CS:Incident on Adirof's moon

This is the archived review page for the successful featured article nomination of Incident on Adirof's moon.

Approve (7 Seers/2 users/9 total)

 * 1) Now that my objections have been addressed. Well done. - Brandon Rhea  (talk) (contribs) 17:33, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Yeah, it's great. –Victor  [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|15px]] ( talk page ) 05:53, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Now that three Seers have reviewed it and two have approved.  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 19:04, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] (talk) (contributions) 19:53, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) No objections. --[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 21:12, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) A good article.  Darth Wylind [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|25px]] ( Conference Room ) 02:47, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 02:51, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) A fun read. Brent Krajewski [[Image:Pylon.gif|27px]] (The Forge)   (Gateway)
 * 9) I've spotted no problems. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined 03:25, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) Lavi (talk) 03:34, 10 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) *Intro
 * 2) **"The Incident on Adirof's moon was an event orchestrated in part by Darth Sidious that occured during the Clone Wars." Who's Darth Sidious? Context.
 * 3) **"clone trooper pilot Reeves was secretly sent to Adirof, with a Jedi, three clone troopers, and two prisoners on board" The second instance of clone trooper is linked, yet the first one isn't. Reverse this.
 * 4) **"seemingly-unpopulated word" Words are populated??
 * 5) **"tension rose from previous situations and suspicions had grown from the crash, resulting in them fighting against each other. " What previous situations? And suspicions about what exactly? Context, clarification.
 * 6) ***I don't really think that much detail's needed for the infobox. IMO, it doesn't have enough to the current situation as an Incident/Battle. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:57, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **"After escaping them, they determined that," Who's they? Please tell us again as we lost context on who 'they' are in this new paragraph.
 * 8) **"Dular, the Jedi, " No link, and why couldn't it have been mentioned earlier who all the crew members are/were by name?
 * 9) **"Upon locating a Sheathipede-class transport shuttle" 'Sheathipede' should be italicized.
 * 10) **"Bodotor Thuvat and Dem Nozah had remained in order to make a deal" Where they 'remained' isn't really clear. Express that.
 * 11) **"Though the incident did not go exactly as was according to Darth Sidious's plan" A bit awkward saying 'as was according'. Maybe reword?
 * 12) *Infobox
 * 13) **The 'Previous' battle thingy only needs one reference, that being the first one that mentioned it, two is unnecessary. However since we have no rule(s) on sourcing, I guess that is a matter of opinion as it stands. Same thing with 'Date'.
 * 14) **Generally, in little places like 'Objective' and 'Outcome', there aren't periods at the end of the sentences. I know grammatically there should be, but in an infobox we usually use concise sentences without punctuation (other than semi-colons perhaps). Again, opinionish stuff.
 * 15) *More later. –Victor  [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|15px]] ( talk page ) 05:19, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) **All have been addressed except the one responded to. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:57, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) My turn:
 * 18) *Although the Jedi Knight Dular had been successful in clearing his name after being falsely accused of dealing with terrorists, Palpatine had not declared Bodotor Thuvat, who is Palpatine?
 * 19) *Also try giving a little bit of context to the Nockudemey--their cause, possibly.
 * 20) **Well, I think there really isn't much to say since the name and "their original purpose—which, he claimed, was not one of terrorism" make it clear they're terrorists. That's no other known goal besides terrorism. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:00, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) *Why were Nozah and Ordo exactly were sent along with them? What was their importance?
 * 22) **Ordo's reasons aren't said exactly in the photonovel, exactly (though why he wanted to be there is clear), but Nozah really has as much reason to be there as Thuvat. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:02, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) *the Black Sun and Confederacy of Independent Systems would cause trouble for his trial. Give context to both those organizations.
 * 24) *Although, Reeves was killed by an explosion before the shuttle hit the ground, the others survived, with no fatal injuries...how did the others survive?
 * 25) **It's not said in the chapter. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:03, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *Intending to escape what he thought was madness, Dular had left the group, only to be confronted by dark side disciple Asajj Ventress....as Ventress as already been given context and and introduction further up in the sectio, just call her 'Ventress' here and push any necessary context up there.
 * 27) *While Dooku communicated with his Master, Darth Sidious, who was actually the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, via hologram...put 'via hologram' after 'his master'
 * 28) *It was inspired by a swordfight in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest in which the main characters turned on and fought against each other. a comma after 'Dead Man's Chest'
 * 29) *That's it for now. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:48, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **All have been addressed except the ones responded to. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:06, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ***Good job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  15:09, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 32)  From the incidental Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 33) * Infobox:
 * 34) ** I may be wrong so I didn’t edit this myself, but I believe there should be a semicolon between “moon” and “Bodotor” in the outcome field.
 * 35) * Introduction:
 * 36) ** I just learned this recently, but “however” is best used between two parts of a sentence rather than before it. Therefore, it would probably be better to say: “Before it could arrive on Adirof, however, the shuttle was shot down”.
 * 37) ** Can you give context on what the “previous situations” were? If not, just ignore this.
 * 38) ***Well, it's kind of complicated and can't really be said in a few words, and I don't think it would be relevant enough for the infobox. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) ** “resulting in them fighting against each other” - put “in the survivors fighting”, because when you say “them” it almost sounds like the previous situations and suspicions are being referred to.
 * 40) ** “After escaping them” - who’s them? Give context since it’s the beginning of a new paragraph.
 * 41) ** When you say “because of the Separatist’s occupation”, it’s the first time you’ve mentioned this so you should say “occupation of the moon” just so it’s absolutely clear what you’re talking about.
 * 42) ** You don’t need to repeat that Dular is a Jedi.
 * 43) ** “was confronted by and dueled” - awkward wording.
 * 44) ** “Drewton, Daklif Ordo, and a” - this is the first time you mention Ordo. Who is he and why wasn’t he mentioned along with the other people onboard the ship?
 * 45) ** Can you say why Sidious was confident enough was achieved or, for that matter, WHAT was achieved? From this introduction, I can’t really see anything big that Sidious would be pleased about.
 * 46) ***Sidious doesn't actually know how anything went at the time he said that in the chapter. It's slightly implied that he could sense some of it through the Force, but I can't really say that because that's speculation. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) * Prelude:
 * 48) ** The whole first paragraph seems to lack context. You begin the “Although the Jedi Knight...” sentence without really giving context on the accusations. It’s as if it’s being assumed we automatically know what’s going on.
 * 49) ** “secretly entered a Republic prison holding Thuvat” - Palpatine was holding Thuvat? Wow, maybe that Palpatease image was true. Basically, what I’m saying is that it should be reworded to something like “prison that was holding”.
 * 50) ** “There, he offered a deal” - give context on who “he” is in that part of the sentence, along with the “he could either stay” part and the “he could be sent to” part. The “freeing him” part also seems to imply that Drewton would be freed.
 * 51) ** I would change “As they traveled” to “As the group traveled” just to give proper context.
 * 52) ** Who was picking up the signal, Drewton or Reeves?
 * 53) ***Err, it's obvious from the sentence: "a clone pilot nicknamed "Reeves" informed Captain Drewton that he was picking up a comlink signal" I doubt Reeves would inform Drewton that Drewton was picking up a signal  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) ** “However, Reeves was still confident that they” - same as the last instance of “however”.
 * 55) ** “that they would already know of Separatist presence” - seems like there’s a word missing.
 * 56) * The incident:
 * 57) ** Who is “they”? Proper context since it’s the beginning of a new section.
 * 58) ** “which attacked it” - attacked what?
 * 59) ** “and send crash-landing” - should be “sent the shuttle crash-landing”.
 * 60) ** I may be wrong, hence why I’m not changing it myself, but I don’t believe there should be a comma between “Although” and “Reeves”.
 * 61) ** “and Commander and dark side Asajj Ventress” - awkward wording, and I believe you mean “dark sider”. Also, what is she a commander of?
 * 62) ** “in search of them” - in search of who? The group or the Separatists?
 * 63) ** What Rodian did he point the knife at? This is the first time you’ve mentioned a Rodian in the article.
 * 64) ** “acting to defend him” - defend who?
 * 65) ** Personal preference, really, but there’s no reason to state Tarisian Drewton’s full name again. You can just say “Lieutenant Drewton”.
 * 66) ** What agreement with the Nockudumey leader?
 * 67) ** Now? As in, right now? As in, a little bit before 10pm EST on 2/7/09? I’ve never found “now” to be proper for something like this, as it implies RIGHT now.
 * 68) ** I’d suggest removing had from “Dular had left the group”.
 * 69) ** Disciple Assaj Ventress? Last time you mentioned her, she was a commander and a dark side(r). Since when did she become a disciple?
 * 70) ** Now she’s a Dark Jedi too? Make up your mind, man.
 * 71) ** “that he would not always be” - who? Dooku? Dular? William Jennings Bryan?
 * 72) ** The sentence about rescuing Dular has some awkward wording. I’d suggest changing it to this: After eliminating the droids, the survivors hijacked the shuttle and rescued Dular from the duel with Ventress before flying away from the moon.
 * 73) * Aftermath:
 * 74) ** The first sentence is worded EXTREMELY awkwardly. I suggest changing it to something like this: After the incident ended, Dooku communicated via hologram with his master Darth Sidious, who was secretly Chancellor Palpatine. While they talked, Ventress interrupted in order to report on the incident.
 * 75) ** There’s that pesky “now” again.
 * 76) ** First sentence of the second paragraph seems to be a run on.
 * 77) ** The second paragraph is only two sentences long, so it should be combined with the previous paragraph. It doesn’t matter that the section would only be one paragraph.
 * 78) * Legacy:
 * 79) ** I know this section doesn’t exist in the article, but is there any sort of legacy information you can give us that can be sourced? If not, no worries.
 * 80) ***Chapter 22 is the latest chapter in the series, so there's no information I can use yet. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 16:00, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) * Behind the scenes:
 * 82) ** What’s Star Wars: Chronicles of a Rebellion? A novel? A comic? A game? A movie? Context.
 * 83) ** What’s Turnabout?
 * 84) ** “It was filmed” - what was filmed? And, for that matter, what’s the relevance of it being filmed in a cottage?
 * 85) ** Are there any sources for the first two paragraphs?
 * 86) ***Unfortunately, not right now, but there will be when I (hopefully) have production notes up. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) ** What’s Acceptance? Context.
 * 88) * General:
 * 89) ** This was a pretty good read. Fix up these things and you’ll have my vote. I enjoyed this and the chapter itself. The homage to Dead Man's Chest was great, and your photos are very impressive as always. - Brandon Rhea  (talk) (contribs) 02:40, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ***All have been addressed except those replied to. Thanks, glad you enjoyed them. :) Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) **I disagree with your reasoning on the "he picked up a signal one", as it may be obvious to you but not obvious to 100% of readers, but I've crossed it out just to speed this up. I still hope that you would change it, though. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 06:06, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) **I disagree with your reasoning on the "he picked up a signal one", as it may be obvious to you but not obvious to 100% of readers, but I've crossed it out just to speed this up. I still hope that you would change it, though. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 06:06, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * 1) As always, waiting for any objections before voting. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:30, 6 February 2009 (UTC)