CS:Doluc II

This is the archived review page for the successful featured article nomination of Doluc II.

Approve (5 Seers/5 Users/10 Total)

 * 1) The Desk approves. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:45, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  Darth Wylind [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|26px]] ( Conference Room ) 18:15, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) I've looked over this, and with both Ataru and Unit's objections corrected I believe this is of FA status. - Brandon Rhea  (talk) (contribs) 22:35, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Brent Krajewski [[Image:Pylon.gif|27px]]  (The Forge)   (Gateway)  01:50, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) No objections. Looks tidy. --[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 04:21, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Mulluns (Talk) 06:45, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) --[[Image:Darth tom sig.png|100px]] (talk) (contributions) 07:41, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:56, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) Lavi (talk) 19:08, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) - Solus  (Bird of Prey)  20:40, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Oppose

 * 1) From the freshly resurrected desk of Atarumaster88
 * 2) * No FAN tag? Improvement tag? Please rectify.
 * 3) * "however, the survivors who migrated to Doluc II began to oppose Republic action began to support anti-Republican policies" Awkward wording.
 * 4) * Personally, I'd like to see a little more about the planet itself than just its history in the intro. Maybe a bit more on society would be nice, along with some more climate description?
 * 5) * I'd like a little more detail on the transition between tribes and cities&mdash;there seems to be some backstory missing from between the Early History and Sons of Bogan section.
 * 6) * " As the Sith forces approached" Where?
 * 7) * A little more context on Turus' actions during the battle, please. This may involve writing more backstory.
 * 8) * "most noble house" Some POV here.
 * 9) * "so to did their markets and trade expand." Awkward wording.
 * 10) * "Dolucian separatists movment" Capitalization and spelling errors.
 * 11) * Some time periods for Isolation would be good. As in, years. It gets sort of confusing what eras you're talking about.
 * 12) * Might want to clarify that Fayne brought a fleet with him.
 * 13) * "However, Rebel forces see the Empire's dissenting governor as an opportunity to liberate a world from Imperial control. Under the command of Admrial Ackbar, the joint Rebel-Doluc force manages to destroy Charpels' Star Destroyer, the Pious, and forces the survivors to flee back to Imperial Center." Present tense.
 * 14) * "making Delphiki still be allowed to keep his seemingly separate" Awkward wording.
 * 15) * "Delphiki was able to lead almost as secretively as in the Deep Core asteroid." Lead what? His companies? Or did he somehow gain a government post that was not explained?
 * 16) * Contextify Vancita Alliance.
 * 17) * Third para of weather and climate has tense issues.
 * 18) * "From its earliest stages, the Dolucian government founded on Doluc II strove for freedom and an independence from galactic affairs, in general" A bit of POV and weasel words here.
 * 19) * If the Faynes are from Doluc II, that should be noted somewhere in the History.
 * 20) *This was an interesting read. While I thought that there were a few parts here and there that could use a bit more backstory, this is a nice, quality read. If all SWF planet articles strove for this level of quality (once the objections are fixed, lol), there could be a lot more planet FAs. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 00:37, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Fixed. Feel free to look over when you have the time. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 01:32, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) Here's what I could find:
 * 2) *'Doluc II's surface was green and lush, covered with green foliage and a teeming variety of fauna'--prosey
 * 3) *'Due to the unique abundance of animal life,' unique seems a bit POV.
 * 4) *'However, the Sons of Bogan's influence on the Dolucians of the moon was strong' strong is POV
 * 5) *'formerly-blissful' 'blissful' is POV
 * 6) *'However, this technological golden age came with a price', whoah, MAJOR POV.
 * 7) *'wisdom of the Jedi arts', 'wisdom' is POV.
 * 8) *'Doluc II and the other moons proved a more difficult task', 'difficult' is POV.
 * 9) *'the Sons had treated them with more consideration and respect than the Sith had' POV
 * 10) *'King Arken's rule marked a golden age for the Dolucian people;' yet more pOV
 * 11) *'The dark-siders became so powerful, in fact,' powerful is POV
 * 12) *'Dolucians entered a second golden age.' POV
 * 13) *'However, the governor was a proud man,' POV
 * 14) *'Some beneficial factors came'...POV.
 * 15) *'Though the Dolucian Navy could protect its world from pirate fleets, it stood no chance against the might of the Galactic Alliance's armada of ships.', POV, and vaguely prosey.
 * 16) *'chances were high that it also was raining throughout the planet' reword; prosey
 * 17) *'he majority of the population was also educated fairly well' POV
 * 18) *That's it for now. I might do more later. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:14, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Fixed. Feel free to look over when you have the time. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 22:34, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) They asked me to vote. Blame them.
 * 2) *Intro
 * 3) ** From paragraph 2: "...the steppes and hills that encompassed the planet [...]" From paragraph 3: "...the steppes and hill country that encompassed the planet's surface [...]" Redundancy. The use of "encompassed" and the hills and steppes forms a redundancy.
 * 4) **"...Darth Ruin [...]" Missing antecedent. Who is Darth Ruin?
 * 5) **"...the Sith again rose to power [...]" Missing antecedent. When was the first time they rose to power on Doluc II? Or was it even on Doluc II?
 * 6) **"The Doluc loyalist faction was victorious, however, the battle contributed to growing opposition to Republic policies [...]" Comma usage. The comma before "however" should be a semicolon for the sentence to make sense as it is currently worded.
 * 7) **"The Doluc loyalist faction was victorious, however, the battle contributed to growing opposition to Republic policies and intervention in Dolucian wars and this sentiment contributed to the Dolucians stance in the Clone Wars. Run-on.
 * 8) **"The faction of Dolucians who opposed Republic sovereignty was the most popular and numerous on Doluc; after the Battle of Doluc, however, the survivors who migrated to Doluc II began to oppose Republic action and support anti-Republican policies on the moon." Logic. After the semicolon, the word "however" is used, giving the reader the feeling that the second independent clause will be fairly opposite the first one. The second clause, however, only builds on the first one. The use of "however" is incorrect, logically.
 * 9) **"Dolucian separatists" Usage. The phrase is used throughout the last few paragraphs, and is used as if this is the name of the faction other than the Dolucian Liberty and Autonomy faction. If "Dolucian separatists" is going to be used in place of it as a shorter version of the name, "separatists" should be capitalized.
 * 10) **"...Dolucian public opinion continued to support the notion that the Doluc system had the right to govern itself and it took military action on the part of the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances to subjugate the independently-minded Dolucian people." Logic. It sounds almost as if it was working with the GFFA, which makes no sense in light of the rest of the sentence. What did you mean?
 * 11) ***TBC - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:26, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) *Cont.
 * 13) *Early History
 * 14) **"...the Dolucians found it easy to hunt the wildlife who had no former interaction with sentient predators." Usage. The "the" before "wildlife" confuses the sentence. Remove it.
 * 15) **"...the Dolucians found it easy to hunt the wildlife who had no former interaction with sentient predators." Usage. The use of "who" after "wildlife" makes it somewhat unsure as to whether the "who" is referring to the wildlife or to the Dolucians. "That" would probably be a better word choice.
 * 16) **"However, the conversion from village to town took time, and very few towns had been built by 5,000 BBY." The second independent clause expounds upon the first one and is more related than a second independent clause would be. Either the "and" should be taken out or "only" should be placed after "and," or something similar.
 * 17) ***TBC - Solus (Bird of Prey)  19:35, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) *Cont.
 * 19) *Sons of Bogan
 * 20) **"...arrived on Doluc II. The Sons arrived quickly [...]" Redundant. The word "arrived" is used twice within six words.
 * 21) **"...their advance was met with little resistance and any Dolucians who attempted to fight back were defeated by the Sons' military machine." Run-on.
 * 22) **"Conquering the largest Dolucian city, Archades, the Sons founded their temporary capital on Doluc II." Logic. It sounds as if the Sons conquered the largest Dolucian city and founded their capital on Archades at the same time. Do you mean "After conquering [...]"?
 * 23) **"...their weapons and knowledge was handed down to their subjects and it wasn't long before the Dolucians were making blasters and vibroblades of their own." Logic. While we are unsure as to when vibroblades were invented, blasters were only invented and used by the Rakatans, and not later; the earliest blaster used by the Republic being the triple blaster, which was very likely not around circa 25,000 BBY.
 * 24) **"Though the Dolucians envied their captors' technology and mechanical skill [...]" Unity. This sentence begins another few sentences of thought on the subject of Force powers - i.e., it should begin a new paragraph.
 * 25) **"Many of these Consuls were also Force-sensitives, and well-learned in the dark side of the Force." Fragment. The use of ", and" roughly equates a period, meaning that "well-learned in the dark side of the Force." is equated with a sentence, which it is not.
 * 26) **"...unable to do anything against their attacks." Logic. They did do something against their attacks - they surrendered. Do you mean they were unable to retaliate, or something similar?
 * 27) **"However, the Dolucians of Doluc had enough of their foreign masters and sold out their position to the Sith forces." Reference. Though after reading this through twice I understood that the Dolucians here were of the planet Doluc, further explanation might be beneficial to make sure that readers don't think these are the Dolucians of Doluc II. This complaint does not have to be fixed.
 * 28) ***TBC - Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:02, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) *Cont.
 * 30) *Civil strife
 * 31) **"However, the Dolucians refused to submit to their new overlords [...]" Usage. While the use of "however" in this sentence is passable, it is more correct to use "however" in the middle of a sentence, surrounded by commas.
 * 32) **"...the Dolucians created a interplanetary fleet to defend their possessions, a standing army that combined troops from Doluc and its primary moon, and initiated a lasting peace with the moons of Sram I and II." Fragment. The use of ", and" roughly equates a period, meaning that "initiated a lasting peace with the moons of Sram I and II." is equated with a sentence, which it is not.
 * 33) **"...the dark-side warriors began to swear allegiance to the King [...]" Capitalization. "King," like "president," "uncle," and similar titles, is not capitalized unless used in conjunction with a name, such as King Arken II.
 * 34) **"The dark-siders influence [...]" Apostrophe usage. "Dark-siders" should be "dark-siders'."
 * 35) **"The dark-siders influence increased enough that it enabled the Argent Consul Ronos Ka'i attempted to overthrow the monarchy [...]" Verb usage. Just read the sentence a few times.
 * 36) **"...his rebellion movement was crushed [...]" Redundancy. "Rebellion movement" is redundant, just "rebellion" will suffice.
 * 37) ***TBC - Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:16, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) *Cont.
 * 39) *Isolation
 * 40) **"Though the Dolucians initially surrendered to Republic authority, they were not well-received by other member worlds in the Republic and generally looked down upon as backwater and uncivilized." Parallelism. They "were not well-received" and, by parallelism extention, they "generally looked down upon as backwater and uncivilized." Put a "were" before "generally."
 * 41) **"The Dolucians considered this era occurred around 120 BBY, however, was cut short when the Dolucians' primary merchant fleet was ambushed [...]" Usage. Just read the sentence a few times.
 * 42) **"...ending their hopes for expanding any further." Preposition usage. "Of," not "for."
 * 43) **"...from the Hutt Cartel and Black Sun" Adjective usage. "The" in front of Hutt Cartel implies that there is more than one Hutt Cartel, but this is THE GENUINE Hutt Cartel. Remove "the."
 * 44) ***- Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:31, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments

 * Go ahead, kill review away. &mdash;  JM ' 76 ' Ask Archives [[Image:Sabersmilyjm76.jpg|18px]] 22:37, 21 February 2009 (UTC)