HP:Filose Naj

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Review

 * I, for one liked it, but there are a few little nit-picky problems to sort out. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  00:57, 8 August 2007 (UTC)

Things that need to be done

 * Grammar/spelling. I'll go through it one at a time and in order for you. the numbers are the 'section code' things.
 * 1.1 Para 1
 * Priviliges should be privileges
 * There is no such word as 'unnoble'
 * 'But the one day it all turned ugly' makes no sense grammatically
 * 1.1 Para 2
 * Possesion should be possession
 * 1.2 Para 2
 * 'A large explosion of fire erupted, engulfing all the raiders inside the flames, most of them knocked unconcious.' Several problems in that sentence, mostly in verb usage (or lack thereof), tense, and sentence structure
 * Unconcious should be unconscious
 * 1.3 Para 1
 * Cokpit should be cockpit
 * Benchs should be benches
 * Cannisters should be canisters
 * Didnt should be didn't
 * 1.3 Para 2
 * Suprised should be surprised
 * 1.4 Para 1
 * Necesarry should be necessary
 * 'His training went on for years, from the time he was 20 Falleen years, till when he was 50' While nothing is really wrong with this sentence, it just doesn't flow well, and 'years' is redundant; it's used twice
 * 1.5 Para 3
 * In the last sentence, 'on' is typed twice in a row
 * 1.5 Para 4
 * '...he came to a room which had nearly 50 guards in it' It should be 'room, which,' or 'room that;' also, 50 should be spelled out
 * 1.5 Para 5
 * Seperate should be separate
 * 'Smitherines' is informal; as well, it should be smithereens
 * 1.5 Para 6
 * Slimey should be slimy
 * 1.6 Para 1
 * 'Flop house' should be one word
 * 1.6 Para 3
 * 'Normally, Filose would not accept such a task as it seemed like suicide, though he had nothing else to do as the suitors were not coming to get him' Awkward wording. also, though 'suitors' is properly used here, at first it brings up the image of a line of people wanting to marry him
 * 1.6 Para 4
 * Permenantly should be permanently
 * 1.6 Para 7
 * Liveable should be livable
 * 1.7 Para 1
 * Nill should be nil
 * 1.7.1 Para 3
 * Though 'travelled' is proper, one of the only words to have two spellings, it is more formal to spell it traveled
 * 1.7.2 Para 3
 * 'padawans' should be 'Padawans'
 * 1.7.4 Para 1
 * Reknowned should be renowned
 * 1.8
 * Throughout the section, '[Jedi] council' should be capitalized
 * 1.8 Para 4
 * 'Masters' and 'Padawans' should be capitalized
 * 1.8 Para 5
 * '...during his spare time designed new robes which had better capabilities than normal Jedi robes' It should be 'new robes that had better...' or 'new robes, which had better...'
 * 1.8 Para 6
 * '...the Jedi that remained with Filose would become great warriors and would survive, then later become council members themselves.' It should be 'great warriors and survived, later becoming Council members themselves'
 * 1.9 Para 1
 * Impecable should be impeccable
 * 1.9 Para 3
 * Reknowned should be renowned
 * 1.9 Para 6
 * Unsuprisingly should be unsurprisingly
 * 1.9 Para 7
 * Vobroblades should be vibroblades
 * 1.9 Para 11
 * 'Home world' should either be one word or be rephrased 'home planet'
 * Though 'travelled' is proper, one of the only words to have two spellings, it is more formal to spell it traveled
 * 1.10 Para 1
 * Cohuts should be cahoots
 * Catastrophy should be catastrophe
 * 1.10 Para 2
 * Aliance should be alliance
 * 'Going ons' should be 'goings on'
 * 1.10 Para 4
 * Perimiter should be perimeter
 * 1.10 Para 8
 * 'Short lived' should be 'short-lived'
 * In this case, 'other's' should be 'others'
 * 1.11 Para 4
 * Valiently should be valiantly
 * 1.11 Para 5
 * '...and took up the position of leader of the Fist of Naj, a position which had been vacant since the groups change from the Fist of Falleen' It should be '...a position that...'
 * 1.12 Para 4
 * Unparalelled should be unparalleled
 * 'Power houses' should be one word
 * 1.12 Para 5
 * Greatful should be grateful
 * 1.13 Para 3
 * Seperated should be separated
 * 1.13.1 Para 2
 * Aproach should be approach
 * 1.13.1 Para 4
 * 'Jedi masters' should have 'masters' capitalized
 * 1.13.1 Para 6
 * Unsuprisingly should be unsurprisingly
 * 1.13.2 Para 3
 * 'He thought that she had been lonely, maybe Dak had been a trouble while he was gone...' 'Lonely' should have a semicolon after it
 * 1.13.2 Para 5
 * 'Short lived' should be 'short-lived'
 * 1.13.3 Para 1
 * 'The rebellion against the Republic on Coruscant came as a result of the small population which supported the enemies in the Unification War' It should be '...population that...'
 * In the second sentence, 'rebellion' should have a semicolon after it
 * 1.13.3 Para 4
 * Definately should be definitely
 * 1.13.3 Para 5
 * Suprising should be surprising
 * 1.13.3 Para 7
 * Insued should be ensued
 * 1.13.3 Para 9
 * Mechine should be machine
 * 1.13.4 Para 2
 * Stablized should be stabilized
 * 1.13.4 Para 3
 * Reruits should be recruits
 * 1.13.4 Para 4
 * Familly should be family
 * 1.13.6 Para 1
 * Enstilled should be instilled
 * 1.13.7 Para 5
 * '...he was visited, again, by the Republic ambassador' Would be better worded if it were '...he was again visited by the Republic ambassador'
 * 1.13.8 Para 7
 * Eachother should be each other
 * 1.13.8 Para 8
 * 'The Dark Lord had to created a force bubble...' Should be 'The Dark Lord had to create a Force bubble...' Notice the capitalization of Force
 * 'No where' should be one word
 * 'The plan had worked, use the Dark Lord's temper to his own disadvantage' Awkward
 * 1.14 Para 1
 * Sevice should be service
 * 1.14 Para 5
 * Seperated should be separated
 * 1.14 Para 6
 * 'He quickly fired off a couple of shots at the same man, one hit him in the chest and the other in the center of the head' The word 'man' should either have a semicolon or a colon after it, not a comma
 * Shyshkabob, besides being informal, should be shishkabob
 * '...then out to the side to leave them like a Pez dispenser.' OOU
 * 2 Para 1
 * Goodbye's should be goodbyes
 * '...a speech which lasted many hours' should be '...a speech that lasted many hours'
 * 2 Para 2
 * Cemetary (used twice in the paragraph) should be cemetery
 * 2 Para 3
 * Greastest should be greatest
 * Rivalled should be rivaled
 * 2 Para 4
 * 'There, the last member of the Naj bloodline, rightfully named Filose Naj III was killed by Darth Vader' It is written in passive tense, but whether it it is to be changed to active tense is optional. Also, Filose Naj III should have a comma after it
 * 3 Para 1
 * Atest should be attest
 * 4 Para 1
 * 'He had a mastery while wielding two vibroblades at once...' Awkward
 * 'He had many pieces of equipment which could help him in his occupation, powerful weapons and unique devices which made him the best in the business' It should be '...equipment that could help him...' As well, the sentence is awkward
 * 4 Para 2
 * Argueably should be arguably
 * Strategising should be strategizing
 * Moreso should be two words
 * '...possibly moreso than his future Falleen brethren Xizor' 'Brethren' is plural, it should be singular or differently worded
 * 5 Point 2
 * '6 month' should either be 'six-month'
 * 5 Point 5
 * Emporer should be Emperor
 * 5 Point 6
 * Seperate should be separate

DONE!!!!! Now excuse me while I take something for my headache... - Solus (Bird of Prey)  00:57, 8 August 2007 (UTC)