HP:Johun Othone

This is the review page for Johun Othone.

Objections

 * 1) Ridiculously excessive introduction, some improper grammar in section titles/image captions, with lots of very, very large paragraphs that need to be broken up. This needs general clean up before a proper review of the article can even be made. &mdash;Victor, Sr. «discussion» 08:08, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) *What improper grammar in section titles are you referring to?  Anti-Formal  Come slang wit' me Work I've Put In 17:49, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) As Victor said, huge paragraphs/per above. Not a bad article through. --Arav the Undersith  (Contact Me ) (My contributions ) 08:33, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Per above. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 12:57, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) Flies in the buttermilk: This article is seems to border on full-scale Mary Sueism. “Gifted” seems rather POVish to me. Moraled isn’t a word. Grammar mistakes
 * 6) *As a High Priest, aka. someone who has been tasked with reviewing and putting a stamp of approval or disapproval on an article, if you feel that that there are grammar errors then you should be going through this article line by line, documenting them and then posting them here. If you're not going to do that, you shouldn't be reviewing them at all. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 16:12, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) *I meant gifted as in gifted with Clairvoyance and could you give me an example on how it "borders of Mary-sueism" ? Anti-Formal  Come slang wit' me Work I've Put In 18:20, 7 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) General comments
 * 9) *Try varying “Johun” with “Othone”.
 * 10) *I don’t usual count storyline problems unless they’re completely ridiculous (which this is not), but Johun’s ability to use the Force comes too quickly. Don’t count this as a reason for oppose, but that part could be better.
 * Introduction
 * 1) *“Mediocre” should not come before “male Jedi Knight”.
 * 2) *The first sentence would read better as “Johun Othone was a male Jedi Knight during the Old Republic era. He was born in 1019 BBY on Sermeria. His parents were two kindhearted farmers.
 * 3) *In the third sentence, there’s an unneeded space before a comma.
 * 4) *Spelling: In the first sentence of the second paragraph, “Chancellors” needs to be “Chancellor’s”.
 * 5) *Spelling: In the second sentence of the same paragraph, “its” needs to be “it’s”.
 * 6) *Spelling: In the third sentence, there’s an unneeded space between the period.
 * 7) *Spelling: In the second sentence of the third paragraph, “Aros Bena’en” needs to be between commas.
 * 8) *Spelling: In the same sentence, there needs to be a comma before “only to have him killed by Darth Zannah”.
 * 9) *Spelling: The same sentence could be split into two.
 * Early life
 * 1) *The first paragraph should be split into two at “The Sith tracked them there”.
 * 2) *“Sith” needs to be linked to.
 * 3) *“Entire” sounds better than “whole”.
 * 4) *In the first sentence of the second paragraph, “and” sounds weird.
 * 5) *In the second sentence of the same paragraph, “and” is used twice.
 * 6) *Force Push should be linked to.
 * 7) *The paragraph could be split at “At the exit of the tunnels”.
 * 8) *Spelling: There needs to be a comma after “For months”.
 * 9) *Jedi needs to be linked to.
 * 10) *1008 BBY needs to be linked to.
 * 11) *Spelling: “Choosing” needs to be “chosing”.
 * 12) *There are two times when “Force” is not capitalized.
 * 13) *Spelling: A colon would work better than a comma before “Johun”.
 * Padawan
 * 1) *“Senate” needs to be capitalized and linked to.
 * 2) *“Hoth and Johun crusaded around the Outer Rim doing missions for the Senate and the Council”. What Council?
 * 3) *Spelling: “they’d” needs to be “they would”.
 * 4) *“In the chaos following this, Lord Gale and his Force would sneak up from the rear of the western turrets, which were the most effective, and jamming the turrets, causing them to explode which, according to Johun’s vision, would send shrapnel and debris flying at the eastern turrets, scattering the troopers operating them and giving Kiel Charny's force time to occupy the frontward space of the Sith encampment.” Commas are extremely misused here. I think you mean to add “which” before “according to Johun’s vision”, also.
 * 5) *Spelling: In the second sentence of the fourth paragraph, there needs to a comma after “However”.
 * 6) *“However, Johun would eventually be faced would the greatest of them all:Darth Bane. Johun foolhardily engaged Darth Bane”. There needs to a space after the colon, and Darth Bane should be called simply “Bane” in his second mention.
 * 7) *Vary “Bane” with “the Dark Lord”.
 * 8) *Spelling: The fourth sentence could be split at “the greatest of them all:Darth Bane”.
 * 9) *Sith lightning needs to be linked to.
 * More later. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:41, 9 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) Here are my quibbles:
 * 2) *In the introduction: ‘Rain,apprentice’ should be ‘Rain, apprentice’; space between the words please.
 * 3) *In the section entitled ‘Padawan’, ‘gatthered’ should be ‘gathered’.
 * 4) *In the section entitled: ‘Taking a Padawan’, this doesn’t flow so well: ‘. For four years Johun and Drevint whisked around the galaxy searching for Zannah. Johun came close to catching her on, where he found the body of Darth Bane, who she had killed and usurped.’ And should be changed to: ‘. For four years Johun and Drevint whisked around the galaxy searching for Zannah, and Johun came close to catching her on , where he found the body of Darth Bane who she had killed and usurped.’
 * 5) *In the section entitled ‘Death’, ‘occassionally’ should be ‘occasionally’.
 * 6) *The image layout look dreadful; they interrupt the text and don’t look pleasing to the eye. Have them going from left to right, and only put images at the beginning or end of paragraphs.
 * 7) *Same section, ‘Sit’ should be ‘Sith’.
 * 8) *Same section: ‘Zannah's unofficial apprentices, since after Darth Cognus' death there was no heir to the Sith throne, had became true Sith and combined their forces into one deadly front.’ Makes no sense whatsoever.
 * 9) *Same section, ‘sucessful’ should be ‘successful’.
 * 10) *Same section: ‘him.It’ should be ‘him. It’
 * 11) * In the ‘Personality and Traits’ section, this: ‘As a Padawan Johun followed his Master's orders without question with the occasional exception, mostly during times of stress.’ Should be ‘As a Padawan, Johun followed his Master's orders without question with the occasional exception, mostly during times of stress.’
 * 12) *In the introduction: ‘Johun Othone was a mediocre male Jedi Knight’ should have mediocre removed, as it’s Point of View.
 * 13) *Same section: ‘two kindhearted farmers.’ Same thing, but remove kindhearted.
 * 14) *I’d only read a part of it, and I already knew he was a blatant Mary Sue. The rest of it just added tons to that opinion. For example, he’s the only one to survive a number of attacks, manages to force push two Sith Lords away when he’s not even been trained… and it doesn’t just end there, sadly.
 * 15) *In ‘Early life’, ‘Johun was born to two peaceful farmers’ should have peaceful removed; it’s POV.
 * 16) *Same section, but with ‘who was fiercely protective’ and removing fiercely.
 * 17) *Same section, ‘on his parents farm until’ should be ‘on his parent’s farm until’.
 * 18) *In the section ‘Padawan’, ‘while they clumsily and hurriedly deployed’ should have clumsily and hurriedly removed, as they’re POV.
 * 19) *Same section: ‘However Hoth who had had similar thoughts before battle when he was younger, calmed his spirits’ should have an embedded clause, and be like this: ‘However Hoth, who had had similar thoughts before battle when he was younger, calmed his spirits’.
 * 20) *Same section: ‘despite his underdeveloped’ should have ‘underdeveloped’ removed, as it’s POV.
 * 21) *Same section: ‘eventually be faced would the greatest of them all:Darth Bane.’ Should be ‘eventually be faced would the greatest of them all: Darth Bane.’
 * 22) *Same section: ‘Johun foolhardily engaged’ should have foolhardily removed, as it’s POV.
 * 23) *Same section: ‘a vision of a devastating Sith’ should have devastating removed, as it’s POV.
 * 24) *Same section: ‘look for an wounded.’ Should be ‘look for any wounded.’
 * 25) *You’ve mentioned ‘Twi’Leks’ in the article; it should be ‘Twi’lek’.
 * 26) *I’d like to see lots more links to Star Wars Fanon articles. There’s no way this can reach FA with just this amount of links.
 * 27) *In the section ‘Jedi Knight’, ‘trained in an exotic weapon form’ should have exotic removed, as it’s POV.
 * 28) *Same section: ‘In an awe inspiring show of will’ should have awe inspiring removed. POV again.
 * 29) *Same section: ‘They told him that this act smacked of arrogance and grief-grief on his part that is.’ Doesn’t make sense.
 * 30) *Same section: ‘Council over Darovit testimony t find the hermit absent’ should be ‘Council over Darovit testimony to find the hermit absent’.
 * 31) *Same section: ‘Bane's Battle Precognition. His lightsaber skills had also improved’ should be ‘Bane's Battle Precognition. His lightsaber skills had also improved’ delete the double carriage return after recognition.
 * 32) *Same section: ‘However, she began to get lazy, underestimate them’ should firstly have lazy removed, and have the word ‘and’ placed before underestimate.
 * 33) *Same section: ‘Miraculously, the wrist healed itself, reconnecting with the rest with the rest of his arm.’ Removed ‘Miraculously’, as it’s POV.
 * 34) *Same section: ‘However, this did nothing to abate Bane's anger as Bane ran toward Worror and slashed all of his throats killing him and then turning and killing Farfalla almost immediately,’ should be ‘However, this did nothing to abate Bane's anger, as Bane ran toward Worror and slashed all of his throats, killing him, and then turning and killing Farfalla almost immediately.’ Insert commas please.
 * 35) *Same section: ‘him, frying him with his on lighting’ should have frying removed; it’s not used in the culinary sense, and so is used in more of a slang term.
 * 36) *Same section: ‘letting a stray bolt zing at Johun’ removed ‘zing’; it’s slang, and an absolutely horrible word.
 * 37) *Same section: ‘so Johun taught Drevint Form VI:Niman.’ Should be ‘so Johun taught Drevint Form VI; Niman.’ Or ‘so Johun taught Drevint Niman.’ Or ‘so Johun taught Drevint Form VI.’
 * 38) *Same section: ‘For four years Johun and Drevint whisked around the galaxy searching for Zannah.’ Removed ‘whisked’; it’s the same problem as ‘zing’.
 * 39) *Same section, ‘Apprentice Darth Cognus, a Rattataki Female.[Drevint engaged Cognus’ should be ‘Apprentice Darth Cognus, a Rattataki Female. Drevint engaged Cognus’.
 * 40) *In the section entitled ‘Jedi Master’, ‘The agents of a newly re-formed Jedi Covenant and asked’ should be ‘The agents of a newly re-formed Jedi Covenant asked’ couldn’t you think of a better word than ‘asked’?
 * 41) *Same section: ‘before taking a second apprentice:Aros Bena'en.’ Should be ‘before taking a second apprentice: Aros Bena'en.’
 * 42) *Same section: ‘He would start off training Aros in the lightsaber arts for about two years and finally, when Aros was thirteen; Johun began to help him nurture his Clairvoyance abilities.’ Should be ‘He would start off training Aros in the lightsaber arts for about two years and finally, when Aros was thirteen, Johun began to help him nurture his Clairvoyance abilities.’
 * 43) *Same section: ‘Aros had a knack for Clairvoyance’ stop using all this slang! We’re not your friends talking to you on MSN or something! Remove knack, and sort out the POV in there.
 * 44) *In the section ‘Death’, ‘In one massive attack, the unofficial Sith, Zannah's Sith, they called themselves assaulted the citadel.’ Should be ‘In one massive attack, the unofficial Sith, calling Zannah's Sith as they called themselves, assaulted the citadel.’
 * 45) *Same section: ‘past the Jedi s protecting the building easily’ should be ‘past the Jedi protecting the building’. Remove easily and the typo, as easy is POV.
 * 46) *In ‘Personality and traits’: ‘Johun was a calm, centered, and humorous’ should be ‘Johun was calm, centered, and humorous’.
 * 47) *Overall, not a terrible article. You should have run this through a spell checker first, and the POV in the article is just horrible, but that’s easily fixed. The problem is that it’s a Mary Sue, and a blatant one at that. You’d need large re-writes to fix that, and so I don’t feel it’ll be ready for some time. --[[Image:Darthtomsig.png|163px]] iChat What I've done 16:42, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

Comments

 * Per Tom. --Arav the Undersith (Contact Me ) (My contributions ) 05:52, 19 August 2008 (UTC)

Paragraphs are typically 5-7 sentences in length. However, they need to be logically put together. Don't just count out 5-7 sentences and then break the paragraphs up. They need to be broken at logical breaking points. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 17:46, 3 August 2008 (UTC) I've started reviewing it. Drewton  ( Drewton's Holocron ) 13:59, 9 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Well, uh, sorry about the introduction I couldn't find a way to shorten it without taking out relevant information and i'll shorten the paragraphs right now.  Anti-Formal  Come slang wit' me Work I've Put In 12:25, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * The paragraphs don't need to be shortened, just split. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 12:57, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * That's what I meant. How long to you recommend the paragraphs to be sentence wise?  Anti-Formal  Come slang wit' me Work I've Put In 17:45, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Thanks I'll make sure to do that.
 * Alright I've made sufficient changes- minus the introduction .  Anti-Formal  Come slang wit' me Work I've Put In 18:40, 3 August 2008 (UTC)