Thread:Atarumaster88/@comment-29301-20171114184134/@comment-31421-20180102023909

Hey MPK, I had a long response typed up, and then my browser ate it as I hit "Reply," so I'm attempting to recreate it.

Hey MPK, I had a long response typed up, and then my browser ate it as I hit "Reply," so I'm attempting to recreate it.

Caveat: KotOR and KotOR II were a long time ago. I haven't touched those games in nearly a decade, so some nuances of the plot and backstory are lost on me. My Star Wars knowledge is generally after 40 BBY.

There were a couple of small niggling things--weird phrases like "licks of lava" or odd thoughts like "why would a Jedi hunter like Atton be so weirded out about carrying a lightsaber?" or "man, their gearing up for Malachor seems unimportant" I'm having a hard time remembering those, but such as I can remember them, there they are.

Overall thoughts--the story seems a little tired by the end. The encounters with Atris and Nihlius (sp?) kind of drag on a bit. By the time you get to Sion and especially Kreia, it feels like you felt the story was too long and then decided to cut it short. I'd prefer less Nihlius and Atris and more weight to Kreia. Cutting out Kreia's dialogue by describing that it happens feels like you decided that it was time for the story to end. The prose throughout the duels is a little purple, and especially with Nihlius reads almost with too much melodrama.

Plus sides: Atton is very well charactered. I enjoyed how you wrote his character and gave him depth and purpose without going too overboard. He's conflicted yet effective in his abilities. His mental inner dialogue is believable and true to the character (counting cards, fighting his Force potential and wrestling with feelings for Meetra)

Down sides: Having Meetra literally decide on a whim to go sense the Sith, which turns her from wounded antihero to steeple-fingered sociopath undermines your ending. It'd be a little more climactic if she saw through Kreia's dying eyes or something, but she kind of just decides that it's time to go full Palpatine on a whim. At least in Betrayal, Jacen's fall (blegh) was written with gravity as he realizes with appropriate tension. This just sort of happened. Her descent isn't as gradual as maybe it could be throughout the story, as she kills the Jedi, then she maims Atris, then she kills the Sith and that's all well and good, but then she decides to be a manipulative Force-user-killer too, and that's extra bad? In general, the prose, while well-written, tends to be a bit over the top.

I still like the story and am glad you brought it to my attention (again). Hope it helps.