CS:Battle of Kothlis (Cruentusian War)

This is the archived review page for the successful featured article nomination of Battle of Kothlis (Cruentusian War).

Featured article nomination
Approve (6/6)


 * 1) Yes. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:26, 9 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) * Striking until Brandon's objections are adressed. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:54, 14 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) After a long (nearly three months), extensive (just look at it!) and at times headache-inducing review (I have no more Advil left ), this is much better and, from what I can tell, up to featured article standards. Just looking at some of the changes, I can tell you that a little context certainly goes a long way. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:47, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:05, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) --Victortalk 01:34, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] (talk) (contributions) 18:48, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined 22:59, 2 December 2008 (UTC)

Objections


 * 1) From the surrounded and embattled desk of Atarumaster88
 * 2) * "Although the battle did not massively impact on the course of the war," POV.
 * 3) * "the Necasian Military had was in minor turmoil" Wording.
 * 4) * "Rich in resources, Kothlis was providing a stable supply of resources and was also a strategic point, being a potential staging ground for attack on key Srav worlds." Long and awkward sentence.
 * 5) * "radiation weaponry" This is awkward also.
 * 6) * Consistently decapitalize archipelago.
 * 7) * "Kurtev and Drakuv tanks mopped up," Mopped up what?
 * 8) * "A NHD-52577" Contextify this.
 * 9) * "group of Necasian swordfish hydrofoils " Capitalize?
 * 10) * "A few of the remaining Necasian divers managed to destroy a few more of" This overruse of "few" is annoying. Reword.
 * 11) * " but this time the Necasians were better dug in and prepared. " You state this at the end of every section, or so it seems. It's annoying, and doesn't help deter the notion that this article is written like a narration of a bloody strategy game.
 * 12) * Italicize class names of capital warships, like that frigate.
 * 13) * Remove the inane quotes. All of them. You know what I mean.
 * 14) * Will finish this later. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:22, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) **Addressed the above, save the radiation bombs. They're bombs that emit radiation, which is why they called so. Unit 8311 19:59, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) * Looks good otherwise mechanically. However, I'd like the Srav retreat cleared up and expanded&mdash;it's a major plot hole right now. You say it was hasty, but you also say that they did a lot of sabotage and stuff. If they're getting hit by a massive air attack, they shouldn't have the time for that. Also, how did they get back to their initial landing site under constant air attack? Was it a Highway of Death ala Kuwait 1991? Did they set up a new landing site?
 * 17) * The first paragraph of the BtS needs utterly redone. "Originally, it was meant to be little more than an average battle article, similar to others such as the Battle of Raxus Prime and other articles, before 8311 proposed that they should raise it to good article status, making it, if it was successful, the second Project Cruentus good and by extension featured article." Massive run-on. Refer to users by their full username.
 * 18) * " This reflected by the Srav strategy used in the article" Fragment/missing word.
 * 19) *Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:01, 11 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 20) **Sorted the top one and to a lesser extent the bottom. Tom promised to get round to the BTS soon. Unit 8311 20:24, 11 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) From the entirely overrun Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea
 * 22) * Please use the Title template to display the title as "Battle of Kothlis".
 * 23) * The introduction is only 153 words long. That's 97 words short of what is required for Featured Article status.
 * 24) * As required by the Featured article requirements, all war and battle articles need a Legacy section. This article currently does not have one. Please take note that Aftermath sections and Legacy sections are two entirely different things.
 * 25) * The current state of the Behind the scenes section is obvious: it was written with a minimal amount of effort with the intention to "just get by", but it's not going to "just get by". There's too much information that you can expand upon. What constitutes an average battle article? Why did you propose to raise it to Good article standards and status? As a note, the section is now written as if the article is not yet a Good article. You’ll need to rewrite that to indicate that it is now officially the second Cruentus Good article. Carrying on, “major work” is POV, and you should be stating what type of work it was. How did you decide to split up the work? Who came up with the storyline? Why did you choose that particular storyline? Describe how Island hoping and Iowa Jima inspired this article. Why did Tom choose Requiem of a Dream as inspiration? What type of inspiration did it give him? How did it “help him a lot”. As for the final sentence, “merely” is POV. What type of written sources did Unit use as inspiration? Why did he choose not to use music unlike Tom who did? Why did you choose these written sources? How did they help you? You need to greatly expand upon this section using basically everything I said in this objection.
 * 26) * This is just a minor list for now. I have about two pages left in line-by-line editing for this, at which point I'll most more objections. Most of them also have to do with a lack of detail and explanation in certain areas. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 19:35, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 27) **Addressed the above. I've expanded the BTS, but tom will also be adding his part, so if you think it's still inadequate then don't worry. Unit 8311 20:13, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * It's definitely still inadequate, but Tom told me on IRC just now that he would be expanding it more. As of right now, though, it's still a fairly "epic meh". You're also still short on the introduction. If you read the requirements, you'll see that it requires 250 words. We only required 200 in the old standards. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:15, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Damn, I should have paid more attention in maths lessons. Anyway, the intro problem is sorted now. Unit 8311 20:23, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Alright, I've struck that objection, but I added another one. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:28, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) **Again, tom asked to leave a legacy section to him. Unit 8311 20:24, 11 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) *Leg section has been added. Unit 8311 (Talk) 20:07, 23 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) **BTS has been expanded to suffice. All current complaints addressed. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:30, 3 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) *Alright, here’s more of my review.
 * Introduction:
 * 1) * “Kothlis was rich in resources and also a strategically located point” – who was it strategic to?
 * 2) * “attempted to mount a solid defense” – what defines “solid”? Could be POV.
 * 3) *“For two days they held out” – poorly worded. First, who is “they”? Second, it’s just awkward wording. Change it to “They held out for two days”, and be sure to specify who “they” are.
 * 4) *“ For two days they held out, fighting on land, sea, and air, with the Sravs gradually pushing forward along the Archipelago using island-hopping tactics, until the arrival of the Necasian fighter ace Renard Curl, who, along with accompanying reinforcements, turned the tide of the battle.” – kind of goes on and on and on. Split into two or more sentences (however many are needed, really).
 * 5) * “The Sravs were pushed into retreat by his onslaught, but much of the Necasian infrastructure in the archipelago was wrecked by them as they pushed back.” – few things in this. First, rather than “but”, you should use something more like “although”. Second, when you say “was wrecked by them”, it is unclear as to who the “them” are. Is it the Sravs or the Necasians?
 * 6) * “Although the battle was not considered to have been one that massively impacted the course of the war” – awkward wording. I’d suggest, “although the battle was not considered to have largely impacted the course of the war”.
 * Prelude:
 * 1) * What was the Skirmish in Ilatas? Context needed.
 * 2) * “Following the Skirmish in Ilatas, the Necasian military's upper circles were in turmoil, following the dissolution of the alliance with the Zayre and the panic over the Death's Tongue Militia spreading” – poorly worded, because of the “following” things. Change it to “Following the Skirmish in Ilatas, the dissolution of the alliance with the Zayre and the panic over the Death’s Tongue Militia spreading, the Necasian military’s upper circles were in turmoil”.
 * 3) * Also with that sentence, give context to every faction and event mentioned in it. Don’t assume we know what you’re talking about, because to most readers they are not going to know what those things are.
 * 4) * “Realizing that he had been somewhat over reliant on the Zayre” – again, context needed. I have no idea what this means, nor does a random reader. You also need to say who Askar is.
 * 5) * Like in the introduction, why was Kothlis a strategic point, and to whom was it strategic? Also, why did the Necasian commanders consider it a potential staging ground for an attack on key Srav worlds? Without knowing anything about their proximity, this could be confusing. I mean, for all we know, Kothlis is in the SarahPalinCanSeeRussiaFromHerHouse galaxy and the Srav worlds are hidden behind Mars.
 * 6) * “and the setup of several new NHD-52577 artillery platforms on each of the islands” – this is the first I’ve heard of any islands. Context, context, context!
 * 7) * Why did the Sravs have their eyes on Kothlis?
 * 8) * “decided that now was the time to attack” – now? Well, now is approximately 10:50am Eastern Standard Time on Friday, November 14, 2008. I think you know where I’m going with this.
 * 9) * “the top Srav commander” – top can mean many things. Does it mean he’s the best, or does it mean he’s the highest ranking? If it’s the former then it’s POV, and if it’s the latter then it needs to be clarified.
 * 10) * “instructing them to commence with their pre-planned sabotage, which they did” – take out the “which they did”. The carrying-out of the sabotage is covered in the following sentences.
 * 11) * What are the Necasian early-warning systems and how were they disabled? If these are the sensors talked about in the tropical storm part, specify that.
 * 12) * What in the SarahPalinCanSeeRussiaFromHerHouse galaxy is a Klasnost-class transport? Context!
 * 13) * “The Necasian early-warning systems were disabled, allowing a Srav fleet of Klasnost-class transports, positioned not far from the planet, to enter the atmosphere, aiming for a landing site on the lightly-defended southernmost island of the archipelago, in a large caldera” – break that up into at least two sentences. It runs on.
 * 14) * What’s the length of time between the first mention of the tropical storm and the time that the storm passes? It seems to imply that it’s very quick, but tropical storms last for quite awhile. This needs clarification.
 * 15) *More to come later. If the above is any indication, then there will be MUCH more to come. - Brandon Rhea (talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 15:52, 14 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) **Sorted that, but I don't think I need to explain what a Klasnost-class transport is. Any monkey can tell that it's a transport ship just from the name, and if they want more information they can just click on the link. Nonetheless, please continue. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:12, 14 November 2008 (UTC)
 * From “The Srav landings”:
 * 1) * Put a period at the end of the sentences in every image caption. Just because it’s in a caption doesn’t change the fact that it’s a sentence.
 * 2) * You say “as they descended”. Who are “they”?
 * 3) * Don’t just say “Klasnosts”. For example, if I was referring to the Delta-7 Aethersprite-class light interceptor, I wouldn’t just say “Aethersprite”.
 * 4) * “Using information gleaned from maps” - prosey. Also, when did they find these maps and how did they find them? Context please.
 * 5) * Speaking of context, you’re mentioning a lot of craft names and names of artillery and such. It’s especially important that you give context on these considering you’re not linking to them.
 * 6) * “By now, the remaining Necasians on the island were aware of the Srav invaders” - now is shortly after midnight on Sunday, November 16, 2008.
 * 7) * “The Sravs had the clear advantage: they were well-dug in, with good intelligence and superior firepower, but by now” - “clear advantage” is POV, “good intelligence” is POV, and “now” is shortly after midnight on Sunday, November 16, 2008.
 * 8) *More to come. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 05:15, 16 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  10:47, 16 November 2008 (UTC)
 * From “The Necasian defence”:
 * 1) * Change “defence” to “defense” in the section title.
 * 2) * “who were by now well-entrenched” - again with the “now”.
 * 3) * “did little damage” - poor wording. Change it to “caused little damage”.
 * 4) * “In response, Vlad directed” - this is more personal preference, but because this isn’t an article about a character you should be using last names rather than first names.
 * 5) * “Remembering his orders to keep...” - when were these orders given?
 * 6) * “from simply bombarding” - I see what you’re getting at, but it’s borderline POV.
 * 7) * “which by now was ready” - again with the “now”.
 * 8) * “Desperately trying to stop it” - POV.
 * 9) * The sentence beginning with “desperately trying to stop it” and ending with “landing force took them out” is a borderline run-on sentence. I suggest breaking it up into two.
 * 10) * “stubborn Necasian resistance” - POV.
 * 11) * “sheer size of the landing force” - prosey.
 * 12) * “but soon mortar fire from Zabas and the sheer size of the landing force mad sure that the resistance at the beach was cleared out soon” - soon, I suggest you soon find a better word than soon, or else soon you’ll find yourself being redundant soon.
 * 13) * “which they had to take intact” - why?
 * 14) * “which bogged down his tank” - borderline prosey.
 * 15) * “Natural hazards and Necaisn booby traps” - Necasian is spelled wrong, and you need to say what these hazards and traps are.
 * 16) * “their incessant bites” - prosey.
 * 17) * “Despite these obstacles, however” - the “however” is redundant.
 * 18) * “Now in control of the second island” - again with the “now”.
 * 19) * “By now, however” - again with the “now”. I sense a pattern.
 * 20) * “Askar was planning counterattacks and contingency plans” - poorly worded. For example, if you take out the “counterattacks” part, it would read “planning contingency plans”. Reword it to say something to the effect of, “was planning counterattacks and drafting contingency plans”.
 * 21) * “determined to let the Sravs proceed no further” - poor wording. Change it to “determined to not let the Sravs proceed any further”.
 * 22) * More to come. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 16:56, 16 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) **Done. However, I don't see a problem with the use of 'now' as in 'now at so-and-so place', as it still suits a past tense. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:16, 16 November 2008 (UTC)
 * I don't find it appropriate for an encyclopedic entry about something that happened in the past. It's more appropriate for a narrative. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:37, 16 November 2008 (UTC)
 * From “The underwater battle”:
 * 1) * What’s a limpet mine? I ask this because if it was just mines then it wouldn’t matter, but by making it specific you need to give context on it.
 * 2) * How do Geiger sensors work? Context.
 * 3) * “lurking in the coral reef” - nothing really wrong with it, but “lurking” seems to be a bit prosey. Perhaps change it to “hiding”? This is more personal preference, so feel free to disregard it.
 * 4) * I would recommend changing all instances of “subs” to “submarines” just to be more encyclopedic. “Subs” sounds more like a narrative or conversation type thing.
 * 5) * “the divers used stealth” - stealth what? Tactics? Devices? Pancakes? Context on what the stealth was and how it was utilized, please.
 * 6) * What types of anti-submarine countermeasures did the Necasians deploy? If this is the stuff that was mentioned in the previous paragraph then disregard this. I don’t remember what side was what.
 * 7) * “the Srav divers surprised their Necasian counterparts, attacking them with harpoon guns” - I’d suggesting changing that to “counterparts by attacking them” just for clarification purposes. The way it’s written now makes it so that it could be interpreted as they surprised them and THEN attacked them, whereas you seem to actually be saying that the harpoon guns were how they surprised them.
 * 8) * Caveat: never bring a knife to a gun fight. Doesn’t turn out too well.
 * 9) * “Nevertheless, they were soon finding themselves being scattered” - awkward wording. Change it to “Nevertheless, they found themselves becoming scattered”. Reads much better that way.
 * 10) * “torpedoing the parts of the reef where they were hiding” - in a sentence like this, you can’t say “they”, as it could be confusing to figure out who “they” is. Specify who “they” are.
 * 11) * “several more of the subs” - awkward wording. Change to “several more subs”.
 * 12) * “finally driven away or killed” - a bit of context on how this happened.
 * 13) * Sortie is definitely prosey. Change it to something else.
 * 14) * “although nevertheless the Srav underwater presence was crippled” - poor wording. Lose the “nevertheless”.
 * 15) * “he felt that the sub numbers had been reduced sufficiently to his Razorshark boats to commence depth charging” - this sentence confuses me. I’d suggest how you should rewrite it, but I really don’t know what it means. I also have no idea what depth charging is, so context on that is needed.
 * From “Beach combat”:
 * 1) * The transition from the last section to this section is pretty bad. You just got off of underwater battles, not you’re thrusting the reader into land battles without any proper transition.
 * 2) * What’s a swordfish hydrofoil?
 * 3) * “the remaining hiding Srav subs” - poor wording. Change it to “the remainder of the Srav subs that were in hiding”.
 * 4) * “A few Drapeznik gunships moved to engage” - clarification on what they were engaging.
 * 5) * Vlad losing patience seems irrelevant. You can start that sentence with “Depite Boras’s reservations, the [whatever the faction is] went ahead”. Also, why the next island? I don’t remember the first paragraph saying anything about taking the first island or clearing it out.
 * 6) * “the island after the next one” - poor wording. Say “the island that followed” or something like that.
 * 7) * The sentence starting with “Both the Sravs and Necasians knew” and ending with “over with impunity” is far too long. Start a new sentence at “Askar knew that if said”. Also, I don’t even know what impunity means, so a new word should be used. Seems too prosey.
 * 8) * Why the order to fight to the death, and why weren’t the troops happy about that? Soldiers always vow to fight to the death. Also, it should be “too happily”, not “to happily”.
 * 9) * What are the Zabas, again? Quite frankly, these specific names are getting WAY too confusing to follow. It’s up to you, but I think you should just stick to using things like “gunships” and “submarines” rather than specific names. If not, then (and this is NOT personal preference but something I will require) you should be saying “[specific name] gunship” and what not. I wouldn’t want someone to say “and TIEs began moving across the surface of the Death Star to attack the rebel forces”.
 * 10) * Nuclear-tipped air-ground missiles? Bull. It would destroy them all.
 * 11) * Parentheses used to show what an acronym is looks horrible. Change it to something like “Srav surface-air missiles, also called SAMs”.
 * 12) * What does “flak” mean? You keep using these military terms without giving any sort of context as to what they actually mean.
 * 13) * “the Necasian defense was much stronger” - POV without clarification.
 * 14) * What’s a pillbox?
 * 15) * Why were the Necasians soon overwhelemed?
 * 16) * “much to Askar’s anger” - I really don’t see why emotions are relevant.
 * 17) * The third paragraph of this section is pretty big. Try cutting it into two or more.
 * From “Jungle warfare”:
 * 1) * “the jungle covering most of the island” - for clarification purposes, change this to “the jungle that covered most of the island”.
 * 2) * In one sentence, you say “both Necasian and natural” and in the next you say “both explosive and shrapnel”. That wording gets repetitive that close together, so I suggest rewording one of them.
 * 3) * “had also hid” - should be “had also hidden”.
 * 4) * “being cut down to NWD-JR5 heavy machineguns” - I think you mean “cut down by”.
 * 5) * Once again, we have a run on. The sentence starting with “Boras, who was in charge” and ending with “most of the air support” should be broken up.
 * 6) * “Boras had his tanks, in response to this” - “in response to this” should come first.
 * 7) * I see what you’re going for, but “their progress was difficult” is borderline POV.
 * 8) * “foul” and “lurked” are kinda prosey.
 * 9) * Why did Askar refuse the evacuation request?
 * 10) * I’m sorry, but I don’t really find soldiers putting in a half-assed effort in a war to be believable in this regard.
 * 11) * Get rid of the “now” in “Now, the Sravs were” and “it was now late evening”.
 * 12) * Change “this break in fighting, consolidating their” to “this break in fighting to consolidate their”.
 * 13) * So Askar just forms a naval blockade without ANY attempt to stop it?
 * 14) * “useless bits of metal” - one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, and clearly it’s not useless if he can use it as ammo. POV.
 * 15) * If the Necasian troops knew what Askar was doing and they knew that the enemy forces were not firing back, I really don’t think this would have traumatized them.
 * 16) * Makeshift earplugs would, at best, only dilute the sound, not drown it out completely. It would still have the same effect on the enemy, regardless of how loud the noise was, because they would still know that someone was firing on them.
 * 17) *More later. I have to give myself a break from this, because it’s pretty disappointing. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 03:16, 28 November 2008 (UTC)
 * From “The final push”:
 * 1) * “concocting” is a poor choice of words. That’s more appropriate if someone is putting together some sort of stupid scheme. “Devising” would be a better choice.
 * 2) * “(with actual shells this time)” - either find a way to actually add that into the sentence or get rid of it.
 * 3) * Why did Askar feel that his blockade would neutralize the airpower and missiles?
 * 4) * “Basic” is borderline POV, and “just to be sure” of what?
 * 5) * You have two sentences that start out with “had also”. Change one.
 * 6) * Considering items are not in infinite supply during wars, I doubt there were “countless” machinegun nests, etc. Find a better word.
 * 7) * We already know that morale is low. You don’t need to keep repeating that.
 * 8) * “clear” in reference to the numerical advantage could potentially be POV.
 * 9) * What is “cutlery”? Now obviously I know what it is, but when choosing words you should do it as if your readers are idiots.
 * 10) * I don’t think saying “the safety of the jungle” is an appropriate thing to say considering you’ve mentioned the hazards in the jungle more than once. I know what you’re getting at, but it’s still a bit of a contradiction.
 * 11) * Vlad prioritized speed over...what, exactly?
 * 12) * The sentence beginning with “Although a combination of” and ending with “to clear out any mines” is a blatant run-on.
 * 13) * Is it really relevant to say that Askar was panicking? I think you could just say “The Sravs began advancing” and then continuing with the sentence. As a note, this would force you to specify who “he” is in “He had consolidated”.
 * 14) * “which was now being overrun” - again with the “now”.
 * 15) * Askar’s horror also doesn’t seem relevant. This is a battle article, not a character article. The same with his shell-shock a bit later.
 * 16) * Have you mentioned Elthior IVs before? If not, I have absolutely no idea why it would give him hope, because there is no context as to what it is.
 * From “Renard turns the tide”:
 * 1) * You have another run on in the sentence starting with “Fortunately for the Necasians” and ending with “such as the Zayre”.
 * 2) * You don’t need to introduce Curl as “Renard Curl” twice in two back-to-back sentences.
 * 3) * What’s a basic Srav guard? Are there un-basic ones?
 * 4) * What’s a Renard slipstream maneuver? And calling it effective is POV.
 * 5) * You use “in the eyes of Curl” twice to avoid POV. Try using another choice of words for one of them.
 * 6) * ”being neutralized now” - bad wording, along wit the rest of the sentence. Change to “With the threat of the missile launchers attacking the base having been neutralized, the encampment was able to hold off the siege until Curl arrived.
 * 7) * “alerting Askar Invado” - he’s already been shown in this article. There’s no need to fully introduce him again.
 * 8) * “tried to call in airlift to extract them” - airlift should be plural.
 * 9) * “impunity” should, again, be replaced with another word.
 * 10) * Why did the Sravs begin killing themselves? Is that their culture? Were they avoiding a certain execution from the Necasians?
 * 11) * “or had been taken out” - this should be clarified. It’s likely that you mean killed, but it could be confusing since you were talking about airlifting a few sentences earlier.
 * From “Aftermath”:
 * 1) * “Half their facilities” - should be “Half of their facilities”.
 * 2) * How did Askar make sure that news reports paint him as the one who won the battle? “Glorified” is also POV unless you say something like “attempted to glorify”.
 * 3) * “As for the Sravs” sounds too encyclopedic. It instantly makes me thing “And as for YOU, pal”, which is informal. You could say something like “Within the Srav hierarchy, Vlad was held” and then go on from there.
 * 4) * “damning logistical and propaganda defeat” is a BLATANT infraction of POV.
 * 5) * Why did they decide it was not worth launching another attack?
 * 6) * What sorts of genetic mutations were there, and why would they baffle the Republic later? Also, there is no context as to what the Galactic Republic is.
 * 7) * Change the next sentence to read “The Necasian base would also eventually be abandoned”. Why would the iron dust stuff baffle visitors? Also, choose another word for “baffle” in the second instance just so you’re not redundant.
 * From “Legacy”:
 * 1) * “The follow on for the battle” - what’s a follow on?
 * 2) * “firing new battles against the Necasians” - how do you fire battles?
 * 3) * De-link the DTM, as it was linked to in the Prelude.
 * 4) * “were needed to be bought” - poor wording. Either change it to “were need to replace those lost” or “needed to be purchased to replace those lost”.
 * 5) * In the same sentence, you say “felt they” twice. It gets redundant, so choose another choice of words.
 * 6) * It’s demoralized, not demoralised. It’s probably the latter in your neck of the woods, but remember that we use the American version of English here.
 * 7) * How did the Srav leaders attempt to combat the demoralization?
 * 8) * Not only does part of the sentence starting with “In turn” and ending with “Necasian control” make no sense, but it’s another run on sentence. You also link to Askar and state his full name again, both of which are unnecessary as they have both been done earlier in the article.
 * 9) * I thought the natural resources of Kothlis were damaged. How did the Necasians harness then? Also, check for a contraction in that sentence, and an instance of “new buys” which doesn’t make any sense.
 * 10) * I find it hard to believe that the Necasian damages didn’t result in a loss of economic gains like what happened to the Sravs. You’re going to need to specify why there is a difference here.
 * 11) * “on Kothlis weren’t” - another contraction.
 * 12) * “A single species of primate kind” is too wordy, as it can be changed to “A single primate species”. The same sentence has ANOTHER contraction.
 * 13) * “in the Necasian battle report or the Srav report either” - poor wording. Change to “in either the Necasian or Srav battle reports”.
 * 14) * How in the name of SarahPalinCanSeeRussiaFromHerHouse Galaxy can loud explosions cause a species to go extinct? Noise doesn’t kill off entire species.
 * 15) * “it was reported that the hate” - should be “hatred”.
 * 16) * “battles didn’t need” - once again, ladies and gentlemen, a contraction.
 * 17) * Give context on why the galaxy hated the war.
 * From “Behind the scenes”:
 * 1) *“Although Darth tom felt that it was quality and not quantity that made an article” - you have no idea how ironic I find that statement to be.
 * 2) * “and wasn't working for the status” - honey, quick, I think the baby’s coming because I’m having CONTRACTIONS.
 * 3) * “better article all around” - it’s all around, but even then that’s pretty informal for an encyclopedic entry.
 * 4) * A little context on the WW2 island hopping and what the Battle of Iwo Jima was could go a long way.
 * 5) * In what is an obvious trend in this article, the sentence starting with “The parts written by Darth tom” and ending with “in the mind of Darth tom” is a run on sentence.
 * Final comments:
 * 1) *Sorry to be blunt, but this was incredibly painful to review. I was very disappointed in this article, but I guess I just expected more out of two Seers. The quotes, as per usual, are pretty bad, but those aren’t against featured article requirements. If you fix up this stuff I will vote for the article. I had considered just voting for it when it was nominated rather than LBLing it, so I’m glad I didn’t. This would’ve been an FA disaster. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 05:10, 28 November 2008 (UTC)
 * So this counts as an opposition point but me finding an article boring doesn't? --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] <font color="#000001">(talk) <font color="#000001">(contributions) 16:50, 28 November 2008 (UTC)
 * What? Saying that it was painful to review and that I was disappointed was a comment. Notice that it's prefaced with "Final comments". Everything above that is the opposition. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 02:37, 29 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Sorted the vast majority of your objections, Rhea, but I'm afraid that you phail on a couple of points. Also, it should be “too happily”, not “to happily”...it is correct as it is. They did not take to it. Grammatically correct, IIRC. Also, I'd like to point out that there are nuclear-tipped tank shells in real life, which doesn't mean that they can destroy Hiroshima in one shot but merely gives them more firepower. And you're starting to get just a teeny bit ridiculous when you ask to provide context on cutlery, but I still addressed that. Nonetheless, thanks for the highlights. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:11, 28 November 2008 (UTC)
 * In the too vs. to thing, then, you need to rewrite the sentence to clarify because it can obviously be misunderstood. I'm sure there's another way you can say it. Second, I didn't know that there were nuclear tipped missiles in real life. Perhaps that would be worth noting in the behind the scenes section? Third, I'm actually not getting a "tiny bit ridiculous" when I ask for context on cutlery. Don't assume everyone knows what it is. I don't know what it is, so that means there are plenty of other people who don't know either. Also, just to make things easier, could you cross off whatever objections you corrected (but properly format the objections using #* please!!!!)? That'll make it easier than hunting them down. EDIT: Oh, and I just found out what cutlery means. In my northeastern elitist neck of the woods, we call that "silverware". - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 02:37, 29 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Okay, and done. And I wasn't aware that there were multiple terms for cutlery. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  12:32, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Per above. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  11:19, 15 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Images are a bit small. That's my only complaint. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 01:18, 7 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) *Sorted that too. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  13:37, 9 October 2008 (UTC)

Comments

Second PC FAN. -- <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contributions) 20:04, 8 September 2008 (UTC)