User:Atarumaster88/scratchpad

Rohi

 * From the holy words of the desk of Atarumaster88


 * Last three sentences of intro, para 1, could be reworded to be clearer
 * Not to nitpick, but your infobox and the statement that only the males have wings appears to be contradictory, since that's clearly a female unless male Rohi wear dresses and have s.
 * "They appeared to be, from all known research, not that far biologically from Humans and several near-Humans." I think the word "species" should be tacked onto the end of that, but I wasn't sure. This occurs later on in that paragraph as well.
 * The rise of Lord Shatan has serious tense issues. Per the MoS, all IU articles should be in the past tense.
 * "As he prepared and planned, he commanded the more talented of his to devise ways of strengthening his army," The more talented of his what?
 * "Timæus was deceived by Lord Shatan, and the war that he led was later called the War of Megiddo, which was the most furious of any of the Rohi was then or since because of its intense use of their innate powers, which caused the destruction of the Taivas moon of Megiddo. " Run-on, rule 3.2
 * "Sometime after the fall of Timæus, it is not revealed just when, a legend concerning the Rohi plays out." Do something with that central clause. It doesn't read in an encylopediac format. A pair of dashes would help, but it could still be better.
 * In the Timaeus's rebellion section, cut the "her fate is unknown" stuff per MoS.
 * "This interest was not in conquering them, they were content with their kingdom as it was, but because they felt guilty for being the race that unleashed Lord Shatan, the Imager, on the universe, and it was evident that other races were just as susceptible as themselves to Lord Shatan's lies." Run-on. That second phrase particularly gums up this sentence the way it's only delineated by commas.
 * "They made an effort to try and fight for the good and right for the Jiréh in the galaxy at large." POV and un-encyclopediac. Rule 3.1, Rule 3.2
 * "Though their participation seemed little, in many of the galaxy's wars, there were Rohi fighting for what the Jiréh deemed right, though some abandoned the Jiréh to fight for themselves." Wait, if the Jireh is the Force, when did it become plural? Please clarify.
 * A more detailed explanation of the False Prophet's "magic" is in order.
 * "Thus, the Archs, with the blessing of the Prophet, set out to enter the 'Outisder' galaxy and destroy the False Prophet for what he had done." Is that supposed to be "Outsider"?
 * "innocent bystanders." is POV.
 * "who was an extremely powerful Human." POV
 * Tense issues in culture and government, per MoS.
 * "There were almost never no more or less than seven Archs at one time. Archs were chosen by the Jiréh through the Prophet for their bravery,"–"never no more"? Reword.
 * Some uncreative wording in describing their psyches that could use variation
 * "Rohi were, strangely, possessing of an innocent spirit, despite their talents as warriors, which makes it difficult for them to settle with other, more 'experienced' races. This innocence, not surprisingly, was lost forever when her or she turned to the dark." These sentences don't belong in the paragraph where they currently are.
 * "whether proven or unproven" weasel words, cut.
 * FWIW, "caducar" doesn't mean "fallen" in Spanish. It's an infinitive . . . the noun is different.
 * I'm not familiar with the play, but the typical spelling is "Lazarus", which is used by the Holy Bible.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Battle of Abyssion V

 * From the blood-spattered desk of Atarumaster88


 * I'm not fixing all the misuses of "Dark Side". If it was one or two, sure. Per MoS.
 * I find your lack of description of this third "mysterious" faction disturbing. This isn't a novel, give us the info please.
 * Methinks "dark sage" actually should be capitalized.
 * "The Jedi and Sith starfighters were routing around the battlefield, attempting to retreat from their attackers, to little avail." This makes little sense, reword, particularly that first verb.
 * Detail on the Jedi/Sith alliance and in orbit actions is lacking. Rule 3.3
 * "As the fleets' size diminished, both leaders commanded that the remaining force come into orbit and provide air support for their infantry counterparts." This also makes little sense, as the forces were in orbit already according to the article.
 * "and would have routed immediately at dawn if not for their oaths to their respective masters." To quote Inago Montoya, You keep saying that word. I do not think that word (routed) means what you think it does.
 * "As the Sith issued all troops to combat the foe as they proceeded down the hill," Again, with the confusing verbs. If this was something I could fix, believe me I would, but I have no idea what this is supposed to mean.
 * "Blasting every living thing around him with stagnate, dozens and dozens of enemy's were weakened by the blast. After they were very near death, he cursed himself and the Jedi with Dark Tongue, and the Thought bomb was then unleashed, blasting himself and every Force sensitive object around him." What are you trying to use the word "stagnate" for? Because it makes no sense at all.
 * How do you keep an infamous battle under wraps? That makes no sense either.
 * Not that I've read Ertimu's article, but he has to be the most underdeveloped villain ever. Where the kriff did he come from, and why was he attacking? Where did he get his army of orbs and Shadowthingies from? None of this is explained. Rule 3.3.
 * Per Solus, source your images properly.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Chapek IX

 * From the NPOV desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Though not the best of outcomes, it was still better than having a robot controlled world. " Blatant POV that must die a horrible death.
 * "but it has a history of a very important planet." POV and useless information to boot.
 * No timeline given for that Cohen individual. Rule 3.3
 * "on the fantastic reign of Cohen." POV.
 * "here began to be talk of a rebellion, the planet against the entire Republic, and it did not seem too crazy to expect that. But Cohen was loyal, but his droids weren't." Ugh, poorly-written and/or POV.
 * More context needed on why the people didn't listen to the new leader. Otherwise, the whole "let's elect someone but not listen to him" is very silly.
 * No time-line for the pirate thing.
 * "and Katal Segey were on their routine smuggling ring, paying for some and stealing for a lot. Their main concern this time was oil. The prices were uncharacteristically high, considering the lack of need for oil." This isn't clear at all. Rule 3.3
 * "However, before they could accomplish this goal, they needed more." Needed more what? Sandwiches? Rule 3.3
 * "amazingly large droid army" is amazingly POV. Rule 3.2
 * "Though they did not know that the Republic was about to engage an all out assault on the world, they were lucky enough to be placing all their forces on the planet, able to defend." Please rewrite this sentence. It is fragmented. Rule 3.3
 * Tense issues in flora and fauna. Use past tense consistently please, per MoS.
 * "The return of the Republic was the greatest thing to happen to the world in the grand scheme of things." I hate to belabour the point, but POV.
 * "Though they devastated some regions of the planet with their aerial bombardments, the constructive work that they did to help more than made up for that one small flaw." More of the same.
 * "He was a much more physical leader than Cohen" As opposed to what? An ephemeral leader?
 * "Since droids do not age" Technically not a tense problem, but could be reworded to avoid confusion.
 * "normal droid with a self given title with no apparent reason behind it." This makes no sense, and normal is POV.
 * Crowded images below the infobox. Rule 9.
 * Though I haven't seen Futurama, this stinks of crossover if half of what the BtS says is true. Therefore, it should be relentlessly BDZed without mercy.
 * "Cities expanded, very dull for robots" Unsurprisingly, POV.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Abigaile Jade Kenobi

 * From the overglorified desk of Atarumaster88


 * Short paras and play-by-play in Early life need reworked.
 * "Abigaile experienced many different encounters with smugglers and other less than savory characters over the years, but the one that would hit her the most would come after the devastating Clone Wars. That of the rise of the Galactic Empire. " I appreciate the attempt at drama, but this isn't really working; the Galactic Empire isn't an unsavory characters, so the analogy fails.
 * No context at all is given for why she opposes the Empire.
 * No context at all given for her Force-sensitivity. She just is, and she can have a cool canon master because the author says so.
 * Ugh, more play-by-play in Clone Rebellion. Conciseness can be valuable in some scenarios.
 * If you are using Acclamator and Interdictor as names of ship classes, italicize them. I'm not fixing every last one of these.
 * There's very little reasoning for anything she does. She just goes places and does amazing things, beating up the bad guys and occasionally getting injured as fan service for her main squeeze to come save her.
 * The article overall doesn't flow well. It's not so much an account as a series of anecdotes.
 * "Her daughter would grow up to be a fine woman" POV
 * "the Kenobi Solos would turn out to be some of the greatest Jedi the Galaxy had to offer." POV
 * P&T is not very comprehensive. Even from this article, I could write a more complete one.
 * Nitpicking, but it should be called "Personality and traits" instead of its current title.
 * I can't say what I did is a truly accurate representation of AJK, considering that authorial intent comes into play, but I ran her through my MarySue killer test and she scored 22, an indication that this character is a Mary Sue. That said, this'll be the first time I break out the MS;MD (Mary Sue; Must Die) label.
 * No BTS at all.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Bendu Order

 * From the mysterious and convoluted desk of Atarumaster88
 * APPROVED following revisions and review.

E.C.H.O Visor

 * From the all-seeing desk of Atarumaster88


 * Wow. Nice quality overall, and one of the best-written articles overall. I do have a concern related to Device Requirement 2, as I find the History section lacking. It will need to be expanded based upon its uses before I support this.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Dark Magic

 * From the dark and magical desk of Atarumaster88


 * Clarify how the killing spell can be stopped. It's uncertain whether the Force shield can stop it or not.
 * "As for the victims, they suffered the worst." Slight POV. Almost changed it to "they suffered more", but didn't. It's an easy fix, at any rate.
 * "Due to the ups and downs of the power, it was preferred not to be learned, much less used." This prose is not of a "professional standard". Per Rule 3.1.
 * "The power was practically useless, in the end, as proven by its two true victims. " POV.
 * Not bad overall, if somewhat lacking in originality. These are all easy fixes.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Unit 8311

 * From the unoriginal desk of Atarumaster88


 * "By now 8311 was perhaps the most influential droid in the galaxy." POV.
 * I'm not fixing the half-dozen uncapitalized instances of "Rebels".
 * "As the galaxy celebrated, however, they were unaware that the worst was yet to come..." POV and un-encyclopediac tone.
 * "Also, thanks to him, illegal copies of Gunray on top and several saucy letters from Tarkin became in wide circulation in the outer rim, frustrating the Imperial censorship boards." Find a different verb than became.
 * "At the height of his upgrading, 8311 was a virtually unstoppable killing machine."
 * FWIW, this is labeled improperly on the FAN review pages. It's undoubtedly a character unless there are more of the mechanical atrocities running around in the mind of the author. Not an objection.
 * Fighting style is chock full of POV.
 * BtS is way too small.
 * The SWF Mary Sue test that I ran on this yielded a 17 "Borderline Mary Sue", but there is some scatter there due to the fact that it wasn't designed for droids. I'd call this a Mary Sue and give it a level of ridiculousness that's even greater than 's . That said, my personal feelings are that this should not be a featured article.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

WraithX-Beta Interceptor

 * From the super-heavy, undetectable, and speedy desk of Atarumaster88

'More tense issues in Variants section.
 * "The engine thrusters are stuck out of the back, while two more nodes hold sensor and stealth equipment. " Reword that first bit and fix the tense as well.
 * Tense issues in armament.
 * At the very least, numbers less than twenty should be spelled out for professional quality. (Rule 3.1) My personal preference is <100.
 * "The avionics are top notch as well" POV
 * FWIW, the reason the StealthX was limited to Jedi IU was because any comm transmissions would give away the ship's location. It's fanon, so whatever. ::Tosses canon out window:: If you do care about canon, "Where the StealthX's design was almost exclusively for Jedi, the WraithX's cockpit was made to be comfortable enough for non-Jedi to easily fly the WraithX." that sentence makes no sense.
 * Informal tone: "That's where the Cobrex came in, filling in the gap between high-tech fighters and the cheap, out-of-date fighters. " Some POV in there to boot.
 * History of the variants is lacking in detail.
 * "Mandalorian" is mispelled. I didn't fix it because it was a quote.
 * Images are unsourced. Also, you state that there are no sharp edges on a WraithX&mdash;a look at your infobox picture reveals an angled nose that tapers to a point. This level of inconsistency should not be tolerated.
 * POV in armaments section.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Club Stardust

 * From the glittering desk of Atarumaster88


 * "It was unarmed, relying on local jurisdiction for protection." Change jurisdiction; it doesn't fit there.
 * What is "medium shielding"? Clarify.
 * Your image template is broken on the terrorist pic
 * The double quotes on Days of Empire need to be reduced to one.
 * Consistently capitalize Rebel when referring to the faction, just as you would consistently capitalize Roman, Al-Qaeda, or Klingon.
 * The idea that this club doesn't exist on official charts is ludicrous. That's like saying Caesar's in Las Vegas won't appear on Google.
 * If you are going to use the title miid ro'ik, it should be spelled out at all times. It's comparable to calling an Imperial Star Destroyer an Imperial.
 * In general Yuuzhan Vong is preferred over Vong.
 * FWIW, their organic spacesuits are properly termed s. Not an objection.
 * I generally like this article, aside from overly cheesy Yuuzhan Vong battle and the "let's play loud music" deus ex machina. That should really only be used once; a more creative solution would greatly help this article. By and large, well-written and not ridiculous at all.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Kal'Shabbol

 * From the sleep-inducing desk of Atarumaster88


 * I object on the general grounds that far too much of this article is not particularly about Kal'Shabbol. It's a history of the Bendu Order on Kal'Shabbol. Cut down Age of Awakening to remove excess fluff, as well as Jedi Bendu departure.
 * I object to your objection. You need to understand that the history of the Jedi Bendu and the Bendu are all intertwined. Removing that information is removing information about the history of Kal’Shabbol and I will not do it. Can I figure out a way to rewrite some of it to put in the same important information in less words? Yes, of course. Can it all be removed though? No. - BR
 * I have no problems with leaving pertinent information on the Bendu Order in there; if it was missing, you'd be getting the opposite objection. As it is, I do think it could do with a little trimming. I was never indicating massive cuts, just snipping. If it's something major, believe me, I will let you know. --Ataru.
 * The parts I recommend some trimming are as follows: 1.5, Para 1. 1.5, Para 2. 1.3, Para 2. 1.3, Para 4. Nothing major, just slimming down these paragraphs. This is based on what I view as the reasonable expectation that the coverage of these topics should not exceed that given on the Bendu Order article. --Ataru.


 * The BtS really needs expansion. I mean, two bullet points for 75 KB of article? Are you kidding me?
 * There’s not all that much to say, but I can say more. - BR
 * Come, come, Brandon. Don't try and tell me that the creation of this world was that boring. BtS is an essential part of an article and shouldn't be treated as an afterthought, if you ask me. --Ataru.


 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Lorsanan'sondora

 * From the hard-to-pronounce desk of Atarumaster88


 * "many intriguing creatures, all with very wide gene pools." (Intro) Could we find some better descriptors, please?
 * "This season was typically when the Shapeshifters harvest." Missing some words or something.
 * "Because of this, Shapeshifters normally drank only water. Also because of this no-salt issue, the water of Lorsanan evaporated more quickly than do most bodies of water." Ugh, just reword the verbs in the second sentence and I would cut the first sentence, given the one that precedes it.
 * "As a celebration, when Lorsanan'sondora was moved back to its original position, and a holiday was set up in commemoration of the event, The Day of the Shannet." Fix the wording in this sentence.
 * "Slowly, morality collapsed and violence and bloodshed became popular sports, and honor was displaced with bloodline." Some POV here.
 * "It is unknown what happened to the Lorsanan Shapeshifters after this." This type of sentence should be removed per MoS.
 * I would like to see a society/culture section, as well as a topography section. Climate section couldn't hurt either. The over-emphasis on history is a letdown when one reaches the end of the article.
 * I like this article up until the planetary hyperdrive part. I hated that in the NJO and I hate it here. At any rate, have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Desnium

 * From the saber-wielding desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Overall, Desnium was a devastating and highly efficient lightsaber form when used in combat." Okay, let's not butter ourselves up too much. POV, Rule 3.2
 * "Although Desnium never left a true legacy, its practitioners did so through its use." Weasel words; reword per Rule 3.1 (Intro)
 * "Desnium was not created to be an aggressive form, therefore its attack was not the best, however, it was still considered deadly and resilient." POV, Rule 3.2
 * A minor quibble if you actually care about canon. There's no way a form derived from Ataru would open defensively. You even state this in the BTS, so why do you insist it's derived from Ataru?
 * "The attacks from Desnium would usually vary, of course, though most attacks usually were aimed at the torso and lower" Lower what? Body? Limbs?
 * "Narod often used this form against conventional enemies, those who could not wield the Force against him." Redundant wording and/or POV to refer to non-Force sensitives as "conventional".
 * "With a single lightsaber, Narod would take a step back and then speed of," Possibly missing an "f" here.
 * "Unfortunately for the practitioners, using the one-handed form against Force wielding enemies was not a smart choice, since it was weak and the user was often left open for attack against such enemies." Informal tone and unclear wording. Rule 3.1
 * "That was why the one-handed form was not recommended for lightsaber combat, and instead recommended for conventional enemies." See above.
 * "Narod learned that the other lightsaber form he had begun using was Sokan, a form which was used to play on terrestrial advantages and a stronger defense." I believe the word you are looking for is terrain; terrestrial refers to planetary locations. It is, of course, your choice on the wording, so I won't push this.
 * "Either way, this form of attack was fast and at the same time utilizing one's Force potential to their advantage." Awkward verbage, rule 3.1
 * I find this article overall unimpressive, especially considering . Regardless, have a Super Terrific Un-frustrating day.  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Force Shield

 * From the heavily defended desk of Atarumaster88


 * "In this respect, the shield did a fairly decent job at protection, though for this use alone Force Protection would be more practical." POV.
 * "This was also used against lightsaber wielders, as a shield placed at the end of a lightsaber would cause a huge conflict of energy when the lightsaber was ignited, inciting an effect similar to two similarly charged poles pressed against one another, forcing the lightsaber to shoot itself out of the opponent's hand to relieve the pressure." Run-on and unclear wording.
 * "Though not often thought of as an offensive Force technique, the Force Shield actually served better as an offensive tool than a defensive one." POV
 * "Apparently, such a dramatic use of the ability should only be attempted by highly experienced shieldmakers. " POV and non-encyclopediac. Rules 3.2, 3.1
 * "Despite the wide variety of uses for shields, there have been several problems among its frequent practitioners." Tense.
 * "The cause for this was unknown." Remove this sort of thing on sight; Just like "her fate was unknown", it should be avoided.
 * Overall, these fixes would take about ten minutes on the part of the author. I'd be happy to support were these issues corrected. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Prophecies of the Skywalker

 * From the prophetic desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Prophecies of The Skywalker were a holy set of writings that foretold the coming of great kings, rulers and other legendary figures throughout the history of the universe." Holy, great, and legendary are all POV and must be exorcised.
 * Appropriate linking should occur in the intro; I believe you have a Yahweh article, as well as 2nd JBO, and JB.
 * I don't like the Academy infobox. You should either make a custom one or use one for writings, because that's what these are. They're not academies.
 * "The Skywalker’s children and the Chief of the Whills knew that they would have to begin on what they were destined to begin. " Unclear wording and uncreative verbage. Rule 3.1
 * "He did, however, manage to disarm her as he fell. Her blade cutting through the thing ledge itself, the evil one tempted him to end it once more." Say again, Mac?
 * "At that moment, he realized that the prophecy was true, though it was not until Ussej Padric Bac III was momentarily taken to Ashlan Four to speak with him did anyone realize that the prophecy had come true." More uncreative verbage.
 * "They were galactically renowned for their brutal discipline and lust for power in their upper ranks, along with the unholy methods they used to attain it." At the bare minimum, unholy is POV.
 * "Patrick was tasked with finding evidence to prove that the two orders were once one and, after doing so, Patrick joined Taylor and Daniels and reunified to become the Jedi Bendu Order." Uh . .. ? There's some rewording needed here.
 * I find the Prophecy of the Last Son section wholly unsatisfactory. There is no explanation as for why the actual text no longer exists, and it goes on and on overmuch on its fulfillment.
 * "Each of the prophets would be remembered for one great thing." POV.
 * "Ussej Padric Bac II helped his father and the galaxy realize what happens when arrogance gets the best of you, " Second person must die.
 * "Laili Jeyna Rendar helped Ussej Padric Bac redeem himself from the dark side of the Force, Kit Corwin Rendar showed the galaxy, and Ussej, the dangers of blind attachment, Ussej Padric Bac II helped his father and the galaxy realize what happens when arrogance gets the best of you, Ussej Padric Bac III helped the galaxy realize what happens when prejudice blinds you, Han Solo helped Luke Skywalker destroy the remaining Death Stars over the skies of Coruscant that led to the redemption of Anakin Skywalker and Taylor Rendar helped pull Patrick Keylan Bac back from the darkness and discover that Elizabeth Covet was the heir to the Skywalker Throne. " That sentence is just a mite long.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Jar'Kata

 * From the overblown desk of Atarumaster88


 * "The form had a deadly attack, coupled with an adequate defense, possibly making it a more deadly form than Juyo or Ataru." POV, Rule 3.2 Saber form articles should never make blanket judgments on the merits of the overall effectiveness of a form without reasoning. Do you think Wikipedia would allow someone to say that karate is more deadly than judo? Heck no. They might say that karate has far more effective striking techniques than judo, but to pass judgment like that is utterly against everything that comprises encyclopedaic content.
 * Pathetic detail on the History section is almost anecdotal instead of flowing. Rule 3.3
 * "Now, in the hands of a Sith Lord, the form truely had the opportunity to show off its deadly capabilities." Shameless self-aggrandizement and I believe truly is misspelled unless it's an Anglo thing.
 * "The applications of Jar'Kata combined the applications of both Jar'Kai and Trakata to create the perfect form." How the %#$Y! did that get through review the first time. POV, must die.
 * "In order to use Jar'Kata, the user must have had an above-average grasp of the Force and even higher Force potential." POV.
 * Capitalize "the Force" in all instances, per Rule 8 and MoS.
 * The Force techniques described in the infobox have no relevance to the prose in the body. Expand this information or cut it.
 * Why is Darth Nyne not listed in the infobox under famous users? For that matter, Sith Order should be placed there as well.
 * I find this lack of neutrality disturbing. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Shikkri

 * This message is from the grammatically correct desk of Atarumaster88


 * The whole 2nd intro paragraph is in present tense and needs correction.
 * Actually, way too much of this article is in present tense. I don't mind fixing a few instances, but this is rampant.
 * Second person in Basic Rules.
 * "I know I used Arabic letters in the example of the Shikkri alphabet, but that alphabet does exist in the Star Wars universe, and is seen on highly formal documents. Besides, it's easier to understand." This is not encyclopediac.
 * Aside from the glaring tense issues, this article isn't overall bad; another example of Solus's highly detailed take on the SW universe. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

The Fanon Menace/Season 1

 * From a poor spoof of the desk of Atarumaster88


 * "The first episode remained the most viewed for the majority of the airing, until the tenth episode surpassed it gaining over 2,000 views. This was minor compared to some of the major videos uploaded onto YouTube, but was still a major marker in the start of the series as the creators knew they now had fans." Contradiction in the numbers and major/minor needs some variety.
 * "terrorization" is most certainly not a word.
 * Inconsistent tense in Part 2.
 * Consistently de-capitalize Clone Army unless you are referring to it as a proper noun. If so, that distinction should be clearer.
 * "Commlink" should be comlink. Multiple instances of this.
 * Clones should be decapitalized in all instances; it is not and will never be a proper noun unless the name of a ship, book, work of art, etc.
 * Decapitalize Smashball.
 * Song titles should be placed in quotes.
 * I hate trivia sections. That said, I can't find anything prohibiting them.
 * I give this article an Epic Meh. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Dark Guardians of Lettow

 * From the dark and guarded desk of Atarumaster88


 * Fix the Dark Sides, please, Brandon.
 * "They prepared to unleash their fury on the unsuspecting innocents of the galaxy" Oooh, POV. (intro)
 * "In his fortress, two major and mysterious chambers stood out." Reword this, per 3.1 and 3.2
 * "It was a fairly convoluted process and Ragnos needed someplace special to work on it, hence why he built a fortress in the middle of nowhere." More rewording needed.
 * "It was a long, drawn out ritual and a great deal of Sith magic was involved. In the end, even he did not know what would happen during the ritual. All he knew was how it would end." This seems a bit flowery.
 * Perhaps I'm not catching it that quickly, but in space do the Sith Battle Lords have to do with the Dark Guardians? I'm six paragraphs down and not seeing the connection. Your intro also does not state this connection. Condense please&mdash;this is a major concern. EDIT: I've been reading further and their first official creation is in the 26th paragraph. This is not a good thing, especially when so much of it could be summarized into three or four. Alternately, tweaking the intro would fix this.
 * "Shortly thereafter, he made his way through the jungle to an abandoned Mandalorian base where he commandeered an abandoned shuttle to disappear." Final infinitive seems out of place; reword or something.
 * "As Carden was disgusted by what the Sith had become, the information greatly intrigued him." A bit unclear here. Should the first word be "though"?
 * "Much of the information was cryptic, at best, so he had trouble understanding it. However, he devoted all of the time he had to uncovering the mysterious within that manifesto, and that was all he did for nearly a year." Just read it and see how badly this needs reworded. Also, cryptic in this sense is POV.
 * "He immediately made his way there and when he arrived a few hours later he found a great deal of carnage within the Senate, much of it being Rajani’s signature work." More flowery prose/POVishess that requires a Rule 3.2 smacking.
 * Your Rajani Zahra image needs a more specific source.
 * "Dire was amused, to say the least, though after seeing Carden’s immense power he allowed him to become a part of the growing Fourth Sith Empire." Ugh. Rule 3.2; reword please.
 * "When he saw his theories work effectively in his guardsman" Should this be guardsmen? Or should it be "Guardsmen"? I wasn't sure.
 * "However, he did not ask questions, but rather he accepted his instructions and moved ahead with his experiments, where he even gained additional followers who believed in the cause." This makes no sense to me.
 * "This wasted a great deal of time on the part of the Dark Lord, as it took years to train a new apprentice. " POV.
 * "returned from a self-imposed exile with a twisted mind and lacking the soul of the man he once was. " unprofessional tone.
 * Capitalize all the Imperial mentions. They are a faction, just as much as British, American, Russian, Rebel, and Klingon troops are given the capitalized adjective.
 * "The Stormtroopers were able to hold Starkiller back, but the boy was able to show extraordinary courage and ability while resisting them." Fix the capitalization and that POV.
 * Ditto with Rebel, per Imperial example.
 * "After asking his men to leave him for a few minutes, he realized that he had been on the wrong side of the war for so long and his reasoning for fighting with the Empire had been based on a lie. Therefore, he struck down his men and escaped the planet." POV, informal tone.
 * Italicize Millennium Falcon upon all mentions. This goes for Falcon as well per 3.1
 * "However, there was no strategic advantage to doing so." Seems a little POV to me; maybe not.
 * De-capitalize Light Side on all mentions.
 * "Lettow were taught that if they were to anger their enemy and shortly tempt them with their darker emotions, they would have no chance of turning a soul of merit. The righteous would know that they were safe from such primitive behavior." Rule 3.1, 3.2 informal tone, POV.
 * "There was not a great deal of actual government and politics involved in the Dark Guardians of Lettow, and there were two ways that someone would be able to think of when the word “leader” was used in the context of the Lettow." Run-on and confusing.
 * "They were mostly used as guards and Advanced Shock Troopers if necessary." You would know better than me, but I don't think that should be capitalized.
 * "At that point, they were skilled enough to rival skilled opponents and were taught how to influence minds and have a strong attunement to their environment." So they were skilled, eh? Reword, please.
 * "Sith Military" Check your capitalizations; Imperial military is not a proper noun&mdash;Imperial Army is. This should follow suit unless you have a good reason.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

UPB 3.0

 * From the (not) 168 KB long desk of Atarumaster88
 * APPROVED following revisions and review.

Narod Antrell

 * From the serious-looking desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Morrer was driven back by the two Jedi, and in order to avoid mutiny against Telosian authorities, he left the planet and prepared to destroy them with his ship from orbit." This could be a little clearer. I guess what I'm missing here is why Morrer was concerned about mutiny against the Telosian authorities, or what would cause a mutiny, since I'm assuming Telos is an Imperial planet. That's all. 
 * Removed most of them; added a few follow-ups on some things that I think aren't quite done. Much better so far. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 04:13, 4 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Done and done. That last and first one ("To ensure victory..." and "Morrer was driven back") had already been fixed previously, btw. I will fix the rest [below] later. --Victor (talk) 18:55, 4 July 2008 (UTC)
 * One last thing above, regarding the mutiny. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 05:19, 5 July 2008 (UTC)
 * "Narod ended up being a great influence on a handful of those he came in contact with over the course of his life." Reword this to avoid some POV please.
 * "During this time, Narod also disliked conforming the all aspects of the Jedi Order as most younglings did, which was actually one of the reasons" I think there's a word missing here. Not sure what it is.
 * P&T smells of Stuishness. The man has no weaknesses. Minor aggression in war is human nature, not a notable weakness. This is a major concern.
 * "but was above average when commanding the" POV
 * "Narod was also responsible for turning his son back to the light side of the Force, using his words as the means." Tack something on to the end of that sentence.
 * Kudos on referencing. (Not an objection)
 * I believe you ran Antrell on the Mary Sue test. EDIT: Check shows you did, and scored 15. I ran him as well and got a 17, which is borderline. I accept that there's some scatter in the results, but still. With t he P&T as it is, it's close, Vic, really close. Except for the Gary Stuish parts, the rest of these would take 20 minutes to fix IMO.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 14:42, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Order of Sovereignty

 * From the sovereign desk of Atarumaster88


 * Rampant POV throughout article needs correcting. This is a major concern.
 * Short, choppy paragraphs throughout article need correcting. This is a major concern.
 * "Their reputation was respected, if not feared. Though they, for the most part, kept to themselves and their planet, the power and influence they held was admirable to say the least." POV
 * Decide between Unknown Regions and unknown regions, as well as Outer Rim and outer rim. In both cases, canon uses the capital letters.
 * "During their first year, they met a modest people, other Humans, who housed them. Eventually, all twelve married. Four years later, wild beasts called Vujaaras attacked the village. The attack was unknown for several minutes. During that time, many had already died." Rewrite this entire paragraph. It's anecdotal and has no syntax variety. Rule 3.1
 * ""Dominate Code of the Followers". Do you mean Dominant? Either way works, I suppose.
 * "Still, those chosen where still rich in their Force capabilities." Unclear; rewrite.
 * "Grammar conventions state that Hidden Knight should neither be placed in quotes consistently or italicized. Same goes for Shrine, Crystal, etc.
 * "initiate and advanced ranks were established, and the discovery of more powerful Force powers were underway. Still, the order's most fragile weakness " Rewrite this; it just doesn't read well.
 * "Aros Fayst carried, from the enclave on Dantooine, a very large and special force crystal used by many Jedi Masters. " POV, and the Force is always capitalized.
 * "Jaratenge remained an undiscovered planet by any of the dominate governments." This might need changed to dominant.
 * "With reserves of automatic fuel, she put herself into carbon freezing to make the journey. Leaving her trail of coordinates to hyperspace back, she'd be able to get back in only a few hours. Naturally, the people of Jaratenge, including the Sovereign Order, had no idea they were discovered. Nor would they ever learn of it until approximately 200 years later." Rewrite this entire paragraph. What is automatic fuel? Fragment at the end; last two sentences could be merged.
 * Decide between Senate and senate. The former is preferred.
 * "An order that had the right to rule." Fragment.
 * "The Honored Blade of Vexus was an extremely powerful sword," Really? I bet it slices cheese really fast as well. POV.
 * "This was widely thought to be a renaming for a more accepting name. This was actually to keep suspicion about their former down, so their history would not be narrowed down by outsiders of Jaratenge." Reword, unclear per Rule 3.1, 3.2
 * "Naturally, their history going back nearly 5,000 years, no one knew what they were hiding. " POV, and contradictory with the previous sentence.
 * "Widely called "The Genius of Jaratenge", Sovereign King Aros XXIX was the greatest strategic tactician known in all of the Sovereign Order's and Jaratenge's history. Unlike the other Sovereign Kings, Aros XXIX didn't have the prodigy warrior skills like his ancestors, though his power's potential was still the same. Rather, he displayed ingenious abilities, even when in combat, to overcome his opponents, rather than his using raw power." Rampant POV and Gary Stuishness.
 * "ventually becoming powerful as all the other Kings, Aros XXIX had a remarkable affinity towards strategic combat. Renowned even outside Jaratenge, he was King during the Raid on the Shrine of Vexus. His amazing tactics during the attack entitled him even more fame, and caused the Order of Sovereignty to gain Galactic Fame." Multiple errors; capitalization and POV among them.
 * "was formed and desired more power. The Order of Sovereignty, as it had made clear nearly three thousand years ago, absolutely refused to engage itself in political matters, including treaties. All attempts at a successful negotiation with the Empire ended in failure." Why is this bolded? There are other bolding issues as well throughout the article. Debold these.
 * "The odds were terribly in the Empire's favor, " POV
 * Entire Growth of Power section is filled with rampant POV that must be corrected regarding their spaceships and comparisons. This is a major concern.
 * "This also prevented any fleets from escaping to any part of the galaxy, ensuring that all opposition would be annihilated." This just makes no sense.
 * "It was their "Sovereign Right"." POV and italics/quote errors. Prosetry to boot.
 * "The war that shadowed the Subjection Wars, the Sovereignty Campaign was a violent galactic-level war involving nearly all of the Galaxy to a level not seen since the Yuuzhan Vong War." Prosetry, reword per Rule 3.1 and 3.2
 * Decide between Galaxy and galaxy. The latter is preferred according to MoS.
 * Italics problems in the Sovereignty Campaign section.
 * "massive corruption in the senate". Problems with POV again.
 * "Despite their opposition to many of the views in the Galactic Senate and the fear many had of them, the influence held by the Order of Sovereignty was remarkably substantial—and the Sovereign King's alone was even phenomenal." POV.
 * "All matters, even some of the more insignificant, well all directed to him," Confusing; reword.
 * "Minor Force Manipulations in the Galactic Senate to achieve certain goals were rare, or even unheard of, as the Order's despised the Senate's corruption as it was. All kings in the orders' history were already very intelligent, one was even called insidious." Poor quality prose and POV. Rewrite per 3.1 and 3.2
 * "Making matters worse," POV.
 * "Sovereign King only met by another blade—lby one of the Sovereign King's "Guards". The battle was intervened, thus ended in a stalemate. " Wording and spelling errors.
 * "Within seconds, his was in a heated dual with a Hidden Knight, in which his hands were cut of, and, ultimately, was nearly killed." See above.
 * ". Sharp to an intense degree, and with it's own attune to the Force, the Blade of Vexus was the sword used to appoint the next Sovereign King." POV, apostrophe error, and wording error (attune?)
 * Tense errors in Honored Blade.
 * "In other words, this sword was allowed to be used only by firstborn Sovereign Kings, heavily increasing the swords uniqueness. " Prosery and apostrophe error.
 * "the Sovereign King would often "meet the people", so-to-speak." Quotes and prosetry.
 * "The Honored Blade of Vexus was carved by Aros Fayst himself, and refined by the other former padawans. The powerful relic has a high sentimental value among the Order of Sovereignty, second to the prized Vexus crystal itself. Only the Sovereign King is allowed to even touch it." Tense, POV, and the sentences just don't fit.
 * "Among the Order of Sovereignty, there were two distinct, one usually annual, ceremonies." Unclear wording.
 * "The Shrine of Vexus was unarguably the most prominent temple within the Sovereign Order, as it housed the High Council of Sovereignty, and more importantly, the Sovereign King himself" I argue that it's POV.
 * "The Coruscanti Temple was secondary importance, as it housed the Vexus Council, who's power was second to the High Council of Sovereignty." POV and apostrophe error.
 * "The Malastare Temple was highly a training institution for Xiás or Paladins." Wha?
 * Per Rule 3.1 all numbers at least below twenty should be spelled out; it is an appropriate convention for formal writing.
 * Very sketchy BTS for 48 KB. Expand. This is a major concern.
 * Upon finishing, I find this article to be a Mary Sue Organization.
 * I find your lack of neutrality disturbing. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:06, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Rebel Alliance Intelligence Faction

 * From the stealth-detecting, POV-blasting desk of Atarumaster88


 * "were the technically non-existing spies, intelligence agencies and assassination infiltrators of the Rebel Alliance." Unwieldy phrasing per 3.1
 * "In many instances, RAIF operatives have spread blasphemous propaganda, committed assassinations, murderous-induced intimidation or ransom kidnappings." POV, tense.
 * Okay, I fixed all these in Order of Sovereignty, but I'm certainly not doing it again. Pay close attention, please: It's is "it is". "Its" is a possessive form. Correct throughout article.
 * Legacy era is OOU and shouldn't be used in the intro of an IU article.
 * "The precise time of the Alliance's internal rebellion is unknown, and the fact that the organization's formation records were destroyed prevents it from ever truly being discovered." This has tense issues and "the ultimate blah is unknown" problem.
 * ". Although saw in distaste by a large number of the rest of Alliance High Command," Unclear verbage.
 * Same italics and quote issues as Order of Sovereignty.
 * This how you should write this: Project Phoenix 71. Exactly like that. Please do so.
 * "It is unknown how long the collaboration went on" More of the "it is ultimately unknown" problem.
 * Cut the quotes for facetiousness please. That should be a last resort; there are far more professional ways to handle this. Rule 3.1
 * Rebellion and Imperial should both be capitalized.
 * "Reclining their invitation resulted in execution. " Is that supposed to be declining? Otherwise, it's rather humourous.
 * "The Empire's anti-alien stance which gave the Rebel Alliance an advantage in the Galactic Civil War proved fruitful for RAIF as well." This doesn't fit where it is in context.
 * Tense issues in recruitment.
 * "The successful completion these, also mended with the way the victory conditions were met" Reword, or missing a word.
 * "moving through havened researched sectors." Havened is not a word.
 * "although they were densely modified for superior performance and effectiveness." Densely modified makes no sense.
 * starcruiser is not a word IU.
 * Decide between Supreme Council division and Supreme Council Division systematically. Goes for other terms as well.
 * Tense issues, organizational divisions, 2nd para.
 * "The Supreme council division why highly organized and secretive, and"
 * "the four divisions were often "friendly" rivalries between the divisions." Uhhh?
 * "using ill-thoughtout plans" thoughtout is not a word.
 * "Anything from the M3-A Scyk-Class starfighter to the StarViper-class attack platform." Fragment.
 * Tense issues; Syin Subdivision, Para 2, 3.
 * Tense issues, Straffen Corps, Para 2, 3.
 * "We more according to the orders of our superiors." What? Is that intentional?
 * Tense issues, Area of Operation, Para 1.
 * Tense issues, Locations, Para 1.
 * History section fails to detail activities of organization. This is a major concern; proper Mary Sue judgments cannot be made in the light of this missing information.
 * I will found your lack of proper tense to been disturbing. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:43, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Steel Legion

 * From the steel desk of Atarumaster88


 * Once again, I refuse to fix twenty instance of it's vs. its. Go look it up and adjust the article accordingly; I've fixed too many of these.
 * "However, not all of 8311's scheme went to plan." Reword.
 * "By now the Steel Legion was immensely powerful, with access to much resources," POV.
 * "then Legion ships purged the area of any valuable components which it sold on the black market." It does not work as an acceptable pronoun here. Reword.
 * "Extensive Legion revenues, from brothels to drug dealerships to illegal seedy nightclubs, were set up all over on planets ignored by the GFFA in the chaos." Wording issues with the opening phrase.
 * "Extensive Legion revenues, from brothels to drug dealerships to illegal seedy nightclubs, were set up all over on planets ignored by the GFFA in the chaos." POV.
 * Italicize all class names. This may necessitate piped linking.
 * ". Equipped with massive firepower, heavy shielding, and a very large complement of fighters, these were very expensive, and were not extensively produced." POV.
 * In the Appearances section, is "Beginning" supposed to be mispelled?
 * "If any individual was immune to the Legion's often irresistible promises" POV.
 * These are generally minor errors and could easily be fixed by the author. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:58, 3 July 2008 (UTC)
 * I fixed a large amount of the errors in this article. -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12)  (Chow) 21:24, 3 July 2008 (UTC)
 * You fixed perhaps one of these. I still find numerous "it's" used incorrectly. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 04:17, 4 July 2008 (UTC)

Vaskar

 * From the supplement-free desk of Atarumaster88


 * "The Vaskar HQ, a large building just north of the Baran Do Tower was created to house the Vaskar and also substituting as a prison." Spell out HQ and fix that last clause please.
 * "The group would exist prominently" POV.
 * If you are referring to the canonical species, the correct spelling is Kel Dor, not Kel'Dor. If you aren't referring to the canonical species, this isn't an issue.
 * "He sold spice and held illegal gambling sanctions on planet." gambling and sanctions don't make sense in context.
 * "Caught word" You either get word or receive word, or possibly catch wind of something, but not catch word. Choose your idiom please.
 * More detail on the duel between Skyu and Tey please, per Rule 3.3
 * "the order which actually mattered and was known of on Dorin during this time." POV and wording issues.
 * "His actions were admirable and got the Vaskar into the limelight on Dorin and becoming almost as influential as the Baran Do." Run-on/wording issues.
 * "Regrettably, Dorn began receiving too much praise." POV.
 * "The Ithorian Lassavouu and Echani Yunis Sing from Telos. The Selkath Skloth from Manaan. A few humans; Gervase Wood, Brianna Clark and Nick Mar-Shyal from Concord Dawn." Fragments, all of them.
 * "It did not take long as the incredibly high crime rate fell like a rock in water." POV.
 * "However, with all of the different species now in the group, the longed to do more than just protect Dorin. " Missing a word, or just a "y".
 * "A small base was made on Manaan to keep the Sith and Republic forces mediate" tense/typo/something's just wrong.
 * "They were the most praised organization outside of the Republic and the Jedi and were often spotlit in the news as heroes." POV.
 * "However, times were not so great soon as a blow was about to be dealt to the group." This is unclear.
 * "Dak's leadership was going well." POV.
 * Fix "HQ" and POV "greatest" in image captions.
 * "Things had been going great for the Vaskar under Dak. " POV/tone.
 * "However, things got very dangerous, very fast." POV.
 * "Kashyyyk was the first place attacked, though it was really nothing to worry about." Tone, POV.
 * "There were merely a few dozen exchange thugs who had enough of having their business undermined by the Vaskar. " I think it should be "Exchange", but authorial intent does come into play a little bit. Exchange is the canonical spelling.
 * "They failed, miserably," Comma issues, POV.
 * The whole Nar Shaddaa battle paragraph is poorly written.
 * "The Vaskar took preaches above the battle and fired down at the Sith soldiers," What?
 * "The most dreadful of losses were achieved in the midpoint of the battle. " POV!
 * "He did well to not do so, failing to name a replacement for the assistant leader, as well as not making a head of recruitment and expansion." This makes no sense.
 * "and he had become the most hated man." POV.
 * "The forces there were very insignificant after that battle, " Wording, POV. Please, stop using "very" so excessively. It's unprofessional.
 * "though that was terribly wrong." POV.
 * "The people had already been through enough on Dantooine to have to go through another poorly defended crisis. " POV.
 * Section titles need to have proper lowercase formatting. "Return to the limelight", etc.
 * "Loss of Great Leaders" section title is both POV and improperly formatted.
 * "almost as great as the one for Dak." POV.
 * "During this time, there was no extreme violence in the galaxy, just little" Tone.
 * "when the most recent war invaded Kashyyyk with the Sith." This just makes no sense.
 * "Arguably the greatest leader in the history of the Vaskar had fallen in honorable combat, as he would have wanted." Don't argue. Don't use arguably except very sparingly. POV.
 * "He didn't know how to use one, but he would have to get used to it." Tone, just poorly written.
 * "Unfortunately, Vader was also able to escape before the Death Star exploded," That first word is POV.
 * "The Vaskar went down in history as one of the greatest organizations in the history." POV and poor wording.
 * Point blank: The overall prose quality in this article is terrible. Even if all these were fixed, I'd have a hard time voting for this because of how it reads. My suggestion to the author/approved correction experts would be to read it aloud, verbatim, and see how it sounds. Then make appropriate corrections. This basically needs rewritten and is missing all the subsidiary sections anyway. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 15:24, 4 July 2008 (UTC)

Wanderers

 * From the wandering desk of Atarumaster88


 * "but before they were banished there, they could be found as far near the core as the Mid Rim." (intro) Uh . . . ? Far near?
 * "As he continued his crusade through nearby tows," towns?
 * Hunt down all instances of present tense. There are a few. "are", for example.
 * "As they were both using their powers, it was quite a show." POV.
 * "their deliciously powerful soul," some POV here.
 * 5-minute fixes, all of these, though I tend to think this should be a species, not an organization. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 16:03, 4 July 2008 (UTC)

Vujaara dragon

 * From the fire-breathing desk of Atarumaster88


 * "and was infamously famous for it natural, yet uncanny, abilities to breath fire." POV "infamously famous" makes no sense, missing a possessive, plural error.
 * "Armed with sharp talons, brutal fangs, and the powerful ability to spew fire, the Vujaara dragon was the dominate predator of Jaratenge." POV, and I think "dominant" is the correct adjective.
 * Present tense in intro.
 * "The tale, though, was a double-edged sword." Makes little sense in context. Rule 3.3
 * Present tense in physical characteristics.
 * "Among the packs of the Vujaara dragons, an alpha male primarily led them. Besides growing considerably larger than females, male Vujaara dragons grew large frontal horns. The longer the horns; the older the dragon. Alpha males also took the lead in hunting." Redundant and doesn't fit in the hunting and diet section.
 * You'll need to fix all the "it's"-->its.
 * "Vujaara dragons would cleverly hunt the Gatu bantha into a shallow souun pit and blast them with much fire." POV.
 * "Due to the fact than souun compounds were explosively flammable," than-->that?
 * "The most distinguishing feature of the Vujaara dragon was their uncanny ability to spew fire. " POV
 * Spell out numbers below twenty at the very least for professionalism.
 * Tense issues in "fire breathing".
 * "When two siblings found an infant Vujaara dragon, they took it along to play with it. Unfortunately, " What kind of siblings? They could be dragon siblings for all we know.
 * ", Ríoga Vujaara dragons spewed pure platinum-white flames with even more special properties. " FWIW, platinum is silvery. Second, POV.
 * tense in Etooso thing section.
 * "Studies show that the Vujaara dragon preference for the mountainous regions were according to the dominate packs." Tense, dominate-->dominant.
 * Tense issues in habitat.
 * Tense issues in Ecological role.
 * Tense issues in influence in legend.
 * Like other works by this author, I find the general prose quality lacking and make the same recommendations as I did above for this article as well-namely, read it aloud and see how it sounds, then reword it accordingly. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 16:22, 5 July 2008 (UTC)

Veneradi

 * From the desk of Atarumaster88

"by description, though the leaders of the society were not harsh, cruel, nor ill-willed." POV
 * "The Veneradi were very honorable sentients," POV
 * "The Veneradi were very physically built. " POV
 * "the Veneradi were known for their prowess in combat and in war, as well as for their loyalty. The Veneradi were great swordsmen, marksmen and technicians. With their unique weapons and extensive training, the Veneradi were very skilled and prepared for combat. The Lords, the highest rank in the Covenant, were highly skilled swordsmen that could wield their blades, the Rapa Dyo, with the same skill as a Force-sensitive Jedi Knight." POV
 * "Large and resilient physical stature" POV.
 * "Their large hands allowed the Veneradi to climb natural structures very well, and their oddly shaped hands did not effect their ability to wield weapons just like any other humanoid." POV.
 * " eldest warriors still possessed a massive amount of strength, though not so much speed and resilience." Prosetry/POV.
 * The word "approximately" is overused in Bio and App.
 * "Males usually grow a lot more attracted to females during the regular mating season on Venera. When the weather is perfect for egg incubation, the male Veneradi seek out females who are willing to reproduce with them." Reword these; multiple errors including tense and POV.
 * You need to explain what an Ebab is upon first mention.
 * Tense in Mating and Reproduction needs checked.
 * "Commanders were highly respected in society and were highly skilled in battle, often carrying close and long ranged weapons, to make perfect combinations in battle." POV.
 * "Masters were very skilled in close range battle with their swords, but often used long range weapons during large battles. " POV.
 * "The Lords of the Veneradi branded silver standard armor, with a heavily modified helmet." Uh? Reword.
 * "as long as they held their throughout it." Missing a word, perhaps?
 * "Eventually, it seemed that the Locadi would surely win the war and end up extinct. This was sure until finally, after years of war, the Veneradi decided to come together against a common foe and become an allegiance." Serious wording issues.
 * "The primitive fighting methods weren't very efficient. Using spears, stones, and whips as weapons was not very efficient for either party, and instead, their physical advantages and prowess for each party was more damaging." POV
 * "The Veneradi were very patient and peaceful with the offworlders, and they told them the tale of their enemies, the Locadi." POV
 * "This time, the technological advancements proved much more effective, helpful and deadly against each other. The Veneradi were not pleased with the Locadi's beliefs nor with their own advancements in technology, and fought honorably and for their god, to purge the Locadi." POV
 * "much lives" find some other way to say this.
 * Every time you use the word "honorable" explicitly, I'm going to call POV.
 * Crossover alert:
 * Same weaponry.
 * Same "Honorable Warrior" characterization.
 * Similar warrior ranks.
 * Same biology.
 * I'll leave it up to the rest of the DLs to decide where that line is.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 17:49, 5 July 2008 (UTC)

Shapeshifter

 * From the transmogrifying desk of Atarumaster88


 * "are a race of polymorphic creatures thought to be merely legend." If you specify who thinks them to be legend, it's not POV. Otherwise, it is.
 * "They are an interesting race, both plagued and gifted with their rare physiology that inadvertently can make them an extremely powerful opponent." POV
 * "They were, and may still be, a very artistic race, with reportedly many achievements in music and art in both aesthetic and architectural capacities, credited to their creative minds." POV, tense issues. You can't refer to something as if it still exists; all SWF articles are presumed to be written eons after their topic was written, per MoS.
 * "- a very efficient one by the records -" POV.
 * "The Chiss refused; Lorsanan'sondora was too great an asset to be set free, unless Lorsanan Tetres remained Chiss property." POV in small doses.
 * The "Declaration of Independence" needs the Quote template.
 * "It was a brilliant, if barbarous and cruel tactic of the Shaviantarth: the tactic of fear." POV and prosetry. (Given that "flowery prose" is copyrighted by Wookieepedia. :P )
 * "The Cloak was typically not elaborate, but it was striking; bearing the colors of the banner of Lorsanan'sondora." Another small dose of POV.
 * "Derran Leshir, though well knowledged and well taught in how to rule Lorsanan, was not prepared to try and recover from the War of the Lorsanan Dissent. Derran was, unfortunately, a weak ruler." POV.
 * Please decide between "Royal Guard" and "royal guard". Don't use "Royal guard", though.
 * "Right now they needed someone who could restore the planet to its original glory, for it to shine brighter in the years ahead." Prosetry.
 * 7th para (about Restoration) could do with some rewriting to make it less stilted.
 * "Because he was a common Shapeshifter, he was extremely and disproportionally popular." A small dose of POV here.
 * "She began rebuilding Lorsanan Tetres at a reasonable rate" POV
 * "Zenith ruled well. He was not a politician, but a general, thus his ways were more straightforward and honest." POV.
 * "the Remmeras were a devastating vehicle and soon became famous for ripping right through ships" POV
 * "Remmeras were slightly expensive and, as a result, not extensively used. " POV and clarification needed.
 * "twenty-eight uninhabitable but of value, and seventy-eight barren and worthless planets. They typically took over worlds peacefully, only using force when only extremely needed" POV.
 * Rewrite first paragraph of The Shannet. Multiple errors.
 * "He did not want to destroy the reptilians but instead just teach them Shapeshifter superiority was manifested as he led the charge against them" Tense?
 * "This was to erase from the Khavasskh's mind any hint that the Shapeshifters had won merely by technology, and had they not that technology, would have easily lost. That kind of rebellion was not needed in Lorsonan right then. Zenith IV showed great bravery during that marine battle." POV.
 * "So it happened that Zenith IV's cousin Visarinthal Karinak took the Cloak upon Zenith's tragic death." POV.
 * "Fortunately, it seemed a shame to him to waste all of that work, so he let the two Shannets be completed" POV.
 * Decide between Bullett and Bullett. If it's a class of ships, it's typically italicized.
 * "The strange ships allowed them to stray closer the most massive of the ships, " Missing a word?
 * Quote template needed in The Three Years War.
 * I don't see why "biologist" and "mutant" are given the single quote treatment; they're not Shapeshifti words, are they?
 * "In some later ground battles, the difficult-to-produce symbiots were released in swarms upon the Shapeshifters, rendering them much easier to kill, since only the very strong-willed ones could stand being 'jzarked' without soon falling, writhing to the ground." Unclear antecedent.
 * "However, a slightly ruined plan is better than none at all. " Ugh. Cut this or do something drastic to it.
 * Italicize all ship names (Honor, Fist, etc.)
 * "She died sixty-one years into her reign, three planets discovered during it: Rella, Risa, and Kowak III." Find some better way to transition these clauses.
 * I generally despise contractions such as "she'd" that serve no purpose other than shorten the verbs. That said, I'd prefer the other DLs state their opinions on this matter, since I think that objecting on those ground would be pushing 3.1 a little too far.
 * "The populations were growing, it wasn’t anything serious now, and the war had slowed it down quite a bit." Uh, the war is over, the sentence doesn't flow well, and some prosetry/informal tone/POV.
 * "Though opening up small trade with the ‘Oozzinvon’ was not a bad thing, it actually helped the economy, Shapeshifters had a tendency to hold grudges, and so, the Jiinine Rebellion began." POV
 * "ShaIn operatives discovered the staged act, and though publicized, the Juur’lan’iin denied it." Wording issues, or something.
 * "Lorsanan was now a prosperous empire, able to hold its own against most any foe they would come across. It had developed a rich culture, with philosophy and the arts being one of the high priorities, with patriotism first. However, dark times were approaching the empire." POV and prosetry.
 * Tense issues in physiology.
 * "Because using them was considered a dishonorable act and was severely punished by civil and parental authorities" You might want to clarify this; as it reads, using the pheromones at all is looked down upon. Perhaps you mean to say "inappropriate use" or something.
 * "An interesting facet of Shapeshifter physiology is that they become symbionts with their mate." POV, tense.
 * "The Shapeshifter’s ability to ‘shift’ is undoubtedly why it is so coveted, scientifically. " Tense, POV.
 * Tense issues in Shapeshifting.
 * Missing some subsidiary sections. No BtS at all? This is a major concern.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 16:22, 7 July 2008 (UTC)