CS:Cos Decarte Palpatine

This is an archive of the rejected featured article nomination of Cos Decarte Palpatine. The article was rejected on the basis that the quality was far below that of featured article standards, leading to the suggestion that it be given a complete rewrite. Once the quality of the article is raised, the article may be renominated for featured article status.

Approve

 * 1)  Darth Wylind ( Talk ) 17:10, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) I really enjoyed this article, love how Palpatine was turned into Hitler, perfect match in my opinion.-- Nightmare  975  00:32, 9 February 2009 (UTC) Retracting my vote until Brandon's objections are fixed.-- Nightmare  975  02:11, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the Hitleresque Desk of Unit 8311:
 * 2) *'and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen'...to 'what was considered to be one of the most powerful'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I consider the art scuplture thing to be somewhat eyebrow-raising, as I can only imagine someone with extreme emotional problems running away from home because they messed up an art piece. However, I'll let it pass.
 * 2) *'Cos had average aim'...add 'compared to the other soldiers', just to be safe
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'ministers took in turning the Republic into a reich of sorts.'...I'm not sure if reich is a good word, as I doubt the German language exists in SW. 'fascist dictatorship' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos ruled the galaxy ruthlessly'...to 'was considered a ruthless leader'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Another three years passed, when Imperial intelligence informed Cos that the Rebellion had relocated to a planet in the Outer Rim.'...change 'when' to 'then'. Looks better gramatically.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Though, Jerjerrod was no Tarkin, and the station was not being completed on schedule'...'Jerjerrod was not considered as effecient as Tarkin' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'However, Cos' plan failed' add an extra 's' after Cos'
 * 2) *'Darth Vader was growing angry with Cos's poor military leadership of the Galactic Civil War'...'with what he considered to be Cos's poor military leadership'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos's cruelty and evil was known by nearly all after his death', whoah, big POV here. Rewrite this sentence.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Talents' section has some POV that you should easily spot and change. I can highlight it all for you if that's not the case, though.
 * Please highlight them.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the end, though I'm not fond of rewritten canon characters, I can see this article being an FA. The above stuff I listed shouldn't be too difficult to sort. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:20, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2)  From the politically re-imagined Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea
 * 3) * I first want to mention that I made these objections nearly two months ago before the first nomination was rejected. They should have been taken care of before you nominated this again. But because they were not, here they are again.
 * 4) * Throughout the article, you repeat “Cos” over and over when saying things that Cos has done. I would suggest you find other words than “Cos” to say this, because although this is meant to be encyclopedic prose it could still read a little better in this regard.
 * 5) * On the topic of prose, I’ve removed a lot of the colorful prose that is best saved for a narrative piece rather than an encyclopedic article. I’ve also removed all instances of POV that I found when reading.
 * 6) * I’m not quite sure what I think about the surrender of the Mandalorians. Mandalorians will typically fight until the last man or until it’s clear that they absolutely cannot win. I don’t see how the loss of their capital world would do that based on the information you’ve given. It just doesn’t seem very honorable. I know this is an alternate take on the Star Wars film era, but you haven’t established that the Mandalorians in your fanon are any different than those in canon.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * I have a hard time believing that everyone in the court would just rally around Cos’s speech, including the judges. There’s always people who will disagree. However, I was glad that even with this he was still sentenced to prison.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * On the note of prison, nine months is a bit too early for parole on a five year sentence, don’t you think? It’s generally longer than that, I believe, especially if the crime is treason and conspiracy.
 * The six judges gave him a parole of nine months, believing in his ideals. They were the first of many government officials for Cos to sway into his cloud of lies.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * I have a big problem with the part where he becomes Senator of Corell, and it’s mostly due to a startling lack of detail. First, why was he given parole? As for the election, why did the people vote in favor of him? How did he run his campaign? What was the competition like in the primaries? Who was his opponent? What was he/she like to run against? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? As for his inauguration, the Governor didn’t do anything to try to prevent Cos from being elected and then inaugurated? The Governor didn’t make a public spectacle about how Cos shouldn’t be inaugurated? I don’t know about you, but I’d have a hard time inaugurating someone who tried to kill me.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * In the first paragraph of the Clone Wars section alone, there is a total lack of context and detail in terms of major events. What was the Mandalorian threat? What type of intelligence did they receive to suggest that the Mandalorians were a threat to them again? Why did Cos vote to go to war? What evidence did he have to suggest that there should be a war against the Mandalorians? What type of measures did the Senate take to build up an army? Where did this clone army come from? Finally, after answering all of this, why did the Senate finally agree to declare war?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * Once again, there is a total lack of detail in terms of the election, this time for Supreme Chancellor. First, who was the sitting Supreme Chancellor? How did he run his campaign? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? What was the focus of his two opponents? There needs to be a lot more detail here.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * You say that Cos pleaded for “more” emergency powers? When did he receive emergency powers in the first place? Remember, emergency powers are not inherent in the position of a government executive like this, so you need to address how he first got them.
 * Sorry, that was a typo. Fixed.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * After spending so much time stating how Cos was always so big on ensuring the best things possible for the Republic, I’m concerned with the lack of detail on why he would prolong the war and why he wanted more emergency powers.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * You ended one sentence saying that many more Republic worlds were captured, but began the next one by saying that it appeared the Republic would win without explaining the turn of events. I don’t see how you can jump a year and a half between two sentences. Surely important things must have happened then?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * Get rid of the "Styles of Address" section. It's totally irrelevant.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 23:02, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * More will come later. As it stands, while I’m intrigued by the storyline, this is nowhere near Featured article quality. There are too many points of detail lacking throughout the article, as evident above, and I just don’t think it’s very well written. The prose is very shaky and unengaging. It’s hard to explain, but I think you need to steer clear of some of the parts that are more suited for a narrative and just make the prose a bit more compelling. I mentioned the thing above about how you should find another way to refer to Cos than just “Cos”, but also the sentence structure and grammar also needs a lot of improvement. This may need a total rewrite, though I haven’t finished it yet so it may not need a total one. We’ll see how the rest is once you get to these. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:27, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) As requested below.
 * 3) *Infobox No need to state his political party in the infobox, although this is purely choice, so do as you wish on that.
 * 4) *Introduction
 * 5) **"was the last Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic" You don't link to the Galactic Republic here, although you do to the Galactic Empire right after. For flow, please link to both.
 * 6) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) **"with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve" Commas around 'such as Governor Tarkin' and who is he? Context, link perhaps.
 * 8) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) **" The unaware senators did not realize they just gave Palpatine not only emergency powers, but they gave up their democracy." Very flowerly and unnecessary, could be worded much better without the bad grammar, POV and in past tense, not present tense.
 * 10) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **"a form of government not seen since the time of Judah Zaren," Who? Context.
 * 12) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) **You constantly go back and forth between referring to him as 'Cos' or 'Palpatine'; stick with one or the other please, suggestively Palpatine.
 * 14) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) **"founded the Alliance of Free Planets" Link perhaps? A tiny bit of context.
 * 16) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) **"The Galactic Civil War would last for many years" Link perhaps, and this is why you need context on the above opposition. This just comes out of nowhere.
 * 18) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) **"on Terra when defeat was inevitable." No link to Terra, and that last bit is POV. Put that he believed it was inevitable or something.
 * 20) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) **You end the intro with "However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire." Okay, so what's the point of that? Go further, perhaps into why not, how long it lasted, his legacy. Doesn't have to be long or anything, but that feels very awkward, unfinished. Give me some closure, man.
 * 22) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) *I will review more section-by-section later, but some things right off the bat: Image:Threatofskywalker.jpg needs proper formatting and linking to its source; "Legacy" header needs to be level 3 (part of biography), not level 2; Talents needs to be renamed to 'Talents and abilities', or, if he was a Force-user (which I don't believe so) it instead needs to be 'Powers and abilities'; No links to any of his appearances?; Lastly, fix up and cut down on the categories. Not necessary to have twenty categories. Remove the doubled up ones, which means those that all lead back to the same category. For example, you have "Imperial officers", "Imperial individuals", and "Imperials". Only one you need of those three is the first. Then, if you like alphabetize them, but please clean them up. More review once these objections are taken care of. If the article is anything like the intro, I suspect lots of missing context, links, and lots of POV. :\ --Victortalk 07:45, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 24) **Vic, if you read the MOS, Legacy is a Level 2 header, not a Level 3 header. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 13:11, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) ***Ah, well that should be amended methinks. It actually belongs in the biography. --Victortalk 05:29, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) ****I personally don't think it needs to be, but who says it needs to be amended? - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 05:44, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 27) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 28) *Introduction
 * 29) **Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin [...] Awkward wording. Should be Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with ministers such as Governor Tarkin [...]
 * 30) **Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve more emergency powers usually reserved for the Senate to better execute a campaign against the Mandalorian Clans during the Clone Wars. Run-on.
 * 31) **Palpatine based his desires for emergency powers on the principles of not abusing them and relinquishing them at the end of the war back to the Senate. Awkward. He desired them because he promised not to abuse them? He desired them because he was giving them back at the end of the war?
 * 32) **[...] and relinquishing them at the end of the war back to the Senate. Awkward. The war was behind the Senate?
 * 33) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people [...] Awkward. The use of 'its people' is awkward and somewhat vague. Something utilizing the word 'citizens' would do better.
 * 34) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people, and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen. Fragment. The use of ", and" roughly equals a period. As such, that makes "Was able to create one of the most powerful military forces [...]" to be a sentence, which it is not.
 * 35) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people, and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen. Coherence. What does the clause at the beginning to do with the phrase at the end?
 * 36) **For thirty five years, Palpatine's rule would go relatively unopposed [...] Logic. Not really a real 'oppose,' but that makes no sense. No new government goes unopposed. In fact, no old government goes unopposed.
 * 37) **For thirty five years, Palpatine's rule would go relatively unopposed, until disgruntled former senators founded the Alliance of Free Planets [...] Comma splice. Remove the comma between "unopposed" and "until."
 * 38) **[...] an organization that was the base for a rebellion against the Empire. Wording. Odd use of the word "base."
 * 39) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years [...] Reference. What the GCW is and how it pertains to the previous sentence is not explained.
 * 40) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years, but in 4 ABY, he killed himself during a Rebel assault on Terra [...] Pronoun reference. "He" who? The Godfather?
 * 41) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years, but in 4 ABY, he killed himself during a Rebel assault [...] Reference. Who are the Rebels? The Southern States?
 * 42) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Wording. Said as if the mysterious "he" died to end the Empire.
 * 43) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Wording. Though not exactly wrong, it is more proper to place the lone phrase "however" in the midst of a sentence instead of the beginning.
 * 44) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Redundancy. The phrase "the Empire" is used over and over. Refer to "the Empire" in more than just one way. After all, it's official name is the Galactic Empire.
 * 45) **Darth Vader gained control [...] Reference. Who's Darth Vader? A puppy?
 * 46) **[...] and had the remaining Imperials regroup [...] Reference. What's an Imperial? A system of weights and measures?
 * 47) ***That's the intro. How wonderful. As well, as I have said before, the article, covering the subject matter that it does, is short and rather...boring. I believe it is because so many villains are based off Hitler. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:31, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) Not up to par yet. Per above. --  Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:26, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) From the democratic-turned-imperial Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 50) *General:
 * 51) ** The sourcing on Image:133946 palpatine l.jpg is incorrect. It is not from cut content in Episode III. That’s a screencapture from Episode II, from a scene that was included in the final cut. Please correct this, as it’s currently violating US Copyright Law.
 * 52) ** Although this is purely personal preference, I’d suggest a new color for that infobox. It’s just...ugh. Not a very good color for a dictator.
 * 53) * Introduction:
 * 54) ** “Commonly” is, kind of, borderline POV. I’d suggest changing it to “also known as”.
 * 55) ** You say “more emergency” powers as if he already has them, but you don’t mention these anywhere before it.
 * 56) ** What’s more, you don’t mention ANYTHING about his pre-Chancellorship in the introduction. Surely you can manage a sentence or two on his military and pre-Chancellor political career.
 * 57) ** Were the Mandalorian Clans the main enemy of the Clone Wars? What were the Clone Wars? Explain this without making it a run on sentence.
 * 58) ** What defines the peak of power? That part of the sentence is unclear.
 * 59) ** You should state that the Galactic Empire was a dictatorship or something. You can have Empires that aren’t that bad, so by not giving context then, for all I know, the Empire was all rainbows and sunshine.
 * 60) ** “With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people” - that’s written as if the first part is supposed to explain the second part, but it doesn’t. Reword for clarity.
 * 61) ** “the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen” - POV, in my opinion. You never know what’s lurking in the Unknown Regions, and as the author of the article you can’t state something like that as fact.
 * 62) ** “that was the base for” - awkward wording. I suggest changing “base” to “basis”.
 * 63) ** What’s Terra?
 * 64) ** Who’s Darth Vader?
 * 65) ** Where did Vader have the Empire regroup? I ask because regroup could mean a lot of things.
 * 66) ** Link to: Supreme Chancellor, Governor, Galactic Senate, Mandalorians and Clone Wars.
 * 67) *Early life:
 * 68) ** Link to Corell.
 * 69) ** Known as the jewel of the galaxy by whom? State that to give it some context.
 * 70) ** “was raised as any city boy on Corell, in wealth and luxury” - utter POV. The idea that everyone on a planet is wealthy is preposterous. Just say that he was raised in wealth and luxury.
 * 71) ** “large family” - POV. For example, that lady who just had octoplets says that 16 kids is fine, but I think she’s batsh!t insane. Ergo, POV.
 * 72) ** Link to Galactic Republic.
 * 73) ** “the Palpatines were good friends with the Valorums, whom a member of the family, Jacob Valorum, was Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic” - that goes well beyond awkward wording. Also, link to Supreme Chancellor.
 * 74) ** You don’t really explain why knowing the Valorums interested Palpatine in politics.
 * 75) ** Sculptor, eh? Hmm, a future dictator who wanted to be an artist. Sounds familiar.
 * 76) ** “did very well with his sculpting assignments” - POV
 * 77) ** “became so talented, in their opinions” - not POV, but the “so talented” part might as well be. Reword it to something like “In the opinion of his professors, he became talented enough that they entered him...”.
 * 78) ** Link to Coruscant and give context on what it is.
 * 79) ** “During the contest, they” - who’s they? Palpatine? His professor? The hockey mom?
 * 80) ** Link to Duros and give context on what it is.
 * 81) ** Woah woah woah, hold up now. You’re telling me that someone who was born and raised in proper and posh luxury is going to regress into a whiny bitch, run out like a four year old girl and then give up his fortune to live on the streets for four years? That’s incredibly forced, and it seems that he’s only doing that because the author wants him to. That doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 * 82) ** How did he get to Terra, and what IS Terra? He lived on Corell, and he was on Coruscant, yet he goes and lives on the streets of Terra? That seems to imply that he boarded a ship headed for Terra just to be poor there. If he’s going to be poor, why not just be poor on Coruscant? Again, that seems incredibly forced.
 * 83) ** Link to Humans.
 * 84) ** Link to the Jedi and give context on who they are.
 * 85) ** Link to Republic Army. There is an article on Wookieepedia about it.
 * 86) ** Context on who the Mandalorian Clans are.
 * 87) ** Private Palpatine? This is the first mention of his rank. Instead of saying “Palpatine joined the Republic Army”, say “Palpatine enlisted as a private in the Republic Army”, then get rid of the “Enlisted as a recruit part”.
 * 88) ** Link to Dagobah and state that it’s a world of swamps (that way a mentioning of the swamp world that you have later will make sense).
 * 89) ** “hold the planet from the Mandalorians” - awkward wording.
 * 90) ** In the image caption, you don’t need to state his full name. Just say “Private Palpatine”.
 * 91) ** Brief bit of context on trench warfare would be helpful.
 * 92) ** Average aim is POV.
 * 93) ** “When Mandalorians would reach the trenches, Palpatine would bayonet the crossing Mandalorians with the bayonet attached to his blaster rifle.” - awkward wording, and rather pointless if you ask me.
 * 94) ** “Palpatine and his comrades” - prosey.
 * 95) ** I find it very unlikely that the Republic would keep soldiers on the defense on a swamp world for two whole years. Furthermore, I find it even more unlikely that the Mandalorians would try to capture such a useless planet for two years. Once again, this seems like it’s happening just because the author wants it to as opposed to it actually making sense. Two months is one thing; two years is ridiculous.
 * 96) ** I’m pretty sure that if they hardly had any baths, the creatures and insects of Daghobah would eat them alive. Take it from me: I’ve been out in the woods on hikes where you don’t shower for over a week. Bugs try to kill you then. Now take that and multiply it by 104. I’m seeing some chewed up corpses. How about you?
 * 97) ** Why did Palpatine believe Valorum neglected the troops? A simple addition of “due to the conditions on the ground” at the end of the sentence would suffice.
 * 98) ** “The Mandalorians then launched” - poor wording. Change it to something like “Eventually, the Mandalorians launched”.
 * 99) ** Massive is POV.
 * 100) ** “until their mounted turrets and their rifle ammunition” - remove the second “their”. The first one applies to both the turrets and the ammunition.
 * 101) ** “Very” low is POV.
 * 102) ** “they were more concerned” - who was more concerned?
 * 103) ** “and had an ammunition crisis of their own”. This makes the sentence a borderline run-on. You should make this its own sentence by saying “The fleet also had an ammunition crisis of its own”.
 * 104) ** Ordering all ground forces to return to capital ships is risky since the Mandalorians would likely attack those ships as they were ascending into orbit. You should mention something about the Republic ships forming a defense perimeter.
 * 105) ** Do you honestly expect us to believe that the same person who ran away from a SCULPTING contest like a twelve year old girl is going to keep shooting and bayoneting Mandalorians until his men grabbed him and dragged him to a shuttle? Once again, you’re FORCING the character to do something simply because you want him to. There’s no reason as to why it’s happening other than that’s what you want to have happen. And please stop using the word comrade.
 * 106) * Ambitions for power:
 * 107) ** Bravery is POV. If you ask me, I’d say his actions at the end of the battle were more psychotic than brave.
 * 108) ** Give context on who Mandalore the Magnificent is. Also, that doesn’t seem like much of a Mandalore name to me. It makes me compare it to Mandalore the Fabulous.
 * 109) ** “The death of Mandalore the Magnificent had been slain in combat”. If you take out Mandalore, that says “the death had been slain in combat”. Might want to reword that.
 * 110) ** “end this war” - would send better as “end the war”, but meh.
 * 111) ** The sentence beginning with “The death of Mandalore” and ending with “to the Republic” is a bit of a run-on.
 * 112) ** “This questioned many authorities” - I think you mean “confused”.
 * 113) ** Although armistice is an appropriate term, you should use plain language. Not everyone knows what that word means. Articles should be simple to read.
 * 114) ** Put a comma after “Palpatine was angered”.
 * 115) ** You have Palpatine return home to Corell, yet you avoid any mentioning of a reunion with his family. He didn’t see them for six years and he doesn’t go and at least say hello?
 * 116) ** You talk about the reemergence of the Republican Workers Party as if we should know what that is. Give context to it and state why it would have to reemerge (as in, did it once exist and then take a vacation to Bermuda, etc.?)
 * 117) ** How does one simply “place” themselves as the leader of a party?
 * 118) ** The sentence starting with “With his supporters” is poorly worded. Change it to “Palpatine had his supporters armed, and they marched to the home of the Governor of Corell intending to overthrow the Corellian government”.
 * 119) ** Change “whom had” to “who had”.
 * 120) ** Change “fired back and were wounded” to “fired back and were also wounded”, since you’ve mentioned that Palpatine was wounded.
 * 121) ** “Palpatine was placed under arrest brought to the Corellian Court” - you seem to be missing an “and”.
 * 122) ** What’s the Corellian Court?
 * 123) ** There needs to be a comma after “governor” and before “however”.
 * 124) ** “telling them how he attempted” - who is he?
 * 125) ** “and kill him” - who is him?
 * 126) ** Put a period after “and kill him” (or whatever you change it to) and start a new sentence with “The governor also accused Palpatine of being an anarchist terrorist”.
 * 127) ** Unless Corell is different, juries don’t grant parole. Parole boards do. They also need a much better reason than “we agree with you”. Say something about good behavior, etc. It would also be more believable if you had his parole rejected the first time but approved the second time.
 * 128) ** “The opponent to Palpatine” - change to “Palpatine’s opponent”.
 * 129) ** What’s Organa Major?
 * 130) ** Change “Palpatine had his campaign motto be “Workers First”” to “Palpatine chose “Workers First” as his campaign motto”. Also explain why he chose this in half a sentence or so.
 * 131) ** Extreme in “extreme poverty” is POV.
 * 132) ** “His opponent, Bellatrix Spince” - you’ve already introduced her. Just say “Spince had much of the high...”.
 * 133) ** What kind of life goals was he relating to?
 * 134) ** “big margin” - POV.
 * 135) ** “and he was inaugurated” - say “and he was later inaugurated”.
 * 136) *Clone Wars:
 * 137) ** Wait, you talk about Coruscant earlier, but Terra is the capital of the Republic? Hopefully this is all cleared up when you provide context earlier in the article.
 * 138) ** What’s the relevance of The Works? Give context on what it is, and then link to it. Secluded is also borderline POV.
 * 139) ** Link to Corellian sector.
 * 140) ** “there forces” --> “their forces”.
 * 141) ** What’s Taris?
 * 142) ** The Mandalorians seem to have invaded and annexed Taris with incredible ease. Did no one put up a fight?
 * 143) ** Drastic is POV.
 * 144) ** “The Senate then went through drastic measures to build up an army, with the help of a clone army which was started nearly nine years ago after the events of the Stark Hyperspace War, when the Republic realized a standing army would be necessary, and that clones would be more efficient in battle.” - obvious run on sentence. Start a new sentence after “Stark Hyperspace War”. Also, what’s the Stark Hyperspace War? Give context and link to it. Why did they realize a standing army would be necessary and that clones would be more efficient? Don’t go into a lot of detail, just give a brief bit of context.
 * 145) ** Get rid of the sentence about the armistice. We already know that.
 * 146) ** Combine the first and third sentence (I’m counting the armistice as the second, even though it needs to be deleted) to say this: “The Senate first agreed to send a message to Mandalore the Merciful, as the Republic felt that diplomacy could be used to end the conflict before it grew larger”. The part about urging the Mandalorians to leave is also redundant.
 * 147) ** “The Mandalorians replied with that” - poor wording. Change it to “The Mandalorians replied by saying that”.
 * 148) ** “war on the Mandalorian Clans, which would begin the galactic conflict known as the Clone Wars” - too wordy. Say “war on the Mandalorian Clans, beginning the galaxy-spanning Clone Wars”.
 * 149) ** “very pleased”, even in this context, is borderline POV. Change it to “pleased”.
 * 150) ** The first two sentences about Palpatine and Tarkin can be combined to say: “Palpatine was approached by the Governor of Eriadu, Wilhuff Vladamir Tarkin, who was convinced that the sixty-five year old Palpatine was needed to lead the Republic during this time of crisis”.
 * 151) ** How did Palpatine suddenly get to be sixty five? He was young when he was elected a Senator, and the only transition you have between him first becoming a Senator and the beginning of the Mandalorian threat is “One day”. If it’s years, you need to state how many years passed by or else this age change is going to be insanely confusing.
 * 152) ** Why was Tarkin convinced that Palpatine was needed to lead?
 * 153) ** The sentence about Palpatine disliking Valorum is very poorly worded. Just say “Palpatine agreed, disliking Valorum because of the latter’s actions on Dagobah years earlier”.
 * 154) ** “Palpatine did so” - did what?
 * 155) ** Link to Bail Antilles, Alderaan, Ainlee Teem and Malastare.
 * 156) ** Just for clarification purposes, change “if his true ideals were” to “if his desire to go to war was”.
 * 157) ** You can’t simply assume Palpatine would have been defeated. Change the part about suffering defeat to “he believed he would have been defeated”.
 * 158) ** Unless you’ve changed something in your alternative universe here, Supreme Chancellor campaigns don’t go on for a year. It’s really only a few weeks like the British parliamentary system.
 * 159) ** The sentence about the speeches is poorly worded. Change it to “Palpatine gave many speeches, which were written by Tarkin, to the Senate in order to rally support for his campaign”.
 * 160) ** Change “once the vote came” to “once election day came”.
 * 161) ** “very close” is POV. Just say close.
 * 162) ** Capitalize Chancellor.
 * 163) ** The outgoing Chancellor inaugurates the new one?
 * 164) ** For clarification purposes, state what his plan was. Change it to something like “and began putting plans for the war into motion”.
 * 165) ** What’s a Sith?
 * 166) ** What is this “something that could change the war”? Context.
 * 167) ** “to unravel the mystery” - prosey. Just say “to discover the truth about the Sith” or something.
 * 168) ** What’s Muunilist? Give context and link to it.
 * 169) ** Link to Outer Rim.
 * 170) ** Who did Palpatine command? The Army? The Mandalorians? The Outer Rim? Context.
 * 171) ** This is the first time you’ve mentioned a “Grand Army of the Republic”. Last time a Republic military force was mentioned by name, it was just the Republic Army. I suggest going back to the paragraph that introduces the clones and say that they were named the Grand Army of the Republic.
 * 172) ** “but that they” should be “and that they”
 * 173) ** More emergency powers? This is the first time you say anything about emergency powers in the Bio section. When did he get his first emergency powers? What did he say that convinced the Senate? Context, context, context!
 * 174) **Change the sentence about how Palpatine and Tarkin did stuff in secret to say this: “Palpatine and Tarkin, who had recently been appointed as Supreme Commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, secretly met with Palpatine’s other ministers to begin plotting new ways for Palpatine to gain additional emergency powers. Their conclusion was to allow the war to progress longer than they felt it needed to.”
 * 175) **Change the next sentence to say: “The Senate once again voted in favor of Palpatine’s request for more powers, trusting him to relinquish them at the end of the war”. Also give context on WHY they voted for it again.
 * 176) **Your sentence about turning the Republic into a fascist dictatorship doesn’t make sense in this context. Unless you want to write like two paragraphs explaining what it is you mean, I suggest simply removing it and waiting until we get to the rise of the Empire.
 * 177) **You should create articles, even if they’re stubs, for the Battle of Corell and the Battle of Onderon.
 * 178) **“and informed him the Sith they believed to be in existence” - it would sound better as “the Sith that they believed did, in fact, exist” since it was said earlier that they did NOT believe the Sith existed. This helps cover the fact that they now do believe it.
 * 179) **Link to Deak Skywalker.
 * 180) **“Palpatine then sent” - remove “then”.
 * 181) **“sent the Jedi away, and contacted Deak, and told him that the Jedi suspected him of being a Sith” - first, reword that to the following: “sent the Jedi away and contacted Deak, telling him that the Jedi suspected Deak of being a Sith”; second, that would be an incredibly poor strategy. Palpatine wouldn’t put his cards on the table like that. He would just say he needed to talk to Deak in his office.
 * 182) **Link to Jedi High Council.
 * 183) **“and attempted to arrest him” - arrest who?
 * 184) **Link to Jedi Master.
 * 185) **Reword to “as Deak fought and killed the Jedi Masters”.
 * 186) **Reword to “Palpatine offered Deak protection in return for Deak’s service to Palpatine. Deak agreed and revealed himself as Darth Vader, a Dark Lord of the Sith who had been trained by a Sith called Plagueis the Wise”.
 * 187) **Change “to put his plan into action” to “his plans for creating an empire into action”.
 * 188) **Change “they decided to execute the New Order” to “they decided to announce the New Order”.
 * 189) **Change “and he formally declared all members” to “formally declaring all members”.
 * 190) **Change “informed the commanders” to “ordered the commanders”.
 * 191) **Change “the war, however, continued as” to “the war continued, however, as”.
 * 192) **Change “did not give up to the newly” to “did not surrender to the newly”.
 * 193) **A bit of context on how “absolute rule” was taken so quickly would be helpful. Just give a brief bit of context on how Palpatine was in full control of the government and the military due to the accumulation of all the emergency powers.
 * 194) **Change “within seconds and not days and with the help and counsel of Darth Vader” to “within seconds, not days as it had been during the Republic, with help and counsel from Darth Vader”.
 * 195) **“crush the Mandalorians with ease” is blatant POV.
 * 196) **“were the scattered” - I believe you mean “were scattered”, and remove the comma between “scattered” and “and spread”.
 * 197) **“Shortly afterwards” should be “Shortly thereafter”.
 * 198) **Reword the part about the Death Star to say this: “met on Corell to discuss plans for what they had named the Death Star, a moon-sized battle station that would have enough firepower to destroy an entire planet”.
 * 199) **Context on why Tarkin was placed as the supervisor. Just say something like “construction, due to Palpatine having come to trust him during the war”.
 * 200) *Reign of the Empire and death:
 * 201) **“and would be the major galactic power till” - till? TILL?!?!?! Please tell me you’re joking. Don’t ever use that word in an encyclopedic article. Change it to “until”.
 * 202) **Why was Palpatine considered a ruthless leader?
 * 203) **Earlier, you had “New Order” capitalized, but now you say “new order”. Please decide which one it is. I suggest the former.
 * 204) **Change the sentences about Vader and Obi-Wan to say this: “Shortly after the formation of the New Order, Palpatine sent his newly appointed Supreme Commander of the Imperial Fleet, Darth Vader, to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi. Vader and Kenobi, the latter of whom was one of the last and supposedly strongest members of the Order of the Jedi, dueled one another on Mustafar.” This is better wording and it removes some POV. Also link to Mustafar (and say that it’s a planet, like “one another on the planet Mustafar) and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
 * 205) **As I told you on MSN, I strongly suggest that you refer to Darth Vader either by the full name or as Vader. I know that “Darth” in your universe is a first name and not a title, but it will confuse people by referring to him just as “Darth”.
 * 206) **“best surgeons” is POV.
 * 207) **“needing his Force powers” - whose Force powers? And what’s the Force? Link to it as well.
 * 208) **Rewrite the sentence about Vader being saved to say this: “The surgeons saved Vader, but the Sith Lord’s injuries required him to wear a black suit of armor with breathing devices, coolants and a helmet”.
 * 209) **“Palpatine, however, liked Darth’s new look” - that sounds like a fourteen year old girl saying “yo girl I liek ur look OMG lol”. Say something like “Although Vader’s anger grew because of having to wear the suit, Palpatine felt that it would fill their subordinates with fear. If Palpatine was correct, he believed it would allow them to more easily and effectively control their subordinates.”
 * 210) **“Palpatine faced opposition in the Imperial Senate” - link to Imperial Senate and give context on what this opposition was for and why. The last time you spoke about the Senate, they seemed to be worshiping the ground Palpatine walked on.
 * 211) **Reword the rest of the sentence in this way: “particularly from senators such as Mon Mothma, Bail Antilles and, later, Antilles’s daughter Leia. These three Senators were members of a newly formed rebel faction called the Alliance of Free Planets.” That just makes it flow a bit better, and gives it some context. Also make sure to keep your link to Leia, and link to Mon Mothma and the Alliance of Free Planets.
 * 212) **Reword: “Palpatine ordered a group of Imperial Stormtroopers to secretly arrest the senators, but the three senators escaped with other rebels”.
 * 213) **Reword: “After the rebel senators escaped, Palpatine announced to the galaxy that anyone who conspired or associated themselves with the rebellion would be arrested and executed for treason. Many citizens were frightened into compliance, while others who had supposedly stronger wills ignored the warning. One such person was Imperial General Jan Dodonna, who left the Empire to fight for the rebels.” Also link to Jan Dodonna.
 * 214) **Reword: “The first armed conflict between the Empire and the rebels, during what later became known as the Galactic Civil War, was fought on the planet Kashyyyk when the rebels gained the support of the indigenous Wookiee population.” Link to Galactic Civil War, Kashyyyk and Wookiee.
 * 215) **“natives of the planet” - change to “native Wookiees” for clarification purposes.
 * 216) **Reword: “Angered by the Empire’s loses, Palpatine believed he had to test the Empire’s strength on Kashyyyk in order to make an example out of the planet. Therefore, Palpatine ordered a fleet of Star Destroyers, which were vessels of the Imperial fleet, to perform a Base Delta Zero operation. This operation destroyed most of the Wookiee villages on the planet, but the trees that the villages were built into remained standing.” Also link to Star Destroyer.
 * 217) **Fifteen years in one sentence? I think you can write a whole paragraph citing a few examples of what happened over the next fifteen years. Also, don’t use contractions like “didn’t”. You need to say “did not”. That applies to anything like “can’t”, “won’t”, “don’t”, etc.
 * 218) **Reword: “Wanting the Rebels to see what he felt was the true power of the Empire, Palpatine ordered Tarkin to use the Death Star on Taris, a world in the Outer Rim. Tarkin, however, informed Palpatine that the Death Star would not be available for use for another eighteen years.”
 * 219) **In reference to the above objection, shouldn’t Palpatine know whether the Death Star is completed or not? I mean, he’s the Galactic Empire. You’d think he’d know these things....
 * 220) **Reword: “In response, Palpatine ordered a larger military presence on the Empire’s more heavily populated worlds, hoping that it would destroy any rebel activity.
 * 221) **Reword: “Palpatine did not believe that the Rebellion would use the planet of Dantooine as a secret base, as it was an agricultural planet that he believed lacked in significance”. Also link to Dantooine.
 * 222) **In reference to the above objection, why are you mentioning Dantooine here? It’s not mentioned at all later on, so this seems to be a rather useless piece of information.
 * 223) **Reword: “During that time, Darth Vader had made progress in keeping the Imperial Fleet in line, using what many noted to be his fearful appearance as well as the Force to make examples out of failures.”
 * 224) **Reword this whole paragraph to say this: “Darth Vader later informed Palpatine that Vader suspected Tarkin of plotting to overthrow the Emperor, using the Death Star to destroy Terra. Palpatine ordered Vader to stay on the Death Star in order to keep an eye on Tarkin, and during that time Vader reported to Palpatine that the Rebellion was in the possession of the Death Star plans. Knowing that the rebels might be able to find and exploit a weakness in the station’s design, Palpatine ordered the Imperial fleet to track down the rebels. Leia Antilles and a group of rebels, who were captured aboard the Death Star with the plans, managed to escape with the plans. Using the plans, the Alliance was able to assault the station and destroy it, killing Tarkin the process. Vader, however, survived and reported to Palpatine that the man who destroyed the Death Star was strong in the Force. Palpatine gave Vader the authority to find out who the man was and track him down.”
 * 225) **Reword: “Three years later, the Imperial intelligence agency informed Palpatine that the Rebellion had relocated to Hoth, a planet in the Outer Rim.”
 * 226) **Lead should be led.
 * 227) **Reword: “After the battle, Palpatine contacted Vader and informed him that the young man who destroyed the Death Star was to be considered an enemy of the Empire. The man was Lucas Skywalker, the son of Vader’s former self, and Palpatine ordered that Skywalker was not to become a Jedi. Vader proposed turning Skywalker to the dark side of the Force, and Palpatine commanded that Skywalker was to either join them or die.”
 * 228) **In reference to the above objection, I think you wrote this paragraph strictly to have it correspond with the films. How is the bit about Skywalker not becoming a Jedi supposed to make sense to us? This is the first we’ve heard of him, and it’s not like we know he’s being trained as a Jedi or if he even is. If he’s being trained by Obi-Wan or something, you can’t just assume we know that. After all, this is an alternate universe story. For all we know, any moron could be training him.
 * 229) **Reword: “Palpatine also assigned Prince Xizor, leader of the Black Sun crime syndicate, the task of killing Skywalker. As Xizor and Vader were searching for Skywalker, the two ended up competing for Palpatine’s favor. This resulted in Xizor’s death, as well as Skywalker’s escape.”
 * 230) **In reference to the above objection, how did Xizor and Vader compete for Palpatine’s favor? How did Palpatine respond to this? Did he even know about it? Also, link to Xizor and Black Sun.
 * 231) **Debacle is POV.
 * 232) **What’s a flame stormtrooper (that should be de-capped by the way)?
 * 233) **Reword: Palpatine ordered his troops not to fire on the rebels who were engulfed in the flames, as he wanted them to die in pain and misery”.
 * 234) **Say that Palpatine later met with scientists.
 * 235) **What’s the Maw Installation? Also, if there’s an article, link to it.
 * 236) **“with plans on constructing” - reword to “regarding plans to construct”.
 * 237) **Put a period after “new Death Star”, then reword the rest by saying: “This newly proposed Death Star would be smaller than the first, with the original weaknesses corrected. Construction began near the forest moon of Endor shortly thereafter”. Also link to the forest moon and link to Endor.
 * 238) **Reword: “Imperial Governor Jerjerrod was placed in charge of the construction, although he was not seen as being as efficient as Tarkin due to construction falling behind schedule. Palpatine sent Vader to the station in order to motivate Jerjerrod and the workers through fear. Palpatine later traveled to the station himself as he wished to personally inspect it, and he was satisfied with the progress that he had seen.”
 * 239) **Reword: “This strategy would involve Palpatine and Vader allowing the rebels to find out about the construction of the Death Star, and the Imperial fleet would hide in a nearby system while the Rebels attacked the Death Star. After the Rebels took the bait and attacked the Death Star, Palpatine ordered the Imperial fleet to enter the Endor system and decimate the Rebels, but his plan failed. The Rebels were able to destroy the Death Star, which Palpatine and Vader had escaped from. The survivors of the Imperial fleet under Gilad Pellaeon, however, managed to escape.”
 * 240) **In reference to the above objection, who is Gilad Pellaeon? Context, and link to it.
 * 241) **Reword this entire last paragraph: “After the second Death Star’s destruction, Vader became angry with what he believed was Palpatine’s poor military leadership. Vader felt that his strategies had been more effective than Palpatine’s, so the Sith Lord began plotting to overthrow Palpatine and instate himself as Galactic Empire. During this time, the Rebellion launched a siege on Terra. Palpatine was escorted to a secure underground bunker, along with other Imperial bureaucrats and politicians. During the siege, Vader entered the bunker and informed Palpatine and the others that the Rebels, who were fighting with Mon Calamari and Wookiee allies, were poised to defeat the Imperials. Believing that he was finally defeated and not wanting to be captured in shame, Palpatine shot and killed himself with a blaster pistol. Leadership of the Empire immediately transferred to Vader, who managed to flee with a crippled Imperial fleet.”
 * 242) **In regards to the above objection, link to the Mon Calamari species (make sure it’s the species, not the planet).
 * 243) * Legacy:
 * 244) ** Reword: “Following Palpatine’s death, the Empire splintered into multiple pieces. Various military leaders, including Vader, attempted to revive the Empire by forming their own factions and fighting one another for dominance. The Rebels soon captured Terra and established the Alliance of Free Planets as the governmental authority of the galaxy, later fighting and defeating nearly all of Palpatine’s successors. Vader himself was also killed by a Jedi, this Jedi serving alongside Lucas Skywalker. Other rebels such as Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, Han Solo of Corell, and the Wookiee Chewbacca also placed roles in the Empire’s downfall. The only Imperial to make it out alive was Gilad Pellaeon, who fled to the Unknown Regions but later sided with the Alliance.”
 * 245) ** Link to Leia Organa, Chewbacca, and the Unknown Regions.
 * 246) ** Reword: “Because of Vader’s death, the Empire completed collapsed, and a new government called the New Republic rose in its place. Lucas Skywalker assisted in the formation of the New Republic. Many historians referred to Palpatine as “evil” and “the man of hate”. Palpatine was noted as being responsible for the near-destruction of the Order of the Jedi, although some Jedi Masters such as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda survived to train Lucas Skywalker. Skywalker went on to create the New Order of the Jedi. During this time, democracy was restored to the galaxy, and Palpatine’s dictatorship was remembered as nothing more than a memory of dark times.”
 * 247) ** In regards to the above objection, link to New Jedi Order and Yoda.
 * 248) * Personality and traits:
 * 249) ** Reword: “Before his time at the University of Corell, Palpatine was seen as being a kind and gentle young man. He was said to have loved his family, particularly his father. Palpatine became involved in the Republican Workers Party after his time in the military, which influenced his hatred of the Order of the Jedi and helped to convince him that the Jedi needed to be destroyed.”
 * 250) ** This is the first mentioning of the University of Corell, and you say it as if we should know what you’re talking about. Why wasn’t this mentioned in the Bio section?
 * 251) ** He loved his family, yet ran away from them for four years? Plot hole.
 * 252) ** Why did the RWP influence his hatred of the Jedi?
 * 253) ** Continued rewording: “With help from Vader and Tarkin, who Palpatine considered friends, Palpatine was able to gain more power than most Supreme Chancellor’s had previously held. He used this power to kill the Jedi, save for the few that escaped. Palpatine’s prejudice against the Jedi caused him to respect Vader’s Sith ideals.”
 * 254) ** This second paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with a personality and traits section.
 * 255) ** This section is really bad. Read personality and traits sections in more recent character featured articles to get a feel for how this section should be written. The important thing you need to do is state a personality feature and then go into detail about why he was that way, what implications it had, etc.
 * 256) *Talents and abilities:
 * 257) **I believe corrupt is POV unless you cite specific charges and convictions leveled against him.
 * 258) **How did this corruption affect his leadership abilities?
 * 259) **Reword: “Despite this, Palpatine was said to have been a good public speaker, and he believed he could lie and give the people false promises without the people realizing it”.
 * 260) **Reword: “Palpatine also believed he was able to effectively determine who was loyal to him and who was not, such as when Vader informed him that Tarkin intended to overthrow Palpatine. After learning this, Palpatine looked at Tarkin’s previous actions and determined that Vader’s accusations were true.”
 * 261) **First sentence of the second paragraph is POV.
 * 262) **In the second sentence, remove “during his youth” and begin the sentence with “During his service”.
 * 263) **Best ground forces is POV.
 * 264) **Reword: “After growing older, Palpatine was said to have become weak enough to where he had to form a group called the Emperor’s Elite, which served as handpicked bodyguards from what Palpatine believed were the best of the stormtroopers.”
 * 265) **In regards to the above objection, why wasn’t this mentioned in the Bio?
 * 266) **Reword: “Palpatine was able to gain the loyalty of the Emperor’s Elite by favoring them over other forces and praising them for their service to the Empire. Palpatine’s ability to have what he felt was absolute loyalty from his military officers, save for exceptions such as Tarkin, proved to be valuable to him when he ordered the extermination of the Jedi.”
 * 267) **In regards to the above, explain why this was valuable.
 * 268) **Reword: “After Palpatine’s death, many of these military commanders kept this loyalty to the Empire, many of them using it to justify their battles for dominance.”
 * 269) *Behind the scenes:
 * 270) **Who’s the author?
 * 271) **Why did you intend to only name him Cos Palpatine?
 * 272) **“only be known by one name” - I believe you mean “being known”.
 * 273) **“Cos was used as Palpatine’s first name as Cos was his original name” - That doesn’t make any sense. Clarification, please.
 * 274) **What is The Phantom Menace? Also, link to it, and use the full title of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
 * 275) **Who’s George Lucas? Also link to him.
 * 276) **Explain this Emperor of Decarte thing.
 * 277) **Who’s Adolf Hitler? What’s Nazi Germany? What parts of Palpatine’s life were based on Hitler?
 * 278) **Tyrant, even when used to describe someone as evil as Hitler, is POV. Not only that, but it’s not the best word to use, considering he was elected. A better would be “dictator”.
 * 279) **This section is very lackluster. Don’t be afraid to go into detail.
 * 280) *Categories:
 * 281) **Nowhere in this article does it indicate that Palpatine was a philosopher, nor does it indicate that he himself was a mass murderer. Please remove those categories.
 * 282) *Final thoughts:
 * 283) **The storyline itself is a bit meh, but I think that’s because it’s lacking in some context. As someone who shall remain nameless said on IRC, though, “there’s a reason they made Palpatine a Sith Lord”. Regardless, I wouldn’t hold that against this article. What I do hold against the article is the novel of objections I wrote over the last two days. I expect you to correct them all, as I will be checking them all. Only after all of this is fixed (as well as any objections that may arise due to things you change around, which happens sometimes) will I support this article for featured status. Please take this seriously, as I spent an absurd amount of time on this. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 06:06, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Alright, I am ready for this to be critiqued for Featured Article status.  Wing   msg 14:32, 25 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Done with Unit's, will do Bac's complaints soon.  Wing   msg 15:09, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

Fixed all of Bac's complaints.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * I'll take a look at your corrections tomorrow. On another note, if you're going to put "done" or whatever underneath every objection, please properly format the indentation of your comments. I shouldn't have to do that for you. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 02:28, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

Oops, sorry.  Wing   msg 02:35, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Fixed some more tweaks yesterday.  Wing   msg 22:12, 4 November 2008 (UTC)

Can I get some more feedback, please?  Wing   msg 17:23, 16 November 2008 (UTC)


 * Alright, will work on Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 00:49, 10 December 2008 (UTC)

Finished Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 17:49, 14 December 2008 (UTC)


 * I had to change some stuff, deleted Judah Zaren and Galactic Socialist Party stuff. Any errors I missed, please post them. Thanks.  Wing   msg 19:50, 26 December 2008 (UTC)

More feedback please? -- Wing   msg 16:48, 31 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Vic left some complaints on the talk page, and I will get to them later today. Sorry, for the wait.  Wing   msg 11:28, 14 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the review Solus.  Wing   msg 19:50, 18 January 2009 (UTC)


 * I'm giving this article a proper review now. It should be done by tomorrow (I'm going to post it all at once). - Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 07:22, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

My 10 MS Word pages worth of objections is up. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 06:06, 9 February 2009 (UTC)


 * Done with all 10 MS Word pages worth of objections.  Wing   msg 05:01, 24 February 2009 (UTC)

Vote for removal (Seers ONLY) (5/5)

 * 1) I’m proposing that this article be removed from the nominations track. I probably should have done this when I wrote ten pages (literally) worth of objections, but I didn’t. Here are my reasons:
 * 2) *I was re-reviewing things yesterday to strike off objections, and I found that a number of the objections weren’t corrected. I said “okay, it was probably just a few from this section” and corrected them myself, but the lack of corrections continued. Many of the ones that were corrected were done in a sub-par fashion and still required me to correct them. I’m not going to keep re-reviewing this article until the author takes the time to go back and actually correct them to standards.
 * 3) *General FA requirements, Rule 2, Part 1: “To be well written, the article must have a prose that is engaging and of a professional standard”. I find this to lack an engaging prose and a professional standard, making it not very well written. This needs a lot of work and could, really, do with a total rewrite. Obviously you can’t add POV and prose to it, but don’t make it read like the Encyclopedia Britannica either.
 * 4) *General FA requirements, Rule 2, Part 2: “To be detailed, an article must be written in an encyclopedic format with no point of view in the detail, though the detail does not have to be novella-like detail. The detail must also contain all relevant major facts and plot points.” Too many plot holes and unexplained things in this article to warrant FA status. This also factors into Rule 2, Part 3.
 * 5) *General FA requirements, Rule 2, Part 8: “The article must not be a Mary Sue as specified by the following requirements for certain types of articles.” It’s my opinion that this character is just a typical “take over the galaxy with nothing standing in his way” type character until the very end when he finally has to kill himself in a rip-off of Hitler. No weaknesses, not even in the talents section. Mary Sue.
 * 6) *There’s a lot more, but this is enough justification for the removal of this nomination, as it’s still very sub-par. I’ll volunteer to work with Xwing327 independently in the hopes of having this promoted to FA status. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 01:13, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 01:17, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Yes, but I'd like to see it nominated again eventually.  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 01:18, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) Per above. This article isn't ready.--[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 04:21, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) Per above. This article isn't ready.--[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 04:21, 28 February 2009 (UTC)