Talk:Star Wars: The Yuuzhan Vong/@comment-31421-20200102183034

I was asked for feedback directly, so here it is. First off, I want to note that it's better than ''Civil War. ''There's a semi-coherent plot and I did actually read it all. Credit where it's due to the author for improving. I still think there's a very long way to go in terms of improvement, however. The writing has numerous grammatical errors, there are a number of anachronistic references to Earth still, and the Yuuzhan Vong are nothing like what we know of them from the Legends continuity, which is a real head-scratcher. However, let's start with one lesson at a time, and in my mind, the most important: The world-building in your work is a puddle. I want a lake or a sea--and I'd prefer an ocean. Let's start with the opening paragraph. I'm going to dissect this paragraph and hopefully that will give you some ideas of how to improve your writing going forward.

''Darkness ruled around the galactic war. Neither side was getting anywhere. On the planet of Yavin 4, Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds searched together for any means of food. They were not running low, but needed everything they could get. The area the two clones were in was misty along with clouds storming in. Ponds had the urge to talk to Carg about some of his past. He cleared his throat and began with a silly tone, “Hey, Carg. I’m getting tired of just moping around like this. When are we gonna get some action?” ''

The first two sentences are a distraction from the rest of the paragraph. They're either pointless filler or they need to be greatly expounded upon. Personally, I'd lean towards pointless filler and remove them. Now, you could add about three or more hefty sentences establishing the overall galactic scenario, but that's ''boring. ''Your story's opening paragraph needs to be a hook that catches the reader's attention. If you lead off with a paragraph of exposition describing the state of the galaxy, it's probably not as interesting as dropping the user straight into the action. Think about the opening scene of A New Hope after the crawl. It drops you right into the action. Okay, so here's round one:

''On the planet of Yavin 4, Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds searched together for any means of food. They were not running low, but needed everything they could get. The area the two clones were in was misty along with clouds storming in. Ponds had the urge to talk to Carg about some of his past. He cleared his throat and began with a silly tone, “Hey, Carg. I’m getting tired of just moping around like this. When are we gonna get some action?” ''

All right, we've cut some useless sentences off of the front. Now let's see about that hook. A foraging mission is not very interesting--but it could be made to be. Moreover, there's not enough backstory here to truly establish what's going on, so let's re-arrange some things to make it seem more live and less like a narrator of a documentary. "searched together for any means of food' is not a particularly elegant turn of phrase either. Let's move the first phrase to a new sentence to establish the setting. Think about what our characters are feeling and experiencing. Then we'll add some connecting thoughts that will help establish your characters' opinion of the setting before connecting it to your original thought.

''Yavin IV's jungle was like most rain forests: swelteringly humid, obnoxiously constricted by undergrowth, and almost impossible to navigate. Most students of military history knew that fighting in such a place often became a quagmire for invading armies, undermining most technological advances of a modern army. Campaign after campaign on thickly-forested worlds like Krant, Thyferra, and Endor had ended in miserable defeat for organized militaries facing primitive guerrillas. Yet such a setting was where two members of the galaxy's once-finest military organization found themselves. Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds tromped through the jungle, foraging for edible plants, or perhaps an animal to hunt.''

Okay, now we need to know who they are and who are they fighting for. I don't actually know, so I'm going to assume they're New Republic but used to be clone soldiers.

''Yavin IV's jungle was like most rain forests: swelteringly humid, obnoxiously constricted by undergrowth, and almost impossible to navigate. Most students of military history knew that fighting in such a place often became a quagmire for invading armies, undermining most technological advances of a modern army. Campaign after campaign on thickly-forested worlds like Krant, Thyferra, and Endor had ended in miserable defeat for organized militaries facing primitive guerrillas. Yet such a setting was where two members of the galaxy's once-finest military organization found themselves. Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds, once soldiers in the Grand Army of the Republic but sundered from service when the Empire rose, tromped through the jungle, foraging for edible plants, or perhaps an animal to hunt. They were now members of the New Republic, the successor state that had arisen from the Empire's ashes thanks to heroes like Han Solo and Luke Skywalker who had overthrown the Empire's tyrannical reign.''

Ah, okay, now we know who they are. Why are they out foraging again? Let's glean from your original thought.

''Yavin IV's jungle was like most rain forests: swelteringly humid, obnoxiously constricted by undergrowth, and almost impossible to navigate. Most students of military history knew that fighting in such a place often became a quagmire for invading armies, undermining most technological advances of a modern army. Campaign after campaign on thickly-forested worlds like Krant, Thyferra, and Endor had ended in miserable defeat for organized militaries facing primitive guerrillas. Yet such a setting was where two members of the galaxy's once-finest military organization found themselves. Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds, once soldiers in the Grand Army of the Republic but sundered from service when the Empire rose, tromped through the jungle, foraging for edible plants, or perhaps an animal to hunt. They were now members of the New Republic, the successor state that had arisen from the Empire's ashes thanks to heroes like Han Solo and Luke Skywalker who had overthrown the Empire's tyrannical reign. The New Republic forces were not running low on food, but having fresh supplies was always helpful and it gave them an excuse to survey the surrounding area.''

Now, this gives us an opportunity to bring in the description of the weather. While they are out on a recon mission, it's not likely they will see much success with bad weather. However, I'm still going to rephrase your sentence because it's very cut and dry, and "with clouds storming in" is again, not very elegantly written. We need more action and we need to feel and see with them, not just read about it.

''Yavin IV's jungle was like most rain forests: swelteringly humid, obnoxiously constricted by undergrowth, and almost impossible to navigate. Most students of military history knew that fighting in such a place often became a quagmire for invading armies, undermining most technological advances of a modern army. Campaign after campaign on thickly-forested worlds like Krant, Thyferra, and Endor had ended in miserable defeat for organized militaries facing primitive guerrillas. Yet such a setting was where two members of the galaxy's once-finest military organization found themselves. Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds, once soldiers in the Grand Army of the Republic but sundered from service when the Empire rose, tromped through the jungle, foraging for edible plants, or perhaps an animal to hunt. They were now members of the New Republic, the successor state that had arisen from the Empire's ashes thanks to heroes like Han Solo and Luke Skywalker who had overthrown the Empire's tyrannical reign. The New Republic forces were not running low on food, but having fresh supplies was always helpful and it gave them an excuse to survey the surrounding area. As the clones pushed through the forest, the thick undergrowth obstructing their movements was soon joined by heavy mist. Carg peered up through the verdant canopy and saw roiling cloudbanks overhead. A storm was rolling in. Undeterred, they forged ahead, protected from the elements by their armor. ''

At this point, we have sufficiently painted the scenario for our two characters. Now we can end the paragraph and cut to their dialogue. This area also doesn't make much sense. If Ponds wants to talk about the past, why is he starting in a "silly tone"? Is he a jokester? If so, he should lead with a joke or a ridiculous comment. If he's more moody or reflective, then why is he using a "silly tone?" Since humor is hard to teach how to write, I'm going to add a tie-in to the weather and go with moody. I'll start with a pair of transition sentences into the dialogue. I will also break up the sentence to give Carg a chance to reply.

''Yavin IV's jungle was like most rain forests: swelteringly humid, obnoxiously constricted by undergrowth, and almost impossible to navigate. Most students of military history knew that fighting in such a place often became a quagmire for invading armies, undermining most technological advances of a modern army. Campaign after campaign on thickly-forested worlds like Krant, Thyferra, and Endor had ended in miserable defeat for organized militaries facing primitive guerrillas. Yet such a setting was where two members of the galaxy's once-finest military organization found themselves. Advanced Recon Captain Carg and Sector Commander Ponds, once soldiers in the Grand Army of the Republic but sundered from service when the Empire rose, tromped through the jungle, foraging for edible plants, or perhaps an animal to hunt. They were now members of the New Republic, the successor state that had arisen from the Empire's ashes thanks to heroes like Han Solo and Luke Skywalker who had overthrown the Empire's tyrannical reign. The New Republic forces were not running low on food, but having fresh supplies was always helpful and it gave them an excuse to survey the surrounding area. As the clones pushed through the forest, the thick undergrowth obstructing their movements was soon joined by heavy mist. Carg peered up through the verdant canopy and saw roiling cloudbanks overhead. A storm was rolling in. Undeterred, they forged ahead, protected from the elements by their armor. Nevertheless, Ponds found his mood dampened by the rugged terrain, their lack of success, and the gloomy weather. He cleared his throat, voicing the frustration that had been building for days--but especially over the last rain-soaked hour of trudging.''

"Hey, Carg."

"What is it?"

"I’m getting tired of just moping around like this. When are we gonna get some action?”

Now, compare your original opening to what I have written and see the difference. Sure, it's not perfect, and a professional author would no doubt have many things they could critique and correct about what I have written. However, I will contend that it is much more fleshed out and leads into your story better. That's what you should be aiming for ''throughout your entire work. ''I appreciate your dedication to writing and your desire to improve, so I have given you about as much help as I ever give anyone at this stage. Please keep writing, but hopefully keep learning as well, particularly in the areas of world building and description.

'''One last thing: do not copy/paste the opening I wrote in your story. Come up with your own. '''