CS:Desnium

This is the archived featured article review page for Desnium. It was originally given featured article status by the Decreton Lords, though they made it a formerly featured article in the third featured article review. It was later re-promoted under the Council of Seers.

First featured article nomination (successful)
Approve


 * 1) Yeah. Great article, certainly meets standards. - President Brandon Rhea [[Image:Presidentialseal.gif|27px]] (Pressroom)   (Accomplishments)  05:14, 25 November 2007 (UTC)
 * 2) -- Don Victor, Sr.  [[Image:Coat of arms of Mexico.png|20px]] ( contact ) 05:19, 25 November 2007 (UTC)
 * 3) It's good. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  12:52, 25 November 2007 (UTC)
 * 4) [[Image:NKsig.png|70px]] Jesus Freak NK says NK's 'mazin' articles [[Image:sabersmilygreend.jpg]] 14:50, 28 November 2007 (UTC)

Disapprove/complaints

Second featured article nomination (successful)
Approve


 * 1) Yes. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 16:31, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Approved based on the corrected objections. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 19:06, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Looks fine. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined 23:09, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Checks out. --[[Image:Xepeyon.JPG|35px]] You Speak, I've Spoken 13:44, 17 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) - Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:59, 20 October 2008 (UTC)

Disapprove/complaints


 * 1) From Drewton's holocron:
 * 2) * "The Desnium form was known as the assertion form because the user, mainly Narod Antrell," Sounds awkward. He can't be mainly the only user. The most notable, perhaps, but I suppose that would be POV.
 * 3) **He is the main user. The only other was his son, who didn't begin until much later.--Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 16:03, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) ***It still sounds awkward, but I've struck my objection. Drewton  [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 16:30, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) * "Desnium first began to get applied when Narod Antrell began developing it," "Get"'s not a very good word voice. Perhaps "first began to be employed" or "was first employed"?
 * 6) **Addressed.--Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 16:03, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) * "When he finally returned into the ranks of the Jedi Order when he was picked up by K'Kruhk on Dantooine, Antrell immediately began focusing on his lightsaber skill once more." "When" is used twice here.
 * 8) **Addressed.--Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 16:03, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) * "Antrell continued to fight for the Insurgence, utilizing the form primarily against stormtroopers or petty officers" Petty is POV.
 * 10) **No, it isn't. This is exactly what I meant. --Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 16:03, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Drewton [[Image:Era-old.png|20px]] ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:21, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) From the combative Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea
 * 2) * “The form was not deliberately developed, although it turned out that way naturally”. This is a confusing statement. It seems to imply that it was not deliberately developed, though it was deliberately developed anyway. Clarification is needed.
 * 3) * “it left its mark on the galaxy”. Borderline POV. Who’s to determine whether it left a mark? The simple way to fix this would just be to say, “it was said to have left a mark on the galaxy” or some other variation of that.
 * 4) * “K'Kruhk and Narod Antrell in practice session”. Should this be in “a” practice session?
 * 5) * “The best way to utilize Desnium”. POV. Simple way to fix this would be to say “Antrell believed that the best way to utilize Desnium” and so forth.
 * 6) * “If while one is attacking”. Tense.
 * 7) * “Desnium did not rely too much on lightsaber sequences”. I don’t know why, but I’m not really liking the whole “rely too much” part. Perhaps you could say it did not heavily rely on it? It’s not that big of a deal, so I’ll leave that up to you.
 * 8) * “When on the defensive”. I could be wrong, but should this be “While on the defensive”?
 * 9) * “Desnium began to be applied when Narod Antrell began developing it”. I’d suggest changing one of the begans to something else.
 * 10) * In the third paragraph of the applications section, you mention 15 BBY. A few sentences later, you mention “a year later” and link to 13 BBY. Although it can be assumed that the Battle of Trilos took place in 14 BBY, that should be clarified and made clear.
 * 11) * “At that duel was the first time Antrell became much more aggressive with Desnium”. This is an awkward sentence. It’s mainly because of the “at”, which seems to be misplaced. I’d also suggest ending the sentence after “with Desnium” and beginning a new one with “Using”.
 * 12) * “In that duel, K'Kruhk was killed, which actually inspired Antrell”. “Actually” seems to be a bit misplaced here. It would be better used if the sentence was “K’Kruhk was killed, and although some would have been discouraged by the death of a master and a friend, Anterll was actually inspired” and so forth.
 * 13) * “Narod Antrell and his partner since the duel on Ossus, Zeri Undis, who had become his lover”. Awkward wording. It would probably work better as, “Narod Antrell and Zeri Undis, who had been his partner since the duel on Ossus and later his lover” and so forth.
 * 14) * The next two sentences begin with “It was then”. One of them should be changed.
 * 15) * “Therefore, although Desnium was created since roughly 18 BBY”. “Since” seems a bit misplaced here. When something was created is concrete. It would work better if you said “had been in development since”.
 * 16) * “Antrell was forced to apply the form”. Forced is POV. It implies that he had no other choice, which isn’t true.
 * 17) * “extremely stressing the Force”. I see what you’re going for here, but “extremely” is POV. I’d suggest removing it.
 * 18) * “in the process, taken to”. There seems to be a missing word between the comma and “taken”.
 * 19) * “where Antrell was relentless in his attack”. Relentless is borderline POV. I’d let this one slide, though.
 * 20) * “The duel was the final time Antrell was seen utilizing Desnium in combat”. You’ve given a lot of examples where this form was used. Does this mean it was the first time it was used to its full potential? Does it mean it was the first time there were witnesses. Please clarify.
 * 21) * “to create a more legitimate lightsaber form”. Legitimate is POV. The simple fix would be “what Dorantes felt was a more legitimate”.
 * 22) * These are simple fixes. It’s a good article overall. I’m impressed by the overall detail of it, and the images are pretty good. Nice find there. I was a little confused at first by the lack of a history section, though I found that it was in Applications so that’s fine. Nice work. Funny story: I actually had to review this article twice. I had the whole review written out in my school’s computer lab, and then guess what happened? Some stupid moron kicked the power cord out. I had to review it again! That makes this review extra special! :P - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 17:04, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) **I've attended to all errors and such. However, your penultimate objections, I don't get what you mean. It said it was the final time he was seen using it, not first. Anyway, please re-review as necessary. --Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 17:29, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Whoops, my bad. - Brandon Rhea  (talk) (contribs) 19:06, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) *I'd like to see an infobox in the article. I'd also suggest changing the title "Applications" to "History and applications" just for clarification purposes. However, these two are just personal preference, and I'm not requiring them if you don't want them. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 04:00, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) **For the header change, I prefer it the way it is, because I am following Wookieepedia's example on a featured lightsaber combat articles (Form IV: Ataru and Form V: Shien / Djem So). I don't like long headers and like you said, its just preference, and I already told you mine. As for the infobox, I find it useless in this case for two reasons. Unfortunately, the lightsaber combat infobox was just a mere copy of one Darth tyler once created, but with bad/bright colors, so I created the current one we use with basic colors, dull colors (heh). Anyway, at the time the content was OK, but since then both my standards and the Wiki standards have been raised, and I think the infobox just looks messy. So, as my preference, I won't be using one here, since it's not required and since I don't like the lightsaber combat infobox anyway. If a better one were constructed, then perhaps, but for now, I will refrain from using it. --Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 04:04, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

Comments


 * 1) I have brought this article back up to standards today, hopefully it can redeem its former featured article status. Enjoy. --Victor [[Image:Vic sig logo.png|15px]] talk 05:13, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

Third featured article review (revoked)
Complaints


 * 1) Don't really see anything wrong with this article. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  20:13, 1 July 2008 (UTC)
 * From the saber-wielding desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Overall, Desnium was a devastating and highly efficient lightsaber form when used in combat." Okay, let's not butter ourselves up too much. POV, Rule 3.2
 * "Although Desnium never left a true legacy, its practitioners did so through its use." Weasel words; reword per Rule 3.1 (Intro)
 * "Desnium was not created to be an aggressive form, therefore its attack was not the best, however, it was still considered deadly and resilient." POV, Rule 3.2
 * A minor quibble if you actually care about canon. There's no way a form derived from Ataru would open defensively. You even state this in the BTS, so why do you insist it's derived from Ataru?
 * "The attacks from Desnium would usually vary, of course, though most attacks usually were aimed at the torso and lower" Lower what? Body? Limbs?
 * "Narod often used this form against conventional enemies, those who could not wield the Force against him." Redundant wording and/or POV to refer to non-Force sensitives as "conventional".
 * "With a single lightsaber, Narod would take a step back and then speed of," Possibly missing an "f" here.
 * "Unfortunately for the practitioners, using the one-handed form against Force wielding enemies was not a smart choice, since it was weak and the user was often left open for attack against such enemies." Informal tone and unclear wording. Rule 3.1
 * "That was why the one-handed form was not recommended for lightsaber combat, and instead recommended for conventional enemies." See above.
 * "Narod learned that the other lightsaber form he had begun using was Sokan, a form which was used to play on terrestrial advantages and a stronger defense." I believe the word you are looking for is terrain; terrestrial refers to planetary locations. It is, of course, your choice on the wording, so I won't push this.
 * "Either way, this form of attack was fast and at the same time utilizing one's Force potential to their advantage." Awkward verbage, rule 3.1
 * I find this article overall unimpressive, especially considering . That's not really an objection; I'm still working on how hard I can push 3.3. Regardless, have a Super Terrific Un-frustrating day.  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 21:10, 13 July 2008 (UTC)

Revoke status?


 * 1) No. - Solus  (Bird of Prey)  20:13, 1 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) *Yesh. - Solus (Bird of Prey)  16:46, 12 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Yes. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 21:10, 13 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Yes. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 16:18, 12 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) Affirmative. Since Vic appears to be rewriting this article, we can give it a second look later, after he's done with it. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page)|undefined 00:49, 23 August 2008 (UTC)