User:MPK

"This is a disgusting and shocking new feature which I refuse to use and have any sort of interaction with. Why are we forced to have this feature? I'll be speaking with [somebody] about asking us [what] we want in future, as I sure as hell do not."

- Darth tom on Nazi gas chambers

Welcome to the userpage of MPK. I would tell you about myself, but I like to let my work speak for me, because lots of words speak more than words.

Current Status
"Sometimes I feel like I've spent my entire life digging for gold in a septic tank."

- Benjamin "Yahtzee" Croshaw

Nothing else to report. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined 16:51, 13 November 2008 (UTC)

MPK in your galaxy as I see it
"It is possible that I may, someday, laugh again, when I've got well away from this house of terror, but there's a fat chance of my doing so at this early date."

- Bertram Wooster

"Besides, if he [Palpatine] wanted him [Starkiller] to just scream, he has hands that can bitch slap you with lightning. Why use a needle?"

- TheVampireChad of YouTube.com "Palpatine's plan was indeed to have Luke replace Vader. Vader intended to turn Luke and destroy the Emperor alongside him. Whenever they speak of him, they always speak of turning him to the dark side, never fully making him a Sith (indeed, the word sith is never spoken in the entire OT.) Granted, both of them probably knew each other's intent, since it is the way of the Sith to betray one another, and vader was actually expected to try and kill Palpatine and replace him. Their conversations about turning Luke are idle pleasantries in which both of them are likely thinking 'I'll kill you first, you son of a bitch.'"

- Darksider of StarDestroyer.net "Oh, there are editors in place. But they're obsessed towards meaningless fanboy minutia, not actual quality control. Paraphrasing Lord Poe, 'keep every stupid thing, throw nothing out.' And Traviss seems to get a pass even on the minutia part, as YodaKenobi pointed out QUITE a few errors (Jedi never fighting lightsaber-resistant enemies, Jedi handing over Mandalore to the Vong, [and] Boba's completely fabricated history as a famed Jedi-killer). I guaran-f***ing-tee that George Lucas didn't hear a peep about the ridiculous alternate-universe fanfic that Traviss was writing into this book. I usually don't come down that hard on him for continuity, because he's old, wants to live his life, and has movies to take care of. I blame it on the people he delegates to. But at some point, it just gets ridiculous. I would at least make sure that my creation wasn't violated on some basic level, like not having the Jedi (the true core of the saga, not the f***ing Mandos) being portrayed as a bunch of idiotic and useless elitist assholes."

- Jim Raynor of StarDestroyer.net "I'd rather sell my eye-teeth on eBay than have this template changed, because I use my fame and influence on this web site to measure my worth as a human being."

- MPK "WHAT? Dooku wanting to bring down the republic because he had to kill a bunch of amoral mercenaries? How the f*** does Traviss' shit get past the f***ing radar? This completly [sic] clashes with the portrayal of Dooku in Yoda: Dark Rendezvous and oh, I don't know, the f***ing movies. I am getting so sick of traviss' horseshit. Someone needs to fire the bitch, right the f*** now."

- Darksider of StarDestroyer.net "[This is [t]he real gem, though: 'Clones are not blindly obedient!' I suppose Traviss did not watch the Battle of Geonosis scene in AotC, where the clones marched straight into the meat grinder like [toy soldiers]. That's not discipline; [that's] suicide. They would fill a canyon with their own bodies if a Jedi told them to."

- Darth Hoth of StarDestroyer.net, referring to the machinations of Karen Travesty "You have NO IDEA what kind of physical toll that three vasectomies can have on a person!!"

- Micheal Scott

"Of course that would not only require effort, but also being in a position to get such an article published. Pretty tough, but goddamn it would piss him off. And I would laugh. Laugh from my computer chair."

- Fredescu of the SomethingAwful Forums

"People naturally fear the unknown. If you are the unknown, then they will fear you, whether they admit it or not."

- MPK


 * Krayt: "Andeddu, Nihilus, and Bane, Lords of the Sith, I need your help. I'm like a hundred and forty-something years old and my Vong Lobster Armor is doing... something to make it worse. Lord Nihilus, you escaped death by containing your consciousness within your armor. How?!?"
 * Nihilus: "Bane, what the f*** is this guy talking about? 'How did I escape death?' I'm a F***ING GHOST. Does it LOOK like I escaped death?"
 * Krayt: "What did he say?"
 * Andeddu: "He said that you suck."
 * Bane: "You don't deserve our help, Krayt! You led the Sith away from the Rule of Two. Sith are everywhere in the galaxy now, and our order is a twisted perversion of the Jedi, the enemy we supposedly stand against! You remind me of that f***head, Kaan."
 * Krayt: "Hey, jackass: which of us destroyed the Jedi and now controls the galaxy? You or me?"
 * Andeddu: "Oh, like nobody's ever done that before. Ever hear of Palpatine, brainiac?"
 * Krayt: "What about Palpatine? He was a cop-out - he was killed by his own apprentice."
 * Nihilus: "Seriously, though: Where the hell did this guy get the idea that I wear armor, anyway?"
 * Bane: "His apprentice had nothing to do with it. Palpatine at least followed the rules, while you, my friend, have made a mockery of the Sith legacy by abandoning its most fundamental teachings."
 * Andeddu: "This bitch wants us to help him get out of his armor! Nay, I say, let it consume him! "
 * Krayt (turning into actual Krayt Dragon thing): "What are you doing!? Stop this!! I COMMAND YOU!!"
 * Nihilus: "Spunky little fellow, aren't you? Listen, pal, If I weren't a hologram, or ghost, or whatever the f*** I am I'd eat you for breakfast."
 * Andeddu: "You can't command us, Krayt! You are an imposter! You have defied the principles of the Sith and doomed us to ignorance and decay. For that, this is your destiny!"
 * Krayt (now a total Krayt Dragon thing): "You would betray your own successors? The Empire will fall without me!"
 * Bane: "The Empire is already doomed because of you, Krayt. You have-."
 * Nihilus: "Hold it, I think he's starting to reverse the effects."
 * Krayt (returning to normal): "No, this is not my destiny! I will prevail, without your help! I don't need this humiliation!"
 * Andeddu: "Damn. That "Turn into Krayt Dragon" trick almost always works."
 * Krayt (back to normal): " If you won't help me, then BEGONE! How do you like me NOW, old timers? "
 * Andeddu: "Hey, who's the one who came to Korriban to wake us up in the first place? YOU leave."
 * Krayt: "Fine, I don't need any more of this. Once I've finally crushed the last Remnants of the Jedi and their Republic, then we'll see how great and useful your Rule of Two was."
 * Bane: "It worked, didn't it? Now that you've broken the rule, however, you've broken the Sith."
 * Krayt: "In time, Bane, you will see that sometimes things must be broken in order to be rebuilt. I have broken the Sith, so that I may rebuild it."
 * Nihilus: "Your face needs to be broken so it can be rebuilt."
 * Bane: "Just get out."
 * (Krayt leaves)
 * Andeddu: "There goes a stupid, stupid man."
 * Nihilus: "What's for breakfast?"
 * &mdash; Star Wars: Legacy

"I'm not a loser; I just haven't won yet."

- MPK

"Surprise! Like who doesn't own an interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle!?"

- Dr. Clayton Forrester

Dark Empire
My opinion (seen below) of starwars:Dark Empire, starwars:Dark Empire II, and starwars:Empire's End is extracted from a post on Lucasforums.com.

1. The insane force powers. Luke Skywalker deflects canon fire from an starwars:AT-AT with the force, and then crushes the damned thing on his own. Palpatine uses "force storms" to destroy entire fleets (gee, wouldn't that have been handy during the Battle of Endor?).

2. It follows the plot device entitled "When in doubt, resurrect the old main villain".

3. Palpatine returning and reunifying the Empire with a gigantic amount of overpowered ships and superweapons in practically the blink of an eye completely destroys the sense that the heroes ever accomplished anything in Episode 6. It's even lamer that he can resurrect himself over and over with the clone bodies junk.

4. The drawing style almost put Chuck Norris into a coma when he tried to read it (true story).

5. The unneeded load of overpowered superweapons that Palpatine whips up like popcorn. The best example is, of course, the "starwars:Galaxy Gun", which is basically the concept of the Death Star, but on enough crack and steroids to run a smuggling ring with.

6. Palpatine becomes an absolute idiot in Dark Empire. The idea that he would seriously want Luke as an apprentice after Episode 6 is an insult to his character. He himself saw firsthand that Luke's family has a history of treachery. Why would he take such a chance again when he really doesn't need to?

7. Palpatine acts like gigantic flaming moron throughout Dark Empire, but the magnitude of his idiocy doesn't hit full force until the climax, where he decides that his best course of action is (in order to escape death from his current degenerating body) to transfer his mind into the body of an infant. Just what the hell was he thinking?

New Jedi Order
I have only a few things to say on this. First of all, they followed the cliché that there should always be an ultra-uber-1337 enemy introduced to fight the good guys. What was wrong with the Imperial Remnant? Why did they have to replace it with a bunch of poorly contrived bug-like humanoids? And what's with this B.S. about them being outside the force? There's no good reason for it.

NJO paints the Jedi as super-ultra powerful, with ridiculous powers like "emerald lightning" which kills people instantly, using the force to fly around like Superman, ect. As if that wasn't bad enough, the NJO series spawned the horrid creation known as Star Wars: Legacy. So the Sith have returned again with another empire. And there's this off-spring of Luke Skywalker. I wonder if he will eventually end his rejection of the Jedi and rediscover his legacy. Nahhh, they wouldn't do that. Essentially, Legacy is what happened when they decided to spend a few years pissing on Star Wars canon with the NJO (among other things); after they were done, someone said "Whoops! Missed a spot!"

Black Armor: An Editorial on Dark Troopers
starwars:Star Wars: Dark Forces, the first game in the Jedi Knight series, put the player in the shoes of a rebel agent named starwars:Kyle Katarn in his battle against a secret weapon being developed by the starwars:Galactic Empire. Although technologically a primitive game by modern standards, Dark Forces is a great FPS game and I highly recommend it to anyone who doesn't already have it. It even has a modding community to this very day, even though it's over a decade old. Now that is saying something.

Dark Forces was made back in what many people view as the Golden Age of Lucasarts— back when they always made their own games, when they almost always kicked ass, and when they weren't always Star Wars games. Other products of the Golden Age include adventure games such as Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis and TIE Fighter, the second in a series of fighter simulation games and the only game in the entire Star Wars license which I believe beats starwars:KOTOR 2 hands-down. Of course, at this point I'm sure I appear to be rambling on about "the good ol' days", which is true, but believe it or not, this is relevent to the topic that this section is devoted to. The point I'm trying to make here is that back when Dark Forces was made, Star Wars was in many ways a lot more consistent with itself than it is now. You'll see what I mean in a minute. starwars:Dark troopers were first introduced to canon in the game Dark Forces as a project run by an Imperial general named starwars:Rom Mohc, to develop starwars:battle droids for the Empire to use to reinforce their starwars:stormtrooper ranks. Dark troopers came in three phases. The first was thin and skeletal in appearance, armed with a shield on one arm to deflect laser fire, and a vibroblade on the other arm. I suppose they would be effective in close-quarters, but I'm kind of surprised at how little similarity it has to the other kinds. Anyway, Phase II dark troopers were designed to look similar to actual stormtroopers, but larger and with armor that was darker in color (kind of surprising, considering the name). The Phase IIs were heavily armored, capable of flight with jetpacks built into them, and armed with starwars:assault cannons specifically designed for the droid to use. A small amount of Phase II troopers decimated a rebel base on the planet starwars:Talay, and it's a small wonder. Although not invulnerable, dark trooper armor was capable of taking heavy punishment from small-arms fire, and their assault cannons were capable of killing people in one shot. It is also evident that the dark troopers could be used to combat vehicles, since the assault cannon also possessed a rocket launcher. Needless to say, a single dark trooper would easily be enough to f*** up quite a lot of rebel scum.

The Phase III dark trooper is a fricking beast. Imagine Mr. T, but encased in POWER steel. The Phase III is nearly identical in appearance to the Phase II, but the main difference in the design is the high quantity of steroids used in the droid's construction and operation. To be more accurate, it's actually a POWER suit that a person climbs into, rather than a droid, with a jetpack and an assault cannon with four barrels. Forget the above comparisons; that's easily worth two Mr. Ts.

All right, that's enough. Chances are, anyone who's ever heard of Dark Forces already knows all that stuff I just recited. Why did I recite it? Well, the reason is to point out what has happened to dark troopers since Dark Forces game out in 1995. The thing is that they changed. They were brought back after the project's total destruction in Dark Forces with no explanation and with almost no resemblances.

If I recall correctly, the first incorrect appearance of Dark troopers is in Star Wars: Battlefront. While they do have the properly colored armor as well as jetpacks, the DTs in Battlefront don't really have any other similarities. They don't have the assault cannons or heavy armor they should have. Sure, I know it might be for gameplay purposes, but if they weren't going to do it right, then they shouldn't have at all. Although it's only loosely faithful to its original appearance (with them not only being substantially weaker but not even being droids), the dark trooper in Battlefront can be argued to be the most faithful to the original than any other portrayal.

Now we move on to the dark troopers as seen in the infamous Star Wars: Galaxies. I'm actually not sure which one came first (Battlefront or Galaxies), but I suspect they happened around the same time. Anyway, in the days before the Combat Upgrade, I remember walking around Bestine (a city on Tatooine), and in addition to the regular patrols of stormtroopers (along with ridiculously out-of-place starwars:storm commandos), I see these weird-looking troopers walking around, with significantly different helmets, among other things. Since my in-game options were set to only show NPCs' names rather than what they were (I was unaware of this at the time), all I knew what that he was RAR-095 (or whatever). That left me to wonder what the hell they were. I often thought that they were actually wookies in special stormtrooper armor, but that still didn't make any damn sense.

It was not until some time later that I realized that RAR-095 was a starwars:Triumphant-class dark trooper. This didn't make any sense, so I looked them up at the only place which seemed to have a shred of information: Wookieepedia.

"The Triumphant-class dark trooper was a variant of the dark trooper, a deadly next-generation stormtrooper/battle droid used by the Galactic Empire. In 1.5 ABY, a unit of Triumphant-class dark troopers escorted Darth Vader aboard his shuttle ST321 during the operations Molecular Clamp, Sieve, Green Light, and Take Down in the cities of Bestine on Tatooine, Coronet City on Corellia, and Theed on Naboo."

- Wookieepedia

So, in other words, they're dark troopers. That tells me a lot. As you can see from the images, these dark troopers bear no resemblance whatsoever to the ones seen in Dark Forces. They don't even have the right colored armor! This is just like in Battlefront, where the only reason they put the dark troopers in was so that there would be dark troopers, no matter how different they are. Since SWG is the only place where these types of dark troopers appear, there is no information anywhere as to what sort of combat role they have, what weaponry they used, where they came from, or why they were made. I've never really seen a dark trooper in SWG use the same weapon twice. I've seen them use anything from carbines to rifles, and even batons. As if Galaxies wasn't confusing enough, they have to introduce three types that look the exact same: the Triumphant-class, Exogen-class, and Glory-class. There is no information on any of these, either. According to the redlinks at Wookieepedia, there's also Oppressor 9, Oppressor 7, and Victory-class troopers as well.

That's not all, either. There's also Black hole dark troopers and dark novatroopers (pictured). The Black hole dark troopers are (as the name suggests) probably supposed to have something to do with the starwars:Shadow stormtroopers (nicknamed Black hole troopers), which, although they're kind of cool, also have no information pertaining to what they specialize in. The actual function of the Black Hole stormtroopers is already ambiguous and confusing enough, but this is just overkill. The dark novatroopers are probably supposed to be related somehow to the starwars:Novatroopers, but I haven't a clue what their role in relation to them is. I don't even know what the hell the regular novatroopers do. There's just as little information about the novatroopers as there is about these dark troopers.

Well, at least they're starting to get the color right. I guess the word dark in the phrase dark trooper wasn't enough for them to immediately catch on. The last dark trooper "variant" in Star Wars: Galaxies is the "starwars:Inquisitorium dark trooper", which I guess is intended to be related to the starwars:Inquisitorius in some way. Again, it's never explained how; they're just there, sticking out like a sore thumb. Inquisitorium dark troopers are easily the stupidest of the SWG variants, due mostly in part to two factors. The first is that they carry double-bladed lightsabers, and the second is that their general appearance looks like it was modeled on what would happen if starwars:Darth Vader spent the last twenty years squatted in a chair in front of a television drinking beer and scarfing KFC. That's the dynamic duo of Lucasarts and SOE for you.

The last appearance of dark troopers that I am aware of (so far) is the ones seen in Empire at War: Forces of Corruption. When I first heard that not only would they be in the game, but also they would have the three phases, I thought for a while that Lucasarts had wised up and that would this time around, they would actually figure out what the f*** a dark trooper looked like before they put it in a game.

As it turned out, they got the dark troopers in FoC about 39% right. While the Phase I had basically the same weaponry that it was supposed to do, the appearance didn't really match what there was in Dark Forces. Not at all, in fact. It's like they just read a description of what they were instead of actually looking at them. Either that, or they went with the bogus illustration from the New Essential Guide to Droids, which appears to be identical. The thing isn't even properly colored, either. The Phase II in Forces of Corruption was, to my disgust and bewilderment, extremely similar to the ones from Galaxies. The things are even white. There are some minor differences in the helmet, among other things, but that's it. They don't even give them the assault cannons, but instead some weirdo-chaingun thing. Interestingly enough, the FoC appearance matches that of the New Essential Guide to Droids. What were they thinking? Is it too much to ask for some consistency?

While the Phase III in FoC is (out of the three) probably the most faithful to the originals, it isn't by much. They got the color half-right, by having it black instead of white, when it's supposed to be dark gray. Instead of the assault cannon, it has wrist-mounted lasers. And yet, the thing moves slower than molasses for no apparent reason. Upon closer inspection, it really doesn't resemble the original Phase III from Dark Forces that much except for the color.

What exactly is Lucasarts' problem with this? How is it so hard to get a screenshot from Dark Forces to see what dark troopers look like, rather than fumbling around in the dark without even caring if you find what you're looking for? So much for continuity. I guess it'll be answered in another canon source (such as Leeland Chee's blog) soon enough.

Coruscant Theta B12A3
''The following are a series of documents discovered in the personal quarters of Jedi Master Michael Kar'Dess at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, circa four years after the Battle of Rakata Prime. They appear to be zeroxed copies of several hand-written letters that Kar'Dess sent to Vrook Lamar, a Master on Dantooine. After their discovery, I took the documents back to the Exchange facility on Telos, where they will eventually be filed into the records under the file Theta B12A3 for our Coruscant Reconnaissance assignment.''

First Letter, Dated 9-21-10
Dear Master Vrook:

I am Jedi Master Micheal Kar'Dess. You may or may not remember me, I only got onto the High Council a few days ago. Just wanted to let you and the masters at the Dantooine Academy know how things are going around here. I don't know about the rest of the High Council, but this Temple here on Coruscant is freaking awesome. I mean, the place is gigantic. Have you ever been here? This building has got to be at least a kilometre high. The views from up here are stunning. You can literally see millions of things going on at once from up here.

It's also got great central heating, not to mention restroom facilities. And the personal quarters. Damn, the personal quarters made me feel like an Onderonian king. The first thought that came into my head after seeing my bed was "Wow, I could fit at least two more people in here!" The food's good, too. I don't mean to brag, but the Four-Star Hotels I've seen on Zeltros and Ryloth pale in comparison to this place in almost every way.

Pretty much the only complaint I have is about the seating at the Council Chamber. The chairs are constructed out of cold, hard metal, and I can't even keep my arse situated while we're in session. To be honest, I'd rather sit on the floor. Atris said that the seats are designed to keep us awake so we're better able concentrate on the matters at hand, but I have no doubt that she was lying straight through her teeth.

"Better able to concentrate?" Those things are so damn slippery that I go flying off if I so much as bat an eye. As soon as I finish writing this letter I'm going to send a petition for more comfortable seating. I think it would really make a difference. Atris and the others are very uptight, and their chairs seem to follow that principle. I say why sit around and act like cranky old people who are forced into a job they don't want to do? That's what they act like. I say we need comfortable recliners. We could get enough for the entire council for only a few hundred credits. I can't think very well unless I'm comfortable. And to be comfortable I need a cushion under me and a chair that can recline. A drink holder on the armrest would be pretty good as well.

Pretty much the only other person on the Council who isn't as sedate as a bunch of people at a funeral is Zez-Kai Ell. He's a bit of a skinny bloke with a 'stache large enough to conceal a battalion of Republic troops, but other than that he's a good fellow to be around. Tries to loosen things up with a joke or two during Council meetings.

My boss is Nomi Sunrider, the Grandmaster of the Order (for some reason Atris and Vash get edgey whenever I say her last name, like it's a taboo word or something). While she's not exactly "mellow" (as Kai Ell puts it), she's still noticably more understanding and tolerant of enjoyment in the workplace.

It probably has something to do with that humongous rack of hers. That must be why Atris and Vash don't like having her around.

Sincerely, Jedi Master Machael Kar'Dess

Second Letter, Dated 10-13-10
Dear Master Vrook:

We just got some breaking news. It turns out that Darth Malak is dead and the entire Sith Empire is in disarray! Turns out that a band of random people scattered from across the galaxy are the ones who did it. It's crazy, but not as crazy as the fact that their leader was Revan. I remember seeing that on the news and I was so shocked I vomited my bloody soda across the room. It turns out that somehow Darth Revan was redeemed and became a Jedi again.

All right, all right. No more pretending, since you were there when I and the rest of the Council reprogrammed Revan's brain to fight for us. Now that I think of it, if you and Vandar are on the High Council then why don't you hang out with the rest of us at the Coruscant temple? I heard that you guys over there at Dantooine don't even have a Council room.

Anyway, Master Sunride- err, Nomi, is in high spirits (still no luck with getting into her pants, though). Kavar and the others are in a good mood, too. I was pretty ecstatic about this whole "Malak Dead, Sith Defeated" business, so I suggested to the rest of the Council that we hit a few bars in the Coruscant Red Sector. To my disappointment, the Council voted my idea down by a four-to-two margin.

What the bloody hell is wrong with them? What sort of rotten madness is this? We've just won the Jedi Civil War and they don't want to celebrate at all! I say bullocks to that. As for why Master Sunrider, of all people, would not want to engage in such an enjoyable enterprise, I haven't the foggiest idea.

Ah, well. At least there's the nightly sabacc game.

I never would have guessed that the individuals that were following Revan around would end up being the ones saving the Republic. It doesn't make any bloody sense. According to the reports, Revan had tagging along with her a wookie, a Mandalorian, a senile old man, an assassin droid, a useless utility droid, some twi'lek tramp she picked up off the street, a freaky cat person, and a "whiney soldier brat". Who could possibly anticipate all the shit that they would end up destroying? There's also that Bastila chick we sent to make sure Revan didn't go insane or something. Turns out they hooked up instead.

I asked the rest of the Council if we'll need to kick her out of the Order because of that, but none of them could make up their minds. Literally. Not any one of them decided on their opinion for long. It kept alternating.

I think something's wrong with Kavar and the others. I'm bringing Corellian Ale to our sabacc game tonight, whether they want it or not.

Sincerely, Jedi Master Micheal Kar'Dess

Third Letter, Dated 4-04-11
Dear Master Vrook:

I was just wondering what you masters over at the Dantooine Enclave do in your free time. Here at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, the rest of the Council members and I have a friendly game of sabacc on Friday nights (and others if we have time). On Tuesday afternoons we have a pole-vaulting contest, followed by square-dancing. I was wondering if you or the other Jedi at the Enclave do anything like that. Maybe I'll visit sometime.

How many apprentices have you trained? I've gone through about thirteen total. They can be tough little buggers to work with, but it's worth it in the end. Now that I think of it, I don't really remember how many years I've been a Jedi at all. In fact I don't seem to remember what year I was born. Makes you wonder how I got into the order in the first place, doesn't it?

I guess it doesn't matter. Believe it or not, Kavar says I look to be in my thirties.

Anyway, back on topic, how many apprentices have you trained? Atris won't tell me anything about herself, Vash and Kai Ell haven't trained anybody as far as I know, and Kavar has trained two people. I didn't bother asking Nomi, since I already knew the answer. Since there's nobody else to submit this question to, I'd like your opinion on why I've trained so many more than the others. According to the Council, I'm also due to get two more Padawans before the end of the month. It's not something they asked me about. They just went up and said that I was getting two apprentices. Not to say that I don't enjoy training Jedi. It can be quite an interesting experience, but I'm not one who enjoys being surprised with extra responsibilities. It's rather thick, if you ask me.

I heard that Revan is leading a Republic task force to Korriban to search for any remaining Sith Lords. I wish Master Sunrider would let me go with them.

Sincerely, Jedi Master Micheal Kar'Dess

Fourth Letter, Dated 5-22-11
Dear Master Vrook: I'm writing because there is a serious problem with my two Padawans (Lannah Draav and Ketha Ferran, perhaps you've heard of their shenanigans). I'm not an inexperienced Jedi. As you know, I've trained about thirteen students total, but these two current ones are not like any others I've even heard of before. Since I started training them I had known that Lannah and Ketha had a close friendship. At first I thought nothing of it, since it's common for such bonds to be formed when two padawans are being trained together, and except for the occasional prank or mildly inappropriate joke, the girls seemed rather well-focused on following the path of becoming formidable Jedi. With that in mind, you can imagine the total surprise I felt last Tuesday. It started out as just another ordinary day at the Coruscant Jedi Temple. Per usual, I sprang out of bed at 5:20 A.M. so I can grab breakfast quickly and get most of my assigned chores (emptying the trash, ect.) done before any of the other masters are even awake. It just gives me a sense of accomplishment when I'm up before everyone else. Anyway, I got up at 5:20 and got through breakfast without incident. However, I felt a need to break up the routine a bit, so instead of stopping to chat with the other masters at 6:30, I grabbed a Dr. Pepper and headed for the training room (which was deserted as usual this early in the morning) to brush up on my lightsaber skills. After a few minutes, I tried attempted a saber throw on a holographic target. My saber hit the far wall, hilt first. When I retrieved it and tried to turn it back on again, it made a little grinding noise and a few little bits and pieces of something I couldn't identify fell out of the hole where the blade was supposed to emerge. Embarrassed, I left the training room, thankful that no one else had seen me break my own lightsaber. However, I still wanted to train some more, so I decided to head over to Lannah's quarters to see if I could borrow hers. I knocked sharply on her door several times, but received no answer. This puzzled me, as I knew that Lannah certainly wouldn't have left her quarters if she was even awake at this point (she sleeps late, but she's also easy to wake up). The door was locked, but it was a simple matter for me to undo the lock with the force and enter the room. Lannah was nowhere to be found. I spotted her lightsaber on her dresser next to the bed, and picked it up, unable to shake the feeling that I was not the only person in the room. It sent a shiver up my spine, but I shrugged it off as I headed for the door. I was almost to the doorway when the sound of a deep moan reached my ears. I whirled around and heard the same sound again, coming from the closet. As I opened the closet door, I couldn't believe what I saw. As you might have guessed, I found Lannah and Ketha inside the closet snogging each other. I just stood there, staring at them in total disbelief. When they finally noticed I was there and got off of each other, I was at a loss for words, so I got the bloody force out of there as fast as I could. A few hours later I had a very serious talk with both of my apprentices about how attachment in the Jedi Order is currently forbidden, and I told them that they must not do any such thing again. They agreed (or so I thought), but only two days later I found them doing the same thing in the Temple's Library. An hour and a half later I found them going at it again in Ketha's quarters. At this point, I knew that drastic measures were needed, so I arranged for them to be separated for a while hoping that it would help in some way. In the end, it changed nothing. They were still attached to each other, and nothing I said to them seems to have helped. I've caught them together at least five times since, on two occasions with some other padawan who I've never even met before. At this point, I didn't know what to do, so I decided that asking the Council was my only other option. Although I didn't think that the situation was at all funny, after I had told them about my problem, they burst into guffaws. Seeing that they would be of no help, I asked some of the Knights, who just stared at me like I had three heads. After that, I asked several Padawans, who instead of offering insight or useful information, just kept giving me stupid questions about whether they could "get in on the action". Frustrated, I returned to my quarters so I could write you this letter. Why am I the only Jedi in the entire Temple who takes this seriously? What should I do about Lannah and Ketha? I need these questions answered soon, before the situation gets out of control. I thank you in advance for any advice you may give me. Sincerely, Jedi Master Michael Kar'Dess

Fifth Letter, Dated 6-07-11
Dear Master Vrook

It's Micheal again STOP

Problem has gotten worse than I ever even dared to think STOP

The thing that my two Padawans were doing has spread throughout the temple STOP

Almost none of the Padawans or Knights are getting work done now STOP

They are all snogging in dark corners STOP

It's ****ing insane STOP

You know why I just used the phrase "dark corners"? Because there are dark corners now STOP

Power has just gone out on the Temple's primary levels STOP

Cannot believe what I have just seen STOP

Walked in on two Padawans with Master Sunrider STOP

THE WHOLE ****ING ORDER'S GOING TO THE DOGS STOP

SITUATION IS EXTREMELY VOLATILE STOP

SEND BACKUP IMMEDIATELY STOP

Sixth Letter, Dated 6-10-11
Master Vrook:

Bloody mother hell.

Vrook, I don't know what's going on, but I'm getting the **** out of here. I just found Ketha dead in my quarters. It appears to be from a lightsaber wound, but hell if I know who did it. Some suspect Sith Assassins.

What is happening? Ever since Revan left, everything's gone in the melting pot. The entire Coruscant Temple has been neutralized. REPEAT: CORUSCANT IS LOST.

I suspect that the Sith have something to do with this sudden madness. I don't know if the two events are connected or not, but Atris has called a meeting of all Jedi on Katarr. I'm serious. She said absolutely everyone. I don't know what it's about, but I can't stay here any longer.

I don't know where my other apprentice is, and Atris has gone missing as well.

In any case, I'll be at Katarr as soon as I can. I'll bring the chips.

Micheal

My Views on other Fanon, and Fanon Writing Style
"It's nothing personal. It's just that you're full of crap."

- Dr. House

"Perfection is the enemy of good enough."

- My Dad

"I am the one interrogating you, not the other way around."

-, putting back into his place

"Too many soldiers have died... Too many lost to the guns of time. We're defending a sinking ship, men... but we've still got spackle for the hull breaches."

- MPK

"The fabric of your life has been woven by your own choices."

- Elder Clotho, Loom, 1990

"Any fan fiction author who is stupid enough to have never figured out the fact that HK-47 doesn't use adjectives when describing his sentences isn't worth the time it would take for me to ridicule, let alone actually read their fanboy garbage."

- MPK

"...if I may paraphrase Oscar Wilde, 'No chance, you unreasonable ***ks.'"

- Benjamin "Yahtzee" Croshaw

"I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you some of the simplest things you'll ever hear, which evidently need to be beaten into your skull."

- MPK

"ugh ugh, the world should make itself more capable of tolerating my crazy bullshit, not the other way around, ugh"

- Santiago3.1 of the SomethingAwful Forums

"Considering the amount of idiotic shit I see on the internet, I don't take chances anymore. I take people at their word. If it was a joke, then yay."

- usamuun of Youtube

"Let's get this trainwreck started."

- Battle cry of the SomethingAwful Goons

"It isn't nitpicking when the wording makes a huge ***ing difference. When you go from 'No Evidence!' to "The Evidence is not good!" it's not nitpicking, its me catching you moving the ****ing goalpost."

- Darth Fanboy of StarDestroyer.net

"Twelve-hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible."

- Dwight K. Schrute

I've noticed a lot of the fanon here is (or was) about big, great heroes who are almost always Jedi who are uber-powerful, defeat the big bad guy, and save the day. And many of those characters are based off of the authors who make them. There is also a similar type of character, which is the uber-powerful Dark Jedi/Sith who is super evil and super powerful and is overall mostly just a cookie-cutter villain. These two types of characters usually appear in the same story.

And they're not the only kind of characters here. Some articles are riddled with clichés and uninteresting characters who may as well have been done before. Others have that and plot holes, or spelling/grammar errors, or stories that are simply lame. Yet somehow, through a very strange set of events, many of these articles get featured on the front page. There is something wrong with that.

Below are my reviews of the worst offenders of the assault on creativity. If you see one of your articles here, and don't like receiving honest criticism, don't scroll down. If you don't like what I think of your article, then don't make a fuss about it. I'm just one guy.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind that these reviews are not updated. This means that if an article gets a review here, but is improved to the point that it no longer deserves to be here, the review will stay. I utilize this policy because even if an article that sucks is improved later, the version of it which did suck should still be remembered so that others will not make the same mistakes. That is the purpose of these reviews: to point out what is or was wrong with something so that it may be used as an example for other writers on what to avoid doing. As Winston Churchill once said, "Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Nathaniel Kenobi Solo
"I'm not well! Actually, I'm dead!"

- Rusty Nailbender, Loom, 1990 "The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes."

- Sherlock Holmes, The Hound of the Baskervilles A prime example would be the story of Nathaniel Kenobi Solo, made by NKSCF. It's about a superdy duperdy powerful good guy. Surprisingly enough, though, at one point in the story Nathan can't figure out a language during one of his many adventures, despite the fact that he seems perfect at almost everything else. The article is also slanted to Nathan's point of view, which is never a good thing unless it's a fan fic.

This Nathaniel Kenobi Solo (I'm just going to call him Nathan from now on) strikes me as something of an arrogant bag of hot air, personality-wise. Always cracking jokes at the bad guys (such as "Darth Mutatos"), and doesn't get his butt whooped like he deserves. He makes his own rules, and he's a hypocrite. He can do insanely evil things, like forcing his own father to live forever in pain and torment by cutting him off from the force (see the section entitled "Contradictions Are My Specialty" in his article) but still think of himself on the side of justice. Normally, that's not a problem, as many villains have some sort of justification as to why they do evil things.

But Nathan going around using tons of dark side powers and doing stuff like what I've described above, and on top of believing himself to be good, is seen as a good person by everyone else on the good side! However, since Nathan is so superdy-light side, he forgives his father and SHA-ZAM, his punishment is just gone. Naturally, Nathan is also an excellent duelist, and is skilled with all forms of lightsaber combat, and freaking incredible with the force as well! Did I mention that he is also wrote a holonovel about his view on the force?

He also seems to know tons of crazy **** which he should have no way of knowing. For example, he confronts a Sith Lord who has some of his friends in captivity, and threatens to torture/kill/ect them unless he answers a bunch of questions about the history of the Sith. Not surprisingly, Nathan gets them all right. In one question, he is asked to name several specified Sith Lords in the correct order of when they were Dark Lords of the Sith. Several of them were around thousands of years before Nathan was born. Apparently, though, extensive histories of an ancient organization of Dark-Side users were kept in holobooks for millennia, and preserved, and also easy for someone to get their hands on, because Nathan says that he just read them in a holobook at an unspecified time in the past.

On top of that, why is the Sith Lord that Nathan is confronting even bothering with these questions? It's not even a Sith-like thing to do. Even Darth Sidious, who was crafty and clever, would have just engaged him directly in a battle. Nathan is also apparently an expert ladies-man. He manages to woo a Zeltron chick named Astram Karr easier and faster than James Bond would have, which I never knew was possible. Why do all the Jedi in these stories get girlfriends?

Finally, we get to his nemesis, Darth Aemulus. The equally superdy-duperdy eeeevil Dark Lord of the Sith! He's the only one to ever truly challenge the Avenger of the Jedi. Not surprisingly, this Darth Aemulus fellow seems totally devoid of a personality, which seems to fit with the fact that Darth Bandon's picture is used for him. It also is somewhat comical that Aemulus is really as much of an opposite of Nathan as you can possibly get; Nathan is a good guy who has everything in his personality, every conceivable accomplishment behind him, while Darth Aemulus is a bad guy who has nadda.

Eventually, Nathan finally engages in an epic duel to the end with Darth Aemulus on Dagobah. Here, at the end, Nathan does a rip-off of the thing Luke does in Episode 6; he doesn't attack, he tries to convince his opponent to join the light side. At this point, and this truly did not surprise me, Darth Aemulus impales Nathan with his lightsabers, and then is suddenly touched by how Nathan died trying to turn him back to the light. As a result, he does so. Naturally, of course, it's not a sad ending for Nathan, because, like all of his buddies, he somehow knows the force ghost technique. So they share a cheesy joke in the afterlife, and that is the end.

That is why NKSCF was for quite some time the most overrated user of this wiki. His work is clichéd, even for Star Wars. It's about a great hero who rises up and destroy the super-evil bad guys, again and again and again, until his not-so-surprising sacrifice.

Swerto Dragonouve
"There is a delightful freshness about you, Watson, which makes it a pleasure to exercise any small powers which I possess at your expense."

- Sherlock Holmes, The Hound of the Baskervilles

Another good example of total lack of imagination is Swerto Dragonouve, who is about as badly clichéd as Nathaniel. This Swerto dude is basically the "good bad guy", who fights for the bad guys and believe he's on the side of justice, yadda yadda yadda. Of course, he was also present for at least three major events of the movies (the Battles at Yavin IV, Hoth, and Endor). And apparently, his TIE Fighter, when the Death Star was destroyed, was "pushed away" by the explosion. This is nuts. If his ship was close enough to be affected by the explosion, then it would just be incinerated.

During his days spent in the Empire, he was for some reason a TIE pilot and a ground soldier, which doesn't really make much sense. On a flight mission to Kashyyyk for some reason or another, he is shot down by rebel pilots, which brings me to another question. Why does everyone always get shot down, instead of their ships being blown to smithereens? He is then captured by the Rebels, who somehow knew that he was a main character, and interrogated at a Rebel prison. I'm not totally sure, but this is the first time I've ever heard of a prison that is owned, operated, and kept hidden by a small organization of terrorists. Of course, through an unexplained set of circumstances, Swerto escaped. ] But apparently all this stuff wasn't uncreative enough, so the author decided to make him force-sensitive. I've never heard of that before. But even the way he discovers his sensitivity is kind of weird. He finds a holocron sitting around in his house. He probably pulled it out of his junk drawer. Anyway, he learns of his force potential via a message from his mother in the holocron. But how did he activate it without using the force? Come to think of it, I suppose it's plausible that the holocron could have been (and probably was) a Data holocron, which one doesn't need the force to activate, but the author could have easily stated that that was what it was instead of leaving the reader to figure it out for himself/herself. After that, some Dark Jedi dude takes him to Mustafar for force training, because there's no place in the freaking galaxy where this Swerto guy can go that isn't seen in the movies.

During training on Mustafar, some woman named Livevi Trace who he had known earlier (and not surpisingly, had fallen in love with) with approaches him, but hell if I know how she tracked him there. She tries to make him turn from the dark path, blah blah blah, and is shortly after killed by an assassin, who was apparently hired by the Dark Jedi (known as "Barok") who was training Swerto. How Barok not only knew that Livevi was coming, but also prepared an assassin and got him onto Mustafar without Swerto knowing, I haven't a clue. I suppose he could have landed a separate ship a good distance away, but the author didn't and doesn't clarify anything like this at any point in the article. The article is not written in much of an encyclopedic style, which causes almost every event to be unexpected for no good reason. And what kind of idiot assassin snipes the unarmed woman instead of the guy who can actually fight? Apparently Barok decided to hire some thug who knew how to pull a trigger but was otherwise as dumb as a rock. On the other hand, of course, being evil and all, it doesn't make much sense why Barok would care about his lowly underlings.

Anyway, Swerto kills the assassin, and goes back to where Livevi's corpse was, to find only her cloak lying there. What the heck is that? Is that supposed to imply that she learned the Force Ghost technique? Seriously? Was she force-sensitive? Was she actually a Jedi? Was her corpse taken away by an unknown entity for an unknown reason? Did he know the technique through some unexplained circumstances? None of these questions are answered. I don't think I need to explain the ridiculousness of some random dancer knowing an ancient Jedi power, but the very least the author could do is FREAKING EXPLAIN WHY SHE DISSAPEARED!!! Now, I can guess that it means she became a force ghost, but why wasn't that explained?? Even a bad explanation is better than none at all.

Afterward, Swerto returns to fighting in the Galactic Civil War, training himself in the force as he went on. During this time, he gets an Eta-2 Actis-class light interceptor (the Jedi fighter seen in Episode 3, for those unfamiliar). Now, this is just lame. Why does there need to be an abundance of Prequel-era technology in so many authors' fanon? This is not the first time I've seen stuff like this. The Eta-2 would be outdated for years. Now, I know what you're thinking. "He heavily modified and upgraded it!!". Of course he upgraded it. He's the main character. He's a master ship mechanic. I'll believe that when dewbacks fly. This guy may be a good fighter, pilot and a Dark Jedi, but there's no way he could also be a mechanic, let alone one good enough to upgrade such an old ship to the point of it being able to even stand a change against modern ships. And even if he was, why would he go to all that trouble instead of just getting a perfectly good ship that doesn't require extensive refitting? Like a TIE Avenger, or a TIE Defender? Even such a vessel being used by Rebels this late in the Galactic Civil War doesn't sound likely to me.

On his assorted adventures, Swerto also gets the stupid "Lava Lightsaber" crystal and the "Bane's Heart" crystal, and puts them in separate lightsabers. This is basically the author saying "Look at me! I completed a bunch of [stupid] quests in Star Wars Galaxies!". The article doesn't even put any story behind how he got these artifacts. It just says that he got them.

Eventually, Swerto is forced to resign from his position due to failing some test given to him by an Imperial officer named Ramd Ketten, who takes his position. He was then arrested for being a Jedi (which he wasn't) and sent to the Lusankya, an Imperial prison somewhere. He is then visited by Palpatine, because EVERY main character in these fanon stories meets the Emperor. Palpy then tells Swerto to work for him or die, which Swerto accepts. Now, why the heck did they bother arresting him in the first place? Why couldn't they put a sticky note at the door of his house saying something like "Palpatine requests your help against the Rebellion" or something?

Since this character is based off of the author's experiences in Star Wars: Galaxies, it's not surprising that the Battle of Restuss on Rori is in here as well. The article states that Swerto joins "Obsidian Dagger Squadron" (which is apparently a highly respectable fighter squadron in the Empire), and then gives a long, drawn-out jumble of information about stuff that Swerto did at Restuss. Eventually, he meets one of the Emperor's hands, named Aralina Silk (who is a canon character that appeared in SWG's Restuss event). Aralina decides that since Swerto has a lightsaber that he is a Jedi (which he isn't) and tries to kill him, even though he's fighting against the Rebels. He then wastes her in a fight. Now, if he wasn't an enemy of the Empire before, he sure as hell was then. He just killed a fricking Emperor's Hand! The stormtroopers should have gunned him down right then and there!! But no, they simply ignore the sudden murder of an Imperial Agent by another Imperial Agent and let him leave without so much as a demand for an explanation.

Afterward, Swerto leaves for a city on Naboo called "Imperia" (REAL original name there, pal), which houses the headquarters for Obsidian Dagger Squadron (I'm pretty sure the fighter divisions of the Empire are just designated by numbers, but I suppose elite groups could get actual names). Once he arrives on Naboo, he goes to Imperia on his BARC Speeder (Another unneeded and outdated piece of Prequel-era technology). At this point, the article isn't very clear due to grammar mistakes and lack of clarification, but I'm pretty sure that he gets kicked out of ODS.

He then goes to Lok to formally join some organization called "DARK". I have no idea what "DARK" is, because it's not really explained previously in the article. I'm just going have to assume that it's an Imperial Intelligence Organization. Or a group of Dark Jedi. Or some fricking thing. Anyway, once in DARK, he helps them against the Rebels for a while, etcetera. During this time he is informed that a squadmate friend of his was killed on a mission or something. It is worth noting that his friend who was named Edrystirfod (good luck learning how the hell to pronounce that) was only mentioned once earlier in the article and had no back-story whatsoever. Swerto attends the funeral, which from the description seems rather over-the-top, especially for an Imperial funeral, but whatever. Following this, Swerto gets two of his dead friend's ships, a Decimator (an Imperial ship from SWG with a bunch of turrets and interior space) and a YT-2400, because if a cool character from canon has a ship, then Swerto has to have one ship of that class also. After a vacation, Swerto resigns from DARK (this guy resigns from organizations and positions more often than Jedi lose their lightsabers) when he is contacted by a member of another secret organization. Under their orders, he becomes a double-agent in the Rebellion via an "old friend" named Adot Koira, another character who was barely mentioned at all. He was eventually discovered by the Rebels, and was forced to leave.

After returning to regular duty in the Empire, and eventually the dark side strengthens its grip on him. He was then sent to assist the 501st Legion in the Battle of Hoth. At Hoth, he was ordered to pilot an AT-AT, because he was a good starfighter pilot, and therefore knew a lot about the controls of a vehicle he had never been inside in his life. Eventually, he parks his AT-AT right in front of the Echo Base hangar, and then jumps out to join the fight against the Rebel troops. Since when are pilots of heavy assault vehicles just allowed to abandon their posts whenever they feel like it? As if the fact that he was at the Battle of Hoth wasn't enough, he has to go into the same hangar as the Millenium Falcon. Why does he have to go wherever the movies go? To conclude the tie-ins to Hoth, he was the one who helped the 501st set the bombardment beacon on a Rebel Transport in Star Wars: Battlefront II! Just give it a rest!

After Hoth, Swerto goes to Endor for a vacation, because a forest planet potentially filled with dangerous predators is a good place to relax. He then apparently participated a bit in the Battle of Endor in his Decimator, but mostly just watched the fight from afar. The ironic thing is that if he joined the battle, the Rebels obviously would have lost, since judging from his previous accomplishments, Swerto would be fricking invincible. Instead, however, Swerto's ship is shot down and he crash-lands on Endor, with (to no one's surprise) everyone else in his crew having died. He is then basically stranded there for a while, but then steals an X-Wing from the Rebel camp and leaves.

After learning about the Empire's fragmentation, he decides to resign from the Empire until there actually is a single Empire, which seems rather wussy, considering everything he'd done up to that point. I'm surprised he didn't try to set himself up as Emperor. Later on, he joins the forces commanded by Thrawn, and participates in the Battle of Bilbringi where Thrawn was killed, flying his Eta-2 Interceptor in the fleet battle (did I mention that he gives corny names to each of his ships?). Again the author insists on putting him in every conceivable major event of the Galactic Civil War.

The article then reveals that prior to this, he had joined the "Dark Shadow Sith" (seriously, Dark Shadow Sith? Sounds dark and shadowy!), which is basically a group of Dark Jedi who manipulate the galaxy for whatever their agenda is. Swerto is apparently annoyed by the fact that they call themselves Sith, since he "served a true one in the past" (presumably Palpatine). This makes no sense. How does Swerto even know of the Sith's existence, and how did he know that Palpatine was one? It's not exactly common knowledge.

Once he climbs to a significant rank in the "Dark Shadow Sith", Swerto meets some other Dark Jedi in the order named "Kenya". He starts training her on Korriban for a while. He also starts reconstructing a Star Destroyer that he found destroyed somewhere. How he got a hold of a shipyard and the necessary resources to do this, I have no idea. He also renamed this ship to the "Vleaski Doethu". Good luck referring to that in regular conversations.

Swerto then decides to meet with the "Dark Shadow Sith's" 12-member council, and proceeds to kill all of the members with ease. How does this guy get so powerful? There's TWELVE OF THEM!!! I cannot freaking believe that this article got featured. Anyway, Swerto takes over and renames the organization to "The Dark Order" (even less original than "Dark Shadow Sith").

It goes on for a while after that, but you get the idea.

Darth Tyler
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: "It might have been!""

- Maud Muller, a poem by John Greenleaf Whittier "I don't think I explained myself properly. Let me try that again. What the freaking hell?"

- MPK "Gaze once more upon the great Loom, if you would know your ultimate destiny... for that destiny is now upon you!"

- Elder Atropos, Loom, 1990 Where to begin? That is the question.

I click the link Darth Tyler, suspecting from the unusual name that it may be a joke article. To my bewilderment, I see a not overly convincing image of a battle droid with a cape and a lightsaber. No sooner do I read the very first sentence.....

"Darth Tyler, previously known as T-1LR, was a force-sensitive Sith B-1 battle droid serving in the Trade Federation Droid Army, the Confederacy of Independent Systems, Galactic Droid Empire, and the New Confederacy of Independent Systems."

- Darth Tyler article, first sentence

.....that I find myself seriously reluctant to go on. Force-sensitive battle droid? I don't know about you, author (I call him author so you can tell the difference between him and his creation. I dislike it when people name characters after themselves), but I stopped fantasizing about Battle Droid Jedis shortly after I stopped making lego sets (and that was a while ago). It was also around the same time that not every fanon storyline or idea that ever came into my head had a clone of a main villan in it. Anyway, this Jedi Droid business will surely have an explanation earlier.

Let's look at the rest of that sentence. He just rattled off four Galactic Powers. "Darth" Tyler sure gets around. I'd go on a rant about this, but it's better suited when I actually get to that point in the article. In order to organize this review properly, and to also prevent from spoiling it for me, I skip the rest of the introduction and head down into the depths of this article.

Ok. "He" (because it's annoying to type "it" so much) starts out in the invasion of Naboo. Similar to Swerto Dragowhateverhisnameis, the author decided to have Tyler majorly involved in a major event (usually this formula requires it to be a movie event, but there are exceptions). In this case, the Invasion of Naboo. But before we go there, let's look at his origin. Tyler was apparently T-1LR (I'm pretty sure they don't use that scheme for designating their battle droids, but that's getting a little picky even for me), a B1 Battle droid manufactured on a "secret Trade Federation base on Eos" (I didn't know the Federation was in the habit of having secret bases, what with it being a company that happens to own a private fleet and army. However, I'm told that they did have a secret base on Eos after all in one of the games. thanks to User:Atarumaster88 for bringing this to my attention). He was then apparently the "prototype" of a line of force-sensitive battle droids (it is stated that this line was never finished, but there is no explanation). It goes on with this sufficiently memorable sentence:

"During his creation, he was fitted with a secret old Sith crystal on instructions from Darth Sidious as part of an experiment, the purpose of which was never quite made clear."

- Darth Tyler article, Invasion of Naboo section, Paragraph One

Very clever, author. A less alert reader would probably have never seen your plan here. The first step was throwing some mention of "an old Sith crystal" in order to "explain" the force sensitivity. Then, you state that it was the idea of Darth Sidious in order to make it sound better, or more mysterious, or whatever. Finally, you say that the reason for this whole experiment is never revealed.

Conclusion: The author couldn't think of an actual explanation, so he decided to throw two red herrings into the pond of his fanon, the first herring being the Sith crystal, and the other being the mention of Sidious. These fishy (couldn't resist) plot devices are designed to distract the reader from the real questions. For example:

(Note: Force sensitive droids are impossible in Star Wars, and even if they are possible, then it's stupid as hell. However, for the rest of the review I will try to ignore this entanglement.)

1. Why did the Trade Federation ever begin this project? They're a business, not some kind of evil scheming empire. Sure, the Nemodians were greedy jerks, but they're still running a business! They have no motive, means, or reason to even conceive of this project, let alone actually begin. This is where the mention of Sidious comes in. If the author use says that Sidious wanted it for unknown reasons, that's supposed to make the reader forget the pointlessness of the whole idea.

2. Aren't "old Sith crystals" in kind of short supply, thereby making the manufacture of several [or even a single] droid of this type somewhat difficult? Author's Solution: Sidious magically pulled a Sith crystal out of thin air because he's Sidious!

3. What possible use could the Trade Federation, or anyone for that matter have for force-sensitive battle droids? Author's Solution: You're not supposed to think about that.

The Darth Tyler article was later edited to address some points of this review less than an hour after I wrote it. The addressor (is that a word?), User:Unit 8311, made the following changes. Because any changes to the subject article could potentially make a review inaccurate, I will give my analysis accordingly.

Change 1: "He was the prototype of a line of force-sensitive battle droids, designed to be a new generation of superior battle droids". I don't see how this gives any new information. It was obvious that more effective battle droids would be desirable, but the reason for making force-wielding droids is the thing that eludes me.

Change 2: "he was fitted with a secret old synthetically created Sith crystal". The change is that it's "synthetically created". First of all, the entire Sith crystal thing itself doesn't make sense. The wookiepedia link to "sith crystal" indicates that they are lightsaber crystals. What do lightsaber crystals have to do with force-sensitivity? Sure, they were modified using the dark side, but they were modified for lightsaber use. I can only assume that the author was thinking of some other kind of crystal which has little resemblance to the one linked to at Wookiepedia. Either way, the role that these crystals had and exactly how they were created is not explained.

Change 3: "on instructions from Darth Sidious as part of an experiment, the purpose of which was never made entirely clear, although from all available evidence it seemed that Sidious was toying with the idea of creating some sort of droid elite for himself". This also provides almost no information. All it explains is essentially that Darth Sidious ordered them made because he wanted them to be used. What is that supposed to explain?

A mere hour later, 8311 changed the article again. As with before, I am forced to modify my review accordingly.

Changes 1 & 2: "be a new generation of superior battle droids and a cheap counter to Jedi, although this line was never finished"; "creating some sort of cheaply obtainable anti-Jedi weapon". The Trade Federation had no reason to create anti-Jedi units. The droid army were designed for protection of their trade vessels and other activities, not for fighting Jedi. As evidenced by dialouge between Nute Gunray and his assistant in TPM, the Nemodians did not expect or intend to engage Jedi under any circumstances.

Mere moments after my last update, 83 once again edited the article. I here enclose the change with my analysis:

"he was fitted with a secret old synthetically created crystal of Sith origin (that was created with arcane Sith alchemy)". I suspect that 8311 doesn't even know what Sith alchemy is, and threw that term in there in the hopes that I wouldn't research the topic. As it turns out, Sith alchemy is the "science" (so to speak) of using the Dark Side to mutate life forms. This has nothing to do with crystals.

Again, he changed it moments later. This time, it's Sith "chemistry", which is something he just made up.

Anyway, moving right along, Tyler was a security droid who was transferred down to Naboo for the invasion and what-not. Because he has to have a bunch of stuff to do with the battle(s), he captures the queen. He's also the droid told to take the prisoners to camp four, so that the author can say that his character appeared in the movie.

Later, he all of a sudden appears to be piloting an MTT on the battle of grassy plains. Shortly after, he hops into an AAT, because B1 droids are multi-purpose. There's no such thing as "pilot droids" or anything like that, which are programmed for piloting vehicles. Droids are free to jump in and out of random stations at will (although technically T-1LR doesn't have a will due to the Control Ship business). He's also the one who fired the shot that downed the gungan shield generator! Another "cameo" for the Jedi Droid.

Of course, we all know that all the droids were deactivated at the end, so how does T-1LR survive? Apparently, a laser bolt shoots off his antenna (must have been friendly fire, since gungans don't use blasters), which cuts him off from the Droid Control Ship's signal. Which means that he’s deactivated. Oh, wait. That would've made sense. At least the author acknowledges the absurdity of this by typing "To his surprise, he kept working", in yet another attempt to dodge the task of providing an explanation.

Moving along, T-1LR busts into a hangar and steals an N1 fighter (even though they were all launched and he's not programmed to pilot anything, let alone a non-Federation vehicle). He then takes it to a planet called Agon 9 (after going to Eos, where he finds a base there destroyed. what this has to do with anything else, I don't know), where he lives for a while. He eventually finds an ancient Sith Temple, because every planet has to have an ancient Sith\Jedi temple or enclave on it. The temple apparently also has information about Sith abilities, and presumably in Galactic Basic (Republic/Imperial trade language, AKA English), since there's no way T-1LR could decipher Sith hieroglyphics in any amount of time.

He then magically learns how to use the force (demonstrating with an experimental use of force push), and begins feeling emotions like anger, which is impossible because he's not programmed for that. He then figures out how to build a lightsaber.....

Do you see where this is going?

He takes his N1 which he can't pilot to starwars:Ilum to find a lightsaber crystal, even though he doesn't know anything about Ilum or its location. He then finds a red crystal for a lightsaber, goes back to Agon 9, and builds a saber using "spare parts". He then follows "the instructions", wherever those came from, and practiced until having "mastered" Soresu (third lightsaber form), since mastering a lightsaber form doesn't take years of experience, but rather just an expository sentence or two. To accomplish this, he builds training droids for lightsaber-to-blaster training, and presumably also masters deflection of laser fire as well (he better he REALLY good at deflecting lasers, because even a glancing hit would take him out for good). He then makes a hologram version of himself to practice saber-to-saber use, because it's really easy to make a hologram programmed to fight its creator. Apparently, the author also thinks that holograms can physically touch things like in Star Trek, which they can't.

Also, how can a B1 droid even use a lightsaber? All droids (and especially B1s) have movement limitations. Just look at the hands! They have three fingers, and they aren't very flexible. "Force-sensitive" or not, he can't just pick up and use a lightsaber just like that. Look at all the other displays of incompetence B1s have shown, too. B1s tend to fall apart after taking even the slightest damage. The idea that this joker could be able to even block lasers from a single opponent (never mind several opponents, or attacks from another saber-wielder) without extreme difficulty is just nutty (thanks to User:Squishy Vic for pointing this out).

He then flies to the Muunilinst system, where at the time there was a battle in the Clone Wars taking place. Deciding to help the CIS, he lands inside one of the Acclamator Assault Ships, which does not have anti-fighter weapons, tractor beams, or even a shield to keep intruders out of its hangars. He then fights his way to the bridge with ease and kills the bridge crew, followed by another group of clones who went to investigate, since Republic ships have absurdly bad security to the point that they don't send their entire crew of clone troopers, which is 16,000 strong, by the way, to overwhelm the droid with sheer force of numbers or situation-specific weaponry (ever hear of EMP Grenades? or explosives? or dozens of lasers heading toward different areas of a target at once? I suppose not). Apparently, there were no Jedi Generals commanding this ship, either.

Tyler then "uses the force" to pilot the Acclamator towards another one. This means that he either uses telekinesis to take over the controls which he knows nothing about, or he simply force-pushes the ship along, which would place him on the starwars:Secret Apprentice level of overpowered stupidity. Anyway, he then runs out to the hangar, apparently encountering no resistence that can even slow him down. Again, the security fails to notice that the ship may have changed course and takes no actions to get out of their collision course. The droid then steals a V-19 Torrent fighter and escapes.

Naturally, Count Dooku finds him after the battle and trains him further, making him a lesser-known starwars:Dark Acolyte (which seems odd, considering his accomplishments. He then goes on to fight in the Clone Wars. The article then "explains" a literally impossible victory that Tyler pulls off at Tanaab because he's also a brilliant tactical leader as well (I'll bet he can also make the galaxy's largest sandwiches, too). I'm not going to go any further into this absurdly stupid battle, so if you want to know about it, then you'll have to read it yourself.

Anyway, it then skips to after Count Dooku's death. Tyler apparently takes "a few" droids with him to Agon 9. They asked why they were there, and Tyler explains that he was resigning from the CIS. The droids, some of whom "learned individuality during the war" (which is impossible), decide to stay with the Jedi Droid, who takes on a new name.

Darth Tyler!!!!!

Epic. Just epic.

He then immediately sets about getting a droid army (never heard of that before).

"having learned of the universal control signal and the exposal of the secret base on Mustafar through the Force"

- Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two

So this droid can just pull information out of thin air "through the force"? Sounds like a plot hole to me. By the way, the Mustafar base was destroyed after Vader's duel with Obi-Wan.

"reprogrammed all the droids so that they depended on their own independent droid brain and not a signal."

- Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two

You can't just reprogram the droids so that they don't need a signal. That would require modification of each individual droid. And how the hell did he reprogram them anyway? Plot hole #2.

"Darth Vader's attempt at deactivating all the droids did not fully work, and none of the droids were deactivated."

- Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two

Two birds with one stone: Make Vader and the Sith, who are the REAL villains instead of this Jedi Droid nonsense, look like morons, while at the same time allowing Tyler to get a droid army out of nowhere.

"Darth Tyler decided to make a droid factory and made hundreds of thousands of battle droids, the new Super battle droids and droidekas, each depending on their own brain. They received personalities and became just like organics, except with faster reflexes and better aiming. He named his army the Galactic Droid Empire, with Darth Tyler as the first Emperor to reign."

- Darth Tyler article, Droid Followers section, Paragraph Two

Following the tradition of EVERYTHING that the main character have be modified, upgraded, or something else done to it that makes it better than the original, not to mention the idea that he could actually possess the resources necessary to build and operate this presumably enormous factory without it even being noticed. He founds an all-droid faction (big surprise) and calls it the Galactic Droid Empire (real original name).

When he goes to Mustafar, it's apparent that the facility he goes to is actually the one from Star Wars: Battlefront II, where some Geonosian (Gizor Dellso) was trying to build his own private army of battle droids, and was also making schematics for some new kind of droid. Naturally, when Tyler finds the place, he steals the schematics for this new droid with ease, so that he has another ridiculous addition to his army.

There is then a short paragraph about some Verpine Jedi who escapes Order 66 and makes some army to fight against the Galactic Droid Empire (GDE), or some other nonsense like that. Tyler duels, and obviously kills the Jedi (if you want the details, then read the article yourself).

The author then goes on to explain some ludicrously easy victories against the Rebels and Imperials in the Galactic Civil War, along with some duels with Jedi. The idea that the remaining Droid Armies of the CIS would be able to seriously pose a threat to the empire, even after the droids' heavy losses in the Clone Wars coupled with their overall incompetence, is insane. Believe me. I have looked through every single battle that this author has made (there aren't many), and only once has Darth Tyler lost a battle. Only ONCE (thanks to User:Unit 8311, who notified me of the exception).

It goes on for a while, until Tyler comes across and tries to occupy a planet which Troyb, a Nemodian rip-off character who leads another rip-off CIS government, is also trying to take. This interaction was caused by Darthtyler (the author) and Troyb (another author who names his character after himself), who decided that since they both have CIS rip-off factions who never lose battles, they should collaborate. So they have a pitched battle on this planet which ends in a draw with both sides taking the exact same number of losses (because it would be sooooo unfair to make the other guy lose a battle).

Following the battle, Tyler and Troyb join forces and combine their governments. After this, they resume their over-wanked path of literally unstoppable destruction, because nobody can stand a chance against an army of cheaply produced droids lead by a businessman and a B1 Battle droid. If you think I exaggerate, read the following quote:

"As Tyler and Troyb conquered every world known"

- Darth Tyler article, New Confederacy of Independent Systems section, Paragraph Three

As if they weren't ridiculous enough, Tyler’s forces come across a Vong Worldship. They then "disable it". Seriously? It's a f***ing WORLDSHIP. These things blow up entire FLEETS. If this author knew ANYthing about how overpowered the Vong are against technology, he would know that Tyler wouldn't stand a damn chance. Of course, the great Darth Tyler is as always invincible. I wonder if he's ever had a battle where Tyler takes heavy losses (not that he'd LOSE. that's certainly unthinkable!).

More nonsense follows. Tyler and Troyb escape an assassination attempt, killing everyone involved. They even survive into the Legacy era with the New Sith Empire, building a second starwars:Star Forge. What the hell? How did he get the resources to build a Star Forge? How did he get the plans? How did he even know of its existence in the first place!??! HOW, I SAY! HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!?!?!?

The article finally ends its biography section with another [unsurprisingly] short paragraph, explaining that after Troyb died of old age (I'm surprised that Troyb [the author] would stand for the idea that his character would die someday), Tyler ruled the galaxy for thousands of years. This sentence almost made me cry. Such an enormous effort put into such a ridiculous, attention-grabbing load of absurdity.

Lastly, I will give my personal interpretation of a quote from the "Behind the Scenes" section.

"Many users on Star Wars Fanon dismiss this article as unreal, as they believe that droids cannot become force-sensitive. However, the author of this article says anything can happen."

- Darth Tyler article, Behind the Scenes section, bullet two

Translation: The author does not like to follow a basic set of rules.

Jerun Othorne
Next up: Jerun Othorne. Born 30 BBY to two biologists on Ossus. Less than a paragraph into the article's introduction, it mentions that his mother realized his force sensitivity when she saw him floating in his sleep. What? Yeah, sure pal. That's how force-sensitivity works. If you're sensitive, then you randomly use powers without any sort of training whatsoever.

Next paragraph, it mentions that at age five this Jerun fellow was inaugurated into his youngling class and began to train in "the more advanced and subtle arts of the Force", as if that's what younglings need training in, rather than all the nonsense like learning how to not accidentally kill yourself when trying to use your lightsaber. With the rest of the paragraph, it become evident that he was something of a scholar bloke who hung out at the Jedi library a lot. years later, he comes under "the watchful" of one Tereil Protheras, who is "the most skilled Jedi of his generation but also the wisest and by far the most powerful Jedi Knight in the Order abroad". Oh, that's original. I wonder if Yoda has anything to say about that.

Unfortunately, this Tereil guy doesn't seem to have an article of his own, so hell if I know what he is except for a Jedi. It doesn't say if he's a master or what. It is implied, however, since it's said that he unofficially trains the young Jerun (who by the way is actually named Thaddik Jesevas; I don't know why he has two names or why the author decided to confuse the reader like that). However, it is basically said that Tereil is a master when he takes Jerun as a Padawan at age 13. They then fight in the Clone Wars, get some kind of special force bond, and Jerun becomes a great pilot and even greater warrior. Just like everybody else.

Before you start to think that this character is just a standard show of unimagination, then finish the article. He fights in the Battle of Utapau ("my character fought where the movie characters fought!"). "After" that,[ even though the Battle of Utapau didn't end until after Order 66 was given,] Jerun travels to Felucia and saves the two Jedi Barriss Offee and Aayla Secura from Order 66 by warning them about it. How in bloody hell he figured out about Order 66 is a mystery. Together, they then travel to Cophrigin 5, some obscure planet, where they plan to save Tereil Prostheras and another canon Jedi named An'ya Kuro. Kuro is better known as "the Dark Woman", who is supposed to be killed there by Darth Vader. The odd thing about her being saved by Jerun there is that I'm pretty sure she wasn't there the whole time of the Clone Wars; that's just where she Exiled herself.

Whatever.

When they arrive at this planet, they kind the two Jedi being attacked by Darth Vader and Darth f***ing Maul. Yes, you read that right. Darth Maul "faked his death". First of all at this point in time Darth Vader isn't even in the suit, so how could he go to this planet to fight these Jedi? He should be on Coruscant attacking the Jedi Temple! As for the Darth Maul thing... well, to be frank, if I have to explain what's wrong with that to you, then you need to get some help (so much for the Rule of Two).

The Jedi then go medieval on Vader, cutting off his legs and one of his arms with ease. Needless to say, this is Bols***. Vader is shown to be capable of nearly defeating eight Jedi Masters at the Conclave on Kessel by himself, and he gets his ass kicked by a mere two Masters, one Knight, and a Padawan even with backup from Darth Maul? Darth Maul then pulls Vader to safety and the two "escape". You may think that this part at least shows that the author isn't totally shameless, the reasoning being that If he wasn't, then Maul and Vader would both be dead. But that's wrong; he just wants to drive home the idea that they could've won easily.

The group then goes to Dagobah (gotta go to every movie location sooner or later, right?), where Barris and Jerun are Knighted by Yoda, even though they had no way of knowing where Dagobah is, where Yoda was, or whether or not he was even alive. Yoda then tells them to go to Tatooine at a certain point in time to train Luke. It also states that Obi-Wan was killed by Darth Vader on Mustafar, which I suppose is better than simply having them tag along with the movie cast. At least the author is deliberately diverging from established canon rather than piling more stuff on top of it (but don't get your hopes up on this article).

Afterward, the Dark Woman stays to train with Yoda on Dagobah. Offee goes to Mirial (her home planet) to train "an army of Jedi" to fight the Empire. You've got to be kidding me. There's no way in hell one Jedi can train "an army". It takes decades to train ONE Jedi.

I guess Master Offee is a multi-tasker.

Another problem with this future Jedi Army deal is the fact that there's no way that this army, assuming it was possible for such an army to be created, could evade detection of the Empire for long. Surely one of the Emperor's Hands, or Inquisitors, or somebody would find them. That's what they're for: finding Jedi.

Anyway, Master Tereil then goes to the Unknown Regions to "learn among the [nonexistent] foreign force-users". He'll then become a smuggler mechanic rebel helper or some shit. Whatever.

In 2 BBY the personal ship ("Blue Justice") of Thaddik (AKA, Jerun) recieves a message from Barriss Offee and her resistance asking that he join the newly formed Rebel Alliance.
 * Problem 1: How do any of them know about the Rebel Alliance?
 * Problem 2: "Blue Justice"? You've got to be kidding me.
 * Problem 3: I can guess how many Jedi Barriss trained in this time! Two! No, wait... THREE!
 * Problem 4: "Blue Justice"?

Needless to say, Jerun becomes a General in the Alliance. In the same year they go to Luke on Tatooine (who is 17 at this point). They tell him about Vader his father, the Jedi, life, the universe, and everything,. yadda yadda yadda. Also, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are killed by the Empire during this, even though they had no actual reason to do so. Anyways, this convinces Luke to come with them to Hoth to train in the force, because WE HAVE TO GO TO ALL THE MOVIE PLANETS.

One day when helping some fellow rebels escape from Corellia (man, time flies!), the gang is captured by Imperials (it doesn't say exactly who is present at this occasion, but whatever). The article then explains that Han Solo (movie character tie-ins are also a must-have for unimaginative writers) breaks them out of the Imperial prison. I guess only the Lord on high knows how or why Han busted them out. Anyway, Han joins the Rebellion after this.

On another mission, they're captured by the Death Star and interrogated by Maul, who is "Vader's Apprentice" (talk about pissing on the Rule of Two without even thinking about it). At this point, "Leia Organa and a Rebel strike team rescued them from their holding cells".
 * Problem A: What was Leia doing on the Death Star?
 * Problem B: What was a Rebel Strike team doing on the Death Star?
 * Problem C: Why did they break the gang out of the cells?
 * Problem D: How did they even know that they were there?

Anyway, during the break-out they're attacked by Darth Vader, who kills Barriss Offee. Luke charges Vader, but Jerun holds him back, and they escape on the Millenium Falcon (wherever the hell that came from). Come to think of it, why did the heroes run away? With so many hero characters in one place and Vader alone, they should be able to wipe the floor with him (if the previous engagement is any indication of their strength). I guess it was to add "tension" to the "plot". Incidentally, where was Maul during all this? Taking a nap? And how did the heroes get away? It doesn't even mention deactivating tractor beams.

At this point, Luke goes to Dagobah to be trained under Yoda, and Jerun starts wandering around the Outer Rim (again). he meets some Pirate/Corporatio Leader guy named Osik De'Grear and convinces him to join the Rebellion. They eventually become pals. In a rather humerous move, De'Grear is protrayed by one of the most ridiculous-looking anime characters I've ever had the misfortune to see, which basically destroys any chance of taking this character seriously.

Note that the state of the Galactic Civil War is never mentioned.

Later (and I mean MUCH later because as mentioned earlier, time flies and main characters never age), Osik, Jerun, and Jacen Solo are captured and tortured by the Vong. Thaddick (Jerun) is tortured "to the edge of insanity, and it is said that he lost his sanity and went insane". It then says some gobbledegook about the pain awakening an evil self (or whatever), and he changes his name to Jerun Othorne "because he's too dark to keep his old name".

Evidently he does some evil things, because in the first sentence of the next paragraph he changes his name to Darth Rayze and becomes a Sith.

He becomes a Sith. Who saw that coming?

It then goes on for a while after that, saying he kicked some ass in the post-NJO era into the Legacy series, but whatever. I'm sorry, but I can't make myself read this any further. One more funny thing here is that the table of contents for the body of the article are after all this stuff, meaning I just read the introduction. Humerously, the body of the article is not nearly as long as the intro and doesn't go as far in time.

That's the longest introduction I've ever seen. Now I want my 30 minutes back.

MPK's Commandments of Fanon Writing

 * 1) No Force-wielder can be immune to the corruption brought on by exposure to locations tainted by the dark side, use of the dark side's powers, or any immoral actions (therefore, the Potentium is a lie).
 * 2) If there is a Jedi character that survives the Clone Wars, then that character must die in the execution of Order 66, in the Jedi Purge afterward, or alternatively be captured in the Purge afterward. If there are three Jedi, then two of them must die in Order 66; If there are four or five, then at least three must die; et cetera.
 * 3) No Force-wielder can control a government soleley because he or she is a Force wielder.
 * 4) No Jedi or other type of Force-wielder can defeat a clearly stronger foe merely because they are on the light side.
 * 5) No member of the Jedi Order should have romantic relations with another individual without repercussions.
 * 6) Any character who is a Sith Lord or Dark Jedi should quickly gain a sense of discretion. For example: An Inquisitor named is walking down the streets of a city on Ord Mantell. A beggar approaches him and asks for some money. Jerec does not draw his lightsaber and kill the man. Instead, he ignores the weak fool. If the man continues to bother him, Jerec will use a Force push to knock him onto his arse and keep walking without breaking stride. In short, Jerec does not suffer from the  Dark Side Syndrome; all Dark Side characters should follow his example.
 * 7) If there must be any Sith after the death of, then there must be only one dynasty of Sith. Any more is just being redundant and makes a mokery of Anakin Skywalker's supposed "balancing" of the Force.
 * 8) No Force-sensitive should learn any techniques too easily, because doing that makes Force powers weaker than they should be. For example, is a very destructive power, and should not be usable by anyone without plenty of experience and practice in the mysteries of the Force. This rule should apply to a point for all Force powers, more strongly with some than others. For another example, while Force telekinesis is learned easily enough, a person still must be trained by someone else in order to learn it. Similarly, a technique such as  should not be available to anyone who does not have a strong command of the dark side, just as to use the power to absorb Force lightning with one's bare hands (as demonstrated by Yoda) requires a strong command of the light side. Powers like Absorb (on the level that Yoda does it) and Destruction require one to have a lot of experience, raw Force strength, and training if applicable.
 * 9) A Jedi character should not be able to use a dark side power without being affected by it. Likewise, a dark side character should not be able to draw on a light side ability easily; Force heal should exhaust a Dark Jedi's Force reserve more than Force Drain, and vice versa.
 * 10) Jedi and Sith holocrons must not be overpowered; a Jedi, Dark Jedi, or Sith cannot considerably boost their power in a short period of time just because they have a holocron. Contrary to popular belief, a holocron is, in a way, a holographic teacher, which one needs to take time to study under like a real teacher, rather than a dues ex machina.
 * 11) No author-made character can be smarter than a canon character for no reason; for example, the author's interpretation of or the  cannot have greater knowledge, wisdom or power than the  simply because the author might want them to.
 * 12) No character should be favored by the author for no good reason.
 * 13) No droid can wield the Force. Ever.
 * 14) Virtually all clone trooper characters must obey, whether they are ARC troopers, Commandos, or army Commanders. Any dissidents must be eventually killed by the Empire at some point afterward. The same is to apply to any stormtroopers, even though stormtroopers are trained to have droid-like loyalty with no exceptions.
 * 15) No clone trooper characters should give a flying bantha shiΓ about Mandalorian culture. They should not speak Mando'a and shouldn't have Mando'a nicknames. There must be no exceptions to this rule.
 * 16) Fleet and starship capabilities must be consistent and believable. A single group of starfighters or bombers can never single-handedly disable any capital ship with the offensive and defensive capabilities of an, and even a would be practically suicide unless they have support of some kind. Hell must freeze over before said starfighter squadron can challenge any vessel in the  class. The writer must also remember that virtually all capital ships, including Star Destroyers, possess guns capable of targeting fighters, and therefore are not helpless against bombers as depicted in several faulty sources such as the game Empire at War. The strength of s and similar starships must never be underestimated, underpresented, or scaled down for any reason whatsoever. Such vessels can only be destroyed by sustained attacks from entire fleets; they cannot simply be destroyed by any would-be  imitators; they have no magic primary target which destroys the ship if neutralized. The no-sabotage rule should be followed by virtually all other capital ships as well.
 * 17) No criminal empires, no matter how large, can stand against the might of the . The reason the, , and survived for so long is not because they somehow possessed a fleet capable of challenging or mounting a prolonged defense against a galaxy-spanning empire; rather, they survived because they stayed out of the Empire's way whenever they could. Criminal organizations should work in secret to spread influence, and should seldom use overt military force against much larger governments.
 * 18) No mentally disturbed Evil Mastermind-wannabes should ever gain command over a large military force which he or she will just piss down the drain in a single battle.
 * 19) Adolf Hitler must never be elected President of the United States.
 * 20) Unless you have a very original idea for one which you know that nobody else has tried before, s should be kept out of your stories. Period. Typically, the closest thing to a superweapon should be an Executor-class Star Dreadnaught or another such equivalent, and even those should be used sparingly.
 * 21) Face the fact that a lot of canon is Σhit. Don't be afraid to overwrite something stupid if necessary.
 * 22) Don't try to paint the heroes of Star Wars (the Jedi, the Rebel Alliance, the Republic) as the villains, or the villains (the Sith, the Confederacy, the Empire) as the heroes. That's called "being a weasel".
 * 23) Force-users CANNOT use the Force to absorb damage from laser fire, grenade explosions, or shrapnel flying into their heads, or anything else like that. Period. is a stupid-ass gameplay thing that was put in  and people took it too seriously. Darth Vader did not use the Force to absorb Han Solo's shots in Episode V; his hand is made of solid freakin' metal and his armor provides limited protection from even lightsaber strikes. If he "absorbed" the bolts, then they wouldn't have exploded against his hand like when they hit walls, and if they had no effect, then his hands certainly would not be smoking as he catches the gun and puts it down.

Additional Infoboxes
"When did we forget our dreams? The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us. And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing how each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can: F**K. THAT. SHIT."

- XKCD

"Help! I am overpowered with died by the stupid people!"

- MPK, attempting to type french "They can't get me! Didn't yo momma ever teach you that you can't tackle lightning?!"

- Unknown

"Why is it that I went sixteen years without getting Rickrolled, but as soon as I figure out what it means it happens practically every other day?"

- MPK

"Blood is thicker than water. True, gold is thicker than both. But when you're out in the middle of a desert, dying of thirst and blood loss, asking for a drink of gold or for a gold transplant isn't gonna help you, methinks. The moral? Thicker isn't always better."

- MPK

"If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North."

- Abraham Lincoln, according to Micheal Scott "If anything from 4chan 'perfectly illustrates' a point you're trying to make, then you should probably rethink your life."

- MPK

"I really wish people could be held responsible for doomsday prophecies. As in, you make one, [and] it doesn't come to pass, we fire your rear end into space."

- JoachimLPQ of the SomethingAwful Forums

"We're not dead yet."

- Chuck Norris, Firewalker, 1986

"This weapon can destroy a city… a landmass… or even an entire planet anywhere in the Galaxy. And it looks like a gigantic..."

-, referring to the

"I'm not well! Actually, I'm dead!"

- Rusty Nailbender

Billions and billions served.