Thread:Sakaros/@comment-3436482-20200127211623/@comment-104549-20200211012238

Under ordinary circumstances it would seem a little pushy, but in this case, I specifically said I'd do this for you, so it's fine.

Here are my thoughts, roughly tracking the progress of the article. I'm not going to denote every instance of every issue; rather, I'm going to note problems and leave it to you to seek out instances of them.
 * Make sure you use the correct word, e.g. "renowned", not "renown" ("renown" is a word, but it's a noun, where you clearly wanted an adjective).
 * Write out numbers smaller than 100; don't use numerals ("twenty-two", not 22).
 * There are a bunch of redlinks, but I assume that's because you're trying to get this one up to standard before making more (quality over quantity). That's a solid plan for now, just note that it can't stay that way forever.
 * Make sure you use past tense (e.g. "began", not "would begin"; "might very well", not "may very well"; "was", not "is"; etc.).
 * Don't use contractions in non-fan-fiction writing (e.g. "he had", not "he'd")
 * Make sure pronouns match their antecedents (e.g. the Empire is an "it", not a "they"; so is a MagnaGuard, since it's a machine and has no gender). Also, make sure they're clear; in "With only her own lightsaber to light her immediate environment, Ren was completely hidden", that text suggests "her" applies to Ren, not the Twelfth Sister (a dangling participle).
 * Be sure to spell-check ("receive", not "recieve").
 * There's a lot of detail, which isn't inherently bad, but some of it is duplicative. Take "with Eigy staying with the ship both to guard it and not rouse suspicion from the local populace, as seeing a Clone Wars era battle droid on the former CIS capital planet might attract attention from the Empire".  You could easily remove the last clause; most readers would understand why a MagnaGuard would draw suspicion without having to be told.  Sometimes you have to hold readers by the hand because you're making a complex point, but try not to make it a habit.
 * Watch out for Neutral Point of View (NPOV). For instance, "Fortunately, the crew survived the crash landing with minimal injury"—the article shouldn't comment on whether it's fortunate or not, just what happened.  Same applies to describing Ren's lightsaber skills as "impressive"—impressive to whom?  You can read about NPOV here; to make a long story short, while a former Admin made the unilateral decision to change the policy, that didn't actually make it stop applying, so it still does.
 * Thematic issues
 * I always get a bit skeptical when characters are connected to canon characters (such as being a descendant of Revan and trained by Mace Windu). It doesn't necessarily kill a story, but it may make a lot of readers default toward a more critical reading, so that's something of which you should be aware.
 * I struggle more with the concept of mastering light and dark equally and being able to use either at will, because that's not just contrary to canon (we're a fanon site; "contrary to canon" is sort of our thing), but because it undermines a foundational concept of the fictional universe itself.

I hope this helps. If any of it's unclear, let me know and I'll try to clarify.