HP:Hayai Oujou

This is the review page for Hayai Oujou.

Objections

 * 1) The flies in the buttermilk:
 * 2) *“…his students "unique" style…” Apostrophe is needed.
 * 3) *“The student suddenly shifted his route and began thinking unorthodoxly about his style.” Prose try. I like it. The Manual of Style doesn’t.
 * Which part of the manual is it in conflict with? I'm not exactly certain what you mean. Cyril Khan 19:58, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
 * I don't really find it prosey (which means colorful wording that isn't very encyclopedic and better saved for a narrative work of fiction), but "unorthodox" is a POV as it's in the eye of the beholder. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:09, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
 * I edited and replaced the POV wording. Cyril Khan 04:12, 9 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *“Cyril requested one day to train only with a weighted sword.” Stilted wording.
 * 2) *From the caption of Image:Hayaimeditation.jpg: “Cyril Ahlen Khan meditation over his unfinished combat form.” Do you mean mediates?
 * 3) *“Hayai Oujou, after perfection…” That’s just a little bit POVish. Maybe maturity?
 * 4) *“It is fair to say…” Tense.
 * 5) *“Unfortunately, the form that had devastated the sword masters of the Sith and the Bendu was not invulnerable.” Unfortunately is POV.
 * I have fixed everything besides the second . Cyril Khan 19:58, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) Here are my quibbles:
 * 2) *It doesn’t read well; very stop starty, doesn’t utilise commas that much, and uses a full stop too much; try using some embedded or subordinate clauses, and throw in a few more commas.
 * Typically I attempt to avoid using too many commas; as an author I tend to use few unnecessary commas. Also, this is my style; I have a huge pet peeve about run-on sentences. Embedded clauses are not commonly used by me, and I don't go out of my way to make them. Subordenate clauses are in this article; while they aren't abundant in paragraphs, they are present and spread throughout the article. Also, keep in mind that semicolons are a form of pausing; when used they create complex sentences. The semicolon separates two clauses, and thus achieves what you are looking for. Since I commonly use complex sentences, I fail to see how I am overusing simple sentence structure. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * In the introduction: ‘Hayai Oujou grew into a powerful anti-melee form.’ Powerful sounds like POV to me.
 * I fail to see the point of view it has. Powerful is a synonym of strong. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * And strong is also POV. Saying it's strong suggests that no one would ever think that it's weak. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 01:39, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * By that reasoning, all adjectives would be POV. I'm not going to remove a modifier just because one person might not think of it that way. Seeing as how I can't get anywhere here without pleasing someone, I clarified it. Cyril Khan 22:23, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same place: ‘One important advantage of the style is the use of never ending momentum.’ ‘is’ should be changed to ‘was’, so as to make it past tense.
 * Fixed Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same paragraph: ‘A master of the form, however, would have perfected the precision and grace the style needs. A master of the style could take what first appeared to be a reckless technique and deliver a series of chained techniques that could devastate opponents.’ Double use of the word ‘master’ doesn’t flow so well.
 * Modified Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same paragraph: ‘The statement, “Every strike is a block, and every block is a strike,” has been used to describe the style.’ ‘has’ should be changed to had.
 * Fixed Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same paragraph: ‘It was also, however, noted for one unusual trait.’ ‘unusual’ is POV.
 * Same confusion as above: unusual is a synonym of uncommon. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Uncommon to who? Just because it's uncommon to one person or a group of people doesn't mean it's uncommon to everyone. Both instances are POV. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 01:39, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * clarified Cyril Khan 22:23, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same paragraph: ‘The effects of using a lightsaber were then much more amazing’ ‘amazing’ is POV.
 * I can understand that one. Fixed. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the section entitled ‘History’, ‘Needless to say, the early version of Hayai Oujou was horribly unrefined’ should have ‘horribly’ removed, as it’s POV.
 * Once more the point of view is failed to be seen. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Whether or not something is horrible depends on who is looking at it. Horrible is POV and unencyclopedic. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 01:39, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * edited... oh, and unencyclopedic is not a word Cyril Khan 22:23, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Images need to go from right to left. Unfortunately, the first image after the infobox should have been on the left, but it’s on the right. This means that the others are all wrong, and should be moved to the opposite side of the page.
 * Easy enough: fixed Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same section: ‘The heavy blade led to a unique execution of lightsaber technique.’ ‘unique’ is POV.
 * I found a more proper word. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same section: ‘By the time Cyril returned to the lightsaber, the style had changed drastically from what it had originally been.’ ‘drastically’ is POV.
 * I can partly understand this. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the section entitled ‘Description’, ‘Hayai Oujou was a devastating opponent in combat.’ Should have devastating removed; it’s POV.
 * I think I found a better word. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the same section, ‘Some users are noted for losing their lightsaber on their own accord by a poor transfer.’ Should have ‘are’ changed to ‘were’.
 * 2) *In the section entitled ‘Defence’: ‘The avoid and evade defense plan was quite genius.’ ‘genius’ is POV.
 * This one makes sense. Fixed Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same section: ‘It was not the dodges that makes Hayai Oujou’s defense so effective;’ ‘makes’ should be ‘made’.
 * Fixed Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same section: ‘A master who fought this way was devastating.’ ‘devastating’ is setting my POV senses tingling.
 * I modified that a little. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *As I said, it doesn’t flow too well, and didn’t make me that interested; quite boring, actually, in places.
 * To be fully honest, I'd expect that. This is a lightsaber form. It's not a battle or colorful history of a great Jedi. Also, I fail to see the lack of flow. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the section entitled ‘Requirements’, ‘but it was extremely useful.’ ‘extremely’ is POV.
 * I, once again, fail to see the point of view. Extremely is a synonym of very or quite. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Extremely denotes how useful something is. The usefulness of something varies from person to person. Therefore, saying it's extremely useful is POV. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 01:39, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * clarified Cyril Khan 22:23, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Same section: ‘Dodges often times needed power in order to be effective.’ Doesn’t make sense. --[[Image:Darthtomsig.png|163px]] (talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contributions) 08:47, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * I edited it so it makes a bit more sense. Cyril Khan 01:33, 22 August 2008 (UTC)

Comments
I believe this complies with the requirements. Cyril Khan 00:57, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
 * I'll have a look at this tonight or tomorrow night. --[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 19:35, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
 * I will read it soon. I like the character picture. --<font color=#00416A>Arav the Undersith <font color=Blue>(<font color=#C3B091>Contact Me ) <font color=#00416A>(<font color=#C3B091>My contributions ) 11:52, 1 August 2008 (UTC)