Star Wars Fanon:FW/Knights of the Old Republic: Phantom Rising

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Phantom Rising
Nominated by: Atarumaster88   ( Talk page ) 05:35, November 24, 2010 (UTC)

'Nominator comments: A good KotOR era short story by JM76. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 05:35, November 24, 2010 (UTC)

Excerpt
I step through puddles of… something. It’s almost gelatinous. I have no idea what it is. Smells like home, back on the farm, when my father used to cook over an open fire. It’s a strong smell, and my head starts to spin. Using the wall to guide me, I step from the entrance all the way to the door to the maintenance closet on the left side of the room. If they won’t turn the lights on, I will.

My feet wobble under me, hardly keeping my standing. Something’s come over me. I feel weak, and my head is hazy and aches painfully. I shake my head, but I don’t feel any better.

“Olan! If you’re in here, this is not funny!”

No response. What is going on? Feeling my way to the door, I open the maintenance closet and step inside, carefully avoiding the crates against the wall as I do so. My hands race around the room, groping in the darkness and trying to stand-in for my lack of sight. It’s a pitiful attempt, but I eventually find the generator. Flipping it on, the glowpanels in the room turn on, momentarily blinding me in a burst of radiance.

When my sight returned, I wish it hadn’t.

Objections

 * From the phantasmic desk of Atarumaster88


 * Main article
 * A BtS would be very nice.
 * "The story takes place after to " clarify
 * Narrative
 * "all alone with father," Capitalize or make a common noun
 * "space faring" is one word
 * "no face, – at least," drop the comma or the dash
 * That's all. Very small objections, as I've already looked at the story before. Good read, if a bit cold-hearted. Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 05:35, November 24, 2010 (UTC)