Talk:Redbound/story text

Review

 * Been meaning to check out your work for some time since you stopped by on IRC. My first impressions are that the story is pretty good, definitely above average for this wiki, and I'm glad you posted it. There are a few recurring things that pop up ("Dark Side" is never capitalized) and the occasional spelling error (fillegree vs filigree) but they're not glaring.

It reads rather like a level from a first-person-shooter video game from Zhou's perspective, and has about the same amount of minimal characterization. He's described as a good leader and a courageous red-blooded soldier with a head for tactics. He has a lot of respect for combatants and little for civilians or combat drones. He's Generic Military Hero #42, in other words. I haven't read Shakvail yet so maybe he's expounded on more there. The story's description tends more towards the lean, which is probably appropriate given the choice of narration. Still, the combat made sense. It wasn't overdone, and I could follow every motion of it vividly. Probably the story's strongest point is that the combat is well-done.

There are four things that seem to be done solely because they're cool. First off, the boarding of the enemy ship to send a message. Insofar as I understand, the original ship hasn't been disabled to the point where it has no communications. Why board the Separatist ship? Second, the other guards' adulation of Zhou seems misplaced. They're all sounding like grim soldiers about to make a heroic last stand, but most of them aren't even scared or terrified. For that matter, neither are the passengers, who are either remarkably calm or petrified. I'm not necessarily buying that level of profundity given that these people aren't soldiers at all. Third, you have Zhou carrying Aracya at one point. The guy has already kicked a door and been shot in the thigh, and he's doing a full-body lift. Only her foot and shoulder are seriously injured and it'd be more understandable if he looped her good arm around his neck and walked her over to the escape pods (the actual term for this eludes me) so she didn't have to put weight on her foot but he didn't have to carry her weight. No, he full-body-carries her because that's what heroes do. Last off, why is he kicking a durasteel door anyway? Wouldn't it be more effective if she just used telekinesis?

On a technical level, I'm not fond of the way the dialogue is interspersed into the text. In most instances, it's understandable, but there are a few that are confusing.

"“Jedi?” it came from a dozen or more throats. “There’s no Jedi aboard.” Someone, Zhou thought it might have been a passenger, added."

- Redbound

Tacking on the attribution at the end makes it read somewhat awkward. Another thing unusual is that there's no distinction made between description and Zhou's thoughts, which makes part of it read like the story slides between first and third-person perspective in the middle of paragraphs. If the story was written from first-person, it'd make much more sense, but having nothing to distinguish the narrative from the "voice in his head" is kinda clumsy. Overall, the technical proficiency of the story is pretty solid, but there's any number of little things like comma splices and lack of commas that hurt it.

In summary, Redbound is a pretty good read, probably FWN material. The combat is excellent and the plot twist in the middle is well-executed, though of course there are weak points. Personally, I'd like to see it cleaned up and submitted for FWN because I think it has potential. An unfortunate side effect of reviews is that they harp on the negative, but my hope is that my comments are seen as constructive and can help improve the story. I'll give it 3/5 narrative and 3/5 technical in its present state, subject to improvements. Atarumaster88  ( Talk page ) 22:47, February 5, 2012 (UTC)