Star Wars Fanon:Featured articles/Nominations

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Nomination
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If an article is voted in by the community and the Council of Seers, it will be added to the list of featured articles, the upcoming article queue, and to the history of featured articles.

Approve

 * 1)  Darth Wylind ( Talk ) 17:10, 1 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the Hitleresque Desk of Unit 8311:
 * 2) *'and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen'...to 'what was considered to be one of the most powerful'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I consider the art scuplture thing to be somewhat eyebrow-raising, as I can only imagine someone with extreme emotional problems running away from home because they messed up an art piece. However, I'll let it pass.
 * 2) *'Cos had average aim'...add 'compared to the other soldiers', just to be safe
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'ministers took in turning the Republic into a reich of sorts.'...I'm not sure if reich is a good word, as I doubt the German language exists in SW. 'fascist dictatorship' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos ruled the galaxy ruthlessly'...to 'was considered a ruthless leader'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Another three years passed, when Imperial intelligence informed Cos that the Rebellion had relocated to a planet in the Outer Rim.'...change 'when' to 'then'. Looks better gramatically.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Though, Jerjerrod was no Tarkin, and the station was not being completed on schedule'...'Jerjerrod was not considered as effecient as Tarkin' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'However, Cos' plan failed' add an extra 's' after Cos'
 * 2) *'Darth Vader was growing angry with Cos's poor military leadership of the Galactic Civil War'...'with what he considered to be Cos's poor military leadership'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos's cruelty and evil was known by nearly all after his death', whoah, big POV here. Rewrite this sentence.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Talents' section has some POV that you should easily spot and change. I can highlight it all for you if that's not the case, though.
 * Please highlight them.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the end, though I'm not fond of rewritten canon characters, I can see this article being an FA. The above stuff I listed shouldn't be too difficult to sort. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:20, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) From the politically re-imagined Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea
 * 3) *I first want to mention that I made these objections nearly two months ago before the first nomination was rejected. They should have been taken care of before you nominated this again. But because they were not, here they are again.
 * 4) *Throughout the article, you repeat “Cos” over and over when saying things that Cos has done. I would suggest you find other words than “Cos” to say this, because although this is meant to be encyclopedic prose it could still read a little better in this regard.
 * On the topic of prose, I’ve removed a lot of the colorful prose that is best saved for a narrative piece rather than an encyclopedic article. I’ve also removed all instances of POV that I found when reading.
 * 1) *I’m not quite sure what I think about the surrender of the Mandalorians. Mandalorians will typically fight until the last man or until it’s clear that they absolutely cannot win. I don’t see how the loss of their capital world would do that based on the information you’ve given. It just doesn’t seem very honorable. I know this is an alternate take on the Star Wars film era, but you haven’t established that the Mandalorians in your fanon are any different than those in canon.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I have a hard time believing that everyone in the court would just rally around Cos’s speech, including the judges. There’s always people who will disagree. However, I was glad that even with this he was still sentenced to prison.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *On the note of prison, nine months is a bit too early for parole on a five year sentence, don’t you think? It’s generally longer than that, I believe, especially if the crime is treason and conspiracy.
 * The six judges gave him a parole of nine months, believing in his ideals. They were the first of many government officials for Cos to sway into his cloud of lies.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I have a big problem with the part where he becomes Senator of Corell, and it’s mostly due to a startling lack of detail. First, why was he given parole? As for the election, why did the people vote in favor of him? How did he run his campaign? What was the competition like in the primaries? Who was his opponent? What was he/she like to run against? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? As for his inauguration, the Governor didn’t do anything to try to prevent Cos from being elected and then inaugurated? The Governor didn’t make a public spectacle about how Cos shouldn’t be inaugurated? I don’t know about you, but I’d have a hard time inaugurating someone who tried to kill me.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the first paragraph of the Clone Wars section alone, there is a total lack of context and detail in terms of major events. What was the Mandalorian threat? What type of intelligence did they receive to suggest that the Mandalorians were a threat to them again? Why did Cos vote to go to war? What evidence did he have to suggest that there should be a war against the Mandalorians? What type of measures did the Senate take to build up an army? Where did this clone army come from? Finally, after answering all of this, why did the Senate finally agree to declare war?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Once again, there is a total lack of detail in terms of the election, this time for Supreme Chancellor. First, who was the sitting Supreme Chancellor? How did he run his campaign? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? What was the focus of his two opponents? There needs to be a lot more detail here.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *You say that Cos pleaded for “more” emergency powers? When did he receive emergency powers in the first place? Remember, emergency powers are not inherent in the position of a government executive like this, so you need to address how he first got them.
 * Sorry, that was a typo. Fixed.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *After spending so much time stating how Cos was always so big on ensuring the best things possible for the Republic, I’m concerned with the lack of detail on why he would prolong the war and why he wanted more emergency powers.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *You ended one sentence saying that many more Republic worlds were captured, but began the next one by saying that it appeared the Republic would win without explaining the turn of events. I don’t see how you can jump a year and a half between two sentences. Surely important things must have happened then?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Get rid of the "Styles of Address" section. It's totally irrelevant.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 23:02, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *More will come later. As it stands, while I’m intrigued by the storyline, this is nowhere near Featured article quality. There are too many points of detail lacking throughout the article, as evident above, and I just don’t think it’s very well written. The prose is very shaky and unengaging. It’s hard to explain, but I think you need to steer clear of some of the parts that are more suited for a narrative and just make the prose a bit more compelling. I mentioned the thing above about how you should find another way to refer to Cos than just “Cos”, but also the sentence structure and grammar also needs a lot of improvement. This may need a total rewrite, though I haven’t finished it yet so it may not need a total one. We’ll see how the rest is once you get to these. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:27, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) As requested below.
 * 3) *Infobox No need to state his political party in the infobox, although this is purely choice, so do as you wish on that.
 * 4) *Introduction
 * 5) **"was the last Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic" You don't link to the Galactic Republic here, although you do to the Galactic Empire right after. For flow, please link to both.
 * 6) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) **"with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve" Commas around 'such as Governor Tarkin' and who is he? Context, link perhaps.
 * 8) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) **" The unaware senators did not realize they just gave Palpatine not only emergency powers, but they gave up their democracy." Very flowerly and unnecessary, could be worded much better without the bad grammar, POV and in past tense, not present tense.
 * 10) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **"a form of government not seen since the time of Judah Zaren," Who? Context.
 * 12) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) **You constantly go back and forth between referring to him as 'Cos' or 'Palpatine'; stick with one or the other please, suggestively Palpatine.
 * 14) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) **"founded the Alliance of Free Planets" Link perhaps? A tiny bit of context.
 * 16) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) **"The Galactic Civil War would last for many years" Link perhaps, and this is why you need context on the above opposition. This just comes out of nowhere.
 * 18) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) **"on Terra when defeat was inevitable." No link to Terra, and that last bit is POV. Put that he believed it was inevitable or something.
 * 20) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) **You end the intro with "However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire." Okay, so what's the point of that? Go further, perhaps into why not, how long it lasted, his legacy. Doesn't have to be long or anything, but that feels very awkward, unfinished. Give me some closure, man.
 * 22) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) *I will review more section-by-section later, but some things right off the bat: Image:Threatofskywalker.jpg needs proper formatting and linking to its source; "Legacy" header needs to be level 3 (part of biography), not level 2; Talents needs to be renamed to 'Talents and abilities', or, if he was a Force-user (which I don't believe so) it instead needs to be 'Powers and abilities'; No links to any of his appearances?; Lastly, fix up and cut down on the categories. Not necessary to have twenty categories. Remove the doubled up ones, which means those that all lead back to the same category. For example, you have "Imperial officers", "Imperial individuals", and "Imperials". Only one you need of those three is the first. Then, if you like alphabetize them, but please clean them up. More review once these objections are taken care of. If the article is anything like the intro, I suspect lots of missing context, links, and lots of POV. :\ --Victortalk 07:45, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 24) **Vic, if you read the MOS, Legacy is a Level 2 header, not a Level 3 header. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 13:11, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) ***Ah, well that should be amended methinks. It actually belongs in the biography. --Victortalk 05:29, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) ****I personally don't think it needs to be, but who says it needs to be amended? - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 05:44, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 27) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 28) *Introduction
 * 29) **Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin [...] Awkward wording. Should be Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with ministers such as Governor Tarkin [...]
 * 30) **Palpatine was able to establish his Empire by conspiring with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve more emergency powers usually reserved for the Senate to better execute a campaign against the Mandalorian Clans during the Clone Wars. Run-on.
 * 31) **Palpatine based his desires for emergency powers on the principles of not abusing them and relinquishing them at the end of the war back to the Senate. Awkward. He desired them because he promised not to abuse them? He desired them because he was giving them back at the end of the war?
 * 32) **[...] and relinquishing them at the end of the war back to the Senate. Awkward. The war was behind the Senate?
 * 33) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people [...] Awkward. The use of 'its people' is awkward and somewhat vague. Something utilizing the word 'citizens' would do better.
 * 34) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people, and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen. Fragment. The use of ", and" roughly equals a period. As such, that makes "Was able to create one of the most powerful military forces [...]" to be a sentence, which it is not.
 * 35) **With the Empire controlling much of the galaxy, Palpatine effectively had total control over its people, and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen. Coherence. What does the clause at the beginning to do with the phrase at the end?
 * 36) **For thirty five years, Palpatine's rule would go relatively unopposed [...] Logic. Not really a real 'oppose,' but that makes no sense. No new government goes unopposed. In fact, no old government goes unopposed.
 * 37) **For thirty five years, Palpatine's rule would go relatively unopposed, until disgruntled former senators founded the Alliance of Free Planets [...] Comma splice. Remove the comma between "unopposed" and "until."
 * 38) **[...] an organization that was the base for a rebellion against the Empire. Wording. Odd use of the word "base."
 * 39) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years [...] Reference. What the GCW is and how it pertains to the previous sentence is not explained.
 * 40) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years, but in 4 ABY, he killed himself during a Rebel assault on Terra [...] Pronoun reference. "He" who? The Godfather?
 * 41) **The Galactic Civil War would last for many years, but in 4 ABY, he killed himself during a Rebel assault [...] Reference. Who are the Rebels? The Southern States?
 * 42) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Wording. Said as if the mysterious "he" died to end the Empire.
 * 43) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Wording. Though not exactly wrong, it is more proper to place the lone phrase "however" in the midst of a sentence instead of the beginning.
 * 44) **However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire. Redundancy. The phrase "the Empire" is used over and over. Refer to "the Empire" in more than just one way. After all, it's official name is the Galactic Empire.
 * 45) **Darth Vader gained control [...] Reference. Who's Darth Vader? A puppy?
 * 46) **[...] and had the remaining Imperials regroup [...] Reference. What's an Imperial? A system of weights and measures?
 * 47) ***That's the intro. How wonderful. As well, as I have said before, the article, covering the subject matter that it does, is short and rather...boring. I believe it is because so many villains are based off Hitler. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:31, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) Not up to par yet. Per above. --  Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:26, 1 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Alright, I am ready for this to be critiqued for Featured Article status.  Wing   msg 14:32, 25 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Done with Unit's, will do Bac's complaints soon.  Wing   msg 15:09, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

Fixed all of Bac's complaints.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * I'll take a look at your corrections tomorrow. On another note, if you're going to put "done" or whatever underneath every objection, please properly format the indentation of your comments. I shouldn't have to do that for you. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 02:28, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

Oops, sorry.  Wing   msg 02:35, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Fixed some more tweaks yesterday.  Wing   msg 22:12, 4 November 2008 (UTC)

Can I get some more feedback, please?  Wing   msg 17:23, 16 November 2008 (UTC)


 * Alright, will work on Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 00:49, 10 December 2008 (UTC)

Finished Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 17:49, 14 December 2008 (UTC)


 * I had to change some stuff, deleted Judah Zaren and Galactic Socialist Party stuff. Any errors I missed, please post them. Thanks.  Wing   msg 19:50, 26 December 2008 (UTC)

More feedback please? -- Wing   msg 16:48, 31 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Vic left some complaints on the talk page, and I will get to them later today. Sorry, for the wait.  Wing   msg 11:28, 14 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the review Solus.  Wing   msg 19:50, 18 January 2009 (UTC)


 * I'm giving this article a proper review now. It should be done by tomorrow (I'm going to post it all at once). - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 07:22, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) Good job with this.  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:12, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) I agree.  Darth Wylind ( Talk ) 17:11, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Good read.-- Nightmare 975  06:00, 7 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the unleashed desk of Drewton:
 * 2) * It's better to use quotation marks rather than the ' symbols for quotes in prose.
 * 3) *"The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs." "And" is used twice here.
 * 4) *The image spreading/layout isn't great. You have a lot of images in one spot and then none at all in another. Images could also be slightly larger.
 * 5) *"Although Askar had no interest in the planet of Tahu itself, he didn't" Contractions are unencyclopedic.
 * 6) *"The Necasians, originally being two days march" Add "a" before "two days march".
 * 7) *"The Necasians were the first ones to reach the city, despite the setbacks they'd received" Another contraction.
 * 8) *"Realise" is spelled "realize".
 * 9) *"and such an epidemic wouldn't be seen on Tahu again until" Another contraction. Destroy it.
 * Overall, it's well written, with only a few minor mistakes. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 17:47, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:04, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) * "With the base in ruins, both sides felt they had dealt a heavy blow to the Death's Tongue Militia. (which they had not)." Looks unprofessional; the words in parantheses should be moved into the main sentence. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:08, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Review…
 * 4) *In the infobox, I recommend/suggest sorting the commanders (from the Commanders section) by surname. As for the outcome, why is it indecisive? I think stalemate is more appropriate; indecisive just means no 'historians' (that's us) can decide who won, rather than just stating it was a stalemate (a tie, no true winners or losers, but equal in gain and loss, basically overall). Well anyway, the rest of the infobox looks good, rather impressive. The former two are simple suggestions or complaints, whatever you wish to call them, but I stand strongly by them.
 * 5) *From the introduction
 * 6) **"attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation and spread terror amongst their civilian populations as a result" Rewrite this, as the lack of comma use may confuse a reader, to "attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation, spreading terror amongst their civilian populations as a result"
 * 7) **"tricking both other factions into attacking a decoy base on Tahu which they would disguise as a major base" Two things; first, explain how they tricked the other two factions, and second, instead of saying "which they would disguise as a major base", to keep the flow, change it to "which they disguised as a major base". That keeps it all in past tense.
 * 8) **"and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them" Okay, 'instead' of what? Doesn't sound like instead of anything, so just take it out.
 * 9) **Sentence beginning with "Arriving at the planet" is a run on, please cut it into two, preferably after "by said militants" (that is a good enough sentence there). Too much to swallow at once.
 * 10) *More later. --Victortalk 01:55, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. And I still stand by indecesive because it can be debated which side really won, and none of them really achieved much, so I feel indecesive is the best term. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:56, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Then change it to something like "Indecisive, as noted by galactic historians" and then make sure that the article addresses why historians believe it was indecisive (such as in the Legacy section or something). Without proper clarification like that, it looks like author POV. - Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 20:22, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:52, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Meh, I personally don't care if you leave it as just indecisive if you're set on that. Adding 'considered' or something just gives more redundancy, but again on that, it's your call. Anyway, more review…
 * 2) *Prelude
 * 3) **Can you please properly format and source (meaning writing out website name, image taker, edits done to image, full links to who/what is in image, etc.) the image Hoodmil.jpg please? That'd be proper and rightfully crediting whoever made that original image. Also, try cropping that black line border around the image, please, so it doesn't look funny in the thumbnail. Lastly, that image caption on the image needs a period at the end.
 * 4) **Please split that first large paragraph into two. It's rather chunky and bulking up the already limited space there. A good place to break it into two would be at the sentence starting "Concurrently, Askar Invado, …"; In fact though, it might be good to break it into three paragraphs, with the third one beginning with " Although Askar had no interest…"
 * 5) **"support for itself by distributing food and aid (which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds)" Instead of parenthesis, use commas please.
 * 6) **"an assault on said base after gaining intelligence on it" I know this is preference, but I really hate 'said base' or 'said character'. Instead, it's simpler and easier for readers if you put 'an assault on the major base after…'
 * 7) **"could arise and removing a base on Tahu." Never use italics, bolding, or any sort of markup within an article. Remove that italics.
 * 8) **"were also ones deemed incompetent or untrustworthy." By who? Otherwise, borderline POV.
 * 9) **"the Srav Federation were also taking an" Srav Federation is singular, so 'were' to 'was'
 * 10) **"thinking they'd only be" No contraction please.
 * 11) **"to depart for Tahu with too little men" 'little' could work better as 'few', although that is borderline POV. Who says it is too little? Instead, say 'too few men to face two factions at once' or something to clear that up.
 * 12) **"the Militia had no idea, at this time," 'this' to 'that', past tense. Also, the part beginning with "the Death's Tongue force was believed…" needs to be a new sentence altogether, and needs a bit of clearer wording to get the message (that they never knew what was coming) clearer, please.
 * 13) *More later. Also I'm unsure who wrote this article, it seems Tom did because of the British English grammar/spelling; I am worried that if Unit edited/wrote this too, we may jump from British to American English, and so I ask that you keep consistency in mind when writing such articles. Unless you're both using British English, of course, but I haven't checked. All I know was that the 'Prelude' was in British English. Anyway, again, more later. --Victortalk 06:59, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) **Done. And just to clarify, we both did roughly half of the article each. I think I put it through an American spellcheck, but I may have missed stuff. Also, for the image, said state does not actually state who took the image. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  15:38, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) *OK. Can you still fix (crop) the image though anyway? And even if there is no name for the artist, still give the name of the website in the link to the source url. More actual review later. --Victortalk 07:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 17) * Images
 * 18) **The images are not evenly distributed. There are three really close to each other in one part, and none for sections afterwards.
 * 19) *Introduction
 * 20) **The Battle of Tahu was a fairly large battle of the Cruentusian War. Wording. Does 'large' mean lots of people were involved in it, or that it was very important? Please clarify.
 * 21) **The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs. Coordination. When there are three or more things, all except the last item in the series needs a conjunction after the comma.
 * 22) **[...] the Sravs and Necasians came under heavy fire from Death's Tongue militants, rioting natives, and biological weapons [...] Clarification. I do believe that 'biological weapons' could use a 'the' in front of it.
 * 23) **For the duration of the battle went into an unofficial ceasefire [...] Wording. Um...what?
 * 24) *Prelude
 * 25) **the Necasian Military began to take notice of what they had previously thought of as an insignificant faction, despite such raids as they had performed on Carrivar and Gresevokrad. Reference. 'They' who? The Power Rangers?
 * 26) **Meanwhile, the Death's Tongue Militia had set up shop on the arid world of Tahu [...] Informal. 'Set up shop' is informal.
 * 27) **Meanwhile, the Death's Tongue Militia had set up shop on the arid world of Tahu, which had fallen on hard times lately due to an influx of refugees. Reference. The word 'which' could refer to the militia, the base on Tahu, the planet, or James Kirk.
 * 28) **[...] the Death's Tongue Militia roused support for itself by distributing food and aid, which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds and apparently began work on a major base in the planet's desert. Coherence. That last phrase had nothing to do with the first. Another sentence seems to be in order.
 * 29) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Logic. Earlier you stated that Tahu was near Necasian territory. Now it is in the territory. It has hyperdrive!
 * 30) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Wording. The last phrase is rather awkward.
 * 31) **However, the Srav Federation was also taking an interest in the planet of Tahu, wanting to occupy such a planet in Necasian territory [...] Wording. Though it is not wrong, it is more correct to have the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
 * 32) **The Sravs, however, had no idea that the Necasians also were launching assaults [...] Phrasing. 'Also' and 'were' could do with some switching.
 * 33) **[...] and pushed not as many troops into the battle as they could have done [...] Redundant. 'Done' is unnecessary and should be removed.
 * 34) **[...] the Necasians had thought the same as the Sravs; that the assault would be easy. Fragment. A semicolon roughly equates a period. Therefore, that makes "That the assault would be easy" to be a sentence, which it is not. Change to colon.
 * 35) ***That's the first two sections. I must say, this article has remarkably few errors and it promises to be interesting. Well done. I'll get to the rest later. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  21:14, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) *Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:36, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) From the screen of the Solusinator-2000
 * 38) *Arrival
 * 39) **[...] Srav's [...] Apostraphe use. I see sprinkled throughout this article the use of 'Srav's' as a plural noun. It is not. 'Srav's' is a possessive &mdash;an adjective. It should be 'Sravs.'
 * 40) **[...] soon became bogged down in quicksand areas [...] Logic. Tahu is a desert planet. Quicksand requires salt water and is wet, so unless the marsh is near Tahu's one sea, this is unlikely. Dry quicksand, however, is found in deserts. Yes, there is a difference, and for those weirdo science people the benefit of precise wording is nice.
 * 41) **[...] soon became bogged down in quicksand areas [...] Exactness. Is 'quicksand areas' the most vivid noun you could think of? If the place is large and well-known to the inhabitants, name the place something, maybe, and describe it. Adds flavor. Place-Where-People-Sink-And-Die or something. That way it's not 'quicksand area,' like the name of a 2D Sonic level.
 * 42) **[...] the heavy Krako Warrior Traversers vehicles being caught in the sand by some way [...] Wording. 'By some way' could be more precisely worded.
 * 43) **[...] there was little more than half a day between the two factions arriving at the city, leaving a confrontation being the key idea of the leader's of each faction. Wording. Awkward wording. Read it through a few times if you don't think so.
 * 44) *Siege
 * 45) **[...] despite the setbacks they had received earlier on with their machinery and weapons. Wordiness. 'On' is wordy and makes the sentence awkward
 * 46) **[...] they didn't spend their time preparing for the Srav arrival [...] Wording. Either 'a Srav arrival' or 'the Srav's arrival.' It is awkward as is.
 * 47) **[...]where they were suspected to have been, based upon the false information. Wording. The last phrase is awkward. So, the militia had a base on some place called False Information?
 * 48) **After just a few hours after the Necasian arrival [...] Wordiness. I think you can see what I'm talking about. 'After just' is redundant.
 * 49) **After just a few hours after the Necasian arrival the Sravs soon arrived [...] Wordiness. Whoa. You have three words that denote time - the same time I might add. Two 'afters' and a 'soon.' Just one of those words will suffice.
 * 50) **[...] but, with prior warning of the Necasians [...] Wording. So the Sravs were hanging out with a prior warning? Change to 'having' or something similar.
 * 51) **[...] but, with prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city [...] Fragment. The use of a comma and coordinating conjunction equates a period. That makes 'With prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city' to be a sentence. You may notice that it is not. Please fix.
 * 52) **[...] with prior warning of the Necasians, set up weapons outside the city, missile launchers being used to trap the Necasians inside. Wording. That last phrase is awkward. It might sound better if 'missile launchers being used' was changed to a gerund phrase used as the subject of the infinitive. That means change it to 'using missile launchers.'
 * 53) **[...] still unaware of the Srav's outside [...] Wording. Outside what? As well, a word other than 'outside' would be beneficial.
 * 54) **[...] still unaware of the Srav's outside due to a failure in security [...] Logic. It would take a liiiiiiiittle bit more than a breach of security not to notice 1200 Infantrymen, 200 Hammer Division troops, 190 Drakuv-class assault tanks, 90 Kurtev-class heavy assault tanks, 200 Molot-class anti-infantry platforms, 40 Okol-class mobile missile launchers, 60 Drapeznik-class assault gunships, and 50 Yukel-class assault fighters. A little peek over one's shoulder might be enough to, I dunno, "establish visual contact" as one might say.
 * 55) **The Necasians, still unaware of the Srav's outside due to a failure in security, continued their searches, until Srav missiles hit the outskirts of the city and various structures within, killing many people before the Necasians could react, and return fire with the tanks they'd brought into the city with them, holding the Srav's predominantly away from the city until only the few stray missiles fired sporadically managed to pierce Necasian ranks and destroy a structure within the city. Run-on. All that is one sentence.
 * 56) **The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours, originally planned to merely starve them out of the city [...] Wordiness. Blockading is part of siege warfare. Starving a city's inhabitants falls into that category. This is a military article, please call it something like that.
 * 57) **The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours, originally planned to merely starve them out of the city [...] Logic. This assumes that, I dunno, the Sravs could outlast the Necasians. Who have access to a city full of food. The Sravs just have the rations they came with. Whoever is in charge of the Srav's logistics is napping.
 * 58) **[...] allowed the Srav's to breach the Necaisan defense in three points, and access the city [...] Comma usage. Remove the comma before 'and.'
 * 59) **[...] the battle now was fought in close combat on the streets, the use of artillery being removed by the close proximity of each of the faction's forces. Wording. That last phrase is awkward.
 * 60) ***That is part 2. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:21, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) *Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:32, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) **No it isn't. Go through all of my objections one by one. Especially the one about 'Srav's.' - Solus (Bird of Prey)  14:26, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ***It is now. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:41, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) Just as a note, I have not read over the above objections, because, as we say in Mexico, no me importan.
 * 66) *Introduction
 * 67) **and "take some of the heat off [its] back" – Why is that in quotes? Seriously? There is no real source, so that's obviously made up, and completely unnecessary, particularly because there is no source where its comes from. Obviously this is just a ploy to "get some heat off [your] backs" by running around POV rules. Reword, remove the fake quote. Just write it in proper grammar, like "and relieve themselves of recent losses" or something that applies. Anything but the prosey flop.
 * 68) **By the way, the second sentence is a massive run-on. Slice and dice it. Really.
 * 69) **Death's Tongue militants, rioting natives, and biological weapons laid by said militants. – Don't say 'said militants'. Just say 'by the militants'. Otherwise, this reads sloppy.
 * 70) **For the duration of the battle went the Necasians and Sravs went into an unofficial ceasefire – Read that and tell me if it makes sense; it shouldn't, so reword it to make sense.
 * 71) **due to their treatment of the native populace. – Whose treatment of the populace? The Sravs? Necasians? Death's Tongue? Isn't really clear.
 * 72) *Prelude
 * 73) **we decieve these – Spelling. That's from prelude's quote.
 * 74) **Your image caption lacks a period.
 * ", a move considered very audacious and risky by many in the galaxy, – Why? Isn't that what war is? Isn't that what the Necs and the Sravs are doing as well? Why is this any necessary? I would say remove that as that only makes your sentence needlessly longer and has absolutely no point there. All they did was attack them both. Big deal - like I said, the others have been doing the same throughout the whole war (as that is what war is about, no?)
 * 1) **"despite such raids that said faction had performed on Carrivar and Gresevokrad." – "said faction" is unnecessary; just say 'the faction'.
 * 2) **"on said base after gaining intelligence on it" – again, just say 'the base' instead of 'said base'. That's sloppy.
 * 3) **"a planet so near to Necasian territory." – so near? I believe the proper way to say this would be 'so close to' or 'in close proximity' (removing 'so near' completely)
 * 4) **"in order to ease the pressure on them" – This is what could go in the introduction instead of that ridiculous 'quote'.
 * 5) **Okay, not really a complaint, but either stick to American English or British English, don't skip around using both. "Unbeknownst" should either be "Unbeknown" and "whilst" should be "while", or, all should be in British English. I think even Tom once told some user that 'American English is our official language omg', so per that.
 * 6) **What are "Necasian SpecOps"? No links, no context, nothing. I mean, it's almost a clear cut obvious answer, but you still need to give context.
 * 7) **"the same as the Sravs: that the assault would be easy." Replace that colon with a comma.
 * 8) **"small amount of men" Bias, as in the Human species; since we all know Humans aren't the only species in the galaxy for sure in Star Wars (unless your Alternative Project Cruentus Saga deems otherwise) then it should be something like 'soldiers' or 'troopers' or something instead of 'men.'
 * 9) **"As a result, the Death's Tongue force was believed to not have known about what was considered an 'impending doom' moving down upon them. " That sentence is redundant, you just said that in the previous one. Combine this one with that one; I just see this as sticking in some last minute POV for lulz. No but seriously, combine it, otherwise I'm reading the same thing twice in a row.
 * 10) *Arrival
 * 11) **"not aware of one another," They can find out about some base of the DTM on a rather insignificant planet, yet they can't see or detect one another and their fleets? Really? I mean, I'm sure Cruentus era isn't that backed up in technology (if there's a Star Forge years before them, I'm sure there's look-there's-an-enemy-radar stuff)
 * 12) **Again, btw, that above sentence is a major run on. Try cutting stuff out or rewording and splitting up.
 * 13) **"methods so as to shield the " 'So as to' is very wordy, needless. Just put 'to'. That's all.
 * 14) **"The Sravs, thinking that the Necasians must have discovered the whereabouts of the Death's Tongue presence in the city, and so moved their" Reword this. Read it and you'll see it needs to be.
 * 15) **"moving forwards to pave the way" Forwards? I guess that's a word, but I think 'forward' alone is fine.
 * 16) **"The Srav's, by contrast, were trekking" Remove that apostrophe from Sravs.
 * 17) **Basically, this whole article so far has been a poor read, pretty nagging to read through. The grammar is just very sloppy, choppy. A lot of rewording could go into this. I simply don't see this as featured quality whatsoever yet, not even close.
 * 18) *Siege
 * 19) **If I missed any earlier, sorry, but I meant to say do not use contractions (don't use don't, instead say 'do not'). It is uncyclopedic. :P
 * 20) **"after the Necasian arrival Srav forward units soon showed up outside the city" You already said ' a few hours after'; saying 'soon' is unnecessary/redundant
 * 21) **Last sentence a huge run on, barely made sense of it. I saw another contraction in there as well. Clean it up, split it up please.
 * 22) **"with a loss of men" Again with that bias thing I mentioned above. Say 'loss of soldiers' or something similar. Units, troopers, whatever. But not men.
 * 23) **"The Srav's, holding them inside the city for a few more hours" Again with the incorrect apostrophe. Remove it. Plural =/= apostrophe. This probably occurred various times through the article (I see another one in this sentence) so please look through it to fix it.
 * 24) **"Eventually, the actions of a Necasian traitor " What actions? Intel? Tools? PWNAGE weaponry? Maps? Give context. Otherwise this is like a deus ex to get the Sravs inside the city for no good reason really. And why would he betray? For fun? For lollerskates?
 * 25) **"of each of the faction's forces. " Should be 'factions' forces' as we're talking about two factions here.
 * 26) *Okay, I'm done for now. –<font color="#c00">Victor  [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|15px]] ( talk page ) 07:17, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Awaiting any objections. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:45, 9 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Started reviewing this. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:23, 24 November 2008 (UTC)

Oppose

 * 1) From the united Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 2) *Just as an introductory note, I certainly hope that the quality of the articles has reviewed since you initially wrote the Battle of Kothlis, or this is going to be another disappointment. I don’t like being disappointed.
 * From the infobox:
 * 1) *In the outcome segment, I think you can be a little more specific and grammatically correct rather than just saying “Lost Ones defeat”.
 * 2) *I may be wrong, but doesn’t a four-way battle indicate that there were four sides that were all fighting each other in a massive one vs. one vs. one vs. one battle? I thought this battle was everyone against the Lost Ones? If so, I think it make more sense to change this to a two-way battle infobox and include all of the non-Lost Ones information under one side to indicate that those three were fighting together AGAINST the Lost Ones.
 * 3) *Given the imaginations of the people involved with Project Cruentus, I think that you can come up with better “strength” and “casualty” statistics than what you have there. My advice? Ask MPK for assistance in generating appropriate numbers of forces and casualties.
 * From the introduction:
 * 1) *“was a battle of the Cruentusian War” - there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but I just feel that it reads awkwardly. I’d write it as “was a battle during the Cruentusian War” or “was a battle that took place during the Cruentusian War”.
 * 2) *When you say “elite Rakata commando group” in reference to the Lost Ones, are you using that as an official description (as if to say, “the Navy Seals are an elite force within the United States Navy”), or is that just an adjective? This isn’t an objection unless it’s the latter, in which case it’s borderline POV. If it’s the former, then disregard this. The same goes for further down where it says “elite Necasian squad”.
 * 3) *Should it be “Rakata commando group” or “Rakatan commando group”? I’d assume the latter, but given that you’re writing in this time period then you might know more than me.
 * 4) *“Necasian hero” is borderline POV, although I see what you mean to say by it. I’d suggest saying “led by Haveer Jarn, who was hailed as a hero by the Necasians”. The same goes for “the Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings” a little further down.
 * 5) *“and both had to reluctantly work with each other” - I would personally say “work with one another”, but it’s up to you. That’s just my preference.
 * 6) *“violent duel” - while I’m sure the duel was violent, that’s pretty much POV. I think just saying a duel would suffice.
 * 7) *“with the combined efforts of the two commando groups” - what about the Zayre? You mention them once in regards to the duel, but then they’re not acknowledged again.
 * 8) *“and the Lost Ones were forced to flee” - it’s never really a good idea to use the word “forced” for something like this, because it implies that they had no other options (which, technically, isn’t true because they could have stayed and fought until the last man was dead). In an encyclopedic article, it shouldn’t be said for certainty that there were no other options, so just saying “and the Lost Ones fled” will suffice. Just as a heads up, to avoid awkward reading, the changing of the wording in the “forced” part necessitates a change in wording in the next part. I would say that the whole part of that sentence should say “and the Lost Ones fled, their temple on the planet having been razed by a Srav nuclear strike”.
 * 9) *Just in the interest of easy reading for everyone, I would suggest changing “razed” to destroyed. Of course I know what that means but, again, not everyone necessarily knows that sort of thing.
 * 10) *More to come later. The overview of the battle in the introduction intrigues me, so if there is an extensive review then hopefully there's a great story to go along with it. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:24, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. Also, it is my personal preference not to have exact figures in infoboxes, but I'll see what I can do. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:02, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 13) *Eliminating the outpost
 * 14) **However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Informal. 'Taken out' is informal.
 * 15) **However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Wording. Though it is not incorrect, it is considered more correct to place the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
 * 16) **Even as the Greyfox transport was changing course for Ahara, a Srav Federation transport passing by the system boundry also picked up the signal. Conicidentally, Srav heroine Nataska Vergulva and a group of Hammer Division special troops were aboard, heading to reinforce Srav outer holdings. Logic. This is a very difficult situation to pull off, having both heroes passing by the same small system at sublight speed. Though this isn't a 'true' objection, all I ask is that you come up with some other, more plausible way to set up this battle.
 * 17) **[...] taken out [...] Informal. This phrase is used far too much. It is very informal. I will not address any more single instances of it.
 * 18) *Taken by surprise
 * 19) **Suddenly, his motion sensor started to beep rapidly. Prose. 'Tis prosey.
 * 20) **Then, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, killing one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades. Prose. More prosey-ness, by George!
 * 21) **Repelling the nearest droids with a combination of explosive bullets and grenades, the squad members reported that they had insufficient numbers and ammunition to repel the droids in the immediate area alone. Redundant. The word 'repel' is used twice in this small section, A synonym for one of them is in order.
 * 22) **It was then that Jarn noticed a ship that was familiar to him fly overhead, peppered with fire from below. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Though I can assume what you are talking about, we must assume that there are people who will not.
 * 23) **As Jarn was on the verge of losing hope, he suddenly found himself literally bumping into a figure he recognized instantly. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Per above complaint.
 * 24) *Surrounded
 * 25) **The nuclear-tipped rocket propelled grenades [...] Hyphenation. 'Rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
 * 26) **However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wordy. 'On' is unnecessary.
 * 27) **However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wording. Again, though not incorrect, 'however' is more correct in the middle of a sentence.
 * 28) **In any case, he expressed a desire to witness the 'slave scum' crumble. Usage. 'Slave scum' should be "slave scum."
 * 29) **Vergulva informed them that the sheer amount of droids would result in it being shot down. Logic. Because there would be a lot of droids the ship would be shot down? It isn't the number that will get them shot down, it is the number's shooting that will get them shot down.
 * 30) **Vergulva dispatched them quickly with a combination of her sniper rifle and her personalized VLOK-19 combat pistol. Clarity. Is she dispatching them using both her rifle and pistol, or are her rifle and pistol combined into one weapon? Please clarify.
 * 31) ***Overall, not a bad article at all. I rather like it, and look forward to finishing this review. Remarkably few errors, just a few sniggly logic problems is all. Good work. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  03:04, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *Sorted. I will point out that I did not know that 'taken out' was a phrase considered informal. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:49, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) JM76's review:
 * Infobox
 * 1) *The unit count and casualties section is sub par, mainly because it lacks troop count. It is not detailed or comprehensive. I would recommend fixing that.
 * Intro
 * 1) *"...elite Rakata commando group..." Elite is possibly PoV.
 * 2) *"...having obtained the powerful artifact..." Powerful is PoV. And where is the context for the artifact? What does it have to do with the cache of Rakatan droids?
 * 3) *"...which managed to send off a distress call." How did it do this? Did it send it before it was destroyed? On destruction?
 * 4) *"Both an elite Necasian squad..." see above.
 * 5) *"...both had to reluctantly work with each other against the Ratakan droid legions." Why? How did the Rakatan numbers fare in comparison to the other two forces? I can't tell because of your lack of detail in the infobox.
 * Prelude
 * 1) *"Ravyr also believed that it could be also..." Saying 'it could also be' sounds more natural. Just a personal nitpick.
 * 2) *"used to access leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology." Again, how?
 * 3) *"Some of the other Lost Ones expressed doubt over this privately, not willing to cross Ravyr while he had still had access to the Hand of Darkness." Almost non sequitur. Try to connect those two clauses better.
 * 4) *"...droid cadre." This is the third time you've mentioned a cadre. Not really a complaint, but it would be nice if the vocabulary was a bit more varied.
 * 5) *"Already, he was concocting fantasies..." Prosetry.
 * 6) *"Despite this, Ravyr initiated his attack plan immediately." Saying 'despite this' isn't really necessary because Ravyr didn't know about the potential problems with his plan.
 * The battle
 * 1) *"As the personnel manning the base..." Saying something like, 'because' or 'since' would be more natural. Again, nitpick.
 * 2) *"...could not identify it..." They have the 'most advanced technology' yet they are unable to identify the ship?
 * 3) *"To his horror..." Prosetry.
 * 4) *"...commandos immediately began to systematically slaughter the staff there..." Slaughter is PoV. And prosetry.
 * 5) *"Arriving there, he found, as he expected..." Comma splice.
 * 6) *"Ravyr made a grandiose speech..." Prosetry.
 * 7) *"However, Ravyr had failed to realise that passing through the system was a Necasian SkyBull-class transport vessel, with Haveer Jarn, regarded as a hero by his people, and the elite Necasian squad of veterans known as Greyfox Squad, aboard." This sentence has been repeated twice already.
 * 8) *"...an insignificant outpost..." An insignificant outpost with some of the most advance spy equipment available?
 * 9) *"Nevertheless, the Necasian transport arrived just ahead of the Sravs on the planet." Obviously, the Necasians changed course first.
 * 10) *"...from the outpost remains." I would reword as 'remains of the outpost' or 'outpost's remains'.
 * 11) *"A few seconds later, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, and killed one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades." Prosetry.
 * 12) *"...timid locals..." PoV.
 * 13) *"The transport landed near the village out of sight..." How does it land near the village but out of sight? Context.
 * 14) *"...he literally bumped into Nataska Vergulva, suprising him." No context. How does she get there? This entire section is told from Necasian PoV.
 * 15) *"As the last clips of ammunition were used up, however, and the commandos prepared for the worst, Srav Yukel fighters swooped overhead..." Deus ex machina. Not an official objection, just pointing it out.
 * 16) *"...the settlement was infested with droids, Vergulva simply replied that they would have to be culled from the air." So at first, she objects retreating because there are droids, but then she insists that the only option they have is to repel the droids from the air?
 * 17) *"...inside the lead one..." Sounds unencyclopedic. Consider rewording.
 * 18) *"However, neither side failed to notice..." So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?
 * 19) *"...Storm Ironwings, heroine of the Zayre..." PoV.
 * 20) *"...Ironwings smashed right through the roof of the complex, protected by her armor, surprising Ravyr and his cronies." Armor would not protect you from such a drop. And 'cronies' is PoV and prosetry.
 * 21) *"...his already comparatively potent abilities." PoV.
 * 22) *"...but was shocked when he merely laughed in response." He can shrug off lightning? What type of powers does this artifact have?
 * 23) *"...Ravyr furiously engaged her directly..." PoV and prosetry.
 * 24) *"...still nonetheless dangerous Rakatan henchmen." PoV.
 * 25) *"However, with Ravyr distracted by the duel, the Rakatan droids had fallen in disarray." Does Ravyr have to consciously command the droids? Context.
 * 26) *"...via parachute to avoid being taken out by the anti-air defenses there." An anti-air gun would easily shred a sluggish paratrooper to bits.
 * 27) *"...where Ravyr was finally getting the upper hand with Ironwings." I believe he has always held the upper hand.
 * 28) *"Although his armour and the healing propeties bestowed on him by the Hand made sure that the barrage was not lethal..." Please specify the powers of this artifact. The Star Forge did not prevent someone from dying, as we have seen through Malak.
 * 29) *"...coupled with the renewed vigor..." Context needed. It's prosetry too.
 * 30) *"By now, Ravyr's armor... other Zayre made their escape." Read my comments above about the artifact.
 * 31) *"...told that the droid army had deactivated itself..." Context. Why did they shut down automatically?
 * Aftermath
 * 1) *"...despite their enmity with them..." Prosetry.
 * 2) *"...the Zayre returned to Ankarr immediately after the battle, in order to continue the fortifications..." Comma splice.
 * 3) *"In addition, both factions started moving the pieces from their weapons away..." Context. Whose weapons are we talking about?
 * 4) *"...and had chosen to depart the planet..." Should read, 'to depart from the planet'.
 * 5) *"...where they had fought for control over the planet." Context? Why would they fight over a desert planet? What planets have they fought over before?
 * 6) *"...and so the Necasian Military and Srav Federation followed the suit of the Zayre, and left the planet." You've said this already in the last paragraph.
 * 7) *"...very few were affected by that..." Be specific. What is 'that'? Nuclear bombings are usually messy, btw, they are rarely containable.
 * Legacy
 * 1) *"The Legacy of the battle..." No need for capitalization.
 * 2) *"...due to the fact that both factions felt many of the people under their jurisdiction may panic from the fact that a new faction of Rakatans were at large in the Galaxy." Why would the people freak out? Aren't their militias reliable enough to defend them? Context.
 * 3) *"...both Jarn and Vergulva were commended by their superiors for their conduct." Why? Their teamwork seemed very one-sided - the Srav were the only ones who benefited.
 * Overall, I'd just like to point out that the idea of nuclear-tipped rocket launchers seems absolutely ridiculous. The artifact used in this article seems to grant Mary-Sue style powers in terms of granting temporary immortality to the user. Contractions are a no-no and please stick to either British or American spelling, but not both (e.g., 'armor' vs 'armour'. Finally, commas are abused way to much in this article. They are used over-excessively and the elongated sentences in which they are present could easily be split into multiple sentences or reworded so they don't need all those commas. Cheers, &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 07:11, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. However:
 * 2) ***Nuclear shells--i.e. containing depleted uranium--exist in real life. So nuclear-tipped RPGs are not that ridiculous.
 * 3) ***So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?--as mentioned a few sentences before, it was stealth-equipped.
 * Read that sentence again. By your wording, you're implying that both sides noticed the stealth-equipped vessel. Just wanted to make sure that's what you're implying. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 18:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) *Other than that, done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:37, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Cruentus's 3rd FAN. Awaiting objections. Unit 8311 Talk!  20:38, 30 November 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) I was wondering when this would be renominated. :)
 * 2) *Infobox
 * 3) **Link to Human.
 * 4) **We use metric system, so 6'3" is 1.905 meters in height. Replace it with that.
 * 5) **For the hair color, I recommend something like 'Gray (originally brown)' since it was last gray.
 * 6) **Eras need to be corrected, assuming you're going by canon eras. They would be 'Rise of the Empire era', 'Rebellion era', and then 'Legacy era'. Notice 'era' is not capitalized, and they need to be arranged in a list format, whether it be with bullet points (*) or with line breaks
 * 7) *Behind the scenes
 * 8) **I'd recommend using your full name as opposed to just your username, so you could refer to yourself in the third person as 'Greenwood', rather than Riff. I would also highly recommend expanding the BTS as it is. More on the development, inspirations, etc. for the character and his story and whatever other behind the scenes stuff you might wish to include.
 * 9) *Categories
 * 10) **I'd recommend alphabetizing your categories. Not required. However, you are missing the species and gender category. Just because he is a cyborg doesn't mean he is no longer a human or a male.
 * 11) *More to come later .--Victortalk 20:38, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) Here's what I could find:
 * 13) *He hoped that his son would find a way to escape the horrors of war by becoming an architect or a dentis...horrors of war is POV. War is not horrofic for a sadist or a mentally disturbed person, but still POV.
 * 14) *Around the age of six, Aurelius secretly accessed holofiles on the greatest battles of the last few millenia in the galaxy and hid them as soon as his parents were nearby....change to 'what were considered the greatest battles' to be safe.
 * 15) *He became quite strong at the pastime,...more POV.
 * 16) *the gritty news of the HoloNet....'gritty' is bordlerline POV. And you should clarify this statement, unless the sports or financial news were gritty as well.
 * 17) *Aurelius Tempest was present during the Erhynradd Massacre...context on what the Erhynradd massacre is.
 * 18) *Tempest wanted to get a look at the Empire's newest toy...either put 'newest toys' in quotation marks like that or replace it.
 * 19) *Tempest was lucky to not have been so close to docking...'lucky' is POV. 'He considered himself lucky', change it to.
 * 20) *I'd also recommend you put the quote in 'military career' to the top of the section.
 * 21) *In the end, the victors were the Imperials; first payback was bittersweet., POV and should be rewritten, as it doesn't make too much sense to me.
 * 22) *their caskets covered up due to the horrendous mutilation...'horrendous' is POV.
 * 23) *Night after night, he would feel attacked, like millions of zenji needles were prodding his body,...prosey. Rewrite.
 * 24) *The only way to deal with his pain was to escape from the facility and to find his family's murderers....more POV.
 * 25) *By the time the securities searched the skies for him...the securities what?
 * 26) *Each time, the murders were more extravagant and could only indicate that the next one would be even bigger....POV
 * 27) *purchase a ship that had good range in firepower....POV, and good range doesn't go with firepower.
 * 28) *The ship would be the pinnacle of his revenge...POV
 * 29) *The machine worked beautifully...POV
 * 30) *He was to the book...reword
 * 31) *a wise move considering they had caught the galaxy in a time...'wise move' is POV
 * 32) *BTS could be expanded a bit.
 * 33) *To conclude, interesting story, but in technical terms the article is a bit behind. Not a fan of the images either, but I'm not holding that against the article. Not a shabby job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  21:22, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 34) From the screen of the Solusinator
 * 35) *Introduction
 * 36) **He engaged in many of the famous battles and events of the Galactic Civil War, including the Battle of Hoth, the Battle of Endor, though preferred to keep his accomplishments at a minimum [...] Coordination. There should be an 'and' not a comma in between 'Hoth' and 'the.'
 * 37) *Military career
 * 38) **It was then that he noticed strange looking apelike humanoids being escorted as prisoners out of the complex. Hyphenation. Ape-like, not apelike.
 * 39) ***Ah think that's it. Prepare to take hours to fix it. Muahaha. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  17:59, 13 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) From the imperial Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 41) *Introduction:
 * 42) **“General Aurelius Tempest (born 42 BBY, reborn 38 ABY on Bastion) was one of many Imperial hardliners of the first and second Galactic Empires”. What’s an imperial hardliner? Is that like a foreign policy hawk or a neo-conservative? I’d suggest using better terminology there, and also “hardliner” COULD be considered POV because it begs the question, who is it hardline too? Is it hardline to everyone? I’d also suggest changing the beginning to read “Aurelius Tempest was an Imperial General and one of many…” and then go on from there. Finally, you need to link to both the first and second Galactic Empire.
 * 43) **“at a minimum” - I think the proper terminology is “to a minimum”, but I could be wrong.
 * 44) **Although this isn’t a requirement but rather a strong recommendation, instead of saying “Rebel Alliance” in this first mentioning you should instead say “Alliance to Restore the Republic”. The same will go for the first mentioning of it in the Biography section, which I’ll remind you about once we get there.
 * 45) **“Tempest also took control during the Yuuzhan Vong War” - took control of what?
 * 46) **“to protect entities on multiple planets such as Bastion” - what entities? Are they people? Ghosts? Goblins? Furry rats in a Manhattan dumpster? Also, although it’s not required, you should add a comma after “multiple planets” so it’s clear that Bastion is a planet, not an entity.
 * 47) **“from the invasion force” - what invasion force? Context is needed. Don’t assume that the reader knows what the Yuuzhan Vong War is. You need to give context on this sort of thing.
 * 48) **“Not completely mindless and brainwashed by the Empire’s ideals” - mindless and brainwashed are POV, even if you’re saying that he was NOT mindless and brainwashed.
 * 49) **“full understanding” is borderline POV because that suggests he knew 100% of everything. I suggest removing “full” and just leaving the understanding part.
 * 50) **“marvel at the little things” is, as Wookieepedia calls it, flowery prose.
 * 51) **Give context on what The Tempest Files are.
 * 52) **Give a brief bit of context on why he agreed to work with the rebels.
 * 53) **“during when he met his wife” - poor wording. Change to “during which time he met his wife”.
 * 54) **“horrible” is outright POV.
 * 55) **“leading him to attempted suicide” - I get what you’re going for here, but the wording is awkward. You should change it to “leading him to attempt suicide”.
 * 56) **Saying “fellow Imperial associate” doesn’t make any sense considering he’s not supposed to be part of the Rebel Alliance.
 * 57) **Give a brief bit of context on how he was able to regenerate himself. Not much, but enough to clarify.
 * 58) **“Bloodthirsty” is POV.
 * 59) **How did his hunt across the galaxy end the lives of millions? Context needed.
 * 60) **Understudies? Do you mean underlings? Subordinates might be a better word.
 * 61) *Beginnings:
 * 62) **You mention in the infobox that Tempest was born on Ralltiir, but you’ve neglected to mention it here in the biography. Please do so.
 * 63) **What’s the Ralltiir Guard? Brief context needed.
 * 64) **Is Gonn watching the Naboo incident with great attention relevant to this article? I don’t think so, and it’s not necessary in order to make the point found in the next sentence. I suggest removing the “great attention” part.
 * 65) **Why did Gonn find him harmless? Why was Tempest picked on? How did he become violent? When you’re not working with sourced material, you need to provide proper context and elaboration.
 * 66) **“little Aurelius” - prosey (aka, flowery prose. I’ll use the term “prosey” from here on out).
 * 67) **What’s a holoshooter? Context.
 * 68) **Stating that Gonn was inherently responsible for Tempest’s interest in self-defense is POV. A quick fix is saying that Gonn believed he was inherently responsible.
 * 69) *More later. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 00:57, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) *Military career:
 * 71) **Wow. I’ve told Unit that his quotes were bad before, but this….this is just a really bad quote. In the interest of quality, I really suggest either changing it or removing it, because it's just not funny.
 * 72) **“better adapted” is POV
 * 73) **Who’s Dooku and what is his droid army?
 * 74) **How did he become involved as a Republic strategist? What did he become involved in?
 * 75) **What’s Order 66, and where is this headquarters? What is the headquarters for?
 * 76) **A little context is needed on the rise of the Empire. Also link to the Galactic Empire.
 * 77) **“heavily” in heavily considered is POV. Also, why did he consider running for the Senate? Also, link to the Senate. Why did he instead join the Imperial Army?
 * 78) **What did Gonn feel were “more constructive means”? Also, WHAT did he feel could have been for more constructive means? That whole sentence is poorly worded and doesn’t make much sense.
 * 79) **Link to 7 ABY.
 * 80) **What’s a Death Star? Is that like what happens when a star goes supernova?
 * 81) **Link to 16 BBY.
 * 82) **Again, because this is now the article itself, you need to give context on The Tempest Files. Don’t assume the reader knows what you’re talking about.
 * 83) **What’s Aantooine?
 * 84) **What’s a Spalgar? o_O
 * 85) **“he became inspired to construct” - specify who “he” is. Based on everything else that was said in the sentence, there could be some confusion.
 * 86) **Why did he become inspired to construct the fortress? And what do you mean “of similar magnitude”? Similar magnitude of what? Was this thing big? Similar magnitude could mean the size of a pin head or the size of a galaxy. We don’t know because we haven’t been told.
 * 87) **“Aurelius Tempest was present during the” - why are you giving us his full name again?
 * 88) **“good friend” is borderline POV so I suggest you just change it to “friend”.
 * 89) **What’s the Galactic Civil War?
 * 90) **This is the first time you mention the rebels in the biography section. You need to properly link to either Rebel Alliance or Alliance to Restore the Republic, you need to give context to who they are, and you need to state why he would have been angry with them in the first place.
 * 91) **Why did Tarkin’s loss further fuel his anger?
 * 92) **“against Rebel sympathizers in the system” - what system?
 * 93) **Since you already linked to the overall Death Star article before, link to the first Death Star article when you say “news that the Death Star was nearing”.
 * 94) **“newest toy” really isn’t encyclopedic when you’re not directly quoting it from a quotable source.
 * 95) **I may be wrong, but I believe battle station is two words. If it’s stated differently in canon then ignore this.
 * 96) **What’s Sector N-1?
 * 97) **This explosion that you’re referring to, is it from the Death Star sabotage level that was in Battlefront II? If so, and if there’s an article to that event on Wookieepedia, refer to it and link to it.
 * 98) **What’s quadanium debris? I’d say give context but that’s irrelevant, so I’d suggest just taking out that word and leaving it as just “debris”. Simpler and more effective that way.
 * 99) *More later. Nearly thirty objections for only three paragraphs takes a lot out of a reviewer. I have to say, and this is no offense to you, Riff, but I’m not enjoying this review. So far, I’m pretty disappointed in the overall quality, as my lengthy list of objections likely hinted to, but I’m not a fan of the storyline either. Maybe it’ll get better, but so far he seems like the typical clichéd “he was the best at everything” imperial character that you’ll find on this wiki. Hopefully this is just a misguided first impression based on the beginning of the article. I hope I’m wrong. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 06:17, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) **Just a few notes in response to this. I won't have time tonight to complete the changes to the article.
 * 101) ***While I understand that the reader might not understand everything they come across in the article, do links to existing articles on SWF not help anymore? I realize my creations might need explaining but should I have to explain what everything is outside their articles? If someone does not know what a Death Star, then frankly I don't believe they really belong here.
 * 102) ***If I did not link to an article on Wookieepedia already like I normally would, then I will do so.
 * 103) ***Our article is at starwars:Battlestation but it can be spelled either way.
 * 104) ***starwars:Sector N-1
 * 105) ***The sabotage on the Death Star is seen in the novel starwars:Death Star (novel) but I am unsure if we have an article on that event.
 * 106) ***Not going to remove specific concepts such as starwars:quadanium.
 * 107) **I will take all changes/edits/improvements into consideration. I am sorry that you feel this is not a strong article and that it might come off as too Mary Sue for you but I will attempt to make it shine. --  Riffsyphon  1024 09:24, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 108) *In response to your comment about people not knowing what the Death Star is, I don't think you're understanding the concept of the encyclopedic article. You're not writing the article for Star Wars fans. You're writing it as if it's being written for the world, solar system, galaxy, universe, etc. Not everyone is going to know what the Death Star is, so you need to give context on something like that, and give context on anything else like that. Think of the bigger picture rather than just Star Wars fans. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:10, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) **Fair enough Brandon. I will think of the bigger picture. --  Riffsyphon  1024 09:48, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) Per above. -- Joe Butler   (Talk to me) 00:29, 1 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Renomination of article after it was demoted to Former Featured Status in August 2008. It has been updated to Ataru's wishes per his list of changes, mostly POV and Prose fixes. --  Riffsyphon  1024 13:23, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * All given instances given by Victor and Unit 8311 fixed/corrected/rewritten. --  Riffsyphon  1024 05:10, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Starting review. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:30, 24 December 2008 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) Now that my objections have been addressed. Well done. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:33, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) *Intro
 * 2) **"The Incident on Adirof's moon was an event orchestrated in part by Darth Sidious that occured during the Clone Wars." Who's Darth Sidious? Context.
 * 3) **"clone trooper pilot Reeves was secretly sent to Adirof, with a Jedi, three clone troopers, and two prisoners on board" The second instance of clone trooper is linked, yet the first one isn't. Reverse this.
 * 4) **"seemingly-unpopulated word" Words are populated??
 * 5) **"tension rose from previous situations and suspicions had grown from the crash, resulting in them fighting against each other. " What previous situations? And suspicions about what exactly? Context, clarification.
 * 6) ***I don't really think that much detail's needed for the infobox. IMO, it doesn't have enough to the current situation as an Incident/Battle. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:57, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **"After escaping them, they determined that," Who's they? Please tell us again as we lost context on who 'they' are in this new paragraph.
 * 8) **"Dular, the Jedi, " No link, and why couldn't it have been mentioned earlier who all the crew members are/were by name?
 * 9) **"Upon locating a Sheathipede-class transport shuttle" 'Sheathipede' should be italicized.
 * 10) **"Bodotor Thuvat and Dem Nozah had remained in order to make a deal" Where they 'remained' isn't really clear. Express that.
 * 11) **"Though the incident did not go exactly as was according to Darth Sidious's plan" A bit awkward saying 'as was according'. Maybe reword?
 * 12) *Infobox
 * 13) **The 'Previous' battle thingy only needs one reference, that being the first one that mentioned it, two is unnecessary. However since we have no rule(s) on sourcing, I guess that is a matter of opinion as it stands. Same thing with 'Date'.
 * 14) **Generally, in little places like 'Objective' and 'Outcome', there aren't periods at the end of the sentences. I know grammatically there should be, but in an infobox we usually use concise sentences without punctuation (other than semi-colons perhaps). Again, opinionish stuff.
 * 15) *More later. –<font color="#c00">Victor  [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|15px]] ( talk page ) 05:19, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) **All have been addressed except the one responded to. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:57, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) My turn:
 * 18) *Although the Jedi Knight Dular had been successful in clearing his name after being falsely accused of dealing with terrorists, Palpatine had not declared Bodotor Thuvat, who is Palpatine?
 * 19) *Also try giving a little bit of context to the Nockudemey--their cause, possibly.
 * 20) **Well, I think there really isn't much to say since the name and "their original purpose—which, he claimed, was not one of terrorism" make it clear they're terrorists. That's no other known goal besides terrorism. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:00, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) *Why were Nozah and Ordo exactly were sent along with them? What was their importance?
 * 22) **Ordo's reasons aren't said exactly in the photonovel, exactly (though why he wanted to be there is clear), but Nozah really has as much reason to be there as Thuvat. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:02, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) *the Black Sun and Confederacy of Independent Systems would cause trouble for his trial. Give context to both those organizations.
 * 24) *Although, Reeves was killed by an explosion before the shuttle hit the ground, the others survived, with no fatal injuries...how did the others survive?
 * 25) **It's not said in the chapter. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:03, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *Intending to escape what he thought was madness, Dular had left the group, only to be confronted by dark side disciple Asajj Ventress....as Ventress as already been given context and and introduction further up in the sectio, just call her 'Ventress' here and push any necessary context up there.
 * 27) *While Dooku communicated with his Master, Darth Sidious, who was actually the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, via hologram...put 'via hologram' after 'his master'
 * 28) *It was inspired by a swordfight in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest in which the main characters turned on and fought against each other. a comma after 'Dead Man's Chest'
 * 29) *That's it for now. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:48, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **All have been addressed except the ones responded to. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:06, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ***Good job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  15:09, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 32)  From the incidental Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 33) * Infobox:
 * 34) ** I may be wrong so I didn’t edit this myself, but I believe there should be a semicolon between “moon” and “Bodotor” in the outcome field.
 * 35) * Introduction:
 * 36) ** I just learned this recently, but “however” is best used between two parts of a sentence rather than before it. Therefore, it would probably be better to say: “Before it could arrive on Adirof, however, the shuttle was shot down”.
 * 37) ** Can you give context on what the “previous situations” were? If not, just ignore this.
 * 38) ***Well, it's kind of complicated and can't really be said in a few words, and I don't think it would be relevant enough for the infobox. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) ** “resulting in them fighting against each other” - put “in the survivors fighting”, because when you say “them” it almost sounds like the previous situations and suspicions are being referred to.
 * 40) ** “After escaping them” - who’s them? Give context since it’s the beginning of a new paragraph.
 * 41) ** When you say “because of the Separatist’s occupation”, it’s the first time you’ve mentioned this so you should say “occupation of the moon” just so it’s absolutely clear what you’re talking about.
 * 42) ** You don’t need to repeat that Dular is a Jedi.
 * 43) ** “was confronted by and dueled” - awkward wording.
 * 44) ** “Drewton, Daklif Ordo, and a” - this is the first time you mention Ordo. Who is he and why wasn’t he mentioned along with the other people onboard the ship?
 * 45) ** Can you say why Sidious was confident enough was achieved or, for that matter, WHAT was achieved? From this introduction, I can’t really see anything big that Sidious would be pleased about.
 * 46) ***Sidious doesn't actually know how anything went at the time he said that in the chapter. It's slightly implied that he could sense some of it through the Force, but I can't really say that because that's speculation. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) * Prelude:
 * 48) ** The whole first paragraph seems to lack context. You begin the “Although the Jedi Knight...” sentence without really giving context on the accusations. It’s as if it’s being assumed we automatically know what’s going on.
 * 49) ** “secretly entered a Republic prison holding Thuvat” - Palpatine was holding Thuvat? Wow, maybe that Palpatease image was true. Basically, what I’m saying is that it should be reworded to something like “prison that was holding”.
 * 50) ** “There, he offered a deal” - give context on who “he” is in that part of the sentence, along with the “he could either stay” part and the “he could be sent to” part. The “freeing him” part also seems to imply that Drewton would be freed.
 * 51) ** I would change “As they traveled” to “As the group traveled” just to give proper context.
 * 52) ** Who was picking up the signal, Drewton or Reeves?
 * 53) ***Err, it's obvious from the sentence: "a clone pilot nicknamed "Reeves" informed Captain Drewton that he was picking up a comlink signal" I doubt Reeves would inform Drewton that Drewton was picking up a signal  Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) ** “However, Reeves was still confident that they” - same as the last instance of “however”.
 * 55) ** “that they would already know of Separatist presence” - seems like there’s a word missing.
 * 56) * The incident:
 * 57) ** Who is “they”? Proper context since it’s the beginning of a new section.
 * 58) ** “which attacked it” - attacked what?
 * 59) ** “and send crash-landing” - should be “sent the shuttle crash-landing”.
 * 60) ** I may be wrong, hence why I’m not changing it myself, but I don’t believe there should be a comma between “Although” and “Reeves”.
 * 61) ** “and Commander and dark side Asajj Ventress” - awkward wording, and I believe you mean “dark sider”. Also, what is she a commander of?
 * 62) ** “in search of them” - in search of who? The group or the Separatists?
 * 63) ** What Rodian did he point the knife at? This is the first time you’ve mentioned a Rodian in the article.
 * 64) ** “acting to defend him” - defend who?
 * 65) ** Personal preference, really, but there’s no reason to state Tarisian Drewton’s full name again. You can just say “Lieutenant Drewton”.
 * 66) ** What agreement with the Nockudumey leader?
 * 67) ** Now? As in, right now? As in, a little bit before 10pm EST on 2/7/09? I’ve never found “now” to be proper for something like this, as it implies RIGHT now.
 * 68) ** I’d suggest removing had from “Dular had left the group”.
 * 69) ** Disciple Assaj Ventress? Last time you mentioned her, she was a commander and a dark side(r). Since when did she become a disciple?
 * 70) ** Now she’s a Dark Jedi too? Make up your mind, man.
 * 71) ** “that he would not always be” - who? Dooku? Dular? William Jennings Bryan?
 * 72) ** The sentence about rescuing Dular has some awkward wording. I’d suggest changing it to this: After eliminating the droids, the survivors hijacked the shuttle and rescued Dular from the duel with Ventress before flying away from the moon.
 * 73) * Aftermath:
 * 74) ** The first sentence is worded EXTREMELY awkwardly. I suggest changing it to something like this: After the incident ended, Dooku communicated via hologram with his master Darth Sidious, who was secretly Chancellor Palpatine. While they talked, Ventress interrupted in order to report on the incident.
 * 75) ** There’s that pesky “now” again.
 * 76) ** First sentence of the second paragraph seems to be a run on.
 * 77) ** The second paragraph is only two sentences long, so it should be combined with the previous paragraph. It doesn’t matter that the section would only be one paragraph.
 * 78) * Legacy:
 * 79) ** I know this section doesn’t exist in the article, but is there any sort of legacy information you can give us that can be sourced? If not, no worries.
 * 80) ***Chapter 22 is the latest chapter in the series, so there's no information I can use yet. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 16:00, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) * Behind the scenes:
 * 82) ** What’s Star Wars: Chronicles of a Rebellion? A novel? A comic? A game? A movie? Context.
 * 83) ** What’s Turnabout?
 * 84) ** “It was filmed” - what was filmed? And, for that matter, what’s the relevance of it being filmed in a cottage?
 * 85) ** Are there any sources for the first two paragraphs?
 * 86) ***Unfortunately, not right now, but there will be when I (hopefully) have production notes up. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) ** What’s Acceptance? Context.
 * 88) * General:
 * 89) ** This was a pretty good read. Fix up these things and you’ll have my vote. I enjoyed this and the chapter itself. The homage to Dead Man's Chest was great, and your photos are very impressive as always. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 02:40, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ***All have been addressed except those replied to. Thanks, glad you enjoyed them. :) Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 15:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) **I disagree with your reasoning on the "he picked up a signal one", as it may be obvious to you but not obvious to 100% of readers, but I've crossed it out just to speed this up. I still hope that you would change it, though.
 * 1) **I disagree with your reasoning on the "he picked up a signal one", as it may be obvious to you but not obvious to 100% of readers, but I've crossed it out just to speed this up. I still hope that you would change it, though.

Comments

 * 1) As always, waiting for any objections before voting. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:30, 6 February 2009 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) Here's what I could find:
 * 2) *Beginning shortly after the Trade Federation landed its forces on Utapau,...what is the Trade Federation and why was it invading? Context.
 * 3) *The Federation destroyed the communications array and went on to attack Ogana, where they captured Queen Arcadia. What is Ogana?
 * 4) *Following unsuccessful attempts at negotiation by Utapau’s Queen Sabé Arcadia and Jedi ambassadors Jard Dooku and Obi-Wan Kenobi, the latter of whom were sent by Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum in an attempt to end the Trade Federation blockade of Utapau that had begun one month earlier, the Trade Federation, under orders from Dark Jedi Master Maul who had been serving as the overall commander of the blockade, began their invasion of Utapau....run on. Split it.
 * 5) *All other officers had either been killed or fled the area, presumably to either escape or combat Federation forces that had made their way to other parts of the city. put a 'had' in front of 'fled the area', and 'presumably' might be borderline POV.
 * 6) *That's all for now. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  14:37, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **I fixed the first three objections. As for the fourth objection, a second "had" would be redundant since the "had" in front of "either been killed" still applies, and it's "presumably" because it was presumably within the chapter. Therefore, I do not believe POV applies. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 16:00, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) ***Okay, good job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:06, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) From Drewton's holocron:
 * Introduction
 * 1) *Link to "battle droid".
 * 2) *"Towards the end of the battle, Arruinada recorded a partial message to send to Queen Arcadia, although the mayor was killed before completing the transmission." "Although" doesn't seem to be the right word here. Perhaps something like: "Towards the end of the battle, Arruinada attempted to recorded a message to send to Queen Arcadia, but he was killed before completing the transmission."
 * Prelude
 * 1) *Link to "Jedi", "battle droid", and "Trade Federation".
 * The battle
 * 1) *"As the only one left in the area, the droids having killed everyone else nearby, Jacoma was about to be killed by a battle droid, although he used a grenade to destroy the droids." Like in the introduction, "although" doesn't seem to be the right word here.
 * That's all I could find. Good job. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 16:02, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Alright, all done. With the changing of "although" in the line about the mayor, I changed it to "but the mayor was killed". The mayor is a woman, not a man, and if I said "she was killed" then it could either imply the mayor or Queen Arcadia. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:39, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments
Waiting for objections. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 05:10, 7 February 2009 (UTC)