Talk:Herald of Chaos/@comment-31421-20190823202048

Hi! You asked for some feedback, so here's what I have:

First, some caveats:

This is not my era of expertise (not to be confused with area), and neither are Sith characters. Furthermore, if you don't feel like you can accept constructive criticism, I would rather you ignore the rest of the post and keep writing than be discouraged by my critiques. My goal is to help you become a better writer, but if my review doesn't help in that goal, or if it's too overwhelming, disregard the post and carry on.

The review

The story hits all the basic benchmarks of writing a short story and then goes above and beyond in a few places. It's not too long, and it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. There's a central conflict which is resolved, and the characters are reasonable for the most part, if a little cliche at times. By the numbers, this is a perfectly serviceable story and arguably above average for this wiki.

Technically speaking, there is plenty of potential, but the phrasing and sentence structure is fairly elementary. My harshest critique is that it does not flow well, which is okay as a conscious choice for limited durations, but the story really does not come into its own until nearer the end. I make no claims on how to teach proper flow, but a method that has helped me is to try reading it aloud and see if it sounds smooth with the phrases easily rolling off of the tongue. If the previous sentence does not transition seamlessly into the next, or if the phrases don't connect, then there is room for improvement. In my personal writing journey, I have found that there is almost always room for improvement. I will offer a suggestion based on this excerpt:

This is the original prose

Where is this going? Alahn thought to himself. He was genuinely curious now. Whenever the Dark Council had summoned him in the past, it was generally to obtain progress reports or perhaps to teach a lesson waiting to be learned. In Alahn’s perspective too, their close attention to his training was also a sign that the Council viewed him as important to the future of the Empire’s fury. This meeting, however, was different. Alahn figured they intended to promote him in some way, given the praise he was receiving. But he could not rush to conclusions, especially not as a Sith.

This is how I would write it:

Where is this going? Alahn thought, now genuinely curious. Previously, the Dark Council's summons had dealt with matters of progress reports or perhaps a special lesson in his training. Their close attention to his progress indicated that the Council viewed him as important to the future of the Empire. This meeting, however, was different. Alahn allowed himself to suspect a promotion or elevation of some kind, given the praise he was receiving, but he could not rush to conclusions, especially not as a Sith.

I have reduced the number of redundant words and phrases (we already know this paragraph is from Alahn's perspective, rendering the phrase "In Alahn's perspective too," redundant. I have also condensed the sentences such that they read better through varied sentence length and structure, as well as transitioning the thoughts between sentences more fluidly. Again, I have no particular guidelines on how to master flow other than reading it aloud, practicing, and reading how other authors do it.

The story has a number of grammatical errors, like the below example, but they are not as egregious as the choppy flow.

" I now bare over my face " - this should be "bear" and would be better written as "bear on" as opposed to "bear over"

Narratively, I also see room for improvement. The first seven paragraphs are spent on description of Alahn walking into a room, but while there are many ways to immerse your reader into the story, this particular one is unwieldy. It would be better to  show rather than tell Alahn's perceptions and actions. The description seems perhaps a little too formulaic; I like the world-building, but it's told too much. It improves once his interactions with Kariphos start, but prior to that, it's underwhelming. Alahn's arc reminds me of someone like Kylo Ren or Anakin Skywalker, except that we have yet to receive many reasons to care about him. Why does this young upstart matter to the reader? The initial hook is missing or weak. Furthermore, he never really struggles in his resolve to kill Kariphos and basically brute-forces his way through it. This is exactly in contradiction to the lesson he received from the Dark Council earlier, so ... is he just so powerful that he can brute-force his way through things? He puts his theory to test and is right? Narratively, that's not very interesting and leads down a dark path to Mary Sue-dom if not carefully restrained. Lastly, I have one specific complaint about this phrase:

" even to someone like Alahn who knew no emotion—he had been raised as such, bred from birth to become a weapon of the Sith. " - This is directly in contradiction to the Sith code as well as Alahn's actions/thoughts. He has emotions, even if he doesn't care to admit the fact.

On my 5-point scale, I rate Herald of Chaos as 2/5 narrative and 2/5 technical. This is a functional story--good, but not great. However, I believe that the author has the potential to develop further and this particular work can be a stepping stone to better writing acumen. Atarumaster88 ( Talk page ) 20:20, August 23, 2019 (UTC)