DL:Cilwelli (species)

Approve

 * 1) Well done. [[Image:NKsig.png|70px]] Jesus Freak NK says NK's 'mazin' articles [[Image:sabersmilygreend.jpg]] 17:56, 9 March 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Good job. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  17:48, 8 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:25, 7 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 23:34, 7 August 2008 (UTC)

Disapprove/complaints

 * 1) From the screen of the Solusinator:
 * 2) * Almost all of the images are incorrectly sourced. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:44, 1 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Fixed.
 * 1) From the three-eyed desk of Atarumaster88
 * 2) * "nearly 30,000 thousand" Reword unless you mean 30 million.
 * 3) * "their infamous third eye" Infamous is POV.
 * 4) * "However, it is likely that there was some biological reason for their limited life spans." Tense.
 * 5) * "But another war would bring another dictatorship to Cilwelli." Fragment.
 * 6) * "They severally oppressed the Ciwellians" Reword and watch the POV.</s.
 * 7) *I'd prefer you not use "extremely powerful", it's a bit POV when stated explicitly.
 * 8) * You repeat a paragraph on the Crex. Please remove one of them.
 * 9) * I'd strongly recommend you de-list the Clans section and just make minor alterations. Bold the clan name if you wish, but don't list.
 * 10) * "creatures soon ran ramped, killing Cilwellians and slaughtering herbs" Wording.
 * 11) **Fixed one, but what about "ramped"?
 * 12) * "Cilwelli families were composed of many children." Might want to reword this so it includes some adults.
 * 13) * "Their offspring possessed remarkable features" Remarkable is POV.
 * 14) * "Many villagers were slaying by the " Reword.
 * 15) * "Wejji began a regime of cruelty and hatred." Some POVishness here.
 * 16) * First and second paragraphs of Contact with the outside needs more syntax variety.
 * 17) **The sentence lengths/structured have not been altered.
 * 18) * "Because of this, little is known about Cilwelli's development during this time period." Tense/OOU.
 * 19) * "and soon Cu left he was ready to attack. The first attack" Reword this; awkward verbage and "attack" needs varied up.
 * 20) * "But Zolu was outsmarted." Try not to use "But" in the beginning of a short sentence. It usually results in a fragment, or at least awkward sentence. Reword.
 * 21) * "They raided Republic outposts in the Mid and Outer Rim. They became such a nuisance that the Republic decided to attack the planet. " The fact that you start two back-to-back sentences with the same subject is something that should be altered for variety and readability. Do this throughout the article please.
 * 22) * "Though the well trained Republic navy was able to bring down on the Cilwelli ships, the CIS claimed the victory." Wording.
 * 23) * "This was the first morale boost for the Cilwelli since the Mandalorian Wars." The first morale boost? I think it might be better to say "military morale boost" or "significant military victory" or something, because otherwise, it makes it sound like they were depressed for centuries . . . yeah. It's your article, though.
 * 24) * "However, the war was far from over. The Republic was still on Hustia. Muggera knew that Cilwelli would not be safe until the clonetroopers were driven out." Combined with the next two, five relatively simple sentences back to back. Vary up the syntax, use some longer sentences.
 * 25) * "Therefore Cilwelli fell to Imperial hands." Prosetry. Reword.
 * 26) * " Delijiti were forced to lay" Forced to lay what? Eggs?
 * 27) * "But the actual fighting would have to be done by the Cilwelli." Stilted wording.
 * 28) *"only to return against before fleeing." Reword.
 * 29) * "people were dying, with a fight" Missing something here.
 * 30) * Did the Vong use a virus or bacteria? It's not clear.
 * 31) * "No sooner had Cilwelli began to recover from the epidemic, when the Yuuzhan Vong invade the planet." Tense.
 * 32) * Decide between "senate" and "Senate"
 * 33) * BtS could stand with some fleshing out. For example, I recognized your use of Roman lictors for the Crex. That could use a mention. Also, some of the ceremonies and caste systems seemed vaguely Hindu in origin. The religions should be fleshed out. At any rate, it'd be good to describe your influences, and preferably without bullets. Paragraph format always preferred. This is a major concern.
 * 34) **Check your spelling in the new BtS notes.
 * 35) * "The clones, who had suspected Muggera's next move, were fell fortified" Reword.
 * 36) *These are largely small objections, but you really should have caught most of these yourself. Next time you submit a Featured Article Nomination, please read it line-by-line to look for types of things like tense, fragments, missing words, etc.; I had to fix a large number of minor things in addition to this. Copyediting is an essential part of the process, and ideally, I shouldn't be the one doing it. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 15:17, 15 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Everything's been sorted out.
 * Not quite. Be a little more thorough, and I'll be happy to approve this. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 15:57, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
 * How about now?

Comments

 * It is a great species! RHR fails to dissapoint. And I know im using NKSCF line. Sorry but it does. --  Arav the Undersith ( Talk Page ). 06:21, 29 May 2008 (UTC)