Talk:Knights of the Old Republic: Convict's Dawn/1-2

Chapter 1
Pretty good so far. I have some comments for you, though.


 * When you start talking about the Jedi Order, there’s no transition. It goes right from the ship to the Jedi and it’s like “wtf?” I also don’t know if you really need to give all that backstory on the Sith. Some context on Revan and Malak would be helpful, though. One thing Ataru always said to me was don’t just write fan fics for those who are in the know.
 * The beginning isn’t very catchy. It reads like an article does, as it really is just giving you a lot of info about planets and organizations and ships. I have that same problem too sometimes (and I say that so I don’t sound like a hypocrite), so one thing you might want to do is go back and find what you can chop out without losing anything important.
 * In reference to the above, one thing I see a lot of is explanations about what the Subjugation is and does. You could probably “flower it up” a bit with some beefed up prose.
 * I don’t know if this is intentional or not, but I really liked the comment about how the asteroid would be the perfect hiding place. It was a nice reference to Obi-Wan hiding on an asteroid in AOTC.
 * Another thing that would be nice if you gave a bit of descriptive info about what the main characters here look like. I don’t really know if they’re Arnold Schwarzenegger or Verne Troyer.
 * I’m not really feeling the battle scene, and when I say that I mean there’s still a lot of telling going on. I’m not getting the adventure, excitement, adrenaline, etc. I’m getting some information. While that’s not really bad in and of itself, it should be accompanied by the flowery prose.
 * The bridge sequences where they talk about engine damage and firing weapons, etc., almost seems like a battle scene from Star Trek. Now obviously I like Star Trek so I’m not saying that as a bad thing, but you may want to consider steering away from that, or at least make sure you don’t do it often.
 * Unless I missed/overlooked something, I didn’t really get a feel for where this novel is headed from this chapter. Now obviously you don’t have to lay all or even most of your cards out on the table in the beginning, but so far I’m mostly seeing stuff about a battle rather than a plot. If I missed something, by all means please point it out.

Despite these comments, I found the chapter rather enjoyable. I’ll certainly read more of the novel. It's "good stuff". - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 07:57, 18 February 2009 (UTC)