Star Wars: Episode I - The Chosen One/First Edition/Reviews

This page has been created as an archive of all current reviews from the chapters of Star Wars: Episode I - The Chosen One. I have created this page because it is very likely that I will be removing the individual chapters of the novel from this wiki and presenting them here in some other fashion, so as to avoid the free-use aspects of the GFDL copyright laws.

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * "stilled laid" needs fixing.
 * Lol, that's a bad one. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  17:55, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * I appreciate the imagery you're trying to pull off with the skeletons, and it's good imagery, albeit slightly unrealistic. Dathomir is a forested planet (at least near the graveyard), with the large amounts of bacteria and mold and other decomposition-oriented organisms and creatures. I doubt even a skeleton would last thousands of years, particularly with the large amount of water.
 * Meh, a lot of things in Star Wars are unrealistic. I think I'll keep this one. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  17:55, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "The world had a diverse terrain that includes coastal lakes, thick forests, snow-capped mountains, raging rivers and broad savannas." Is the present tense intentional?
 * No, it's not. That's an error. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  17:55, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Depending on how much canon you intend to follow, has Plageuis been a Sith for most of his 4,000 years? Because if so, that means he would be alive for the Battle of Ruusan and he would pre-date Bane's existence. Furthermore, that also means that he's possibly experienced the LOUPB, depending on his exact age and whether or not that particular story exists in this reference frame.
 * He's been a Sith for a fraction of those 4,000 years. He was alive during the Battle of Ruusan, albeit in a self-imposed exile at that point. I also like your term used when you mentioned TLOUPB: yes, he did experience TLOUPB, more so than you might realize. That's all I'll say. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  17:55, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Prologue is interesting. I liked the way Plageuis and Sidious were depicted. Except that Palpy needs some evil laughter. ;-) Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:31, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Who says this is Palpatine? o_O - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  17:55, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Bah! You and your plot twists! :-P Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:58, 19 January 2008 (UTC)

General

 * I like how you gave all of Dofines lines to haako, hopefully haako wont die in this one. I need to know something, are you planing to kill the separatist when you do Revenge of the sith?TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 22:10, 1 December 2007 (UTC)


 * I have no idea what I'll be doing in Rise of the Sith (its not "Revenge", at least not at the moment). I don't even know if there will really be Separatists. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  22:12, 1 December 2007 (UTC)


 * Dude there has to be a confederacy, it was the best government ever. Also if you dont want to make the CIS(Best bad guys), just include the federation again.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 23:20, 1 December 2007 (UTC)

Lol, the confederacy was rediculous. Cowardly Neimoidians and battle droids fighting against the Republic and nearly winning? Please... - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  00:11, 2 December 2007 (UTC)


 * He is doing it based on George Lucas' original ideas, I don't believe the "Confederacy of Independent Systems" was in there. When he first mentioned the "Clone Wars", no exact reference to whom the Republic fought was made. -- Wing, the Philosopher  [[Image:Tristram army.jpg|20px]] ( msg )
 * They didn't nearly win. But the Republic had a couple million units and the CIS (according to Wookieepedia) had... quintillions??? --C3PO the Dragon Slayer 6,000,000 forms of communication 01:33, 2 December 2007 (UTC)


 * I guess.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 23:41, 1 December 2007 (UTC)

In the ROTS novel, Obi-Wan clearly says "no wonder we're losing this war", and the ROTS film itself shows how even the Jedi know that the war could go in either direction. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  01:55, 2 December 2007 (UTC)

Only some things, mostly names and brief events, are based on the original drafts. As far as no mention being made as to who the Republic fought, that's half right. In Episode IV, no mention was made. In the novelization of Episode V, it says that the Republic fought the Mandalorians. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  00:11, 2 December 2007 (UTC)


 * Is Sidious going to be in this at all? Darth Mavoc | My Talk Page | My Contributions 01:40, 2 December 2007 (UTC)

Maybe. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  01:55, 2 December 2007 (UTC)

He is in it… Also, Neimodians, the Confederacy, and the Separatists all suck. As Brandon mentioned, the Mandalorians were originally meant to be the enemy's of the Republic, and they are a far better choice, as well as the more plausible choice. -- Victor, Sr. HoloNet 209 01:58, 2 December 2007 (UTC)


 * Neimoidians rule! The have brutes and guards so there. Also the confederacy didnt suck, they almost won, a droid can lose an arm or get blasted and get repaired. If you shoot a clone, they die. Besides the neimoidians are interesting and there wasnt just neimoidians. But thats my opinion, anyways I really want to see the confederacy in it, plus the mandalorians.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 20:33, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

Well, that's your opinion, and in my opinion they suck. I highly doubt there will be a CIS in my version and, if there is, it will be nothing like the one in the films. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  20:36, 11 December 2007 (UTC)
 * If they are, how will you change them?TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 20:43, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

I don't know yet, and even if I did then I wouldn't say anything. I don't want to throw out too many spoilers. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  20:44, 11 December 2007 (UTC)
 * Well thats good, your a great wrighter Rhea, I just thought maybe you'd have them in the backround and stay true to the lucas version.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 20:46, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

If my intent was to stay true to Lucas' version, the Alternative Saga wouldn't really be Alternative. It'd be...the Saga. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  20:51, 11 December 2007 (UTC)


 * right. I wish my charecter Troyb could be in this, I know I would make a perfect villain. You sure I cant be in this? I'd be like Tylers and units battle, part of yours just not part of mine. I've always wanted to be a novel.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 20:55, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

Uh, no. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  21:04, 11 December 2007 (UTC)


 * OK..:'(TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 21:06, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

I don't see why you're making a sad face here, and to be honest I'm surprised you even asked me. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  21:07, 11 December 2007 (UTC)


 * Well I wanted to be in it, but I guess its alright, Troyb is already great, doesnt need to be in a novel.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 21:13, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

For 3PO: Losing the war

 * Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Page 17:

When Obi-Wan went left and Anakin went right, the tri-fighter would swing halfway through the difference. The same with up and down. It was averaging his movements with Anakin's; somehow its droid brain had realized that as long as it stayed between the two Jedi, Anakin couldn't fire on it without hitting his partner. The tri-fighter was under no similar restraints: Obi-Wan flew through a storm of scarlet needles.

"No wonder we're losing the war," he muttered. "They're getting smarter."

- President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:57, 2 December 2007 (UTC)


 * Droids are better!TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:MovieBlack.JPG|10px]] 21:04, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * An infamous apostrophe error: "The small frame of the Radiant VII soared through space, it’s destination of Utapau directly in front of it."
 * Indeed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * ". Many of the droids also served as body guards, but half of the crew of the nearly unarmed vessel was made up of bodyguards." Not the best worded sentence ever, but it would be good to decide between "body guards" and "bodyguards" for consistency's sake.
 * Yeah, that is a bad one. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "What they did know, however, was that the Neimoidian Trade Federation was outraged by the prohibition of slave labor in outlying systems and used their battlecruisers to create a large blockade around the peaceful world." Perhaps it should be "had used their battlecruisers"
 * Indeed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "At the bottom of the ramp, a silver protocol droid stood waiting for them. The two Jedi looked at each other with grins, as they both found it somewhat surprising that such a sophisticated battle droid would be used by the Neimoidians." Is is a protocol droid? A battle droid? Some weird mix of the two?
 * Freudian slip. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "The docking bay itself was a mesh of silver and gray, though they could not see the entire bay as it curved around and seemingly spanned the entire outer portion of the vessel. Considering the forces that the Trade Federation had amassed, that did not surprise the Jedi in the least." This doesn't make sense- does it refer to the huge docking bay? If you care about the canonical Lucrehulk, they're converted cargo haulers. Their hangars are converted cargo holds. If you're departing from those ships, then it doesn't matter, except that a curved docking bay is hardly an indication of a militaristic intention.
 * Like in the film, it was meant to imply how many battle droids and droid starfighters there were there. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "Despite his power and potential, when Obi-Wan neared the age of thirteen standard years it had appeared that he had little chance of becoming a Jedi Knight,." Perhaps a missing comma after years.
 * "Like all Jedi, he was trained by Master Yoda as a padawans." Padawans should be singular.
 * Same error: "uring this time, Dooku became close friends with padawans Qui-Gon Jinn,"
 * Fixed the above. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Is there a particular reason that Jedi Knight is capitalized and Jedi Padawan is not?
 * No, just a typo. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * So far, it's like someone took a script of Episode I and made changes with a red pen. Not particularly original, but I believe that was intentional. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:45, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * It was intentional, yes. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:02, 19 January 2008 (UTC)

Best
You'll actually see him get punished in Chapter Four. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  16:49, 12 January 2008 (UTC) No....Read The Chosen One: Chapter Four - Otoh Gunga to see what the punishment is. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  14:43, 13 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Love this chapter! Haako stands up to Gunray, plus that fool gunray gets punished!!!! Great chapter.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:ProphetofRegret.jpg|30px]] 13:46, 12 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Good! I want gunray to suffer, will you make Haako vicroy (He the best for the job, knows what he's doing)?TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:ProphetofRegret.jpg|30px]] 13:49, 13 January 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * It's sort of inconsistent between the use of Federation and federation. I'm not sure if that's intentional.
 * It's not. I'll get on that. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:05, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Very few small spelling or grammar errors were found.
 * Yay. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:05, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * The level of descriptive detail on this is good, as it was on the last chapter and the prologue. I do have to say that Maul is still very much the flat, boring villain he's always been- not nearly any internalization. For a true departure from Episode I, it would be an interesting take to give him a personality.
 * He'll get some, just not yet. I want to keep him mysterious for now and slowly build his character. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:05, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Reads almost exactly like an Episode I novelization, save with Dooku instead of Qui-Gon, and the weird Maul tie-in. It's kind of hard to believe that a Jedi Master and Knight wouldn't sense the exertion of the dark side of the Force that Maul uses. I mean, Maul's no Palpy- at least, he didn't seem to be that powerful.
 * That'll tie into the whole "not seeing what's right in front of you" and "the Dark Side clouds everything" bit, but it'll make more sense than in the Prequel Trilogy. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:05, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Still, tis well written for the most part. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:56, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Glad to hear it. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:05, 19 January 2008 (UTC)

General
Indeed, he's not supposed to be stupid anymore, and it's Jar now. Jar Binks sounds a lot less dumb than Jar Jar Binks. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  16:49, 12 January 2008 (UTC) I keep hearing the voice of that centurion/horseman guy from the first Harry Potter movie when Jar speaks. It's like a very soft British accent. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:29, 12 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Jar Jar...a prince?! wow and he's not that stupied this time, great chapter.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs[[Image:ProphetofRegret.jpg|30px]] 13:50, 12 January 2008 (UTC)
 * What sort of voice is he supposed to have in this version? I hope it's not the same whiney anger-inducing Jamaican accent he had in the film. Unit 8311 18:24, 12 January 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * "A largely unspoiled war, it was well known for its large plains, forests, oceans, lakes and immense, flowing waterfalls." Now hold up. Even I know you can't be a war and a planet. At least, not at the same time. :-P
 * "The surface of Utapau was covered with swamps, rolling lush plans, seas and mountain ranges." Did a lot of lush planning go into it? :-P
 * "The unified and harmonious architectural style came about after strict planning and extensive rebuilding from the ancient past of the planet." I'd suggest moving this sentence to the next paragraph, where it will be more in line with the topic.
 * Fixed all of the above. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * So you're one of those who wanted Keira Knightley to be queen. Interesting.
 * It's not Keira Knightley. I just used the name Sabe. Liv Tyler fits my vision for Queen Arcadia more than anyone else. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "Inside the royal palace, Queen Sabé Arcadia sat on her throne in a tense discussion with her advisors and the holographic image of Senator Malus Palpatine. Amidala" Is her royal name Amidala, or is it supposed to be Arcadia?
 * "and one of Arcadia’s answers thrust herself into the void left by a late heirless monarch to become queen." Somehow I think ancestors is the proper answer.
 * I would agree. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "Battle droid scout rode back and forth through the mud on their armed and hovering one-man STAP vehicles" Scout should be plural.
 * "but he was program to follow all orders and intended to carry out that one as well, despite his ignorance as to the reasoning behind it." wrong verb tense.
 * Fixed the two above. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "He was a member of the Jedi Council and had only been sent on the mission due to his skills in negotiation, not for the combat skills to be used in actual action that had disappeared every year he grew older." Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, I thought you said Dooku would never forgive the order for not giving a seat on the Council.
 * My bad. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * ", but the padawan Obi-Wan always seemed to resist his teachings." Check the capitalization of Padawan.
 * This whole Jar Jar as Crown Prince will either turn out to be amazingly innovative and refreshingly reinvented, or it will be astonishingly flat and hideously obnoxious. We'll have to see how it turns out.
 * I think that by the end of the trilogy, it will be amazingly innovative and refreshingly reinvented. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Well, I would hope you would say that. ;-) No one sets out to write a flat and obnoxious character. Usually. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:49, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Unless your name is George Lucas. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:57, 19 January 2008 (UTC)


 * This segment is more original, but less well written. There are a lot of small errors, but the Amidala and Jedi Council errors don't bode well. Once those are fixed, it'll be much better. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:33, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Fixed the errors. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  18:42, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Thank the maker. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:49, 19 January 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * Does Obi-Wan still continue Dooku to be his master? He's referred to as his master, but IIRC, he's not technically Padawan.
 * Dooku outranks Obi-Wan, so Dooku is still technically his "master" but not official teacher/master. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:37, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "as a mass of hydrostatic force-field bubbles that kept the water out while allowing the Gungans to entire through them." I think entire is not a verb.
 * Fixed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:37, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * “Pounded until death,” I think pounded to death or pounded until dead might work better if Nass is supposed to be fluent in Basic, or the Jedi understand him well.
 * I think it makes sense, but you know what you're talking about so I changed it. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:37, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * ", as there was no other way for the Gungan’s" The apostrophe strikes again.
 * Fixed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:37, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Pretty much the same as the TPM, but that red pen was writing in the margins to explain that Kaiburr crystal and Darth Maul.
 * Not just that, but Boss Nass isn't sitting there slobering over himself either. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:37, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Not the best work I've ever read, but still a good read. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 03:31, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Ouch. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:37, 20 January 2008 (UTC)

Ah, got it. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  03:44, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Don't get me wrong, it's classic Rhean fiction, with that level of descriptive cultural detail that's characteristic, and it doesn't read badly at all, but this segment of Episode I always was a drag, and there's not too much different from it in this section. It has more to do with the plot not moving along very much in this section. That's not a bad thing- not everything has to be action or climactic stuff, just not a lot happening. Yet. That's the operative word: Yet. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 03:42, 20 January 2008 (UTC)

Padme
Hmmm...interesting, Padme a jedi? A very creative idea. I though I saw a jedi that looked like padme in the geonosian arena.TroybAllSpark Quest contribs 01:04, 19 January 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * Not a bad thing, but parts of that first paragraph look strangely familiar. ;-)
 * Indeed. I was wondering who would catch that first. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "The area around the Reassignment Tower was dedicated to the Public entrance," Is Public a proper noun?
 * Fixed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * "They were two of the better swordsman" Should it be swordsmen?
 * Fixed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * Something just feels wrong about the paragraph about the four towers. I can't lay a finger on it, but it's awfully dry and sorta . . . I dunno. It doesn't seem to serve the purpose of the story. Perhaps that's stylistic.
 * There's really no other way to describe it, imo. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * If you care about canon, it's the Rishi Maze.
 * Ah, thank you. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)


 * I had a chuckle at this sentence: "It was as if they were bordering very close to the end times once again." It's along the same lines as having a Final Destination II.
 * I don't follow.... - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
 * How can there be the end times more than once? End times, as it doesn't have any qualifiers, is assumed to be referring to the end of all things. That can't happen more than once. Just like it's ludicrous to have a second Final destination. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 04:28, 20 January 2008 (UTC)

Well, in terms of Final Destination II, I'd agree. What I said, though, was that they were bordering it again. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:36, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Hmm. More plot thickening. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 04:17, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Indeed. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  04:24, 20 January 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * "Solder beetle" or "soldier beetle"?
 * "Four battles droids were instantly cut down"
 * Gungans have "bear hands"?
 * Didn't you hear? They're HUGE alcoholics! - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  23:19, 21 January 2008 (UTC)


 * De-cap astromech droids.
 * Just . . . get to the next chapter. Quickly. I'm begging you. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 23:04, 21 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Does that mean you thought this was bad, or you just want to finally see the real action begin? - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  23:17, 21 January 2008 (UTC)
 * In the sense that Episode I isn't going to win Best Picture any time soon and this is a very similar knockoff, a bit of both. Especially since I'm missing Liam Neeson and John Williams. ;-) Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 23:45, 21 January 2008 (UTC)

Well, as you know, I wanted to keep this beginning part similar before throwing a curve ball, and it wasn't really this part of the film that dragged Episode I down anyway. Don't worry, though. You'll definitely be pleased with how the next chapter changes things. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  23:47, 21 January 2008 (UTC) Yeah. Your comment makes perfect sense now that I see all that religious stuff. - President Brandon Rhea  (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  00:03, 22 January 2008 (UTC)
 * It's not that this part of Episode I is that bad, but the fact that, so far, this work claimed to be a radical departure from Episode I and hasn't been. (Note: So far.) If I wanted to read Episode I, I would, well, read or watch Ep. I :P That's why I said, just get to the next chapter. On an unrelated note, did you ever read that BTS on FE III? Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:00, 22 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Like I said, if I didn't know better, I'd swear it was Rheacraft or Rhean fiction, but I'd been planning that since at least December. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:11, 22 January 2008 (UTC)

From the desk of Atarumaster88

 * Should Highness be capitalized in the context of a proper noun?
 * I've always seen it (I think) as a proper noun. Basically, I think it's like "Mr. President". - President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)  (Accomplishments)  00:39, 26 January 2008 (UTC)
 * I agree entirely; the first time it's used in the segment, it is not capitalized, which is why I pointed that out. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:45, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

Oh, I see what you're saying. I thought you thought it should not be capitalized. - President Brandon Rhea   (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  00:46, 26 January 2008 (UTC)
 * Finally! Aside from the niggling open section that was all-too-reminiscent of Ep. I, the Annikin thing was great. It was nicely detailed and gave us a good picture of this character. The final 2/3rds of this were original and well-written; knowing Brandon the mysterious religious group and the twists of the story will prove very useful. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:34, 26 January 2008 (UTC)
 * I'm glad you liked it. I felt that I was really able to get into this one more since it was original, and I was very happy with the way it turned out. - President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)  (Accomplishments)  00:39, 26 January 2008 (UTC)
 * I'm online in IRC if you'd like to discuss the story in more depth. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:42, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

I'll be right there. Hopefully it works out a bit better this time.... - President Brandon Rhea   (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  00:46, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

From the desk of Atarumaster88

 * "As Annikin leaned down to try to find the door’s manual release, he couldn’t help but keep his mind off of the sandstorm outside." This sentence doesn't make much sense in the context. I thought the point was that his mind did in fact drift to the sandstorm.
 * Fixed. - President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)  (Accomplishments)


 * You say Annikin's hand went flying back in pain, but apparently he's supposed to have been knocked to the ground also.
 * No, he wasn't knocked down. It doesn't say that. - President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)


 * "he stood up he was tackled to". I think a better verb usage might be: he had been tackled.
 * That line isn't in there. It says "as he stood up they tackled him". - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)
 * Some weird reading on my part, nvm. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:36, 9 February 2008 (UTC)


 * "He watched as Obi-Wan stared at him, sensing the curiosity that the man had". Could be better written as "sensing the man's curiosity" rather than that somewhat awkward verb phrase.
 * Fixed that. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)


 * "he was able to get a good idea of the storms past trajectory". I think you know what the error here is.
 * Apostrophes are stupid and don't make sense in the way that they're taught in schools. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)


 * "“You should probably get going now,” Obi-Wan told him suggestively." Okay, the denotation of "suggestively" is fine, but the connotation is all wrong unless you've decided to take this into that territory. :-P
 * I don't call it "alternative" for nothing, lol. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)
 * Well, you could at least make it faster, more intense.. :-P Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:36, 9 February 2008 (UTC)


 * "Annikin nodded, though it did not make him feel much better. He didn’t understand why Dooku would chastise him in such a manner when all he did was offer to help them. He wasn’t concerned with what their mission was, but rather that they were able to complete it. Annikin asked himself if it was a crime, since he saw no way that it was, but Dooku obviously had and decided to take whatever frustrations he held within him out on someone who he believed was weaker than him. Even amongst people who were most likely Jedi, that trait ran rampant." This whole paragraph needs some more . . . something to make it flow better. Maybe description. Maybe just finishing the "if it was a crime" phrase.
 * How would you suggest finishing the crime part? - - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)
 * Maybe "Annikin asked himself if it was a crime to offer his aid, since he clearly didn't see the offense that Dooku had obviously seen in his offer and had subsequently unleashed his frustrations on someone he perceived as weaker. Apparently, even people who were quite possibly Jedi were not immune to that trait." Bear in mind that I'm not saying you should necessarily re-write the paragraph like that; that's just the wording I would use if I were trying to convey the same thought. Which I'm not. Except that I am. Whatever. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:36, 9 February 2008 (UTC)


 * "since they came into each others lives to have Owen rant"
 * Made it a bit more readable. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)
 * The true error that I picked up on was actually one of apostrophes. :-P. "Each others"-->"Each other's lives". lol. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:36, 9 February 2008 (UTC)


 * I'm watching Annikin closely. Very closely indeed. The chapter seemed to force the reader to notice how Annikin was different and focused heavily on his thoughts. Good character if done well, dismal character if handled improperly. Further installments will tell what direction he'll take. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:46, 9 February 2008 (UTC)
 * You enjoyed him in the last chapter from what you said the other day. Did you still like him here though or are you now unsure? - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)
 * I still like him, but perhaps not quite as much. The plot and characterization felt a little . . . forced this chapter. *shrug.* We'll see. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:36, 9 February 2008 (UTC)

Well, it was never forced that he was special with the Force or anything like that. Obi-Wan was simply impressed with him, because being out in Republic space for so long makes you see so many selfish and unscrupulous people. Obi-Wan was just impressed to see a young man who was just trying to help out. As far as how the characterization of him was forced, I don't really see how but I guess that's just your opinion. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom)  <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)
 * As always, I'll have to read more to make a more informed opinion. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.jpg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 20:13, 9 February 2008 (UTC)

Nice
Not a bad chapter. I like the fact that you made Annikin older rather than a whiny nine-year old. Also like your nod to ANH in there. I'm just a bit concerned though; at the rate this is going at, how long is it going to take to finish this saga? Unit 8311 19:32, 12 February 2008 (UTC)
 * I hope to have it done by the next ice age. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:16, 12 February 2008 (UTC)


 * --<font color="#1A2BBB">Squishy Vic <font color="#1A2BBB">discussion <font color="#1A2BBB">archives 20:17, 12 February 2008 (UTC)

From the desk of Atarumaster88

 * I might not have identified the hermits so early. Other than that, looks better. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:48, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
 * What do you mean by identify them? The name "Ophuchi" isn't revealed until Chapter Eleven. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 20:21, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
 * When they take out the guards, they are identified as hermits. I might prolong the suspense and keep them as "mysterious figures" or something equally vague. I'm sure you have plenty of terms for that. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 20:58, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * I'm a hard man to please on this issue, but most the Ewanness is gone. Here's a couple other suggestions:
 * Current:

“I’m glad to hear that,” Mace said, trying to sound as if he actually knew what the Kaminoan leader was talking about. “I hope you understand what kind of a responsibility you have here. We expect the best.”
 * Atarufied

"Good," Mace said, covering his ignorance over what the Kaminoan leader was talking about. "I hope you know how serious your responsibility is. We expect the best."
 * Current:

“Your religion?” Mace asked, physically surprised at the revelation of a religion preaching the use of cloning technologies. “I’ve never heard of a religion that teaches that you should make copies of one man thousands of times over. It’s immoral to most.”
 * Ataru says
 * This line, while great for socio-political commentary, is no good here. Jedi are supposed to be the all-accepting people and all that. I can't see a Jedi indirectly passing judgment like that. It stands out.

Mace wasn't vocally passing judgment in that line. He says that it's immoral to most people. While the description of his thoughts indicates that he's not a fan of it, he never stated his opinion in that line. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 20:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Other than that, looks good. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 19:58, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * That's a very interesting choice to place that blurb there. Perhaps it would be better on the talk page; I feel that it breaks the idea of immersing the reader in the story to have to read an OOU paragraph.
 * Fair enough. I'll quit doing that from here on out. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * "The Dune Sea, a deserted and forsaken region of the desert wastes." Is this supposed to be a fragment?
 * Yes. It's completely intentional. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * For an architectural masterpiece, there isn't a lot of detail on the caves, and none of it on the appearance? Are there multiple levels? Are there rock bridges? Spires? Stalactites? Is it rough-hewn or smoothed? Do the walls sparkle from quartz (or similar) minerals in the rock? Is the cave lit by glowpanels, torches, etc.? Colors? This is in regards to the initial description; the later parts are fine.
 * Alright, good call there. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * "Dooku’s eye light up"--Dooku has two eyes, right
 * Not unless you know something I don't, lol. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * hermits hospitality-->hermits' hospitality
 * I tend to think Dooku might retain some skepticism about the feast. That's just my interpretation.
 * It's likely, now that you mention it. Perhaps I'll throw in something to say that he won't eat anything. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * Again, the description of the statue is rather . . . meh. If it's going to be important and significant, then let's have some detail. Don't rush the description to further the plot; I like to add "whoa, cool!" moments to the story when encountering a particularly impressive scene. Case in point: Lucas doesn't rush the opening sequence of A New Hope, and it's a very impressive effect to see those starships fly overhead. Since you can't rely on visuals like in a movie, your words will give the reader a better idea of what you want.
 * It's not a huge plot element, but I'll add in some more detail. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * "fairy tells about wizards and heretical hermits" tells--> tales
 * "When Sarus mentioned that Ophuchi had become Federation slaves, the Stark Hyperspace War was the last thing to cross her mind." I'm assuming the narrative has changed to Arcadia's mind?
 * Ah, yes. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * "could not resist the potential discoveries they would make and later be able to share with their respective peoples. It did appear to be the chance of a lifetime." Is Sarus somehow altering their perceptions, because it's stretching it to say that Dooku and Arcadia would be looking at Sarus as the chance of a lifetime. I know that it probably will be, but I merely request that you place yourself in those two's shoes and see if you have the same perception.
 * Good idea. That was me thinking from my own POV. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * You forgot to link the next chapter.
 * Indeed. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * Atarumaster88 [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 20:26, 18 March 2008 (UTC)
 * What was your perception of the overall chapter, story-wise and such? - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  20:32, 18 March 2008 (UTC)

Some adjusting to the article
The storyline is very interesting, but there are just some minor things which could be fixed. Anakin is spelled wrong, and the story isn't broken into sections, so it seems very long and readers may not be as willing to read it.Drewton 01:38, 26 March 2008 (UTC)
 * First, it's Annikin in this story. I explained why that is in the Behind the Scenes of the novel's main page. Second, it is broken up into sections. They're called "chapters", and this is just one of them. A table of contents can be found here. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:33, 26 March 2008 (UTC)

Some stuff post-revision 1 from Ataru
"It ended up being a sparkling tan and brown environment, though such a design went well with the rest of Tatooine, perhaps even more magnificent due to the people who had built it." That last clause serves no purpose but to butter up the Ophuchi even more...it's less than subtle. I dunno; I don't like it.
 * The description of the compound is good overall. One niggling thing:
 * The statue description is well written. I might write something about the contrast of the colors on the statue standing out against the otherwise drab compound, but that's lagniappe. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 20:02, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * Still don't like that blurb being there. I'd just gotten finished with the fairly enjoyable Chapter Eleven and my mind was still in the hermit place when I get yanked back to Earth again.
 * I'll remove that and cease from doing it from now on. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * Some synonyms for "environment" might be useful; here and in the previous chapter, it's borderline overused.
 * Alright. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * "To everyone but Sarus, it was like nothing they had ever seen before." I know what you're getting at, but part of me is saying "Well, duh, they've never been there." I dunno, that may just be me.
 * I'll add detail to help make this more understandable. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * stonewalls--> check your spacing.
 * I might add a bit more description on the room, but it suffices.
 * I'll take a look. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * Nobody at all questions Sarus's interpretation or the validity of his prophecy at first. Nobody. Not Arcadia, not Annikin, not Dooku. Eyebrow is fully raised and cocked, sah, unless Sarus has been mind-muddling again. If they're shocked, it's not well described. Even afterwords, nobody directly asks him if he's full of it, except Dooku, thankfully.
 * Well, at first, they simply want to hear what he has to say, and it's all a lot to think about. Besides, they might question the validity of the prophecy later like Dooku did, but it'd take awhile for them to get a new interpretation since they've never seen it before. I'll add some shocked reactions, I suppose. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * "She had known the Neimoidians to be bold and cowardly." O RLY?
 * YA RLY. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * Shackles? As I seem to recall, he's not a slave. I sense a Rhean interpretive riddle.
 * Interpretation is the key. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)


 * Definite plot twist, even it was heavily foreshadowed in the previous chapter. The first part was good, as good as I've come to expect, but I thought the revelation was a little . . . underwhelming. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 20:42, 18 March 2008 (UTC)
 * What parts were underwhelming? The reactions of the interpretations and validity, or something else? - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB"> (Accomplishments)  21:08, 18 March 2008 (UTC)

From the desk of Atarumaster88
Improvements look good. The added exposition is solid. I sorta question why Fortuna looks forward to Annikin's death, but there's a legitimate explanation in there somewhere. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 20:05, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Review from the desk of Atarumaster88

 * "He had been cheated out of the cash prize that he wanted, to help his family, and was furiously distraught over it, so much so that he had been surprised to see Annikin give up racing overall because of it." Some unclear antecedents here, since Threepio is the narrator and Annikin is the subject.
 * Fixed. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "Cliegg while rough around his edges was a decent man who treated Threepio with respect" Might want to throw in a couple of commas.
 * Fixed. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * Maybe just my take on it, but you narrate Threepio like a human character. IMHO, it'd be more interesting to see him from an entirely different perspective more befitting a droid.
 * My point was to narrate him as if he's Human. For example, I always refer to OOM-9 as "it", but Threepio and Artoo as "he". - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "you will be needing all of the skills you have for this race.” I'd tolerate this for narration, but it's dialogue, and I just can't see anyone besides a Gungan, Devaronian, or other alien with a poor grasp of Basic actually saying this. Maybe "You'll need all of the skills you have for this race." would work better.
 * People don't always talk in perfect grammar. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Has nothing to do with the perfect grammar, but it just reads weird. Probably just personal opinion there. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:29, 21 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "Repulsorlift" is one word. Go ahead, blame your editor. ;-)
 * I'll fix that in a bit, only because it's mentioned so many times, lol. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "despite the soreness of his muscles caused by Maul which was why he was in the chair to begin with" Probably a better way to word this.
 * I just added a comma to break it up a bit. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * Check your capitalization of "governor" also.
 * I'll seek those out in a bit. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * The Gunray section feels overall a bit weak. Could use a polishing and adding of key tidbits to make it feel less rushed.
 * Any suggestions? - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Not right offhand. Not without knowing the overall plan for the novel. I just know that it feels stilted. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:29, 21 May 2008 (UTC)


 * I told you Sarus was tricksy. I told you he was a nasty, mean fat hermit. </Andy Serkis>
 * Heh. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "I’d probably resent it but I’d accept it, but you’re getting caught up in a war that has nothing to do with any of us.” There's no way anyone would actually say that. It's just . . . no.
 * I disagree entirely. Saying it outloud even was not awkward at all. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Nothing against the line, it just doesn't sound like natural speech to me. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:29, 21 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "knocked lose"
 * I'll find that later. Spell Check is not complying. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "anymore" In this context, should be two words.
 * Per last comment. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * "was nearly two late" You're paying your editor too much, Brandon.
 * Per last comment. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)


 * I don't think that describing that first cave as a dead end is entirely accurate.
 * It was a dead end. There was no way to keep going unless they a) went through the wall or b) made the loop around and exited out the other end. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Well, that's a silly race course then. Who puts a U-turn into a swoop race? :-P Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:29, 21 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Someone who wants a certain racer to lose. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 18:39, 21 May 2008 (UTC)


 * Overall opinion on the race is that it's not bad, but it's missing a few things. Aside from the beginning and the accelerator pad, we don't get an idea of the speed or distance traveled. You seem to include the stone needle in the race as foreshadowing of how Annikin is forced to use it, then you never mention it again. The whole race seems rather short and less than perilous. It's a very straightforward style of telling the story but the biggest failing is the almost complete lack of sensory detail. Sure, we understand Annikin's emotions. Now put us in the swoop seat. Anyway, chew on those thoughts for awhile and get back to me by the usual means. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 20:49, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Okay. Thanks. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 21:02, 18 May 2008 (UTC)

From the desk of Atarumaster88

 * You do write Dooku so very well. What is it about you that lets you write the jerks so convincingly? Just a question-do you want him to be genuinely a jerk, or just stubborn and prideful? He leans towards the former at times, but maybe it's just that Tatooine ambience.
 * Well, I'm a sarcastic dick at (the black void that is my) heart. I always know exactly what to say to piss people off. I'm glad to see that translates well into Dooku. As for your question, it's actually both. His over the top stubborn pride is what makes him a genuine jerk. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * I might not say Gardulla had Ledo murdered for his two crimes. You don't really murder someone if they're condemned to death for crimes committed . . . eh, I'm walking on thin ice here, but it's just not usually written that way AFAIK.
 * I see what you mean, but the problem is that I just didn't clarify it. It wasn't an execution as in a hanging or a firing squad or whatever, but rather the Hutt had Ledo murdered to make it look like a murder rather than an organized hit. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * The reasoning on Arcadia's understanding of Gunray is a little weak. Might just be a wording issue.
 * Well it's basically just a summary of what happened between them in Chapter Twelve, assuming you mean that there's not a lot of reasoning shown here. If that's not what you mean, then I'm not sure what I mean. You know what I mean? - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * "Others, however, would hold a great deal of sway, particularly Qui-Gon Jinn." Perhaps you mean to say "With othes, however, it would hold a great deal of sway, particularly Qui-Gon Jinn?" I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to mean otherwise.
 * It's saying that a lot of the members of the Jedi Council will react like Dooku did to the prophecy when Sarus told him, not wanting to believe that Alsius Hoth and Valenthyne Farfala sacraficed themselves for nothing. However, other people like Qui-Gon Jinn would be able to sway other members and hopefully that would be enough to convince the Council. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * Oooh, Sarus, you wascally wabbit. An honest scumbag, how droll, but the freaky mind thing at the end makes me think that the plot is thickening yet again.
 * I wouldn't really use the word scumbag, but that's also because I know the rest of the story, lol. And, of course, the plot thickens. Do you really think I would have the reader say goodbye to Sarus without some sort of teaser? {{lol}] - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * "Unfortunately for Annikin, it was in vein". Perhaps you mean "vain"?
 * Perhaps I do. I didn't know there was a difference, but now I do. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * Good chapter overall. The frenzied emotion of the race's winning contrasted well with the sentimental departure. Having the Maul action segment and that bit with Sarus provided some escape from those, and it all worked well together.
 * Thank God. When it comes to important chapters like this, I'm never really sure about what I've put together. With this, I didn't know if the goodbyes to all the characters worked well, I didn't know if Annikin reacting to Sarus worked well, if the vision thing worked well, or if the things with Threepio and the family worked well. I was more worried, though, about the fight with Maul. I wasn't sure if that would be good enough. Vic had told me a few days ago that it all worked well and that was a good endorsement, but you're the hardest to please. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * I have some other questions for you, but they'll have to wait for IRC. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:07, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * I'll see if I can catch you a little later tonight. If not, we'll see about tomorrow, or you can always email me if you want. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 02:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

From the desk of Atarumaster88

 * Where do the two Weequays come from? Did I miss something here, or are they lacking basic context?
 * Forgot a few words. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 19:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * "It was entirely possible that this Nightblade was a descendant of his, as he highly doubted that he was alive after four millennia." Should it be "but he highly doubted"? The contrast doesn't seem to work that well the way it is.
 * I don't see it not working. He's basically saying that this Nightblade was probably a descendant of Damien Nightblade because he highly doubted Damien was alive after four thousand years. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 19:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * I know this is Alternate, but Jango running from a Jedi? Letting Mace break into his office? That's either intentional or Jango got nerfed.
 * I don't want to give too much away, but lean towards the former. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 19:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * Actually, both Mace and Jango got nerfed. Mace is too polite-again, that's the MacGregor speaking. I thought the exchange between them was rather underwhelming, particularly the fight. I realize they're trying to be civilized, but they're both alpha-males with that lone wolf attitude. The underlying current of tension that I think would exist between them just . . . isn't there. Jango gets his rear end handed to him on a silver platter and he doesn't realize anything about Mace until the end. That's not the Jango I'm familiar with.
 * I have to disagree with you. Mace isn't too polite here. He's using his short sentences, like you said, but he's also trying to be diplomatic. Remember, he's pretending to be a Republic dignitary. He's not going to be acting like himself when he's pretending to be someone he's not. As for the fight, it was supposed to be a quick one. There's a second and more intense fight between them later on in the novel. As far as the Jango you're familiar with, I indicated that he was very wary of Mace. It's not like he was blindsided with a "oh, I thought this guy was legit" type of deal. - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 19:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)


 * Nightblade, eh? This is turning into Star Wars crossed with the Illuminati. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 14:00, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Heh, how so? - <font color="#1A2BBB">President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] <font color="#1A2BBB">(Pressroom) <font color="#1A2BBB">(Record) 19:24, 5 June 2008 (UTC)

A few comments

 * Props on the SWGB reference. I loved that game. The conversation between Annikin and Sabe started off well. I liked the direction it was going, and there was good internalization there. It started to drag at the end, heading towards the sappy and cliche, so I'm glad it ended when it did. The meeting at the Council was good, particularly the previous part, and Yoda and Mace were well written, though I would've liked to see some more internalization from leading Jedi during that bit. Good job describing Coruscant, a bit different stylistically than what most authors use, and the ties to SotJ and KotOR eras with your history and family lineage were good. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 21:04, 2 October 2008 (UTC)

A brief set of comments
I'm not really reading this story, but I saw that Mace was in it and decided to take a peek at the scene, since I know you've struggled with writing him before. All I have to say is that I'm incredibly disappointed. Perhaps somewhere in the transition to the eerie parallel universe in which ASWS takes place, Mace lost his coolness as well as the u from his last name. That's about the only explanation I can come up with, because he's nothing like Mace Windu from, say, Shatterpoint or Episode III, or several of the comics in which he appears. Furthermore, the whole Mandalorian claptrap smells of Traviss's particular brand of malarkey, which is never a good thing. That's just my take on it. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 16:42, 28 September 2008 (UTC)


 * As I've told you before, he's not supposed to be the same character. This Mace is one who has a more obvious struggle against the two sides of him, light and dark, created by his use of Vaapad. From everyone who's read the chapters Mace Windy has been in so far, you're really the only one who seems to have a problem with him. I don't really know why that is, considering all you've really told me is that he's not as "cool" as he used to be. I myself never found the canon Mace Windu cool to begin with. I thought he was a cliche Sam Jackson character with no depth that was there only to look like a "badass", which failed miserably. He was a cookie cutter character in the movies and had virtually no development. I also don't see how my mentions of the Mandalorians so far are in any way similar to Traviss's nonsense. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 16:53, 28 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Just out of curiosity Rhea, how do your version of the Mandalorians compare with the shit Traviss cooked up? I hope they aren't the Kiwis in armour who are all kind and honourable despite nuking and ravaging entire worlds as she would have it.  Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:09, 28 September 2008 (UTC)

The honorable stuff remains, just as it was in KOTOR and KOTOR 2. These Mandalorians will be much more like the KOTOR Mandalorians than Traviss's were, just a bit more ruthless in their warrior nature. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 19:24, 28 September 2008 (UTC)


 * The key sticking point with the Mandalorians here was the idea that a single Mandalorian is on par with a Jedi Knight, based on a comment by Quemin. That's utter bilge, unless she's totally out of touch. I could believe that with Jango, the head Mando of all Mandos, but AFAIK, she doesn't know he's that good, or does she? It was the fact that she's treating a generic Mando as a genuine threat to a single Knight that irks me most, but if you choose to define your Mandalorians that way, so be it. The same with Mace. You've fundamentally divorced him from the character that we've seen in the movies, comics, etc. and it shows. I'm not a fan of the way that it's played out, but I'm just one guy. On other notes, "You’re not in the way, Master Yoda,” Annikin said, this time truthfully. “I’ve felt somewhat alone since getting to Coruscant, so it’s nice to have someone to talk to.”" How does Annikin know who Master Yoda is? A bit of context would be nice. I'm also sort of confused as to how he gets to wander throughout the Jedi Temple unescorted. Powerful the Jedi might be, but to not escort strangers in their headquarters is a recipe for disaster. These two plot holes really could use plugged, they weaken the chapter IMO. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 21:14, 2 October 2008 (UTC)

The thing with Quemin is going to be shown as a misconception based on previous dealings with Mandalorians, mainly dating back to Korriban. If you remember, when not using Force powers, both Revan and the Jedi Exile faced pretty good competition from some Mandalorian warriors. I don't mean to SPOIL ANYTHING, but it will eventually be shown with these Mandalorians that because they have not been heard from for a long time there were legends and myths developed about them. As you know with myths, every time they're told they're exaggerated just a bit more. As for Mace, we'll have to agree to disagree, but I'll direct you to my more detailed exploration in the Behind the scenes section of Mace Windy. As for Annikin knowing Yoda, I direct you to this excerpt that's already in the chapter:

"Despite having strong reservations about the truth of the Prophecy of the Chosen One, even when they had met each other briefly when Obi-Wan was showing him the Jedi Temple, Yoda knew that everything that Annikin had been told was likely overwhelming him."

- The chapter

I'll clear up the plot hole about being able to go through the Jedi Temple. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:22, 2 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Whoops, missed that bit. And in my KotOR games, the Mandos were never really that much of a threat, but if you say they were, well, it's your story. And the legends/myth bit does make sense, from a certain point of view. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 21:24, 2 October 2008 (UTC)