic-wide industry that created and sold weapons and droids to civilians and military forces alike. However, Czerka Corporation had recently aligned itself with Malak’s Sith Empire and they were commonplace on Sith worlds in the Outer Rim. " Okay, great. You give context. I'm pleased. However, it doesn't fit into the paragraph. It all needs to flow together smoothly. Since I was willing to do something like this for Brandon, let me show how I would word it so it's a natural extension of the paragraph and not a growth lumped on the end.
 * 1) *Is G'aal a merc or a Sith trooper? It's kind of confusing. Also, I'm not sure about his name: I read it and see a similar pronunciation to "Gaiel."
 * 2) Comments
 * 3) *The opening of this segment seems surreal. It's kinda hard to visualize at first, and the constant calling of Raen's name is confusing at first. Also, work on your dialogue attributions. It's a bit clunky at time. Personally, I don't like to see something like "A character says a whole bunch of words," removed his hood. There's no smooth transition from the quote to the action. A "he said" or something a bit more creative every now and again makes it a lot better, IMO.
 * 4) *Somewhat better in the opening, but the bar scene feels rushed.