HP:Daklif Ordo

This is the review page for Daklif Ordo.

Objections

 * 1) The flies in the buttermilk:
 * 2) * Borderline Mary Sue.
 * I disagree. He was a warlord, but his ambitious was crushed through a single defeat. He has his weaknesses, which I can expand on. Yoda, Anakin, Starkiller, Grievous, Palpatine are all extreme Mary-Sues. Not that any fanon articles can be that Mary-Sue, but still. This is his backstory which I've been planning using for my series. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * That's why I said borderline. I'm not going to oppose the article because of some Mary Sue qualities. But the that fact that he is a warlord, in and of itself, gains the articles some MS points. Moreover, the fact that he has his own army that takes on galactic governments is also a bit Mary Suey. Granted, this articles is better than some. Just some things to keep in mind.
 * 1) * Rise of the Empire era is OOU. It’s like saying that he was in the Attack of the Clones.
 * Fixed. That was a silly mistake. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * “Before leaving, they set detonators on the ship, followed the explosion of the main Republic flagship.” Um…something’s missing here.
 * Slightly confusing, but I previously said "Ordo and his men boarded and sabotaged the Stoic's Joke, the flagship of Condular's governor, while another group boarded a Republic ship". It's redundant to repeat that. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Okay, but "followed the explosion" isn't right.
 * 1) * “He single-handedly defeated two Jedi and organized an attack on a Republic and organized an attack on an ancient Jedi temple on Yavin 4, gaining him a reputation of a ruthless warlord” First off, if he’s going to do something incredible like single-handedly killing two Jedi, I’d prefer if you at least provide us with some details as to how he accomplished such a feat. Secondly, it should be the Republic, not a Republic. I’m assuming that’s a typo. Thirdly, you use the words organized and attacked almost back-to-back. Try mixing up the wording a bit.
 * "A" Republic is a mistake, which is now fixed. I'll see about adding more detail. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * “The remaining details of the battle are unknown…” Tense.
 * It actually isn't a problem in this particular case. Look at articles such as . "It is likely that Palpatine's reassurances also had the effect of perpetuating Anakin's lack of control."
 * 1) * “…he found himself wondering what purpose all of the violence they had caused was for.” The for shouldn’t be there.
 * Fixed. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *“A huge battle ensued, and while the Mandalorians fought valiantly, many of them died.” Valiantly is a bit POV.
 * 2) *“…half of which were almost already dead.” That sounds kind of awkward. Maybe you could take away the already or saying, “half of which were almost dead already.”
 * 3) * “Daklif had reason to suspect that the Nockudumey Terrorists would capture the Drewtons, which possible came from Jango Fett's holocron.” Do you mean possible?
 * Fixed. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) * “In order to have a change at revenge against the terrorists,” Change should be chance.
 * Fixed. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *The whole article could stand for a bit of expansion. Start by fleshing out some of the character’s motives. Why does he want to take down the Nockudumey? Why did you go looking for information about Jango Fett?
 * I'll explain his reasons for taking down the Nockudumey, but his intentions for Jango Fett's information was clear in the article: his article contained the location of many surviving Mandalorians. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 20:22, 18 August 2008 (UTC)

Comments

 * I'll take a look at this later. --[[Image:Darthtomsig.png|163px]] (talk) (contributions) 14:44, 20 August 2008 (UTC)