User:Atarumaster88/scratchpad

Rohi

 * From the holy words of the desk of Atarumaster88


 * Last three sentences of intro, para 1, could be reworded to be clearer
 * Not to nitpick, but your infobox and the statement that only the males have wings appears to be contradictory, since that's clearly a female unless male Rohi wear dresses and have s.
 * "They appeared to be, from all known research, not that far biologically from Humans and several near-Humans." I think the word "species" should be tacked onto the end of that, but I wasn't sure. This occurs later on in that paragraph as well.
 * The rise of Lord Shatan has serious tense issues. Per the MoS, all IU articles should be in the past tense.
 * "As he prepared and planned, he commanded the more talented of his to devise ways of strengthening his army," The more talented of his what?
 * "Timæus was deceived by Lord Shatan, and the war that he led was later called the War of Megiddo, which was the most furious of any of the Rohi was then or since because of its intense use of their innate powers, which caused the destruction of the Taivas moon of Megiddo. " Run-on, rule 3.2
 * "Sometime after the fall of Timæus, it is not revealed just when, a legend concerning the Rohi plays out." Do something with that central clause. It doesn't read in an encylopediac format. A pair of dashes would help, but it could still be better.
 * In the Timaeus's rebellion section, cut the "her fate is unknown" stuff per MoS.
 * "This interest was not in conquering them, they were content with their kingdom as it was, but because they felt guilty for being the race that unleashed Lord Shatan, the Imager, on the universe, and it was evident that other races were just as susceptible as themselves to Lord Shatan's lies." Run-on. That second phrase particularly gums up this sentence the way it's only delineated by commas.
 * "They made an effort to try and fight for the good and right for the Jiréh in the galaxy at large." POV and un-encyclopediac. Rule 3.1, Rule 3.2
 * "Though their participation seemed little, in many of the galaxy's wars, there were Rohi fighting for what the Jiréh deemed right, though some abandoned the Jiréh to fight for themselves." Wait, if the Jireh is the Force, when did it become plural? Please clarify.
 * A more detailed explanation of the False Prophet's "magic" is in order.
 * "Thus, the Archs, with the blessing of the Prophet, set out to enter the 'Outisder' galaxy and destroy the False Prophet for what he had done." Is that supposed to be "Outsider"?
 * "innocent bystanders." is POV.
 * "who was an extremely powerful Human." POV
 * Tense issues in culture and government, per MoS.
 * "There were almost never no more or less than seven Archs at one time. Archs were chosen by the Jiréh through the Prophet for their bravery,"–"never no more"? Reword.
 * Some uncreative wording in describing their psyches that could use variation
 * "Rohi were, strangely, possessing of an innocent spirit, despite their talents as warriors, which makes it difficult for them to settle with other, more 'experienced' races. This innocence, not surprisingly, was lost forever when her or she turned to the dark." These sentences don't belong in the paragraph where they currently are.
 * "whether proven or unproven" weasel words, cut.
 * FWIW, "caducar" doesn't mean "fallen" in Spanish. It's an infinitive . . . the noun is different.
 * I'm not familiar with the play, but the typical spelling is "Lazarus", which is used by the Holy Bible.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Battle of Abyssion V

 * From the blood-spattered desk of Atarumaster88


 * I'm not fixing all the misuses of "Dark Side". If it was one or two, sure. Per MoS.
 * I find your lack of description of this third "mysterious" faction disturbing. This isn't a novel, give us the info please.
 * Methinks "dark sage" actually should be capitalized.
 * "The Jedi and Sith starfighters were routing around the battlefield, attempting to retreat from their attackers, to little avail." This makes little sense, reword, particularly that first verb.
 * Detail on the Jedi/Sith alliance and in orbit actions is lacking. Rule 3.3
 * "As the fleets' size diminished, both leaders commanded that the remaining force come into orbit and provide air support for their infantry counterparts." This also makes little sense, as the forces were in orbit already according to the article.
 * "and would have routed immediately at dawn if not for their oaths to their respective masters." To quote Inago Montoya, You keep saying that word. I do not think that word (routed) means what you think it does.
 * "As the Sith issued all troops to combat the foe as they proceeded down the hill," Again, with the confusing verbs. If this was something I could fix, believe me I would, but I have no idea what this is supposed to mean.
 * "Blasting every living thing around him with stagnate, dozens and dozens of enemy's were weakened by the blast. After they were very near death, he cursed himself and the Jedi with Dark Tongue, and the Thought bomb was then unleashed, blasting himself and every Force sensitive object around him." What are you trying to use the word "stagnate" for? Because it makes no sense at all.
 * How do you keep an infamous battle under wraps? That makes no sense either.
 * Not that I've read Ertimu's article, but he has to be the most underdeveloped villain ever. Where the kriff did he come from, and why was he attacking? Where did he get his army of orbs and Shadowthingies from? None of this is explained. Rule 3.3.
 * Per Solus, source your images properly.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Chapex IX

 * From the NPOV desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Though not the best of outcomes, it was still better than having a robot controlled world. " Blatant POV that must die a horrible death.
 * "but it has a history of a very important planet." POV and useless information to boot.
 * No timeline given for that Cohen individual. Rule 3.3
 * "on the fantastic reign of Cohen." POV.
 * "here began to be talk of a rebellion, the planet against the entire Republic, and it did not seem too crazy to expect that. But Cohen was loyal, but his droids weren't." Ugh, poorly-written and/or POV.
 * More context needed on why the people didn't listen to the new leader. Otherwise, the whole "let's elect someone but not listen to him" is very silly.
 * No time-line for the pirate thing.
 * "and Katal Segey were on their routine smuggling ring, paying for some and stealing for a lot. Their main concern this time was oil. The prices were uncharacteristically high, considering the lack of need for oil." This isn't clear at all. Rule 3.3
 * "However, before they could accomplish this goal, they needed more." Needed more what? Sandwiches? Rule 3.3
 * "amazingly large droid army" is amazingly POV. Rule 3.2
 * "Though they did not know that the Republic was about to engage an all out assault on the world, they were lucky enough to be placing all their forces on the planet, able to defend." Please rewrite this sentence. It is fragmented. Rule 3.3
 * Tense issues in flora and fauna. Use past tense consistently please, per MoS.
 * "The return of the Republic was the greatest thing to happen to the world in the grand scheme of things." I hate to belabour the point, but POV.
 * "Though they devastated some regions of the planet with their aerial bombardments, the constructive work that they did to help more than made up for that one small flaw." More of the same.
 * "He was a much more physical leader than Cohen" As opposed to what? An ephemeral leader?
 * "Since droids do not age" Technically not a tense problem, but could be reworded to avoid confusion.
 * "normal droid with a self given title with no apparent reason behind it." This makes no sense, and normal is POV.
 * Crowded images below the infobox. Rule 9.
 * Though I haven't seen Futurama, this stinks of crossover if half of what the BtS says is true. Therefore, it should be relentlessly BDZed without mercy.
 * "Cities expanded, very dull for robots" Unsurprisingly, POV.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Abigaile Jade Kenobi

 * From the overglorified desk of Atarumaster88


 * Short paras and play-by-play in Early life need reworked.
 * "Abigaile experienced many different encounters with smugglers and other less than savory characters over the years, but the one that would hit her the most would come after the devastating Clone Wars. That of the rise of the Galactic Empire. " I appreciate the attempt at drama, but this isn't really working; the Galactic Empire isn't an unsavory characters, so the analogy fails.
 * No context at all is given for why she opposes the Empire.
 * No context at all given for her Force-sensitivity. She just is, and she can have a cool canon master because the author says so.
 * Ugh, more play-by-play in Clone Rebellion. Conciseness can be valuable in some scenarios.
 * If you are using Acclamator and Interdictor as names of ship classes, italicize them. I'm not fixing every last one of these.
 * There's very little reasoning for anything she does. She just goes places and does amazing things, beating up the bad guys and occasionally getting injured as fan service for her main squeeze to come save her.
 * The article overall doesn't flow well. It's not so much an account as a series of anecdotes.
 * "Her daughter would grow up to be a fine woman" POV
 * "the Kenobi Solos would turn out to be some of the greatest Jedi the Galaxy had to offer." POV
 * P&T is not very comprehensive. Even from this article, I could write a more complete one.
 * Nitpicking, but it should be called "Personality and traits" instead of its current title.
 * I can't say what I did is a truly accurate representation of AJK, considering that authorial intent comes into play, but I ran her through my MarySue killer test and she scored 22, an indication that this character is a Mary Sue. That said, this'll be the first time I break out the MS;MD (Mary Sue; Must Die) label.
 * No BTS at all.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Bendu Order

 * From the mysterious and convoluted desk of Atarumaster88
 * APPROVED following revisions and review.

E.C.H.O Visor

 * From the all-seeing desk of Atarumaster88


 * Wow. Nice quality overall, and one of the best-written articles overall. I do have a concern related to Device Requirement 2, as I find the History section lacking. It will need to be expanded based upon its uses before I support this.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Dark Magic

 * From the dark and magical desk of Atarumaster88


 * Clarify how the killing spell can be stopped. It's uncertain whether the Force shield can stop it or not.
 * "As for the victims, they suffered the worst." Slight POV. Almost changed it to "they suffered more", but didn't. It's an easy fix, at any rate.
 * "Due to the ups and downs of the power, it was preferred not to be learned, much less used." This prose is not of a "professional standard". Per Rule 3.1.
 * "The power was practically useless, in the end, as proven by its two true victims. " POV.
 * Not bad overall, if somewhat lacking in originality. These are all easy fixes.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Unit 8311

 * From the unoriginal desk of Atarumaster88


 * "By now 8311 was perhaps the most influential droid in the galaxy." POV.
 * I'm not fixing the half-dozen uncapitalized instances of "Rebels".
 * "As the galaxy celebrated, however, they were unaware that the worst was yet to come..." POV and un-encyclopediac tone.
 * "Also, thanks to him, illegal copies of Gunray on top and several saucy letters from Tarkin became in wide circulation in the outer rim, frustrating the Imperial censorship boards." Find a different verb than became.
 * "At the height of his upgrading, 8311 was a virtually unstoppable killing machine."
 * FWIW, this is labeled improperly on the FAN review pages. It's undoubtedly a character unless there are more of the mechanical atrocities running around in the mind of the author. Not an objection.
 * Fighting style is chock full of POV.
 * BtS is way too small.
 * The SWF Mary Sue test that I ran on this yielded a 17 "Borderline Mary Sue", but there is some scatter there due to the fact that it wasn't designed for droids. I'd call this a Mary Sue and give it a level of ridiculousness that's even greater than 's . That said, my personal feelings are that this should not be a featured article.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

WraithX-Beta Interceptor

 * From the super-heavy, undetectable, and speedy desk of Atarumaster88

'More tense issues in Variants section.
 * "The engine thrusters are stuck out of the back, while two more nodes hold sensor and stealth equipment. " Reword that first bit and fix the tense as well.
 * Tense issues in armament.
 * At the very least, numbers less than twenty should be spelled out for professional quality. (Rule 3.1) My personal preference is <100.
 * "The avionics are top notch as well" POV
 * FWIW, the reason the StealthX was limited to Jedi IU was because any comm transmissions would give away the ship's location. It's fanon, so whatever. ::Tosses canon out window:: If you do care about canon, "Where the StealthX's design was almost exclusively for Jedi, the WraithX's cockpit was made to be comfortable enough for non-Jedi to easily fly the WraithX." that sentence makes no sense.
 * Informal tone: "That's where the Cobrex came in, filling in the gap between high-tech fighters and the cheap, out-of-date fighters. " Some POV in there to boot.
 * History of the variants is lacking in detail.
 * "Mandalorian" is mispelled. I didn't fix it because it was a quote.
 * Images are unsourced. Also, you state that there are no sharp edges on a WraithX&mdash;a look at your infobox picture reveals an angled nose that tapers to a point. This level of inconsistency should not be tolerated.
 * POV in armaments section.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Club Stardust

 * From the glittering desk of Atarumaster88


 * "It was unarmed, relying on local jurisdiction for protection." Change jurisdiction; it doesn't fit there.
 * What is "medium shielding"? Clarify.
 * Your image template is broken on the terrorist pic
 * The double quotes on Days of Empire need to be reduced to one.
 * Consistently capitalize Rebel when referring to the faction, just as you would consistently capitalize Roman, Al-Qaeda, or Klingon.
 * The idea that this club doesn't exist on official charts is ludicrous. That's like saying Caesar's in Las Vegas won't appear on Google.
 * If you are going to use the title miid ro'ik, it should be spelled out at all times. It's comparable to calling an Imperial Star Destroyer an Imperial.
 * In general Yuuzhan Vong is preferred over Vong.
 * FWIW, their organic spacesuits are properly termed s. Not an objection.
 * I generally like this article, aside from overly cheesy Yuuzhan Vong battle and the "let's play loud music" deus ex machina. That should really only be used once; a more creative solution would greatly help this article. By and large, well-written and not ridiculous at all.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Kal'Shabbol

 * From the sleep-inducing desk of Atarumaster88


 * I object on the general grounds that far too much of this article is not particularly about Kal'Shabbol. It's a history of the Bendu Order on Kal'Shabbol. Cut down Age of Awakening to remove excess fluff, as well as Jedi Bendu departure.
 * I object to your objection. You need to understand that the history of the Jedi Bendu and the Bendu are all intertwined. Removing that information is removing information about the history of Kal’Shabbol and I will not do it. Can I figure out a way to rewrite some of it to put in the same important information in less words? Yes, of course. Can it all be removed though? No. - BR
 * I have no problems with leaving pertinent information on the Bendu Order in there; if it was missing, you'd be getting the opposite objection. As it is, I do think it could do with a little trimming. I was never indicating massive cuts, just snipping. If it's something major, believe me, I will let you know. --Ataru.
 * The parts I recommend some trimming are as follows: 1.5, Para 1. 1.5, Para 2. 1.3, Para 2. 1.3, Para 4. Nothing major, just slimming down these paragraphs. This is based on what I view as the reasonable expectation that the coverage of these topics should not exceed that given on the Bendu Order article. --Ataru.


 * The BtS really needs expansion. I mean, two bullet points for 75 KB of article? Are you kidding me?
 * There’s not all that much to say, but I can say more. - BR
 * Come, come, Brandon. Don't try and tell me that the creation of this world was that boring. BtS is an essential part of an article and shouldn't be treated as an afterthought, if you ask me. --Ataru.


 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Lorsanan'sondora

 * From the hard-to-pronounce desk of Atarumaster88


 * "many intriguing creatures, all with very wide gene pools." (Intro) Could we find some better descriptors, please?
 * "This season was typically when the Shapeshifters harvest." Missing some words or something.
 * "Because of this, Shapeshifters normally drank only water. Also because of this no-salt issue, the water of Lorsanan evaporated more quickly than do most bodies of water." Ugh, just reword the verbs in the second sentence and I would cut the first sentence, given the one that precedes it.
 * "As a celebration, when Lorsanan'sondora was moved back to its original position, and a holiday was set up in commemoration of the event, The Day of the Shannet." Fix the wording in this sentence.
 * "Slowly, morality collapsed and violence and bloodshed became popular sports, and honor was displaced with bloodline." Some POV here.
 * "It is unknown what happened to the Lorsanan Shapeshifters after this." This type of sentence should be removed per MoS.
 * I would like to see a society/culture section, as well as a topography section. Climate section couldn't hurt either. The over-emphasis on history is a letdown when one reaches the end of the article.
 * I like this article up until the planetary hyperdrive part. I hated that in the NJO and I hate it here. At any rate, have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Desnium

 * From the saber-wielding desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Overall, Desnium was a devastating and highly efficient lightsaber form when used in combat." Okay, let's not butter ourselves up too much. POV, Rule 3.2
 * "Although Desnium never left a true legacy, its practitioners did so through its use." Weasel words; reword per Rule 3.1 (Intro)
 * "Desnium was not created to be an aggressive form, therefore its attack was not the best, however, it was still considered deadly and resilient." POV, Rule 3.2
 * A minor quibble if you actually care about canon. There's no way a form derived from Ataru would open defensively. You even state this in the BTS, so why do you insist it's derived from Ataru?
 * "The attacks from Desnium would usually vary, of course, though most attacks usually were aimed at the torso and lower" Lower what? Body? Limbs?
 * "Narod often used this form against conventional enemies, those who could not wield the Force against him." Redundant wording and/or POV to refer to non-Force sensitives as "conventional".
 * "With a single lightsaber, Narod would take a step back and then speed of," Possibly missing an "f" here.
 * "Unfortunately for the practitioners, using the one-handed form against Force wielding enemies was not a smart choice, since it was weak and the user was often left open for attack against such enemies." Informal tone and unclear wording. Rule 3.1
 * "That was why the one-handed form was not recommended for lightsaber combat, and instead recommended for conventional enemies." See above.
 * "Narod learned that the other lightsaber form he had begun using was Sokan, a form which was used to play on terrestrial advantages and a stronger defense." I believe the word you are looking for is terrain; terrestrial refers to planetary locations. It is, of course, your choice on the wording, so I won't push this.
 * "Either way, this form of attack was fast and at the same time utilizing one's Force potential to their advantage." Awkward verbage, rule 3.1
 * I find this article overall unimpressive, especially considering . Regardless, have a Super Terrific Un-frustrating day.  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Force Shield

 * From the heavily defended desk of Atarumaster88


 * "In this respect, the shield did a fairly decent job at protection, though for this use alone Force Protection would be more practical." POV.
 * "This was also used against lightsaber wielders, as a shield placed at the end of a lightsaber would cause a huge conflict of energy when the lightsaber was ignited, inciting an effect similar to two similarly charged poles pressed against one another, forcing the lightsaber to shoot itself out of the opponent's hand to relieve the pressure." Run-on and unclear wording.
 * "Though not often thought of as an offensive Force technique, the Force Shield actually served better as an offensive tool than a defensive one." POV
 * "Apparently, such a dramatic use of the ability should only be attempted by highly experienced shieldmakers. " POV and non-encyclopediac. Rules 3.2, 3.1
 * "Despite the wide variety of uses for shields, there have been several problems among its frequent practitioners." Tense.
 * "The cause for this was unknown." Remove this sort of thing on sight; Just like "her fate was unknown", it should be avoided.
 * Overall, these fixes would take about ten minutes on the part of the author. I'd be happy to support were these issues corrected. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Prophecies of the Skywalker

 * From the prophetic desk of Atarumaster88


 * "Prophecies of The Skywalker were a holy set of writings that foretold the coming of great kings, rulers and other legendary figures throughout the history of the universe." Holy, great, and legendary are all POV and must be exorcised.
 * Appropriate linking should occur in the intro; I believe you have a Yahweh article, as well as 2nd JBO, and JB.
 * I don't like the Academy infobox. You should either make a custom one or use one for writings, because that's what these are. They're not academies.
 * "The Skywalker’s children and the Chief of the Whills knew that they would have to begin on what they were destined to begin. " Unclear wording and uncreative verbage. Rule 3.1
 * "He did, however, manage to disarm her as he fell. Her blade cutting through the thing ledge itself, the evil one tempted him to end it once more." Say again, Mac?
 * "At that moment, he realized that the prophecy was true, though it was not until Ussej Padric Bac III was momentarily taken to Ashlan Four to speak with him did anyone realize that the prophecy had come true." More uncreative verbage.
 * "They were galactically renowned for their brutal discipline and lust for power in their upper ranks, along with the unholy methods they used to attain it." At the bare minimum, unholy is POV.
 * "Patrick was tasked with finding evidence to prove that the two orders were once one and, after doing so, Patrick joined Taylor and Daniels and reunified to become the Jedi Bendu Order." Uh . .. ? There's some rewording needed here.
 * I find the Prophecy of the Last Son section wholly unsatisfactory. There is no explanation as for why the actual text no longer exists, and it goes on and on overmuch on its fulfillment.
 * "Each of the prophets would be remembered for one great thing." POV.
 * "Ussej Padric Bac II helped his father and the galaxy realize what happens when arrogance gets the best of you, " Second person must die.
 * "Laili Jeyna Rendar helped Ussej Padric Bac redeem himself from the dark side of the Force, Kit Corwin Rendar showed the galaxy, and Ussej, the dangers of blind attachment, Ussej Padric Bac II helped his father and the galaxy realize what happens when arrogance gets the best of you, Ussej Padric Bac III helped the galaxy realize what happens when prejudice blinds you, Han Solo helped Luke Skywalker destroy the remaining Death Stars over the skies of Coruscant that led to the redemption of Anakin Skywalker and Taylor Rendar helped pull Patrick Keylan Bac back from the darkness and discover that Elizabeth Covet was the heir to the Skywalker Throne. " That sentence is just a mite long.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Jar'Kata

 * From the overblown desk of Atarumaster88


 * "The form had a deadly attack, coupled with an adequate defense, possibly making it a more deadly form than Juyo or Ataru." POV, Rule 3.2 Saber form articles should never make blanket judgments on the merits of the overall effectiveness of a form without reasoning. Do you think Wikipedia would allow someone to say that karate is more deadly than judo? Heck no. They might say that karate has far more effective striking techniques than judo, but to pass judgment like that is utterly against everything that comprises encyclopedaic content.
 * Pathetic detail on the History section is almost anecdotal instead of flowing. Rule 3.3
 * "Now, in the hands of a Sith Lord, the form truely had the opportunity to show off its deadly capabilities." Shameless self-aggrandizement and I believe truly is misspelled unless it's an Anglo thing.
 * "The applications of Jar'Kata combined the applications of both Jar'Kai and Trakata to create the perfect form." How the %#$Y! did that get through review the first time. POV, must die.
 * "In order to use Jar'Kata, the user must have had an above-average grasp of the Force and even higher Force potential." POV.
 * Capitalize "the Force" in all instances, per Rule 8 and MoS.
 * The Force techniques described in the infobox have no relevance to the prose in the body. Expand this information or cut it.
 * Why is Darth Nyne not listed in the infobox under famous users? For that matter, Sith Order should be placed there as well.
 * I find this lack of neutrality disturbing. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Shikkri

 * This message is from the grammatically correct desk of Atarumaster88


 * The whole 2nd intro paragraph is in present tense and needs correction.
 * Actually, way too much of this article is in present tense. I don't mind fixing a few instances, but this is rampant.
 * Second person in Basic Rules.
 * "I know I used Arabic letters in the example of the Shikkri alphabet, but that alphabet does exist in the Star Wars universe, and is seen on highly formal documents. Besides, it's easier to understand." This is not encyclopediac.
 * Aside from the glaring tense issues, this article isn't overall bad; another example of Solus's highly detailed take on the SW universe. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

The Fanon Menace/Season 1

 * From a poor spoof of the desk of Atarumaster88


 * "The first episode remained the most viewed for the majority of the airing, until the tenth episode surpassed it gaining over 2,000 views. This was minor compared to some of the major videos uploaded onto YouTube, but was still a major marker in the start of the series as the creators knew they now had fans." Contradiction in the numbers and major/minor needs some variety.
 * "terrorization" is most certainly not a word.
 * Inconsistent tense in Part 2.
 * Consistently de-capitalize Clone Army unless you are referring to it as a proper noun. If so, that distinction should be clearer.
 * "Commlink" should be comlink. Multiple instances of this.
 * Clones should be decapitalized in all instances; it is not and will never be a proper noun unless the name of a ship, book, work of art, etc.
 * Decapitalize Smashball.
 * Song titles should be placed in quotes.
 * I hate trivia sections. That said, I can't find anything prohibiting them.
 * I give this article an Epic Meh. Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)

Dark Guardians of Lettow

 * From the dark and guarded desk of Atarumaster88


 * Fix the Dark Sides, please, Brandon.
 * "They prepared to unleash their fury on the unsuspecting innocents of the galaxy" Oooh, POV. (intro)
 * "In his fortress, two major and mysterious chambers stood out." Reword this, per 3.1 and 3.2
 * "It was a fairly convoluted process and Ragnos needed someplace special to work on it, hence why he built a fortress in the middle of nowhere." More rewording needed.
 * "It was a long, drawn out ritual and a great deal of Sith magic was involved. In the end, even he did not know what would happen during the ritual. All he knew was how it would end." This seems a bit flowery.
 * Perhaps I'm not catching it that quickly, but in space do the Sith Battle Lords have to do with the Dark Guardians? I'm six paragraphs down and not seeing the connection. Your intro also does not state this connection. Condense please&mdash;this is a major concern. EDIT: I've been reading further and their first official creation is in the 26th paragraph. This is not a good thing, especially when so much of it could be summarized into three or four.
 * "Shortly thereafter, he made his way through the jungle to an abandoned Mandalorian base where he commandeered an abandoned shuttle to disappear." Final infinitive seems out of place; reword or something.
 * "As Carden was disgusted by what the Sith had become, the information greatly intrigued him." A bit unclear here. Should the first word be "though"?
 * "Much of the information was cryptic, at best, so he had trouble understanding it. However, he devoted all of the time he had to uncovering the mysterious within that manifesto, and that was all he did for nearly a year." Just read it and see how badly this needs reworded. Also, cryptic in this sense is POV.
 * "He immediately made his way there and when he arrived a few hours later he found a great deal of carnage within the Senate, much of it being Rajani’s signature work." More flowery prose/POVishess that requires a Rule 3.2 smacking.
 * Your Rajani Zahra image needs a more specific source.
 * "Dire was amused, to say the least, though after seeing Carden’s immense power he allowed him to become a part of the growing Fourth Sith Empire." Ugh. Rule 3.2; reword please.
 * "When he saw his theories work effectively in his guardsman" Should this be guardsmen? Or should it be "Guardsmen"? I wasn't sure.
 * "However, he did not ask questions, but rather he accepted his instructions and moved ahead with his experiments, where he even gained additional followers who believed in the cause." This makes no sense to me.
 * "This wasted a great deal of time on the part of the Dark Lord, as it took years to train a new apprentice. " POV.
 * "returned from a self-imposed exile with a twisted mind and lacking the soul of the man he once was. " unprofessional tone.
 * Capitalize all the Imperial mentions. They are a faction, just as much as British, American, Russian, Rebel, and Klingon troops are given the capitalized adjective.
 * "The Stormtroopers were able to hold Starkiller back, but the boy was able to show extraordinary courage and ability while resisting them." Fix the capitalization and that POV.
 * Ditto with Rebel, per Imperial example.
 * "After asking his men to leave him for a few minutes, he realized that he had been on the wrong side of the war for so long and his reasoning for fighting with the Empire had been based on a lie. Therefore, he struck down his men and escaped the planet." POV, informal tone.
 * Italicize Millennium Falcon upon all mentions. This goes for Falcon as well per 3.1
 * "However, there was no strategic advantage to doing so." Seems a little POV to me; maybe not.
 * De-capitalize Light Side on all mentions.
 * "Lettow were taught that if they were to anger their enemy and shortly tempt them with their darker emotions, they would have no chance of turning a soul of merit. The righteous would know that they were safe from such primitive behavior." Rule 3.1, 3.2 informal tone, POV.
 * "There was not a great deal of actual government and politics involved in the Dark Guardians of Lettow, and there were two ways that someone would be able to think of when the word “leader” was used in the context of the Lettow." Run-on and confusing.
 * "They were mostly used as guards and Advanced Shock Troopers if necessary." You would know better than me, but I don't think that should be capitalized.
 * "At that point, they were skilled enough to rival skilled opponents and were taught how to influence minds and have a strong attunement to their environment." So they were skilled, eh? Reword, please.
 * "Sith Military" Check your capitalizations; Imperial military is not a proper noun&mdash;Imperial Army is. This should follow suit unless you have a good reason.
 * Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 01:21, 3 July 2008 (UTC)