Star Wars Fanon:Featured articles/Nominations

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Nomination
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Approve

 * 1) Good job with this.  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:12, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) I agree.  Darth Wylind ( Talk ) 17:11, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Good read.-- Nightmare 975  06:00, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Looks like Unit has fixed everthing asked of him so, yes. --Arav (Ancient Grove ) (Lost Archives ) 07:32, 17 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the unleashed desk of Drewton:
 * 2) * It's better to use quotation marks rather than the ' symbols for quotes in prose.
 * 3) *"The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs." "And" is used twice here.
 * 4) *The image spreading/layout isn't great. You have a lot of images in one spot and then none at all in another. Images could also be slightly larger.
 * 5) *"Although Askar had no interest in the planet of Tahu itself, he didn't" Contractions are unencyclopedic.
 * 6) *"The Necasians, originally being two days march" Add "a" before "two days march".
 * 7) *"The Necasians were the first ones to reach the city, despite the setbacks they'd received" Another contraction.
 * 8) *"Realise" is spelled "realize".
 * 9) *"and such an epidemic wouldn't be seen on Tahu again until" Another contraction. Destroy it.
 * Overall, it's well written, with only a few minor mistakes. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 17:47, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:04, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) * "With the base in ruins, both sides felt they had dealt a heavy blow to the Death's Tongue Militia. (which they had not)." Looks unprofessional; the words in parantheses should be moved into the main sentence. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:08, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Review…
 * 4) *In the infobox, I recommend/suggest sorting the commanders (from the Commanders section) by surname. As for the outcome, why is it indecisive? I think stalemate is more appropriate; indecisive just means no 'historians' (that's us) can decide who won, rather than just stating it was a stalemate (a tie, no true winners or losers, but equal in gain and loss, basically overall). Well anyway, the rest of the infobox looks good, rather impressive. The former two are simple suggestions or complaints, whatever you wish to call them, but I stand strongly by them.
 * 5) *From the introduction
 * 6) **"attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation and spread terror amongst their civilian populations as a result" Rewrite this, as the lack of comma use may confuse a reader, to "attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation, spreading terror amongst their civilian populations as a result"
 * 7) **"tricking both other factions into attacking a decoy base on Tahu which they would disguise as a major base" Two things; first, explain how they tricked the other two factions, and second, instead of saying "which they would disguise as a major base", to keep the flow, change it to "which they disguised as a major base". That keeps it all in past tense.
 * 8) **"and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them" Okay, 'instead' of what? Doesn't sound like instead of anything, so just take it out.
 * 9) **Sentence beginning with "Arriving at the planet" is a run on, please cut it into two, preferably after "by said militants" (that is a good enough sentence there). Too much to swallow at once.
 * 10) *More later. --Victortalk 01:55, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. And I still stand by indecesive because it can be debated which side really won, and none of them really achieved much, so I feel indecesive is the best term. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:56, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Then change it to something like "Indecisive, as noted by galactic historians" and then make sure that the article addresses why historians believe it was indecisive (such as in the Legacy section or something). Without proper clarification like that, it looks like author POV. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:22, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:52, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Meh, I personally don't care if you leave it as just indecisive if you're set on that. Adding 'considered' or something just gives more redundancy, but again on that, it's your call. Anyway, more review…
 * 2) *Prelude
 * 3) **Can you please properly format and source (meaning writing out website name, image taker, edits done to image, full links to who/what is in image, etc.) the image Hoodmil.jpg please? That'd be proper and rightfully crediting whoever made that original image. Also, try cropping that black line border around the image, please, so it doesn't look funny in the thumbnail. Lastly, that image caption on the image needs a period at the end.
 * 4) **Please split that first large paragraph into two. It's rather chunky and bulking up the already limited space there. A good place to break it into two would be at the sentence starting "Concurrently, Askar Invado, …"; In fact though, it might be good to break it into three paragraphs, with the third one beginning with " Although Askar had no interest…"
 * 5) **"support for itself by distributing food and aid (which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds)" Instead of parenthesis, use commas please.
 * 6) **"an assault on said base after gaining intelligence on it" I know this is preference, but I really hate 'said base' or 'said character'. Instead, it's simpler and easier for readers if you put 'an assault on the major base after…'
 * 7) **"could arise and removing a base on Tahu." Never use italics, bolding, or any sort of markup within an article. Remove that italics.
 * 8) **"were also ones deemed incompetent or untrustworthy." By who? Otherwise, borderline POV.
 * 9) **"the Srav Federation were also taking an" Srav Federation is singular, so 'were' to 'was'
 * 10) **"thinking they'd only be" No contraction please.
 * 11) **"to depart for Tahu with too little men" 'little' could work better as 'few', although that is borderline POV. Who says it is too little? Instead, say 'too few men to face two factions at once' or something to clear that up.
 * 12) **"the Militia had no idea, at this time," 'this' to 'that', past tense. Also, the part beginning with "the Death's Tongue force was believed…" needs to be a new sentence altogether, and needs a bit of clearer wording to get the message (that they never knew what was coming) clearer, please.
 * 13) *More later. Also I'm unsure who wrote this article, it seems Tom did because of the British English grammar/spelling; I am worried that if Unit edited/wrote this too, we may jump from British to American English, and so I ask that you keep consistency in mind when writing such articles. Unless you're both using British English, of course, but I haven't checked. All I know was that the 'Prelude' was in British English. Anyway, again, more later. --Victortalk 06:59, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) **Done. And just to clarify, we both did roughly half of the article each. I think I put it through an American spellcheck, but I may have missed stuff. Also, for the image, said state does not actually state who took the image. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  15:38, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) *OK. Can you still fix (crop) the image though anyway? And even if there is no name for the artist, still give the name of the website in the link to the source url. More actual review later. --Victortalk 07:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 17) * Images
 * 18) **The images are not evenly distributed. There are three really close to each other in one part, and none for sections afterwards.
 * 19) *Introduction
 * 20) **The Battle of Tahu was a fairly large battle of the Cruentusian War. Wording. Does 'large' mean lots of people were involved in it, or that it was very important? Please clarify.
 * 21) **The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs. Coordination. When there are three or more things, all except the last item in the series needs a conjunction after the comma.
 * 22) **[...] the Sravs and Necasians came under heavy fire from Death's Tongue militants, rioting natives, and biological weapons [...] Clarification. I do believe that 'biological weapons' could use a 'the' in front of it.
 * 23) **For the duration of the battle went into an unofficial ceasefire [...] Wording. Um...what?
 * 24) *Prelude
 * 25) **the Necasian Military began to take notice of what they had previously thought of as an insignificant faction, despite such raids as they had performed on Carrivar and Gresevokrad. Reference. 'They' who? The Power Rangers?
 * 26) **Meanwhile, the Death's Tongue Militia had set up shop on the arid world of Tahu [...] Informal. 'Set up shop' is informal.
 * 27) **Meanwhile, the Death's Tongue Militia had set up shop on the arid world of Tahu, which had fallen on hard times lately due to an influx of refugees. Reference. The word 'which' could refer to the militia, the base on Tahu, the planet, or James Kirk.
 * 28) **[...] the Death's Tongue Militia roused support for itself by distributing food and aid, which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds and apparently began work on a major base in the planet's desert. Coherence. That last phrase had nothing to do with the first. Another sentence seems to be in order.
 * 29) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Logic. Earlier you stated that Tahu was near Necasian territory. Now it is in the territory. It has hyperdrive!
 * 30) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Wording. The last phrase is rather awkward.
 * 31) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Wording. Though it is not wrong, it is more correct to have the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
 * 32) **The Sravs, however, had no idea that the Necasians also were launching assaults [...] Phrasing. 'Also' and 'were' could do with some switching.
 * 33) **[...] and pushed not as many troops into the battle as they could have done [...] Redundant. 'Done' is unnecessary and should be removed.
 * 34) **[...] the Necasians had thought the same as the Sravs; that the assault would be easy. Fragment. A semicolon roughly equates a period. Therefore, that makes "That the assault would be easy" to be a sentence, which it is not. Change to colon.
 * 35) ***That's the first two sections. I must say, this article has remarkably few errors and it promises to be interesting. Well done. I'll get to the rest later. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  21:14, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) *Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:36, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) From the screen of the Solusinator-2000
 * 38) *Arrival
 * 39) **[...] Srav's [...] Apostraphe use. I see sprinkled throughout this article the use of 'Srav's' as a plural noun. It is not. 'Srav's' is a possessive &mdash;an adjective. It should be 'Sravs.'
 * 40) **[...] soon became bogged down in quicksand areas [...] Logic. Tahu is a desert planet. Quicksand requires salt water and is wet, so unless the marsh is near Tahu's one sea, this is unlikely. Dry quicksand, however, is found in deserts. Yes, there is a difference, and for those weirdo science people the benefit of precise wording is nice.
 * 41) **[...] soon became bogged down in quicksand areas [...] Exactness. Is 'quicksand areas' the most vivid noun you could think of? If the place is large and well-known to the inhabitants, name the place something, maybe, and describe it. Adds flavor. Place-Where-People-Sink-And-Die or something. That way it's not 'quicksand area,' like the name of a 2D Sonic level.
 * 42) **[...] the heavy Krako Warrior Traversers vehicles being caught in the sand by some way [...] Wording. 'By some way' could be more precisely worded.
 * 43) **[...] there was little more than half a day between the two factions arriving at the city, leaving a confrontation being the key idea of the leader's of each faction. Wording. Awkward wording. Read it through a few times if you don't think so.
 * 44) *Siege
 * 45) **[...] despite the setbacks they had received earlier on with their machinery and weapons. Wordiness. 'On' is wordy and makes the sentence awkward
 * 46) **[...] they didn't spend their time preparing for the Srav arrival [...] Wording. Either 'a Srav arrival' or 'the Srav's arrival.' It is awkward as is.
 * 47) **[...]where they were suspected to have been, based upon the false information. Wording. The last phrase is awkward. So, the militia had a base on some place called False Information?
 * 48) **After just a few hours after the Necasian arrival [...] Wordiness. I think you can see what I'm talking about. 'After just' is redundant.
 * 49) **After just a few hours after the Necasian arrival the Sravs soon arrived [...] Wordiness. Whoa. You have three words that denote time - the same time I might add. Two 'afters' and a 'soon.' Just one of those words will suffice.
 * 50) **[...] but, with prior warning of the Necasians [...] Wording. So the Sravs were hanging out with a prior warning? Change to 'having' or something similar.
 * 51) **[...] but, with prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city [...] Fragment. The use of a comma and coordinating conjunction equates a period. That makes 'With prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city' to be a sentence. You may notice that it is not. Please fix.
 * 52) **[...] with prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city, missile launchers being used to trap the Necasians inside. Wording. That last phrase is awkward. It might sound better if 'missile launchers being used' was changed to a gerund phrase used as the subject of the infinitive. That means change it to 'using missile launchers.'
 * 53) **[...] still unaware of the Srav's outside [...] Wording. Outside what? As well, a word other than 'outside' would be beneficial.
 * 54) **[...] still unaware of the Srav's outside due to a failure in security [...] Logic. It would take a liiiiiiiittle bit more than a breach of security not to notice 1200 Infantrymen, 200 Hammer Division troops, 190 Drakuv-class assault tanks, 90 Kurtev-class heavy assault tanks, 200 Molot-class anti-infantry platforms, 40 Okol-class mobile missile launchers, 60 Drapeznik-class assault gunships, and 50 Yukel-class assault fighters. A little peek over one's shoulder might be enough to, I dunno, "establish visual contact" as one might say.
 * 55) **The Necasians, still unaware of the Srav's outside due to a failure in security, continued their searches, until Srav missiles hit the outskirts of the city and various structures within, killing many people before the Necasians could react, and return fire with the tanks they'd brought into the city with them, holding the Srav's predominantly away from the city until only the few stray missiles fired sporadically managed to pierce Necasian ranks and destroy a structure within the city. Run-on. All that is one sentence.
 * 56) **The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours, originally planned to merely starve them out of the city [...] Wordiness. Blockading is part of siege warfare. Starving a city's inhabitants falls into that category. This is a military article, please call it something like that.
 * 57) **The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours, originally planned to merely starve them out of the city [...] Logic. This assumes that, I dunno, the Sravs could outlast the Necasians. Who have access to a city full of food. The Sravs just have the rations they came with. Whoever is in charge of the Srav's logistics is napping.
 * 58) **[...] allowed the Srav's to breach the Necaisan defense in three points, and access the city [...] Comma usage. Remove the comma before 'and.'
 * 59) **[...] the battle now was fought in close combat on the streets, the use of artillery being removed by the close proximity of each of the faction's forces. Wording. That last phrase is awkward.
 * 60) ***That is part 2. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:21, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) *Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:32, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) **No it isn't. Go through all of my objections one by one. Especially the one about 'Srav's.' - Solus (Bird of Prey)  14:26, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ***It is now. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:41, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) Just as a note, I have not read over the above objections, because, as we say in Mexico, no me importan.
 * 66) *Introduction
 * 67) **and "take some of the heat off [its] back" – Why is that in quotes? Seriously? There is no real source, so that's obviously made up, and completely unnecessary, particularly because there is no source where its comes from. Obviously this is just a ploy to "get some heat off [your] backs" by running around POV rules. Reword, remove the fake quote. Just write it in proper grammar, like "and relieve themselves of recent losses" or something that applies. Anything but the prosey flop.
 * 68) **By the way, the second sentence is a massive run-on. Slice and dice it. Really.
 * 69) **Death's Tongue militants, rioting natives, and biological weapons laid by said militants. – Don't say 'said militants'. Just say 'by the militants'. Otherwise, this reads sloppy.
 * 70) **For the duration of the battle went the Necasians and Sravs went into an unofficial ceasefire – Read that and tell me if it makes sense; it shouldn't, so reword it to make sense.
 * 71) **due to their treatment of the native populace. – Whose treatment of the populace? The Sravs? Necasians? Death's Tongue? Isn't really clear.
 * 72) *Prelude
 * 73) **we decieve these – Spelling. That's from prelude's quote.
 * 74) **Your image caption lacks a period.
 * ", a move considered very audacious and risky by many in the galaxy, – Why? Isn't that what war is? Isn't that what the Necs and the Sravs are doing as well? Why is this any necessary? I would say remove that as that only makes your sentence needlessly longer and has absolutely no point there. All they did was attack them both. Big deal - like I said, the others have been doing the same throughout the whole war (as that is what war is about, no?)
 * 1) **"despite such raids that said faction had performed on Carrivar and Gresevokrad." – "said faction" is unnecessary; just say 'the faction'.
 * 2) **"on said base after gaining intelligence on it" – again, just say 'the base' instead of 'said base'. That's sloppy.
 * 3) **"a planet so near to Necasian territory." – so near? I believe the proper way to say this would be 'so close to' or 'in close proximity' (removing 'so near' completely)
 * 4) **"in order to ease the pressure on them" – This is what could go in the introduction instead of that ridiculous 'quote'.
 * 5) **Okay, not really a complaint, but either stick to American English or British English, don't skip around using both. "Unbeknownst" should either be "Unbeknown" and "whilst" should be "while", or, all should be in British English. I think even Tom once told some user that 'American English is our official language omg', so per that.
 * 6) **What are "Necasian SpecOps"? No links, no context, nothing. I mean, it's almost a clear cut obvious answer, but you still need to give context.
 * 7) **"the same as the Sravs: that the assault would be easy." Replace that colon with a comma.
 * 8) **"small amount of men" Bias, as in the Human species; since we all know Humans aren't the only species in the galaxy for sure in Star Wars (unless your Alternative Project Cruentus Saga deems otherwise) then it should be something like 'soldiers' or 'troopers' or something instead of 'men.'
 * 9) **"As a result, the Death's Tongue force was believed to not have known about what was considered an 'impending doom' moving down upon them. " That sentence is redundant, you just said that in the previous one. Combine this one with that one; I just see this as sticking in some last minute POV for lulz. No but seriously, combine it, otherwise I'm reading the same thing twice in a row.
 * 10) *Arrival
 * 11) **"not aware of one another," They can find out about some base of the DTM on a rather insignificant planet, yet they can't see or detect one another and their fleets? Really? I mean, I'm sure Cruentus era isn't that backed up in technology (if there's a Star Forge years before them, I'm sure there's look-there's-an-enemy-radar stuff)
 * 12) **Again, btw, that above sentence is a major run on. Try cutting stuff out or rewording and splitting up.
 * 13) **"methods so as to shield the " 'So as to' is very wordy, needless. Just put 'to'. That's all.
 * 14) **"The Sravs, thinking that the Necasians must have discovered the whereabouts of the Death's Tongue presence in the city, and so moved their" Reword this. Read it and you'll see it needs to be.
 * 15) **"moving forwards to pave the way" Forwards? I guess that's a word, but I think 'forward' alone is fine.
 * 16) **"The Srav's, by contrast, were trekking" Remove that apostrophe from Sravs.
 * 17) **Basically, this whole article so far has been a poor read, pretty nagging to read through. The grammar is just very sloppy, choppy. A lot of rewording could go into this. I simply don't see this as featured quality whatsoever yet, not even close.
 * 18) *Siege
 * 19) **If I missed any earlier, sorry, but I meant to say do not use contractions (don't use don't, instead say 'do not'). It is uncyclopedic. :P
 * 20) **"after the Necasian arrival Srav forward units soon showed up outside the city" You already said ' a few hours after'; saying 'soon' is unnecessary/redundant
 * 21) **Last sentence a huge run on, barely made sense of it. I saw another contraction in there as well. Clean it up, split it up please.
 * 22) **"with a loss of men" Again with that bias thing I mentioned above. Say 'loss of soldiers' or something similar. Units, troopers, whatever. But not men.
 * 23) **"The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours" Again with the incorrect apostrophe. Remove it. Plural =/= apostrophe. This probably occurred various times through the article (I see another one in this sentence) so please look through it to fix it.
 * 24) **"Eventually, the actions of a Necasian traitor " What actions? Intel? Tools? PWNAGE weaponry? Maps? Give context. Otherwise this is like a deus ex to get the Sravs inside the city for no good reason really. And why would he betray? For fun? For lollerskates?
 * 25) **"of each of the faction's forces. " Should be 'factions' forces' as we're talking about two factions here.
 * 26) *Okay, I'm done for now. –Victor  [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|15px]] ( talk page ) 07:17, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Awaiting any objections. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:45, 9 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Started reviewing this. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:23, 24 November 2008 (UTC)

Oppose

 * 1) From the united Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 2) *Just as an introductory note, I certainly hope that the quality of the articles has reviewed since you initially wrote the Battle of Kothlis, or this is going to be another disappointment. I don’t like being disappointed.
 * From the infobox:
 * 1) *In the outcome segment, I think you can be a little more specific and grammatically correct rather than just saying “Lost Ones defeat”.
 * 2) *I may be wrong, but doesn’t a four-way battle indicate that there were four sides that were all fighting each other in a massive one vs. one vs. one vs. one battle? I thought this battle was everyone against the Lost Ones? If so, I think it make more sense to change this to a two-way battle infobox and include all of the non-Lost Ones information under one side to indicate that those three were fighting together AGAINST the Lost Ones.
 * 3) *Given the imaginations of the people involved with Project Cruentus, I think that you can come up with better “strength” and “casualty” statistics than what you have there. My advice? Ask MPK for assistance in generating appropriate numbers of forces and casualties.
 * From the introduction:
 * 1) *“was a battle of the Cruentusian War” - there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but I just feel that it reads awkwardly. I’d write it as “was a battle during the Cruentusian War” or “was a battle that took place during the Cruentusian War”.
 * 2) *When you say “elite Rakata commando group” in reference to the Lost Ones, are you using that as an official description (as if to say, “the Navy Seals are an elite force within the United States Navy”), or is that just an adjective? This isn’t an objection unless it’s the latter, in which case it’s borderline POV. If it’s the former, then disregard this. The same goes for further down where it says “elite Necasian squad”.
 * 3) *Should it be “Rakata commando group” or “Rakatan commando group”? I’d assume the latter, but given that you’re writing in this time period then you might know more than me.
 * 4) *“Necasian hero” is borderline POV, although I see what you mean to say by it. I’d suggest saying “led by Haveer Jarn, who was hailed as a hero by the Necasians”. The same goes for “the Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings” a little further down.
 * 5) *“and both had to reluctantly work with each other” - I would personally say “work with one another”, but it’s up to you. That’s just my preference.
 * 6) *“violent duel” - while I’m sure the duel was violent, that’s pretty much POV. I think just saying a duel would suffice.
 * 7) *“with the combined efforts of the two commando groups” - what about the Zayre? You mention them once in regards to the duel, but then they’re not acknowledged again.
 * 8) *“and the Lost Ones were forced to flee” - it’s never really a good idea to use the word “forced” for something like this, because it implies that they had no other options (which, technically, isn’t true because they could have stayed and fought until the last man was dead). In an encyclopedic article, it shouldn’t be said for certainty that there were no other options, so just saying “and the Lost Ones fled” will suffice. Just as a heads up, to avoid awkward reading, the changing of the wording in the “forced” part necessitates a change in wording in the next part. I would say that the whole part of that sentence should say “and the Lost Ones fled, their temple on the planet having been razed by a Srav nuclear strike”.
 * 9) *Just in the interest of easy reading for everyone, I would suggest changing “razed” to destroyed. Of course I know what that means but, again, not everyone necessarily knows that sort of thing.
 * 10) *More to come later. The overview of the battle in the introduction intrigues me, so if there is an extensive review then hopefully there's a great story to go along with it. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 21:24, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. Also, it is my personal preference not to have exact figures in infoboxes, but I'll see what I can do. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:02, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 13) *Eliminating the outpost
 * 14) **However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Informal. 'Taken out' is informal.
 * 15) **However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Wording. Though it is not incorrect, it is considered more correct to place the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
 * 16) **Even as the Greyfox transport was changing course for Ahara, a Srav Federation transport passing by the system boundry also picked up the signal. Conicidentally, Srav heroine Nataska Vergulva and a group of Hammer Division special troops were aboard, heading to reinforce Srav outer holdings. Logic. This is a very difficult situation to pull off, having both heroes passing by the same small system at sublight speed. Though this isn't a 'true' objection, all I ask is that you come up with some other, more plausible way to set up this battle.
 * 17) **[...] taken out [...] Informal. This phrase is used far too much. It is very informal. I will not address any more single instances of it.
 * 18) *Taken by surprise
 * 19) **Suddenly, his motion sensor started to beep rapidly. Prose. 'Tis prosey.
 * 20) **Then, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, killing one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades. Prose. More prosey-ness, by George!
 * 21) **Repelling the nearest droids with a combination of explosive bullets and grenades, the squad members reported that they had insufficient numbers and ammunition to repel the droids in the immediate area alone. Redundant. The word 'repel' is used twice in this small section, A synonym for one of them is in order.
 * 22) **It was then that Jarn noticed a ship that was familiar to him fly overhead, peppered with fire from below. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Though I can assume what you are talking about, we must assume that there are people who will not.
 * 23) **As Jarn was on the verge of losing hope, he suddenly found himself literally bumping into a figure he recognized instantly. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Per above complaint.
 * 24) *Surrounded
 * 25) **The nuclear-tipped rocket propelled grenades [...] Hyphenation. 'Rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
 * 26) **However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wordy. 'On' is unnecessary.
 * 27) **However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wording. Again, though not incorrect, 'however' is more correct in the middle of a sentence.
 * 28) **In any case, he expressed a desire to witness the 'slave scum' crumble. Usage. 'Slave scum' should be "slave scum."
 * 29) **Vergulva informed them that the sheer amount of droids would result in it being shot down. Logic. Because there would be a lot of droids the ship would be shot down? It isn't the number that will get them shot down, it is the number's shooting that will get them shot down.
 * 30) **Vergulva dispatched them quickly with a combination of her sniper rifle and her personalized VLOK-19 combat pistol. Clarity. Is she dispatching them using both her rifle and pistol, or are her rifle and pistol combined into one weapon? Please clarify.
 * 31) ***Overall, not a bad article at all. I rather like it, and look forward to finishing this review. Remarkably few errors, just a few sniggly logic problems is all. Good work. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  03:04, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *Sorted. I will point out that I did not know that 'taken out' was a phrase considered informal. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:49, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) JM76's review:
 * Infobox
 * 1) *The unit count and casualties section is sub par, mainly because it lacks troop count. It is not detailed or comprehensive. I would recommend fixing that.
 * Intro
 * 1) *"...elite Rakata commando group..." Elite is possibly PoV.
 * 2) *"...having obtained the powerful artifact..." Powerful is PoV. And where is the context for the artifact? What does it have to do with the cache of Rakatan droids?
 * 3) *"...which managed to send off a distress call." How did it do this? Did it send it before it was destroyed? On destruction?
 * 4) *"Both an elite Necasian squad..." see above.
 * 5) *"...both had to reluctantly work with each other against the Ratakan droid legions." Why? How did the Rakatan numbers fare in comparison to the other two forces? I can't tell because of your lack of detail in the infobox.
 * Prelude
 * 1) * "Ravyr also believed that it could be also..." Saying 'it could also be' sounds more natural. Just a personal nitpick.
 * 2) *"used to access leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology." Again, how?
 * 3) * "Some of the other Lost Ones expressed doubt over this privately, not willing to cross Ravyr while he had still had access to the Hand of Darkness." Almost non sequitur. Try to connect those two clauses better.
 * 4) *"...droid cadre." This is the third time you've mentioned a cadre. Not really a complaint, but it would be nice if the vocabulary was a bit more varied.
 * 5) *"Already, he was concocting fantasies..." Prosetry.
 * 6) *"Despite this, Ravyr initiated his attack plan immediately." Saying 'despite this' isn't really necessary because Ravyr didn't know about the potential problems with his plan.
 * The battle
 * 1) *"As the personnel manning the base..." Saying something like, 'because' or 'since' would be more natural. Again, nitpick.
 * 2) *"...could not identify it..." They have the 'most advanced technology' yet they are unable to identify the ship?
 * 3) *"To his horror..." Prosetry.
 * 4) *"...commandos immediately began to systematically slaughter the staff there..." Slaughter is PoV. And prosetry.
 * 5) *"Arriving there, he found, as he expected..." Comma splice.
 * 6) *"Ravyr made a grandiose speech..." Prosetry.
 * 7) *"However, Ravyr had failed to realise that passing through the system was a Necasian SkyBull-class transport vessel, with Haveer Jarn, regarded as a hero by his people, and the elite Necasian squad of veterans known as Greyfox Squad, aboard." This sentence has been repeated twice already.
 * 8) *"...an insignificant outpost..." An insignificant outpost with some of the most advance spy equipment available?
 * 9) *"Nevertheless, the Necasian transport arrived just ahead of the Sravs on the planet." Obviously, the Necasians changed course first.
 * 10) * "...from the outpost remains." I would reword as 'remains of the outpost' or 'outpost's remains'.
 * 11) *"A few seconds later, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, and killed one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades." Prosetry.
 * 12) *"...timid locals..." PoV.
 * 13) * "The transport landed near the village out of sight..." How does it land near the village but out of sight? Context.
 * 14) *"...he literally bumped into Nataska Vergulva, suprising him." No context. How does she get there? This entire section is told from Necasian PoV.
 * 15) *"As the last clips of ammunition were used up, however, and the commandos prepared for the worst, Srav Yukel fighters swooped overhead..." Deus ex machina. Not an official objection, just pointing it out.
 * 16) * "...the settlement was infested with droids, Vergulva simply replied that they would have to be culled from the air." So at first, she objects retreating because there are droids, but then she insists that the only option they have is to repel the droids from the air?
 * 17) *"...inside the lead one..." Sounds unencyclopedic. Consider rewording.
 * 18) * "However, neither side failed to notice..." So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?
 * 19) * "...Storm Ironwings, heroine of the Zayre..." PoV.
 * 20) * "...Ironwings smashed right through the roof of the complex, protected by her armor, surprising Ravyr and his cronies." Armor would not protect you from such a drop. And 'cronies' is PoV and prosetry.
 * 21) *"...his already comparatively potent abilities." PoV.
 * 22) *"...but was shocked when he merely laughed in response." He can shrug off lightning? What type of powers does this artifact have?
 * 23) * "...Ravyr furiously engaged her directly..." PoV and prosetry.
 * 24) * "...still nonetheless dangerous Rakatan henchmen." PoV.
 * 25) * "However, with Ravyr distracted by the duel, the Rakatan droids had fallen in disarray." Does Ravyr have to consciously command the droids? Context.
 * 26) * "...via parachute to avoid being taken out by the anti-air defenses there." An anti-air gun would easily shred a sluggish paratrooper to bits.
 * 27) * "...where Ravyr was finally getting the upper hand with Ironwings." I believe he has always held the upper hand.
 * 28) *"Although his armour and the healing propeties bestowed on him by the Hand made sure that the barrage was not lethal..." Please specify the powers of this artifact. The Star Forge did not prevent someone from dying, as we have seen through Malak.
 * 29) *"...coupled with the renewed vigor..." Context needed. It's prosetry too.
 * 30) *"By now, Ravyr's armor... other Zayre made their escape." Read my comments above about the artifact.
 * 31) * "...told that the droid army had deactivated itself..." Context. Why did they shut down automatically?
 * Aftermath
 * 1) * "...despite their enmity with them..." Prosetry.
 * 2) * "...the Zayre returned to Ankarr immediately after the battle, in order to continue the fortifications..." Comma splice.
 * 3) * "In addition, both factions started moving the pieces from their weapons away..." Context. Whose weapons are we talking about?
 * 4) * "...and had chosen to depart the planet..." Should read, 'to depart from the planet'.
 * 5) *"...where they had fought for control over the planet." Context? Why would they fight over a desert planet? What planets have they fought over before?
 * 6) * "...and so the Necasian Military and Srav Federation followed the suit of the Zayre, and left the planet." You've said this already in the last paragraph.
 * 7) *"...very few were affected by that..." Be specific. What is 'that'? Nuclear bombings are usually messy, btw, they are rarely containable.
 * Legacy
 * 1) * "The Legacy of the battle..." No need for capitalization.
 * 2) *"...due to the fact that both factions felt many of the people under their jurisdiction may panic from the fact that a new faction of Rakatans were at large in the Galaxy." Why would the people freak out? Aren't their militias reliable enough to defend them? Context.
 * 3) *"...both Jarn and Vergulva were commended by their superiors for their conduct." Why? Their teamwork seemed very one-sided - the Srav were the only ones who benefited.
 * Overall, I'd just like to point out that the idea of nuclear-tipped rocket launchers seems absolutely ridiculous. The artifact used in this article seems to grant Mary-Sue style powers in terms of granting temporary immortality to the user. Contractions are a no-no and please stick to either British or American spelling, but not both (e.g., 'armor' vs 'armour'. Finally, commas are abused way to much in this article. They are used over-excessively and the elongated sentences in which they are present could easily be split into multiple sentences or reworded so they don't need all those commas. Cheers, &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 07:11, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. However:
 * 2) ***Nuclear shells--i.e. containing depleted uranium--exist in real life. So nuclear-tipped RPGs are not that ridiculous.
 * 3) ***So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?--as mentioned a few sentences before, it was stealth-equipped.
 * Read that sentence again. By your wording, you're implying that both sides noticed the stealth-equipped vessel. Just wanted to make sure that's what you're implying. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 18:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) *Other than that, done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:37, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) **Oh, I see. Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:54, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) *JM76 - Round Two:
 * 4) * "...the world belonging to the Necasian Military..." Who are the Necasians? Context.
 * 5) *Saying the Hand of Darkness is like the Star Forge isn't a good analogy because the Hand of Darkness can do several things - granting immortality, negate wounds, resistance to elements - that the Star Forge cannot.
 * 6) * "...leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology..." Who or what is the Infinite Empire? Context.
 * 7) * "Meanwhile, he worked on accessing former Infinite Empire intelligence networks..." How? Explain.
 * 8) *In-universe quotes should remain in the quotes, not in the article itself.
 * 9) *"Unbeknownst to the Lost Ones..." British spelling. Alter to American spelling.
 * 10) * "...with Necasian hero Haveer Jarn..." Hero is PoV.
 * 11) *There is no context given as to why and how the Infinite Empire and their droids made their way to Ahara.
 * 12) * "Coincidentally, Srav heroine..." PoV.
 * 13) * "...as part of a scouting mission into the area." Why are they scouting an insignificant system? In fact, why are they scouting at all? Context.
 * 14) * All instances of 'rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
 * 15) * "...remained fled to Malachor V..." Context on Malachor V.
 * 16) * "...by the sheer amount of punishment..." Prosetry.
 * Enjoy. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 02:49, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. As for the Star Force analogy, both use Force power, so that's what I meant. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:43, 10 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Cruentus's 3rd FAN. Awaiting objections. Unit 8311 Talk!  20:38, 30 November 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) I was wondering when this would be renominated. :)
 * 2) *Infobox
 * 3) **Link to Human.
 * 4) **We use metric system, so 6'3" is 1.905 meters in height. Replace it with that.
 * 5) **For the hair color, I recommend something like 'Gray (originally brown)' since it was last gray.
 * 6) **Eras need to be corrected, assuming you're going by canon eras. They would be 'Rise of the Empire era', 'Rebellion era', and then 'Legacy era'. Notice 'era' is not capitalized, and they need to be arranged in a list format, whether it be with bullet points (*) or with line breaks
 * 7) *Behind the scenes
 * 8) **I'd recommend using your full name as opposed to just your username, so you could refer to yourself in the third person as 'Greenwood', rather than Riff. I would also highly recommend expanding the BTS as it is. More on the development, inspirations, etc. for the character and his story and whatever other behind the scenes stuff you might wish to include.
 * 9) *Categories
 * 10) **I'd recommend alphabetizing your categories. Not required. However, you are missing the species and gender category. Just because he is a cyborg doesn't mean he is no longer a human or a male.
 * 11) *More to come later .--Victortalk 20:38, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) Here's what I could find:
 * 13) *He hoped that his son would find a way to escape the horrors of war by becoming an architect or a dentis...horrors of war is POV. War is not horrofic for a sadist or a mentally disturbed person, but still POV.
 * 14) *Around the age of six, Aurelius secretly accessed holofiles on the greatest battles of the last few millenia in the galaxy and hid them as soon as his parents were nearby....change to 'what were considered the greatest battles' to be safe.
 * 15) *He became quite strong at the pastime,...more POV.
 * 16) *the gritty news of the HoloNet....'gritty' is bordlerline POV. And you should clarify this statement, unless the sports or financial news were gritty as well.
 * 17) *Aurelius Tempest was present during the Erhynradd Massacre...context on what the Erhynradd massacre is.
 * 18) *Tempest wanted to get a look at the Empire's newest toy...either put 'newest toys' in quotation marks like that or replace it.
 * 19) *Tempest was lucky to not have been so close to docking...'lucky' is POV. 'He considered himself lucky', change it to.
 * 20) *I'd also recommend you put the quote in 'military career' to the top of the section.
 * 21) *In the end, the victors were the Imperials; first payback was bittersweet., POV and should be rewritten, as it doesn't make too much sense to me.
 * 22) *their caskets covered up due to the horrendous mutilation...'horrendous' is POV.
 * 23) *Night after night, he would feel attacked, like millions of zenji needles were prodding his body,...prosey. Rewrite.
 * 24) *The only way to deal with his pain was to escape from the facility and to find his family's murderers....more POV.
 * 25) *By the time the securities searched the skies for him...the securities what?
 * 26) *Each time, the murders were more extravagant and could only indicate that the next one would be even bigger....POV
 * 27) *purchase a ship that had good range in firepower....POV, and good range doesn't go with firepower.
 * 28) *The ship would be the pinnacle of his revenge...POV
 * 29) *The machine worked beautifully...POV
 * 30) *He was to the book...reword
 * 31) *a wise move considering they had caught the galaxy in a time...'wise move' is POV
 * 32) *BTS could be expanded a bit.
 * 33) *To conclude, interesting story, but in technical terms the article is a bit behind. Not a fan of the images either, but I'm not holding that against the article. Not a shabby job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  21:22, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 34) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 35) *Introduction
 * 36) **He engaged in many of the famous battles and events of the Galactic Civil War, including the Battle of Hoth, the Battle of Endor, though preferred to keep his accomplishments at a minimum [...] Coordination. There should be an 'and' not a comma in between 'Hoth' and 'the.'
 * 37) *Military career
 * 38) **It was then that he noticed strange looking apelike humanoids being escorted as prisoners out of the complex. Hyphenation. Ape-like, not apelike.
 * 39) ***Ah think that's it. Prepare to take hours to fix it. Muahaha. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  17:59, 13 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) From the imperial Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 41) *Introduction:
 * 42) **“General Aurelius Tempest (born 42 BBY, reborn 38 ABY on Bastion) was one of many Imperial hardliners of the first and second Galactic Empires”. What’s an imperial hardliner? Is that like a foreign policy hawk or a neo-conservative? I’d suggest using better terminology there, and also “hardliner” COULD be considered POV because it begs the question, who is it hardline too? Is it hardline to everyone? I’d also suggest changing the beginning to read “Aurelius Tempest was an Imperial General and one of many…” and then go on from there. Finally, you need to link to both the first and second Galactic Empire.
 * 43) **“at a minimum” - I think the proper terminology is “to a minimum”, but I could be wrong.
 * 44) **Although this isn’t a requirement but rather a strong recommendation, instead of saying “Rebel Alliance” in this first mentioning you should instead say “Alliance to Restore the Republic”. The same will go for the first mentioning of it in the Biography section, which I’ll remind you about once we get there.
 * 45) **“Tempest also took control during the Yuuzhan Vong War” - took control of what?
 * 46) **“to protect entities on multiple planets such as Bastion” - what entities? Are they people? Ghosts? Goblins? Furry rats in a Manhattan dumpster? Also, although it’s not required, you should add a comma after “multiple planets” so it’s clear that Bastion is a planet, not an entity.
 * 47) **“from the invasion force” - what invasion force? Context is needed. Don’t assume that the reader knows what the Yuuzhan Vong War is. You need to give context on this sort of thing.
 * 48) **“Not completely mindless and brainwashed by the Empire’s ideals” - mindless and brainwashed are POV, even if you’re saying that he was NOT mindless and brainwashed.
 * 49) **“full understanding” is borderline POV because that suggests he knew 100% of everything. I suggest removing “full” and just leaving the understanding part.
 * 50) **“marvel at the little things” is, as Wookieepedia calls it, flowery prose.
 * 51) **Give context on what The Tempest Files are.
 * 52) **Give a brief bit of context on why he agreed to work with the rebels.
 * 53) **“during when he met his wife” - poor wording. Change to “during which time he met his wife”.
 * 54) **“horrible” is outright POV.
 * 55) **“leading him to attempted suicide” - I get what you’re going for here, but the wording is awkward. You should change it to “leading him to attempt suicide”.
 * 56) **Saying “fellow Imperial associate” doesn’t make any sense considering he’s not supposed to be part of the Rebel Alliance.
 * 57) **Give a brief bit of context on how he was able to regenerate himself. Not much, but enough to clarify.
 * 58) **“Bloodthirsty” is POV.
 * 59) **How did his hunt across the galaxy end the lives of millions? Context needed.
 * 60) **Understudies? Do you mean underlings? Subordinates might be a better word.
 * 61) *Beginnings:
 * 62) **You mention in the infobox that Tempest was born on Ralltiir, but you’ve neglected to mention it here in the biography. Please do so.
 * 63) **What’s the Ralltiir Guard? Brief context needed.
 * 64) **Is Gonn watching the Naboo incident with great attention relevant to this article? I don’t think so, and it’s not necessary in order to make the point found in the next sentence. I suggest removing the “great attention” part.
 * 65) **Why did Gonn find him harmless? Why was Tempest picked on? How did he become violent? When you’re not working with sourced material, you need to provide proper context and elaboration.
 * 66) **“little Aurelius” - prosey (aka, flowery prose. I’ll use the term “prosey” from here on out).
 * 67) **What’s a holoshooter? Context.
 * 68) **Stating that Gonn was inherently responsible for Tempest’s interest in self-defense is POV. A quick fix is saying that Gonn believed he was inherently responsible.
 * 69) *More later. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 00:57, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) *Military career:
 * 71) **Wow. I’ve told Unit that his quotes were bad before, but this….this is just a really bad quote. In the interest of quality, I really suggest either changing it or removing it, because it's just not funny.
 * 72) **“better adapted” is POV
 * 73) **Who’s Dooku and what is his droid army?
 * 74) **How did he become involved as a Republic strategist? What did he become involved in?
 * 75) **What’s Order 66, and where is this headquarters? What is the headquarters for?
 * 76) **A little context is needed on the rise of the Empire. Also link to the Galactic Empire.
 * 77) **“heavily” in heavily considered is POV. Also, why did he consider running for the Senate? Also, link to the Senate. Why did he instead join the Imperial Army?
 * 78) **What did Gonn feel were “more constructive means”? Also, WHAT did he feel could have been for more constructive means? That whole sentence is poorly worded and doesn’t make much sense.
 * 79) **Link to 7 ABY.
 * 80) **What’s a Death Star? Is that like what happens when a star goes supernova?
 * 81) **Link to 16 BBY.
 * 82) **Again, because this is now the article itself, you need to give context on The Tempest Files. Don’t assume the reader knows what you’re talking about.
 * 83) **What’s Aantooine?
 * 84) **What’s a Spalgar? o_O
 * 85) **“he became inspired to construct” - specify who “he” is. Based on everything else that was said in the sentence, there could be some confusion.
 * 86) **Why did he become inspired to construct the fortress? And what do you mean “of similar magnitude”? Similar magnitude of what? Was this thing big? Similar magnitude could mean the size of a pin head or the size of a galaxy. We don’t know because we haven’t been told.
 * 87) **“Aurelius Tempest was present during the” - why are you giving us his full name again?
 * 88) **“good friend” is borderline POV so I suggest you just change it to “friend”.
 * 89) **What’s the Galactic Civil War?
 * 90) **This is the first time you mention the rebels in the biography section. You need to properly link to either Rebel Alliance or Alliance to Restore the Republic, you need to give context to who they are, and you need to state why he would have been angry with them in the first place.
 * 91) **Why did Tarkin’s loss further fuel his anger?
 * 92) **“against Rebel sympathizers in the system” - what system?
 * 93) **Since you already linked to the overall Death Star article before, link to the first Death Star article when you say “news that the Death Star was nearing”.
 * 94) **“newest toy” really isn’t encyclopedic when you’re not directly quoting it from a quotable source.
 * 95) **I may be wrong, but I believe battle station is two words. If it’s stated differently in canon then ignore this.
 * 96) **What’s Sector N-1?
 * 97) **This explosion that you’re referring to, is it from the Death Star sabotage level that was in Battlefront II? If so, and if there’s an article to that event on Wookieepedia, refer to it and link to it.
 * 98) **What’s quadanium debris? I’d say give context but that’s irrelevant, so I’d suggest just taking out that word and leaving it as just “debris”. Simpler and more effective that way.
 * 99) *More later. Nearly thirty objections for only three paragraphs takes a lot out of a reviewer. I have to say, and this is no offense to you, Riff, but I’m not enjoying this review. So far, I’m pretty disappointed in the overall quality, as my lengthy list of objections likely hinted to, but I’m not a fan of the storyline either. Maybe it’ll get better, but so far he seems like the typical clichéd “he was the best at everything” imperial character that you’ll find on this wiki. Hopefully this is just a misguided first impression based on the beginning of the article. I hope I’m wrong. - Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 06:17, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) **Just a few notes in response to this. I won't have time tonight to complete the changes to the article.
 * 101) ***While I understand that the reader might not understand everything they come across in the article, do links to existing articles on SWF not help anymore? I realize my creations might need explaining but should I have to explain what everything is outside their articles? If someone does not know what a Death Star, then frankly I don't believe they really belong here.
 * 102) ***If I did not link to an article on Wookieepedia already like I normally would, then I will do so.
 * 103) ***Our article is at starwars:Battlestation but it can be spelled either way.
 * 104) ***starwars:Sector N-1
 * 105) ***The sabotage on the Death Star is seen in the novel starwars:Death Star (novel) but I am unsure if we have an article on that event.
 * 106) ***Not going to remove specific concepts such as starwars:quadanium.
 * 107) **I will take all changes/edits/improvements into consideration. I am sorry that you feel this is not a strong article and that it might come off as too Mary Sue for you but I will attempt to make it shine. --  Riffsyphon  1024 09:24, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 108) *In response to your comment about people not knowing what the Death Star is, I don't think you're understanding the concept of the encyclopedic article. You're not writing the article for Star Wars fans. You're writing it as if it's being written for the world, solar system, galaxy, universe, etc. Not everyone is going to know what the Death Star is, so you need to give context on something like that, and give context on anything else like that. Think of the bigger picture rather than just Star Wars fans. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:10, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) **Fair enough Brandon. I will think of the bigger picture. --  Riffsyphon  1024 09:48, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:29, 1 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Renomination of article after it was demoted to Former Featured Status in August 2008. It has been updated to Ataru's wishes per his list of changes, mostly POV and Prose fixes. --  Riffsyphon  1024 13:23, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * All given instances given by Victor and Unit 8311 fixed/corrected/rewritten. --  Riffsyphon  1024 05:10, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Starting review. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:30, 24 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments
In light of the recent FAN mini-crisis, and due to impatience, I'm pulling this from the GAN to here. Awaiting objections. Unit 8311 Talk!  19:49, 10 February 2009 (UTC)


 * IMO, you should have waited to nominate this until after Ahara and Tahu are done. You still have a litany of objections for both of these articles that will need to be addressed, and because those two have already been started they are obviously going to be prioritized over this. If impatience was part of the reason for pulling this from the GAN page, then I suggest you prepare to be patient here as well. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:32, 10 February 2009 (UTC)

Opppose

 * 1) Here's what I could find:
 * 2) *'The project was named 'Jedimca0' after the Jedi Order, as the planned Clone Army, like the Jedi, were supposed to stand for peace and kindness throughout the galaxy, as planned by Caloi.'...'were' after Jedi should be 'was'
 * 3) *'The original clones did not survive for longer than a weak, due to health issues, whilst, in the second batch, one Clone died within the month.' get rid of the comma after whilst, and change that whilst to 'while'--US spelling.
 * 4) *'However, the second batch did survive until adulthood, however were killed by the scientists due to being considered by the scientists to be too weak' Look at this sentence closely.
 * 5) *'The third batch were created and designed to be far more warlike.' were to was.
 * 6) *'When New Republic scientist, Iaku Caloi, visited Kamino in an attempt to learn from the cloning techniques of the Kaminoans, those that had been used to grow the Grand Army of the Republic during the Clone Wars' get rid of the those after Kaminoans and give context to the clone wars.
 * 7) *Who is Taun We?
 * 8) *Why did he feel that the NR hierachy would not approve? If there was no specific reason, disregard this.
 * 9) *'o would be Males of Caloi's Army.' Decapitalize males.
 * 10) *'As soon as they were removed from the cloning tanks, they began to deteriorate until, eventually, they died within the week of having been first created.' Get rid of the commas around eventually.
 * 11) *'and Jedimca6 being conceived in the minds of the scientists' I think you should reword this.
 * 12) *'These three clones managed to survive the transition from the cloning tank to the real world'...unless the cloning tank is some weird matrix thing, substitute a different term for 'real world'. Just say 'the world outside' or something.
 * 13) *'the growth process scientifically accelerated.' Put a 'with' in front of this.
 * 14) *'as it was with the first three clones, another disaster,' 'disaster' is POV.
 * 15) *'this batch being the most warlike of the previous two, this being evident to the scientists after just three years' 'most warlike' is POV, and you should split this sentence.
 * 16) *'though the clones, seemingly, appeared to be the dreams of the scientists,' reword. Say that they were ideal to the scientists or something.
 * 17) *'nd kept maintaining to Caloi, from a young age, that she wished to leave' get rid of the commas around 'from a young age'.
 * 18) *'Although Caloi denied her all sort of right, and mistreated her due to his mental issues,' POV, and I think it's 'rights'.
 * 19) *'Battleship' is one word.
 * 20) *That's enough for now. I might present more later. Story's okay, but grammer is a bit wonky in parts. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:47, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) **All addressed. --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] <font color="#000001">(talk) <font color="#000001">(contributions) 10:10, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * To be honest, I didn't think the general quality was feature-deserving for this when I read the article during the GA nomination. Still, I'll give it another read. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 01:22, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Same here. I'm preparing a review to tear this to shreds. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 01:24, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Then, gentlemen, if you could note your objections so they can be addressed and this could become a FA it'd be appreciated. --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] <font color="#000001">(talk) <font color="#000001">(contributions) 16:11, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Uh, what did you think we were going to do when we said "I'll give it another read" and "I'm preparing a review" lol? - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:07, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) The Desk approves. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:45, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  Darth Wylind [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|26px]] ( Conference Room ) 18:15, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) I've looked over this, and with both Ataru and Unit's objections corrected I believe this is of FA status. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 22:35, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Brent Krajewski [[Image:Pylon.gif|27px]]  (The Forge)   (Gateway)  01:50, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) No objections. Looks tidy. --[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 04:21, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Mulluns (Talk) 06:45, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] <font color="#000001">(talk) <font color="#000001">(contributions) 07:41, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:56, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) Lavi (talk) 19:08, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Oppose

 * 1) From the freshly resurrected desk of Atarumaster88
 * 2) * No FAN tag? Improvement tag? Please rectify.
 * 3) * "however, the survivors who migrated to Doluc II began to oppose Republic action began to support anti-Republican policies" Awkward wording.
 * 4) * Personally, I'd like to see a little more about the planet itself than just its history in the intro. Maybe a bit more on society would be nice, along with some more climate description?
 * 5) * I'd like a little more detail on the transition between tribes and cities&mdash;there seems to be some backstory missing from between the Early History and Sons of Bogan section.
 * 6) * " As the Sith forces approached" Where?
 * 7) * A little more context on Turus' actions during the battle, please. This may involve writing more backstory.
 * 8) * "most noble house" Some POV here.
 * 9) * "so to did their markets and trade expand." Awkward wording.
 * 10) * "Dolucian separatists movment" Capitalization and spelling errors.
 * 11) * Some time periods for Isolation would be good. As in, years. It gets sort of confusing what eras you're talking about.
 * 12) * Might want to clarify that Fayne brought a fleet with him.
 * 13) * "However, Rebel forces see the Empire's dissenting governor as an opportunity to liberate a world from Imperial control. Under the command of Admrial Ackbar, the joint Rebel-Doluc force manages to destroy Charpels' Star Destroyer, the Pious, and forces the survivors to flee back to Imperial Center." Present tense.
 * 14) * "making Delphiki still be allowed to keep his seemingly separate" Awkward wording.
 * 15) * "Delphiki was able to lead almost as secretively as in the Deep Core asteroid." Lead what? His companies? Or did he somehow gain a government post that was not explained?
 * 16) * Contextify Vancita Alliance.
 * 17) * Third para of weather and climate has tense issues.
 * 18) * "From its earliest stages, the Dolucian government founded on Doluc II strove for freedom and an independence from galactic affairs, in general" A bit of POV and weasel words here.
 * 19) * If the Faynes are from Doluc II, that should be noted somewhere in the History.
 * 20) *This was an interesting read. While I thought that there were a few parts here and there that could use a bit more backstory, this is a nice, quality read. If all SWF planet articles strove for this level of quality (once the objections are fixed, lol), there could be a lot more planet FAs. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:37, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Fixed. Feel free to look over when you have the time. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 01:32, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) Here's what I could find:
 * 2) *'Doluc II's surface was green and lush, covered with green foliage and a teeming variety of fauna'--prosey
 * 3) *'Due to the unique abundance of animal life,' unique seems a bit POV.
 * 4) *'However, the Sons of Bogan's influence on the Dolucians of the moon was strong' strong is POV
 * 5) *'formerly-blissful' 'blissful' is POV
 * 6) *'However, this technological golden age came with a price', whoah, MAJOR POV.
 * 7) *'wisdom of the Jedi arts', 'wisdom' is POV.
 * 8) *'Doluc II and the other moons proved a more difficult task', 'difficult' is POV.
 * 9) *'the Sons had treated them with more consideration and respect than the Sith had' POV
 * 10) *'King Arken's rule marked a golden age for the Dolucian people;' yet more pOV
 * 11) *'The dark-siders became so powerful, in fact,' powerful is POV
 * 12) *'Dolucians entered a second golden age.' POV
 * 13) *'However, the governor was a proud man,' POV
 * 14) *'Some beneficial factors came'...POV.
 * 15) *'Though the Dolucian Navy could protect its world from pirate fleets, it stood no chance against the might of the Galactic Alliance's armada of ships.', POV, and vaguely prosey.
 * 16) *'chances were high that it also was raining throughout the planet' reword; prosey
 * 17) *'he majority of the population was also educated fairly well' POV
 * 18) *That's it for now. I might do more later. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:14, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Fixed. Feel free to look over when you have the time. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 22:34, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) They asked me to vote. Blame them.
 * 2) *Intro
 * 3) **From paragraph 2: "...the steppes and hills that encompassed the planet [...]" From paragraph 3: "...the steppes and hill country that encompassed the planet's surface [...]" Redundancy. The use of "encompassed" and the hills and steppes forms a redundancy.
 * 4) **"...Darth Ruin [...]" Missing antecedent. Who is Darth Ruin?
 * 5) **"...the Sith again rose to power [...]" Missing antecedent. When was the first time they rose to power on Doluc II? Or was it even on Doluc II?
 * 6) **"The Doluc loyalist faction was victorious, however, the battle contributed to growing opposition to Republic policies [...]" Comma usage. The comma before "however" should be a semicolon for the sentence to make sense as it is currently worded.
 * 7) **"The Doluc loyalist faction was victorious, however, the battle contributed to growing opposition to Republic policies and intervention in Dolucian wars and this sentiment contributed to the Dolucians stance in the Clone Wars. Run-on.
 * 8) **"The faction of Dolucians who opposed Republic sovereignty was the most popular and numerous on Doluc; after the Battle of Doluc, however, the survivors who migrated to Doluc II began to oppose Republic action and support anti-Republican policies on the moon." Logic. After the semicolon, the word "however" is used, giving the reader the feeling that the second independent clause will be fairly opposite the first one. The second clause, however, only builds on the first one. The use of "however" is incorrect, logically.
 * 9) **"Dolucian separatists" Usage. The phrase is used throughout the last few paragraphs, and is used as if this is the name of the faction other than the Dolucian Liberty and Autonomy faction. If "Dolucian separatists" is going to be used in place of it as a shorter version of the name, "separatists" should be capitalized.
 * 10) **"...Dolucian public opinion continued to support the notion that the Doluc system had the right to govern itself and it took military action on the part of the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances to subjugate the independently-minded Dolucian people." Logic. It sounds almost as if it was working with the GFFA, which makes no sense in light of the rest of the sentence. What did you mean?
 * 11) ***TBC - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:26, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) *Cont.
 * 13) *Early History
 * 14) **"...the Dolucians found it easy to hunt the wildlife who had no former interaction with sentient predators." Usage. The "the" before "wildlife" confuses the sentence. Remove it.
 * 15) **"...the Dolucians found it easy to hunt the wildlife who had no former interaction with sentient predators." Usage. The use of "who" after "wildlife" makes it somewhat unsure as to whether the "who" is referring to the wildlife or to the Dolucians. "That" would probably be a better word choice.
 * 16) **"However, the conversion from village to town took time, and very few towns had been built by 5,000 BBY." The second independent clause expounds upon the first one and is more related than a second independent clause would be. Either the "and" should be taken out or "only" should be placed after "and," or something similar.
 * 17) ***TBC - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:35, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Go ahead, kill review away. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 22:37, 21 February 2009 (UTC)