DL:Tarvin Calaan

Disapprove/complaints

 * 1) Expand personality/traits and make a talents section. [[Image:NKsig.png|70px]] Jesus Freak NK says NK's 'mazin' articles [[Image:sabersmilygreend.jpg]] 17:05, 16 March 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Per NK. Also, The Tarsik Campaign could either use expansion or the huge paragraph could be broken up. That's just me looking at visually, as I'll do a more in depth review of the entire article later. - President Brandon Rhea  [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]]  (Pressroom)  (Accomplishments)  17:07, 16 March 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) *I expanded the personality and traits as well as created a Talents section, however I'm not sure how to break up the Tarsik Campaign paragraph. Keep in mind I'll get around to creating a seperate article for the Tarsik Campaign, so if it seems to not have enough info, it's because I only put in what specificly involves Tarvin. Tarvin Calaan 21:12, 16 March 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) From the screen of the Solusinator:
 * 5) *Dangerously close to Mary Sue.
 * 6) *Only 5 non-date links.
 * 7) *Almost all of the images are incorrectly sourced. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:52, 1 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) From the insubordinate desk of Atarumaster88
 * 9) *"Karen who was only nineteen years old at the time knew she didn't have the ability to adequately care for Tarvin and as a result made what she would later say to be the most difficult decision of her life; to put her son up for adoption." Run-on, missing a word.
 * 10) *"Organa, who pitied the young women, agreed to help." How many women was he talking to? Wasn't it just one?
 * 11) *"by scoring two kills one of which got an enemy fighter of the Commanders tail" Clarify, watch your possessives on Commander.
 * 12) *"Tarvin flew brilliantly" POV.
 * 13) *"Fortunately, Wedge's astromech droid was able" POV.
 * 14) *"Though the two tail fighters were lost, Tarvin and Kael were able to escape moments before" What is a tail fighter?
 * 15) *"Fortunately, after already" POV. You were fine with this earlier when you said "Fortunately for X character", but saying fortunately explicitly is POV.
 * 16) *"Fortunately, Tarvin had" POV. I'll flag this every time.
 * 17) *" With extreme precision," POV/prosetry.
 * 18) *"Unfortunately, he was unaware" POV.
 * 19) *"stories of the extragalactic invaders called the Yuuzhan Vong. In his mind, there couldn't be anything worse than the Empire. As the stories of atrocities became more frequent and horrific however, he came to realize that he could have been wrong and prepared himself for a return to action. After the disaster at Dantooine," POV/Prosetry. Reword this a little, especially "disaster"
 * 20) *"With incredible piloting skill," POV.
 * 21) *"Fortunately, his father's " POV.
 * 22) *In your intro, you talk about the relationship he had with the Jedi, but that's never really discussed in the Bio.
 * 23) *" This is not surprising, considering he had a Clone Wars veteran fighter pilot as a father." Tense.
 * 24) *"Though their friendship never turned romantic through their teenage years, even then their friend Dirrax and both of their parents knew that the two were meant for each other." Fragment.
 * 25) *Italicize names of movies in BTS.
 * 26) *I got a borderline Mary Sue when I ran my test, but since repeated samplings have shown that some revisions need to be made to that test, I'm not going to vote for this until some of the Sueishness is cleared up. Here are some suggestions to do so. Pick at least two:
 * 27) **In your P&T, add more on his emotional difficulties in relating to his kids, adjusting to civilian life, etc.
 * 28) **In History, at least one instance of his insubordination should be punished. If there is one, add another.
 * 29) **In your Talents, cut down on his kill count. And definitely clarify the 2nd-best pilot thing. Can I just point out Luke, Corran Horn, Jaina Solo, Mara Jade, etc.?
 * 30) **In the History section, add at least one battle or encounter with another character that shows his cockiness getting him in trouble. And he can't get out of it by being cocky.
 * 31) **Cut the capital ship nonsense, or at least clarify it. If you remotely care about canon, and it seems you do, I don't care what WEG, Battlefront II, or Empire at Wars says, one X-wing cannot destroy a Star Destroyer. One X-wing cannot destroy a Carrack-class cruiser. It could destroy a CR90, but that's about it. One X-wing XJ squadron, if composed entirely of skilled pilots, could maybe take out a Victory-class Star Destroyer.
 * 32) *Copyediting on this wasn't that bad; this was fairly clean aside from that Fortunately issue. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 15:56, 16 July 2008 (UTC)

Comments
I really don't mean to be a nag here, i know u guys are reading other articles but it's been more than two months since i've gotten any feedback on how to make this article better. I've made a few changes that u recommended so any further advice would be much appreciated.Tarvin Calaan 23:31, 8 June 2008 (UTC)