The Fanon Menace/Season 2/Episode 31 script

Endor -meet Ewoks: strike team

 Fan out and form a search pattern. General Solo, I’ll take the strike team and head southeast, reporting in every half hour, sooner if we find anything.

 Uh...ok. I’ll go...*gestures with hand* this way.

*Rebel Mercenary 1 nods, Rebel Mercenaries move out*

 Grawwr!

 What do you smell?

 Grawwr!

 Food? Where?

*Chewie points, Han runs up to table set with gourmet food*

 Oh, look, food! *runs up to table*

 No, Han, don’t!

*Han reaches table, sits down, eats, stands back up, walks back to group*

 That was good. *sees control panel with big red button on it* I wonder what this does?

*Han pushes the button, trap comes up and catches them all*

 Gee, Han, thanks.

 Don’t talk to your commanding officer with such sarcasm! I’m a General, you know! I’ll have you court martialed!

 Hey, Han, see if you can reach my lightsaber.

 No need. I’ve got a flamethrower.

 Uh, Han, that may not be...

*Han torches net, all fall*

 Oh, my back...

 That wasn’t such a bad landing.

<Chewbacca> Grawwr!

<Han> It is not just because I fell on you!

*Ewoks jump up, surround strike team command staff*

<Luke> Great, Han, just great. Threepio, can you translate?

*Threepio stands, groaning*

*Ewoks scream, surround him with spears*

<Luke> I don’t think that’s a good sign...

-Go to Ewok village

*Ewok procession, C-3PO hanging from stake; Luke, Han, Chewie, and R2-D2 on thrones*

<Ewok> *speaks Ewok*

<Luke> 3PO, can you translate for us?

<C-3PO> Uh...he either said that you are welcomed guests, or he said that we’re all going to be eaten for dinner.

<Han> That doesn’t sound good.

<Ewok> *speaks Ewok*

<C-3PO> We’re going to be eaten for dinner.

*Luke uses Force to raise his throne*

<C-3PO> Oh, my! Master Luke, you’re floating!

<Luke> Tell them that I will rain destruction from the skies upon them if they attempt to cook and eat us.

<Han> You know, that sounds very...Sith-like.

<Luke> Just tell them, 3PO.

<C-3PO> *starts speaking Ewok, but stops quickly* Master Luke, I cannot.

<Luke> Why on earth not?

<C-3PO> I can’t speak Ewok.

<Han> But you understand them, right?

<C-3PO> Well...sort of.

<Han> Sort of? What do you mean, sort of?

<C-3PO> They’re building a fire.

<Han> Don’t change the subject on me...

*Leia enters, speaks Ewok*

*All Ewoks stop building fire, untie C-3PO*

<Luke> Leia! How’d you get here?

<Leia> I walked.

<Luke> Well, I figured that...I mean how as in why, not how as in how.

<Leia> Oh. Well, you see, after I was clothesli...*glances at Han*...gracefully leaped off the speeder and landed in a circle of stormtroopers. I fought them off barehanded when Wicket found me and graciously invited me to come rest at his village.

<Luke> So what really happened?

<Leia> I’ll tell you later. Right now they’re trying to stew 3PO.

<C-3PO> *in background* Help!

*Luke Force-lifts C-3PO out of the pot*

<C-3PO> Thank you, Master Luke.

<Luke> Those Ewoks are going to be a real handful...