Star Wars Fanon:Featured articles/Nominations

A featured article is an article that represents the best that Star Wars Fanon has to offer. Out of articles on this wiki, less than fifty are currently featured articles. Articles that no longer meet the criteria can be proposed for improvement or removal by the Council of Seers. A featured article is also an article that adheres to a certain standard of quality that is higher than the standard of quality for good articles. In order to become a featured article, an article must first be voted as a Star Wars Fanon good article. It should be of a very detailed and of substantial length, long enough to promote every single detail about the subject, though short enough to where it does not become a hassle to read it or edit it. For more information on what makes a featured article, see our featured article requirements.

Nomination
In order to be considered for featured article status, an article must first reach good article status by being voted upon by the Council of Seers and the membership of Star Wars Fanon. Once an article has become a good one, the author of the article may nominate the article for featured article status on their own accord. The nominated template will also be added at the top of any good articles that are nominated.

Voting
The Council of Seers, and they alone, will vote on each nomination. They will review by adding comments, critique, and feedback on the articles up for nomination. They will vote on whether or not the article is of featured article quality, and once at least five of the nine members of the Council of Seers approve of the article, the article will become featured.

If for whatever reason the author(s) of a featured article nominee become(s) inactive and the objections of the Council of Seers remain uncorrected, the article will be removed from the nominations list and moved to the list of rejected nominations. Once the author returns, they may re-nominate their article if they intend to correct the objections.

Approved articles
If an article is voted in by the Council of Seers, it will be added to the list of featured articles, the upcoming article queue, and to the history of featured articles.

Objections

 * 1) From the Hitleresque Desk of Unit 8311:
 * 2) *'and was able to create one of the most powerful military forces the galaxy had ever seen'...to 'what was considered to be one of the most powerful'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I consider the art scuplture thing to be somewhat eyebrow-raising, as I can only imagine someone with extreme emotional problems running away from home because they messed up an art piece. However, I'll let it pass.
 * 2) *'Cos had average aim'...add 'compared to the other soldiers', just to be safe
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'ministers took in turning the Republic into a reich of sorts.'...I'm not sure if reich is a good word, as I doubt the German language exists in SW. 'fascist dictatorship' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos ruled the galaxy ruthlessly'...to 'was considered a ruthless leader'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Another three years passed, when Imperial intelligence informed Cos that the Rebellion had relocated to a planet in the Outer Rim.'...change 'when' to 'then'. Looks better gramatically.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Though, Jerjerrod was no Tarkin, and the station was not being completed on schedule'...'Jerjerrod was not considered as effecient as Tarkin' might be better.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'However, Cos' plan failed' add an extra 's' after Cos'
 * 2) *'Darth Vader was growing angry with Cos's poor military leadership of the Galactic Civil War'...'with what he considered to be Cos's poor military leadership'
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Cos's cruelty and evil was known by nearly all after his death', whoah, big POV here. Rewrite this sentence.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:28, 26 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *'Talents' section has some POV that you should easily spot and change. I can highlight it all for you if that's not the case, though.
 * Please highlight them.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the end, though I'm not fond of rewritten canon characters, I can see this article being an FA. The above stuff I listed shouldn't be too difficult to sort. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:20, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) From the politically re-imagined Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea
 * 3) *I first want to mention that I made these objections nearly two months ago before the first nomination was rejected. They should have been taken care of before you nominated this again. But because they were not, here they are again.
 * 4) *Throughout the article, you repeat “Cos” over and over when saying things that Cos has done. I would suggest you find other words than “Cos” to say this, because although this is meant to be encyclopedic prose it could still read a little better in this regard.
 * On the topic of prose, I’ve removed a lot of the colorful prose that is best saved for a narrative piece rather than an encyclopedic article. I’ve also removed all instances of POV that I found when reading.
 * 1) *I’m not quite sure what I think about the surrender of the Mandalorians. Mandalorians will typically fight until the last man or until it’s clear that they absolutely cannot win. I don’t see how the loss of their capital world would do that based on the information you’ve given. It just doesn’t seem very honorable. I know this is an alternate take on the Star Wars film era, but you haven’t established that the Mandalorians in your fanon are any different than those in canon.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I have a hard time believing that everyone in the court would just rally around Cos’s speech, including the judges. There’s always people who will disagree. However, I was glad that even with this he was still sentenced to prison.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *On the note of prison, nine months is a bit too early for parole on a five year sentence, don’t you think? It’s generally longer than that, I believe, especially if the crime is treason and conspiracy.
 * The six judges gave him a parole of nine months, believing in his ideals. They were the first of many government officials for Cos to sway into his cloud of lies.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I have a big problem with the part where he becomes Senator of Corell, and it’s mostly due to a startling lack of detail. First, why was he given parole? As for the election, why did the people vote in favor of him? How did he run his campaign? What was the competition like in the primaries? Who was his opponent? What was he/she like to run against? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? As for his inauguration, the Governor didn’t do anything to try to prevent Cos from being elected and then inaugurated? The Governor didn’t make a public spectacle about how Cos shouldn’t be inaugurated? I don’t know about you, but I’d have a hard time inaugurating someone who tried to kill me.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 21:51, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *In the first paragraph of the Clone Wars section alone, there is a total lack of context and detail in terms of major events. What was the Mandalorian threat? What type of intelligence did they receive to suggest that the Mandalorians were a threat to them again? Why did Cos vote to go to war? What evidence did he have to suggest that there should be a war against the Mandalorians? What type of measures did the Senate take to build up an army? Where did this clone army come from? Finally, after answering all of this, why did the Senate finally agree to declare war?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Once again, there is a total lack of detail in terms of the election, this time for Supreme Chancellor. First, who was the sitting Supreme Chancellor? How did he run his campaign? Was the race a landslide or was it a close race? What were the major issues of the campaign? What was Cos’s focus in the campaign (aka, like McCain’s “Country First” or Obama’s “Change We Can Believe In”)? What was the focus of his two opponents? There needs to be a lot more detail here.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *You say that Cos pleaded for “more” emergency powers? When did he receive emergency powers in the first place? Remember, emergency powers are not inherent in the position of a government executive like this, so you need to address how he first got them.
 * Sorry, that was a typo. Fixed.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *After spending so much time stating how Cos was always so big on ensuring the best things possible for the Republic, I’m concerned with the lack of detail on why he would prolong the war and why he wanted more emergency powers.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *You ended one sentence saying that many more Republic worlds were captured, but began the next one by saying that it appeared the Republic would win without explaining the turn of events. I don’t see how you can jump a year and a half between two sentences. Surely important things must have happened then?
 * Done.  Wing   msg 02:12, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *Get rid of the "Styles of Address" section. It's totally irrelevant.
 * Done.  Wing   msg 23:02, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *More will come later. As it stands, while I’m intrigued by the storyline, this is nowhere near Featured article quality. There are too many points of detail lacking throughout the article, as evident above, and I just don’t think it’s very well written. The prose is very shaky and unengaging. It’s hard to explain, but I think you need to steer clear of some of the parts that are more suited for a narrative and just make the prose a bit more compelling. I mentioned the thing above about how you should find another way to refer to Cos than just “Cos”, but also the sentence structure and grammar also needs a lot of improvement. This may need a total rewrite, though I haven’t finished it yet so it may not need a total one. We’ll see how the rest is once you get to these. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:27, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) As requested below.
 * 3) *Infobox No need to state his political party in the infobox, although this is purely choice, so do as you wish on that.
 * 4) *Introduction
 * 5) **"was the last Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic" You don't link to the Galactic Republic here, although you do to the Galactic Empire right after. For flow, please link to both.
 * 6) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) **"with his ministers such as Governor Tarkin to achieve" Commas around 'such as Governor Tarkin' and who is he? Context, link perhaps.
 * 8) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) **" The unaware senators did not realize they just gave Palpatine not only emergency powers, but they gave up their democracy." Very flowerly and unnecessary, could be worded much better without the bad grammar, POV and in past tense, not present tense.
 * 10) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **"a form of government not seen since the time of Judah Zaren," Who? Context.
 * 12) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) **You constantly go back and forth between referring to him as 'Cos' or 'Palpatine'; stick with one or the other please, suggestively Palpatine.
 * 14) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) **"founded the Alliance of Free Planets" Link perhaps? A tiny bit of context.
 * 16) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) **"The Galactic Civil War would last for many years" Link perhaps, and this is why you need context on the above opposition. This just comes out of nowhere.
 * 18) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) **"on Terra when defeat was inevitable." No link to Terra, and that last bit is POV. Put that he believed it was inevitable or something.
 * 20) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) **You end the intro with "However, this did not bring about the end of the Empire." Okay, so what's the point of that? Go further, perhaps into why not, how long it lasted, his legacy. Doesn't have to be long or anything, but that feels very awkward, unfinished. Give me some closure, man.
 * 22) ***Done.  Wing   msg 22:12, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) *I will review more section-by-section later, but some things right off the bat: Image:Threatofskywalker.jpg needs proper formatting and linking to its source; "Legacy" header needs to be level 3 (part of biography), not level 2; Talents needs to be renamed to 'Talents and abilities', or, if he was a Force-user (which I don't believe so) it instead needs to be 'Powers and abilities'; No links to any of his appearances?; Lastly, fix up and cut down on the categories. Not necessary to have twenty categories. Remove the doubled up ones, which means those that all lead back to the same category. For example, you have "Imperial officers", "Imperial individuals", and "Imperials". Only one you need of those three is the first. Then, if you like alphabetize them, but please clean them up. More review once these objections are taken care of. If the article is anything like the intro, I suspect lots of missing context, links, and lots of POV. :\ --Victortalk 07:45, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 24) **Vic, if you read the MOS, Legacy is a Level 2 header, not a Level 3 header. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 13:11, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) ***Ah, well that should be amended methinks. It actually belongs in the biography. --Victortalk 05:29, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) ****I personally don't think it needs to be, but who says it needs to be amended? - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 05:44, 20 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments
Alright, I am ready for this to be critiqued for Featured Article status.  Wing   msg 14:32, 25 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Done with Unit's, will do Bac's complaints soon.  Wing   msg 15:09, 26 October 2008 (UTC)

Fixed all of Bac's complaints.  Wing   msg 02:14, 30 October 2008 (UTC)


 * I'll take a look at your corrections tomorrow. On another note, if you're going to put "done" or whatever underneath every objection, please properly format the indentation of your comments. I shouldn't have to do that for you. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 02:28, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Oops, sorry.  Wing   msg 02:35, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

Fixed some more tweaks yesterday.  Wing   msg 22:12, 4 November 2008 (UTC)

Can I get some more feedback, please?  Wing   msg 17:23, 16 November 2008 (UTC)

Alright, will work on Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 00:49, 10 December 2008 (UTC)

Finished Vic's complaints.  Wing   msg 17:49, 14 December 2008 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) Good job with this. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:12, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From the unleashed desk of Drewton:
 * 2) * It's better to use quotation marks rather than the ' symbols for quotes in prose.
 * 3) *"The Death's Tongue Militia placed minimal forces on the planet, and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them, and laid many traps for the Necasians and Sravs." "And" is used twice here.
 * 4) *The image spreading/layout isn't great. You have a lot of images in one spot and then none at all in another. Images could also be slightly larger.
 * 5) *"Although Askar had no interest in the planet of Tahu itself, he didn't" Contractions are unencyclopedic.
 * 6) *"The Necasians, originally being two days march" Add "a" before "two days march".
 * 7) *"The Necasians were the first ones to reach the city, despite the setbacks they'd received" Another contraction.
 * 8) *"Realise" is spelled "realize".
 * 9) *"and such an epidemic wouldn't be seen on Tahu again until" Another contraction. Destroy it.
 * Overall, it's well written, with only a few minor mistakes. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 17:47, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) **Sorted. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  20:04, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) * "With the base in ruins, both sides felt they had dealt a heavy blow to the Death's Tongue Militia. (which they had not)." Looks unprofessional; the words in parantheses should be moved into the main sentence. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:08, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Review…
 * 4) *In the infobox, I recommend/suggest sorting the commanders (from the Commanders section) by surname. As for the outcome, why is it indecisive? I think stalemate is more appropriate; indecisive just means no 'historians' (that's us) can decide who won, rather than just stating it was a stalemate (a tie, no true winners or losers, but equal in gain and loss, basically overall). Well anyway, the rest of the infobox looks good, rather impressive. The former two are simple suggestions or complaints, whatever you wish to call them, but I stand strongly by them.
 * 5) *From the introduction
 * 6) **"attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation and spread terror amongst their civilian populations as a result" Rewrite this, as the lack of comma use may confuse a reader, to "attacked the Necasian Military and Srav Federation, spreading terror amongst their civilian populations as a result"
 * 7) **"tricking both other factions into attacking a decoy base on Tahu which they would disguise as a major base" Two things; first, explain how they tricked the other two factions, and second, instead of saying "which they would disguise as a major base", to keep the flow, change it to "which they disguised as a major base". That keeps it all in past tense.
 * 8) **"and instead goaded the local population into fighting for them" Okay, 'instead' of what? Doesn't sound like instead of anything, so just take it out.
 * 9) **Sentence beginning with "Arriving at the planet" is a run on, please cut it into two, preferably after "by said militants" (that is a good enough sentence there). Too much to swallow at once.
 * 10) *More later. --Victortalk 01:55, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. And I still stand by indecesive because it can be debated which side really won, and none of them really achieved much, so I feel indecesive is the best term. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  16:56, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Then change it to something like "Indecisive, as noted by galactic historians" and then make sure that the article addresses why historians believe it was indecisive (such as in the Legacy section or something). Without proper clarification like that, it looks like author POV. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:22, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  18:52, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Meh, I personally don't care if you leave it as just indecisive if you're set on that. Adding 'considered' or something just gives more redundancy, but again on that, it's your call. Anyway, more review…
 * 1) *Prelude
 * 2) **Can you please properly format and source (meaning writing out website name, image taker, edits done to image, full links to who/what is in image, etc.) the image Hoodmil.jpg please? That'd be proper and rightfully crediting whoever made that original image. Also, try cropping that black line border around the image, please, so it doesn't look funny in the thumbnail. Lastly, that image caption on the image needs a period at the end.
 * 3) **Please split that first large paragraph into two. It's rather chunky and bulking up the already limited space there. A good place to break it into two would be at the sentence starting "Concurrently, Askar Invado, …"; In fact though, it might be good to break it into three paragraphs, with the third one beginning with " Although Askar had no interest…"
 * 4) **"support for itself by distributing food and aid (which it had stolen from other neighbouring worlds)" Instead of parenthesis, use commas please.
 * 5) **"an assault on said base after gaining intelligence on it" I know this is preference, but I really hate 'said base' or 'said character'. Instead, it's simpler and easier for readers if you put 'an assault on the major base after…'
 * 6) **"could arise and removing a base on Tahu." Never use italics, bolding, or any sort of markup within an article. Remove that italics.
 * 7) **"were also ones deemed incompetent or untrustworthy." By who? Otherwise, borderline POV.
 * 8) **"the Srav Federation were also taking an" Srav Federation is singular, so 'were' to 'was'
 * 9) **"thinking they'd only be" No contraction please.
 * 10) **"to depart for Tahu with too little men" 'little' could work better as 'few', although that is borderline POV. Who says it is too little? Instead, say 'too few men to face two factions at once' or something to clear that up.
 * 11) **"the Militia had no idea, at this time," 'this' to 'that', past tense. Also, the part beginning with "the Death's Tongue force was believed…" needs to be a new sentence altogether, and needs a bit of clearer wording to get the message (that they never knew what was coming) clearer, please.
 * 12) *More later. Also I'm unsure who wrote this article, it seems Tom did because of the British English grammar/spelling; I am worried that if Unit edited/wrote this too, we may jump from British to American English, and so I ask that you keep consistency in mind when writing such articles. Unless you're both using British English, of course, but I haven't checked. All I know was that the 'Prelude' was in British English. Anyway, again, more later. --Victortalk 06:59, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) **Done. And just to clarify, we both did roughly half of the article each. I think I put it through an American spellcheck, but I may have missed stuff. Also, for the image, said state does not actually state who took the image. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  15:38, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) *OK. Can you still fix (crop) the image though anyway? And even if there is no name for the artist, still give the name of the website in the link to the source url. More actual review later. --Victortalk 07:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments

 * Awaiting any objections. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  19:45, 9 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Started reviewing this. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 23:23, 24 November 2008 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) I feel that, based on the reviews in the good article nominations, that this is of featured article quality. We also certainly need additional featured articles. - Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:51, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) --Victortalk 01:43, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) From Drewton's holocron:
 * 2) *The second paragraph is written slightly too much in in-universe style, and synopsis should be written in present tense. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 17:57, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
 * While present tense is more appropriate, to be fair there is no rule that says it must be. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 18:00, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Indeed, but it is the standard in all OOU articles on both Wookieepedia and Wikipedia. Call it personal preference if you want, but I don't think this is suitable for a featured article. Though I will leave this as optional to the author, due to there being no rule against it. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 18:03, 26 November 2008 (UTC)

Comments
I have to admit, I was not planning on nominating this for Featured Article. However, some feel it to be of potential FA quality, so I'll have to talk this over with Ryluk next time he gets online. --  Tesh  162  18:29, 26 November 2008 (UTC)

Oppose

 * 1) From the united Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
 * 2) *Just as an introductory note, I certainly hope that the quality of the articles has reviewed since you initially wrote the Battle of Kothlis, or this is going to be another disappointment. I don’t like being disappointed.
 * From the infobox:
 * 1) *In the outcome segment, I think you can be a little more specific and grammatically correct rather than just saying “Lost Ones defeat”.
 * 2) *I may be wrong, but doesn’t a four-way battle indicate that there were four sides that were all fighting each other in a massive one vs. one vs. one vs. one battle? I thought this battle was everyone against the Lost Ones? If so, I think it make more sense to change this to a two-way battle infobox and include all of the non-Lost Ones information under one side to indicate that those three were fighting together AGAINST the Lost Ones.
 * 3) *Given the imaginations of the people involved with Project Cruentus, I think that you can come up with better “strength” and “casualty” statistics than what you have there. My advice? Ask MPK for assistance in generating appropriate numbers of forces and casualties.
 * From the introduction:
 * 1) *“was a battle of the Cruentusian War” - there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but I just feel that it reads awkwardly. I’d write it as “was a battle during the Cruentusian War” or “was a battle that took place during the Cruentusian War”.
 * 2) *When you say “elite Rakata commando group” in reference to the Lost Ones, are you using that as an official description (as if to say, “the Navy Seals are an elite force within the United States Navy”), or is that just an adjective? This isn’t an objection unless it’s the latter, in which case it’s borderline POV. If it’s the former, then disregard this. The same goes for further down where it says “elite Necasian squad”.
 * 3) *Should it be “Rakata commando group” or “Rakatan commando group”? I’d assume the latter, but given that you’re writing in this time period then you might know more than me.
 * 4) *“Necasian hero” is borderline POV, although I see what you mean to say by it. I’d suggest saying “led by Haveer Jarn, who was hailed as a hero by the Necasians”. The same goes for “the Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings” a little further down.
 * 5) *“and both had to reluctantly work with each other” - I would personally say “work with one another”, but it’s up to you. That’s just my preference.
 * 6) *“violent duel” - while I’m sure the duel was violent, that’s pretty much POV. I think just saying a duel would suffice.
 * 7) *“with the combined efforts of the two commando groups” - what about the Zayre? You mention them once in regards to the duel, but then they’re not acknowledged again.
 * 8) *“and the Lost Ones were forced to flee” - it’s never really a good idea to use the word “forced” for something like this, because it implies that they had no other options (which, technically, isn’t true because they could have stayed and fought until the last man was dead). In an encyclopedic article, it shouldn’t be said for certainty that there were no other options, so just saying “and the Lost Ones fled” will suffice. Just as a heads up, to avoid awkward reading, the changing of the wording in the “forced” part necessitates a change in wording in the next part. I would say that the whole part of that sentence should say “and the Lost Ones fled, their temple on the planet having been razed by a Srav nuclear strike”.
 * 9) *Just in the interest of easy reading for everyone, I would suggest changing “razed” to destroyed. Of course I know what that means but, again, not everyone necessarily knows that sort of thing.
 * 10) *More to come later. The overview of the battle in the introduction intrigues me, so if there is an extensive review then hopefully there's a great story to go along with it. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 21:24, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Sorted. Also, it is my personal preference not to have exact figures in infoboxes, but I'll see what I can do. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  17:02, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments
Cruentus's 3rd FAN. Awaiting objections. Unit 8311 Talk!  20:38, 30 November 2008 (UTC)

Approve

 * 1) Approved! --Victortalk 01:22, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) In the last month, I've cast two votes I never thought I'd cast. This is the second. Vic knows the first. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 01:24, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) I think this kind of article is better left as a GA, but it's well done. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:14, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) Review time.
 * 2) * I haven't counted the words in the introduction, but it needs at least 200 and an update based on the new information you have given us.
 * 3) *Ilum
 * 4) **"infiltrated the cave and began laying mines to destroy the cave" Change that second 'cave' to 'it'.
 * 5) **"After constructing Offee's lightsaber" Wait, did her master forge it? If not, then say something like 'After Offee finished constructing her lightsaber' instead. Otherwise, leave as is.
 * 6) **"Not being able to see anything, the Jedi destroyed many of the droids" Eh? How can they kill them without seeing them? Clarify please.
 * 7) **"He immediately arrived to Ilum" Change 'to' to 'at' or change 'arrived' to 'came' instead. One or the other though, not both.
 * 8) **"Later, the two Jedi were rescued by Yoda and the caves were fixed. It was yet another defeat for the Confederacy." Too many 'Laters'. Instead, replace that 'Later' with 'Afterward', and merge those two sentences, replacing that period with a comma instead, and say 'marking yet another defeat...'
 * 9) *Nelvaan
 * 10) **"Grievous made regular visits to the base." Grievous is linked to here, remove it, he is already linked to earlier in the history.
 * 11) **"Skywalker, completing his Trial of Spirit," After completing it? or do you mean this was his trial? Please clarify.
 * 12) **"the fearful Skakoans at the Techo Union" POV, word it differently to say someone believed them to be cowardly or just remove it entirely.
 * 13) **"Taking care of the snow droids, he sliced them in half and destroyed the facility." Second time you said something like 'Taking care of the snow droids', so it sounds really redundant; remove it, and instead say 'After defeating the snow droids, he destroyed the facility' but, also please add context on how he did it at the end of that modified sentence.
 * 14) *That's it for now, it seems, I'll double check the rest again later. Good again, and good use of canon events. :) --Victortalk 06:44, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) *Only new error I found, from Ilum: "from which the Jedi drew his strength" Not sure which you want to say, but if you're going to say 'the Jedi', then put 'their strength' (directly referring to Offee/Unduli); if you're going to generally refer to all Jedi (good context by the way), then put 'from which a Jedi drew (or draws, your choice) his or her strength' (notice the 'a' instead of 'the', and the inclusion of both genders). Also, I must've missed this earlier, from Behind the scenes: "this article was then created." Never refer to things as if we're reading it here on the website. Make it as if you're writing this in an encyclopedia for real, meaning you can't say 'this article'; instead, saying "for general canon information, Tyler (or Darthtyler) then created the article on the Star Wars Fanon wiki" or something like that. Lastly, I would recommend/suggest (not require) two more things: first, that first paragraph in the 'Behind the scenes' could use splitting, it's a bit big. A good place to split it if you choose to is at 'At first, Darthtyler had no idea…' and second, that Offee pic is good, so I would recommend making it a bit larger. That's all, good work. Almost there, tyler. ;) --Victortalk 00:56, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) From the screen of the Solusinator:
 * 17) *Images:
 * 18) **Image:Snow Droid.JPG is not sourced correctly - promotional image for what? A Barbie Movie?
 * 19) **Image:Snow Droid Diado.JPG is not sourced correctly - promotional image for what? And where is the blaster from, specifically?
 * 20) **Image:Clone_snowtrooper.jpg makes the Bts header move over - this is messy
 * 21) ***Personally, I don't see anything messy about that. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 21:52, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 22) *Intro:
 * 23) **They were considered to be very effective and the snow droids were much taller than the other droids. Run-on. Two unrelated facts coupled by just an 'and' is a run-on.
 * 24) **They wore white plating and were capable of handling a handheld blaster and the blaster mounted to their wrist. Run-on. This sentence and the couple before it could be better worded so that the like ideas are grouped together instead of spread out as the author thought of them.
 * 25) *Design:
 * 26) **[...] so that if it's wrist blaster was destroyed in any way, it could pick up the handheld blaster of the secondary infantry unit, the B1 battle droid. Awkward wording. Makes it sound as if the droid is taking the blaster from a nearby B1.
 * 27) **In the opposite situation, a snow droid's blaster would be destroyed, and it would either be able to pick up another one, or use its wrist blaster. Parallelism. The last sentence, which was directly related to this one, was in the subjunctive mood, and so should this.
 * 28) **After many tests and prototypes, Baktoid was able to get all three ideas into one battle droid. Informalish. Though this one doesn't have to be fixed, I thought I'd bring it up. Just because I can be a bit nitpicky.
 * 29) *Performance:
 * 30) **"...and they are able to use both a blaster rifle and a blaster built in." Awkward wording. Though I know it's dialogue and thus doesn't have to be correct, a better wording would be a built-in blaster or a blaster built into its wrist or something like that.
 * 31) **The snow droid was also tested on skills other than just combat. Awkward wording.
 * 32) **The snow droid was also tested on skills other than just combat. Misleading topic sentence. This sentence makes the paragraph sound as if it's going to point out that the SB-3 could do things other than fight, then it goes on to list programming faults.
 * 33) **[...] the snow droid's programming was not as complex and was not spent more time on. Awkward wording. [...] more time on is awkward.
 * 34) **The snow droid could easily forget about a target after it left their visual range. Physics. Droids, as machines, cannot forget. They can ignore, but not forget.
 * 35) *Conception and creation:
 * 36) **However, when they tested the droid on a snowy terrain, they found that the weight of the droid was too much [...] Logic. This cannot be the reason SBDs couldn't work on snow - why would they make the SB-3 heavier when of the same proportions?
 * 37) **However, when they tested the droid on a snowy terrain, they found that the weight of the droid was too much for it to travel through the dense snow. The droid's speed on snow was decreased by about eighty percent. Splice. The second sentence is related to the first, and would sound better if subordinate to it.
 * 38) **The droid had white plating instead of a blue one [...] Agreement. Does not agree in number.
 * 39) **The droid had white plating instead of a blue one, for camouflaging. Word use. "Camouflaging" is a verb.
 * 40) **The droids were accepted into the droid army. Throughout the Clone Wars, both sides often met on ice planets such as Rhen Var, Diado, and others. Awkward phrasing. The first sentence is kind of...blah... and almost rhetorical. Would sound better if made subordinate to the second sentence.
 * 41) **Without the snow droid, the Confederacy, the government that was seceding away from the galaxy-spanning ancient government, the Galactic Republic, would have lost several battles rather than win them. Comma use. The way the commas are spread out is confusing, and the sentence can be taken in several ways. Dashes or complete omission of the unnecessary appositive is in order. After all, you've been dealing with the Confederacy throughout the whole article - why explain what it is now?
 * 42) *Rhen Var:
 * 43) **The icy wasteland planet of Rhen Var held Bravo Base [...] Verb use. "Held" in its transitive form in its closest meanings to this is "to be filled by; contain," "to have and maintain in one's possession," "to maintain control over," or "to be the legal possessor of." None of these make sense in context. A change in wording is necessary.
 * 44) **The icy wasteland planet of Rhen Var held Bravo Base, a base that was home to a very small clone force. The Confederacy saw this as a good target for a massive invasion. Logic. If Rhen Var is an icy wasteland and if there aren't many clones there to decimate, why is it a good target?
 * 45) **They blew up many LAAT/i gunships along the way, heading for the two Jedi, the guardians of justice for the Galactic Republic, sent to the planet POV. "Guardians of peace and justice" is POV. As well, definitions for things like that are generally not included in the article unless it might be fairly foreign in context. Here, it is not.
 * 46) **Soon afterwards, the Republic did take back the planet. When the Republic took it back, many snow droids were destroyed in the Republic invasion. Phrasing. You mention the Republic taking back the planet before you mention the Republic invading it. Did the Republic take it back before invading it?
 * 47) *Ilum:
 * 48) **As the droids took more and more casualties in the war from the Jedi [...] Awkward wording.
 * 49) **Dooku ordered the newly-manufactured cloaking-enabled chameleon droids to destroy the cave with mines. After realizing that the chameleon droids were not powerful enough to hold off any Jedi already in the cave, he sent snow droids to do the actual combat. Logic. Makes Dooku sound like an idiot. He isn't. Surely you can think of a better reason than that for the SB-3s to be there.
 * 50) **[...] the Jedi destroyed many of the droids just by sensing their presence through the Force, the energy field from which a Jedi drew his or her strength. Wordy. The definition for the Force is unnecessary.
 * 51) **[...] the energy field from which a Jedi drew his or her strength. Pronoun usage. "His or her" is a wordy and improper expression. Change to "his."
 * 52) **The snow droids then heard and saw the laserfire and rushed in to stop the Jedi. Wording. I know I'm being nitpicky here, and this doesn't have to be done, but the expression goes "saw and heard."
 * 53) **Many of the snow droids fell to Unduli and Offee's blades [...] Prosey.
 * 54) **[...] but some survived, retreating after much of the cave collapsed from the mine explosions. Word usage. "Mine," when its definition is an explosive device, is a noun.
 * 55) **Later, the Grand Master of the Jedi Order, Jedi Master Yoda [...] Redundant. "Jedi" and "Master" are used more than once too close together.
 * 56) **The snow droids managed to get a few shots out of their blasters before being sliced in half by Yoda's blade. Prosey.
 * 57) **Afterward, the two Jedi were rescued by Yoda and the caves were fixed [...] Awkward wording. "Fixed" is an awkward word to use.
 * 58) *Diado:
 * 59) **[...] the notorious Rattataki Separatist Dark Acolyte apprentice Asajj Ventress [...] Redundant. "Acolyte" and "apprentice" mean the same thing.
 * 60) **[...] the notorious Rattataki Separatist Dark Acolyte apprentice Asajj Ventress [...] Wordy. Can you string any more adjectives together?
 * 61) **[...] Asajj Ventress demanded a starfighter from the Confederate leader, the fallen Jedi Count Dooku. She wanted the starfighter to be equipped with advanced technology. Wordy. The second sentence is unnecessary - just make the first sentence say that she wanted a technologically advanced starfighter.
 * 62) **Dooku soon afterward ordered the production of the new starfighter [...] Splice. the phrase "soon afterward" would be better at the beginning of the sentence.
 * 63) **Dooku soon afterward ordered the production of the new starfighter, the Dark Moon, to be more efficient than her previous Gnivex-class starfighter. Faulty pronoun reference. Makes Dooku sound like a "her."
 * 64) **The prototype of the starfighter went under production right away. Awkward wording.
 * 65) **They immediately surrounded him as soon as they could, after his arrival on Diado. Comma usage. A comma is not needed before the word "after."
 * 66) *I'm taking a break right now. The Solusinator's system is fried. I've been at this for awhile and, when these are addressed, I'll move on. As a side note, it says that the SB-3s helped win battles, and yet in all the examples they lost. Contradiction? I think so. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  17:35, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 67) Hammertime.
 * 68) *For the sake of tidyness, I will try to avoid listing the same problems as my colleagues. You may assume that their issues are my issues unless I specify otherwise.
 * 69) *I recommend removing any and all references to the New Confederacy of Independent Systems, Galactic Droid Empire, Darth Tyler, and Troyb, but this is not mandatory.
 * 70) **Introduction:
 * 71) *"They were considered to be very effective, as the snow droids were much taller than the other droids." - Why is being taller a significant advantage? What does height have to do with advantage, anyway?
 * 72) *"After the universal control signal, the main control signal of all the battle droids on every planet, was disabled, snow droids, like all other droids, were shut down." - I recommend rewriting this sentence. There's too many commas, which makes it slow to read. I suggest removing the words "the universal control signal" (since the article at Wookieepedia doesn't seem to exist anyway) and replacing "all the battle droids on every planet" with "the Confederate droid armies" or some equivalent. Also add a "the" before "snow droids" near the end of that sentence.
 * 73) **Characteristics:
 * 74) *"Grievous ordered a slight variant of the droid for use on frigid terrain." - Change this to "Grievous ordered the development of a droid for use on frigid terrain", or make another appropriate change, because saying that he "ordered a slight varient" makes it sound like a few words are missing or out of place.
 * 75) *"The product was a taller, more efficient droid that carried a blaster." - Not mandatory, but I think having it say "The result" would sound better.
 * 76) *This isn't mandatory, but I recommend removing the quote at the beginning of the "performance" section. There doesn't have to be a quote at the beginning of every section, you know.
 * 77) **History:
 * 78) *The second paragraph of "Conception and creation" says "the droid" too many times. Replacing a few instances of this with "it" or another appropriate change in wording would help the flow of the article.
 * 79) *"The droid had white plating instead of a blue one, for camouflage." - I recommend changing the sentence to "For camouflage, the droid had white plating instead of blue."
 * 80) *I recommend adding some exposition to the "Rhen Var" section; specifically how it relates to the Dark Reaper crisis (that is, the Confederacy's primary reason for attacking it).
 * 81) *I recommend removing the quote at the beginning of the "Diado" section.
 * 82) *Un-capitalize the word "Human" unless it's at the beginning of a sentence.
 * 83) *"Mygeeto was controlled by the Confederacy for a short time before Chancellor Palpatine, the leader of the Galactic Senate and commander-in-chief of the Grand Army of the Republic categorized Mygeeto as one of the "Triad of Evil," a category of planets crucial to Republic victory, along with Felucia and Saleucami." This sentence is far too long. Change the part about Palpatine to simply "Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, commander-in-chief of the Republic Army" or something like that. On second thought, rewrite the sentence so that it doesn't look like you threw Palpatine's life story in the middle of a sentence about Mygeeto.
 * 84) *"However, just as snow droids thought that the battle was turning in their direction, they saw Commander Bacara and the Galactic Marines turn on Mundi and shoot him down. The snow droids had no idea what was happening, and were utterly confused as to why their enemy would destroy their leader." There's not much point in this part of the paragraph, because...
 * Α- The droids don't think about battles turning in their direction. They just follow orders. Their programming doesn't go any further than that; they don't contemplate the grand scale of anything.
 * Β- "had no idea what was happening"; Again, the droids don't contemplate things like that. Organic soldiers would certainly find such an event to be confusing, but the droids wouldn't care.
 * 1) *That is all I have at the moment. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined 21:07, 6 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Part 2 of Solusinator's screen:
 * 3) *General side note: MPK, in the SW universe and on Wookieepedia, "Human" is capitalized because it is the name of a species among many. IRL, it is not because there is only one sentient species. It is not commonly capitalized on SW works, but in the SW fan universe the capitalized "Human" is generally accepted as correct. See here:, last paragraph.
 * 4) *Nelvaan:
 * 5) **Using the native blue canine Nelvaanians as experiments [...] Adjective order. Linked for your convenience.
 * 6) **[...] they researched ways to modify their genetic structure to make them suitable warriors for the Union's use. Faulty pronoun reference. "Their" could mean the Skakoans or the Nelvaanians.
 * 7) **Grievous made regular visits to the base. Unity. Right now, this sentence breaks up the unity of the paragraph and makes a jolting transition to a a new subject. A paragraph break and a rewrite of the sentence would be nice.
 * 8) **However, the Republic began monitoring these visits [...] Usage. "However," which means "in whatever manner or way," "still; nevertheless," and "by whatever means" makes no sense here.
 * 9) **However, the Republic began monitoring these visits and, after connecting theories [...] Awkward wording. In "after connecting theories," "connecting" is an odd verb to use.
 * 10) **Sending Anakin Skywalker, a human Jedi Knight, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, a human Jedi Master and former master of Skywalker, to the planet, they discovered [...] Faulty pronoun reference. "They" who? The children of the corn?
 * 11) **[...] the Separatist base had used so much resources [...] Number. "Much" is a singular quantity, "resources" is plural.
 * 12) **[...] the Separatist base had used so much resources that they had plunged Nelvaan into a continual ice age and that they had taken all of the males from the village. Parallelism.
 * 13) **[...] that they had plunged Nelvaan into a continual ice age and that they had taken all of the males from the village. Unity. The last clause makes no sense stuck on the end of that sentence.
 * 14) **Skywalker, seeing this was an opportunity to complete his Trial of Spirit, began his travel to the Nelvaan base. Mood. This is an opportunity. Opportunity, as a possibility and not immediate reality, should be in the subjunctive mood. Easily changed by changing "was" to "as."
 * 15) **''Meanwhile, the Skakoans at the Techo Union ordered snow droids to be placed along the facility [...]" Clarity. "Along the facility" is unclear. Were they on the perimeter, the roof, the floors...?
 * 16) **''Skywalker followed the directions that the Nelvaanians told him [...]" Tense. What the Nelvaanians told Skywalker occurred before he left, therefore, the verb of that clause should be in the pluperfect tense.
 * 17) **Skywalker followed the directions that the Nelvaanians told him, and eventually found the base. Comma usage. A ", and" should begin an independent clause. "Eventually found the base" is not an independent clause.
 * 18) **The snow droids attacked Skywalker at the last minute, but he was able to destroy all of the snow droids. Redundancy. Use of the phrase "snow droids" so close together is redundant.
 * 19) **Many of the droids retreated to alert the presence of the Jedi Knight. Clarity. So, the droids alerted Anakin's presence? O.o
 * 20) **Many of the droids retreated to alert the presence of the Jedi Knight. Logic. Droids don't need to retreat to report. They have communications systems built into the "commanders."
 * 21) **Skywalker, however, took care of the rest of the snow droids [...] Informal. Not a necessary change, but "took care" is rather informal.
 * 22) **Later, many more snow droids inside the facility attacked Skywalker when he began to free the Nelvaanians. Misplaced modifier. The modifier "inside the facility" could modify where the snow droids came from or where they attacked Skywalker.
 * 23) ***I was going to finish the article but something came up, so I'll get to the rest later. Solusinator out. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  21:59, 8 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 24) Please get rid of that new image down in the Appearances section. It's completely out of place and looks awful there. Images should only be used to support text. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 17:17, 11 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments

 * I think it's good now. I'll do anything I can to make this an FA.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 02:51, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * I'll review this soon. Looks promising with these new sections. :) --Victortalk 04:09, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. One step closer...&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 21:01, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Oh, and the intro is 208 words.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 21:08, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
 * OK, will look soon. --Victortalk 00:31, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * And now I'm finished with your second objections...I'm getting closer to my first real FA...&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 01:15, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the, er, compliment, Brandon. ;)&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 01:27, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Lol. --Victortalk 01:29, 5 December 2008 (UTC)


 * To Solus: some of your objections to my article are asking for me to delete some things I had to add in to get GA. What do I do?&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 21:13, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Also, some of the things you label as "awkward" I don't necessarily see as being awkward.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 21:16, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

I find it funny how Solus never reviews any articles, until now… --Victortalk 22:15, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * What's that supposed to mean...? This was not directed at me, but I still want to know.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 22:16, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

My point is that someone is apparently biased. --Victortalk 22:18, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Ah...then I'll use my first smiley: .&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 22:21, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * What parts make you delete those important things? I'm willing to help you if you inform me. As to the awkward part, I realize that some awkwardness is subjective, so only the ones that are, like, blatantly awkward you have to fix. And, Vic, I understand what you mean, but this doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just did a review on this one because I felt like it. Longer articles I have trouble LBLing, so I figured I'd get back into the swing of it by doing a shorter article. Now that school is letting up, I wanted to better take up my CoS responsibilities. I'm not trying to be biased at all.- Solus  (Bird of Prey)  22:29, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Alright, I trust you. And yes, LBLing long articles can be a hassle, especially if it has chunks of POV and so much bad grammar. I should've LBLed Cos Decarte Paplatine for example for GAN (FAN above), because it is a huge mess, unfortunately. But that's good. :) --Victortalk 22:32, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

The context parts. Like where you say to delete "the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice," that's giving context on what the Jedi are, and I had to have that for GA. And I will fix the blatantly awkward parts, because I will admit that there are some. Oh, and I'll be neutral on the bias thing, I can see both viewpoints.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 22:34, 5 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Per Vic, messes can be fun. You get to be ruthless. Also, in regards to what Tyler just said, I agree. That context in the Jedi one, for example, is necessary. Articles should be written as if no one knows what things are, therefore requiring context even on the most obvious things to us like the Jedi Order. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea  <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 22:35, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Tyler: Oh, okay. Bac: Okay, sorry. I didn't know that, I'll keep that in mind for future reviews. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  22:40, 5 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Okay, I fixed the objections I thought were valid. Some of your objections were, um, "incorrect," I guess. For example, you said the sentence "They were considered to be more effective and were much taller than other droids" was a run-on. That is not a run-on, because it is joined by the conjunction "and." It would be a run-on if it was "They were considered to be more effective they were much taller than other droids." See?&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 22:56, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

No, that was a run-on. You changed it. It was "They were considered to be very effective and the snow droids were much taller than the other droids." Those are two completely separate ideas, what could be two sentences, should be connected by either a ";" or a ", and". Just saying "and" doesn't cut it. I don't mind helping you, but don't insult my knowledge of English, please. It's fine now, but the way it used to be was incorrect. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  23:16, 5 December 2008 (UTC)


 * On the way it was before I changed it, it was still not a run-on. I just didn't type the comma, accidentally.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

To be fair, Tyler, just because you accidently forgot a comma doesn't mean the sentence is magically not a run-on. If there is no comma then it is a run-on sentence, regardless of whether the comma was forgotten accidently. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 23:36, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Well, I guess you and Solus are right. It was a run-on, though not a normal one (normal being having no conjunction whatsoever).&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:39, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Conjunction doesn't guarantee something isn't a run-on though, so keep that in mind my friend. ;) --Victortalk 23:43, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

I'm running preliminary reconnaissance of this article, which means that I've just started reading it. I intend to have a review prepared soon. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined


 * The conversation that follows has been moved to the FAN talk page. - <font color="#1A2BBB">Brandon Rhea <font color="#1A2BBB">(talk) <font color="#1A2BBB">(contribs) 03:47, 9 December 2008 (UTC)

Objections

 * 1) I was wondering when this would be renominated. :)
 * 2) *Infobox
 * 3) **Link to Human.
 * 4) **We use metric system, so 6'3" is 1.905 meters in height. Replace it with that.
 * 5) **For the hair color, I recommend something like 'Gray (originally brown)' since it was last gray.
 * 6) **Eras need to be corrected, assuming you're going by canon eras. They would be 'Rise of the Empire era', 'Rebellion era', and then 'Legacy era'. Notice 'era' is not capitalized, and they need to be arranged in a list format, whether it be with bullet points (*) or with line breaks
 * 7) *Behind the scenes
 * 8) **I'd recommend using your full name as opposed to just your username, so you could refer to yourself in the third person as 'Greenwood', rather than Riff. I would also highly recommend expanding the BTS as it is. More on the development, inspirations, etc. for the character and his story and whatever other behind the scenes stuff you might wish to include.
 * 9) *Categories
 * 10) **I'd recommend alphabetizing your categories. Not required. However, you are missing the species and gender category. Just because he is a cyborg doesn't mean he is no longer a human or a male.
 * 11) *More to come later .--Victortalk 20:38, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) Here's what I could find:
 * 13) *He hoped that his son would find a way to escape the horrors of war by becoming an architect or a dentis...horrors of war is POV. War is not horrofic for a sadist or a mentally disturbed person, but still POV.
 * 14) *Around the age of six, Aurelius secretly accessed holofiles on the greatest battles of the last few millenia in the galaxy and hid them as soon as his parents were nearby....change to 'what were considered the greatest battles' to be safe.
 * 15) *He became quite strong at the pastime,...more POV.
 * 16) *the gritty news of the HoloNet....'gritty' is bordlerline POV. And you should clarify this statement, unless the sports or financial news were gritty as well.
 * 17) *Aurelius Tempest was present during the Erhynradd Massacre...context on what the Erhynradd massacre is.
 * 18) *Tempest wanted to get a look at the Empire's newest toy...either put 'newest toys' in quotation marks like that or replace it.
 * 19) *Tempest was lucky to not have been so close to docking...'lucky' is POV. 'He considered himself lucky', change it to.
 * 20) *I'd also recommend you put the quote in 'military career' to the top of the section.
 * 21) *In the end, the victors were the Imperials; first payback was bittersweet., POV and should be rewritten, as it doesn't make too much sense to me.
 * 22) *their caskets covered up due to the horrendous mutilation...'horrendous' is POV.
 * 23) *Night after night, he would feel attacked, like millions of zenji needles were prodding his body,...prosey. Rewrite.
 * 24) *The only way to deal with his pain was to escape from the facility and to find his family's murderers....more POV.
 * 25) *By the time the securities searched the skies for him...the securities what?
 * 26) *Each time, the murders were more extravagant and could only indicate that the next one would be even bigger....POV
 * 27) *purchase a ship that had good range in firepower....POV, and good range doesn't go with firepower.
 * 28) *The ship would be the pinnacle of his revenge...POV
 * 29) *The machine worked beautifully...POV
 * 30) *He was to the book...reword
 * 31) *a wise move considering they had caught the galaxy in a time...'wise move' is POV
 * 32) *BTS could be expanded a bit.
 * 33) *To conclude, interesting story, but in technical terms the article is a bit behind. Not a fan of the images either, but I'm not holding that against the article. Not a shabby job. Unit 8311 [[Image:1110 Big small.jpg|20px]] Talk!  21:22, 22 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments

 * Renomination of article after it was demoted to Former Featured Status in August 2008. It has been updated to Ataru's wishes per his list of changes, mostly POV and Prose fixes. --  Riffsyphon  1024 13:23, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * All given instances given by Victor and Unit 8311 fixed/corrected/rewritten. --  Riffsyphon  1024 05:10, 23 December 2008 (UTC)