Talk:Knights of the Old Republic: Knight of Alderaan

Nitpicky stuff from Ataru that can be deleted after you fix it

 * "lest you want to loose it" loose-->lose.
 * "the two Jedi diverted their initial destination" Toss a "from" in there.
 * "they would still be wanted on crimes of thievery and pirating." People are usually wanted for crimes, and it should be "piracy".
 * You've got a line out of whack; needs backspaced.
 * "it was not a though of a Jedi."--> thought.
 * ". In no position to block Gaiel’s attack, he was watched in horror as Gaiel severed his arms and legs in a single, fluid motion." Verbage here?
 * "and he was helpless as Zaen thrust his weapon into the Dark Jedi’s back, killing him instantly." Magically appearing Zaen? Oooooh.
 * "Hurtling his lightsaber, he watched his ignited weapon slice through the Dark Jedi’s back," I believe you want "hurled"
 * "know get in here!” "--> now
 * You should enclose all the Azure Wolf II in brackets to yield Azure Wolf II.
 * "the Sith troopers neck" possessive.
 * Italicize all Subjugator references.

4-6
"If we would have captured Revan and Alek, like the Lucien Draay had assured us he would.”"
 * "Quatermaster-class transport " Sp.
 * "What’s in the past in is the past" Read it slowly.
 * "while Ranvel hopped removed the parking brace from the landspeed"
 * "Well, if that it what you believe is the best course of action, we shall listen to your council for the time being." It's the other "counsel" here.
 * "Kluistar orbit'" formatting check
 * Same problem with Subjugator.
 * Also, make sure Captain isn't capitalized where it shouldn't be.
 * "not professional combed as it was when he commanded the Subjugator." ->add -ly.
 * "“Mother,” Jaeln began. “May I speak with father?" Cap the father.
 * "and walked pass his wife, who was still slightly confused." pass->past.
 * "until you claimed the throne, and then we would dismember Alderaan Royal Engineering and give its earnings and blueprints to us!”" Pronoun confusion.
 * "Temple of the Jedi Temple,"

7-9

 * "Lightsaber blazing," plural.
 * "Doing a quick spin and cutting a large gash in Bolook’s chest, Kalthar attacked the unguarded back of the Sith Master, killing him instantly" Did he stab his friend?
 * "he watched the Sith starfighter performing their bombing run," Plural.
 * Check your Quartermasters for Quatermaster.
 * Choose between Enclave and enclave.
 * Italicize Ebon Hawk.
 * Did they attack the orbital cannons, or not?
 * "Yuthura ban" Cappie.
 * More archaic dialogue with Codias and Zaen. Codias I can understand-he's been at the Alderaan court, but not Zaen.

10-11
“Sir?” chimed in Darkwing five. " More of the same.
 * "Forn Dodonna was pacing the bridge of her Hammerhead-class cruiser. She was the Admiral in charge" de-cap.
 * Italicize Adamant Star.
 * "Now only he and Darkwing five remained" Cap.
 * "It was only Darkwing five and he. All other channels had fallen silent, quiet as a mausoleum.
 * "Watch you backs. " Sp.
 * "pressure applied by Fetcher foot " no apostrophe ess.
 * "her lightsabers blades were met by her opponents’ vibroswords." possessive.

Ataru's thoughts
Okay, I just finished reading Knights of Alderaan, and since JM76 has been so kind as to meticulously review my works, I'll give him some of my thoughts. This is an incredibly moving work. There is a lot of emotion built into it, and though it fails to deliver on some parts of that by glossing over it, the graphic imagery on this work won't leave a reader who dives into KoA any time soon. The plot is very fast-paced, whipping from planet to planet and character to character at breakneck speed. For a 130 page book, it has an almost dizzying array of characters and sideplots. I certainly recommend that readers have played both KotOR games before picking this one up, or else risk being partially lost through most of it. In terms of comparing to the previous work, KoA is a worthy successor. A minor complaint are a couple scenes and elements, though, that seem like a step backward. The dialogue gets a little too borrowed at times. For example, Celsus's death needs to be more original, or else it's distracting. Unlike CD, where the dialogue flowed nicely and was almost always realistic, this goes from realistic to archaic and stilted. It doesn't mesh well, and is a clear disappointment after CD. A few other scenes are rushed, such as the first argument between Zaen and Venli, and Northeus's Council meet, which was sorely lacking in detail and emotion, as well as being rushed. I also think Thon needed more expansion. He's one of the most famous TOTJ Jedi of all, and he seems skimmed over. There were also a few plot holes involved. I'm still perplexed on how 5 people run a Hammerhead-class cruiser. Those are sizable ships. They take 300 crew. Some of the Jedi are also way too prone to emotion. They need some Obi-Wan lessons, or something, because all of them seem to succumb to battlerage rather easily. That could be authorial intent, but it flies in the face of numerous Jedi in the Clone Wars. Also, Thon sends Zaen to fight off a Sith invasion on Dantooine? That was probably the most groan-worthy of all of them. Personally, I enjoyed Knights of Alderaan, in the same sense that one enjoys being whirled along at ridiculous speeds down a twisting roller coaster. That's rather what it felt like, just because there didn't seem enough time to develop or explain the necessary emotions that seem to be part of life. Towards the latter half of the book, it was action scene after action scene, each one more gruesome and spectacular than before. In that sense, this surpassed Convict's Dawn by a lot, but I have to say, having shocker after shocker and character after character get surprisingly killed off&mdash;well, I wasn't sure what to expect next. It was just that kind of read, which I suspect the author was aiming for, though it occasionally came across as though he was almost trying too hard to show he was flying without character shields. The character development, dialogue, plot-they were all good, but too fast, and definitely too furious. In that respect, it's a true sequel, in that it tries a little too hard to surpass the original. All in all, I give KoA a three out of five stars and hope that the next installment will heed Switchfoot's advice and "slow the evening down, slow it down." Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 23:48, 23 August 2008 (UTC)